Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 24 - Give 'Em the Axe - full transcript

In last night's
Bat-adventure we saw:

Gotham City dignitaries gather.

An unveiling.

A ghastly travesty.

The Riddler at large again.

Pandemonium.

A riddle for a clue.

A call for help.

To the rescue.

Riddle solved, onto the library.

A ring of wax.



A rare old book stolen.

A strange discovery.

It's a clue.

Batman grabbed the gauntlet.

Was it a trap?

Watch out, Batman.

Too late.

Helpless.

A fatal dip.

And in just one
bubbling minute...

But wait, the most
terrifying is yet to come.

Holy paraffin, Batman, this
is going to be a close one.

Too close.

Oh, this is my dream come true.



With you two out of the way, there
is nothing that stands between me...

and the lost
treasure of the Incas.

And it's worth
millions. Millions.

Do you hear me, Batman?

Remember, Riddler, you
can't buy friends with money.

With money, who needs friends?

Riddler, honey, these fumes
are terrible. Can't we go below?

I want to watch this
to its glorious finale.

Can't we watch it just as
well from your candle scope?

Well, all right.

The fumes are getting to me too.

Keep smiling, you two.

Remember, I'd like nice
expressions on your faces...

when we deliver you
to the wax museum.

Bye. Let's go.

They're going,
Batman. They're going.

Good. Now to find a way
out of this predicament.

- Wait a minute. What's that?
- Where?

That barrel over there with a
chemical formula written on it.

I can't see all the formula...

but unless I miss my guess, that's
the solution for treating candlewicks.

- It's highly explosive when it's exposed to heat.
- I can't see how that's gonna do us much good.

Matches, down scope.

Ah. The candle scope
is working beautifully.

Oh, let me see, let me see.

All right, but
just for a second.

Aw. It does seem a shame.

Moth...

if you expect to get anywhere
in this arch-criminal game...

you can't be soft.

You must learn to
control your emotions.

Uh-oh. We're getting
awfully close to that wax.

Those fumes are
getting pretty strong.

Don't give up, Robin. Remember,
where there's a will, there's a way.

If only we could ignite that barrel
of chemical solution down there...

I feel certain it
would blow us free.

I don't know whether it'll
work, but I think it's worth a try.

I can't see what you're doing.

There's a shaft of sunlight
coming through the roof.

If I can just twist
around a little...

and reflect it in my highly
polished belt buckle...

with a little bit of luck, maybe
I can direct it at the barrel.

What are they doing up there?
Something nearly blinded me.

Let me take a look, boss.

I don't see nothing wrong, boss.

Something is awfully
bright up there.

I think I've got the
right angle now.

Hold perfectly still.

There. I'm right on the mark.

Prepare yourself for the shock.

What are they doing up there?

Was that an explosion?

Could the explosion
have blown them to bits?

Be still, my throbbing heart.

My fondest dream's come true.

Batman and Robin, dead.

Dead.

Dead.

My cup runneth over.

Up scope.

Can we forget about them now
and go find that lost treasure?

Ah. Oh.

Let me savor this moment, so
divine, seeing Batman and Robin dead.

It's more important
than any treasure.

More important than all those
Incan bobbles, bangles and beads?

Not to me, it ain't.

Impatience, thy name is woman.

First, I must call
Commissioner Gordon...

and tell him the good news about
his beloved Caped Crusaders...

and then confound
him with a little riddle.

Oh, why take time for that?

Crime is no fun without riddles.

I'll have you know, that's the main
reason I took up this crime game.

All of you, in the truck.

Ain't you taking the
Batmobile, boss?

It'd be too conspicuous
where we're going.

I'll be with you in
a minute. Go on.

Commissioner Gordon here.

This is the Riddler.

I have some news for you
about the late Dynamic Duo.

- Late?
- I'm sorry to be the one...

to break this unfortunate
news to you, commissioner.

Batman and Robin, dead?

I can't believe it.

If you had anything to do with this, Riddler,
I'll track you down to the ends of the Earth.

And that's a solemn promise.

While you're at it,
commissioner, ponder this riddle.

