Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 22 - Not Yet, He Ain't - full transcript

So far, we have seen
a peaceful matinee...

at a fashionable theater.

Stick them up.

Holy bombshell, the crook
caught by the Penguin.

The loot restored, and a
beautiful rich admirer found.

Can it be? That waddling
master of foul play gone straight?

Grill that crook. Make him
admit he's a Penguin stooge.

Useless. The bird won't sing.

In the steam room of The
Millionaire's Club, an attempted kidnap.

Again, foiled by the Penguin
and his magic umbrella.

The Penguin, set up in
business, rival to the Dynamic Duo.



Alfred the butler, an
undercover agent...

caught in the act.

A desperate escape.

The Penguin must be
after those priceless jewels.

Bait for a clever Penguin trap.

But Penguin's too clever.

Holy backfire,
what a catastrophe.

Snap goes the Penguin
trap, cement-filled umbrellas.

Strung up behind
a shooting gallery.

Death at the unwitting
hands of the police?

Wait. The wildest
is yet to come.

Now, gentlemen,
at my instructions.

Ready...

aim...



fire!

- What's so funny, Penguin?
- Oh, the irony of it.

The exquisite humor.

Where's our check? The thousand
bucks for the police benevolent fund.

Yes. With my gratitude, you've
earned it. Ha, ha. It's certified.

Holy hot foot. The bulletproof soles
of our shoes sure saved our lives.

The shock has luckily unjammed
my Batknife too. I'll cut these ropes.

Unh. We'll get out of here fast.

You know, it's quite
a recoil for a popgun.

You're right, Chief O'Hara.
I noticed that myself.

Now, let's toss the costumed corpses
over the pier, to the sharks with them.

Great blubbering whale
oil. They've evaporated.

Slugged me when I
wasn't looking. Batarangs.

Curses. Curses. Now we'll
have to fight another round.

Gosh, Batman. I still think we should
have crashed in and caged that bird.

On what charge?

Attempted murder.

Commissioner Gordon and
Chief O'Hara fired the guns.

Ouch, yes.

We're the fugitives. We're
wanted by the law for burglary.

Besides, the Penguin had
legally rented that amusement pier.

- We're the trespassers.
- Holy nightmare.

This game, Penguin
holds all the aces.

He may be holding
all the aces...

but tomorrow morning,
we play the trump card.

Those masked menaces must
be apprehended. I won't stand for it.

A civil tongue, Penguin, or I'll
have you removed from my office.

A civil tongue, is it?

You watch out or I'll have
you removed from your office.

- What?
- My influential friends won't like this.

They'll have you thrown back
into the Department of Sanitation...

where you belong for
harboring wanted criminals.

An outrageous accusation.

Open your yap, Penguin.
Make that charge again.

- I'm afraid Penguin's right.
- My dear Ms. Starr.

Do you pretend you can't find
these criminals, commissioner?

What's the matter, commissioner?
Famous hotline out of order?

Penguin, don't touch
that phone. Unh!

- Yes, commissioner?
- Quack, quack, I'm on the phone.

- Penguin.
- No answer, eh? Hmm?

The heat is on, Batman. You'd better come in
and give yourself up on that burglary charge.

- Instantly. Do you understand?
- I'll see you, Penguin.

I'll be at your Protective
Agency office in 25 minutes.

Did you hear that? He's
on his way to attack me.

I demand protection.

The Penguin is within his rights,
Chief O'Hara. Stake out the area.

- Arrest Batman.
- Yes, sir.

Get on the mobile Batphone.
Call Commissioner Gordon.

Roger.

Give him the
following instructions...

To arms, my fine, frothy
finks. Batman's on his way.

Well, the costumed crooks,
the dressed-up desperadoes.

Your super brain power
has driven us mad, Penguin.

Something snapped.

We don't care if we go up the river for
a hundred years. We're getting you first.

Quick, my finks, self-defense. The
Dynamic Duo has flipped their wigs.

Batman, listen, it's the police.

Let's get out of here.

Surrender, Batman.
We're taking you in.

Get them, coppers.

Agh! Ah. Agh!

Oh, frabjous day.
Callooh! Callay!

