Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 3, Episode 18 - Moonlighting - full transcript

Barney discovers that Harris has a second job. Dietrich arrests a priest for fencing stolen goods. A racketeer is using a mentally challenged boy as an assistant.


Uh, give me a five-letter
word for mallard duck.


Very funny.

It fits.

Dietrich still at the pawn shop?


Um, Harris hasn't
checked in yet either.

Thank you, Wojo.

Well, he's always getting
on my case about being late.

You were, this morning.

Oh, yeah. I...

lost my alarm clock.

I suggest you do
something about finding it.


I'll make a few calls.

I'm never late.

And I appreciate it, Nick.

It's a shame that certain other
members of... Of this squad

don't emulate your
wonderful example,

and realize that sometimes

one must forego the
splendors of the evening

for the responsibilities
of the morning.

I was late once.

A few minutes.

Hey, I know what this
looks like but I'm innocent.

You're making a
terrible mistake.

It's part of my job.

Trying to dump
stolen merchandise?

Yeah, everything
was on a hot sheet

from that theft
at the pier. Hey,

I know what this looks like
but it's not that way at all.

I mean, this is... This
is just one of those, uh...

Merry mix-ups.

Yeah, right.

What about the hot property?

Well, he told me he
bought it at a thrift shop.

He said, uh, he only
spent a few dollars for this.

He said, uh, it
was very legitimate.

I laughed.

I have a receipt.

Written on a piece
of scratch paper.

It's a little flimsy, Mr., uh...

But we'll check it, we'll
check it. In the meantime,

would you give a statement
to Detective Dietrich?

Okay, why don't you have a
seat over there, Mr. White?

What is it with you people?
Why don't you believe me?

Well, it's because
we're used to dealing

with the criminal
element, Mr. White.

Everybody who comes in
here claims he's innocent,

so nine times
out of 10 he's not.

So it hardens you over
the years, Mr. White.

It makes initial trust a rare
commodity in police work.


Also, I don't like your eyes.

Good morning, Harris.

♪ Dum-da-dum-dum ♪

Good morning, Barney.

Isn't that a coincidence?
Just an hour ago,

everybody else was
saying the same thing to me.

I, uh... I guess I overslept.

You look awful.

Yeah, I had a long evening.

Harris, the human body
can take just so much, uh,


After a while, it
starts to... Harris?

Pardon me?

Why don't you just sit down?
Nick'll get you a cup of tea.

Hey, uh, thank
him for me, will you?


Hey, I ain't sayin' I never
been in trouble before,

but this time I'm clean.

We'll check out your
story. First name?


I was born cesarean.

My mother named
me that for revenge.

Women are sensitive about birth.

Boy, she never let up, either.
When I was 10 years old,

she made me take
accordion lessons.

She was a disturbed
woman, Mr. White.

Uh, middle name?


I saw it coming.

Here you go.


Uh, Harris, uh, I don't
know if it's my place,

but, uh... What?

Does that tie go with that suit?

Oh, my God.

I figured you'd like to know.

Oh, man. I knew this was
gonna happen someday.

Yeah, I know. I-I know
because I was late one time

and I put on a brown
tie with a yellow shirt.



Mm, well, you had to be there.

Gotta put you in the
cage now, Mr. White.

How do you pronounce that?

What's the difference?

Looks like "Wojciehowicz."

What were you, a breach baby?

That's his last name.

What's your first name?



Twelfth Precinct, Yemana.

Uh, just... Just a second.

Uh, Barn? Mm?

Some guy's down on Third
Street holding up traffic.

Okay, check it
out. Hey, hold on.

Uh, Harris, somebody
calling for you on line one.

Find out who it is, huh?

Who's calling?

It's your boss.


Uh, tell him I'll call
him back later, huh?


Say, Barney,

did I, uh, ever tell you
about my other job?

Other job?

I didn't.

No. Remember, that's what
you wanted to talk to me about

in my office. When?

Right now. Oh.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

It's not a question
of what you're doing,

it's a question of my
keeping abreast with things

as they pertain to this job.

Got it, Barney. All right.

It's just that, uh, we had a
few scheduling problems,

and, um, I think we got
them worked out now.

All right.

Hinman Arms, huh?

That's a pretty
snazzy place, heh.

And you're, uh...?

Captain of Security.

Sounds good.

It does hang well
on me, don't it?

Well, as, uh, one
captain to another...

Call me Harris.

Funny pot.

It's called a wok.

It's used to cook
Chinese vegetables.


No offense.

I'm not Chinese.

Well, you were once,

uh, around about
fourth or fifth century.

I'll be 46 in April.

If I don't see you,
happy birthday.

Uh, captain.

Which one?

I think it's for me.

I'm gonna check out White's
story over at the thrift shop.

Yeah, take some
of that stuff with you.

See if you can get
an identification.

All right, I'll just, uh...

I'll just take a
"wok" over there.


Captain, this is a wok.

Yeah, I know.

Oh. I-I'll... I'll j... I'll
be running along.


