Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 8, Episode 9 - Examination Day - full transcript

The detectives work in uniform while Levitt and the others take their sergeant's exams. While working with the squad, Luger is overly rough with a perpetrator, and later with Barney.

NO HARRIS, HUH?

NO.

HE'S GONNA CALL IN SICK.

NO WAY. TOO OBVIOUS.

HE'S GONNA DO SOMETHING.

REMEMBER LAST YEAR?

YEAH, BUT LAST YEAR WAS
DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES.

LOOK AT HIM NOW.
HE'S NOT WRITING.

HE LOST THAT LAWSUIT.

HE'S HUMBLE. HUMBLE HARRIS.

STILL GOT HIS VANITY.



BET?

- WHAT?
- FIVE BUCKS HE'S IN UNIFORM.

OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT?
- ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE ON.

GOOD MORNING, FOLKS.

LET'S MAKE IT 10.

AH, GOOD MORNING, HARRIS.

- BARN.
- MORNING.

YEAH, REALLY GOOD
TO SEE YOU, HARRIS.

HEY, WOJ.

YOU'RE LOOKING VERY
HANDSOME THIS MORNING.

AH, YOU'RE PRECIOUS, BARNEY.

GENTLEMEN, I HAVE THE DUTY
ROSTER HERE. PLEASE PERUSE IT.



OH, GOODY.

LOOK, HARRIS, I DON'T WANT TO
DO THIS ANY MORE THAN YOU DO,

BUT IT'S SOMETHING
THAT'S GOT TO BE DONE.

SURE.

OKAY.

WELL, HOW COME WE HAVE
TO WALK A BEAT, THOUGH?

I MEAN, IT'S BAD ENOUGH
WE GOT TO PUT THE BAG ON.

YOU REALIZE THAT
70% OF THE FORCE

IS GONNA BE OUT TAKING
THAT SERGEANT'S EXAM TODAY?

THAT MEANS THE REST
OF US HAVE TO FILL IN...

YOU, YOU, ME, EVEN
THE TOP BRASS.

YEAH, BUT FOR SOME
OF YOU, IT'S FUN,

YOU KNOW, LIKE OLD-TIMERS' DAY.

IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY,

WE FILLED IN WHEN YOU
TOOK THE SERGEANT'S EXAM...

ALL THREE TIMES.

SURE, TAKE THE CHEAP SHOT, BARN.

MORNING, GUYS.

- HELLO, LEVITT.
- SIR.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO
BE AT THE SERGEANT EXAM?

I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY FIRST

TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING
WAS RUNNING SMOOTHLY.

IT IS.

VERY GOOD, SIR.

UH, ON BEHALF OF
THOSE DOWNSTAIRS,

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU
FOR TAKING THE TIME

FROM YOUR IMPORTANT
DUTIES TO, UH, DIRECT TRAFFIC,

WALK THE BEAT,

DO THE OTHER MUNDANE
MINUTIA WE FACE EVERY DAY.

OUR PLEASURE.

I GOT, UH, ODOR-EATERS
IN THE LOCKER.

I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

FOOT HYGIENE'S
VERY IMPORTANT, SIR.

- SAVE IT FOR THE TEST.
- YES, SIR.

UH, SIR, I JUST HOPE I
DON'T LET YOU DOWN.

IT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

Wojo: HEY, LEVITT.

LOOK, IT'S ONLY A TEST.

THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN

IS YOU FAIL IT
AND TAKE IT AGAIN.

LIKE YOU.

LEVITT.

LEVITT... WE ALL WISH YOU LUCK.

THANK YOU, SIR.

- KNOCK 'EM DEAD, CARL.
- THANK YOU.

GO GET 'EM, LITTLE LEVITT.

THANK YOU, GUYS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY TO THINK

THAT AFTER I TAKE THE EXAM,

I'LL HAVE THE WHOLE
AFTERNOON OFF

TO RELAX AND ENJOY MYSELF

WHILE YOU'RE OUT THERE
BUSTING YOUR CHOPS.

I COULD COME BACK, SIR.

YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE, LEVITT.

SHIRT BRINGS OUT YOUR EYES.

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, CHECK
THE DUTY ROSTER, PLEASE.

