Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 8, Episode 8 - The Tontine - full transcript
The survivor of a tontine attempts suicide so he can leave the money to his cousin.
- GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN.
- GOOD MORNING.
"MARTINIQUE." "BARBADOS."
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA
TAKE A LONG LUNCH?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
FOUND THIS IN MY JACKET
AS I CAME IN THIS MORNING.
IT'S LIZ'S WAY OF
DROPPING A HINT.
SUBTLE.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO?
WELL, ASIDE FROM THE FACT
THAT THESE LITTLE ISLAND HOPS
COST A SMALL FORTUNE,
WE'RE SHORT HANDED AGAIN,
CASE LOAD BACKUPS, PAPERWORK.
I CAN'T DUMP THIS
STUFF ON YOU GUYS.
HEY, THINGS WENT PRETTY
SMOOTH WHILE YOU WERE IN JAIL.
THANK YOU.
YOU WANT TO STEP RIGHT
INSIDE HERE, PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. FINE. FINE.
I MEAN, IF THEY ALL WANT TO
DIE, THAT'S NO SKIN OFF MY NOSE.
OH, GO ON.
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
UH, BARN, THIS IS
MR. LAWRENCE PRYNE.
WE PICKED HIM UP AT
SIEGELS DEPARTMENT STORE.
HE WAS HURLING OMELETS
INTO A CROWD OF SHOPPERS.
OMELETS? WHY?
EGGS, BUTTER, SAUSAGES.
I MEAN, I COULD ALMOST
HEAR ARTERIES HARDEN,
LIMBS GROWING NUMB,
PEOPLE GASPING FOR BREATH
AS THEY SLUMP TO
THE FLOOR, HELPLESS.
SEE, BARN, BRIAN IS
A CPR INSTRUCTOR...
CARDIOPULMONARY RESUSCITATION.
I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE PHRASE.
WELL, I'M GLAD SOMEBODY IS.
I MEAN, I AM SITTING THERE
IN MY LITTLE BOOTH, ALL ALONE,
HOPING TO TEACH PEOPLE A
PROCEDURE FOR SAVING LIVES.
BUT ALL THEY CARE
ABOUT IS FREE FOOD.
BARN, APPARENTLY THE
CROWD IGNORED MR. PRYNE,
OPTING TO ATTEND A NO-STICK
COOKWARE DEMONSTRATION
A FEW AISLES OVER.
YEAH, SO HE ATTACKED IT.
HE STARTED THROWING EGGS
AND CHEESE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I JUST WANTED TO
GET THEIR ATTENTION.
WELL, TO LET THEM KNOW I CARE.
THAT'S VERY ADMIRABLE
OF YOU, MR. PRYNE,
BUT I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO BOOK YOU ANYWAY.
HARRIS.
COME ON, BARNEY. HAVE A HEART.
LAWRENCE, DO YOU
WANT TO PICK A SEAT
RIGHT OVER HERE, PLEASE?
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO WITH HER?
GET HER STATEMENT.
SHE DIDN'T THROW ANYTHING.
BARNEY, WE GOT A
JUMPER ON McDOUGAL.
OH, WONDERFUL. UM, YOU AND WOJO.
HERE YOU GO.
KEEP YOU COMPANY.
THANK YOU.
YOU TWO WOULD LOOK
GREAT TOGETHER ON A BEACH.
- GET OUT OF HERE.
- JUST KEEPING IT ALIVE.
DON'T YOU SEE, SERGEANT?
EVERY DAY IN THE PAPERS
YOU READ ABOUT
SOMEBODY COLLAPSING
IN A RESTAURANT OR
ON A SUBWAY PLATFORM
AND DYING NEEDLESSLY
ONLY BECAUSE NOBODY STOPPED
AND TOOK THE TIME TO LEARN CPR.
UH-HUH.
AND IT IS A VERY
SIMPLE TECHNIQUE.
I MEAN, WE COULD
TEACH YOU IN NO TIME.
OH?
SURE. I MEAN, I'LL JUST LIE HER
DOWN ON THE FLOOR FOR YOU...
POSITION YOU PROPERLY
OVER HER BODY,
SHOW YOU THE CORRECT
PLACEMENT OF YOUR HANDS,
AND HOW TO OPEN HER...
SHOULDN'T I TAKE
HER TO DINNER FIRST?
SORRY.
MAIL CALL.
SERGEANT HARRIS.
SERGEANT HARRIS.
NOTHING FOR YOU, DEAR.
SIR, ASSORTED
INTERDEPARTMENTAL MEMORANDA
AND YOUR HICKORY FARMS CATALOG.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS
ADDRESSED TO "OCCUPANT."
I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
ENJOY FLIPPING THROUGH IT
DURING YOUR LEISURE TIME.
THANK YOU, LEVITT.
I LIKE THE CHEESE
KISSES ON PAGE 10.
I'LL BEAR THAT IN MIND.
ANYTHING ELSE?
APPARENTLY NOT, SIR.
OH.
"OH," SIR?
I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOUR MEDAL.
THE ONE OF VALOR, SIR?
ALL THE PAPERWORK IS DONE.
THE ONLY THING HOLDING
IT UP ARE WITNESSES.
WITNESSES?
WE NEED AFFIDAVITS
FROM WITNESSES,
AND NONE OF THEM HAVE
BEEN TOO COOPERATIVE SO FAR.
BUT THEY WERE ALL APPLAUDING.
IT WAS A MONTH AGO.
PEOPLE TEND TO FORGET.
SOMEONE EVEN GAVE ME A DOLLAR.
LEVITT, I'M DOING
THE BEST I CAN.
AS SOON AS SOME OF THOSE
PEOPLE COME THROUGH,
I WILL TAKE THAT
DOWNTOWN MYSELF.
I APPRECIATE THAT, SIR.
AS LONG AS WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT ME,
WHAT'S WITH PLAIN CLOTHES?
LEVITT!
IT'S WORTH A SHOT.
THROUGH HERE, MR. MERCURIO.
OH, THANK GOD.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M NOT SURE. LET
ME CATCH MY BREATH.
IS THIS OUR JUMPER?
YEAH, THIS IS... HENRY MERCURIO.
MR. MERCURIO,
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
YOU GOT A GLASS OF WATER?
Dietrich: I GOT IT.
HE'S KIND OF POOPED.
I NOTICED.
WHEN WE GOT THERE, HE
WAS STANDING ON A LEDGE
ON THE THIRD FLOOR.
THE ELEVATOR WAS
OUT. BEST I COULD DO.
HE TOLD US HE SINCERELY
WANTED TO JUMP,
BUT HE WAS AFRAID HE WASN'T
HIGH ENOUGH TO DO HIMSELF IN.
I FIGURED I'D CRACK
THREE RIBS, TOPS.
WE PROMISED TO HIM
IF HE'D STEP INSIDE,
WE'D HELP HIM UP TO THE ROOF.