In here. Thanks, Dietrich.
Over here. Come on.

What've we got?

Well, by the time
I got down there

this kid had traffic
blocked up for three blocks.

Go on, sit down.

He was running around picking
up these from all over the street.

I dropped the bag.

Betting slips. Yeah.

He must've been running
to a drop somewhere.

All right, check it
out. If nothing else,

somebody's got an awful
lot of angry customers.

No, look, I can't
work tomorrow night,

I've gotta pull
a late shift here.

No, there's absolutely
no way I can get out of it.

Yeah, I'll, uh...
I'll call you later.

Thank you, captain.

Hey, Barn.

What's that "captain" stuff?

Harris is Captain of
Security at the Hinman Arms.

Well, whoopity-doopity-do.

You know, I expected you
to say something like that.

However, the number of
syllables did surprise me.

Well, how come you're
working two jobs anyway, Harris?

Orchestra seats,
nice clothes, fine wine.

I mean, it's called
living the full life.

Harris. Hey, I'm satisfied.

I-I go bowling,
have a few beers.

That's the full life.

That's gusto.

What you doing here? Hey.

Can I go now?

No, you can't go now.

Last name's Fields?

What's your first name?

Tom. T-O... I think
I can handle it.

Where do you live, Tom?

The third house
after the mailbox.

Just give me your
address, all right?

338 Allen?

Uh, sit right there.

Uh, Barn? Yeah.

Uh, I think there's
something wrong with this guy.

What do you mean "wrong"?

Well, like h-he's
slow in the head.


I don't think he
knows what's going on.

What's his name?

Tom Fields.


Yes, sir?

Tom, do you know
why you're being held?

Yes, sir. For not
bringing the bag over.

He gave me a dollar to carry it.

Now I'll have to give it back.

Who gave you a dollar, Tom?

I don't know his name.

He was like him.

A black man?

With funny clothes.

Where were you
carrying the bag?!

He's not deaf.

To the barber shop next
to the roller-skating rink.

Oh, Barney. That's,
uh, Del Mitchell's place.

Oh, yeah.

Didn't we raid that last
year for prostitution?

Right, they had
the $50 manicure.


All right. Let's bring him in
and ask him a few questions,

see what we can find out.

Oh, Barney, why don't
you let me go alone?

I think it'll be
easier to get in.

Okay, uh, have Kogan put a
squad car in the area, though.


Hey. Yeah?

Will I get a phone call?


Maybe that's it now.

In here, Reverend.

What's this?

Captain Miller, this is
Reverend Albert Carey.

He runs the thrift shop. The
place was full of stolen goods.

Hope you've got a
strong case, uh, Dietrich.

Don't worry, captain.

It's a good collar.

No offense.

Uh, Dietrich,
take his cuffs off.

It's all right. Leave them on.

He insisted.

They're gonna start to
hurt you in a little while.

They hurt now.

Take off his cuffs.

No. I d... I don't want
any special treatment.

Take them off. Take them off.

Reverend, uh, is what
Detective Dietrich said true,

I mean about the
stolen merchandise?

It's true. All of it, it's true.

And you knew it was stolen?

Of course I knew. I just
never let myself think about it.

Have a seat, Reverend.

So you accepted them
as donations in good faith?

Look, don't
patronize me, captain.

I knew exactly what I was doing.

Our church is falling
apart. It's going under.

And I have been growing
so depressed lately.


You know, a couple
of weeks ago, I...

I was walking down Fifth Avenue,

and I stopped in
front of St. Patrick's.

And I looked up,

and I saw those
magnificent spires, and...

And I thought,

"They really got it made, baby."

You know what I mean?

I mean, they got it all.

You know what I mean?

I thought,

"Well, why them? I
mean, why...? Why not us?

"Why? Why is it always them

"with their bells and their...

Their tapestries and
their works of art."

I mean, what are we, garbage?

We all believe in
the same things.

We read the same books.

We all say all the same
stuff, for crying out loud.

We've got a right.

But this guy comes along,

and, uh, instead of
donating some stuff he...

He shows me how I
could buy it from him

and then sell it for a profit

and still keep the
prices reasonable.

Well, it, uh,
worked like a charm.

And the first thing you know,

we got a whole lot
of people coming in

With a whole bunch
of merchandise.

There's a patrol car
over there now, captain.

The stuff matches a list
from, uh, a dozen heists.

Seems we've got a
touchy situation here.


It's gonna be hard to
separate, uh, church and state

with him doing
time in Sing-Sing.

Thank you, Dietrich.

Hey, can I get out of here now?

Let him out. Have a seat.

I'm gonna be a
policeman someday.

Oh, yeah?

Well, we could
probably use the help.

Do you have a little boy?

No, I-I don't have any kids.

Here you go.

Hey, what about the
money I paid for that stuff?

Why don't you consider
it a donation to charity,

gift to the church?
I'm an atheist.

Sue him.

Hey, I ain't that sure about it.

Barney. That was Harris' boss.

Yeah? He got fired.

