Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 25 - The Joker Trumps an Ace - full transcript
The Joker launches a new crime wave with robberies that appear to make no sense, such as stealing hairpins from rich women and a hole from a golf course. But the Joker knows exactly what he's doing. Batman and Robin are in pursuit and eventually invade the villain's headquarters. The heroes are placed in a chamber and are told if they can float for an hour, they'll go free. The Joker then begins to flood the chamber with poison gas. The Joker says the Dynamic Duo may not be able to swim in the gas "but you can drown in it!"
Gotham City on a
pleasant morning.
And in one of its most
exclusive fur salons...
elegant ladies shop
with doting husbands.
This is just too sporty.
What an elegant coat.
And a magnificent color.
- Darling, what do you think of this?
- If you like it, darling, it's all yours.
Oh, you're a
dream. I just love it.
All right, everybody, stand
still and no one will be injured.
This is a stick-up.
Get out of here.
Who are you anyhow?
Your friendly neighborhood
holdup man, at your service, sir.
What is this, some vulgar joke?
Yes, but the joke is
on you, my good fellow.
And there's nothing vulgar
about half a million in furs.
I do believe it's that
arch criminal, the Joker.
Ladies and gentlemen, my staff
of felonious furriers. Ha-ha-ha.
All right, everybody, to
the center of the room.
Come, come, come.
A joke: What are more mink
skins used for than anything else?
To hold minks together.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Prescott Belmont
of the banking Belmonts, I believe.
Oh, what lovely jewels, Mrs.
Belmont. And what a stunning coat.
Thank heavens we
haven't bought it yet.
- Closer. Closer, everybody.
- Aah!
Closer, closer. I want
a tight little group.
All right, staff. Get
ready, take aim.
- No.
- They're going to shoot us down like cattle.
- Why you filthy cad.
- Fire.
And now, Mrs.
Belmont, if you please.
Oh, thank you, dear lady.
I'm all stuck up.
But of course, I said this
is a stick-up. Ha-ha-ha.
And now to all, farewell.
Staff, let us away.
A hairpin?
First, we get a report that he's
stolen a hole from a golf green...
and now a hairpin?
What is the Joker up to?
About to start on another series
of his dastardly crimes, I'll wager.
- Then we'd better not delay.
- Right.
For there's no one else can cope
with the capers of that devilish clown.
Right, Chief O'Hara.
Though we may never know
who he is behind that mask of his...
thank goodness he's there
when a crisis befalls us.
And in Wayne Manor...
stately home of millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson.
I'll solicit his presence, sir.
But it's so much harder with
the pieces upside down, Bruce.
Of course, but think of what excellent
training it is for your visual memory.
Gosh, yes. I guess that's true.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes?
It's the Batphone.
Oh, boy. Let's go.
- Well, where are they off to now?
- Hmm?
I just brought
them a little snack.
A call, I believe, madam. From
Mr. Wayne's sporting-goods suppliers.
A superior new design of binoculars
has just arrived for their bird watching.
Yes, Commissioner?
Dire news, Batman.
It's the Joker again.
We'll be right there,
Commissioner.
To the Batpoles.
Atomic batteries to power.
- Turbines to speed.
- Roger. Ready to move out.
It arrived while you were
on the way here, Batman.
Timed perfectly.
Then we'll proceed
with extreme care.
Robin.
Chief, commissioner,
stand back, please.
Ready?
- Holy jack in the box.
- Saints alive.
Strange but...
harmless.
Huh.
A small recording
machine with a tape on it.
Play it, Batman.
Good evening, commissioner.
I assume Batman is there by now, so
give him my regards, will you? Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, by the way, did you
hear what the maid said...
when the duchess asked if she'd given
the goldfish fresh water that morning?
"No, Your Highness, he hasn't
yet used what he had yesterday."
Not a very funny joke, I'd say.
The Joker's never
are, in the end.
Do you suppose any of
this could mean anything?
Possibly, but not
what it seems to mean.
That's the key to the
Joker's twisted mind.
But why? It's not like the
Joker to help us catch him.
It could be a trap.
Why would he want a
hole from a golf course?
The golf course, of course.
His Highness the Maharajah of
Nimpha arrived in Gotham City today...
and he's so rich, he plays golf
with jewel-inlaid, solid-gold clubs.
That's it, Batman. The joke on this tape.
His Highness and the "gold" in "goldfish."
And he's scheduled to play in one
hour at the Winnikoto Country Club.
- Where he stole the hole.
- Let's go.
Be careful, Batman. Be careful.