IT'S ALL STUFF
YOU'VE DONE BEFORE.

THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANY PROBLEMS.

HAVE NO FEAR. SHED NO TEAR.

REINFORCEMENTS ARE HERE.

Harris: HOW ARE YOU, INSPECTOR?

HEY, BARNEY.

FRANK T. LUGER AT
YOUR SERVICE, SIR.

YOU'VE BEEN ASSIGNED HERE?

NO, NO. I REQUESTED IT, BARNEY.

I FIGURED IF I GOT TO
SUFFER THE INSULTS,

THE DEGRADATION OF
PUTTING ON THIS UNIFORM AGAIN,

I MIGHT AS WELL
BE WITH, YOU KNOW,

AMONG PEOPLE WHERE
I CAN GRIPE ABOUT IT.

WE APPRECIATE THAT.

I HAVEN'T HAD ON A
UNIFORM IN 25 YEARS, BARNEY.

AT LEAST IF YOU
GOT A NICE SUIT ON,

YOU KNOW, IT MAKES YOU
LOOK MORE PROFESSIONAL,

LIKE AN ACCOUNTANT OR
GYNECOLOGIST OR SOMETHING.

IT'S ONLY ONE DAY
A YEAR, INSPECTOR.

YEAH, BUT WHAT'S
THE POINT, BARNEY?

SO SOME DUMMKOPF COPS
CAN SIT DOWN AT A DESK

AND SUCK ON THE END OF A PENCIL,

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE ANSWERS

TO SOME MULTIPLE-CHOICE
QUESTIONS

ABOUT THE PROPER
WAY TO WEAR A HAT.

INSPECTOR, THE, UH...

AH, IN MY TIME, BARNEY,
YOU DIDN'T GET PROMOTED

ON TAKING SOME KIND OF A TEST

OR BEING ON SOMEBODY'S LIST.

IT COME DOWN TO SOMETHING
MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT,

- LIKE, UH...
- WHO YOU KNEW.

RIGHT, BARNEY.

I BETTER SEE IF THIS
THING STILL FITS, HUH?

THE OLD INSPECTOR AIN'T
THE SAME MAN HE WAS IN 1957.

WHO IS?

DICK CLARK.

WRONG CROWD.

Wojo: MM-HMM.

OKAY, WE GOT IT.

BARN, GOT A
DISTURBANCE IN A SHOP

OVER IN DELANCEY STREET.

UH, YOU AND DIETRICH.

THIS OUGHT TO BE FUN.

WANT TO BET THE 10 YOU OWE ME?

NEW YORK'S FINEST.

HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK, BARN?

LOOKS GOOD.

YEAH, NOT TOO BAD, HUH?

NOT AT ALL.

AT LEAST I DIDN'T
BLOW UP LIKE A ZEPPELIN

LIKE, YOU KNOW,
SOME COPS I KNOW.

THIS REMINDS ME, BARNEY,

OF THE FIRST TIME I
EVER PUT A UNIFORM ON.

YEAH?

ME AND OLD BROWNIE, YOU KNOW?

BROWNIE, HE SAYS TO ME,

"HEY, YOU LOOK LIKE DON AMECHE."

OH, YEAH?

HE WAS KIDDING, BARN.

I DIDN'T HAVE A MUSTACHE.

NO, HE WAS ALWAYS PULLING
FUN STUFF LIKE THAT, BARNEY.

HE'D TIE YOUR SHOELACES
TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?

YOU GO TO TAKE A STEP.

HE'D CALL UP YOUR GRANDMOTHER
AND TELL HER YOU WERE DEAD.

THOSE WERE SWELL TIMES, BARN.

I CAN IMAGINE.

YEAH, WELL, A UNIFORM,

THAT'S SOMETHING, BARNEY, TOO.

YOU KNOW, YOUR AVERAGE
DEGENERATE CRIMINAL,

HE WAS SCARED OF THE NYPD.

HE KNEW WE MEANT BUSINESS.
WE WERE ROUGH AND TOUGH.

- TEA, ANYONE?
- HUH?

I'LL GET IT.

12th PRECINCT. CAPTAIN
MILLER SPEAKING.

YEAH, GO AHEAD.