HEY, I'M QUICK.
CAPTAIN, I KNOW YOU
ONLY WANT TO HELP.
I'M SORRY IF I'VE
CAUSED YOU TROUBLE.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, MR. MERCURIO.
IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'LL GO NOW.
OH, NO, NO.
I-I PROMISED JOSEPH I'D BE
DEAD BEFORE THE BANKS CLOSE.
WHO'S JOSEPH?
HIS COUSIN.
HE WON THE CHESS GAME.
WHAT CHESS GAME?
THE GAME WE PLAYED TO
SEE WHO'D GET THE MONEY.
WHAT MONEY?
THE MONEY FROM THE TONTINE.
TONTINE?
ALL RIGHT.
TONTINE IS BASICALLY
AN ARCHAIC FORM
OF LIFE INSURANCE.
A GROUP OF SUBSCRIBERS,
WHO ARE USUALLY
FROM THE SAME FAMILY,
POOL THEIR MONEY
AND BUYS EQUAL SHARES.
THEN THE YEARS PASS BY,
PEOPLE START DYING OFF,
AND FINALLY THE LAST
REMAINING SURVIVOR
COLLECTS THE ENTIRE POT.
REALLY?
WELL, THAT'S WHAT DIETRICH SAID.
YOU WANT TO START ONE?
DON'T MAKE JOKES.
IT'S TRADITION.
I TAKE IT YOU AND YOUR
COUSIN ARE THE LAST SURVIVORS?
FOR THE TIME BEING.
MR. MERCURIO,
YOU CAN'T GO AROUND SOLVING
YOUR FINANCIAL PROBLEMS
BY THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY.
REALLY?
LOOK, CAPTAIN, DO YOU
SEE A YOUNG MAN HERE?
I'M 66.
I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD, AND
JOEY DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.
WE FIGURED BETTER ONE
OF US SHOULD GET THE 3,000
WHILE HE HAS A
CHANCE TO ENJOY IT.
MR. MERCURIO, SUICIDE IS
NOT AN ACCEPTABLE SOLUTION,
NOT TO MENTION THE FACT IT
HAPPENS TO BE AGAINST THE LAW.
OH.
DOES THAT MEAN I CAN'T LEAVE?
FOR WHAT?
BUT I HAVE AN OBLIGATION.
SO DO WE.
DIETRICH, SEE IF YOU
CAN FIND HIS COUSIN.
I CAN DO THAT.
ANYBODY ELSE?
THEY'RE ALL DEAD.
GOOD POINT.
YES? CAN I HELP YOU?
DON'T YOU PEOPLE
HAVE AN ELEVATOR?
YOU MUST BE HIS COUSIN.
HENRY!
JOEY!
SO, WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU'RE NOT DEAD.
I'M SORRY. THEY PULLED ME IN.
OH, JUST LIKE THAT, HUH?
OH, COME ON. I FEEL BAD ENOUGH.
LOOK, I'M NOT MAD.
YOU'LL TRY AGAIN.
IT'S NOT EASY. SURE, IT IS.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE
AND YOU WANTED
TO RIDE A BICYCLE?
WELL, YOU GOT ON, YOU FELL
OFF, YOU GOT ON, YOU FELL OFF.
THIS IS JUST LIKE
THAT, ONLY HIGHER.
EXCUSE ME. I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
MISTER... JOSEPH
SPIDONIE. A PLEASURE.
I ASSUME YOU KNOW WHY
YOUR COUSIN WAS BROUGHT IN.
OH, SURE, YEAH. HE
WANTED TO KILL HIMSELF.
AND YOU WOULD
JUST LET HIM DO IT?
CAPTAIN, I LOVE THIS
MAN LIKE A BROTHER.
I WOULD NEVER STAND IN HIS WAY.
THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS!
BUT MR. SHARP SAYS THAT'S
THE WAY IT'S GOT TO BE.
WHO'S MR. SHARP?
THE LAWYER WHO
HANDLES THE TONTINE.
WE MET HIM AT UNCLE
DOMINIC'S FUNERAL.
DOMINIC WAS IN THIS,
TOO. GOD REST HIS SOUL.
ANYWAY, MR. SHARP CAME
OVER TO US AFTER THE PARTY
AND GAVE US HIS CARD... HERE...
AND SAID THAT ONE OF US
SHOULD GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM
AFTER THE NEXT FUNERAL,
BECAUSE WHOEVER'S LEFT
WOULD BE THE
BENEFICIARY OF THE TONTINE.
IT WAS VERY EXCITING.
YES, WE HAD COFFEE
AND THOUGHT ABOUT SOME
OF THE THINGS HENRY OR I
WOULD BE ABLE TO
BUY WITH THE MONEY,
LIKE AN ELECTRIC
BLANKET, A HEAVY SWEATER.
MAYBE EVEN A WEEK IN MIAMI.
YEAH, YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO WARM.
I-I SYMPATHIZE WITH
YOUR PROBLEM, BUT...
WELL... OH. THEN
HENRY CAN GO NOW?
NO!
DIETRICH, GET ON THE PHONE.
GET THIS SHARP GUY DOWN HERE.
I'M NOT DEAD YET!
LOOK, MR. MERCURIO, FORGET IT!
UH, BARN, IT'S LIZ, LINE 2.
OH, WONDERFUL.
UH, HE SAID, "WONDERFUL."
LOOK, CAPTAIN, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
LOOK, MR. SPIDONIE...
RIGHT THIS WAY, FOLKS.
THIS IS EXCITING.
HAVE A SEAT, MA'AM.
WHAT A DUMP.
YOU SAID THERE'D
BE ENTERTAINMENT.
SIR, THIS IS MR. MARKEN,
MR. ROSELLE,
AND THIS IS MRS. EDNA SLIGMAN.
I'VE LOST WEIGHT.
LEVITT, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
WITNESSES, SIR. JUST
MY WAY OF PITCHING IN.
UH, BARN, YOU WANT ME TO
TELL LIZ YOU'LL CALL HER BACK?
IS THIS FOR ANYBODY?
HEY! NOW, YOU LEAVE HER ALONE.
YOU TOUCH HER AGAIN,
AND I'LL CUT YOUR HEART OUT.
KEEP IT DOWN, MR. PRYNE.
WELL, YOU TELL THE SCUM
TO KEEP HIS HANDS OFF HER!
TAKE IT EASY, WILL YOU?
NOBODY'S GONNA HURT YOUR DUMMY!
SHE'S NOT A DUMMY!
SHE'S JUST A LITTLE
QUIET AROUND STRANGERS.
OH! NOW SHE LOOKS SAD.
SEE THAT? SHE'S HYSTERICAL!
CAN'T YOU SEE SHE NEEDS ME?! OH!
VICKI, VICKI, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M... I'M RIGHT
HERE... RIGHT OVER...
WILL YOU BRING ME MY VICKI?!
