Baskets (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Strays - full transcript

Tragedy strikes when one of Martha's best friends is murdered by another one of her friends. Chip comes to Martha's aid in the aftermath.

sync & corrections by
siamond1976
- opensubtitles.org

Here's your change. Thank you.

Next.

Yes. Can I get, uh...

Chip?

Can I get an Americano, please?

Americano?

It's a European thing... Americano.

Chip, can we talk?

Martha, you're embarrassing me

in front of the barista.



I'll just have a hotdog.

One hotdog.

- BASKETS -

So, Chip, we have a really important
thing we need to talk about.

First things first, okay? I'm no
longer Renoir, I'm Baskets clown.

Okay, when were you Renoir?

What do you mean, when was I Renoir?

I've always been Renoir. Now I'm Baskets.

- Okay.
- Another thing is that

I think I can, you know, work on my brand,

so I want to take an ad
out in the Yellow Pages,

but I want it to stand out.

That's why I want it to be
in the White Pages.

You're not going to write this down?



Sorry. Um...

Yellow page in the White Pages.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Okay. So, um, Chip,

we need to talk about a sensitive matter.

Martha,

if you start crying, I'm
going to walk out of here

and I'm going to take your car with me.

Okay, Chip, it's your scooter.

It can't be fixed.

What?

I'm sorry.

Have you tried to repair it?

Uh, yes and no, but, um,

the good news is, uh, it was insured,

and so it's not a lot,

but here's a check for $900.

That's not bad, Martha, $900.

I was thinking about firing you,

but now I'm not sure what to do.

Oh. I wasn't sure if I work for you

or if maybe we were just friends.

TBD, Martha.

This $900 could be really
good for you, Chip.

You could give your mom
some money for living with her.

Martha, if you're only going
to have boring suggestions,

I'd rather talk about something else.

Okay.

Um, I found this stray dog

in my yard this weekend.

I took him in, and I named him Boots.

Thank god. Saved by the bell.

Hello.

Hi, Martha. Is Chip with you?

Yeah. Hold on. It's your mom.

Chip?

Yes, mother?

Chip, are you going to be around at noon?

I'd like you to meet the neighbors.

Mom, the neighbors... I really...
I don't care.

Their son's going to be with them.

He's an astronaut.

He's in line to go to space

if NASA ever gets off their rear end.

Well, good for him. I'm in...

You know, I'm 20th in line

to get a corn dog tomorrow.

Hey, did you ever think of this?

First clown in space, Chip?

That's actually kind of interesting.

You in space juggling.

You wouldn't even have to juggle.

Oh! That would be funny too!

Oh... I miss the Regans,
they love to got to space.

We'd be on Mars right now,

living, if Ron and Nancy were still in.

- Chip?
- Mom, I'm busy, all right?

Well, I'm sorry you can't
meet the astronaut.

I think you would have really liked him.

Okay. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Just pull
into here, right up there.

Okay.

Hey, isn't this your wife's place?

Martha, jealousy does
not look good on you.

Nor does that dress.

Thanks for the check.

Here.

Can I help you?

Uh... Yes.

Penelope lives here, right?

Yeah. She's in the shower.

Okay. Can you tell her

that her husband is here?

Yeah, sure.

- Babe!
- Huh?

Your husband's here.

Tell him I'm naked. I can't come out.

She can't come out because she's naked.

Yeah, I've seen that before.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry. Who are you?

- I'm Ben.
- Ben.

- Want a nectarine?
- No, I'm good.

Can you just let her know

that I've recently come into money...
$900...

And I'd like to take her to dinner,

maybe get some appetizers, some champagne?

You know what, Ben? I can tell her.

No. I got it.

Okay. Thanks, Ben.

Hi, sweetie pie.

I'm sorry, man. She said no.

We're going to stay
in tonight and watch Jumanji.

Jumanji. I don't like that movie.

The animals don't talk.

It's going to be awesome.

I got her this new flat screen.

The old TV she had in here

was a real tub of shit, man.

Had to go HD.

That's a nice television.
What size is that?

32 inches.

Hi. I need a 33-inch TV, please.

Uh, next size up is 37.

Is it for specific space?

It's to impress a woman.

Not... not that woman. A woman.

- Chip.
- Yes.

These TVs are super expensive.

Maybe you should just put
your money in a savings account.

Would you hold on one second?

Or, like, buy a nice blender.

Smoothies are in right now.

Oh, what a great idea. Do
you sell 33-inch blenders?

No. Ha ha. We sell all the TVs.
Uh.. 3D TVs, smart TVs.

- How smart?
- They are very smart!

They got, uh, Nex... Nex...

Uh, Net... Net... Netflix and Crackle.

Crackle. Huh.

But if you want to really
impress someone with TV,

there is really just one option.