ALL RIGHT. WE'LL HAVE
SOMEONE DOWN THERE.

RIGHT.

HARRIS, ASSAULT IN PROGRESS,
WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK.

YOU AND INSPECTOR LUGER.

THANK YOU.

LET'S GO, INSPECTOR.

HOW ABOUT YOUR TEA, HAR?

OH, I'LL JUST, UM, I'LL
CHEW A BAG IN THE CAR.

HEY, INSPECTOR.

NOT NOW. NOT NOW,
WOJ. I'M ON A CALL.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

UH, THIS IS BENJAMIN
DIAMOND, BEN'S BUTCHER SHOP.

30 YEARS, SAME LOCATION.

MR. DIAMOND WAS
BEING INTERVIEWED

BY "SPOTLIGHT ON NEW YORK"...

YOU KNOW, THAT CHANNEL
27 INVESTIGATIVE SHOW...

WHEN THE REPORTER SAID
SOMETHING THAT GOT HIM MAD.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE STARTED WHACKING
HIM WITH A SALAMI,

AND HE THREW A RIB
ROAST AT THE CAMERAMAN.

HE PROMISED ME IT WAS
GONNA BE GOOD PUBLICITY.

YOU KNOW, A FRIENDLY
INTERVIEW, A FEW QUESTIONS.

YOU KNOW, SAWDUST, HIGH
PRICES, HOW DID I LIKE MARTY?

THEN HE LACES INTO ME.

I FELT LIKE A LAMB
BEING LED TO SLAUGHTER.

IRONIC, HUH?

I'M STANDING THERE
DRESSING A CHICKEN.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE
WHIPS OUT SOME PAPERS

AND STARTS THROWING
ACCUSATIONS AT ME,

SAYING THAT MY MEAT...
MY MEAT! WAS NOT KOSHER.

IT'S NOT?

SEE, IT'S SPREADING ALREADY.

THE REPORTER HAD
EVIDENCE THAT MR. DIAMOND

HAD PURCHASED SOME
NON-KOSHER MEAT

FROM A WHOLESALER IN JERSEY.

WHO KNEW? THEY TOLD
ME THEY HAD A RABBI.

OKAY, TAKE IT EASY.

THEN HE TURNS IN TO THE CAMERA,
AND HE CALLS ME A CHARLATAN.

DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A
CHANCE TO DEFEND MYSELF.

AT LEAST THEY DO THAT
ON "60 MINUTES," NO?

LOOK, FOR A RELIGIOUS
JEW, THIS IS A CALAMITY.

YOU KNOW, A KOSHER BUTCHER'S
REPUTATION IS BASED ON TRUST.

TELL THAT TO SERGEANT DIETRICH.

HE'S GONNA TAKE YOUR
STATEMENT. DIETRICH?

AH, MR. DIAMOND, PARK
YOUR CARCASS OVER THERE.

REPORTER'S GONNA COME
DOWN AND FILE CHARGES LATER.

DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE.
YOU GOT TO WALK A BEAT.

NO, I JUST GOT BACK.

WELL, YOU'RE GOING OUT AGAIN.

WELL, JUST THINK OF IT AS
A NICE TWO-HOUR STROLL

IN THE FRESH AIR
ALONG THE RIVER.

THE RIVER?

YEAH, YOU GOT THE RIVER BEAT.

WELL, NOW, THERE'S CRIME
DOWN THERE, TOO, YOU KNOW.

PEOPLE FISHING OFF THE PIERS.

IT'S AGAINST THE LAW.

GOT TO GIVE THEM
TICKETS FOR THAT.

REMEMBER HOW TO GIVE A TICKET?

HEY, MAYBE YOU'LL GET LUCKY.

SOMEBODY WILL FALL IN.

YOU'RE REALLY ENJOYING
THIS, AREN'T YOU?

GET IN THERE, VERMIN.

YOU KNOW, IT'S SCUM LIKE
YOU THAT STINKS UP THE WORLD.

YES, SIR. THANK
YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.

IS HE ALWAYS LIKE THIS?

Barney: WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME
WITH THIS SLIMEBALL, BARNEY.

I'LL GET IT ALL IN
HIS STATEMENT.