I WANT MY VICKI!
THERE'S ENTERTAINMENT.
YEAH, LIZ, I'M...
I'M SURE THERE'S A
"BAHAMAS ON A BUDGET" PLAN,
BUT I JUST DON'T HAVE
TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW.
I'M NOT TRYING TO PUT YOU OFF.
SIR, IF YOU NEED ME,
I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
NO, NO, NO! NOT YOU.
LIZ, PLEASE, CAN
I CALL YOU BACK?
I PROMISE.
RIGHT. OKAY.
LITTLE WOMAN GETTING
ON YOUR NERVES, SIR?
LEVITT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY BRINGING PEOPLE DOWN
HERE WITHOUT TELLING ME?
IT SEEMED LIKE A SLOW DAY.
OF COURSE, I'M NOT
UP HERE THAT MUCH.
LEVITT!
I CAN TAKE A HINT. I'LL
JUST SEND THEM ON HOME.
GOOD.
AFTER ALL, I ONLY
RETRIEVED A SMALL BOY
FROM A DANGLING SCAFFOLD.
LEVITT...
A YOUNG LAD, WHOSE LIFE WAS
NOT CUT OFF AT THE AGE OF 10,
WHO CAN NOW GROW
UP TO BE A DOCTOR
OR PRESIDENT
OR EVEN POLICE
CAPTAIN, JUST LIKE YOU.
YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I KNOW I GOT US INTO
THIS, BUT I PROMISE,
I WILL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
YEAH. YES, I KNOW THIS IS
AN ICKY, STICKY, STINKY PLACE,
BUT AS SOON AS WE GET HOME,
I WILL RUN A TUB,
AND THEN WE CAN HAVE A
NICE HOT BATH TOGETHER, OKAY?
WHAT?
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S MY TURN TO
TAKE THE END WITH THE FAUCET.
SHE SEEMS VERY NICE.
SHE IS.
GOES OUT ANYWHERE?
- WE HELPED OURSELVES.
- FINE.
I'M TAKING SOME
OF YOUR Sweet'N Low.
MY SISTER'S DIABETIC.
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING DOWN HERE,
ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE DAY LIKE THIS.
OH, I'M UNEMPLOYED.
BUT I USED TO
WORK... IN A GIFT SHOP.
WE SOLD STUFF LIKE SOAP CARVINGS
AND DRIFTWOOD SPICE RACKS
AND GARY COLEMAN POSTERS AND...
YOU KNOW, HE'S BACK NOW?
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT.
WHY DON'T WE ALL
STEP INTO MY OFFICE?
I'LL GET YOU OUT OF
HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
CAN I BRING THIS?
WHY NOT?
SIR, YOU THINK THOSE
THREE ARE SUFFICIENT?
MORE THAN ENOUGH.
I TRUST EVERYONE IS COMFORTABLE.
NO. I'VE GOT THIS PIN IN MY HIP.
WHY DON'T WE START
WITH YOU, MRS. SLIGMAN?
THAT'LL BE FINE.
OKAY.
ARE YOU TAPING THIS?
OF COURSE NOT.
WHAT I MEAN IS, IF I
SAY ANYTHING WRONG,
CAN IT BE USED AGAINST
ME AT SOME FUTURE DATE?
MRS. SLIGMAN, ALL
WE WANT YOU TO DO
IS DESCRIBE WHAT YOU
SAW OFFICER LEVITT DO
ON THE DAY IN QUESTION
IN YOUR OWN WORDS.
ALL RIGHT?
MRS. SLIGMAN.
I WAS ON MY WAY HOME
FROM THE DOCTOR'S
WHEN I SAW THESE KIDS
PLAYING IN THAT NEW BUILDING
THAT'S GOING UP
ACROSS THE STREET.
OKAY.
WHAT IS IT WITH
PARENTS THESE DAYS?
THEY LEAVE THEIR KIDS
RUN AROUND ALL AFTERNOON
BY THEMSELVES
WITHOUT ANY SUPERVISION.
THEY WERE BARELY 10 YEARS OLD.
MRS. SLIGMAN... I
RAISED A SON, CAPTAIN,
AND I WAS CAREFUL
TO BE LOVING BUT FIRM.
IN 42 YEARS,
I NEVER HAD ONE OUNCE
OF TROUBLE WITH THAT BOY.
HE STILL LIVES WITH ME.
REALLY?
SO, YOU HEADED FOR
THE TROPICS, CAPTAIN?
WHAT?
I FOUND THIS ON YOUR DESK.
MR. MARKEN...
OF COURSE, TO REALLY
DO THE ISLANDS RIGHT,
YOU NEED ABOUT TWO WEEKS.
AND TWO WEEKS IS
ALL THE TIME WE NEED
TO RID YOUR HOUSE OF THOSE
UGLY, EMBARRASSING, NASTY ROACHES,
WHICH CAN MAKE YOUR
LIFE SUCH A LIVING HELL.
I'M AN EXTERMINATOR.
WE DON'T HAVE
ROACHES, MR. MARKEN.
SURE, YOU DON'T.
LOOK, CAN WE GET
ON WITH THIS, PLEASE?!
SO, YOUR KID GAY OR WHAT?
YES, SIR?
HORACE SHARP.
BERGEN, LASH, MORRIS, AND YOUNG.
OH, YEAH. I GOT
ALL THEIR ALBUMS.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO, MR. SHARP.
OH, MR. SPIDONIE, MR. MERCURIO.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
I LOST CHESS GAME.
WELL, HOLY MOLY.
YES?
THE ATTORNEY'S HERE.
OH, THANK GOD. EXCUSE ME.
CAN I SIT IN YOUR CHAIR?
MR. SHARP, I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
HORACE SHARP. I'M
A VERY BUSY MAN.
YEAH, WELL, MR. SHARP,
ACCORDING TO THESE GENTLEMEN,
YOUR FIRM REPRESENTS
THEIR FAMILY'S TONTINE?
MM-HMM.
YOU SEE, IN 1933, THEIR
GREAT-UNCLE CARMINE
ENTRUSTED IT TO ONE
OF OUR FOUNDERS.
IT PASSED THROUGH SEVERAL
PARTNERS OVER THE YEARS
UNTIL 1978, WHEN SOMEBODY
DUMPED IT ON MY DESK.
YEAH, WELL, I THINK
YOU SHOULD BE AWARE
THAT MR. MERCURIO OVER HERE
TRIED TO COMMIT
SUICIDE THIS MORNING
SO HIS COUSIN
COULD GET THE MONEY.
YOU MUST BE QUITE FOND OF HIM.
I AM.
THAT'S NICE.
OF COURSE, CAPTAIN, MY
FIRM COULD NOT POSSIBLY
BE HELD CULPABLE
FOR SUCH AN ACTION.
HOWEVER, THAT WOULD TIDY
THINGS UP RATHER NICELY.
THAT SETTLES THAT.