While at the exclusive
Winnikoto Country Club...
a sinister figure looms
above the fairway.
Look, it's Batman.
Crime is certainly
rampant these days.
Batman.
Batman, I presume.
- Correct.
- I'm Prescott Belmont, president of the club.
I got your message. I'll be glad
to assist you in any way I can.
Good. There could be
more foul play here today.
Has the Maharajah of
Nimpha begun his round?
Not five minutes ago
with his honor, the mayor.
They're still on the first hole.
Is there some vantage
point overlooking the course?
- Any place where we won't be conspicuous.
- The lower terrace.
Let's go.
Odd. Everything looks serene.
Let me look.
Holy Taj Mahal.
Look at those
jewel-studded golf clubs.
Yes.
That would be a rich
prize for the Joker.
Very fine chip shot,
Your Highness.
What's so fine? It
should have been closer.
Yes, but the grass grows
the wrong way, Your Highness.
If this were only
Nimphanese blue grass.
I'm away, Your Highness.
Mr. Mayor, please don't
putt while I'm talking.
Forgive me, Your Highness.
All right, go ahead.
Batman, something's happening.
Looks like yellow gas.
It is gas.
Quick, to the Batmobile.
Sorry to be so abrupt.
This could be an emergency.
Wait.
It's not just the clubs...
- they're stealing the Maharajah.
- Good heavens.
With a forklift.
Let's get going and make
an emergency Bat-turn.
Not this time, old chum. We
have to think of the golfers.
The retro rockets would burn
up the course for 100 yards.
Holy tee-shot, it's gone.
But where?
Holy shrinkage.
A trick of some sort, no doubt.
There's something inside.
We'll see.
It's a note.
"Batman, did you hear about the kid
who wanted to sell his dog for $50,000?
He got his price, traded
it for two $25,000 cats.
But you can't make a deal
like that for the Maharajah...
because we've got
plenty of cats already.
Don't call us, we'll call you."
- Plenty of cats.
- Cats, cats, and more cats.
It could be an old refinery
Katz, Katz, Katz and Company.
It's been out of use for years
but would make a perfect hideout.
It sounds too simple.
Almost as if he wanted
us to solve it immediately.
- We'll have to be on our guard, Batman.
- Right, let's go.
How right they are, for inside the
seemingly innocent old refinery...
the Joker and his crew
prepare for company.
Oh, my playful pilfering pals,
this is going to be delicious.
Bring the table in here. Quickly,
quickly. Put it right in the center.
Now get the chairs.
Get the chairs.
One... One here. One over here.
One there, one there, one there.
Quickly. Everything
must be just right. Ha-ha.
Now, how does
that look, my pretty?
Oh, perfect, Joker. Do
you really think he'll come?
Oh, he'll be here, never
fear. You mark my words.
Joker, why didn't you get me something
longer than this when you had the chance?
Oh, that's not my style, lovey.
Any common hoodlum can do that.
Oh, but never fear, my dear, we'll
buy you countless furs and jewels.
Oh, gee, Joker. You're perfect.
Yeah, practically.
Joker. Joker. He just parked
that hot rod of his up the street.
Excellent. Everybody take your places.
And you stand out of harm's way, my dear.
There. Now, deal them up.
What'll we do, Batman? Use the
Batropes? Go in through the skylight?
Let's try the direct approach. With
his twisted mind, it could surprise him.
Strange, it's not locked.
Holy spider webs.
A nest for rats.
- Now.
- We've got you this time, Joker.
Want to join the game,
Batman and Boy Wonder?
You'd better hurry,
it won't last long.
Holy looking glass.
A truck with folding
mirrors in its sides.
No wonder it vanished.
Yes, with nothing but the green
of the golf course to reflect...
it turned green too and
seemed to disappear.
But we're on to
your tricks, Joker.
You might as well...
Circle now and intertwine
Neatly wrap these guests of mine
And no more will they jeer and
scoff I'll cut their circulation off
If they do not see the joke Pull
the ropes and let them choke
- Holy eight ball, this trick rope of his!
- It's like being caught in a barrel of snakes.
Oh, well now, I must say, this
is an expected pleasure. Ha-ha.
You may have won
the first round, Joker...
- but we don't give up.
- Hah!
Hmm. I've heard about Batman, but
this is the first time I've ever met him.
And the last.
- So that's your dirty game.
- We might have known.
Why don't we think
about this, Joker?
- Think about it?
- Yeah.
What is this? Have you
gone soft, my little savage?
Well, I, uh...
I bet he wouldn't try to knock
you off, if he had the chance.