Fired? Well, what for?

Something about not being
able to work around his schedule.


I could never handle two jobs.

I'm under too
much pressure here.

Okay, in here, Mr. Mitchell.

This place looks
like a garbage dump.

Mm-hm. Make
yourself right at home.

Uh, Tom?

Tom, there's a man
sitting over there.

I want you to tell me if this is
the man who gave you the dollar?

Yes, sir. I better
go give it back.

No, that's, uh... Not
right now, not right now.

Hey, uh, Barney, what's
with the uh, Reverend?

Fencing stolen merchandise.

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna
do? Throw the good book at him?

Try and pull yourself together.

Yeah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Mitchell?


Mr. Mitchell, there's a
young man sitting over there

says you gave him a dollar
to take a bag somewhere?

Never saw him before.

Well, he's sitting over
there. Look that way.

No need to. I haven't been
out of my barber shop all day.

I didn't say anything
about which day it was.

Pick one.

He did what?

What did he tell you about
the lady in the penthouse?

Look, she asked me
to check on a prowler

and then got mad
'cause I wouldn't move in.

Steady now, st... That's
what she wanted me to do.

All right, we'll talk
about it in my office.

I was doing a damn good job.

But he couldn't fit
around your schedule.

My schedule? Come on.

Hey, look, you know what
he can do with my schedule?

We'll explore all
the possibilities.

Sorry about the
profanity, Reverend.

Yeah, you see? Just
because I'm a minister,

everybody thinks they
have to protect me.

Well, it's not necessary.

All right, the hell with it.

I would expect that
reaction if you lost this job.

But an outside job?

I was a captain.

Uh, let's not lose
perspective, Harris.

I was a good captain.
Yeah, I'm sure.

The fact is, you're just gonna
have to give up a few luxuries.

Let's, uh, switch to
domestic champagne

and give up on
the imported stuff.

Sirloin tips instead
of filet mignon.

Uh, would that were the case.

Mickey Spillane
instead of Shakespeare.

Barney, I need that money.

We could all use
a little extra money.

It's not a question of extra.

It's more like your
basic, fundamental,

primary kind of money.

I mean, I was over-extended.

Is it serious?

Yeah, it's serious. And it's
starting to get embarrassing.

I was buying a gray cardigan at
Bloomingdale's and they told me

that I had reached
my credit limit.

That, uh, could be embarrassing.

Yeah. I don't own
a gray cardigan.

Harris, you're just gonna have
to spend less money on clothing.

No, it's not just clothes.
I mean, it's everything.

I mean, it's part of
my nature, Barney.

I mean, I always figure if you
can't afford to go first class,

charge it.

Harris, are you
familiar with the phrase

"living within one's means"?


It has to do with
the relationship

between income and outgo.

That's not the problem.

It's not?

I mean, my lifestyle,

it represents more
than just material things.


I mean, it's always
been that way.

My childhood was no different.

Go on.

Barney, I appreciate
this time. Oh, listen...

A real shrink costs a fortune.

I want to give your dollar back.

I couldn't bring the bag over.

Hey, I don't have the slightest
idea what you're talking about.

I was going to carry
the bag, but I dropped it.

Man, I don't even
know who you are.

I'm Tom Fields. I live at the
third house after the mailbox.

Look, I am trying to meditate,

and you are disrupting
my concentration.


He s... He says he can't
think and talk at the same time.

Hey, you talking to me?


Sorry to keep you
waiting, Mr. Mitchell.

Hey, can I leave now?

Uh, a few more questions.

In that case, I want my lawyer.

Look, you're not
gonna need your lawyer.

Hey, look, it's his
word against mine,

and that's what
it comes down to.

You think a judge is
gonna believe a dummy?

Aren't you being a
little hard on yourself?

Is that all?

That's all.

Hey, Mitchell.

Use another kid like this
and I'm gonna be all over you.

I mean, I am gonna
go out of my way

to see to it that you,
uh, stay within the law.

Hey, uh, captain,

your man here is threatening
me with harassment.

Sergeant Harris? Harris,
did you say something?



Hey, Barn, but what about Tom?

Just see he gets home okay.


Come on, Tom.

Where are we going? Home.

Where do you live?

No, your home.


Well, don't... Don't worry, uh,

you can come over to
my house some other time.

I'd like to meet
all your friends.

I don't have too many.

Uh, Nick, take him downstairs
for prints and pictures.

I'd rather not.


Um, he's a man of the cloth.

I feel funny about it, Barney.

He's a prisoner, he
has to be processed.

I haven't gone to
church in years.

There might be repercussions.

Dietrich, would you mind?

Sure, I'll do it.

I don't mind. It
doesn't bother me.

Do you believe in God?

Well, I have always felt
there was something up there,

out there.

I don't think there is.

I mean, we're probably
just an accident,

the result of some
unplanned cosmic explosion

eons ago.

Well, now, wh...?
What if you're wrong

and you find
yourself in an afterlife

having to explain
yourself to somebody?

What do you say?