Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 2 - Smack in the Middle - full transcript
The Riddler fashions a mold of the face of the unconscious Robin. He contacts Batman with two more riddles. The Riddler tells Batman if he can solve the riddles, he'll know where Robin is. At the same time, Molly dons a Robin costume and a mask. Her task is to trick Batman into taking her to the Batcave. She succeeds but Batman had seen her disguise (but not for the reason most male viewers would guess). Trying to flee Batman, she panics and falls into the Batcave's atomic reactor. Batman rescues the real Robin but the Riddler escapes once more. Batman must solve additional riddles to find the villain's target -- the Moldavian pavilion at the world's fair where an ancient mammoth -- with jewels on the outside and priceless postage stamps inside -- is on display.
In the previous Bat adventure...
we saw a prime
minister's exploding cake...
with a puzzling message
from that rascal the Riddler.
The Dynamic Duo...
pinned the Riddler's ears
back, but he tricked them...
with a million-dollar
lawsuit against Batman.
Glee for the Riddler.
Gloom for Batman.
But then a fresh clue...
which led Batman
into a batusi trap...
which laid him low.
And then Robin
got it in the arm.
The Riddler had it made.
Gotham City was aghast.
Robin seemed utterly
doomed, but, wait, the worst...
is yet to come.
Comes the dawn...
a bright shining dawn
over stately Wayne Manor.
But in the depths of the
secret Batcave, no birds sing.
Robin, repeat, your
homing transmitter.
Turn it on, boy.
- Yes.
- It's Mrs. Cooper, sir.
She's noticed your beds
weren't slept in. She's having a fit.
Tell her that Dick and I are spending
the night at my uncle's house.
- That should put her at ease.
- Very good, sir.
I must say, this youth's face
makes an excellent impression.
You sure are a card, Riddler.
Yes, my pretty.
In this little game, I
am the ace of trump.
Make a positive from
instant compound X...
then get into your outfit
while I bait the Bat-trap.
Where am I? Where is...?
- Riddler?
- Mm-hm.
You fiend. What's
the meaning of this?
- Where's Batman?
- Hanging.
- What?
- Hanging by his phone, I hope.
Call him. Get him through police
headquarters on that famous hotline.
I wish to pose him
another amusing problem.
You flipped your lid.
Do you think I'm gonna help you
in some rotten criminal scheme?
Ha-ha-ha! You're scared.
You're really scared that I'll outwit your
Batman yet again, all right. Ha-ha-ha.
It'll be a cold day in August
when we're scared of you, Riddler.
Give me that telephone.
- Commissioner, this is Robin.
- Robin, where are you?
We tried to signal.
Are you all right?
- Can you plug me into the hotline?
- Yes, of course. Hold on.
Operator, plug 03 into the
Batline and trace it, record it.
- Yes.
- Batman, it's Robin.
Robin, old chum, where are you?
Ho, ho, ha, ha.
- Remember me, old chum?
- You jolly devil.
Harm one hair of
that boy's head...
Riddle me twice, Batman. What
kind of pins are used in soup?
- Terrapins, Batman.
- Right.
Very good.
What was Joan of Arc maid of?
Joan of Arc was...
- Maid of Orleans.
- That's where you'll find him. Happy hunting.
Don't fall for it, Batman,
it sounds too easy.
I'll get out of this myself
the same way I got in.
Robin. Robin.
Robin!
Terrapins, Orleans.
Of course, the old Turtle
Mill at Orleans Cove.
Riddler, you fiend.
Fantastic, pretty lady.
Uncanny.
Put on the belt.
On to the Bat-hunt.
Turn on the homing transmitter.
Done.
Hold on, old pal,
I'm getting you.
- I don't believe it. It didn't happen.
- Shut up.
Tighten seatbelt, on crash helmet.
He'll give us the Bat-ray any moment now.
Perfect. The Bat-rays
conked our ignition.
Hold tight, here we go.
Robin.
Robin.
What's he done to you?
I get it. The swine's dope
has affected your vocal cords.
Take it easy, old
fellow. Don't try to talk.