Oh, no, he'd merely try to incarcerate
me in durance vile for the rest of my life.
Oh-ho. A fate much worse than
death for a spirit such as mine.
- Still, we might give them a sporting chance.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, boss. We may never
get another chance like this.
That's right, we gotta get rid of
them. We owe it to the criminal world.
Well, we'll see. Bring them along.
Come, come, come. Ha-ha-ha.
And now my Dynamic Duo...
something I've been
waiting to do for a long time.
There, my funny ray has neutralized
the gadgets in your utility belts...
for at least an hour.
- You're both good swimmers, I hope.
- Fair.
Then you can easily remain
afloat for an hour, I presume?
If we weren't weighted
down or something.
You let these guys escape,
it'll be the mistake of your career.
- Yeah.
- You keep out of this.
If he wants to give them a
sporting chance, that's his business.
Oh, well, perhaps
they won't make it.
Gentlemen, step
that way, please.
This is delicious,
absolutely delicious.
Enough, enough,
enough. Out of my way.
I'll give you a few minutes
to get out of these...
before I start filling that.
And if you remain afloat for
an hour, you go absolutely free.
Now, what more could you ask?
I still suspect some trick.
Now, now, let's not
be bitter. Ha-ha-ha.
I think we should give him
the benefit of the doubt, Robin.
Until he proves
otherwise. It's only fair.
- I suppose you're right.
- Of course, he's right.
Gentlemen, be my guests.
Thank you.
Come, my sweet.
Holy smoke stack.
What a spot to get out of.
Right, Batman. There are
only two ways to get out of there.
One, I let you out.
And two, you jump
5 0 feet, straight up.
You still intend to free us if
we can stay afloat for an hour?
Oh, dear me.
Surely you don't think I'd joke about
such a serious matter as that, do you?
No.
Time to start filling the tank.
But that's gas.
I do believe you're
right. Ha-ha-ha.
But then, who said anything
about water? Ha-ha-ha.
But you can't float in gas.
No, but you can drown in it.
Oh, Joker, that's a dirty trick.
Oh, forget it, Jill.
You didn't really think I was going to pass up
a chance like this, did you, my peerless pair?
Play traitor to all my
principles and friends?
Oh, no. Ha-ha-ha.
But one last word of
advice, don't stir it up.
Too narrow in here
to use the Batrope.
There's nothing
for them to catch on.
And he's neutralized the rest
of the stuff in the utility belts.
What are we going to do?
Unless there's
someone to help us...
I don't know.
But help from where?
Not the Joker, certainly.
pleasant morning.
And in one of its most
exclusive fur salons...
elegant ladies shop
with doting husbands.
This is just too sporty.
What an elegant coat.
And a magnificent color.
- Darling, what do you think of this?
- If you like it, darling, it's all yours.
Oh, you're a
dream. I just love it.
All right, everybody, stand
still and no one will be injured.
This is a stick-up.
Get out of here.
Who are you anyhow?
Your friendly neighborhood
holdup man, at your service, sir.
What is this, some vulgar joke?
Yes, but the joke is
on you, my good fellow.
And there's nothing vulgar
about half a million in furs.
I do believe it's that
arch criminal, the Joker.
Ladies and gentlemen, my staff
of felonious furriers. Ha-ha-ha.
All right, everybody, to
the center of the room.
Come, come, come.
A joke: What are more mink
skins used for than anything else?
To hold minks together.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Prescott Belmont
of the banking Belmonts, I believe.
Oh, what lovely jewels, Mrs.
Belmont. And what a stunning coat.
Thank heavens we
haven't bought it yet.
- Closer. Closer, everybody.
- Aah!
Closer, closer. I want
a tight little group.
All right, staff. Get
ready, take aim.
- No.
- They're going to shoot us down like cattle.
- Why you filthy cad.
- Fire.
And now, Mrs.
Belmont, if you please.
Oh, thank you, dear lady.
I'm all stuck up.
But of course, I said this
is a stick-up. Ha-ha-ha.
And now to all, farewell.
Staff, let us away.
A hairpin?
First, we get a report that he's
stolen a hole from a golf green...
and now a hairpin?
What is the Joker up to?
About to start on another series
of his dastardly crimes, I'll wager.
- Then we'd better not delay.
- Right.
For there's no one else can cope
with the capers of that devilish clown.
Right, Chief O'Hara.
Though we may never know
who he is behind that mask of his...
thank goodness he's there
when a crisis befalls us.
And in Wayne Manor...
stately home of millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson.
I'll solicit his presence, sir.
