Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 3 - Fine Feathered Finks - full transcript

Just before 9:00, on a bright
sunny morning in Gotham City.

The city seems to be
carefree and serene, doesn't it?

But let's keep our eyes
on these little rascals.

All right, folks, listen and hurry,
hurry. Here you are, free umbrellas.

- No strings whatsoever.
- Win yourself a prize.

- Everything is free as air.
- Win yourself a prize.

- These umbrellas are free.
- Must have an umbrella in order to win.

- Here we are.
- Hurry, folks.

Strange, everyone carrying umbrellas.
The weather report didn't mention rain.

Who cares, Jenkins?
It looks like a smash.

- Open the door.
- Yes, sir.



Here you are, the last one.

Wait until they open
them umbrellas.

- They say there are prizes for lucky umbrellas.
- I smell a hoax, Jenkins.

Devilish, sinister.

Police, help!
Police, help! Police!

A trick umbrella, as
sure as a fingerprint.

The mark of the Penguin.

Correct, Chief O'Hara, the Penguin.
That pompous waddling master of foul play.

The criminal maestro of a
thousand ubiquitous umbrellas.

But I thought he was still
up the river, commissioner.

So did I, till I checked with the penitentiary.
The Penguin was released three days ago.

Any volunteers, men?

Any of you think you're smart
enough to net the Penguin?

Oh, the devil with pride,
commissioner. I speak for us all.



There's but one man living who
can throw the net over that cagey bird.

Thank you, Chief O'Hara,
I admire your honesty...

and I make it unanimous.

Whoever he may be behind that mask of
his, our only hope is the caped crusader.

And in Wayne Manor, stately
home of millionaire, Bruce Wayne...

and his youthful
ward, Dick Grayson...

Alfred, the faithful butler,
responds to the hotline.

I'll summon him, sir.

Oh, heck. What's the use
of learning French anyway?

Dick, I'm surprised at you.
Language is the key to world peace.

If we all spoke each other's tongues, perhaps
the scourge of war would be ended forever.

Gosh, Bruce, yes. I'll get
these darn verbs if they kill me.

- Excuse me, sir. It's the Batphone, sir.
- Yes, Alfred.

Oh, boy, let's go.

Mercy me, Dick Grayson.

Where are you going in
such an almighty hurry?

Gosh, Aunt Harriet, we just heard the
bass are biting again in White's pond.

See you later, Aunt Harriet.

Well, what can I do, Aunt Harriet? You
know how your nephew is about fishing.

That's funny.

- Heard the bass are biting? Heard from whom?
- I cannot tell a lie, madam.

It was myself who
imparted the information.

Yes, commissioner?

Brace yourself for a
shock. It's the Penguin.

We'll be right there.

To the Batpoles.

Strange.

The umbrellas all went mad,
creating the perfect cover for a holdup.

- And yet there was no holdup, right?
- Right as rain, Batman.

The Penguin had everything
set up and then didn't strike.

The old one-two.

Beg pardon, Boy Wonder?

Bam! A fake to
the jewelry store...

to set us up for the
real knockout later on.

- Zowee!
- Robin could be right.

Then again, I wonder
if this whole affair...

might just have been a
harmless practical joke.

A joke, Batman?

I have great faith in our
prison system, commissioner.

Perhaps the Penguin's spell up
the river has made him reform.

Heh. You're dreaming, Batman.

It'll be a sad day for corkscrews
when that crooked bird goes straight.

Still, I'd like to know what his state
of mind was when he left prison.

- Bonny, send in Warden Crichton, will you?
- Warden Crichton of state prison here?

I anticipated your question, Batman.
I had him rushed down by helicopter.

- Good morning. Good morning.

Warden Crichton,
good to see you. Ha, ha.

- Warden, the Dynamic Duo.
- Pleased, I'm sure.

The honor's ours, warden.

I've long been a deep admirer of
your fine work in reforming criminals.

Heh. Well, we've had our little
victories. Our little failures too, alas.

How would you rate the Penguin?

I'll let you judge that for
yourself, Batman, indeed.

- Judge for myself?
- By means of video tape.

It's one of my new
progressive policies, you see?

Before, uh, releasing a felon,
I assign him to a special cell...

into which is built a
secret television camera.

It enables us to study the extent
to which he's reformed, if any.

Warden, you didn't
forget the tape.

I took the liberty of leaving it at your
communication center when I arrived.

They're waiting for your
signal, Commissioner Gordon.

Roll Warden Crichton's
video tape on the closed circuit.

Holy haberdashery. That can't be
regulation prison uniform, can it?

