Based on a True Story (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - I Love You, Buzzfeed - full transcript
A charity auction for teen runaways goes horribly awry.
- Babe, we did it!
Oh, my God, okay.
Here's another one. You ready?
- Yeah.
- "VICE Magazine,"
"'Based on a True Story, '
"real or hoax?
The podcast that's
gripped the nation."
- Holy shit.
- Keep going.
- Yep, we got one
from BuzzFeed: "Top ten
moments you can't miss
from 'Based on a True Story.'"
- Love you, BuzzFeed.
- Another amazing one.
"New York Times Magazine,"
"Bill Kristol and
Noam Chomsky debate,
'What does "Based on a True
Story" say about America?'"
- It says, the best...
country ever!
- Oh, my God.
Charli D'Amelio tweeted
"My new favorite obsession!
#basedonatruestory!"
- Who's Charli D'Amelio?
- I loved her
from "Dancing with the
Stars." She won last year...
- Okay.
- But she also has, like,
150 million followers on TikTok,
so we are fucking viral,
babe!
- Uh-oh, look
who's callin' here.
Okay. Hey, you see
the Daily Beast?
Who is the voice
of "Based on a True Story"?
- Can you believe that?
- Man, we are everywhere.
- Right?
How far away are you?
- I'm just on Sunset.
I'll see you soon.
- Why did she invite him?
- I don't know.
It's like, if I know someone,
she has to know them too.
My friend has to be her friend.
If I have a plumber, she has
to have the same plumber.
It's like, fuck off.
- Yeah.
This is gonna be a
fucking great party.
- All right.
- Hi, guys.
- Wow.
- Welcome. Hi.
- Beautiful in here.
- Oh, thank you.
You look amazing. You're huge.
- Thank you.
Uh...
- Hi.
- Hi, girls.
- So good to see you.
- You guys look gorgeous.
- This dress...
- Cut two dresses...
- Stop.
- And put it together.
- No, you did not.
- Hi!
- Tory!
- Hi, sis.
- Hello.
- Little kid.
- You need a sweater.
- Oh, hi.
- No, let it all out.
- How was school?
- I just graduated.
- You look smarter.
- Looking for a place to stay,
you know, before baby
comes and kicks me out.
- Oh, my God, no one
is kicking you out.
Is there food yet?
- Yeah, inside.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Who's your date?
- Tinder guy.
- Uh, no, actually,
Bumble guy. Jacob.
- Another fuckfest.
- Oh, no, it's,
like, a little early.
- Is it?
- Alcohol?
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes, yes.
- I see this.
- Bye.
- Holding hands.
- Intimate.
- I used to hate these things.
I always got outbid.
Not anymore, babe.
- Not anymore.
- Look at this watch.
- Ten-day vacation...
Four Seasons in Maui.
Ooh, I like that one.
- What else we got here?
- A little wine tasting
at home? That
would be nice too.
- A brick.
- What is that?
- "A single brick salvaged
from the last Manhattan
residence of Edgar Allan Poe"?
- A creepy brick owned
by a horror writer?
I have to have that.
- Early anniversary present?
- That is so mine.
- It's gonna be yours, baby.
- It also works as a weapon.
- Hey, it's my two
favorite people.
- Hey, Matt.
- Hey.
- Hey, Michelle.
- Hey.
- I didn't know you were coming.
- Well, surprise.
- Yay.
- Yeah.
- Great. Yeah.
And it's great that you
guys... Um, how are you?
- You know what?
We are awesome.
- Yeah, and we have Nathan to
thank because he set us up.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I... no, I didn't.
I... I definitely
didn't set you up.
- No, no, you did.
You did, remember?
I... I said he was hot,
and then you said
he was good people.
- Buddy, thanks.
I owe you.
- I didn't...
- Good people?
- Oop, excuse me.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God, these
canapes are amazing.
- Ugh, I know. I've
had, like, 17 of them.
- Uh...
Uh... Carlos is here.
- Mm, mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- You invited Carlos?
- Yes. I want all
my friends here.
- Oh, my God. You
invite him to, like,
socialize too?
- Well, this is the first one,
but Simon doesn't care.
- Hey.
- See?
All good.
- You guys are so fucking weird.
Hey, guys.
Bring it in.
Look at these new numbers.
15 million downloads.
- That's a lot of fuckin' money.
- Yeah, that's a lot of money.
- Like, a million dollars.
- Can you believe that?
Can you believe that?
- Yeah, but you know what
the next question is?
How do we make it bigger?
- Okay, let's just
enjoy this moment.
- We gotta push it. Look.
I went on a bit of a
deep dive on Reddit.
Okay, 24% of our fans,
they want me to keep talking
about my greatest hits
over and over like I'm
Billy fucking Joel,
but 76%, guess what they want?
- Don't say it.
- Fresh new content,
motherfuckers. Both: No.
- No.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- We're not talking
about that anymore.
- They said it.
- Faking it worked
pretty good in Vegas.
- The fake was
great. It was great.
It was a one-time thing.
- How 'bout a two-time thing?
- It was great.
- Why?
- No, we've gotten listen
to our 15-million fanbase,
and we gotta keep
it real for them.
- Okay, listen to this.
Spotify is talking about a
$20-million deal with us.
- Yeah.
- So how 'bout that's keeping
shit real, bro?
- That's keeping it real real,
so just keep your shit together,
don't fuck it up,
and just keep cool.
Offer's comin' in any minute.
We're all gonna be rich.
- Okay. Great.
- Got it?
- I got it, yeah.
- Don't fuck this up.
- Okay, don't fuck it up.
- Yeah?
- Okay, ready? Oh, good catch.
Good boy. Come
here. Come here.
Come here, boy,
you handsome boy.
Ooh.
Oh, good catch.
Oh, Duke is such a handsome boy.
Come here.
- Hey.
Do you wanna try
this edible flower?
- Do you think we
could get the dog back?
- Uh, sorry, what?
Are you kidding?
- I just... I...
- I'm really feeling like
he wants to come home.
- Okay, babe. We
gave them the dog.
You can't ask for
something like that back.
That's insane.
- We gave him the dog
because our yard was too small.
- Yes.
- But that's about
to fucking change.
We're gonna have a huge yard.
He should come home.
I mean, look... Look
at the way he's...
He throws the ball
like such a pussy.
He's like...
- Anybody see that?
- It is kind of a lame throw.
- Right? Just like...
