Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 21 - The Penguin Goes Straight - full transcript

A beautiful Wednesday
afternoon in Gotham City.

Matinee day at this theater.

In a moment, the playgoers will be
coming out for a refreshing orange drink.

But watch closely, there may be
a drama that's not on the program.

So superior to the sort
of thing one usually sees.

Oh, yes, infinitely.

And a leading man, my dear Mrs.
Van Climber, his tremendous power.

Absolutely inspired,
my dear Penguin.

It's a penetrating
documentary in our time.

It's a mirror of our
clichéd minds...

of our sadly weakened moral
fiber, wouldn't you say so?



Hands up, everybody and
you won't get hurt. I ain't kidding.

Do as he says, Penguin.
He's a desperate man.

You, unhook that ruby pendant.

Throw it here.

- Outrageous monster.
- Shh! He'll hear you.

Back away, everybody. Back away.

Knave thief, surrender.

Wise guy, huh? Take this.

Jumping jeepers, a
bulletproof umbrella.

- Ms. Starr...
- Oh.

- May I?
- Thank you.

- There.
- Oh.

How can I ever, ever thank you?

What?



The Penguin prevented a crime, that
waddling pompous master of foul play?

It's true, commissioner. And who
do you think the necklace belongs to?

- Ms. Sophia Starr.
- Sophia Starr?

Beauteous queen of
Gotham City society?

That's her. They left
the theater hand-in-hand.

- Ominous, most ominous.
- What do you think it means, commissioner?

Since it involves the Penguin, only
one man can answer that question...

and answer it in time.

The Caped Crusader.

All right, commissioner,
I'll fetch him for you.

And in Wayne Manor where young
Dick Grayson practices his putting...

under the watchful
eye of his guardian...

millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his doting Aunt Harriet.

- Oh, missed that one.
- Precision, Dick, precision.

The key to success in
life as well as in sports.

Excuse me, sir, but there's
a telephone call for you.

A certain Mr. Rime, sir.

- Rime?
- Yes, sir, a Mr. K. Rime...

uh, if you understand me.

Of course. Mr. K. Rime with a red hot line
of investments for the Wayne Foundation.

Precisely, sir.

Dick, it's about time you started learning
something about the elements of investment.

We may be a while, Aunt Harriet.

Mr. K. Rime might want us to
visit him at the stock exchange.

So long, Aunt
Harriet. See you later.

Mercy me.

What an unfortunate name
for an investment counselor.

K. Rime?

Sounds like "crime."

Isn't that funny, Alfred? I'd be very
careful about him if I were Bruce.

Indeed, madam.

Yes, commissioner?

A strange and troubling
turn of events, Batman.

You have a competitor in
crime fighting: the Penguin.

We're on our way.

The Penguin.

Holy nick of time. Lucky for
us, we just finished installing...

- the bulletproof windshield in the Batmobile.
- Not so lucky for the Penguin.

To the Batpoles.

Thanks, commissioner.
We've got the picture.

I'll call you back if
Batman has any ideas.

What do you think, Batman?

- Has the Penguin really gone straight?
- It's a tough one.

When that bird turns snow white, it
could be merely a tricky whitewash job.

Right. But still, we've got to think
of his record since he last left prison.

Clean as a whistle, it seems,
accepted in the best circles.

Not even a ticket
for jaywalking.

Could it be that he is reformed?

Or only pretending to reform, stalking his next
victim under the false colors of a crime fighter.

How the heck do we find out?

- I have an idea.
- What, Batman?

Say that caper at the
theater was a Penguin ploy.

That crook he caught must
have been an accomplice, right?

- On the nose.
- Call the commissioner.

Have him give
that crook a grilling.

We'll be there
in time for the kill.

All right, I'll ask
you one more time.

- How long have you known the Penguin?
- Who?

Quit lying, you cheap hoodlum. He
paid you to pull that job, didn't he?

Told you to keep your mouth shut, promised
to cut you in on the big job later.

You guys must read too many
comic books or something.

Hold it, Chief O'Hara.
No rough stuff.

It's our duty to
abide by the rules.

Now, this lying is useless.

Besides, we have evidence.

- Evidence?
- The bulletproof umbrella.

Why would the Penguin have
carried a bulletproof umbrella...

unless he expected
your machine gun attack?

Who knows? Ask him.

A hard-baked cookie this one.

Covered with armor plate icing.

Let's give him a turn, shall we?

Hey.

What's the matter,
sonny? Scared of the dark?

Aah! Help, there's
bats loose in here.

Holy knock out drops.

- The miserable weakling fainted dead away.
- Looks like you overdid it, Batman.

- There's only one thing to do now.
- Find Penguin himself. Put the blocks to him.

- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes, lieutenant?

We have a report from the
tail we put on the Penguin.

He just entered the Gotham
City Millionaire's Club.

Holy jackpot.

That bird of prey loose
among the golden geese.

Only one way to find out.
Chief, call the parking lot.

Have them clear all the
exits for the Batmobile.