It's another one of my
progressive policies, Boy Wonder.

During the last week before release, I permit
the prisoners to wear their own clothing.

- It helps acclimate them to the outside world.
- Sound penology, warden. Very sound.

Listen, the baleful
bird is about to chirp.

How irritating. Here I am
due to be released tomorrow...

and I still haven't worked out one
single crime worthy of my talents.

My whole stay in this
disgusting prison is wasted.

Yeah, well, that's the
way it bounces, Penguin.

Some years is just a
blank spot out of a guy's life.

Hey, wait a minute,
my mother-in-law.

She owns a candy store. You could
always knock that over if you wanna.

What, a candy store? I am an
aristocrat of crookery, my dear man.

No, I must devise something
royal, unsuspected, sensational.

A caper that'll make that
Batman blow his brains out.

Yeah, that Batman. He's sure
some kind of pest, ain't he?

Say do you ever stop to think, Penguin, if only
the Batman was a crook instead of a law guy.

Boy, oh boy, we'd turn
this world inside out.

- What did you say?
- Oh, I was just thinking out loud, Penguin.

I said, if only the Batman
was like us, a crook.

Wait, wait.

Thoughts wing in.

Oh, great heavenly sunshades.

I have it. It's a
fantastical scheme.

It's hatched full blown.

U-day. U for umbrella day.

Oh, what a dazzling plot.

- Hold it, Penguin, hold it. Look up there.
- What?

- Behind that phony spider web.
- Oh, yes, secret TV eye, isn't it?

Well, good night, big brother.

Yes, I'm afraid you'll have to
unravel the rest of my plot by yourself.

Any thoughts, Batman?

On the whole, I think we'd
better discard my theory...

about the Penguin's
going straight.

Where did I go wrong? Why
did my progressive policies fail?

With an attitude like his, I'm
amazed he was turned loose at all.

Warden, ours is a rule
of law, Boy Wonder.

When a man has paid his debt
to society, he must be released.

Gosh, yes. That was a
pretty dumb remark of mine.

Don't fret about it, old man.

The important thing is to
get on the Penguin's trail fast.

- I'll put out a four-point bulletin.
- Wait, I've got a better idea.

Yes?

The Penguin told us
on that secret tape.

Whatever his dazzling
plot is, it involves umbrellas.

- So he'll need a front.
- Right.

Quickly, commissioner,
send for the city records.

Let's find out if anyone has opened an
umbrella factory in the last three days.

Three new umbrella factories.

None of them unfortunately
in the name of Penguin.

It's a dead end.

- Could he be using an alias?
- Good thinking, Robin.

Chief, read me the names on
those umbrella factory licenses.

Here's Arial Howard,
K.G. Bird, A.P. Sherlock.

- Bird?
- K.G. Bird.

- K.G. Bird? The Penguin, get it.
- Get it? Why, it's practically transparent.

Address: 196 West
Seventh Avenue.

Let's go.

Meanwhile, atop
the umbrella factory...

we find the sinister
secret headquarters...

of the rascally Penguin
and his fine feathered finks.

This is the most fantastical
gimmick in my whole criminal career.

Yeah. Hmm.

Now, I wonder what time it is.

At the signal, the time
will be precisely 11:5 6.

Now Hawkeye, give the go
ahead to Swoop at the bank.

Okay, boss.

Maybe I'm dumb, Penguin,
but I don't get this caper.

Oh, it's very simple,
my little gosling.

I'm going to unleash the
most bizarre, senseless...

barrage of umbrellas
onto Gotham City.

It'll be senseless to
everybody but the Batman...

whose keen mind will unquestionably
piece together the clues to my crime.

But what crime? What
the heck are you planning?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

Nothing?

- What do you mean nothing?
- I am planning nothing.

The Batman's
gonna do that for me.

The Batman's not only
going to pick my crime...

he is going to provide me with a
blueprint as to how I should pull it off.

Penguin, are you sure
you haven't gone stir crazy?

Why, you bird brain.

How dare you mock me on
the eve of my greatest triumph?

Do you really mean, the
Batman's gonna plan our caper?

Yes, my fine feathered finks.

It's this little plot that I hatched
in prison. You wait and see.

The Batman and the Penguin
are going to be partners in plunder.

What's that? Batman and the
Penguin, partners in plunder?

Someone must have
flipped his fine-feathered wig.

- Yes, commissioner?
- A patrolman has just called in.

There's another man giving
away free umbrellas, Boy Wonder.

- Outside the bank at Jefferson and 12th.
- Roger.

