Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 3, Episode 16 - Abduction - full transcript

A couple wants Barney's assistance with their cult-influenced daughter. Nick's bookie is arrested. Harris gets a short story published in a slick gentleman's magazine. Bernice interviews for a job over Fish's objections.

Fish, you all right?

I got an upset stomach.
Something I ate, I guess.

You ought to stick
to a bland diet.

That's what made me sick.

Lookin' at all those
kids on television

with all the white teeth,

who keep talking
about milk all the time.

Well, milk shouldn't
upset your stomach.

Yeah. Well... Maybe
it's just the kids.

Hey, uh, Fish?

Uh, you feeling nauseous, huh?



Yeah. Why?

Uh, well, because
that's just a sigh

that your system
needs cleaning out.

There's something in
there that wants to come up.

Get away from me.

Wojo.

I was just trying to help.

Haven't you ever heard
of the power of suggestion?

Yeah, but he won't listen.

Morning, guys.

Good morning,
Nick. Good morning.

Don't ruin your appetites.

I'm buying lunch
for everybody on me.

Well. What's the occasion?



I'm rich.

I won my bets on the Rose Bowl,

the Sugar Bowl, the Cotton Bowl,

and I chunked it all on a
hockey game and I won that.

Hey, all right. All right.

How much did you win?

A hundred and sixteen bucks.

Quite a windfall. Yeah.

Yeah, I still feel tingly.

Hey, hey. Good morning, guys.

Morning.

The, uh, mail come in yet?

Uh, yeah. There's
something your desk.

Oh, beautiful.

Hey, uh, Fish, I'm
taking you to lunch today.

Forget it.

Too proud.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey. Baby, here it is.

This is my first
published short story.

The magazine, it doesn't
come out until Tuesday,

but since I'm a contributing
author I get an advance copy.

Hey, congratulations.

Sir Gent. Entertainment
for the Sophisticated Male.

They publish a lot
of serious fiction.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, see, that's what they
call a "slick" in the trade.

Ah. What's the
name of your article?

Oh, uh, "John and Mary Ann."

Here it is, right here
on page... What?

What's the matter?

They changed the title.

"John and Mary Ann..."

"And Harry and Frank."

Editorial license.

Oh, man. I wrote a beautiful
story about a man and a woman.

Who the hell are
Harry and Frank?

Maybe you'd better
read it and find out.

You write a nice story,
you put it in a magazine,

you have trampolines
and all that stuff...

Man, this is disgusting!

Do we really have
to do this, Joe?

Just don't interrupt,
Lois. I know what's best.

Uh, I want to speak to
someone in authority.

Who's in charge here?

What makes you
think it isn't me?

Is it? No.

Captain Miller.

Hi. Can I help you?
I'm Captain Miller.

We want our daughter back.

Please. I'm Joseph Wheaton.

Um, this is my wife.

The thing is, our daughter
came down here to New York

three months ago
because she said, um,

Providence had lousy karma.

I-It has to do with
a person's destiny.

Yes. I'm familiar with the term.

Sure. But in the meantime
there were the private schools,

the expensive
clothes, her own car.

We thought she was happy.

Well, who the hell knew
the karma would go bad?

Mr. Wheaton, what
seems to be the problem?

We tracked her down to this
restaurant she's working in.

Some freak joint on 2nd Avenue

called the Light of the
East Temple and Herbarium.

I can't say I'm
familiar with the place.

Barney, I am.

It's a... A health
food restaurant.

It's run by a sort
of a religious cult.

I don't care what they are.
They've got my daughter.

We wanted her to
come home with us.

They wouldn't even
let us talk to her.

Well, you can't
talk to her anyway.

They've given her a
new kind of Hindu name

you can't even pronounce.

All right, let's
just take it easy.

Wojo, take a run
over there, check it out.

Sure. Mrs. Wheaton, have a seat.

Thank you. Mr. Wheaton,

we'll, uh, try and get
some answers for you.

It'll take a few minutes.
Harris, go with Wojo.

Man, I tell you. They
take my beautiful prose

and turned it into garbage.

Yeah, that's too bad.