But it's so much harder with
the pieces upside down, Bruce.
Of course, but think of what excellent
training it is for your visual memory.
Gosh, yes. I guess that's true.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes?
It's the Batphone.
Oh, boy. Let's go.
- Well, where are they off to now?
- Hmm?
I just brought
them a little snack.
A call, I believe, madam. From
Mr. Wayne's sporting-goods suppliers.
A superior new design of binoculars
has just arrived for their bird watching.
Yes, Commissioner?
Dire news, Batman.
It's the Joker again.
We'll be right there,
Commissioner.
To the Batpoles.
Atomic batteries to power.
- Turbines to speed.
- Roger. Ready to move out.
It arrived while you were
on the way here, Batman.
Timed perfectly.
Then we'll proceed
with extreme care.
Robin.
Chief, commissioner,
stand back, please.
Ready?
- Holy jack in the box.
- Saints alive.
Strange but...
harmless.
Huh.
A small recording
machine with a tape on it.
Play it, Batman.
Good evening, commissioner.
I assume Batman is there by now, so
give him my regards, will you? Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, by the way, did you
hear what the maid said...
when the duchess asked if she'd given
the goldfish fresh water that morning?
"No, Your Highness, he hasn't
yet used what he had yesterday."
Not a very funny joke, I'd say.
The Joker's never
are, in the end.
Do you suppose any of
this could mean anything?
Possibly, but not
what it seems to mean.
That's the key to the
Joker's twisted mind.
But why? It's not like the
Joker to help us catch him.
It could be a trap.
Why would he want a
hole from a golf course?
The golf course, of course.
His Highness the Maharajah of
Nimpha arrived in Gotham City today...
and he's so rich, he plays golf
with jewel-inlaid, solid-gold clubs.
That's it, Batman. The joke on this tape.
His Highness and the "gold" in "goldfish."
And he's scheduled to play in one
hour at the Winnikoto Country Club.
- Where he stole the hole.
- Let's go.
Be careful, Batman. Be careful.
While at the exclusive
Winnikoto Country Club...
a sinister figure looms
above the fairway.
Look, it's Batman.
Crime is certainly
rampant these days.
Batman.
Batman, I presume.
- Correct.
- I'm Prescott Belmont, president of the club.
I got your message. I'll be glad
to assist you in any way I can.
Good. There could be
more foul play here today.
Has the Maharajah of
Nimpha begun his round?
Not five minutes ago
with his honor, the mayor.
They're still on the first hole.
Is there some vantage
point overlooking the course?
- Any place where we won't be conspicuous.
- The lower terrace.
Let's go.
Odd. Everything looks serene.
Let me look.
Holy Taj Mahal.
Look at those
jewel-studded golf clubs.
Yes.
That would be a rich
prize for the Joker.
Very fine chip shot,
Your Highness.
What's so fine? It
should have been closer.
Yes, but the grass grows
the wrong way, Your Highness.
If this were only
Nimphanese blue grass.
I'm away, Your Highness.
Mr. Mayor, please don't
putt while I'm talking.
Forgive me, Your Highness.
All right, go ahead.
Batman, something's happening.
Looks like yellow gas.
It is gas.
Quick, to the Batmobile.
Sorry to be so abrupt.
This could be an emergency.
Wait.
It's not just the clubs...
- they're stealing the Maharajah.
- Good heavens.
With a forklift.
Let's get going and make
an emergency Bat-turn.
Not this time, old chum. We
have to think of the golfers.
The retro rockets would burn
up the course for 100 yards.
Holy tee-shot, it's gone.
But where?
Holy shrinkage.
A trick of some sort, no doubt.
There's something inside.
We'll see.
It's a note.
"Batman, did you hear about the kid
who wanted to sell his dog for $50,000?
He got his price, traded
it for two $25,000 cats.
But you can't make a deal
like that for the Maharajah...
because we've got
plenty of cats already.
Don't call us, we'll call you."
- Plenty of cats.
- Cats, cats, and more cats.
It could be an old refinery
Katz, Katz, Katz and Company.
It's been out of use for years
but would make a perfect hideout.
It sounds too simple.
Almost as if he wanted
us to solve it immediately.
- We'll have to be on our guard, Batman.
- Right, let's go.
How right they are, for inside the
seemingly innocent old refinery...
the Joker and his crew
prepare for company.
Oh, my playful pilfering pals,
this is going to be delicious.
Bring the table in here. Quickly,
quickly. Put it right in the center.
Now get the chairs.
Get the chairs.
One... One here. One over here.