CAPTAIN, I'M GLAD TO
HAVE BEEN OF SERVICE.
WELL, HOLD ON THERE
A MINUTE, MR. SHARP.
YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA WALK
OUT OF HERE AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.
- Sharp: YES.
- HUH?
CAPTAIN, I'M MERELY PRESERVING
THE CONDITIONS OF THE TONTINE,
WHICH ARE, I SHOULD POINT OUT,
QUITE INFLEXIBLE.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST HAVE THEM SPLIT IT?
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I SAID SO.
ACTUALLY, THAT WOULD
CONSTITUTE A BREACH OF CONTRACT
AND DEFEAT THE
PURPOSE OF THE TONTINE,
TO SAY NOTHING OF MAKING
A RATHER NASTY BLOTCH
ON MY RECORD.
OH, WELL, NOW, WE CAN'T
HAVE THAT NOW, CAN WE?
NO, AND WE SHAN'T HAVE
THAT NOW, SHALL WE?
BARN.
MR. SHARP, LOOK.
FOR THE SAKE OF ALL CONCERNED,
I THINK WE BETTER
START WORKING ON
SOME SUITABLE COMPROMISE.
CAPTAIN, THERE IS NO COMPROMISE.
THEN LET'S FIND ONE,
BECAUSE I'M NOT ABOUT
TO TURN THIS MAN LOOSE
JUST SO HE CAN
JUMP OFF A BUILDING
SO THAT HIS COUSIN HERE CAN
BUY A COUPLE OF LOUSY SWEATERS
AND AN ELECTRIC BLANKET.
OH, THAT'S PRECIOUS.
700,000, AND ALL HE WANTS IS A
ROMP THROUGH WOOLWORTH'S.
HUH?
WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S
ON OUR TONTINE?
WE ONLY PUT IN 200 BUCKS
APIECE, DIDN'T WE, JOEY?
RIGHT.
WELL, WE DIDN'T JUST SEW UP
THE MONEY IN A MATTRESS, FELLAS.
YOU DIDN'T?
IN FACT, WE INVESTED
IT RATHER SHREWDLY...
REAL ESTATE, OIL, OF COURSE.
WE BOUGHT IN ON THE GROUND
FLOOR OF BOEING AND IBM,
A LINEN SERVICE.
HEY, NOW YOU'RE
TALKING REAL MONEY.
YOU BET YOUR BOOTS.
YOU HEAR THAT,
JOEY? YOU'RE RICH.
- SWELL.
- BARNEY!
CAPTAIN!
DIETRICH, GET AN AMBULANCE.
WOJO, LET'S LAY HIM
DOWN OVER HERE.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
HEY, LET ME OUT!
I DON'T THINK HE'S
BREATHING, BARNEY.
COME ON! LET ME OUT!
HE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK!
YEAH, LET HIM OUT.
- THE GUY'S CRAZY.
- SO?
JUST GIVE ME SOME ROOM.
PLEASE DON'T DIE,
JOEY. IT'S NOT FAIR.
WELL... LOOKS LIKE
WE HAVE A WINNER.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HE SEEMS TO BE DOING OKAY.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ACTUALLY
VERY LUCKY YOU HAD HIM HERE.
- HARRIS?
- HMM?
WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
DO YOU REALIZE THAT
IN THIS ENTIRE PRECINCT,
THERE IS NOT ONE TEA BAG?
WELL, CAPTAIN, I SUPPOSE THERE'S
NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO HERE,
SO I GUESS I'LL
JUST BE ON MY WAY.
WHAT ABOUT THE
TONTINE, MR. SHARP?
DIDN'T WE GO THROUGH THIS?
THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING
YOU CAN DO FOR THESE PEOPLE.
I MEAN, GIVE THEM PART
OF IT OR AN ALLOWANCE.
WHY DON'T YOU LET ONE OF
THEM BACK OUT OF THE DAMN THING
SO THE OTHER ONE
CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM?
CAPTAIN, PLEASE.
IT IS NOT MY PLACE TO CORRUPT
THE INTEGRITY OF THE TONTINE,
NOR DISREGARD THE
WISHES OF AN ENTIRE FAMILY.
THIS IS THE ENTIRE FAMILY.
THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, I SUPPOSE I COULD TAKE
THE MATTER UNDER ADVISEMENT.
THANK YOU. I WOULD
APPRECIATE THAT.
- GOODBYE, CAPTAIN.
- GOODBYE.
GENTLEMEN, I'LL BE IN TOUCH.
WHY?
WE'RE NOT GOING
ANYWHERE. ARE WE, JOEY?
I AIN'T GOT NO PLANS.
AGAIN, ADIEU.
OKEY DOKEY, MR. SPIDONIE.
WE'RE GONNA GET GOING NOW.
CAN HENRY COME WITH ME?
CAPTAIN?
HEY, I'LL TAKE HIM DOWN.
I GOT TO GO TO BELLEVUE, ANYWAY.
OKAY.
THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
YOU TAKE CARE OF
YOURSELF NOW, MR. MERCURIO.
YES, SIR.
OKAY, MR. MERCURIO, LET'S GO.
THANK YOU.
OH, MORE STAIRS.
DID YOU SEE ME?
I MEAN, DID... DID
YOU SEE WHAT I DID?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT WAS BORING?
OH, SURE.
WELL, YOU GET IT ALL THE TIME.
UH, BARN,
I'M GONNA RUN STEVE AND
EYDIE OVER TO MANHATTAN SOUTH.
MR. PRYNE...
YOU'RE GONNA GO WITH
SERGEANT HARRIS NOW.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW WE REALLY
APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU DID.
OH, SURE. IT WAS OUR PLEASURE.
UH, LARRY, LET'S GO.
COME ON, SWEETIE.
OH, VICKI CAN GO TOO, HUH?
OH, CERTAINLY.
UH, WE'LL SEE TO IT THAT
YOU TWO CAN BUNK TOGETHER.
OH, THANKS. WE APPRECIATE THAT.
SURE.
OH, CAN... CAN WE
GET A PRIVATE CELL?
OH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
GONNA BE ANY PROBLEM.
UH, BARNEY, YOUR
WIFE'S ON LINE 2.
I'LL TAKE IT IN MY OFFICE.
IF YOU DON'T NEED ME,
I'M GONNA GO HOME, OKAY?
YEAH, SURE. GOOD NIGHT NOW.
GOOD NIGHT.
YOU AND LIZ DECIDE WHERE YOU'RE
GONNA GO ON YOUR VACATION?
THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT
THAT CALL IS ABOUT.
YOU MIGHT THINK ABOUT
THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE.
ONE CAN REALLY
LOSE ONESELF THERE.
HELLO, CAPTAIN.
I'M AFRAID WE HAD A LITTLE
ACCIDENT WITH YOUR CHAIR.
ALL IT NEEDS IS A COUPLE
OF SCREWS, I SWEAR TO GOD.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO, LIZ.
