Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 10 - Horse Thief - full transcript

Mr. Johnson, we don't have

enough policemen
down here to help you.

Look, why don't you
try the National Guard?

What's the problem?

J-just a minute, please.

It's the manager of
the Greenwich Hotel.

He says he's got 50 people
in the lobby demonstrating.

What for?

For rooms.

That's a worthy cause.

Yeah, Mr. Johnson...
Mr... List... Wait.



Everybody in New
York is complaining

that business is terrible.

Now, you got a
bicentennial celebration.

What more do you want?

The mayor arrives at 5:30.

The kickoff
ceremony begins at 6.

And these areas will be
roped off for special groups.

We got any problems?

All the local
merchants are being

very cooperative, Barney. Good.

Including our ladies
of the evening.

They said they want very much

to take part in the ceremonies.

I'm not surprised.



I mean, I suppose they're
part of our heritage too.

Sure. There were hookers
around here 200 years ago.

Some of the same ones.

I don't know.

I've been driving a hansom cab
around New York for 35 years.

But this never happened before.

Yeah, uh, Mr. Fuzzo, uh,

w-when did you, uh...?

When did you first notice
that your horse was missing?

At 6:30 this morning

when I went into his stall.

His hay hadn't been slept in.

Harris, uh, run over
to Washington Square

and give Borough
Task Force a hand.

Okay, Barney.

Yeah, right. Right, okay.

Barney, what do you
wanna do about the hotel?

Uh, take a couple of
uniforms and run over there.

And maybe you should
call Travelers Aid,

see if they can relocate
some of the overflow.

Yeah, okay.

You know, maybe I could, uh,

rent my apartment to
about 15 or 16 of them.

You only got one room.

They're used to
that in my building.

Oh, hi, Fish.

The subway was a disaster.

I got up to give my
seat to a fat old lady

and two men took it.

Chivalry isn't dead.

It's obsolete.

Excuse me, Barney,
uh, this is Mr. Fuzzo.

Uh, he drives one of those,
uh, hansom cabs, you know?

And, uh, somebody
stole his horse.

Uh, Mr. Fuzzo, this
is Captain Miller.

Oh, how do you do, captain?
How do you do, Mr. Fuzzo?

We, uh... We've never had...

Never had a horse theft
in this precinct before.

It's part of the
nostalgia craze.

What am I gonna do, captain?

There's thousands
of tourists out there

waiting to take a ride
around the park with Fuzzo.

Do you have any idea who
would wanna take your horse?

Oh, I don't know. One
of the other drivers.

A junkie. A teacher.

Heh. Sit down, Mr. Fuzzo.

We'll, uh... We'll get
started right away.

Detective Wojciehowicz
is gonna send out an APB

on the missing animal.

Do you have a
description? Oh, yeah.

Uh, brown eyes, brown hair,

two white stockings.

Uh, stands about 6'3"

and weighs about 1200 pounds.

Hey, uh, Barn. Barn.

What do you say we, uh...?

We don't tell 'em it's a horse?

I think you better tell 'em.

They may come up with somebody.

Hey, Mr. Fuzzo, don't you worry.

We're gonna do
everything we can.

When Bernice
and I were courting,

we used to ride a
lot in a hansom cab.

I'd rather walk around the park.

Uh, it's healthier.

May be healthier.
It's not safer.

We'd sit there and hold hands

and I couldn't help thinking,

looking at the back
end of that horse,

is he trying to tell
me something?

I'm terribly sorry
to hear that, sir,

but it's the nature
of these celebrations

that the pickpockets
come out with the patriots.

Were you carrying cash
or traveler's checks?

Oh, shame on you.

Don't you pay attention
to Karl Malden?

I'm sorry to hear that, sir,

but, uh, you better dig
up some more money

or you're gonna get
picked up for vagrancy.

Hello, Wilson.

Fish at the 1-2.

How are you?

Good.

Listen, we got a call down
here from some wacko

who says he's gonna

blow the point off
the Chrysler Building.

Yes, I agree.

It's no great loss,
but nonethe...

But nonetheless,

it's probably against the law.

All right, Mr. Franklin,
step inside, please.

Now, look. This
is utterly absurd.

You're going to a lot of
trouble over absolutely nothing.

Amenguale is the
name, trouble is my game.

Now, all we want to
know is who did this to you.

Nobody did anything to me.

Come on, Mr. Franklin.

