Baskets (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Renoir - full transcript

FRENCH CLOWN ACADEMY

207:Clown Theory

Are you okay?

Oh, there's a thing.

French horn?

You... want me to do something with the...

Handkerchief.

Um...

Huh? Le Ronald McDonald.

Huh? Ronald McDonald.

Monsieur.



Et? Jerry Lewis.

Monsieur.

Bye, Bouge. Are you gonna go to the...

Uh, listen, monsieur, I was hoping, like...

You could probably tell that
I'm struggling in your class

due to the fact that I
don't speak French at all,

um, and I was hoping that
maybe you could tutor me

clowning in English.

Because being a clown is the most
important thing in the world to me.

Hello?

Bye.

Hi. Um, I'll have the number 57, please.

Sir, that's the price.

Oh, price.



Oh, in that case, I'll have the number 4.

A carrot?

Yes, a carrot, please.

Penelope, I'm so elated that
you're here tonight with me.

Oh, you know, free food.

Darling, listen to me.

I'm flunking out of clown school.

Things aren't going the way I planned.

They don't... I don't know,

they don't... they don't
get me here, I guess,

and I... I think... Take a breath.

Sir, your carrot.

Thank you.

Penelope,

I have a question to ask you.

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no.

So embarrassing.

Will you marry me?

Are you thinking about it?

Darling, listen to me.

I've run out of money. I kind
of need to go home, but...

Where is home?

Bakersfield.

California, in the...
In the sunshine state.

Okay. I marry you.

Okay, look.

You must understand I don't love you.

I don't think you're very attractive.

But, uh, I want to go to America,

get green card,

but then when I maybe, uh, find a
different guy that's better looking,

I go with him and I leave you.

You're gonna love Bakersfield.

I'm sure I love it.

Bakersfield, California

Buckaroo Rodeo

Buckaroo Rodeo
Six Months Later

It says here that you studied clowning at

"dye clown France"?

- Yeah.
- "Academy de clown francez."

That's correct, at the
academie de clown in Francois.

So, um, Chip, Chip, uh, Baskets?

Oh, my god. What a name for a clown.

That's my real name. That's my, uh...

Nah, you're Baskets the clown now, belly.

I have another clown name and I prefer
to go by that, if you don't mind.

Okay. Well, what... What's your clown name?

My clown name is Renoir.

- What?
- Renoir.

Can't have no clown here named "rain-why."

You're Baskets. Baskets clown.

You know how many of you
clowns end up in a basket?

That's the most perfect
clown name I ever heard.

Great.

You're hired.

- I am?
- Sure.

Don't take nothin' to get hired around here

other than walk in that door right there,

tell me you're damn fool
enough to want the job.

Thank you very much.

I don't pay enough. They all quit.

- You'll quit, too.
- I'll take it.

Okay. Care for a cup of
coffee before you leave?

No, I'm okay.

Okay well, you're going out there.
Headbutt me some bulls.

That's what keeps them
stands filled to the rafters.

Ain't nothing like a clown
bein' hauled off unconscious.

That'll fill 'em up all weekend.

Hey, you! You Baskets?

Renoir.

Whatever, man. Get your shit, we got to go.

- Hey, what's goin' on?
- Listen, man.

You're gettin' killed out there.

You gotta step it up. What the hell
they teach you in France anyway?

I don't know. I don't speak French.

All right, man, don't
let 'em get a bead on it.

- Okay. Yeah.
- All right.

- Hey, Chip!
- Yeah.

Take this t-shirt gun
and make yourself useful.

Ow!

- Ow!
- Oh, god.

Go for Baskets.

Chip?

Hi, darling, how are you?

Don't call me that, okay?

Look, I need $40 for HBO. D'accord ?

Okay.

Did you get that job?

Yeah, I did.

Oh, really? And how much money there is?

Uh, $4 an hour. Four American.

That's shit pay, huh?

Why don't you work at the
roast beef sandwich shop?

Because the... the Arby's
doesn't hire clowns.

- You are not a "cloon."

You know that clowning is...
Just... just the usual, Gerry.

Okay, what were you saying?

- You are not a "cloon."
- Listen to me.