- Let's bag the Batmobile.
- Sensational idea. Come on.

Let's see, now, how do
you run this dratted thing?

I'll call the morgue.

Don't feel too sad,
boys. You had to do it.

There's nothing so tragic as a
good crime fighter turned bad.

In view of their past services, I've given orders
that they be buried with full police honors.

- Despite the fact they died as fugitive felons?
- Yes, George, despite that fact.

Nothing can erase the memory of
the deeds they performed before they...

became unhinged.

Now, tell me, commissioner, what
do you think brought about this...

Batman and Robin, dead?

What in the world is
going to become of us?

Perhaps that's a better
question than you realize, madam.

How I wish Bruce and Dick were
here. Maybe they could console me.

I doubt that very
much, Mrs. Cooper.

I doubt it very much.

- Thank you, commissioner.
- Anytime, George.

- Hello, chief.
- George.

- For your signature, commissioner.
- Oh?

Yeah. It's a requisition
slip for the ammo we used...

getting Batman and
Robin in the big gunfight.

Two hundred and ninety-seven
rounds including tommy gun and pistol.

- Strange, isn't it?
- Isn't what strange?

Two hundred and ninety-seven
rounds of blank ammunition.

Do you know them blanks
cost more than the real ones?

Ahh. Oh, what a
thrill, Pengy, darling...

driving in your Birdmobile through
Gotham City on an anti-crime patrol.

Birdmobile? What nerve.

By whatever name...

that tiny TV transmitter we built in the back
of the fuel gauge is functioning perfectly.

Let's just hope some
foolish felon tries to start...

Look. Isn't that a holdup?

Hand over that
payroll or get ventilated.

- Pengy, it is a holdup.
- Was a holdup, you mean.

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Oh, Pengy, you routed him.

What a crime fighter.

What a man of action.

- Holy mush.
- Bet you a milkshake...

that so-called holdup Penguin
just spoiled was another charade.

Gosh, Batman. I think it's time we came back
from the grave and nail that brassy bird.

Patience, Robin. Our seeming
demise is our trump card.

That and letting him
steal the Batmobile.

I'd sure like to try some of the
other special gimmicks we installed.

Don't worry, Robin.
We'll have time.

Just as soon as the
Penguin reveals his plot.

And I know it has something
to do with Sophia Starr.

Sweet Sophia.

Darling, Pengy birdie.

Holy Romeo and Juliet.

Sophia, look into
my eyes, will you?

Will you?

Will you?

Oh, yes, Penguin. Yes. Yes.

- Oh, yes.
- Yes.

- A solid gold dinner service.
- Check.

- A diamond-studded electric can opener.
- Check.

- A oil well.
- Check.

A oil well?

The deed's in the
envelope, stupid.

- From the bride's uncle in Texas.
- Wow!

The guests are
coming. Everything set?

Yeah. The bomb we placed in
the water pipes ought to go off, right:

Five, four, three, two, one.

Perfect, eh?

- Good gracious. What happened?
- Oh, nothing to bother you, my little love.

One of those water
pipes seems to have burst.

Luckily, we brought some
water buckets and umbrellas too.

Enough for a small list
of distinguished guests.

Oh, you are fantastic, Penguin. Is
there anything you're not prepared for?

I hope not, my
sweet. Mm, I hope not.

- What? It seems to be raining in here.
- I've never...

- Man the buckets, my good man.
- Sure thing, Mr. Penguin.

The wedding? How
come it's raining in here?

- It's raining in the house.
- Right in the house.

This rainfall, I've never
seen anything like it.

Pass out the emergency
umbrellas, Dove.

Right away, Mr. Penguin.

Here you are, folks.
Take your umbrellas.

He's gonna give us umbrellas.

The Penguin and
umbrellas? It spells trouble.

Well, sure, then I'm glad
we're on the guest list.

- Here.
- Ah, yes.

Oh, how charming and unusual.

An indoor wedding in the rain.

All the gifts are on display
and we have a charming buffet.

- Everyone.
- Open your umbrellas.

- It's raining heavily in here.
- Yes.

- Watch the bucket.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Ah, ha, ha. How do
you do? How do you do?