- Yeah, but that doesn't mean
you can steal the dog back.
- Good catch, Duke!
- His name is McEnroe.
It's not Duke, and he knows it.
- You gotta let it go, okay?
We can't ask for the dog back.
- Okay, fine.
We'll buy him back.
- You know how
much Simon loves this dog?
He does. He's obsessed.
- He sleeps in the
guesthouse with him.
- Do you think I give a shit?
Hey, pal.
It's us. He's look...
he's looking at...
- Babe, he's not looking at us.
- He's looking at us.
- No, he's not. You
can't take something
like that away.
- Hey.
- That's... that's nuts.
- Yeah, um, can I...
Can I grab you for
a second? I just...
- Yeah.
- I need a hand.
- Yes. Please don't
steal the dog, okay?
- Come here, Duke.
Come to me. Come to me.
Oh, come here. Good catch.
Good boy. Come
here. Come here.
Okay, Duke.
Go get it.
Oh, good catch. You're
such a handsome boy.
Bring it back. Bring it back.
- Just love this room!
It's so beautiful. Where
are the party favors?
You hiding them up here?
- Ava...
- Also, you have no pictures.
It's really weird.
- Hey, are you okay?
- What?
What... what is that?
- I don't know. You tell me.
I saw it fall out of
your pocket at CrimeCon.
- I've... I've never seen
that before in my life.
- You've never seen this
before in your life?
- No.
- Ever?
- No.
- Okay.
"WTF? You killed Dahlia?
"You made a podcast without us?
Meet us outside in
the corridor now."
You're "Based on a True
Story," aren't you?
- The...
"Based on a"... The...
the... the podcast?
- Ava, I-I just...
I wanna help you.
Are you in danger?
- No.
- Because I... I
called the number
on this phone,
and Matt answered.
- I don't... no. What?
- He's the Westside
fucking Ripper, isn't he?
What is going on?
- Okay...
- Why... why are you doing this?
Is... is he threatening you...
- It's not what you think.
- Or Nathan?
- Oh, my God, no.
It's not... It's not
like that at all.
- No? Then what is it?
Because it says right here
that he killed
that girl in Vegas.
- Okay, is that why you
invited Matt tonight?
So you could ask me about this?
- I mean, I invited
him to find out
if he's the guy so I...
So I could help you,
but if you don't want my help,
I'll just go to the cops with...
- No, no, no. No, no,
no. No, no, no, no, no.
There's no... we don't need
to... Let's just all calm down.
No cops. You don't
need to call anybody.
Oh, fuck. Okay. I'm
gonna tell you the truth.
Okay?
- Okay.
- Nathan and I are broke.
We... we were gonna
lose the house.
- What?
- I know, and Matt was over,
and we started talking,
and it turns out
he's a... he's this, like,
crime fanatic junkie like us.
So the three of us decided
to make a fake podcast
where Matt pretends to
be the Westside Ripper.
- So Matt is pretending
to be a serial killer?
- I know. When you
say it like that,
it sounds really bad, but...
It-it's so bad
and... And fucked up.
I know it sounds like that,
but we were desperate,
desperate, completely
desperate, and...
And then Matt, like, he
got, like, really into it,
and he pretended he was the guy
that pushed that
girl off the roof.
And people got obsessed.
They couldn't get enough of it.
- So you're saying that
all of this is... is fake
and that guy's just a plumber?
- Yes!
- Because this looks
pretty fucking real to me.
- Well, good.
We... We got you.
That's good.
That...
Come on.
Do you think that I
would be in business
with a real serial killer?
I mean, you sound insane.
That would be the biggest
fucking stupidest thing
I could do, right?
Right?
- Yeah.
- Right.
Please don't tell anybody.
Truly, like, I... I
literally dragged Nathan
into this shit show.
There's a baby coming.
Our lives could be over.
Please.
- Okay.
Okay. Yeah, no,
no, no. I... I...
I won't say a word.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Wow.
I got to admit, this is...
This is kind of genius.
"Based on a True Story"
is based on a fake story.
- I know.
- I-I wish I'd thought of it.
- Yeah. Well, yeah.
Well, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
- I got your back.
- Thank you. Okay. Okay.
- Let's go back outside.
- Duke, Duke. Duke.
Duke.
- McEnroe. See?
He likes McEnroe. McEnroe.
McEnroe, right there.
Good boy.
Yes! Come on, buddy.
- Come here. Come here.
- Come on, buddy.
- Come to me, Duke.
Come to me, Duke.
Good boy.
Ready? Go.
- Okay.
I... I got it.
Okay, here we go.
Go get it.
- Here boy. Come on.
Here, boy. Come on.
- Duke.
- Hey, hey.
- Come on.
Bring it to me. Bring
it to me, to me.
Me, me.
- McEnroe, look at me.
Come here, pal. Come here, pal.
Look at me. Come here.
Bring it to me. To me.
- Duke. Duke!
- Come to
me, Duke. Come to me.
Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
Yay... oh!
Aah!
Help! Help!
- I'm gonna getcha outta here.
- McEnroe.
- Duke.
- McEnroe.
- Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
- Bring it to me.
- Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
Duke!
- Look at me.
- Come to me. Come to me.
- McEnroe.
- Come to me. Yeah, yeah.
Oh! Oh, don't...
- Good boy.
- Hey.
Hi. Hi.
- You good?
- Um, yes.
Yes, I'm good.
- Everybody, please
take a seat inside.
Dinner first, and
then the auction.
- Yeah, he likes me so
much better than Simon.
- I know.
- Let's get that fuckin' brick.
- Hey, did you call me before?
- Uh, it was a butt-dial, sorry.
- Really?
- Yep.
Where's the trust, partner?
- The same caterer
did my... Our wedding.
- I didn't know that.
- Uh-huh.
That's right.
- Yeah.
- Hm?
- Absolutely.
- It's great.
- Okay.
- I wish he would take
an interest in my...
- I mean...
- You tried your cake?
- No.
- Goodness.
Thank you.
- Nice to see you.
- So are you a part
of the crew now?
- Hey, did you crush
those midterms?
- Yeah, I'm going to
UCLA Law in the fall.
- Oh, my God. Congrats.
- Yeah, thanks.
- So we're gonna see
a lot more of you.
- Yeah, a whole lot more.
- Awesome.
- "Crushed those midterms"?
- So a sign of the times,
I tried to put an ad
on that hot true crime podcast,
"Based on a True Story."
- Hot.
- Brilliant.
