Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 3, Episode 17 - Sex Surrogate - full transcript

Nick, uh, get me that
Fricano file, will you?

I can't find it.

How do you know?
You haven't looked yet.

Oh, all right.

I just thought I'd
save us some time.

Just find the file.

Wojo still hasn't
checked in yet, huh?

You know, the time change
probably loused him up.

Any progress on
those burglaries?

Yeah, a lady called in and
said that she saw a little kid

running out of one of the
places uh, carrying a sack.



Yeah, so I'm checking
the juvenile files.

These are all
juvenile offenders?

Thirteen and under.

Wonderful.

From the description,
I think our thief

probably hasn't gone
through puberty yet.

Good, we got something
to look forward to.

I, uh... I got some
good prospects

that I'm gonna
check out, though.

Think about the possibility
of it being a gang of kids,

maybe even led by an
adult. Check that out.

You know, that's
very Dickensian.

So it is, Harris, so it is.

No, really, I mean, you know,



like in Oliver Twist
by Charles Dickens.

Yes, yes, I... I... I
recognize the reference.

Oh. I just didn't feel
the need to prove it.

That's with Fagin
and the Artful Dodger.

Mm-hm.

One of his earlier novels.

I didn't know that.

Good.

Uh, 12th Precinct,
Sergeant Harris.

Oh, hi, Bernice.

No, uh, he stepped
out for a minute.

Oh, uh, yeah, he's
walking in right now.

Hold on.

It's, uh, Bernice on two.

Thank you.

Beautiful timing, I
was about to hang up.

You know, you got a
real mean streak in you,

you know that, Harris?

Morning, Harris. Heh-heh!

Good day, huh?

Hey, you're late.

No, I'm not.

I'm... I'm two minutes early.

It's, uh, 10:00.

No, it's 9:00.

Ten o'clock.

Daylight saving time
started this weekend.

We lost an hour.

Oh, really?

Mm-hm. I'm surprised
you didn't hear about it.

It was widely publicized.

Well, uh, I didn't, uh,

see too many
people this weekend.

Well, it was in all
the newspapers.

Yeah, well, I didn't, uh, get
a chance to read the papers.

I was, uh... Was in all weekend.

It was on TV.

Well, I, uh... I didn't
do much of that either.

Oh, well,

this time he has a
legitimate excuse.

A lust.

Wojo, why don't you
get started working,

maybe you can
make up for lost time?

Maybe you can even
stay an hour later today.

Okay, Barn.

Any luck on the Fricano file?

Yup. Good.

I think I found the F's.

Bernice, uh, togetherness
isn't just physical,

it's a state of mind,
a spiritual thing.

We don't have to be physically
together to be together.

Like, uh... Like right now.

I'm here, and,
uh, you are there.

Isn't this nice?

Barn? Hm?

Shooting on 6th Street.

Uh, you and Fish. FISH: Yeah.

I don't wanna learn backgammon.

It's... It's too
exhausting, Bernice.

Fish, Fish, we got a shooting.

Thank you.

Can't talk anymore,
Bernice, I gotta go, I gotta go.

Right now? Right now.

Goodbye, Bernice.

Barney?

Found the Fricano file.

Oh, thank you.

There's nothing in this.

I know.

Nick, I need what
goes inside this.

Oh.

You through with this?

I got the precinct reports here.

I'll, uh... I'll just put
'em over on this desk.

Mm.

Well, uh, say goodbye to
all the guys for me, huh?

Okay.

I'm leaving the force.

You're laid off?

No, I'm quitting.

Hey, I'm not
mad, I'm not bitter.

It's, uh... It's just
the breaks, right?

Right.

Oh, uh, hello, Levitt.

Actually, sir, it's goodbye.

Oh? I'm quitting the force, sir.

Oh? When did, uh...?

You can't talk
me out of it, sir.

Sergeant Yemana already tried.

I just wanted to
come up here to say

it's been an honor
serving under you.

I'm grateful for
everything you did for me.

What happened, Levitt?

I talked it over with
a couple of doctors,

and they said forget it.

Oh. Incurable, huh?

Yes, sir.

5'6" and a half, that's it.

I see.

Hey, it's okay.

I'm not mad, I'm not bitter,

I'm just being practical.

And there's nothing you can
say to make me change my mind.