ANYWHERE.
- GOOD MORNING.
"MARTINIQUE." "BARBADOS."
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA
TAKE A LONG LUNCH?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
FOUND THIS IN MY JACKET
AS I CAME IN THIS MORNING.
IT'S LIZ'S WAY OF
DROPPING A HINT.
SUBTLE.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO?
WELL, ASIDE FROM THE FACT
THAT THESE LITTLE ISLAND HOPS
COST A SMALL FORTUNE,
WE'RE SHORT HANDED AGAIN,
CASE LOAD BACKUPS, PAPERWORK.
I CAN'T DUMP THIS
STUFF ON YOU GUYS.
HEY, THINGS WENT PRETTY
SMOOTH WHILE YOU WERE IN JAIL.
THANK YOU.
YOU WANT TO STEP RIGHT
INSIDE HERE, PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. FINE. FINE.
I MEAN, IF THEY ALL WANT TO
DIE, THAT'S NO SKIN OFF MY NOSE.
OH, GO ON.
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
UH, BARN, THIS IS
MR. LAWRENCE PRYNE.
WE PICKED HIM UP AT
SIEGELS DEPARTMENT STORE.
HE WAS HURLING OMELETS
INTO A CROWD OF SHOPPERS.
OMELETS? WHY?
EGGS, BUTTER, SAUSAGES.
I MEAN, I COULD ALMOST
HEAR ARTERIES HARDEN,
LIMBS GROWING NUMB,
PEOPLE GASPING FOR BREATH
AS THEY SLUMP TO
THE FLOOR, HELPLESS.
SEE, BARN, BRIAN IS
A CPR INSTRUCTOR...
CARDIOPULMONARY RESUSCITATION.
I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE PHRASE.
WELL, I'M GLAD SOMEBODY IS.
I MEAN, I AM SITTING THERE
IN MY LITTLE BOOTH, ALL ALONE,
HOPING TO TEACH PEOPLE A
PROCEDURE FOR SAVING LIVES.
BUT ALL THEY CARE
ABOUT IS FREE FOOD.
BARN, APPARENTLY THE
CROWD IGNORED MR. PRYNE,
OPTING TO ATTEND A NO-STICK
COOKWARE DEMONSTRATION
A FEW AISLES OVER.
YEAH, SO HE ATTACKED IT.
HE STARTED THROWING EGGS
AND CHEESE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I JUST WANTED TO
GET THEIR ATTENTION.
WELL, TO LET THEM KNOW I CARE.
THAT'S VERY ADMIRABLE
OF YOU, MR. PRYNE,
BUT I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO BOOK YOU ANYWAY.
HARRIS.
COME ON, BARNEY. HAVE A HEART.
LAWRENCE, DO YOU
WANT TO PICK A SEAT
RIGHT OVER HERE, PLEASE?
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO WITH HER?
GET HER STATEMENT.
SHE DIDN'T THROW ANYTHING.
BARNEY, WE GOT A
JUMPER ON McDOUGAL.
OH, WONDERFUL. UM, YOU AND WOJO.
HERE YOU GO.
KEEP YOU COMPANY.
THANK YOU.
YOU TWO WOULD LOOK
GREAT TOGETHER ON A BEACH.
- GET OUT OF HERE.
- JUST KEEPING IT ALIVE.
DON'T YOU SEE, SERGEANT?
EVERY DAY IN THE PAPERS
YOU READ ABOUT
SOMEBODY COLLAPSING
IN A RESTAURANT OR
ON A SUBWAY PLATFORM
AND DYING NEEDLESSLY
ONLY BECAUSE NOBODY STOPPED
AND TOOK THE TIME TO LEARN CPR.
UH-HUH.
AND IT IS A VERY
SIMPLE TECHNIQUE.
I MEAN, WE COULD
TEACH YOU IN NO TIME.
OH?
SURE. I MEAN, I'LL JUST LIE HER
DOWN ON THE FLOOR FOR YOU...
POSITION YOU PROPERLY
OVER HER BODY,
SHOW YOU THE CORRECT
PLACEMENT OF YOUR HANDS,
AND HOW TO OPEN HER...
SHOULDN'T I TAKE
HER TO DINNER FIRST?
SORRY.
MAIL CALL.
SERGEANT HARRIS.
SERGEANT HARRIS.
NOTHING FOR YOU, DEAR.
SIR, ASSORTED
INTERDEPARTMENTAL MEMORANDA
AND YOUR HICKORY FARMS CATALOG.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS
ADDRESSED TO "OCCUPANT."
I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
ENJOY FLIPPING THROUGH IT
DURING YOUR LEISURE TIME.
THANK YOU, LEVITT.
I LIKE THE CHEESE
KISSES ON PAGE 10.
I'LL BEAR THAT IN MIND.
ANYTHING ELSE?
APPARENTLY NOT, SIR.
OH.
"OH," SIR?
I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOUR MEDAL.
THE ONE OF VALOR, SIR?
ALL THE PAPERWORK IS DONE.
THE ONLY THING HOLDING
IT UP ARE WITNESSES.
WITNESSES?
WE NEED AFFIDAVITS
FROM WITNESSES,
AND NONE OF THEM HAVE
BEEN TOO COOPERATIVE SO FAR.
BUT THEY WERE ALL APPLAUDING.
IT WAS A MONTH AGO.
PEOPLE TEND TO FORGET.
SOMEONE EVEN GAVE ME A DOLLAR.
LEVITT, I'M DOING
THE BEST I CAN.
AS SOON AS SOME OF THOSE
PEOPLE COME THROUGH,
I WILL TAKE THAT
DOWNTOWN MYSELF.
I APPRECIATE THAT, SIR.
AS LONG AS WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT ME,
WHAT'S WITH PLAIN CLOTHES?
LEVITT!
IT'S WORTH A SHOT.
THROUGH HERE, MR. MERCURIO.
OH, THANK GOD.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M NOT SURE. LET
ME CATCH MY BREATH.
IS THIS OUR JUMPER?
YEAH, THIS IS... HENRY MERCURIO.
MR. MERCURIO,
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
YOU GOT A GLASS OF WATER?
Dietrich: I GOT IT.
HE'S KIND OF POOPED.
I NOTICED.
WHEN WE GOT THERE, HE
WAS STANDING ON A LEDGE
ON THE THIRD FLOOR.
THE ELEVATOR WAS
OUT. BEST I COULD DO.
HE TOLD US HE SINCERELY
WANTED TO JUMP,
BUT HE WAS AFRAID HE WASN'T
HIGH ENOUGH TO DO HIMSELF IN.
I FIGURED I'D CRACK
THREE RIBS, TOPS.
WE PROMISED TO HIM
IF HE'D STEP INSIDE,
WE'D HELP HIM UP TO THE ROOF.
HEY, I'M QUICK.