Meanwhile, in the steam room of the super
exclusive Gotham Millionaire's Club...

a strange, disquieting scene.

Leave that guy
alone, you criminals.

- Earl, take him out of here.
- Look out. Watch out. Watch out. Quick.

- More steam.
- Roger.

- That's got it.
- All right.

A snatch in the fog, eh?

Avast, you sad,
dimmed-witted ruffian.

- Hey, the smoke screen.
- It's gone.

Cheese it.

Oh, thank you, sir.
They tried to kidnap me.

It's all right, Reggie,
my boy. You're safe now.

You're with the Penguin.

- Put up your flippers, Penguin.
- Caught you with your feathers down.

Kidnapping. One false move
and you'll get the Batarang.

Hello, my esteemed
colleagues in crime fighting...

the droll deceivers,
The Dynamic Duo.

Batman, listen,
you've got it all wrong.

The Penguin saved me
from being kidnapped.

Saved you?

I swear to you, old boy.

Villains were trying to abduct me
under the cover of a steam screen.

And heaven knows
how he did it...

but this delightful bird-like chap
suddenly dispelled the steam...

and the criminals
took to their heels.

Elementary, my dear Reggie.

My ubiquitous umbrella was
fortunately loaded with colored dry ice.

And when I discharged the jet,
the vapor was instantly condensed.

- Something fishy here.
- There sure is.

He must have known about
the supposed kidnapping.

Otherwise, why would he be carrying
an umbrella loaded with dry ice?

The reason is the
season, Batman.

- What?
- This prematurely hot weather annoys me.

Being a penguinous kind
of a bird, I hate hot weather.

So, what would be more natural than I should
carry an umbrella loaded with dry ice?

Oh, yeah?

If you hate the heat so much,
what are you doing in a steam room?

Oh, I ask you, is that an ethical
question between crime fighters...

competitors you might say?

You pompous, taunting creature.

Heh, heh. Well, I'm sorry,
but I must fly. I'm very busy.

I have a little rendezvous with Sophia
Starr. We have some arrangements to make.

- Arrangements?
- For her jewels.

I'm taking over
their protection.

Allow me to give you my card.

Come on, my dear boy.

Oh, you saved my life, Penguin.
If there's anything I can do...

"Penguin Protective
Agency, Incorporated."

Holy leopard, what
a change of spots.

The Penguin, in
business as a private eye.

Hiring him to guard jewels is like
trusting a leaf of lettuce to a rabbit.

- Let's race back and give Ms. Starr a warning.
- Useless. She's smitten with him.

She'd scoff at us.

So, what do we do, Batman?

We can't protect her, but we can save her
jewels and at the same time, set a trap.

Great. How?

We substitute fake jewels
for the real ones, Robin...

treated in our reactor to leave
radioactive traces of the thief.

- Terrific.
- There's just one problem.

To make copies. How to know
what the real ones look like?

- Correct.
- He has to look at them.

- That would tip Penguin off.
- Pick up the Batphone, call Alfred.

Tell him to wait for
us in the Batcave.

Alfred is going to be our
secret undercover agent.

- What?
- Reggie Rich gave you a check...

- for $10,000 and you tore it up?
- Indeed. Indeed.

- And right in front of his very eyes.
- You know something?

Playing at being a straight guy must
have unhinged the Penguin's mind.

Why, you birdbrain.

What's 10,000 when
I aim at millions?

Confidence, that is what I
am stealing from these dupes.

Confidence and
pride in the Penguin.

And they will end up handing
me their treasure on a silver plate.

- Yeah, but I wonder.
- You wonder what?

- Don't get mad at me...
- Yeah.

But I wonder what Batman
and Robin's gonna have to say.

The piddling pair will be
punctured now and forever.

No offense, Penguin, but we've
heard you sing that song before.

Yeah, it's always us who end up
singing the anvil chorus in the pen.

No, not this time. You see, I
have planted a seed in their mind.

I have planted the
erroneous idea...

that I am going to steal
the jewels of Sophia Starr.

- You mean you ain't?
- No, I am not.

I delight in the devious.

I obviate the obvious, you see.

Misreading my intentions,
they're going to lay a trap for me...

a trap which when it springs...

Batman and Robin
will never come back.

Batman and Robin will never...

Well, farewell, my
fine frosted finks.

You mind the store.

I'm going to see my
shining star, Sophia Starr.

Plot and counterplot.

Here's Alfred carrying
out a vital but risky chore...

in the guise of a man from
Floyd's Insurance Limited.

Excellent. I think that just
about does it, Ms. Starr.

You're sure there's nothing
else you want, Mr. Smedley?

No, thank you. No. That
will just complete our records.

Ah, fiddlesticks.

- Beg pardon, Pengy darling?
- But it offends me to the quick.

An insurance company worrying
about the safety of your jewels...

while they're under
my guardianship.

One can never be too
secure, can one, Mr. Penguin...

with the world these
days so full of predators.