I am a clown. I've always been a clown.

And I always will be a clown!

I need... don't... don't
throw that out, please.

Put that back. Yeah. Thank you.

Okay? What you're saying is
hurt... no, not that one, either.

I had a cigarette back in there, yeah.

Don't throw the ciggys out. Thank you.

I need $40 for exclusive
all movie pass on HBO.

Yeah, HBO, $40. But I'm a clown. Okay?

Chip, you look like a "cloon,"
but you are not a "cloon."

I am a "cloon"!

Get out, bee!

Go around!

I have a bee! Go around!

Out, bee!

This is a really interesting motorcycle.

I'm not sure if we're gonna be able to

find replacement parts for it.

We may just have to get
you a refurbished scooter.

No, I... This is from France,

and they make scooters better,

so I... I want this one back.

All due respect to your scooter,

we actually make some pretty
good ones here in America.

What are you, Lee Greenwood?

Um, no, sir. My name's Martha Brooks.

I'm... I'm your insurance agent.

- Okay.
- Okay, take care.

I'll speak to you shortly.

- Okay.
- Mr. Baskets?

I actually could give
you a ride if you like.

You don't have $40, do you?

My niece and nephew together might have it.

How old are they?

Um, he's six and she just turned seven.

Irish twins.

Can you pull over? There's a
Que Rico over there. I'm parched.

Welcome to Que Rico. Can I take your order?

What do you want?

Uh, Tangerine Fanta, please.

Um, Tangerine Fanta, please.

Uh, we do not have that.

Um, they do not have that.

Tab is fine.

Uh, just a Tab then.

We don't have that.

- No.
- Pepsi Lime?

Pepsi Lime?

- We have Coke.
- They have Coke.

- New or classic?
- Is it new or classic?

Just Regular Coke.

Okay, Schwepps, then, Schwepps.

Okay, just a Schwepps, then.

- Did you say Schwepps?
- Schwepps?

Schwepps.

Yeah, Schwepps.

You're breaking up. Say it one more time.

Schwepps.

I'm sorry, I heard two people.

Okay, Schwepps.

Say that again.

Schwepps! It's a Schwepps!

Can I be over there, please?

You don't know what you're doing.

Welcome to Que Rico. Can I take your order?

You have any milk water, like a Yoo-hoo?

- We don't have that.
- Anything from the Slice family?

- Don't have it.
- Anything from the Welch's family?

No.

Do you have anything that has
any kind of Baja blast in it,

whether it be Mountain
Dew, Pepsi, anything?

- Again, no, sir.
- I'll just take a water, then.

Please pull forward to the next window.

Ooh. Oh, shit.

- So this is where you live?
- Yep.

It's only permanent.

Huh. Well, okay, I will, um,

let you know the progress on your scooter.

Okay, thanks.

- Thanks for everything.
- Sure.

You left all your stuff.

Right. Right.

Sorry. Knee jerk reaction.

I filled my S-1 when I pulled
into the gas station the other day.

$4.35 per gallon. Nice, guys.

He's gonna take me on a
date before he bent me over.

It's Martha.

Martha from where?

Um, Martha from insurance.

Hold on. Let me grab something.

- Ooh, sorry.
- Hi, Martha.

- Oh.
- Um...

You never seen a man in spanx before?

No, um, sorry I interrupted
your private time.

Um, I just... I just wanted to, uh,

give you a progress report on your scooter.

Oh. And what is that?

Um, no actual progress
yet. We're still waiting.

Okay, good. Great.

So I was thinking maybe
I could give you a ride.

So, where are we going?

We're going to my mom's to get that $40

since your nephew and
niece didn't come through.

Okay.

Isn't that great?

I'm borrowing $40 from my mom at my age.

I wouldn't worry about it.
That's what mothers are for.

Do you just sit around all day

thinking of nice things to say to people?

Not necessarily during the day,

but I do like to be nice to people.

You should try it.

I like how you...

Took a shower curtain
and made it into a dress.

Well, it's not a shower curtain,

- but thank you.
- It looks like a shower curtain.

I was just trying to be nice.

You seem like a nice girl, Martha.

Thank you, Mrs. Baskets.