Everybody's tried, right?

I did my best.

Well, okay, Levitt.

Please, captain, I'm decided.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

It's too late.

Twenty-eight years of marriage,

why would he do
something like that to me?

Because you're a rotten
human being, Arvin!

You're hurting my
ears, Mrs. Kaufmann.

He'll be up in a
second. Have a seat.

Have a seat, Mrs. Kaufmann.

Half of it. Welles'
bringing up the husband.

I want him locked up.
All right, take it easy.

She wasn't injured, huh?

No, she shot him.

Oh.

Apparently she followed
him to a place on 6th Street,

they had an argument out
front, and she pulled a gun.

Was he hurt?

The doctor says
he was very lucky.

The bullet just grazed him.

Hm. Where'd she hit him?

In the inseam.

Excuse me, captain,
this is Mr. Kaufman.

Thank you, Welles.
Hello, Mr. Kaufmann.

You, uh...? You
sure you're all right?

Oh, it's okay, I'm fine.

Listen, captain, the whole thing
is just a big misunderstanding.

She never meant to shoot me.

Yes, I did. Louise,
shhh, don't say that.

I told you not to go
back to that place,

I warned you. Wait,
wait, what place?

Go ahead, tell him, Arvin.

Tell him what place.

What place, Mr. Kaufmann?

It's a clinic.

A clinic. Ha-ha!

You should live
so long, a clinic.

Tell him the truth.

It is the truth.

Chippies. Tramps.

A whole house full of them.

Prostitutes? You hear? He knows.

No, it wasn't
like that, it wasn't.

Uh, j-just have a
seat, Mrs. Kaufmann.

A house on 6th Street?
That's news to me.

You know anything about it?

There's one on 7th Street.

Oh, well, yeah.

And the one on 8th Street.

Uh, Yeah, that's it.

There's two on
McDougall... Thank you, Nick.

Right across the street.

Uh, they're having a price war.

Thank you, Nick.

They're not prostitutes.

They're not prostitutes,
I'm telling you.

It's not that kind of
a place. Take it easy.

You know anything
about the place?

Something called
the New York Institute

of Sexual Dysfunction.

Wojo's checking it out.

That's right, I had a
doctor's appointment.

You're disgusting.

Louise, I only
went there for us.

I even asked her
to come with me.

That's even more disgusting.

What are you talking about?

Don't you understand
the medical value...?

Control yourself, will you?
Keep quiet. Now, stop it.

I'm gonna have to get some
more information from both of you.

No, look, I'm not gonna
press any charges.

Don't do me any
favors. Okay, okay.

Uh, right over here, have
a seat, Mrs. Kaufmann.

Detective Fish will
take your statement.

Mr. Kaufmann, over here.

Sergeant Yemana will, um...

You sure you're
all right? It's okay.

The doctor said the limp
was mostly psychological.

Fish?

Hold off on the booking,

just get the information.

Doesn't it seem we're
getting more and more crimes

of wives trying to kill
their husbands lately?

That's very disturbing.

It happens when you have a
breakdown in communication.

And I hung up on her.

Now, would you just
step inside, please, miss.

Doctor.

And I told you I
didn't hear anything,

I didn't see anything.

I was in my
office in the clinic.

We'd like to ask
you a few questions.

Uh, I'm Captain Miller, Miss...

Doctor.

Doctor Lorraine Dooley.

Hello, Mr. Kaufmann.

Listen, I'm very sorry...

Is that her?

Oh, you harlot, you tramp. Whoa.

Have a seat, Mrs. Kaufmann.

If you don't restrain yourself,

we're gonna have
to do it for you.

Barn, I... I checked
this thing out,

and, uh, she says it's a clinic,

that she's a therapist.

But, uh, they do stuff,

and they get paid for it,
so, what's the difference?

I'm not certain.

You know, uh...

Exactly what kind of
therapy are we talking about?

Captain, effective
sexual expression

is part of a normal
and healthy life.

Mm-hm.

A diminished ego,
an unhealthy libido,

is every bit as harmful
as a pernicious virus.

Mm-hm.

And?

We deal with the
dysfunctionary problem.

How do we deal
with that problem?

Discussion,
practical application.

Uh-huh, you hear that?

All right, all right.

Do you have
physical relationships

with your patients?

Of course.