Great Scott, Alfred.
Have you forgotten?

Batman told you to switch
cigarette holders with the Penguin.

You're meant to palm off the trick one with
the tiny super-powered transmitter inside.

Quick, before it's too late.

Create that diversion.

Good day, Ms. Starr.

Great heavens.

The anti-theft system built into my
carrying case, it went off accidentally.

Don't panic. I can fix that.

There. Neutralized by my
high-powered demagnetizer coil.

Oh, Pengy, you're fantastic.

No trouble. Ha, ha.

Why, there's no end
to your resourcefulness.

- Thank you, my love, thank you.
- Oh, Pengy.

- Oh, look, the handle of your umbrella.
- What?

Zounds, my secret
radio detector.

Somebody has planted an
electronic bug in this room.

Huh?

Eh? Eh. Eh.

Eh.

Eh. Eh. Eh-heh.

So you switched
cigarette holders, did you?

Ah.

Floyd's of Dublin,
huh? I think not.

Out with it, you criminal.

Who are you working for?

It can happen to the best
of us, Mr. Penguin, sir.

One moment everything's going smoothly and the
next, fate pulls the rug out from under us.

- Pengy.
- Good day, miss.

Oh, Pengy.

Pengy, my poor darling.

Who cares about
him. Are you all right?

Vengeance.

Failure, sir, utter failure.

- That's not true, Alfred.
- Of course not.

The important thing was to get
this picture of Sophia's jewels.

- You got it.
- Sure, you did.

And we've already made a
complete set of fake copies.

Thanks to you, we may be
able to avert a gigantic robbery.

Robin, grab those fake jewels.

We must strike before
the Penguin does.

Let's go.

- We're sure taking a chance, Batman.
- What's the matter, soles of your boot slippery?

Heck, no. I mean, when we put
the fake jewels in Ms. Starr's safe...

take the real ones out, we
could be nailed as crooks.

That's a chance we
have to take, Robin.

In our well-ordered society, protection
of private property is essential.

Yes, you're right, Batman.

That's the keystone
of all law and order.

Let's go, chum.

The safe should be
behind that picture.

Coast seems clear.

Get out the electric
eye looping unit.

Neutralize the alarm.

- I'll listen for the tumblers.
- Roger.

Perfect. Tumblers
are falling into place.

Got you, you thieves.

- One move and you're a dead duo.
- Holy Bat-trap.

Let's fight our way out of this.

Help!

Oh, thieves!

- They're getting out the window.
- Let them go. They won't get far.

- Pengy, dear, are you all right?
- Sophia, my dear, you call the police.

- I'll call the Gotham City Times.
- Yes.

Shocking, shocking. How could the
responsible press print such an item?

You can't blame the
papers, commissioner.

Things sure looked dark for
Batman when the lights went on.

Yes, but still, how could a sane
person think Batman a criminal?

How ungrateful the public is.

Yes? Put him on.
It's the Penguin.

Oh, good morning, commissioner.

Have you snared the
costumed crooks yet?

They're still at large, Penguin.

Well, that's very lax
of you, commissioner.

I do hope that they won't burst
in tonight and terrorize our party.

- Your party?
- Yes.

By the way, you're invited.
You might come if you feel like it.

Some of my influential friends
are giving a gala benefit for the PPA.

That's the Penguin's
Protective Agency.

Yes. Oh, we have taken over
the Gotham Amusement Pier.

Should be amusing.

You...

You abominable avian.

- Yes, commissioner?
- Gotham Amusement Pier, tonight.

- Penguin's tossing a party.
- Interesting.

You'd better not be there, Batman. If
you're spotted, I'll have to arrest you.

It's our only hope, Robin.

We'll have to catch Penguin
in something crooked.

Then he won't be able to
press that warrant for our arrest.

- I have an awful thought, Batman.
- What?

What if Penguin really
has gone straight?

- Drat.
- What do you think, Batman?

He's with Sophia Starr and she's
wearing those priceless diamonds.

Yeah, I have a strange
feeling. It's time for the kill.

Gee, that cement-filled
umbrella sure cooled them off.

- Well done, my finks. Well done.
- What now, Penguin?

String them up here back of the shooting
gallery directly behind the cutouts.

- Right.
- Now, one small little detail.

Our, uh, umbrella
popguns, take out the pellets.

Introduce real bullets.

- You, uh, challenge us, Penguin?
- I certainly do.

Knowing you gentlemen
to be of sporting blood...

I know that you will play this
exquisite little game with me.

If you will burst those two
red balloons on the first round...

I will donate 1000 dollars to
your police benevolent fund.

- That's too easy, Penguin.
- Much too easy.

- There must be a catch to it somewhere.
- No catch whatsoever.

If you shoot those two red balloons, you
will be doing Gotham City a gigantic favor.

- Do the city a big favor?
- What the devil.

Why not?

- Give us the guns, Penguin.
- Give them the umbrella gun.

- All set, my hearties?
- We're set.

Now, on my instructions.

Ready.

Aim...