- Bank, Jefferson and 12th.
- Hold tight, Bat-turn.

Stay calm, citizens. Give
us your umbrellas quickly.

Robin, officers, gather the umbrellas.
Put them in that large wire basket.

Cover the basket with
the asbestos pad, officer.

Strange, there's no
one heading for the door.

True. And they don't
look like gangsters.

It's just like the jewelry shop.
A perfect setup but no robbery.

- What in the heck is the Penguin's game?
- I don't know.

But more than ever, I wanna
have a chat with that cagey little bird.

- "Senseless bank caper completed."
- Yeah.

"Batman on way."
Signed, "Swoop."

I'll descend and relieve
Sparrow in the shop.

Take this and attach it to the
handle of the decoy in the launcher.

Wait for my signal.

What's the plot, Penguin?

Ah, the Dynamic Duo, such
distinguished customers.

May I show you my humble wares?

We're not here to buy
umbrellas and you know it.

Spread your wings, Mr. K.G. Bird.
We're flying you down to headquarters.

- On what charge, Boy Wonder?
- Illegal umbrellas.

Assault and battery,
disturbing the peace.

We've got enough to put
you back on ice, Penguin.

Oh, tut, tut, Batman. I
only make the umbrellas.

What they do after they leave
here is hardly my affair now, is it?

A tricky little
creature. He's right.

- Darn it. Not a thing to hold him on.
- Yet.

Beg your pardon? Were
you saying something?

You've outsmarted us this time,
Penguin, but don't get too confident.

We know you're up to some super
crime, and we're going to watch you.

- Better warn the bystanders.
- Right.

Back, everyone. Back. Take
cover. It could be explosive.

Wow.

Curious. It looks like an ordinary
umbrella, except for its unusual size.

Look up there, Batman,
hanging from the handle.

I'll bet my life on it, Robin.

- This could be a clue to the Penguin's game.
- Only how to get at it.

Easy, I'll use the Bat-rope.

You run around, grab the edge
of this huge umbrella, steady it.

Roger.

Careful, Batman. Easy does it.

This is a tricky one,
all right. Careful.

I got it.

Look, there's a silver
plaque on the handle.

"Special Batbrella Compliments of
K.G. Bird, maker of superior umbrellas."

- It's a clue, all right. But what does it mean?
- To the Batcave. We'll analyze it.

Carry on, officers.

- Alfred!
- Sir?

- Be careful.
- Not to worry, Master Robin.

The safety lock is operative.

Don't worry about Alfred.
Let's get to this Batbrella.

Right.

I'll give you a bit of
fabric. I'll take a rib.

- Any luck with that fabric?
- Negative. No secret writing of any sort.

It's the same with
my section of a rib.

This Batbrella is made of perfectly
ordinary chrome magnesium alloy.

That Penguin sure must
be having a laugh, Batman.

He's given us the clue to
his plot, and we can't solve it.

- If only we had some way of spying on him.
- Well, that's it, Robin. You've done it again.

- No kidding?
- Look, listen.

Electronic bugging devices.

- A perfect lifelike spider.
- Right. Only it's not a spider.

It's a tiny microphone with a
built-in super-power transmitter.

Exactly. I'm gonna take it...

and drop it in the
Penguin's shop.

- We'll listen in to his crooked scheming.
- It's a great idea, Batman.

But how do you get away with planting
it? Won't he be on guard against you?

Of course. He'll be on
guard against Batman.

That's why I'm going to visit
his shop as Bruce Wayne.

- Good day sir. Can I help you, sir?
- I hope so, Mr. Bird.

I'm looking for an artisan to
repair this fine old umbrella.

- It belonged to my late father.
- Oh, that's quality goods, I can tell at a glance.

- Just let me study it for a moment, please.
- Oh, please, by all means.

Yeah.

Well, it's fortunate that
I equipped my shop...

with an automatic
anti-bugging machine.

- Who is he, boss?
- I have no idea.

Some rival umbrella king perhaps,
trying to steal my precious secrets.

It's a clear case of
industrial espionage.

Why, the wretched
blundering fool.

This...

But whoever he is,
one thing is certain.

I can't afford to have him
snooping around here today.

Today of all days, when I am about
to deal Batman his greatest row.

- The river, boss?
- No. The furnace.

The tempering furnace, where
we forge the umbrella ribs.

Take him away, my
fine feathered finks.

And arrange a fatal
accident, without witnesses.

- Pull the net down real tight.
- Done.

- Ain't it a shame?
- Ain't what a shame?

Ain't it a shame it
ain't the Batman.