Mm-mm-mm, who is that?

My new doctor.

Uh, a pawnshop
on Lexington called.

Somebody's trying to hock
stuff from the burglaries.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Uh, I-I'm... I'm sorry, Bernice,
I was, uh, preoccupied.

Uh, but I promise we'll do
something this weekend.

I... I... I don't know what.

Captain, what am I
being charged with?

Uh, nothing, doctor.

But, uh, there was a shooting
outside your establishment,

and there are still
some questions

I'd like answered
about, uh, your work.

I've already told you.

I try to help people to
find a new closeness,

a new sensuality.

I teach them how to, uh,
express their emotions

and overcome their inhibitions

so that they can increase
their mutual pleasure.

And you made me
miss my appointment.

Together we... We try
to explore the problem,

so that I may be the instrument
through which the patient

may experience a
balance and confidence,

and in turn may relate
that newfound sensuality

to that which may be at home.

You get my drift?

Bernice, I may have an idea.

Let me get back to you.

Uh, cancel Mr. and
Mrs. Kowalski,

and, uh, you can
tell Mr. Durrell to wait.

Have him read a magazine,
and show him a movie.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Captain Miller, how much
longer am I going to be held?

You're not being held, doctor.

But, uh, we need
your cooperation

to, uh, clear up a few things.

We... We are, after all,
entering a sensitive area here.

I mean, the services
of a surrogate

come uncomfortably
close to the legal definition

of prostitution.

I am a qualified specialist.

Qualified, maybe.

Special? I'm not
so sure. Louise.

I checked Dooley out
for priors. She's clean.

It's just routine.
Thank you, Wojo.

Yeah, no soliciting,
no pandering...

Thank you, Wojo.

But I checked out
the place, Barn.

And, uh, they don't
have a license.

A license isn't required.

They don't even have a permit
from the Health Department.

We don't serve food.

Who would eat it?

Wojo.

Wojo, we're... We're obviously
in some area of investigation

which has not been definitively
explored from a legal sense.

But, Barn, I saw the place.

They got these little
cubicles with beds in them.

And chairs.

We got chairs here too, lady,

it don't keep the desks
from getting a good workout.

Wojo.

Barn, I was there.

There were six guys hanging
around the waiting room.

We're understaffed.

Look, doctor, for your
benefit and for ours,

we would appreciate
a little more information

about your operation.

The names of the
other, uh... Doctors?

Doctors, credentials,

a little idea of just what
it is that goes on there.

We have nothing to hide.

Fine.

Detective Wojciehowicz
will take your statement.

Keeping in mind that
Dr. Dooley is here voluntarily,

assisting in this inquiry.

Sure, Barn.

Over here.

Uh, won't you be seated, doctor?

Right here.

Why would a man wanna
go to a woman like that,

when he's got a wife at home
who's available and willing?

I was only considering it.

Okay, come on, watch your step.

Hey, don't patronize
me, I'm not a child.

Don't rub it in.

This is our juvenile suspect?

He's a midget.

And don't call me a midget.

I'm a little person.

You understand?

Caught him trying to unload
this stuff at a place on Lexington.

Take a seat over there.

Good work.

I went through hell
looking for a kid.

Well, that's understandable.

Yeah, but it should have
at least occurred to me

that it could be a midget.

Don't say "midget."

I am not a midget.

I am not a midget.

Okay.

I mean, look, he's running loose

while I'm tracking
down 10-year-olds

and checking on gangs
of kids led by an adult.

Well... Well, that...
That part's my fault.

Yeah, well, tell you the truth,
I mean, I feel like a fool too.

Hey, when can I
make my phone call?

Look, you'll get
it shortly, huh?

Funny.

Very funny.

Climb up there, will you?
Come on, get up there.

I'm sorry you disapprove
of the work I do.

Just my opinion.

We provide a vital service.

I'll bet you do.

Obviously you don't
know very much

about the psychology of sex.

I know enough to get by.

Is that all?

I mean, uh, I do pretty good.

And, uh, if you were unfortunate
enough to find yourself,

because of a lack of
confidence or a fear of failure,

unable to function at all,

where would you go?

A ballgame probably.

And if your relationship
with society as a whole

were affected,

your growth as a
human being retarded,

the progress of your
career inhibited...

then what would you do?