What's that?

4k. It has four times picture quality.

It makes hi def TV look like, uh...

Like it had shit for brains?

- Exactly.
- What movie is this?

This is demo disc.

But in two years, everything
will be in this format.

What size TV can I get for around $900?

32 inches.

Sold.

So is this what you call
an impulse purchase?

I think so.

Well, Boots is turning
out to be quite the handful,

although my fish Samantha likes him.

She's had kind of a spring
in her step since he showed up.

Are you talking to me?

Yeah. I was trying to tell you

about this stray dog I found.

It's been kind of an ordeal.

I thought you were on your cell phone.

You know,

I'm not trying to be mean.

I'm sure your wife has a lot
of really nice qualities,

but it kind of seems like

you're throwing good money after bad here.

What does that mean, Martha?

I don't know. They just...

They say it on CNBC

on the financial investment shows,

usually when someone's flushing
money down the toilet.

Martha, my wife is the best
thing that ever happened to me.

And I know it may not seem perfect
from your... fairytale world view.

With Samantha and Boots

and your magic stuffed donkeys, but...

I'll take happiness where I can get it.

Chip, look, I'm sorry. I...

Thanks. That'll do for today.

Are you sure? I could help
set up your wife's TV.

Don't forget about that, uh,
ad in the Yellow Pages.

All right. I'm on it.

Thank you, Yellow Pages.

Hey, Chips, look. I found
this in a drugstore.

You want it? You know, it's a bit ugly,

but maybe you'll like it.

It looks good with your beard.

Oh, I like that a lot.

- Huh?
- I do, yeah.

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, look at this.

Voila.

It's the same TV.

No, no. This is 4k.

- It has, like, uh...
- What it mean?

4k. It's like, uh, ram coaxial splits,

- and, uh, it's got...
- Much higher definition.

- Yeah, it's got...
- Dude, 4k.

Awesome. Good choice.

Thanks.

- So you're still here.
- Yep.

I'm in town until harvest.

Oh, you're a farmer.

- What do you farm, dirt?
- No, no.

We do almonds, apricots, beans, cabbage,

cantaloupe, carrots, citrus,
cotton, and plant seed...

- Gross.
- Grapes, hay, honeydew...

- Uh-huh.
- Lettuce, nectarines...

I got more nectarines.
You want a nectarine?

- I'm okay.
- Peaches, plums,

rose plants, and watermelon.

- Honest work.
- Oh, that sounds gross.

I really want to get you a nectarine.

No, I don't want a nectarine.

Nectarine are good for the hair.

Who gives a shit?

You want a hand with that TV?

No, I'll just, uh...

I'll just figure this out.

Okay. "Setup Wizard."

So we just, uh...

Are you sure? I'm really
good at setting these up.

These are wonderful TVs man.

No, I'm... I'm okay.

You stick to peanut farming.

Penelope, you going to want
any gaming at all?

So he was abandoned,
I think maybe mistreated.

He bit me last night, but it's not serious.

Well if it's too much
troubles, there is not shame

in taking it to a shelter.

Oh, my god.

Uh, I'm not taking him to a shelter.

Uh, I'm supposed to help
him turn his life around.

If I don't, he's probably going to end up

thinking all people are bad

and very likely could end
up eating somebody's baby.

Uh-huh.

And he would be right to do it

because people have
turned their back on him.

Okay, uh, ahem. There's a shelter

about ten minutes north of here on the 58.

Here's a pamphlet.

All right, well, thanks.

No.

Beautiful.

- Yeah.
- Amazing.

It's, uh, ultra HD.

It's so much better than your regular HD.

Oh, this is my favorite part right here.

Look at that.

Look at that bee.

That bee hit the sunflower like it...

You shouldn't have, Chips.

It's too much, you know?

I cannot even accept it.

Don't worry about it. It's fine.

It came from an insurance
check, so no big deal.

This is really dynamic stuff.

See, that's full HD on the left,

and then there's ultra
HD that's got 2160p.

We can watch Jumanji in 4k?

Uh, well, right now you can
only watch the demo disc in 4k

because the 4k technology's not
out for a couple of years.

Okay.

Hmm.

Well, it's getting late.

Uh, Ben, maybe you can
give me a ride home,

if you're heading out.

No, I think I'm staying here.

Ohh.

Okay. Just, uh...

Ciao, Chips. Thank you.

Hey, you want a nectarine for the road?

Hey, man, you slashing my tires?

I'm trying to. Either I got a bum nail,

or these are really upstanding radials.

You're just kind of a grumpy
little guy, aren't you?

At least I didn't try to steal my wife!

All right. You win.

Here.

Good night.

Oh, my god.

Boots, what did you do?

Oh, my god, what happened?

Oh, my lamp.

You know what? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I'm not mad. You don't need this.