Mm-hm. How long have
you been going with Chip?

- Mm-mm-mm-mm.
- Oh, we're...

- We're not...
- Mm-mm.

Oh. If anyone saw you on the street,

they would think you're a couple.

There's no sex vibe between us.

- No?
- No.

Did he tell you he's a clown?

No. What kind of clown are you?

Entertain... that does things in a more...

In a different take on clowning.

- Not even with Ringling Brothers.
- Wow.

Rodeo. Went to Europe to go to school.

- To be a clown.
- In France.

- Europe.
- Europe. It's in Europe.

No, I know, but some people don't know.

Oh. Hm.

Ooh.

That hit the spot.

- Anyway...
- Can I, um...

I just want Chip to be happy.

That's all I've ever wanted.

So he wanted to go to
clown college, I said okay.

Do you know how much
that school was in Paris?

I paid in Euros so I don't
know exactly how much it was,

but there were a lot
of Euros on that check.

He's always got to go to the bathroom.

Whenever there is anything,
he runs right in there.

I hope he doesn't take all
the toilet paper off the roll.

I hate when he does that.

But I have hundreds of
rolls of toilet paper

'cause I've been to Costco.

Here's Chip and his brother.

Oh, are they twins?

Yes, my first set of twins.

Wow, you had more than one set of twins?

- I did.
- Wow.

The other ones are right here.

And they are something.

He is a race car driver.
He climbs Mt. Everest.

They're gorgeous.

They've got so many girlfriends.

He's dating a model, I think.

He runs through 'em like, you
know, I run through cheese.

You have a photo album of your family?

- Uh, not on me.
- Mm-hm.

Well, who would carry it?

Although, you do seem a
little like a pack rat.

- Are you?
- A little.

I get that vibe from you.

Well, don't become a hoarder.

Once you do that, you'll be on that show.

And that's a picture of Ronald Reagan.

- Oh.
- Next to a picture of me.

Oh, that's a good picture.

And here are the twins
when they were ski racers.

Now, are the... Which twins are these?

The adopted. Chip and
Dale never raced at all.

They weren't fast.

- Oh.
- And then, uh...

I'm gonna go.

Thanks for the muffin and the hospitallity.

Thanks for wasting money
on me all these years.

I'm gonna take off. Martha. Come on.

- Well, you're gonna...
- Sorry, Mrs. Baskets.

Wait, uh, wait. Did we get the money?

We... no, I didn't get the money.

- Oh.
- I gotta go get it somewhere else.

Okay, where are we going?

My brother's.

Okay. Is that easier?

- It's harder.
- Oh.

Well, what does your brother do?

Hello, I'm Dale Baskets.

Dean of Baskets career college.

I look forward to meeting you,

and getting your career
off to a great start.

In this competitive job market,

BCC will give you the upper edge you need

to make it out there.

Sports management. Cell phone repair.

Learn how to become a legal guardian.

Ice cream truck repair.
Ice cream truck management.

Learn to make homemade condiments.

All kinds of chutneys. Gero... mm.

Learn how to personalize
your license plate.

I did.

I just graduated with a
degree in college management.

Not only am I the Dean, I'm also a student.

And I'm also the janitor.

BCC, the place to be for me.

And the place to be for you.

Open to minorities.

I thought I smelled a ponytail.

If it ain't my evil twin brother Chip.

- How you doin', Chip?
- Hey, Dale.

Did you like my commercial? Who's this?

Hi, I'm Martha.

Martha. Hey, Dale
Baskets. Nice to meet you.

Martha, Martha, Martha.
There we go. Got it memorized.

Oh.

Yeah, if you just say the name three times,

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Got it memorized.

Dale, Dale, Dale. I'm kiddin'.

I already know my name, of course.

What do you need?

Um, it's... I need to...

- He needs to borrow...
- I need to borrow some money.

- Please.
- Oh, what a surprise.

I'm being sarcastic. He's
always lookin' for money.

That's a cute top. Are you a real lesbian?

No. Thank you, though.

How much do you need?

4... $40.

What's it for, more clown make up?

He thinks he's tryin' to be a clown.

I am a clown.

Well, if you're a clown,
where's your red nose?