UH, BARN, THIS IS,
UH, WARREN SHIPPEL.

WHEN WE GOT TO THE PARK,

WE GOT A DESCRIPTION
FROM, UH, A MARTHA FORBUSH.

SHE'S THE WOMAN THAT
OWNED THIS POCKETBOOK.

BARNEY, SHE'S 82.

HEY, I COULDN'T TELL THAT.
SHE WAS WEARING A HAT.

ANYWAY, WHEN WE GOT TO
THE PARK, WE DROVE AROUND,

AND WE SPOTTED HIM TRYING
TO RUN OVER TOWARD 6th AVENUE.

THAT'S WHEN WE GAVE CHASE,
AND, UH, WE... WE GOT HIM.

THAT'S IT?

IT WAS A WALK IN
THE PARK, BARNEY.

HEY, GET OVER HERE, YOU.

ALMOST LIKE OLD TIMES, BARNEY,

AS IF FORRESTER AND KLEINER
WAS HERE WITH ME, YOU KNOW?

WHO TOLD YOU TO SIT DOWN, HUH?

EMPTY YOUR POCKETS OUT HERE.

- YOU DIDN'T SAY "SIMON SAYS."
- HUH?

JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN
THINGS UP A LITTLE BIT, THAT'S ALL.

UH, BARN, UM, AS SOON
AS LUGER'S FINISHED,

I THINK I'LL JUST RUN SHIPPEL ON
OVER TO MANHATTAN SOUTH, OKAY?

LET LUGER DO IT. KEEP HIM BUSY.

I WAS THINKING, BARN,
IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA

TO JUST LEAVE THE
INSPECTOR HERE,

KEEP HIM FROM
WEARING HIMSELF OUT.

HE LOOKED FINE TO ME.

OH, HE'S FIT. HE'S
FIT AS A FIDDLE.

PROBLEM?

SHIPPEL DID NOT
HAVE THE POCKETBOOK

WHEN WE, UH, FOUND HIM, BARN.

HE HAD TOSSED IT AWAY AND DIDN'T
WANT TO TELL US WHERE IT WAS.

HOW'D YOU GET IT?

LUGER. WHAT DID HE DO?

BARN, HE SLAPPED THAT
MAN AROUND A LITTLE.

OH, MY GOD.

OF COURSE, HE READ
HIM HIS RIGHTS FIRST.

- HOW THOUGHTFUL.
- YEAH.

BUT WHEN HE GOT TO THE PART

"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT," HE POINTED HIS GUN

AND THREATENED TO
MAKE THE MAN A EUNUCH.

NOW, THAT IS NOT ALLOWED, IS IT?

THAT'S WHEN HE TOLD YOU
WHERE THE POCKETBOOK WAS?

YES, BARN, BUT IT WAS
VERY EMBARRASSING.

I MEAN, THE GUY HAD
TOSSED IT INTO A GARBAGE BIN,

AND LUGER MADE
HIM GO IN AFTER IT.

THREATENING TO PROFER
CHARGES AGAINST LUGER?

HE'S OFFERING TO, UM,
PAINT LUGER'S APARTMENT.

OKAY, LOOK, THE WISEST THING
FOR US TO DO IS JUST BE COOL

AND DON'T MAKE A
BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.

RIGHT.

BARN, I-I JUST...

I JUST FELT THAT IT WAS MY
OBLIGATION TO LET YOU KNOW.

WELL, I APPRECIATE
IT. THANK YOU.

OF COURSE, NOW
IT'S YOUR HEADACHE,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO
WORRY ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

IN THE CAGE, MAGGOT.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, SIR.

HEY, WOJ.

INSPECTOR.

HOW WAS YOUR PATROL?

I GAVE A WARNING TO A FISHERMAN.

YOU SENT HIM UP THE RIVER, HUH?

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU LOOK GREAT.

THANKS, INSPECTOR.

NO, NO, I AIN'T JUST SAYING IT.

YOU KNOW, SEEING ALL
YOU GUYS IN UNIFORM,

IT DOES SOMETHING TO ME.

US TOO.

OH, YOU'RE NAUGHTY, HAR.

EXCUSE ME, INSPECTOR.