Who are Harry and Frank, anyway?

They're acrobats.

Big ones.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, come on, will you?

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Would you folks
like some coffee?

You got anything stronger here?

There's nothing
stronger anywhere.

Knock, knock. Anybody home?

Bernice, what are
you doing here?

I just stopped by to say hello.

Hello.

What are you doing
all dressed up?

I don't know. It, uh...

It made me feel good.

How are you, Fish?

I'm sick to my stomach.

Again? Still.

So I can't take
you out to lunch.

Oh. That's all right.

I, um... I have to be somewhere.

Where?

An interview, for a job.

A what?

Fish, I've been thinking
about it and I decided...

No. Fish.

Over my dead body.

Don't say things like that.

Go home, Bernice.
We'll talk about it later.

Please, Fish. I wanna
make a contribution.

Not now, I'm nauseous.

But we could use
the extra money.

Bernice, Bernice, don't
air our dirty linen in public.

Fish, you're gonna
retire in a few months.

I wanna be of some help.

I don't need any help.

Besides, you can't do anything.

I sold lingerie in a department
store before the war.

I could do it again.

It's different now, Bernice.

Most of the customers
are men now,

and half of them
aren't buying gifts.

Fish...

Bernice, I don't
want my wife working.

That's it.

Have you found our daughter?

Yeah, right. Barney? What
have they done with her?

Excuse me, Mr. Wheaton.

What happened? Nothing.

She's a nice girl
and, uh, she's pretty.

Excuse me, Mr. Wheaton.

Uh, Barn, we talked to her
and she said everything was fine.

Yeah, uh, Barn, she's 22,

and she said she'd never
been happier in her life.

It's a lie. They've
got her brainwashed.

She seemed to be in a
rational state of mind?

Oh, yeah, very. I mean,
she he was tranquil.

Sure, they've probably
got her drugged.

She's probably on pot or
those funny mushrooms.

No, she wasn't.

How do you know?

Experience.

What's that mean?

Uh, Detective Harris means
he's a trained professional.

He would be able to determine

if someone were under the
influence of narcotics. Right?

Okay.

Look, what I want to know is

are you guys gonna
help us or not?

Well, Mr. Wheaton, the fact is,

your daughter is
legally an adult.

That means this is
not a police matter.

Oh, my baby. I'll
never see her again.

Oh, Lois, quit that.

That poor lady. What
happened to her daughter?

She got a job.

Captain, you leave me no choice.

I've gotta go over your head.

That's your prerogative,
Mr. Wheaton.

Let's go, Lois.

I just wanna say
how grateful we are

for all your help.

Yes, thank you for trying.

Don't contradict me.

I have to go now, Phil.

Bernice, I'm telling you,

I'm commanding
you, don't do this.

Fish, I can't live my
whole life through you.

I'm growing, I'm changing.

Have you started taking
those hormone pills again?

The doctor prescribed them.

Well, then stop it.

It's affecting your mind.

I'll see you tonight.

Bernice.

It's that hormone stuff,
it makes them crazy.

I wouldn't know.

I do, I tried one.

Yeah, the editor-in-chief.

Look, I don't care
what he's doing.

I wanna talk to him
now, or else you can...

All right, yeah, I'll hold.

It's pretty racy stuff, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, man, can you
believe that dribble?

I mean, the infantile
sentences, hackneyed phrases,

mindless characters.

I was commenting
on that to Wojo.

Yeah.

Nick, don't you have anything
better to do with your time?

No.

I thought you were gonna
file those precinct reports.

You said better, not different.

Yeah. No, we got
it. Yeah. Uh, Barney?

That was the Light of the East.

The Wheaton's went over
there and grabbed their daughter.

They shoved her
in a cab and took off.

How homey.

Grab Harris and
take a run over there.

Look, I want my name
taken off that piece of trash.

What do you mean, they've
already been sent out?

Call 'em back.

Yeah. They do it with cars.

Harris, we got work to do.

Well, well, I should've
known better than to even

submit anything to
a raunchy, tasteless,

no-class smut rag like yours.

No, I do not want
a free subscription.