- Such a hot show.
- Is that not a genius idea?
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Amazing.
- Brilliant.
- Yeah.
- I love that.
- Oh, my gosh, it gets me hot.
- So brilliant.
- It's so good.
- I think it's fake.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, like, the, um...
The Orson Welles thing?
- Uh, "War of the Worlds"?
- It could be just
street theater.
- Absolutely not.
Are you kidding me?
You heard this guy's voice?
That's a stabby voice.
- What?
- I buy it 100%.
That guy is the killer.
- Mm.
- You should just ask them.
- There's no chance.
- Yeah.
- You never talk to anybody.
- Oh.
- No, you...
You email a shell corporation.
You pay them in crypto.
Nobody knows where they
are or who they are.
- Wow.
- I wouldn't pay them a cent.
Paul, the guy is killing people.
- Okay, Richard.
Last time I checked, there is
still free speech in America.
- Okay, even if
that speech is about
how you just killed someone?
- Yeah, especially then.
You... you wanna outlaw
offensive speech?
Who decides what
goes on the list?
Me? You?
- I listen to it, and I think
it's totally fucking disgusting.
I think that you're right.
I think that it's all true.
I think he's a serial killer.
And I think the people
that are helping him
are far worse than he is.
- Oh. What people?
- Preach, sister.
- There's an interviewer.
- Hm?
- Don't say that.
- Right? I mean, somebody...
- No, that's not your word.
- Has to be helping him.
The Westside Ripper has
some kind of brain defect,
but these parasites are
making money off of him.
They should go to prison
longer than he does.
- That's a very good point.
No, they really should.
Think about it.
- Mm.
- I don't know. I...
There's nothing wrong
with makin' money.
I love money. You love money.
You love money.
Money's great.
Puts food on the table,
puts our kids through school.
Carlos loves money. Right?
- What?
- Can't open your
gym on the East Coast
without money, right?
- Uh, it certainly
would help, yeah.
- Mm, guys, I think it's time
to start bidding on
the items, right?
- I just wanna say I love
Carlos' business plan.
- Oh, my God.
- And I...
I want to invest in it.
- Wait, you... you want
to invest in my gym?
- Yeah, I want to finance
the whole thing by myself.
- Well, that's...
Wait, are you serious?
- 100%.
- Great.
- Yeah?
- When do we start?
- Now.
- What?
- Now.
Like, right now.
Immediately.
- Immediately?
- He's joking.
He's just...
- Go pack a bag,
go to LAX,
get on the red-eye, go
to New York, get to work.
It's gonna take a
couple of years.
I'm gonna need you
there the whole time
overseeing
construction, the plans,
and you're not gonna be
able to come back here ever.
- Why you doing this?
Hm?
- Hm?
- Why are you doing
this right now?
Is it 'cause I invited him?
- What?
I believe in Carlos.
I like Carlos' business plan.
Unless there's something
that Carlos loves
more than money here in LA.
Then he should stay.
Okay.
I just transferred you $250,000.
- What?
- When I get my investment back,
we'll go 50/50.
If it works out, I'll
finance a national rollout,
but you gotta go right now.
- You
don't have to go.
Babe, please, stay for me.
- You gotta go, Carlos.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh.
- Are you fucking insane?
Why would you do that?
Why the fuck do you even care?
- God.
- Hey, buddy.
You got some
interesting friends.
- Okay, let's help
some teen runaways!
- Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that happened.
You okay?
I know you really loved Carlos.
- Oh, fuck Carlos.
I never
loved Carlos,
but fuck him for leaving.
- Well, I mean, we all know
you're gonna be just fine.
- Will I?
- Yes.
- 'Cause I feel like I'm
pretty fucked right now.
Ava, look at my life right now.
Take a good look.
You gotta let me
in on the podcast.
Okay? It's... it's
literally all that I got.
- Okay, uh, maybe we should
talk about this another time.
- No, no, no, 'cause...
'cause I can help you.
You know, you... you know
I'm great with marketing.
Right? And branding,
and I know this world.
And we're the "Wine &
Crime" girls, right?
- Yeah, I can't do this.
- Oh, well, I...
Because do you
remember that guy...
That guy that I had a thing
with in Cabo last year?
'Cause he's huge at Wondery,
and... and he's married,
so he definitely
owes me a solid.
I can get him to make
us a preemptive offer,
you know, probably a
really, really big one.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes.
- So some guy is gonna make
us a multimillion-dollar offer
because he went
down on you in Cabo?
- Yeah, that is how
the world works.
How do you not know that?
- Okay, just trust me.
You shouldn't get involved
in this 'cause it's a mess.
- Okay, hold on.
Don't come at me like
you're my friend now.
- What?
- No, I know exactly
what's going on.
I mean, I know
Matt's the killer.
- I have no fucking idea
what you're talking about.
- Okay.
So if I took Matt's wine glass
and took it down to
the police station,
you're telling me that his
DNA wouldn't be an exact match
to the Westside Ripper?
- If you tell a single
person about this,
I will fucking end you.
- But I already told Simon.
- What?
- Yeah.
I told him.
- You told...
You told Simon?
Are you insane?
Why would you do that?
- Because he's a lawyer,
and he will protect me!
- Oh, my God. He's
not gonna protect you.
He fucking hates you. He
hates everything about you!
- Oh, sweetie.
That's just married talk.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. I can't believe
you would be stupid enough
to fucking tell Simon!
- Oh, I absolutely
am that stupid.
And why not?
I mean, it's worked pretty
well for me so far, right?
Tell me something.
Who's the one
living in a mansion
in the Palisades,
and who can't afford their
mortgage in Mar Vista?
- Okay, you listen to me,
you with your little
400 calories a day,
your cool sculpt, and
your amazing blowjobs
you can't stop bragging about...
- They are amazing.
- Well,
not amazing enough to
keep Carlos around.
So if you wanna go steal
the Westside
Ripper's wine glass,
good fucking luck.
- Fuck you.
Fuck you, 'cause
Nathan will bring me in
'cause he is nothing like you!
He will cut me in!
And my blowjobs are
the fucking best!
Everyone in LA knows it...
and Dubai.
- 900, $900. Ladies
and gentlemen,
it would be a dream
within a dream
if we got to $1,000.
Do I hear 1, $1,000
for the Edgar Allan Poe brick.
How 'bout a 1,200?
Who'll do a 1,200?
There's a fan of blood
and murder for 1,200.