Okay. Look, just come out, Boots.

I'm not mad. I promise.

If you come out, it's... it's totally...

Oh, my god. Samantha?

What...

Samantha?

Oh, god.

Hello.

Hi, Mrs. Lewis. What...

Your dog...

Ooh. Yeah, I can hear it.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, god. Okay. I'll be right home.

Thank you.

Uh, we got to make a quick
stop at my place.

Boots is barking up a storm.

My wife is cheating on me.

Uhh. That's a bummer. I'm sorry, Chip.

Sorry about your... your fish.

Thanks.

You know what? You can just
wait here for a minute.

This might be kind of tricky.

Okay.

Oh, my god, Boots?

- Boots, you have to stop barking,

and you have to stop doing this.

You're getting me in trouble.

Boots.

Oh, my god.

Uh, I'm sorry. I didn't
want you to see this.

I'm sorry about the mess.

What mental disease is this?

No, it's this dog.

He's just kind of a handful.

I think that he knows
he did something wrong,

and I'm kind of afraid to confront him

because we're both kind of upset.

Do you want me to try to go calm him down?

Uh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Just maybe... just, like,
protect your face.

Martha, that's a coyote.

- What?
- Yeah. It's a coyote.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Uch. Are you sure?

Yes!

I know coyotes when I see them.

You know he was in my yard,

and he looked lost.

Yeah, of course he's lost.

He's a wild animal. He was born lost.

So are mosquitoes.

You don't go around rescuing them.

God, Martha,

have you never seen National Geographic?

They profile every animal on the planet,

from aardvarks to zebroids.

What are you thinking?

God. Your house is a pigsty.

And you're roommates with a coyote.

It's a coyote sty.

God, get your life in order.

Hey,

I know what to do.

Okay.

Okay. Um, I'm going to stay in the car,

if you don't mind.

I hate goodbyes even more than hellos.

Yeah, sure.

Go.

Get out.

Skedoodle!

Get out! Hyah!

- Boots, I'm sorry.
- Go on, get.

You don't want to leave, do you?

You don't get it, do you?

You don't get it.

You're just an idiot coyote.

You want to stay? You want to...

Do you want to stay with Martha?

Come on. This is not supposed to be.

Coyotes and...

Insurance adjusters. It's not a good mix.

Never has been a good mix.

You're a coyote. This is a lady.

She's looking for a dog.

I'm a clown. I love a lady.

She's looking for a farm boy!

But you belong out there,

and I'm stuck in this world.

You go out there, and you chase vermin

and chase mice into the...
Into the dirt, into the sand

because that's where you belong.

Trust me, it feels good
to know where you belong

because if you don't
know where you belong,

then you're on the side of the road

having a conversation with a coyote!

Go. Go. Martha, go.

Well, you really have a way with animals.

You have a way with animals.

What does that mean?

Your way with animals

is not having a way with animals.

Mm-hmm. Well, look,

for real, though,

thank you for helping.

And...

If there's anything I can do to help you,

like, with your wife or...

You know, I could, um,

ambush that guy she's sleeping with,

get... get him out of the picture.

You know, so anything
that's kind of within the law

I'd be happy to do.

No, thanks. I got this.

Just work on that yellow
pages thing, okay?

Okay.

And now, before we start the rodeo,

please join us in the lord's prayer

brought to you by bank of America.

Bank of America: Too big to fail.

Our father, who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done on earth
as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread...

Um, I just came to tell you that, uh...

You don't have to worry about me anymore.

I'm going to leave you alone.

And I realize that you don't love me,

and you tried to tell me that,

and I guess I wish over time

that you could have learned to love me,

you know, like when you
hear those nice stories

about arranged marriages
or Stockholm syndrome.

- But...
- Oh, my god.

Blah. Blah, blah, blah.

Penelope, I...

I'm trying to make a farewell speech here.

Please don't make fun of me, okay?

This is me saying adieu,

so I do adieu you.

Okay? So bye.

Heh heh. Just get into the pool.

Get into the water. Have fun.

Can you stop swimming?
You're not listening to me.

Where's that nectarine guy?

Oh, he's gone. He was boring.

Anyway, jump in the water.
It's so beautiful.

Come on.

Whoo-hoo!

Good night, Chips.

directed by
JONATHAN KRISEL

written by
GRAHAM WAGNER

created by
LOUIS C.K. & ZACH GALIFIANAKIS & JONATHAN KRISEL

Oh, hey. I got you the ad
in the White Pages.

Thanks, Martha.

That's nice.

I see it. I see it. That's very nice.

starring
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

MARTHA KELLY
LOUIE ANDERSON

Sabina Sciubba
Shel Rasten

Vahe Bejan
Sally Ann Brooks

sync & corrections by
siamond1976
- opensubtitles.org