Don't hang up!

Oh, man. You know
what I'd really love to do?

I'd love to send
back that 250 bucks

to that magazine and then
tell them what to do with it.

Why don't you do that?

I'm wearing it.

Uh, give me Dispatch.

You know, some people
have a strange way

of demonstrating their love.

Yeah.

Hey, Sidney.

Here.

What's that?

Those are my betting
slips and my records.

I'm a bookie.

Who asked you?

Wait a minute. Come
on, arrest me, will you?

Arrest me. Sure, why not?

What are you doing?

I'm saving my skin, Nick.

What happened?

I'm busted, that's
what happened.

I've been the victim
of a mass hunch.

Everybody picked right.

The Rose Bowl, the Cotton
Bowl, the Sugar Bowl...

I thought it was just me.

There are guys out there
with oversized knuckles

lookin' for me who
aren't as nice as you.

You mean to tell me
I'm not gonna get paid?

Oh, not right now, but...

Sidney, if I had the guts
I'd break both your arms.

Oh, you wouldn't do that, Nick.

No, but that's still...

I got some pride left.

Sit down.

Sure, with pleasure.

I'll give you 75-to-1 it ain't.

I was sent here.

For anyone in particular?

They told me a Captain Miller.

Yeah, just a second.

Barney!

Captain Miller?

Ah, you must be...

Bodhisattva, owner and
guide of the Light of the East.

Thank you for
coming down, Mr., uh...

I understand you were a
witness to the abduction.

Would that first my sight
had been lost before I was.

So you saw her forcibly
taken from the restaurant?

The universe decrees to our
eyes much that is unpleasant,

and yet must be endured.

You saw it happen?

Yeah. Good!

We are very concerned for her.

She is a delicate girl,
and very much beloved.

I'm sure.

Good waitress too.

Okay. Right this way, please.

Whose side are you guys
on, anyway, for God's sakes?

Come on. I wanna
go back to the temple.

Yeah. Uh, well, you
gotta do this first.

Come and sit...

Well, hello again, Mr. Wheaton.

Why are we being harassed?

I thought you said this
wasn't a police matter.

It wasn't until you,
uh, used coercion

and force on your
daughter. Now it is.

We just wanted
to talk to her alone.

Uh, Barn? Uh,
we got to the hotel

and we heard screaming
in the room, so we went in.

Yeah. Your big boy
kicked down the door.

Manager said he'll
be calling you later.

Thank you.

Are you all right?

I'm sorry and ashamed
this had to happen.

Don't be.

I know we're not supposed
to leave our stations.

It's okay. Gabrilvishna
covered for you.

Gabrilvishna?

The little redhead
with the pimples.

Captain, I know if we just
had a few hours alone with her,

we could bring
her to her senses.

Mr. Wheaton, you
don't seem to realize

the seriousness
of this situation.

If your daughter decides
to file a complaint,

you could be charged
with kidnapping.

My little girl wouldn't do
anything like that to us.

Well, let's see.

Ma'am?

If that's the only way to
make you respect my rights.

Barbara Lynn, you...

You wouldn't put
your mother in jail.

It doesn't mean
I don't love you,

but I have to do
what is required.

Uh, Miss... Uh, Miss Wheaton.

Why don't you...? My
name is Praknamurti.

Praknamurti. Praknamurti.

Why don't you sit down
and give a statement

to Detective Wojciehowicz?

Wojciehowicz.

Uh, Harris, would you take
a statement from Mr., uh...?

Bodhisattva.

Right.

Listen, um, just a preliminary
statement for the time being.

Hold off on the,
uh... On the charges.

All right.

Uh, Barn. Yeah?

Listen, ahem, I'm...
I'm sorry about the door.

You know. I know you
don't like rough stuff.

All right, forget it.

I didn't know it was unlocked.

All right. All right, Rapko,

I'm gonna put you
in the cage now.

Oh, thanks very much.

You're responsible for all this.

You poisoned her
mind against us.

I simply led her to her
own truth and awareness.

Listen, your mumbo
jumbo doesn't fool me.