- Hey, can I talk
to you for a second?
- Hold on, these fuckers are
trying to steal your brick.
- $1,300.
- Okay, but...
I need you
for one second.
- We're gonna lose the brick.
- I don't care.
Just come on.
So here's the
thing... Don't panic
when I tell you this...
But I lost the burner.
- What?
- I got it back,
but I dropped it in Vegas,
and then Ruby, she found it,
and now she's blackmailing...
- Oh, my fucking God.
- Us and wants in on everything.
- Ruby?
- Yes.
- How did you not
know you dropped it?
- It was an accident! Okay?
We had been using yours.
I barely use mine.
I thought it was
in my bag, but it fell out.
I know I fucked up, but
she knows everything.
She knows that Matt is
the Westside Ripper,
and she told me
that she told Simon.
- She told Simon?
- Well, she might be bluffing.
I don't fuckin' know, but...
- This is fine. It's fine.
We're
gonna figure this out.
But this place is toxic.
Okay? I'm telling you,
it's fucking toxic.
They're nuts. I'm taking
McEnroe outta here.
- Babe, who fucking cares
about the dog right now?
Just forget the fuckin' dog.
We
have bigger problems.
What? What?
- Oh, shit.
Alba, she just came
out against us.
- No, not Alba.
- Jessica Alba just tweeted,
"If #BasedOnATrueStory
is true, it's sickening.
"If it's fake, it
might be even worse.
"America, we're
better than this.
#CancelBasedOnATrueStory."
- Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.
Okay, oh, fuck, fuck,
fuck. Oh, my God.
Okay, maybe it's
not gonna track.
Maybe no one's
gonna pick this up.
- Oh, shit. Malia Obama
just retweeted it.
- Oh, my God, so did Tom Hanks.
- Kylie Jenner.
- Oh, my God.
So did Dame Judi Dench.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, babe.
- Oh, my God.
- I know you love her.
- Are you seeing this shit?
- Yes.
- We're gonna get canceled?
Alba fucked us.
- Okay, is there anyone
that's for us?
- For us? Um...
- Who is? Look.
- Kanye?
- Okay, Kanye?
- Ugh, that's not good.
- The dude from NXIVM.
- Josh Duggar?
- Jared from Subway.
- That's not good.
- That's bad.
- No.
- This is fuckin' awful.
- There goes iTunes.
- We lost iTunes?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
You and me, we're
gettin' outta here.
We're takin' the dog. We'll
call you from the road.
- You're taking the fucking dog?
Our brand is under attack.
We gotta act now.
Here's our play, okay?
The snowflakes can suck it.
We're gonna double down
just like our fans want.
I'm gonna go out tonight...
- No.
- And I will...
- We are not doing that, okay?
We have to do something,
but we are not doing that.
You guys, if we
don't do something,
we are gonna lose
the Spotify deal.
Do you understand?
So what do we do?
- Wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
Wait a minute. Doesn't...
doesn't Ruby know Alba?
- Yes. You know what?
She was her body double
in "Spy Kids 4."
- Remember, she had the
wig and the costume on
one night after shooting?
- She loves to
hold that over me.
- She went down on Kid Rock.
Someone took a photo.
- Yeah.
- Why don't we get
Ruby to tell Alba
that we'll release
the fuckin' photo
unless she pulls the post?
- Why would Alba care?
It's not her in the picture.
- It doesn't matter.
It looks like her.
- No, the tweet's out
there. It's taken flight.
- You go talk to Ruby.
I'll find out what Simon knows.
- Ruby's not gonna do
shit for us right now.
Trust me.
- It's all we fuckin' got,
guys. Let's go. Go.
Big man, everyone!
Big fuckin' man.
What kind of control freak
buys his wife's boyfriend, huh?
- You're the one who
invited him, honey,
in front of all of our friends.
- Yeah, you know
why? You know why?
'Cause you can't get it up
unless you call me "Mommy."
Do you guys know that?
What's up with that?
You miss sucking on
Mommy's titties, huh?
- Yes! Yes, I do!
You know what? I actually like
sucking Mom's tits
better than yours!
- Guys, that's not great
for the dog.
- Or anyone.
- Even if I stitched Michael
Fassbender's foreskin
onto Orlando Bloom's
dick...
And Frankensteined
the perfect penis,
I still couldn't
get it up for you!
- Are you gonna
finally stroke out
and leave me with all
your daddy's money, huh?
- Come on. Come on,
McEnroe. Come on.
Okay, stay here, and stay quiet.
I'm gonna get you
outta here tonight.
Okay? Yeah.
- You think that hurt me?
You think sending
him away hurt me?
- Okay!
- You can't fucking hurt me.
- What do you want?
You want the spa day
at the Peninsula, honey, huh?
Do you want the deep tissue?
Do you want me to
buy that for you?
- You're gonna continue
to buy my love!
You're a fucking monster,
and you've never loved anything
in your entire life
except that dog!
That's it! How pathetic
is that, everyone?
- So now it's the dog's fault?
- Oh, sure!
Yeah, it's the dog's
fault!
Sure, it's the
fucking dog's fault!
- You want me to
shut the dog up?
- Yeah, go shut
the fucking dog up!
- Okay. I'll shut
the fucking dog up!
- Do you need Mommy's help?
You think you can handle that?
You got that, hon?
Goddamn it!
- Hey, I know this
is a terrible time.
I'm so sorry, but,
um, you're friends
with Jessica Alba, right?
- Yeah.
- You are?
- Yeah, she's really
sweet, actually.
- Um...
- Fuck off and die!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
- No.
- What's he doing?
- Someone...
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Uh...
- No, you should stay here.
- Wait...
- He's got a gun.
- He's got a gun.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Watch out. Watch out!
- Oh, my God.
- What did you do?
- I shut the dog up.
- Oh, no.
- I shut it up.
- Oh, my God.
- Simon, please put that down.
What the fuck did you...
- I shut the fucking dog up
is what I did.
- Okay, easy, please.
Please, please.
No, no, no.
- I'm gonna come
around you, okay?
Hey. Just focus on me.
All right?
That's good. That's good.
Man,
you must be in shock.
You're not a bad person.
We all have anger in us.
I know. It's okay.
It's okay. It's all right.
It's good. Yeah,
yeah. That's good.
You don't wanna do this.
Yeah. That's good.
- McEnroe!
- Okay, Tory.
- You all right?
- I got you.
- I got you.
- He just lost his mind?
