Baskets (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Trainee - full transcript

- BASKETS -

Jesus Christ!

- Bye.
- George, you cannot be here.

You're rent is due. You must pay me.

- Again?
- Yes.

George, when is this gonna stop?

You come to me every week about rent.

That's all you think about.

I think you might need
to see a shrink or somebody.

This is the hotel. It's not free.

Yeah. You don't think I know that, George?



You charge $2.00 for a can of soda. $2.00!

That's illegal in the state of California.

Yeah, but I've given you
three warnings now. Three.

Everything I get from the rodeo
goes directly to you.

Yeah, but it's not enough.

Well, I don't know what to do.

You want to complain to the rodeo?
Hit 'em up on Twitter.

What?

Hit 'em up on Twitter.
I don't know, email 'em.

Ah, email, email. Listen,
this is the final warning.

Pay me, or you must go.

George, I really think you
need to see someone, okay?

I really do, George.

God!



Baskets career college presents

the series "How A Manager Manages."

Lesson 19.

Hey, Kevin, you wanted to talk to me?

Hey, Martha. Correspondence course.

Wow, I didn't know you
went back to school.

- That's so great.
- Yeah.

You just wait until your manager
has a degree in management.

Wow, that is gonna be somethin'.

Um, you said that you wanted to see me.

Right. Uh, time to put
my education to good use.

Uh, I just received a memo
from upper management.

From Doug. You know Doug.

Yeah, Doug, he has the, um...

Black guy.

I was gonna say he has a scar on his face.

That's okay.

We all have our regular jobs here.

But we do have to sell executive
memberships to the Costco club,

and Doug was looking through your file,

and apparently, you haven't sold one.

Um, to be honest, Kevin, I'm not
really much of a salesperson.

I'm more of an insurance wiz.

I know, but... but Doug said
you have to pull your weight

when it comes to the executive
membership sales,

or else, you know...

He'd fire me?

That ax is mine... Mine to hold.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

If I fired you, would you cry?

I might cry,

but I would wait until I was in my car.

Um, Kevin, are you okay?

I've never had to fire anyone before.

I've been practicing on myself.

Fired myself five times last
night, and I can't do this.

Okay, well, don't worry.
I won't put you through that.

I can sell one membership. That's easy.

Really? Thank you so much, Martha.

Um, if I can't sell a membership,

would it be easier for you
if I just went missing?

Did you know that you can
get a lot of money back?

Have you ever thought about how much
money you can save...

What are you murmuring about, you maniac?

Hey, did you know that you could
save all kinds of money with...

Oh, god, there's that word again!

Money, money, money, money, money!

So all this country talks about is money.

I'm sorry, I should not
have yelled at you.

You're just making conversation.

What's wrong?

It's just I'm late on rent again.

It's something they don't teach you
in clown college, that's for sure.

Well, I would loan you the money,

but I'm saving up to get this app.

So maybe your wife could loan it to you.

She'll just ask for it back right away.

Hmm. What about your brother?

I owe him $40 already.

Oh.

Hey, I know. You could ask your mom.

Never. No way.

Have you ever seen a knife this sharp

in your whole life?

I tell you one thing,
I am not paying money

to thoses foreigners who run
that flee bag motel.

Mom, I will pay you back. Okay?

I guess you can move in here?

Until you get on your feet.

- I can...
- I appreciate the invitation, mom,

but I am a grown man.

What about you and Martha
starting a greeting card company?

Have you seen the cost of greeting cards?

I paid $5.00 for a get well card.

Mom, I... I have a job.

I'm-I'm a clown. I just
don't have the money.

You know, Chip, jobs
are supposed to pay the bills.

That's why they're called jobs.

How's that for cutting a bagel thin, huh?

Pretty good.

What about Arby's?
Everyone's happy at Arby's.

Plus, bonus, curly fries.

That's a... That is a good bonus.

Do you love 'em?

I do love 'em.

What do you dip yours in?

Um, ketchup. Sometimes
with blue cheese dressing.

- Oh, a mixer.
- Yeah.

Wow, she's a wild one, Chip.