YOU KNOW, I THINK

I MAY JUST START WEARING
THESE DUDS EVERY DAY.

AND THROW OUT ALL
THOSE NICE SUITS?

INSPECTOR?

12th PRECINCT. LUGER.

JUST A SECOND, BARNEY,
WILL YOU? I'M TAKING A CALL.

BYE.

- BARN?
- HMM.

TRAFFIC LIGHT OUT ON
MADISON. CARS ARE BACKING UP.

THEY GOT A COUPLE
OF ACCIDENTS ALREADY.

THEY GOT TO HAVE
SOMEONE THERE TO DIRECT.

HARRIS.

THAT'S... THAT'S... THAT'S
ON PUBLISHER'S ROW, BARN.

WHY DON'T YOU...
WHY DON'T YOU SEND...

I JUST GOT BACK FROM FISH DUTY.

BUT... WHAT IF I SEE
SOMEBODY I KNOW?

SAY HELLO.

HMM.

I GOT YOU.

HEY, BARNEY, BREAK
OUT THE WEAPONS, HUH?

WE GOT A ROBBERY IN
PROGRESS OVER ON BLEECKER.

UM, WOJO, YOU AND
ME, UH... HEY, I'M HERE.

SO AM I.

UM...

HARRIS, DO ME A FAVOR. DROP
OFF SHIPPEL ON THE WAY DOWN.

- RIGHT.
- BLESS YOU.

I'LL SEE YOU DOWNSTAIRS.

HEY, BARNEY, WHY CAN'T I GO?

INSPECTOR, DON'T BE GREEDY.
WE ALL WANT A CHANCE.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

HOLD THE FORT, INSPECTOR.

LISTEN, FOR WHAT IT'S
WORTH, I BELIEVE YOU.

I DON'T THINK YOU KNEW
THE MEAT WASN'T KOSHER.

- OH... OH, THANK YOU.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SAY!

YEAH.

WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY MY SHOP?

I JUST GOT IN SOME
DELICIOUS RIB STEAKS.

TOP QUALITY, PRIME CUT.

I DON'T EAT STEAK.

OH?

IT'S TOO HIGH IN CHOLESTEROL,

SODIUM, TOO MUCH FAT.

YOU EAT TOO MUCH OF THAT STUFF,

IT INCREASES YOUR
BLOOD PRESSURE.

NOT GOOD FOR THE HEART.

YOU SELL HOT DOGS?

CAPTAIN MILLER, HOW DID IT GO?

OH, NO PROBLEM.

WOJO'S RUNNING THE GUY
DOWN TO MANHATTAN SOUTH.

CONGRATULATIONS.

SO YOU DIDN'T NEED THE OLD
INSPECTOR AFTER ALL, HUH?

INSPECTOR, AT THE MOMENT,

IT JUST SEEMED
BEST FOR ME TO GO.

WHY?

MY OFFICE?

IF YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY.

I'LL HOLD THE FORT.

SO...

YOU DIDN'T THINK I COULD
CUT IT, HUH, BARNEY?

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I WAS A LITTLE CONCERNED.

WHY? YOU SAW HOW I
HANDLED THAT PUNK.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS
CONCERNED ABOUT.

I GOT THE POCKETBOOK
BACK, DIDN'T I?

THE QUESTION IS, HOW
DID YOU GET IT BACK?

JUST A LITTLE
FRIENDLY PERSUASION.

EXACTLY.

WHEN I WAS AT THE
9-3 OVER IN BROOKLYN,

WE USED TO LEAN ON THEM
LOUSY LITTLE PUNKS ALL THE TIME.

THAT WAS 1947, INSPECTOR.

SO?

EXCUSE ME FOR STAYING ALIVE.

OH, MAN, I AM NEVER
GONNA DIRECT TRAFFIC AGAIN.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO
HUMILIATED IN MY LIFE.

WHAT DID YOU DO,
SWALLOW YOUR WHISTLE?

I STOOD THERE FOR HOURS

WITH BUS EXHAUST
BELCHING IN MY FACE,

HORNS HONKING, PEOPLE SCREAMING,

CABBIES TRYING TO RUN ME OVER.

GIVE OUT ANY TICKETS?

NO.

WRITER'S BLOCK, HUH?