- Oh, no!
- I'm so sorry.
- Nice shot, Dad.
Oh, my God, okay.
Here's another one. You ready?
- Yeah.
- "VICE Magazine,"
"'Based on a True Story, '
"real or hoax?
The podcast that's
gripped the nation."
- Holy shit.
- Keep going.
- Yep, we got one
from BuzzFeed: "Top ten
moments you can't miss
from 'Based on a True Story.'"
- Love you, BuzzFeed.
- Another amazing one.
"New York Times Magazine,"
"Bill Kristol and
Noam Chomsky debate,
'What does "Based on a True
Story" say about America?'"
- It says, the best...
country ever!
- Oh, my God.
Charli D'Amelio tweeted
"My new favorite obsession!
#basedonatruestory!"
- Who's Charli D'Amelio?
- I loved her
from "Dancing with the
Stars." She won last year...
- Okay.
- But she also has, like,
150 million followers on TikTok,
so we are fucking viral,
babe!
- Uh-oh, look
who's callin' here.
Okay. Hey, you see
the Daily Beast?
Who is the voice
of "Based on a True Story"?
- Can you believe that?
- Man, we are everywhere.
- Right?
How far away are you?
- I'm just on Sunset.
I'll see you soon.
- Why did she invite him?
- I don't know.
It's like, if I know someone,
she has to know them too.
My friend has to be her friend.
If I have a plumber, she has
to have the same plumber.
It's like, fuck off.
- Yeah.
This is gonna be a
fucking great party.
- All right.
- Hi, guys.
- Wow.
- Welcome. Hi.
- Beautiful in here.
- Oh, thank you.
You look amazing. You're huge.
- Thank you.
Uh...
- Hi.
- Hi, girls.
- So good to see you.
- You guys look gorgeous.
- This dress...
- Cut two dresses...
- Stop.
- And put it together.
- No, you did not.
- Hi!
- Tory!
- Hi, sis.
- Hello.
- Little kid.
- You need a sweater.
- Oh, hi.
- No, let it all out.
- How was school?
- I just graduated.
- You look smarter.
- Looking for a place to stay,
you know, before baby
comes and kicks me out.
- Oh, my God, no one
is kicking you out.
Is there food yet?
- Yeah, inside.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Who's your date?
- Tinder guy.
- Uh, no, actually,
Bumble guy. Jacob.
- Another fuckfest.
- Oh, no, it's,
like, a little early.
- Is it?
- Alcohol?
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes, yes.
- I see this.
- Bye.
- Holding hands.
- Intimate.
- I used to hate these things.
I always got outbid.
Not anymore, babe.
- Not anymore.
- Look at this watch.
- Ten-day vacation...
Four Seasons in Maui.
Ooh, I like that one.
- What else we got here?
- A little wine tasting
at home? That
would be nice too.
- A brick.
- What is that?
- "A single brick salvaged
from the last Manhattan
residence of Edgar Allan Poe"?
- A creepy brick owned
by a horror writer?
I have to have that.
- Early anniversary present?
- That is so mine.
- It's gonna be yours, baby.
- It also works as a weapon.
- Hey, it's my two
favorite people.
- Hey, Matt.
- Hey.
- Hey, Michelle.
- Hey.
- I didn't know you were coming.
- Well, surprise.
- Yay.
- Yeah.
- Great. Yeah.
And it's great that you
guys... Um, how are you?
- You know what?
We are awesome.
- Yeah, and we have Nathan to
thank because he set us up.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I... no, I didn't.
I... I definitely
didn't set you up.
- No, no, you did.
You did, remember?
I... I said he was hot,
and then you said
he was good people.
- Buddy, thanks.
I owe you.
- I didn't...
- Good people?
- Oop, excuse me.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God, these
canapes are amazing.
- Ugh, I know. I've
had, like, 17 of them.
- Uh...
Uh... Carlos is here.
- Mm, mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- You invited Carlos?
- Yes. I want all
my friends here.
- Oh, my God. You
invite him to, like,
socialize too?
- Well, this is the first one,
but Simon doesn't care.
- Hey.
- See?
All good.
- You guys are so fucking weird.
Hey, guys.
Bring it in.
Look at these new numbers.
15 million downloads.
- That's a lot of fuckin' money.
- Yeah, that's a lot of money.
- Like, a million dollars.
- Can you believe that?
Can you believe that?
- Yeah, but you know what
the next question is?
How do we make it bigger?
- Okay, let's just
enjoy this moment.
- We gotta push it. Look.
I went on a bit of a
deep dive on Reddit.
Okay, 24% of our fans,
they want me to keep talking
about my greatest hits
over and over like I'm
Billy fucking Joel,
but 76%, guess what they want?
- Don't say it.
- Fresh new content,
motherfuckers. Both: No.
- No.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- We're not talking
about that anymore.
- They said it.
- Faking it worked
pretty good in Vegas.
- The fake was
great. It was great.
It was a one-time thing.
- How 'bout a two-time thing?
- It was great.
- Why?
- No, we've gotten listen
to our 15-million fanbase,
and we gotta keep
it real for them.
- Okay, listen to this.
Spotify is talking about a
$20-million deal with us.
- Yeah.
- So how 'bout that's keeping
shit real, bro?
- That's keeping it real real,
so just keep your shit together,
don't fuck it up,
and just keep cool.
Offer's comin' in any minute.
We're all gonna be rich.
- Okay. Great.
- Got it?
- I got it, yeah.
- Don't fuck this up.
- Okay, don't fuck it up.
- Yeah?
- Okay, ready? Oh, good catch.
Good boy. Come
here. Come here.
Come here, boy,
you handsome boy.
Ooh.
Oh, good catch.
Oh, Duke is such a handsome boy.
Come here.
- Hey.
Do you wanna try
this edible flower?
- Do you think we
could get the dog back?
- Uh, sorry, what?
Are you kidding?
- I just... I...
- I'm really feeling like
he wants to come home.
- Okay, babe. We
gave them the dog.
You can't ask for
something like that back.
That's insane.
- We gave him the dog
because our yard was too small.
- Yes.
- But that's about
to fucking change.
We're gonna have a huge yard.
He should come home.
I mean, look... Look
at the way he's...
He throws the ball
like such a pussy.
He's like...
- Anybody see that?
- It is kind of a lame throw.
- Right? Just like...
- Yeah, but that doesn't mean
you can steal the dog back.
- Good catch, Duke!