What's the seasoning on there?

I'm thinkin' paprika.

Hey, step off, you punk ass hick!

What do you even call that get up, kid?

ICP, bitches!

What the hell did you just call us?

Baskets, your boy here sure
don't respect authority.

My boy?

He a damn clown, ain't he?

No, look at him. He looks like a lunatic.

Yeah, well, I caught him
using the cowboy toilet.

Clowns piss outside. Come on.

They're right.

Clowns have to...

We have to urinate outside.

Just the way it is.

How old are you, son?

- 32.
- Jesus Christ.

I thought you were, like, 13.

You ever been a clown before,

or is this just a way
to meet rodeo chicks?

I just need the cash, Homey.

This rodeo shit's all I got
for a guy that looks like me.

I can't make this work, then...

Then I'm gonna have to get a real
job, 'cause right now I am ass out.

Hey, listen to me.

This is a real job.

Guys like us, we have to stick together.
We all can be

florist or dishwashers,
some of us have to be artist.

Nah, man. I'm just a Juggalo.

I'll train you.

What? You want to train me?

Yeah. I'm classically trained.

In Paris, which is in France,
which is in Europe.

So, uh, you're in good hands.

Man, that's amazing, man. Mad
clown love to you, brother.

Oh, mad clown love. You da bomb, man.

Yeah, you see there? My boy right here.

He gonna make me a fancy-ass French clown.

Y'all cowboys can suck chub.

- Okay.
- Mm-hm.

That's good. We'll, uh...

We'll talk tomorrow.

Hey, Juggs.

If you want, you can, uh,
wash the clown make up off.

I'll watch out for the cowboys.

You're kiddin', right?

Killer, this ain't make up.

This shit is my life.

Yeah.

Mad clown love.

Hi. I'll take a bag.

Thank you.

Okay, here we go.

Uh, now that we have a moment,

I was wondering, can I intercieve
a Cosco executive membership.

The saving can be up to... What?

Okay, I gotta go. Sorry.

Okay, for our first
lesson, we'll do a little

table top clowning, okay?

Let's do it.

So, you dip your finger in something,

you bring it to your nose.

Happens to smell bad. Get it away from me.

Ah, you accidentally
hit your finger and...

Mm! And that's feces at the end
of your finger, okay?

All right, give it a try.

All right. So... dip, smell.

Ooh. Uh-oh.

Ah!

You want some notes?

Please, yeah.

I'm not believing
that your fingers smell bad.

It didn't read in your eyes.

This is a goof smell. It's something...

You don't know what it smells like really,

so when you stick your fingers in,

when you bring it to your nose,

your eyes are gonna have
to tell the audience,

"Hey, I'm smelling something goofy!"

So you're gonna have to do
a goof look in your eyes.

Maybe cross your eyes. Can you do that?

Like this?

Just looks like you're lookin' at tennis.

No, I'm doin' it.

No, no, you're just shifting
your eyes like this.

Yeah, that's what crossing is, man.

No, no, no. Relax. Breathe
into the eyeballs.

Look at the end of your nose.

Like this, and then look up.

It's simple.

Take a look at the end of your nose.

Nice. And then gradually look up.

Looking up, looking up. There you go.

Eyeballs up. Eyeballs up.

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

- Am I doing it?
- Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up...

Am I doing it? Am I doing it?

Okay, that looks too kabuki.

That's too kabuki.

What's a kabuki?

It's a Japanese clown.

Yeah, dog. I knew them
cats was down with it.

From the series "How A Manager Manages,"

"How To Fire Someone."

The first thing you're gonna want to do

is avoid eye contact.

If you look a person in the eye,

you might see 'em cry.

Step 2: Stay neutral. Stay unemotional.

Um, if this is a bad
time, I can come back.

Martha, uh...

That was for school.

Okay, um, I have some bad news.

I'm really sorry, I tried
my best and I.. and I...

You didn't sell the membership.

I did not sell the membership.

And now you're expecting to be fired?

Would it be easier if you just, like,

wrote "you're fired" on a piece of paper,

and left it on my desk?

No. I have to do this.