What has four legs, runs day and
night, but never gets anywhere?

- Now, see here, you cheap scoundrel...
- By the time you figure it out, it'll be too late.

Are you all right, Robin?

Gosh, we were almost goners.

Those guys mean business.

It's a miracle we were
blown free by that explosion.

Let's just be thankful that
my calculations were correct.

I don't know how you do it.

There's no time for that now.

Good, they didn't
take the Batmobile.

I think we'd better call
Commissioner Gordon.

- Commissioner Gordon?
- Who is this?

- Why, this is Batman.
- Batman.

Your Caped Crusader.
Is something wrong?

The Riddler said you were dead.

Wishful thinking on his part.

We're alive and raring to go.

Well, I must say,
this is good news.

But now back to business. What do
you make of this clue the Riddler left:

"What has four legs, runs day and
night, but never gets anywhere?"

That's the riddle,
word for word.

We'll get on it right
away, commissioner.

What has four legs, runs day and
night, but never gets anywhere?

This isn't going
to be easy, Robin.

A river runs day and night.

Yes, but it gets somewhere.
It runs to the ocean.

But a fountain... It
could be a fountain.

I think you're on
the right track, Robin.

But that four-legs
business, that stumps me.

An animal has four legs.

Wait a minute. Maybe the
fountain has an animal in it.

The famous lion fountains in
front of the Gotham City Museum.

Gosh, Batman, I
think you're wrong.

The lion fountains aren't running.
The water shortage, remember?

That's what that cheating devil wants
us to think, Robin. I'm sure I'm right.

And that's where the Riddler must be
going, and we must go without delay.

Hold tight.

How could a sarcophagus
be so hard to find?

Gee, boss, I don't even know
what an esophagus looks like.

You numskull, you're
no help to me here.

You and Matches go
upstairs, keep a look out.

Sure, boss.

Oh, Riddler, honey, this place
gives me a nice case of the jitters.

What are all those
nasty-looking things?

A few little fun things from
the Middle Ages, my little Moth.

That tub there...

that sweet little thing was
called the maiden's bath.

And this...

the exquisite iron mask.

And this, the
beloved stocks. Oh.

And that wheel over there...

the beautifully
ingenious wheel of death.

And last but not
least, the rack.

Oh.

Those were the good old days.

I'm sorry I asked.

Is it possible this has some connection
with the lost treasure of the Incas?

Aunt Harriet was reading to me
about it. It's in all the newspapers.

They can't exhibit it until they
build an airtight display case.

If it's exposed to air,
it will crumble to dust.

It's beginning to make sense.

The lost treasure of the Incas must
be hidden inside that sarcophagus.

I'd stake my life on it.

- So that's what he learned from that old book.
- I hope we're not too late, Batman.

So do I. Even now, Riddler
and his gang may be destroying...

one of the world's greatest
archeological treasures.

And for a mere million
dollars' worth of jewels.

It's locked. They
must be closed today.

How do we get in?

Batman. Look, that window.

It's open.

- But it's too small. I'd never make it.
- But I could. I could, Batman.

- It's dangerous.
- Let me do it.

I promise I'll come right down and
open the door for you. Please, Batman.

Be careful. Don't try to capture
the Riddler and the gang by yourself.

Come immediately downstairs
and open the door for me.

- I'll handle it. Do you understand?
- Roger.

And take your Bat-communicator
and keep in touch.

Stand clear.

Robin.

Keep in touch with me on
your throat communicator.

Golly, Batman, I
hope we're not too late.

I join you in that hope. I shudder to think
how it might affect our foreign relations...

- if anything happened to this exhibit.
- How do you mean, Batman?

Can you imagine the reaction of
our good neighbors to the south...

should we allow their national
treasure to be destroyed?

Gosh, I see what you mean.

Take care, Robin.

You. I thought you were dead.

I'll show you how dead I am.

Hey, Matches, give me a
hand, I can't handle him.

No.

- Watch your back!
- Now you're making me mad, kid.

Robin.

Robin? Do you hear me?

Is something wrong, Robin?

Robin.