- His name is McEnroe.
It's not Duke, and he knows it.
- You gotta let it go, okay?
We can't ask for the dog back.
- Okay, fine.
We'll buy him back.
- You know how
much Simon loves this dog?
He does. He's obsessed.
- He sleeps in the
guesthouse with him.
- Do you think I give a shit?
Hey, pal.
It's us. He's look...
he's looking at...
- Babe, he's not looking at us.
- He's looking at us.
- No, he's not. You
can't take something
like that away.
- Hey.
- That's... that's nuts.
- Yeah, um, can I...
Can I grab you for
a second? I just...
- Yeah.
- I need a hand.
- Yes. Please don't
steal the dog, okay?
- Come here, Duke.
Come to me. Come to me.
Oh, come here. Good catch.
Good boy. Come
here. Come here.
Okay, Duke.
Go get it.
Oh, good catch. You're
such a handsome boy.
Bring it back. Bring it back.
- Just love this room!
It's so beautiful. Where
are the party favors?
You hiding them up here?
- Ava...
- Also, you have no pictures.
It's really weird.
- Hey, are you okay?
- What?
What... what is that?
- I don't know. You tell me.
I saw it fall out of
your pocket at CrimeCon.
- I've... I've never seen
that before in my life.
- You've never seen this
before in your life?
- No.
- Ever?
- No.
- Okay.
"WTF? You killed Dahlia?
"You made a podcast without us?
Meet us outside in
the corridor now."
You're "Based on a True
Story," aren't you?
- The...
"Based on a"... The...
the... the podcast?
- Ava, I-I just...
I wanna help you.
Are you in danger?
- No.
- Because I... I
called the number
on this phone,
and Matt answered.
- I don't... no. What?
- He's the Westside
fucking Ripper, isn't he?
What is going on?
- Okay...
- Why... why are you doing this?
Is... is he threatening you...
- It's not what you think.
- Or Nathan?
- Oh, my God, no.
It's not... It's not
like that at all.
- No? Then what is it?
Because it says right here
that he killed
that girl in Vegas.
- Okay, is that why you
invited Matt tonight?
So you could ask me about this?
- I mean, I invited
him to find out
if he's the guy so I...
So I could help you,
but if you don't want my help,
I'll just go to the cops with...
- No, no, no. No, no,
no. No, no, no, no, no.
There's no... we don't need
to... Let's just all calm down.
No cops. You don't
need to call anybody.
Oh, fuck. Okay. I'm
gonna tell you the truth.
Okay?
- Okay.
- Nathan and I are broke.
We... we were gonna
lose the house.
- What?
- I know, and Matt was over,
and we started talking,
and it turns out
he's a... he's this, like,
crime fanatic junkie like us.
So the three of us decided
to make a fake podcast
where Matt pretends to
be the Westside Ripper.
- So Matt is pretending
to be a serial killer?
- I know. When you
say it like that,
it sounds really bad, but...
It-it's so bad
and... And fucked up.
I know it sounds like that,
but we were desperate,
desperate, completely
desperate, and...
And then Matt, like, he
got, like, really into it,
and he pretended he was the guy
that pushed that
girl off the roof.
And people got obsessed.
They couldn't get enough of it.
- So you're saying that
all of this is... is fake
and that guy's just a plumber?
- Yes!
- Because this looks
pretty fucking real to me.
- Well, good.
We... We got you.
That's good.
That...
Come on.
Do you think that I
would be in business
with a real serial killer?
I mean, you sound insane.
That would be the biggest
fucking stupidest thing
I could do, right?
Right?
- Yeah.
- Right.
Please don't tell anybody.
Truly, like, I... I
literally dragged Nathan
into this shit show.
There's a baby coming.
Our lives could be over.
Please.
- Okay.
Okay. Yeah, no,
no, no. I... I...
I won't say a word.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Wow.
I got to admit, this is...
This is kind of genius.
"Based on a True Story"
is based on a fake story.
- I know.
- I-I wish I'd thought of it.
- Yeah. Well, yeah.
Well, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
- I got your back.
- Thank you. Okay. Okay.
- Let's go back outside.
- Duke, Duke. Duke.
Duke.
- McEnroe. See?
He likes McEnroe. McEnroe.
McEnroe, right there.
Good boy.
Yes! Come on, buddy.
- Come here. Come here.
- Come on, buddy.
- Come to me, Duke.
Come to me, Duke.
Good boy.
Ready? Go.
- Okay.
I... I got it.
Okay, here we go.
Go get it.
- Here boy. Come on.
Here, boy. Come on.
- Duke.
- Hey, hey.
- Come on.
Bring it to me. Bring
it to me, to me.
Me, me.
- McEnroe, look at me.
Come here, pal. Come here, pal.
Look at me. Come here.
Bring it to me. To me.
- Duke. Duke!
- Come to
me, Duke. Come to me.
Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
Yay... oh!
Aah!
Help! Help!
- I'm gonna getcha outta here.
- McEnroe.
- Duke.
- McEnroe.
- Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
- Bring it to me.
- Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
Duke!
- Look at me.
- Come to me. Come to me.
- McEnroe.
- Come to me. Yeah, yeah.
Oh! Oh, don't...
- Good boy.
- Hey.
Hi. Hi.
- You good?
- Um, yes.
Yes, I'm good.
- Everybody, please
take a seat inside.
Dinner first, and
then the auction.
- Yeah, he likes me so
much better than Simon.
- I know.
- Let's get that fuckin' brick.
- Hey, did you call me before?
- Uh, it was a butt-dial, sorry.
- Really?
- Yep.
Where's the trust, partner?
- The same caterer
did my... Our wedding.
- I didn't know that.
- Uh-huh.
That's right.
- Yeah.
- Hm?
- Absolutely.
- It's great.
- Okay.
- I wish he would take
an interest in my...
- I mean...
- You tried your cake?
- No.
- Goodness.
Thank you.
- Nice to see you.
- So are you a part
of the crew now?
- Hey, did you crush
those midterms?
- Yeah, I'm going to
UCLA Law in the fall.
- Oh, my God. Congrats.
- Yeah, thanks.
- So we're gonna see
a lot more of you.
- Yeah, a whole lot more.
- Awesome.
- "Crushed those midterms"?
- So a sign of the times,
I tried to put an ad
on that hot true crime podcast,
"Based on a True Story."
- Hot.
- Brilliant.
- Such a hot show.
- Is that not a genius idea?
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Amazing.