We'll have you fixed
up in no time at all.
Don't move, I'll get the
universal drug antidote.
Reach, Batman.
Well, Molly, I was wondering
when you'd get around to that.
What? You mean, you
saw through my disguise?
A criminal always
makes one mistake, Molly.
Those straws you gave
Robin to breathe through.
I spotted the defect
in the mask instantly.
That was the one
hole in your plan.
But there are gonna be
some holes in you, Batman.
Foolish girl.
You were so bent on your murderous
scheme, you failed to notice...
in the Batmobile, I burned
off your revolver's firing pin...
with a hidden Bat-laser beam.
Molly.
Molly, stop.
You're climbing into the
Batmobile's nuclear power source.
Oh.
Help!
Help!
Stay where you are,
Molly. Don't move a muscle.
I'll come and get you.
Wait, Molly.
Molly, don't panic.
Aah.
- Reach, Molly.
- I can't. I'm too scared.
I'm slipping. Oh, Batman!
Poor deluded girl. If only
she'd have let me save her.
What a terrible way to go-go.
Don't fall for it, Batman.
It sounds too easy.
I'll get out of this myself
the same way I got in.
Hopeless. Broke off before
we could make the trace.
It's not even a good recording.
All those devilish rumbling noises.
You're wrong, chief, those
noises are our salvation.
What? Those noises?
Subway trains, commissioner.
Quick, get me a timing on this tape
and a complete set of subway schedules.
- The Batmobile will do the rest.
- Right.
Mother of mercy.
What's it doing now?
Checking with the main computer
in the Batcave. Automatic radio link.
The answer should be
back any second now.
"10th Street Line,
Coolidge Square Station."
- Phone ahead, have them clear the platforms.
- Right.
- Hi, Batman.
- Hi.
Molly should have been back
by now with Batman's scalp.
- I wonder what went awry.
- You went awry Riddler, years ago.
Don't you know that
crime never pays?
Ho-ho-ho.
Ho-ho-ho!
Hey, hey, hey!
Holy smoke!
Surrender, you rat.
- What's that?
- Holy showcase. A sheet of bulletproof glass.
Batman, listen.
Don't look so blue.
Their final caper's set for
tonight. And I know what it is.
What, you know?
I played possum. I heard the
Riddler making up some tricky clues.
Listen, how many
sides has a circle?
- Answer, two. Inside and outside, right?
- Right.
Here's the second one.
What president of the United
States wore the biggest hat?
It's easy, Batman. The
one with the biggest head.
- Of course.
- Don't you see what they mean?
"Biggest head," that's gotta be
the famous skyscraper head office...
of the Gotham
City National Bank.
The Riddler's gonna go
inside and cart the loot outside.
Well, well, we've come a long way
from the prime minister's exploding cake.
Or have we?
- Nice listening, Robin.
- Oh, gee, it was nothing, Batman.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's call Commissioner
Gordon and wrap this up.
And now, even as the
fearless minions of the law...
converge on the head office of
the Gotham City National Bank...
miles away, the
Riddler and his gang...
are about to come up under
the Moldavian Pavilion...
at the Gotham City World's Fair.
Holy red snapper,
has Batman goofed?
But it's utterly fabulous,
Your Excellency.
It's simply too much.
It's famous Mammoth
of Moldavia, dear lady.
Found in ice many centuries ago.
Worshiped by the
peoples of my country.
Notice priceless jewels
in eyes and elsewhere.
This is stuffed exclusively
with used postage stamps...
from ancient
kingdom of Moldavia.
Very cheap stuffing then...
but now worth
unspeakable fortune...
- to stamp collectors.
- Ah!
All hooked up, chief.
The air vent to the
pavilion. Ha-ha-ha!
Turn them on.
Wait for my signal. Ha-ha-ha!
Good evening, my
friends, one and all.
Ha, ha! Hello, hello, hello.
Hello.
- What is that?
- It appears to be a vulgar, low comedian.
Has anybody seen
my friend Kersh?
- Kersh who?
- Gesundheit.