CAPTAIN, I KNOW YOU
ONLY WANT TO HELP.
I'M SORRY IF I'VE
CAUSED YOU TROUBLE.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, MR. MERCURIO.
IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'LL GO NOW.
OH, NO, NO.
I-I PROMISED JOSEPH I'D BE
DEAD BEFORE THE BANKS CLOSE.
WHO'S JOSEPH?
HIS COUSIN.
HE WON THE CHESS GAME.
WHAT CHESS GAME?
THE GAME WE PLAYED TO
SEE WHO'D GET THE MONEY.
WHAT MONEY?
THE MONEY FROM THE TONTINE.
TONTINE?
ALL RIGHT.
TONTINE IS BASICALLY
AN ARCHAIC FORM
OF LIFE INSURANCE.
A GROUP OF SUBSCRIBERS,
WHO ARE USUALLY
FROM THE SAME FAMILY,
POOL THEIR MONEY
AND BUYS EQUAL SHARES.
THEN THE YEARS PASS BY,
PEOPLE START DYING OFF,
AND FINALLY THE LAST
REMAINING SURVIVOR
COLLECTS THE ENTIRE POT.
REALLY?
WELL, THAT'S WHAT DIETRICH SAID.
YOU WANT TO START ONE?
DON'T MAKE JOKES.
IT'S TRADITION.
I TAKE IT YOU AND YOUR
COUSIN ARE THE LAST SURVIVORS?
FOR THE TIME BEING.
MR. MERCURIO,
YOU CAN'T GO AROUND SOLVING
YOUR FINANCIAL PROBLEMS
BY THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY.
REALLY?
LOOK, CAPTAIN, DO YOU
SEE A YOUNG MAN HERE?
I'M 66.
I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD, AND
JOEY DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.
WE FIGURED BETTER ONE
OF US SHOULD GET THE 3,000
WHILE HE HAS A
CHANCE TO ENJOY IT.
MR. MERCURIO, SUICIDE IS
NOT AN ACCEPTABLE SOLUTION,
NOT TO MENTION THE FACT IT
HAPPENS TO BE AGAINST THE LAW.
OH.
DOES THAT MEAN I CAN'T LEAVE?
FOR WHAT?
BUT I HAVE AN OBLIGATION.
SO DO WE.
DIETRICH, SEE IF YOU
CAN FIND HIS COUSIN.
I CAN DO THAT.
ANYBODY ELSE?
THEY'RE ALL DEAD.
GOOD POINT.
YES? CAN I HELP YOU?
DON'T YOU PEOPLE
HAVE AN ELEVATOR?
YOU MUST BE HIS COUSIN.
HENRY!
JOEY!
SO, WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU'RE NOT DEAD.
I'M SORRY. THEY PULLED ME IN.
OH, JUST LIKE THAT, HUH?
OH, COME ON. I FEEL BAD ENOUGH.
LOOK, I'M NOT MAD.
YOU'LL TRY AGAIN.
IT'S NOT EASY. SURE, IT IS.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE
AND YOU WANTED
TO RIDE A BICYCLE?
WELL, YOU GOT ON, YOU FELL
OFF, YOU GOT ON, YOU FELL OFF.
THIS IS JUST LIKE
THAT, ONLY HIGHER.
EXCUSE ME. I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
MISTER... JOSEPH
SPIDONIE. A PLEASURE.
I ASSUME YOU KNOW WHY
YOUR COUSIN WAS BROUGHT IN.
OH, SURE, YEAH. HE
WANTED TO KILL HIMSELF.
AND YOU WOULD
JUST LET HIM DO IT?
CAPTAIN, I LOVE THIS
MAN LIKE A BROTHER.
I WOULD NEVER STAND IN HIS WAY.
THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS!
BUT MR. SHARP SAYS THAT'S
THE WAY IT'S GOT TO BE.
WHO'S MR. SHARP?
THE LAWYER WHO
HANDLES THE TONTINE.
WE MET HIM AT UNCLE
DOMINIC'S FUNERAL.
DOMINIC WAS IN THIS,
TOO. GOD REST HIS SOUL.
ANYWAY, MR. SHARP CAME
OVER TO US AFTER THE PARTY
AND GAVE US HIS CARD... HERE...
AND SAID THAT ONE OF US
SHOULD GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM
AFTER THE NEXT FUNERAL,
BECAUSE WHOEVER'S LEFT
WOULD BE THE
BENEFICIARY OF THE TONTINE.
IT WAS VERY EXCITING.
YES, WE HAD COFFEE
AND THOUGHT ABOUT SOME
OF THE THINGS HENRY OR I
WOULD BE ABLE TO
BUY WITH THE MONEY,
LIKE AN ELECTRIC
BLANKET, A HEAVY SWEATER.
MAYBE EVEN A WEEK IN MIAMI.
YEAH, YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO WARM.
I-I SYMPATHIZE WITH
YOUR PROBLEM, BUT...
WELL... OH. THEN
HENRY CAN GO NOW?
NO!
DIETRICH, GET ON THE PHONE.
GET THIS SHARP GUY DOWN HERE.
I'M NOT DEAD YET!
LOOK, MR. MERCURIO, FORGET IT!
UH, BARN, IT'S LIZ, LINE 2.
OH, WONDERFUL.
UH, HE SAID, "WONDERFUL."
LOOK, CAPTAIN, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
LOOK, MR. SPIDONIE...
RIGHT THIS WAY, FOLKS.
THIS IS EXCITING.
HAVE A SEAT, MA'AM.
WHAT A DUMP.
YOU SAID THERE'D
BE ENTERTAINMENT.
SIR, THIS IS MR. MARKEN,
MR. ROSELLE,
AND THIS IS MRS. EDNA SLIGMAN.
I'VE LOST WEIGHT.
LEVITT, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
WITNESSES, SIR. JUST
MY WAY OF PITCHING IN.
UH, BARN, YOU WANT ME TO
TELL LIZ YOU'LL CALL HER BACK?
IS THIS FOR ANYBODY?
HEY! NOW, YOU LEAVE HER ALONE.
YOU TOUCH HER AGAIN,
AND I'LL CUT YOUR HEART OUT.
KEEP IT DOWN, MR. PRYNE.
WELL, YOU TELL THE SCUM
TO KEEP HIS HANDS OFF HER!
TAKE IT EASY, WILL YOU?
NOBODY'S GONNA HURT YOUR DUMMY!
SHE'S NOT A DUMMY!
SHE'S JUST A LITTLE
QUIET AROUND STRANGERS.
OH! NOW SHE LOOKS SAD.
SEE THAT? SHE'S HYSTERICAL!
CAN'T YOU SEE SHE NEEDS ME?! OH!
VICKI, VICKI, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M... I'M RIGHT
HERE... RIGHT OVER...
WILL YOU BRING ME MY VICKI?!
I WANT MY VICKI!
THERE'S ENTERTAINMENT.