One there, one there, one there.
Quickly. Everything
must be just right. Ha-ha.
Now, how does
that look, my pretty?
Oh, perfect, Joker. Do
you really think he'll come?
Oh, he'll be here, never
fear. You mark my words.
Joker, why didn't you get me something
longer than this when you had the chance?
Oh, that's not my style, lovey.
Any common hoodlum can do that.
Oh, but never fear, my dear, we'll
buy you countless furs and jewels.
Oh, gee, Joker. You're perfect.
Yeah, practically.
Joker. Joker. He just parked
that hot rod of his up the street.
Excellent. Everybody take your places.
And you stand out of harm's way, my dear.
There. Now, deal them up.
What'll we do, Batman? Use the
Batropes? Go in through the skylight?
Let's try the direct approach. With
his twisted mind, it could surprise him.
Strange, it's not locked.
Holy spider webs.
A nest for rats.
- Now.
- We've got you this time, Joker.
Want to join the game,
Batman and Boy Wonder?
You'd better hurry,
it won't last long.
Holy looking glass.
A truck with folding
mirrors in its sides.
No wonder it vanished.
Yes, with nothing but the green
of the golf course to reflect...
it turned green too and
seemed to disappear.
But we're on to
your tricks, Joker.
You might as well...
Circle now and intertwine
Neatly wrap these guests of mine
And no more will they jeer and
scoff I'll cut their circulation off
If they do not see the joke Pull
the ropes and let them choke
- Holy eight ball, this trick rope of his!
- It's like being caught in a barrel of snakes.
Oh, well now, I must say, this
is an expected pleasure. Ha-ha.
You may have won
the first round, Joker...
- but we don't give up.
- Hah!
Hmm. I've heard about Batman, but
this is the first time I've ever met him.
And the last.
- So that's your dirty game.
- We might have known.
Why don't we think
about this, Joker?
- Think about it?
- Yeah.
What is this? Have you
gone soft, my little savage?
Well, I, uh...
I bet he wouldn't try to knock
you off, if he had the chance.
Oh, no, he'd merely try to incarcerate
me in durance vile for the rest of my life.
Oh-ho. A fate much worse than
death for a spirit such as mine.
- Still, we might give them a sporting chance.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, boss. We may never
get another chance like this.
That's right, we gotta get rid of
them. We owe it to the criminal world.
Well, we'll see. Bring them along.
Come, come, come. Ha-ha-ha.
And now my Dynamic Duo...
something I've been
waiting to do for a long time.
There, my funny ray has neutralized
the gadgets in your utility belts...
for at least an hour.
- You're both good swimmers, I hope.
- Fair.
Then you can easily remain
afloat for an hour, I presume?
If we weren't weighted
down or something.
You let these guys escape,
it'll be the mistake of your career.
- Yeah.
- You keep out of this.
If he wants to give them a
sporting chance, that's his business.
Oh, well, perhaps
they won't make it.
Gentlemen, step
that way, please.
This is delicious,
absolutely delicious.
Enough, enough,
enough. Out of my way.
I'll give you a few minutes
to get out of these...
before I start filling that.
And if you remain afloat for
an hour, you go absolutely free.
Now, what more could you ask?
I still suspect some trick.
Now, now, let's not
be bitter. Ha-ha-ha.
I think we should give him
the benefit of the doubt, Robin.
Until he proves
otherwise. It's only fair.
- I suppose you're right.
- Of course, he's right.
Gentlemen, be my guests.
Thank you.
Come, my sweet.
Holy smoke stack.
What a spot to get out of.
Right, Batman. There are
only two ways to get out of there.
One, I let you out.
And two, you jump
5 0 feet, straight up.
You still intend to free us if
we can stay afloat for an hour?
Oh, dear me.
Surely you don't think I'd joke about
such a serious matter as that, do you?
No.
Time to start filling the tank.
But that's gas.
I do believe you're
right. Ha-ha-ha.
But then, who said anything
about water? Ha-ha-ha.
But you can't float in gas.
No, but you can drown in it.
Oh, Joker, that's a dirty trick.
Oh, forget it, Jill.
You didn't really think I was going to pass up
a chance like this, did you, my peerless pair?
Play traitor to all my
principles and friends?
Oh, no. Ha-ha-ha.
But one last word of
advice, don't stir it up.
Too narrow in here
to use the Batrope.
There's nothing
for them to catch on.
And he's neutralized the rest
of the stuff in the utility belts.
What are we going to do?
Unless there's
someone to help us...
I don't know.
But help from where?
Not the Joker, certainly.