Come in, Robin.

Hey, boss, look what we found.

Huh?

You...

- But you're dead.
- No thanks to you that I'm not.

And Batman? He lives too?

No, you fiend.

You've destroyed the finest man
that ever lived, and I'll get you for it.

You pernicious pipsqueak. You're
in no position to threaten anyone.

Put him on the rack.

If he doesn't fit,
stretch him to size.

But don't hurt him.

Robin, if you can hear
me, I'm coming in after you.

Commissioner.

I'm at the Gotham City Museum.

Robin's inside and
I'm going in after him.

You'd better send some men over.

Right.

You may think you have
the upper hand now, but wait.

Hey, boss, I think I found it.

What? The sarcophagus?

- Yeah, it's over here.
- The sarcophagus?

Just think, think...

in a few short moments...

the lost treasure of the
Incans shall be mine. Mine.

Ours, honey. Ours.

Who said you can't
take it with you?

Lucky for me, the
Incan emperors did.

At least, their jewels.

Oh, the sarcophagus.

Oh, it's too bad Batman's dead.

If only he could see me now.

Egad, it's Batman.

It can't be. I saw you
dead with my own eyes.

You lied to me, Boy Wonder.

A little white lie
is excusable...

when dealing with the likes of
you, you black-hearted scoundrel.

Well, don't just stand
there. Get him, men.

This is gonna hurt me
more than it does you.

Get him, Matches. Get him.

I don't know about you, Riddler,
honey, but I'm getting out of here. Oh!

All right, Riddler...

now it's your turn.

No, no. No.

- Sorry, ma'am.
- Batman.

Batman.

Holy smoke, the candle is
still burning under the wax.

- Put it out before it eats through.
- Good thinking, Robin.

Just in time.

Watch out, Batman.

Oh! Ah!

Didn't your mother ever tell you
not to play with knives, Riddler?

Can't we talk this
over, Batman? Ah!

Let me give you one last word
of advice. Give up your evil ways.

When you've paid your debt
to society, and pay it you will...

start life anew as
a respected citizen.

I'll give you anything,
anything. Anything you want.

Just name it,
Batman. Name it. Aah!

Oh! Ow!

Batman, that smarts. Ooh.

Robin, are you all right?

I'm just a little sore,
Batman. That's all.

One of Aunt Harriet's good nourishing
meals will set everything right again.

I sure worked up an
appetite, I'll tell you that.

You're all under arrest.
Now, no monkey business.

We got you covered.

There's no need for
guns, Chief O'Hara.

There's no more
fight left in them.

When Commissioner Gordon
told me to go to the museum...

naturally I thought he meant the wax museum,
otherwise we'd have been here sooner.

Anyone can make that mistake, Chief
O'Hara. There's no harm done, chief.

The Riddler and his accomplices are ready
to be delivered into your capable hands.

Oh, Batman, honey. Moth's learned her
lesson, really she has. Crime doesn't pay.

Unfortunately, you learned
your lesson too late, Moth.

A moth that plays around
candles is bound to be burned.

Oh. Batman.

You may have won the battle...

but the war isn't over yet.

This is certainly a very educational
way to spend an afternoon.

Yes, and it's going to
come in so handy at school.

- I think I'll do my end-of-term report on it.
- Very good.

Most Americans don't realize
what we owe to the ancient Incans.

Very few appreciate that
they gave us the white potato...

and many varieties
of Indian corn.

Now whenever I eat mashed potatoes,
I, for one, will think of the Incas.

- Heh.
- Mercy alive.

Have you ever seen
such beautiful jewels?

They must have
cost a king's ransom.

It says here that they found the jewels
in a secret panel in the sarcophagus.

They were hidden to guard against grave
robbers who were very prevalent in olden days.

Well, thank goodness we don't have
anything like that to worry about today.

I think we should
be leaving now.

Oh, Bruce, I want just one more
peek at this old Incan emperor.

Will you look at that?

Isn't he preserved nicely for
all those thousands of years?

It's remarkable.

The old boy nearly
didn't make it.

Next week, Batman
jousts with the Joker again.