- Brilliant.
- Yeah.
- I love that.
- Oh, my gosh, it gets me hot.
- So brilliant.
- It's so good.
- I think it's fake.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, like, the, um...
The Orson Welles thing?
- Uh, "War of the Worlds"?
- It could be just
street theater.
- Absolutely not.
Are you kidding me?
You heard this guy's voice?
That's a stabby voice.
- What?
- I buy it 100%.
That guy is the killer.
- Mm.
- You should just ask them.
- There's no chance.
- Yeah.
- You never talk to anybody.
- Oh.
- No, you...
You email a shell corporation.
You pay them in crypto.
Nobody knows where they
are or who they are.
- Wow.
- I wouldn't pay them a cent.
Paul, the guy is killing people.
- Okay, Richard.
Last time I checked, there is
still free speech in America.
- Okay, even if
that speech is about
how you just killed someone?
- Yeah, especially then.
You... you wanna outlaw
offensive speech?
Who decides what
goes on the list?
Me? You?
- I listen to it, and I think
it's totally fucking disgusting.
I think that you're right.
I think that it's all true.
I think he's a serial killer.
And I think the people
that are helping him
are far worse than he is.
- Oh. What people?
- Preach, sister.
- There's an interviewer.
- Hm?
- Don't say that.
- Right? I mean, somebody...
- No, that's not your word.
- Has to be helping him.
The Westside Ripper has
some kind of brain defect,
but these parasites are
making money off of him.
They should go to prison
longer than he does.
- That's a very good point.
No, they really should.
Think about it.
- Mm.
- I don't know. I...
There's nothing wrong
with makin' money.
I love money. You love money.
You love money.
Money's great.
Puts food on the table,
puts our kids through school.
Carlos loves money. Right?
- What?
- Can't open your
gym on the East Coast
without money, right?
- Uh, it certainly
would help, yeah.
- Mm, guys, I think it's time
to start bidding on
the items, right?
- I just wanna say I love
Carlos' business plan.
- Oh, my God.
- And I...
I want to invest in it.
- Wait, you... you want
to invest in my gym?
- Yeah, I want to finance
the whole thing by myself.
- Well, that's...
Wait, are you serious?
- 100%.
- Great.
- Yeah?
- When do we start?
- Now.
- What?
- Now.
Like, right now.
Immediately.
- Immediately?
- He's joking.
He's just...
- Go pack a bag,
go to LAX,
get on the red-eye, go
to New York, get to work.
It's gonna take a
couple of years.
I'm gonna need you
there the whole time
overseeing
construction, the plans,
and you're not gonna be
able to come back here ever.
- Why you doing this?
Hm?
- Hm?
- Why are you doing
this right now?
Is it 'cause I invited him?
- What?
I believe in Carlos.
I like Carlos' business plan.
Unless there's something
that Carlos loves
more than money here in LA.
Then he should stay.
Okay.
I just transferred you $250,000.
- What?
- When I get my investment back,
we'll go 50/50.
If it works out, I'll
finance a national rollout,
but you gotta go right now.
- You
don't have to go.
Babe, please, stay for me.
- You gotta go, Carlos.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh.
- Are you fucking insane?
Why would you do that?
Why the fuck do you even care?
- God.
- Hey, buddy.
You got some
interesting friends.
- Okay, let's help
some teen runaways!
- Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that happened.
You okay?
I know you really loved Carlos.
- Oh, fuck Carlos.
I never
loved Carlos,
but fuck him for leaving.
- Well, I mean, we all know
you're gonna be just fine.
- Will I?
- Yes.
- 'Cause I feel like I'm
pretty fucked right now.
Ava, look at my life right now.
Take a good look.
You gotta let me
in on the podcast.
Okay? It's... it's
literally all that I got.
- Okay, uh, maybe we should
talk about this another time.
- No, no, no, 'cause...
'cause I can help you.
You know, you... you know
I'm great with marketing.
Right? And branding,
and I know this world.
And we're the "Wine &
Crime" girls, right?
- Yeah, I can't do this.
- Oh, well, I...
Because do you
remember that guy...
That guy that I had a thing
with in Cabo last year?
'Cause he's huge at Wondery,
and... and he's married,
so he definitely
owes me a solid.
I can get him to make
us a preemptive offer,
you know, probably a
really, really big one.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes.
- So some guy is gonna make
us a multimillion-dollar offer
because he went
down on you in Cabo?
- Yeah, that is how
the world works.
How do you not know that?
- Okay, just trust me.
You shouldn't get involved
in this 'cause it's a mess.
- Okay, hold on.
Don't come at me like
you're my friend now.
- What?
- No, I know exactly
what's going on.
I mean, I know
Matt's the killer.
- I have no fucking idea
what you're talking about.
- Okay.
So if I took Matt's wine glass
and took it down to
the police station,
you're telling me that his
DNA wouldn't be an exact match
to the Westside Ripper?
- If you tell a single
person about this,
I will fucking end you.
- But I already told Simon.
- What?
- Yeah.
I told him.
- You told...
You told Simon?
Are you insane?
Why would you do that?
- Because he's a lawyer,
and he will protect me!
- Oh, my God. He's
not gonna protect you.
He fucking hates you. He
hates everything about you!
- Oh, sweetie.
That's just married talk.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. I can't believe
you would be stupid enough
to fucking tell Simon!
- Oh, I absolutely
am that stupid.
And why not?
I mean, it's worked pretty
well for me so far, right?
Tell me something.
Who's the one
living in a mansion
in the Palisades,
and who can't afford their
mortgage in Mar Vista?
- Okay, you listen to me,
you with your little
400 calories a day,
your cool sculpt, and
your amazing blowjobs
you can't stop bragging about...
- They are amazing.
- Well,
not amazing enough to
keep Carlos around.
So if you wanna go steal
the Westside
Ripper's wine glass,
good fucking luck.
- Fuck you.
Fuck you, 'cause
Nathan will bring me in
'cause he is nothing like you!
He will cut me in!
And my blowjobs are
the fucking best!
Everyone in LA knows it...
and Dubai.
- 900, $900. Ladies
and gentlemen,
it would be a dream
within a dream
if we got to $1,000.
Do I hear 1, $1,000
for the Edgar Allan Poe brick.
How 'bout a 1,200?
Who'll do a 1,200?
There's a fan of blood
and murder for 1,200.
- Hey, can I talk
to you for a second?
- Hold on, these fuckers are
trying to steal your brick.