YEAH, LIZ, I'M...
I'M SURE THERE'S A
"BAHAMAS ON A BUDGET" PLAN,
BUT I JUST DON'T HAVE
TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW.
I'M NOT TRYING TO PUT YOU OFF.
SIR, IF YOU NEED ME,
I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
NO, NO, NO! NOT YOU.
LIZ, PLEASE, CAN
I CALL YOU BACK?
I PROMISE.
RIGHT. OKAY.
LITTLE WOMAN GETTING
ON YOUR NERVES, SIR?
LEVITT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY BRINGING PEOPLE DOWN
HERE WITHOUT TELLING ME?
IT SEEMED LIKE A SLOW DAY.
OF COURSE, I'M NOT
UP HERE THAT MUCH.
LEVITT!
I CAN TAKE A HINT. I'LL
JUST SEND THEM ON HOME.
GOOD.
AFTER ALL, I ONLY
RETRIEVED A SMALL BOY
FROM A DANGLING SCAFFOLD.
LEVITT...
A YOUNG LAD, WHOSE LIFE WAS
NOT CUT OFF AT THE AGE OF 10,
WHO CAN NOW GROW
UP TO BE A DOCTOR
OR PRESIDENT
OR EVEN POLICE
CAPTAIN, JUST LIKE YOU.
YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I KNOW I GOT US INTO
THIS, BUT I PROMISE,
I WILL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
YEAH. YES, I KNOW THIS IS
AN ICKY, STICKY, STINKY PLACE,
BUT AS SOON AS WE GET HOME,
I WILL RUN A TUB,
AND THEN WE CAN HAVE A
NICE HOT BATH TOGETHER, OKAY?
WHAT?
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S MY TURN TO
TAKE THE END WITH THE FAUCET.
SHE SEEMS VERY NICE.
SHE IS.
GOES OUT ANYWHERE?
- WE HELPED OURSELVES.
- FINE.
I'M TAKING SOME
OF YOUR Sweet'N Low.
MY SISTER'S DIABETIC.
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING DOWN HERE,
ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE DAY LIKE THIS.
OH, I'M UNEMPLOYED.
BUT I USED TO
WORK... IN A GIFT SHOP.
WE SOLD STUFF LIKE SOAP CARVINGS
AND DRIFTWOOD SPICE RACKS
AND GARY COLEMAN POSTERS AND...
YOU KNOW, HE'S BACK NOW?
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT.
WHY DON'T WE ALL
STEP INTO MY OFFICE?
I'LL GET YOU OUT OF
HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
CAN I BRING THIS?
WHY NOT?
SIR, YOU THINK THOSE
THREE ARE SUFFICIENT?
MORE THAN ENOUGH.
I TRUST EVERYONE IS COMFORTABLE.
NO. I'VE GOT THIS PIN IN MY HIP.
WHY DON'T WE START
WITH YOU, MRS. SLIGMAN?
THAT'LL BE FINE.
OKAY.
ARE YOU TAPING THIS?
OF COURSE NOT.
WHAT I MEAN IS, IF I
SAY ANYTHING WRONG,
CAN IT BE USED AGAINST
ME AT SOME FUTURE DATE?
MRS. SLIGMAN, ALL
WE WANT YOU TO DO
IS DESCRIBE WHAT YOU
SAW OFFICER LEVITT DO
ON THE DAY IN QUESTION
IN YOUR OWN WORDS.
ALL RIGHT?
MRS. SLIGMAN.
I WAS ON MY WAY HOME
FROM THE DOCTOR'S
WHEN I SAW THESE KIDS
PLAYING IN THAT NEW BUILDING
THAT'S GOING UP
ACROSS THE STREET.
OKAY.
WHAT IS IT WITH
PARENTS THESE DAYS?
THEY LEAVE THEIR KIDS
RUN AROUND ALL AFTERNOON
BY THEMSELVES
WITHOUT ANY SUPERVISION.
THEY WERE BARELY 10 YEARS OLD.
MRS. SLIGMAN... I
RAISED A SON, CAPTAIN,
AND I WAS CAREFUL
TO BE LOVING BUT FIRM.
IN 42 YEARS,
I NEVER HAD ONE OUNCE
OF TROUBLE WITH THAT BOY.
HE STILL LIVES WITH ME.
REALLY?
SO, YOU HEADED FOR
THE TROPICS, CAPTAIN?
WHAT?
I FOUND THIS ON YOUR DESK.
MR. MARKEN...
OF COURSE, TO REALLY
DO THE ISLANDS RIGHT,
YOU NEED ABOUT TWO WEEKS.
AND TWO WEEKS IS
ALL THE TIME WE NEED
TO RID YOUR HOUSE OF THOSE
UGLY, EMBARRASSING, NASTY ROACHES,
WHICH CAN MAKE YOUR
LIFE SUCH A LIVING HELL.
I'M AN EXTERMINATOR.
WE DON'T HAVE
ROACHES, MR. MARKEN.
SURE, YOU DON'T.
LOOK, CAN WE GET
ON WITH THIS, PLEASE?!
SO, YOUR KID GAY OR WHAT?
YES, SIR?
HORACE SHARP.
BERGEN, LASH, MORRIS, AND YOUNG.
OH, YEAH. I GOT
ALL THEIR ALBUMS.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO, MR. SHARP.
OH, MR. SPIDONIE, MR. MERCURIO.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
I LOST CHESS GAME.
WELL, HOLY MOLY.
YES?
THE ATTORNEY'S HERE.
OH, THANK GOD. EXCUSE ME.
CAN I SIT IN YOUR CHAIR?
MR. SHARP, I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
HORACE SHARP. I'M
A VERY BUSY MAN.
YEAH, WELL, MR. SHARP,
ACCORDING TO THESE GENTLEMEN,
YOUR FIRM REPRESENTS
THEIR FAMILY'S TONTINE?
MM-HMM.
YOU SEE, IN 1933, THEIR
GREAT-UNCLE CARMINE
ENTRUSTED IT TO ONE
OF OUR FOUNDERS.
IT PASSED THROUGH SEVERAL
PARTNERS OVER THE YEARS
UNTIL 1978, WHEN SOMEBODY
DUMPED IT ON MY DESK.
YEAH, WELL, I THINK
YOU SHOULD BE AWARE
THAT MR. MERCURIO OVER HERE
TRIED TO COMMIT
SUICIDE THIS MORNING
SO HIS COUSIN
COULD GET THE MONEY.
YOU MUST BE QUITE FOND OF HIM.
I AM.
THAT'S NICE.
OF COURSE, CAPTAIN, MY
FIRM COULD NOT POSSIBLY
BE HELD CULPABLE
FOR SUCH AN ACTION.
HOWEVER, THAT WOULD TIDY
THINGS UP RATHER NICELY.
THAT SETTLES THAT.
CAPTAIN, I'M GLAD TO
HAVE BEEN OF SERVICE.