Oh, I see. "Kersh who,"
"gesundheit." Oh, that's delightful.
Did you hear about Greta Garbo?
She dreamed one night she sprinkled
six boxes of grass seed in her hair...
and woke up moaning,
"I want to be a lawn."
I can't bear it, darling.
I defy you to stop
this one! Ah, ha-ha-ha!
Easy, my friend.
That's the signal!
Quickly boys, quick.
Move quickly, quick.
That's it, move those
cops out of the way.
Get your cables set. Bring your hoist
and bring that mammoth to the hole.
Faster, faster, faster.
We can't wait all night.
This joke's on you, Riddler.
When's a donkey spelled
with one letter? When it's you.
A Trojan mammoth? Oh!
- Thought we were at the bank, huh?
- We sent the police there as a ruse.
I had your clues wrong,
but Batman solved them.
The biggest head, the
fabulous Mammoth of Moldavia...
with jewels on the outside and
priceless postage stamps inside.
Get them, boys. Get
them, or it's curtains.
The Riddler, watch it.
He's running for the rat hole.
Back, Batman, back.
If this gas ignites, it'll blow you
to kingdom come, you venal viper.
Case dismissed, sir?
You mean the Riddler's
lawsuit against Batman?
Precisely, Master Dick.
According to the report on the wireless,
the plaintiff, heh, failed to appear.
I wonder.
Got him, Bruce. The blast of that
laughing gas, it must've got him.
Who knows, Dick? The
police never found a body.
The prince of puzzlers may
well have escaped underground...
- to baffle us another day.
- That means we failed?
No, Dick, no. Don't say that.
The Molehill Mob in jail, the
Mammoth of Moldavia saved.
If not for us, the theft of that behemoth
could've led to an ugly international incident.
When you put it that way,
Bruce, yes, I see you're right.
I have only one regret
in the whole affair.
One thing that
makes me heartsick.
Molly?
You kind of liked
her, didn't you?
If only I could've
helped her somehow.
Weaned her from that tragic alliance
with the underworld which led to...
Dear me, Bruce.
I hope you're not speaking
of any young lady we know.
I mean, the thought of Dick being
exposed to any criminal element is...
Rest at ease, Aunt Harriet.
The young lady won't trouble us.
She's merely someone I
passed like a ship in the night...
now vanished like
a puff of smoke.
- Dick, like some help with that algebra?
- I sure would, Bruce.
we saw a prime
minister's exploding cake...
with a puzzling message
from that rascal the Riddler.
The Dynamic Duo...
pinned the Riddler's ears
back, but he tricked them...
with a million-dollar
lawsuit against Batman.
Glee for the Riddler.
Gloom for Batman.
But then a fresh clue...
which led Batman
into a batusi trap...
which laid him low.
And then Robin
got it in the arm.
The Riddler had it made.
Gotham City was aghast.
Robin seemed utterly
doomed, but, wait, the worst...
is yet to come.
Comes the dawn...
a bright shining dawn
over stately Wayne Manor.
But in the depths of the
secret Batcave, no birds sing.
Robin, repeat, your
homing transmitter.
Turn it on, boy.
- Yes.
- It's Mrs. Cooper, sir.
She's noticed your beds
weren't slept in. She's having a fit.
Tell her that Dick and I are spending
the night at my uncle's house.
- That should put her at ease.
- Very good, sir.
I must say, this youth's face
makes an excellent impression.
You sure are a card, Riddler.
Yes, my pretty.
In this little game, I
am the ace of trump.
Make a positive from
instant compound X...
then get into your outfit
while I bait the Bat-trap.
Where am I? Where is...?
- Riddler?
- Mm-hm.
You fiend. What's
the meaning of this?
- Where's Batman?
- Hanging.
- What?
- Hanging by his phone, I hope.
Call him. Get him through police
headquarters on that famous hotline.
I wish to pose him
another amusing problem.
You flipped your lid.
Do you think I'm gonna help you
in some rotten criminal scheme?
Ha-ha-ha! You're scared.