- $1,300.
- Okay, but...
I need you
for one second.
- We're gonna lose the brick.
- I don't care.
Just come on.
So here's the
thing... Don't panic
when I tell you this...
But I lost the burner.
- What?
- I got it back,
but I dropped it in Vegas,
and then Ruby, she found it,
and now she's blackmailing...
- Oh, my fucking God.
- Us and wants in on everything.
- Ruby?
- Yes.
- How did you not
know you dropped it?
- It was an accident! Okay?
We had been using yours.
I barely use mine.
I thought it was
in my bag, but it fell out.
I know I fucked up, but
she knows everything.
She knows that Matt is
the Westside Ripper,
and she told me
that she told Simon.
- She told Simon?
- Well, she might be bluffing.
I don't fuckin' know, but...
- This is fine. It's fine.
We're
gonna figure this out.
But this place is toxic.
Okay? I'm telling you,
it's fucking toxic.
They're nuts. I'm taking
McEnroe outta here.
- Babe, who fucking cares
about the dog right now?
Just forget the fuckin' dog.
We
have bigger problems.
What? What?
- Oh, shit.
Alba, she just came
out against us.
- No, not Alba.
- Jessica Alba just tweeted,
"If #BasedOnATrueStory
is true, it's sickening.
"If it's fake, it
might be even worse.
"America, we're
better than this.
#CancelBasedOnATrueStory."
- Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.
Okay, oh, fuck, fuck,
fuck. Oh, my God.
Okay, maybe it's
not gonna track.
Maybe no one's
gonna pick this up.
- Oh, shit. Malia Obama
just retweeted it.
- Oh, my God, so did Tom Hanks.
- Kylie Jenner.
- Oh, my God.
So did Dame Judi Dench.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, babe.
- Oh, my God.
- I know you love her.
- Are you seeing this shit?
- Yes.
- We're gonna get canceled?
Alba fucked us.
- Okay, is there anyone
that's for us?
- For us? Um...
- Who is? Look.
- Kanye?
- Okay, Kanye?
- Ugh, that's not good.
- The dude from NXIVM.
- Josh Duggar?
- Jared from Subway.
- That's not good.
- That's bad.
- No.
- This is fuckin' awful.
- There goes iTunes.
- We lost iTunes?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
You and me, we're
gettin' outta here.
We're takin' the dog. We'll
call you from the road.
- You're taking the fucking dog?
Our brand is under attack.
We gotta act now.
Here's our play, okay?
The snowflakes can suck it.
We're gonna double down
just like our fans want.
I'm gonna go out tonight...
- No.
- And I will...
- We are not doing that, okay?
We have to do something,
but we are not doing that.
You guys, if we
don't do something,
we are gonna lose
the Spotify deal.
Do you understand?
So what do we do?
- Wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
Wait a minute. Doesn't...
doesn't Ruby know Alba?
- Yes. You know what?
She was her body double
in "Spy Kids 4."
- Remember, she had the
wig and the costume on
one night after shooting?
- She loves to
hold that over me.
- She went down on Kid Rock.
Someone took a photo.
- Yeah.
- Why don't we get
Ruby to tell Alba
that we'll release
the fuckin' photo
unless she pulls the post?
- Why would Alba care?
It's not her in the picture.
- It doesn't matter.
It looks like her.
- No, the tweet's out
there. It's taken flight.
- You go talk to Ruby.
I'll find out what Simon knows.
- Ruby's not gonna do
shit for us right now.
Trust me.
- It's all we fuckin' got,
guys. Let's go. Go.
Big man, everyone!
Big fuckin' man.
What kind of control freak
buys his wife's boyfriend, huh?
- You're the one who
invited him, honey,
in front of all of our friends.
- Yeah, you know
why? You know why?
'Cause you can't get it up
unless you call me "Mommy."
Do you guys know that?
What's up with that?
You miss sucking on
Mommy's titties, huh?
- Yes! Yes, I do!
You know what? I actually like
sucking Mom's tits
better than yours!
- Guys, that's not great
for the dog.
- Or anyone.
- Even if I stitched Michael
Fassbender's foreskin
onto Orlando Bloom's
dick...
And Frankensteined
the perfect penis,
I still couldn't
get it up for you!
- Are you gonna
finally stroke out
and leave me with all
your daddy's money, huh?
- Come on. Come on,
McEnroe. Come on.
Okay, stay here, and stay quiet.
I'm gonna get you
outta here tonight.
Okay? Yeah.
- You think that hurt me?
You think sending
him away hurt me?
- Okay!
- You can't fucking hurt me.
- What do you want?
You want the spa day
at the Peninsula, honey, huh?
Do you want the deep tissue?
Do you want me to
buy that for you?
- You're gonna continue
to buy my love!
You're a fucking monster,
and you've never loved anything
in your entire life
except that dog!
That's it! How pathetic
is that, everyone?
- So now it's the dog's fault?
- Oh, sure!
Yeah, it's the dog's
fault!
Sure, it's the
fucking dog's fault!
- You want me to
shut the dog up?
- Yeah, go shut
the fucking dog up!
- Okay. I'll shut
the fucking dog up!
- Do you need Mommy's help?
You think you can handle that?
You got that, hon?
Goddamn it!
- Hey, I know this
is a terrible time.
I'm so sorry, but,
um, you're friends
with Jessica Alba, right?
- Yeah.
- You are?
- Yeah, she's really
sweet, actually.
- Um...
- Fuck off and die!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
- No.
- What's he doing?
- Someone...
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Uh...
- No, you should stay here.
- Wait...
- He's got a gun.
- He's got a gun.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Watch out. Watch out!
- Oh, my God.
- What did you do?
- I shut the dog up.
- Oh, no.
- I shut it up.
- Oh, my God.
- Simon, please put that down.
What the fuck did you...
- I shut the fucking dog up
is what I did.
- Okay, easy, please.
Please, please.
No, no, no.
- I'm gonna come
around you, okay?
Hey. Just focus on me.
All right?
That's good. That's good.
Man,
you must be in shock.
You're not a bad person.
We all have anger in us.
I know. It's okay.
It's okay. It's all right.
It's good. Yeah,
yeah. That's good.
You don't wanna do this.
Yeah. That's good.
- McEnroe!
- Okay, Tory.
- You all right?
- I got you.
- I got you.
- He just lost his mind?
- Oh, no!
- I'm so sorry.
- Nice shot, Dad.