I don't have those
kind of problems.

You're very fortunate, sergeant.

I'm not a sergeant.

Why not?

Pfft! It's okay, I... I just
gotta take the test again.

I hope you'll be better
prepared next time.

Since 1948, we've
been married and happy.

Then all of a sudden,
like out of the blue,

he goes and does
something like this.

Oh, Louise, listen.

I only went there because...

Because I'm not an
effective human being.

Have I complained?

Of course not. And
you had a right to.

Well...

Louise, you've been
marvelous about it.

And I suppose you
haven't been satisfied?

Since when?

Nineteen forty-nine.

You know, I don't
like being a thief.

I can't get a decent job
because everyone is prejudiced

against little people.

That's no excuse.

Oh, yeah?

Well, tell me, when
you see a little person,

what's the first
thing you think of?

I don't know,
nothing in particular.

The circus.

Ah, you see, that's
what everyone thinks of.

That's where I belong, right?

I don't deny there's prejudice
and unfair stereotyping,

but that doesn't give you
the right to resort to crime.

I remember...

ah, a little tiny car
would drive out,

and then about 15 of
you guys would pile out.

Mail, sir.

Oh, thank you, Levitt.

This may be my
last delivery, sir.

Sorry to hear that.

All right, let's check
your valuables,

and then if you'll step
into the cage, please.

Put your valuables right here.

You guys, you got it made.

You talking to me?

All you tall guys.

You oughta try getting
somewhere from down here.

Well...

Okay, into the cage.

Captain, I never seen
anybody that small.

It's all relative, Levitt.

I mean, you're taller
than Mr. Resnick,

I'm taller than you.

I never thought
of it that way, sir.

It's something to consider.

Actually, I suppose
what's important

isn't how tall you are,
but how tall you think.

Right, sir?

Right.

And I think you wear lifts.

Hm?

It's just a little humor, sir.

Just to show how I'm
developing the right attitude, sir.

Right.

Thank you, sir. Okay.

See you tomorrow.

Right.

Hang in there.

Captain Miller?

Listen, captain, do you think
maybe it might be possible

to, uh, forget this whole thing?

Heh, I'm afraid I don't
have too much flexibility

in this matter, Mr. Kaufmann.

Your wife fired a
weapon in public at you,

and, uh, it's gonna have
to go before the grand jury.

You mean she might have
to spend the night in jail?

I'm afraid so.

Look, captain, you know,

in 28 years, we...
We never slept apart.

Under the circumstances, it
might not be such a bad idea.

Louise.

They tell me you might
have the night in jail.

You mean we're
gonna be separated?

I didn't think you'd care.

I care enough to
shoot you, didn't I?

As a matter of fact, since
I can't have you tonight,

I want you more than ever.

Hey, Barn?

I got all the, uh, information
on her and her clinic.

Okay, make out a report.

Yeah, uh, heh,
they all got diplomas

and "doctor" in
front of their names.

Yeah.

To me, it's still
a big hook shop.

Put that in your report.

Right. Hey, Barn?

This is gonna be
a test case, right?

Test case? Yeah.

We got enough clear-cut
crime around here,

I don't need any test cases.

But, Barn... Wojo,
make out a report,

send it to the DA's office,
let 'em do whatever they want.

Captain Miller, am I through?

Yes, doctor.

Then I'm free to
go back to my job

and resume my work?

With a reasonable
amount of discretion

and the regard for
accepted conventions.

I'll bet they get a
lot of conventions.

Wojo.

Sorry.

Goodbye, Captain Miller.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Goodbye, Mr. Kaufmann,
Mrs. Kaufmann.

Oh, doctor, um...

I don't think I'll be needing

my Thursday night
appointments anymore.

Whatever you think
is right, Mr. Kaufmann.

I'll be spending those
nights with my wife.

Goodbye, Detective Wojciehowicz.

Yeah, see you around.

Good luck on your
sergeants' test.

Don't worry about
it. I'll make it.

If not...

here's my card.

Well, that's one area
I got no troubles in.

What?

Sex.

Sure.

Well, sometimes they steal
my clothes as souvenirs.

What happened to Dr. Dooley?

I wanted to talk to her.

Oh, she just left.

If you hurry, you can catch her.

Ah, forget it.

I'll... I'll take
her to a movie.