You're really scared that I'll outwit your
Batman yet again, all right. Ha-ha-ha.
It'll be a cold day in August
when we're scared of you, Riddler.
Give me that telephone.
- Commissioner, this is Robin.
- Robin, where are you?
We tried to signal.
Are you all right?
- Can you plug me into the hotline?
- Yes, of course. Hold on.
Operator, plug 03 into the
Batline and trace it, record it.
- Yes.
- Batman, it's Robin.
Robin, old chum, where are you?
Ho, ho, ha, ha.
- Remember me, old chum?
- You jolly devil.
Harm one hair of
that boy's head...
Riddle me twice, Batman. What
kind of pins are used in soup?
- Terrapins, Batman.
- Right.
Very good.
What was Joan of Arc maid of?
Joan of Arc was...
- Maid of Orleans.
- That's where you'll find him. Happy hunting.
Don't fall for it, Batman,
it sounds too easy.
I'll get out of this myself
the same way I got in.
Robin. Robin.
Robin!
Terrapins, Orleans.
Of course, the old Turtle
Mill at Orleans Cove.
Riddler, you fiend.
Fantastic, pretty lady.
Uncanny.
Put on the belt.
On to the Bat-hunt.
Turn on the homing transmitter.
Done.
Hold on, old pal,
I'm getting you.
- I don't believe it. It didn't happen.
- Shut up.
Tighten seatbelt, on crash helmet.
He'll give us the Bat-ray any moment now.
Perfect. The Bat-rays
conked our ignition.
Hold tight, here we go.
Robin.
Robin.
What's he done to you?
I get it. The swine's dope
has affected your vocal cords.
Take it easy, old
fellow. Don't try to talk.
We'll have you fixed
up in no time at all.
Don't move, I'll get the
universal drug antidote.
Reach, Batman.
Well, Molly, I was wondering
when you'd get around to that.
What? You mean, you
saw through my disguise?
A criminal always
makes one mistake, Molly.
Those straws you gave
Robin to breathe through.
I spotted the defect
in the mask instantly.
That was the one
hole in your plan.
But there are gonna be
some holes in you, Batman.
Foolish girl.
You were so bent on your murderous
scheme, you failed to notice...
in the Batmobile, I burned
off your revolver's firing pin...
with a hidden Bat-laser beam.
Molly.
Molly, stop.
You're climbing into the
Batmobile's nuclear power source.
Oh.
Help!
Help!
Stay where you are,
Molly. Don't move a muscle.
I'll come and get you.
Wait, Molly.
Molly, don't panic.
Aah.
- Reach, Molly.
- I can't. I'm too scared.
I'm slipping. Oh, Batman!
Poor deluded girl. If only
she'd have let me save her.
What a terrible way to go-go.
Don't fall for it, Batman.
It sounds too easy.
I'll get out of this myself
the same way I got in.
Hopeless. Broke off before
we could make the trace.
It's not even a good recording.
All those devilish rumbling noises.
You're wrong, chief, those
noises are our salvation.
What? Those noises?
Subway trains, commissioner.
Quick, get me a timing on this tape
and a complete set of subway schedules.
- The Batmobile will do the rest.
- Right.
Mother of mercy.
What's it doing now?
Checking with the main computer
in the Batcave. Automatic radio link.
The answer should be
back any second now.
"10th Street Line,
Coolidge Square Station."
- Phone ahead, have them clear the platforms.
- Right.
- Hi, Batman.
- Hi.
Molly should have been back
by now with Batman's scalp.
- I wonder what went awry.
- You went awry Riddler, years ago.
Don't you know that
crime never pays?
Ho-ho-ho.
Ho-ho-ho!
Hey, hey, hey!
Holy smoke!
Surrender, you rat.
- What's that?
- Holy showcase. A sheet of bulletproof glass.
Batman, listen.
Don't look so blue.
Their final caper's set for
tonight. And I know what it is.
What, you know?
I played possum. I heard the
Riddler making up some tricky clues.
Listen, how many
sides has a circle?
- Answer, two. Inside and outside, right?
- Right.