Not all clowns need noses.

$40, here you go.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome so much.

So nice to meet you.

I like that dress, where did you get that?

- Well, I got it from a...
- Thank you for stoppin' by, guys.

So this is your wife's place?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You can just leave me here, Martha.

I'll, uh, catch you later.

Okay.

Are you still in love with her?

Well, uh, she's not in love with me.

That's, uh, the important thing.

Well, I've been there, Chip.

Actually, um, I was in love
with this guy who didn't...

He didn't feel the same, um...

Okay. Well, be in touch about your scooter.

Have your 40... I have
your $40 for the HB...

I have your $40 for the HBO.

Okay.

Bye.

Wait. Penelope. Wait, wait, wait.

Thanks for waiting.

Listen. Can you hear me?

- What?
- I was wondering...

If I... if I quit clowning and I get a job
at Arby's or something like that, see you.

Would you get back together with me?

See you!

Being a clown is the most important thing

in the world to me.

You look like a "cloon,"

but you are not a "cloon."

I am a "cloon"!

Le Ronald McDonald. Ah!

There were a lot of Euros on that check.

Oh, what a surprise.

Ladies and gentlemen, now
to sing the National Anthem

from the O.J. trial, Kato Kaelin.

# Oh, say can you see #

# by the dawn's early light #

- Hey, Marcus.
- What... what do you need?

Can you, uh, put this on for me, please?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell is that?

It's a... I don't know what they call it,

but this is my swan song.

Get it out of here, okay?

No, no. I need you to put this
through the PA system, please.

No, no, no, no.

Shh, shh, I like this part.

# And the rocket's red glare #

# the bombs bursting... #

Okay, so listen, just feed
this through the PA system...

Listen to me. No clown
gets his own music, okay?

Please do this for me once.

I can't put it on.

I'm going through a lot
in my life right now,

and I need to bury a flower, please!

Before I bloom again.

Just put a spot light on me and just...

- You'll never see me again.
- All right.

- Okay, this is my last...
- Shh!

- Clowning.
- All right.

Fine.

# And the home of the... #

- How's your wife, good?
- Yeah, fine.

# Brave #

You suck!

Get off the stage!

Baskets! Baskets! Baskets! Baskets!

That was some weird ass shit

you did out there, Renoir, I love it.

Thanks, lucky.

All right. I'll be seein' you around.

Take care of yourself.

Oh, yeah, Ed. I quit, man.

Okay.

Well, I lost another clown.

I told you they all quit.

Since you stuck it out there so long,

I guess you're head clown then now.

Don't mean a whole lot.

Couple of more bucks an hour.

See you Saturday.

Yeah, thanks, Eddie.

One other thing.

I don't care so much for all that...

Fi-la-di-da fancy France shit

you did out there tonight.

Just keep the bull hittin' you,

and we'll do good.

All right, Eddie.

See you later, Renoir.

It's Baskets.

Baskets the clown.

- Hey.
- Wow, Martha.

Impressive.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You know, I meant to tell you the other day

I lost my virginity at this motel.

- What room?
- 13.

Okay, good.

I guess that's all our business together.

Unless, if you wanted, I could, like,

keep taking you places.

No, thank you.

But, uh... But thank you.

And thank you, but no, thank you.

- Thanks.
- Okay.

Thanks, Marcia.

Okay, well, bye.

Yeah, I guess, uh, come by
here and pick me up tomorrow

- around 8 A.M.
- Okay.

And you can, uh, Polish my
roller blades tomorrow, too.

directed by
JONATHAN KRISEL

written by
LOUIS C.K. & ZACH GALIFIANAKIS & JONATHAN KRISEL

Here's one more picture
I wanted you to see.

This one. Ha, ha! Look at...

- That is, uh...
- Chip, playing in a box.

He's in a box. He thought it was a toy.

No!

You don't... I should have
know he was going to be a clown!

Look at him!

He's an animal! You know with a box...

He was just like that, a little animal.

- That's cute... How old is he there?
- Who knows!

starring
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

MARTHA KELLY
LOUIE ANDERSON

Sabina Sciubba
Ernest Adams

Chris McLaughlin
Miles Anderson