Okay.

I can't.

I just can't do this. I'm not a manager.

I'm not a manager.

You're a great manager.

I wouldn't have even tried
to sell memberships

if you hadn't encouraged me.

Slash, threatened me.

I'm gonna give you to Friday.

To go out and sell a membership.

Just one. And you're in the clear.

Um, well, thanks for the extension, Kevin,

but I'm probably just gonna use that time

to get ready to go missing.

No. Sell the membership.

Okay.

Man, this rodeo shit don't pay nothin'.

Yeah, but you're growing as an artist,

and that's more important
than making money.

Right, but I got to get

my great grandparents house. You feel me?

Hey, look, man. You have a choice.

Here, you're a real clown.

You're an artist.

If you want to go make
money, go get a job.

They pay the bills. That's why
they're called jobs.

Well, you might as well
work at Arby's, right?

You know, thanks, Chip.

You're all wise and shit.

Thanks, Juggs.

Thanks.

You my homey.

Real cool, George!

Real cool.

What the heck?

So, what happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Do you know where you're gonna stay?

I have to move in with my wife.

Well, bless you.

Press it again. Just keep your elbow...

Just keep it on there.

Yeah, just keep it... Jeez...

Oh.

Yeah, poke it a couple... there she is.

Okay.

- What time is it?
- 8:30.

It's too early.

What do you want?

Uh, I have lost the, uh,
residing of my residence.

- And, um...
- He got evicted.

What is, uh, this?

- I'm his friend.
- She's my associate.

Associate only.

Anyway, you can't... With her.

I do have a futon.

See? Futon.

You can drink wine,
make love on the futon.

You know, have good time.

I don't have any wine.

Yeah, I'll make my own arrangements.

Goodbye.

???????.

You sleepin' in there?

Oh, god, Eddie, I must have passed out.

- Sorry.
- Well, you can't sleep here, man.

Bingo used to sleep here in the 90s.

He drug a stink in here so bad
the livestock wouldn't stay.

You gotta come out. We got rules now.

Oh, Eddie, let me just stay
a little bit longer, okay?

Okay.

What's up, killer?

- Hey! How you doin'?
- Aight.

Still, uh, ready for that pratfall
class we're gonna take?

Yeah, but I mean, if you're
in the middle of something...

No, no, no, I can... I can squeeze you in.
No problem.

- You sure?
- Yep, no problem whatsoever.

- Aight.
- All right, see you then.

Are you sure about this?

Nope, I'm not.

You know, my futon's still available.

We don't have to do the whole
drink wine and make love thing.

I deserve this, Martha.

And you gotta stop hitting on me.

Well, it was your wife's idea.

Well, let's find you a room, a lot
has changed since you lived here.

A lot.

Oh, this plant
is out of control, isn't it?

Here's your old room.
It's my personal gym now.

You probably don't want that.

No, this'll work.

Well, there's Dale's room, you know.

Well, there's cats in there, though.

You want to see my cats?

- Sure.
- Here they are.

That's Ronald Reagan. He's an angora.

And, uh, that's tip O'Neill.

Oh, there's a feral cat.
That's will Ferrell.

And then we've got the twins' room.

Oh, Martha, I've got to show
you the twins' room.

This is the new twins' room,

- Cody and Logan.
- Ah.

Trophy, trophy, trophies.

- Wow.
- Mostly in baseball,

but they're deejays now.

- Successful deejays.
- Oh.

Yeah, sometimes I come
in and lay on the bunk.

Just to remember them?

Yeah.

When they were kids,

they could jump from the floor
into the top bunk.

Always over-achievers.

Well, I've got plenty of choices.

Just made my weekly run to Costco.

Tropical mango, dragon fruit.

Strawberry mango fever?

That's brand new.

You know, I got plenty of choices, honey.

If you don't see what you like here,

I've got a whole garage full of stuff.

- Oh.
- I can't even park in there anymore.

It's crazy.

Which one do you want?

Actually, it's funny you mentioned Costco,

because, um...
Uh. I, um...

Wondered if I could
interest you in a, um...