You're running a
cheap little operation,

and God knows what you do there.

About 30,000 after taxes.

In that place?

I take no drugs. They
are a plague on the body.

Oh, that's great. Me either.

And no tobacco, and no alcohol.

A couple of beers
now and then...

And I took a vow of celibacy.

Celibacy?

No sex.

No kiddin'.

Captain, what happens next?

Well, I'm afraid that's,
uh, up to your daughter.

All depends whether she
wants to press charges or not.

Hmm?

I don't wanna put them in jail.

But I just wanna be left alone
and allowed to live my own life.

All right.

She wants nothing
to do with us, Lois.

Fine. Oh, Joe.

As far as I'm concerned,

Barbara Lynn Wheaton
no longer exists.

Captain, as far
as I'm concerned,

this incident never happened.

All right.

You can go.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Uh, right. Yeah.

You've been very kind.

Uh, nice to see you.

I hope you'll stop by
the temple sometime,

perhaps join our
evening devotions.

Didn't think you had any.

Daddy?

Mom.

Will I ever see you again?

If not in this life,
then in the next.

I see.

Can we go now?

I'll be along later.

You go back to the temple and
meditate on the events of today,

and then replace Gabrilvishna
on the cash register.

Will do.

Goodbye, Wojciehowicz.

Goodbye, uh, Praknamurti.

Mm, mm.

You'd be amazed at the turnover
we get down at the temple.

Really?

Bigger than McDonald's.

They soon weary of the
demands of the austere life.

You dig?

Yeah, I dig. Heh.

Uh, captain, if there's
nothing else required...

No, you've been very helpful.

You should visit us.

I think you would enjoy it.

Perhaps some day.

It is a place where one
can nourish the body,

uplift the spirit and
renew the heart.

Sounds very nice.

We also deliver.

Good.

Hello, Bernice.

Who was that man?

Stay away from him.

I was just asking.

So?

Are you working?

No.

The man at the employment
agency said that I was unskilled,

I had no experience,

and I was 20 years too old.

Forget it. Look
on the bright side.

Are we free to go?

All right.

Come on, Lois, we can catch
a train back this afternoon.

Well, wait a minute, Joe.

There's no reason for
us to stay any longer.

Well, I'm hungry.

We're not going to that place.

I have a feeling for soul food.

Forget it. I have a
real craving, Joe.

Maybe I'm pregnant.

Lois, don't threaten me.

Come on. Please, Joe.

You heard them.

They want us to stay
away from that place.

Right, captain?

Well, the department
frowns on kidnapping,

but, uh, you can have
lunch wherever you want.

Oh, thank you.

Y-You'll look in on her
when you can, huh?

Don't worry.

We will. Yeah,
we'll take care of it.

Her own parents kidnapped
her. How do you like that?

Yeah, well, you know,
statistics show that

most kidnap victims knew
their abductors before the crime.

Oh, yeah? BARNEY: Yeah.

I just thought they picked
somebody at ransom.

You would say
something like that

to a man who's wearing a gun?

I thought it was funny.

What? Never mind.

You'd probably shoot.

Hey, come on.

Even Hemingway was
re-written early in his career.

Yeah, and then he ended up
by shooting himself in the mouth.

Boy, the only thing that
I'm gonna write from now on

is gonna be my laundry list.

Come on, you sold a story, it
was published in a magazine.

You sold a story to magazine?

Yeah, well... That's wonderful.

What magazine?

Sir Gent.

Is it British?

Hardly.

How many people
in the whole world

can say that they're
a published author?

Oh, well, very
few of us. But, uh...

It's not the kind of thing you
wanna gloat over, you know?

I mean, other people, they
don't like to be reminded

of your success all the time.

But in idle
conversation... Fits right in.

Well, I guess I'll go now, Fish.

You have work to do.

Bernice, I bet there are
a lot of jobs you could get,

if you really tried.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You know, Fish,

sometimes you can be
a very exciting person.

I'm gonna buy the magazine
so I can read your story.

Oh, uh, Bernice, I...

Uh, I don't think that
would be a very good idea.

Ah, let her.

But remember, it's fiction.

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