LOOK, MAN, IS BARNEY BACK?

HE'S IN THERE WITH LUGER.

OH.

WHAT'S THE STORY
WITH THEM, ANYWAY?

UH, YOU, UH, WANT IT IN WRITING?

YES, SIR. CAN I HELP YOU?

HARV JETTER,
"SPOTLIGHT ON NEW YORK."

INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER, RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT'S WITH BARNEY AND LUGER?

WHAT'S THAT?

FORGET IT.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU BUTCHER.

NOT MUCH LONGER, THANKS TO YOU.

YEAH? YOU SEE THIS?
YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?

YOU TRICKED ME!

I DO THAT TO EVERYBODY.
DON'T YOU WATCH THE SHOW?

NO.

WELL, IF YOU WANT TO BE ON
IT, YOU HAVE TO COOPERATE.

YOU DON'T SEE PEOPLE
ATTACKING GERALDO RIVERA.

WHO?

IS HE KIDDING?

I GOT THE PURSE BACK, DIDN'T I?

THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

IT WAS TO THE LITTLE OLD
LADY WITH THE MUSTACHE

WHO GOT ROBBED.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
HER, BARN. PATHETIC, BARNEY.

TORE MY HEART OUT.
HOBBLING ALONG WITH A CANE.

HER BINGO MONEY
WAS IN THE PURSE.

INSPECTOR, YOU VIOLATED
THAT MAN'S CIVIL RIGHTS!

AH, DON'T GIVE ME
THAT LEGALESE BUNK.

IT IS NOT BUNK, DAMN IT!

IT'S THE LAW!

AND WE, OF ALL PEOPLE,
HAVE TO UPHOLD IT.

NO MATTER WHAT YOUR
PERSONAL OPINION HAPPENS TO BE.

YEAH, SO, HOW WOULD YOU HAVE
HANDLED THAT LITTLE PUNK, HUH?

WOULD YOU HAVE SAID TO
HIM, "PLEASE, SIR, MR. SHIPPEL,

WILL YOU TELL ME WHERE
THE PURSE IS, PRETTY PLEASE?"

BARNEY...

BARNEY, I GOT A LOT
OF RESPECT FOR YOU,

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IT'S BLEEDING HEARTS
LIKE YOU, BARNEY,

THAT CAUSE ALL THESE
PROBLEMS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I'M SOFT. IS THAT
WHAT YOU THINK?

IT'S JUST THAT I
THINK A REAL COP

DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE
TO GO BY THE BOOK.

OH, I'LL GO ALONG
WITH YOU THERE.

OH, WILL YOU?

IF I WENT BY THE BOOK,

I'D HAVE YOU UP IN FRONT
OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

UH, BARNEY, THE GUY
FROM CHANNEL 27 IS HERE.

YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM
BEFORE HE SIGNS A COMPLAINT?

YEAH.

CAPTAIN MILLER,
THIS IS MR. JETTER.

MR. JETTER.

YOU'RE PRESSING ASSAULT
CHARGES AGAINST MR. DIAMOND?

YOU BET I AM.

YOU SEE THIS?
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

IF IT WASN'T FOR THE
WONDERS OF MODERN MAKEUP,

I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GO BEFORE
CAMERAS FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS.

CAPTAIN, MY FACE IS MY LIFE.

HAVE A SEAT, MR. JETTER.

I CAN, UH, APPRECIATE
YOUR SITUATION,

BUT IT OCCURS TO ME THAT
YOU REALLY HAVE TO ASSUME

SOME OF THE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR MR. DIAMOND'S ACTIONS.

AFTER ALL, YOU DID MISLEAD HIM.

THAT'S MY JOB.

YOU CAN'T PUT THAT SHOW
ON THE AIR. IT'LL RUIN ME.

I HAVE AN OBLIGATION
TO MY PUBLIC, BUSTER.

HEY, I AM THE PUBLIC.

NOT FROM WHERE
I SIT, YOU'RE NOT.

LOOK, I TREATED
YOU LIKE A FRIEND.

I TOOK YOU INTO MY HEART.

I EVEN SHOWED YOU HOW
I MADE CHOPPED LIVER.

YOU HURT ME, HARV.

IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,
MR. JETTER, UM...

HOW'D YOU GET THE STORY?

WELL, WE GOT A TIP.

SOMEBODY CALLED AND GAVE US A
LIST OF BUTCHERS WITH THE MEAT.

SO YOU JUST PICKED MR. DIAMOND?

WELL, HE WAS IN
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

DID YOU CHECK WITH THE
WHOLESALER WHO SOLD THE MEAT?

THEY WOULDN'T TALK TO ME.
THEY WOULDN'T TALK TO ME.

I MEAN, THIS ISN'T
A NETWORK SHOW

WITH A BIG BUDGET AND A
BIG CREW AND TEAM JACKETS.

I GOT AN OLD BEAT-UP
VAN, ONE USED CAMERA,

AND A CREW THAT CONSISTS
OF ONE NYU FILM STUDENT.

WE DROVE UP TO THE
COMPANY. THEY LAUGHED AT US.

THAT'S HARDLY JUSTIFICATION
FOR PERSECUTING AN INNOCENT MAN.

WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK HE'S INNOCENT?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'S NOT?

IF THAT SHOW GOES ON THE AIR,

HE'LL NEVER HAVE A
CHANCE TO DEFEND HIMSELF.

I'LL BET "20/20" WOULD
LOVE TO HEAR A STORY

ABOUT HOW CHANNEL 27
RUINED A LITTLE BUTCHER'S LIFE.

YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

HEY, I GOT AN
OBLIGATION TO MY PUBLIC.

I GOT A RÉSUMÉ OVER THERE.

WELL, I'M SURE MR. DIAMOND

WOULD BE GLAD TO GIVE
YOU A PERSONAL REFERENCE.

YOU GUYS!

WHY DON'T WE JUST
FORGET THE WHOLE THING?

GENTLEMEN, I BID YOU GOOD DAY.

HEY, THANKS FOR TUNING IN.

REAL FUNNY.

ALL RIGHT, MR. DIAMOND.

OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- THANK YOU. CAPTAIN?
- HMM.

CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN?

- CAPTAIN, THANK YOU.
- A PLEASURE, MR. DIAMOND.

LISTEN, LISTEN, IF YOU
FELLAS EVER NEED ANY CHOPS

OR CORNED BEEF OR CHICKEN,
YOU COME TO MY PLACE.

IT'S ON THE HOUSE.

HEY, THANKS, BUT COPS AREN'T
ALLOWED TO ACCEPT GRATUITIES.

IT'S NOT KOSHER.

YOU ARE A MENSCH.

OH, INSPECTOR?

YEAH, BARN?

YOU, UH... HEADING OUT?

YEAH.

I FIGURE I WREAKED ENOUGH
HAVOC AROUND HERE FOR ONE DAY,

SO I THOUGHT I'D JUST WANDER ON
HOME BACK TO MY LITTLE APARTMENT

AND, UH, REFLECT.

INSPECTOR, LOOK, I, UH...

HEY, LISTEN. COME ON. DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THAT, BARNEY.

IT'S...

AND THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE THE
OLD INSPECTOR IN THIS UNIFORM,

THEY'LL BE PLANTING
HIM SIX FEET DEEP, HUH?

SO, UH, TRY AND COUGH
UP A FEW KIND WORDS, HUH?

HANG IN THERE, D.D.

- SEE YOU, INSPECTOR.
- SEE YOU AROUND, BARN.

SHIFT'S NOT OVER YET, INSPECTOR.

HUH?

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE
GLAD TO GET RID OF ME.

LOOK, I, UH...

I KNOW IN THE HEAT OF
THE MOMENT BACK THERE,

WE SAID SOME THINGS WHICH
WERE NOT EXACTLY PLEASANT.

I JUST... I JUST WANT
YOU TO KNOW THAT...

IF I CAME DOWN
HARD ON YOU, IT'S...

IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I GUESS
WE COME DOWN THE HARDEST

ON PEOPLE WE CARE
THE MOST ABOUT.

THANKS, BARN.

ME TOO.

NOW CAN I GO?

YEAH, SURE.

HUH?

EH, I TOLD YOU YOU
WERE AN OLD SOFTIE.

GOT'CHA.

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