Uh... uh.

Uh. Would you... have you... do you, um...

Honey, get to the point.

Can I just... May I just
use your restroom?

Sure! Think about wich
one you want to drink.

Okay, thanks.

Okay. You can do this.

All right? All right.

Now that you mentioned Costco,

what if I told you you could save, um...

No. Okay.

Hey, what if I... you had the kind
of membership that could take...

Martha!

- Yes?
- Oh, it's Mrs. Baskets.

- Christine.
- Hi, Mrs. Baskets.

- Oh, you know me?
- Yeah.

Martha, you were talking to yourself.
Are you okay?

- I'm fine, Mrs. Baskets.
- What is going on?

- Are you sure?
- What is going on?

Your girlfriend is having
a breakdown in there.

She... she's not my girlfriend.

Oh, now you're gonna turn on her

'cause she's having
a little psychotic breakdown?

- Martha!
- Yes?

I'm gonna break the door down.

- Mom, don't do this.
- One, two...

- Mother!
- Three. I'm coming in, Martha!

Oh. Oh, Martha.

- What? I'm fine.
- Oh, don't do that to me.

You're okay?

- I'm totally okay.
- Oh, thank god.

- Are you okay?
- Not really, Martha.

It triggered a whole thing.

You know, I've got history
with crazy people.

Oh, let's get out of here.
Turn the fan on.

- Oh. Chip!
- Mom.

Oh, my god, don't scare me like that.

Are you okay, Chip?

- Fine.
- Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- Okay, Chip.

Get me a glass of Kirkland
and a Klondike bar, kid.

- Okay.
- Will ya?

- Martha, shut the door.
- Oh. Whew.

Wait, why were you talking
to yourself in there?

I was just practicing my pitch

to sell Mrs. Baskets a Costco
executive membership.

Oh, honey, I've got
the executive membership.

I've got every membership
ever offered by Costco.

It was sweet of you, though.

Well, I'm sorry to have
bothered you, Mrs. Baskets.

I didn't mean to freak you out in there.

No bother.

I'm just under a lot
of stress at work right now,

'cause if I don't sell one of these
executive memberships,

I could lose my job.

And if that happens, it's gonna be
really, really hard on my boss.

Would you like a bite?

Well, maybe I can buy
an executive membership.

You don't have a membership?

- No.
- Oh, my god.

How can you afford that?

I'll figure it out, Martha,
I'll figure it out.

I'll pay for it.

I'll buy a membership for Chip.

Really?

We'll kill two birds with one stone.

You won't lose your job,

and Chip will learn
some responsibility about spending.

'Cause at Costco, you save money.

Wow. Thank you, Mrs. Baskets,

and thank you, Chip.
I really appreciate it.

Oh, don't... Don't mention it.

- No, really, it...
- It's not that big of a deal.

- I really appreciate it.
- Shut up, Martha.

Eddie! Where's, uh...

- Eddie, where's, um...
- Your freaky deaky protege friend

- with the snake paint face?
- Yeah.

Uh, he took your advice.

Oh, good, yeah. I was gonna
give him this, uh...

He got a job.

Wait, where?

And a number 2 for my man.

Thank you so much. Horsey sauce
right off to your side, man.

Hey, man!

Chip, look at me.

It's 'cause of you, man.

It's 'cause of you, come on.

Why?

That man right there is a great man.

He was my mentor.

Taught me everything I know.

Changes lives.

Mad clown love.

Well, welcome to Arby's.
What can I get you?

directed by
JONATHAN KRISEL

written by
REBECCA DRYSDALE

created by
LOUIS C.K. & ZACH GALIFIANAKIS & JONATHAN KRISEL

How do you think they make a curly fry?

Do they cut 'em curly or...

Um, I think they have, like,
a spiral knife maybe.

A spiral knife?

That's a fabulous idea! If you
ever see one, pick one up for me.

Okay.

There's nothing that would make me
happier than make my own Curly fries.

starring
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

MARTHA KELLY
LOUIE ANDERSON

Sabina Sciubba
Ernest Adams

Chris McLaughlin
Miles Anderson