WELL, HOLD ON THERE
A MINUTE, MR. SHARP.
YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA WALK
OUT OF HERE AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.
- Sharp: YES.
- HUH?
CAPTAIN, I'M MERELY PRESERVING
THE CONDITIONS OF THE TONTINE,
WHICH ARE, I SHOULD POINT OUT,
QUITE INFLEXIBLE.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST HAVE THEM SPLIT IT?
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I SAID SO.
ACTUALLY, THAT WOULD
CONSTITUTE A BREACH OF CONTRACT
AND DEFEAT THE
PURPOSE OF THE TONTINE,
TO SAY NOTHING OF MAKING
A RATHER NASTY BLOTCH
ON MY RECORD.
OH, WELL, NOW, WE CAN'T
HAVE THAT NOW, CAN WE?
NO, AND WE SHAN'T HAVE
THAT NOW, SHALL WE?
BARN.
MR. SHARP, LOOK.
FOR THE SAKE OF ALL CONCERNED,
I THINK WE BETTER
START WORKING ON
SOME SUITABLE COMPROMISE.
CAPTAIN, THERE IS NO COMPROMISE.
THEN LET'S FIND ONE,
BECAUSE I'M NOT ABOUT
TO TURN THIS MAN LOOSE
JUST SO HE CAN
JUMP OFF A BUILDING
SO THAT HIS COUSIN HERE CAN
BUY A COUPLE OF LOUSY SWEATERS
AND AN ELECTRIC BLANKET.
OH, THAT'S PRECIOUS.
700,000, AND ALL HE WANTS IS A
ROMP THROUGH WOOLWORTH'S.
HUH?
WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S
ON OUR TONTINE?
WE ONLY PUT IN 200 BUCKS
APIECE, DIDN'T WE, JOEY?
RIGHT.
WELL, WE DIDN'T JUST SEW UP
THE MONEY IN A MATTRESS, FELLAS.
YOU DIDN'T?
IN FACT, WE INVESTED
IT RATHER SHREWDLY...
REAL ESTATE, OIL, OF COURSE.
WE BOUGHT IN ON THE GROUND
FLOOR OF BOEING AND IBM,
A LINEN SERVICE.
HEY, NOW YOU'RE
TALKING REAL MONEY.
YOU BET YOUR BOOTS.
YOU HEAR THAT,
JOEY? YOU'RE RICH.
- SWELL.
- BARNEY!
CAPTAIN!
DIETRICH, GET AN AMBULANCE.
WOJO, LET'S LAY HIM
DOWN OVER HERE.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
HEY, LET ME OUT!
I DON'T THINK HE'S
BREATHING, BARNEY.
COME ON! LET ME OUT!
HE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK!
YEAH, LET HIM OUT.
- THE GUY'S CRAZY.
- SO?
JUST GIVE ME SOME ROOM.
PLEASE DON'T DIE,
JOEY. IT'S NOT FAIR.
WELL... LOOKS LIKE
WE HAVE A WINNER.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HE SEEMS TO BE DOING OKAY.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ACTUALLY
VERY LUCKY YOU HAD HIM HERE.
- HARRIS?
- HMM?
WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
DO YOU REALIZE THAT
IN THIS ENTIRE PRECINCT,
THERE IS NOT ONE TEA BAG?
WELL, CAPTAIN, I SUPPOSE THERE'S
NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO HERE,
SO I GUESS I'LL
JUST BE ON MY WAY.
WHAT ABOUT THE
TONTINE, MR. SHARP?
DIDN'T WE GO THROUGH THIS?
THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING
YOU CAN DO FOR THESE PEOPLE.
I MEAN, GIVE THEM PART
OF IT OR AN ALLOWANCE.
WHY DON'T YOU LET ONE OF
THEM BACK OUT OF THE DAMN THING
SO THE OTHER ONE
CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM?
CAPTAIN, PLEASE.
IT IS NOT MY PLACE TO CORRUPT
THE INTEGRITY OF THE TONTINE,
NOR DISREGARD THE
WISHES OF AN ENTIRE FAMILY.
THIS IS THE ENTIRE FAMILY.
THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, I SUPPOSE I COULD TAKE
THE MATTER UNDER ADVISEMENT.
THANK YOU. I WOULD
APPRECIATE THAT.
- GOODBYE, CAPTAIN.
- GOODBYE.
GENTLEMEN, I'LL BE IN TOUCH.
WHY?
WE'RE NOT GOING
ANYWHERE. ARE WE, JOEY?
I AIN'T GOT NO PLANS.
AGAIN, ADIEU.
OKEY DOKEY, MR. SPIDONIE.
WE'RE GONNA GET GOING NOW.
CAN HENRY COME WITH ME?
CAPTAIN?
HEY, I'LL TAKE HIM DOWN.
I GOT TO GO TO BELLEVUE, ANYWAY.
OKAY.
THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
YOU TAKE CARE OF
YOURSELF NOW, MR. MERCURIO.
YES, SIR.
OKAY, MR. MERCURIO, LET'S GO.
THANK YOU.
OH, MORE STAIRS.
DID YOU SEE ME?
I MEAN, DID... DID
YOU SEE WHAT I DID?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT WAS BORING?
OH, SURE.
WELL, YOU GET IT ALL THE TIME.
UH, BARN,
I'M GONNA RUN STEVE AND
EYDIE OVER TO MANHATTAN SOUTH.
MR. PRYNE...
YOU'RE GONNA GO WITH
SERGEANT HARRIS NOW.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW WE REALLY
APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU DID.
OH, SURE. IT WAS OUR PLEASURE.
UH, LARRY, LET'S GO.
COME ON, SWEETIE.
OH, VICKI CAN GO TOO, HUH?
OH, CERTAINLY.
UH, WE'LL SEE TO IT THAT
YOU TWO CAN BUNK TOGETHER.
OH, THANKS. WE APPRECIATE THAT.
SURE.
OH, CAN... CAN WE
GET A PRIVATE CELL?
OH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
GONNA BE ANY PROBLEM.
UH, BARNEY, YOUR
WIFE'S ON LINE 2.
I'LL TAKE IT IN MY OFFICE.
IF YOU DON'T NEED ME,
I'M GONNA GO HOME, OKAY?
YEAH, SURE. GOOD NIGHT NOW.
GOOD NIGHT.
YOU AND LIZ DECIDE WHERE YOU'RE
GONNA GO ON YOUR VACATION?
THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT
THAT CALL IS ABOUT.
YOU MIGHT THINK ABOUT
THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE.
ONE CAN REALLY
LOSE ONESELF THERE.
HELLO, CAPTAIN.
I'M AFRAID WE HAD A LITTLE
ACCIDENT WITH YOUR CHAIR.
ALL IT NEEDS IS A COUPLE
OF SCREWS, I SWEAR TO GOD.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO, LIZ.
ANYWHERE.