Ha-ha-ha. Thank you.
Thank you. Ha, ha.

Great Scott. The
wedding presents.

One of your criminals
has done that.

He's taken advantage of this
bizarre confusion to steal my dowry.

If you want to see the crook
who's behind this, look in the mirror.

Mirror, mirror.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the fairest fink of all?

Ah, oh!

- Pengy, they've fainted.
- Well, don't get upset.

- We'll get to the bottom of this.
- Eagle-Eye, Dove, come here.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Let's go.
- Where to, boss?

Well, the criminals must be
below. Quick, to the elevator.

We'll apprehend them
or we'll die in the attempt.

Yes. Yes. Oh!

Waugh, waugh, waugh.

Oh, what a haul. What
a criminal cornucopia.

- Penguin, you're a genius.
- Of course I'm a genius.

It's too bad that our two costumed
clowns aren't here to see my triumph.

Into our Birdmobile.
We'll fly like the wind...

to our secret
impregnable hideaway.

What a brilliant bird am I.
What a brilliant bird am I.

A fortune in wedding
gifts and still a bachelor.

What a dastardly twisted plot.

That Penguin's some foul bird.

Not only robbing his own wedding but
leaving that trusting girl at the altar.

- Let's go get him, huh?
- Right you are, Robin.

Let's see how his course is coming
in on the mobile Batcycle Batscanner.

He's just passing
Gotham City limits.

Right. Let's go.

A bachelor's life
is the life for me

Titwillow, titwillow, titwillow

A bachelor's life
is the life for me

Titwillow, titwillow
and titwillow

We're gaining, Batman.

Batscanner says, "Range, 7490."

Lucky for us he doesn't know how to
actuate the super-speed afterburner.

- Time to jolt him with our gimmicks, huh?
- Roger.

We'll start by giving his two stooges
a short sweet voyage into space.

Here goes the remote
control ejector button.

Eagle-Eye. Dove.
Thundering feathers.

I must have accidentally
hit some dratted button.

Now for some amusing
fun with the doors.

Fouled-up secondhand car.

Great melting icebergs.

This bird is
beginning to fly here.

Come here, you black raven.

Look. Look at him, Robin.
That crooked bird's going crazy.

Be careful, Batman. We don't
want him to smash up the Batmobile.

Good point, Robin. I'll take over
the steering now by remote control.

I hate you.

Great melting icebergs. This
filthy beast seems out of my control.

- What's the range now?
- "One, six, zero, two."

Hold tight, Penguin.
Emergency turn coming up.

Forget the scenic route, you black
vulture. Just get me back on the main road.

- Look, Batman. Penguin's ugly thugs.
- Let's rack them up, huh?

Do you see what I see, Dove?

- What do you see, Eagle-Eye?
- I see ghosts on a Batcycle.

Ghosts, huh? I don't think
you crooks have the right spirit.

The Batmobile.
Let's get the controls.

Back from the grave,
you tricksters, eh?

Back to send you on a honeymoon
cruise, Penguin. Up the river to the pen.

- Gone straight, huh?
- We'll straighten you out.

- Case closed, Batman?
- Yes. Except for one detail.

- What's that?
- The Batmobile.

We'll have to have it fumigated.

Here you are, Ms. Starr,
all the stolen gifts recovered.

- I wonder.
- What, Ms. Starr?

The love and
affection I'd provide...

it might be just the thing that would turn
him into an honest, law-abiding citizen.

Great Scott, Ms. Starr.

You mean you'd still consider
becoming that crooked bird's wife?

Why not?

I'd make him a nest where he'd
feel warm and protected and loved.

It's a challenge to
quicken any woman's heart.

Officer, bring in Penguin.

Oh, my dear Pengy.
My poor little sick bird.

It was mine. I tell you,
it was all in my grip.

This was my oil well, and this
was my solid gold dinner service.

And this was my
diamond-studded can opener.

- Greedy bird. Have you no conscience?
- This woman loves you, Penguin.

- She's still willing to marry you.
- Who, me? The Penguin?

- Married and kept in a bathtub?
- I love you, Pengy.

I'd try very hard to reform you.

Great heavenly ice floes.

Take me to prison.