Here's the second one.
What president of the United
States wore the biggest hat?
It's easy, Batman. The
one with the biggest head.
- Of course.
- Don't you see what they mean?
"Biggest head," that's gotta be
the famous skyscraper head office...
of the Gotham
City National Bank.
The Riddler's gonna go
inside and cart the loot outside.
Well, well, we've come a long way
from the prime minister's exploding cake.
Or have we?
- Nice listening, Robin.
- Oh, gee, it was nothing, Batman.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's call Commissioner
Gordon and wrap this up.
And now, even as the
fearless minions of the law...
converge on the head office of
the Gotham City National Bank...
miles away, the
Riddler and his gang...
are about to come up under
the Moldavian Pavilion...
at the Gotham City World's Fair.
Holy red snapper,
has Batman goofed?
But it's utterly fabulous,
Your Excellency.
It's simply too much.
It's famous Mammoth
of Moldavia, dear lady.
Found in ice many centuries ago.
Worshiped by the
peoples of my country.
Notice priceless jewels
in eyes and elsewhere.
This is stuffed exclusively
with used postage stamps...
from ancient
kingdom of Moldavia.
Very cheap stuffing then...
but now worth
unspeakable fortune...
- to stamp collectors.
- Ah!
All hooked up, chief.
The air vent to the
pavilion. Ha-ha-ha!
Turn them on.
Wait for my signal. Ha-ha-ha!
Good evening, my
friends, one and all.
Ha, ha! Hello, hello, hello.
Hello.
- What is that?
- It appears to be a vulgar, low comedian.
Has anybody seen
my friend Kersh?
- Kersh who?
- Gesundheit.
Oh, I see. "Kersh who,"
"gesundheit." Oh, that's delightful.
Did you hear about Greta Garbo?
She dreamed one night she sprinkled
six boxes of grass seed in her hair...
and woke up moaning,
"I want to be a lawn."
I can't bear it, darling.
I defy you to stop
this one! Ah, ha-ha-ha!
Easy, my friend.
That's the signal!
Quickly boys, quick.
Move quickly, quick.
That's it, move those
cops out of the way.
Get your cables set. Bring your hoist
and bring that mammoth to the hole.
Faster, faster, faster.
We can't wait all night.
This joke's on you, Riddler.
When's a donkey spelled
with one letter? When it's you.
A Trojan mammoth? Oh!
- Thought we were at the bank, huh?
- We sent the police there as a ruse.
I had your clues wrong,
but Batman solved them.
The biggest head, the
fabulous Mammoth of Moldavia...
with jewels on the outside and
priceless postage stamps inside.
Get them, boys. Get
them, or it's curtains.
The Riddler, watch it.
He's running for the rat hole.
Back, Batman, back.
If this gas ignites, it'll blow you
to kingdom come, you venal viper.
Case dismissed, sir?
You mean the Riddler's
lawsuit against Batman?
Precisely, Master Dick.
According to the report on the wireless,
the plaintiff, heh, failed to appear.
I wonder.
Got him, Bruce. The blast of that
laughing gas, it must've got him.
Who knows, Dick? The
police never found a body.
The prince of puzzlers may
well have escaped underground...
- to baffle us another day.
- That means we failed?
No, Dick, no. Don't say that.
The Molehill Mob in jail, the
Mammoth of Moldavia saved.
If not for us, the theft of that behemoth
could've led to an ugly international incident.
When you put it that way,
Bruce, yes, I see you're right.
I have only one regret
in the whole affair.
One thing that
makes me heartsick.
Molly?
You kind of liked
her, didn't you?
If only I could've
helped her somehow.
Weaned her from that tragic alliance
with the underworld which led to...
Dear me, Bruce.
I hope you're not speaking
of any young lady we know.
I mean, the thought of Dick being
exposed to any criminal element is...
Rest at ease, Aunt Harriet.
The young lady won't trouble us.
She's merely someone I
passed like a ship in the night...
now vanished like
a puff of smoke.
- Dick, like some help with that algebra?
- I sure would, Bruce.