Who was the woman
in the room with you?

There was no woman.

I was alone.

I slipped on an ice cube
and I banged my head

on the edge of the table.

That's all there was to it.

I don't know why anybody
had to call the police.

Because your next-door neighbors
heard, uh, furniture breaking,

a man and a woman screaming,
and a body hitting the floor.

Why do people have
to jump to conclusions?

Barney, uh, excuse me. We
got a possible assault here.

This is Mr. Franklin.

He's staying at the
Greenwich Hotel. Yeah.

This morning his neighbors
reported a disturbance, right?

The police arrive
and find Mr., uh...

Mr. Franklin here almost
unconscious on the floor

and broken furniture
all over the place.

Has he been to a hospital yet?

Oh, I don't wanna go to
the hospital. I'm all right.

The nurse at the
hotel patched him up.

It looks a lot worse than it is.

Well, maybe a couple
of stitches in a few days.

You know, when I have time.

Why don't you have a
seat over there, please?

And be careful of the furniture.
This belongs to the city.

Barney, the clerk at the
hotel swears that there was

a woman in the room with him.

Well, he was wrong.

Okay, Mr. Franklin, then
how do you explain this?

What is that?

That happens to be

the heel from a woman's
shoe, Mr. Franklin.

It was found in your room.

Now, the nurse at the
hotel swears that this point

fits the hole right
in your head there.

Oh, that's utterly ridiculous.

I slipped on a piece of soap

and banged my head on the sink.

I thought you
slipped on an ice cube

and hit your head on the table.

I slipped on a small thing,

and I hit my head
on a big thing.

Okay?

How long have you been
married, Mr. Franklin?

All my life.

Oh. So this is
the secret police.

No, this is the 12th Precinct,

and it's no secret.

You mean you brag
about this place?

All right, Barn,

I talked to all the hackies

about the missing horse.

If they know something,
they ain't giving it up.

Who is this?

I caught him on my way
back through the park.

He was selling this
stuff at a little table.

You got something against
the free-enterprise system?

Hey, look, you're not supposed
to put the American flag

on anything but the flag.

Look at this stuff.
T-shirts, hats.

Look here. A beach towel.

I mean, people would be
putting their wet, sandy bodies

all over the American flag.

And another thing.

Turn around.

Whatever turns you on.

Fashionable, perhaps.
Disrespectful, yes.

But, uh, against the law?

Oh, come on,
Barn. It's gotta be.

The Supreme Court says no.

Since when?

About a year ago.

You sure?

Would I lie to you?

Well, I ain't lettin' him go

until I see if he's
got some priors.

You hang in there.

I would've kicked his
tail all the way down here

if I thought I could've
missed the flag.

Where do you, uh,
come from, Mr. Franklin?

Well, I'm from
Debussy, Ohio. Hm.

I'm the regional sales manager

for Abigail Adams
Historical, uh, Novelties.

I'm here for the
bicentennial celebration.

Yeah, well, look. This is ours.

See, isn't that nice? Oh.

It's Monticello. Yeah.

It's from our, uh,

Homes of Great Americans
Cufflink Collection.

Yeah. That's very lovely.

I'd like to show you
one of our collections.

We have here photographs
of notorious ladies

of the 12th Precinct.

You will also find these

occasionally in the
homes of great Americans.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
No, you don't sit down.

Come on, I been
on my feet all day.

Yeah, well, if you...

If you wanna sit down, you
gotta take off those pants.

He's right, son.

If you desecrate the
flag, we gotta burn it.

Wherever it may be.

Oh, Barney, uh,

Mr. Franklin is
looking at photographs,

but he still insists
he was alone.

He's a family man.

Well, then, for the
sake of the family men

who have gone before him

and all those who will
follow in his footsteps,

you better find out who it
was who worked him over.

Barney, so far all we got,
the clerk says he thinks

it was a redhead, but, uh...

Look, I'm gonna book him.

If that's what he wants. Yeah.

Uh, Barney,

that was the commander
of the police barn.

One of their horses was stolen.

What is this, an epidemic?

Wait a minute.

Fuzzo loses a horse.
Now we lose a horse.

You better check out Fuzzo.

Hey, Barn.

That was Kogan. We gotta
do something about Pier 10.

Pier 10? Yeah, there's
a bunch of clowns

over there throwin'
tea into the East River.

What is going on
out there today?

The second American Revolution.

Right on schedule.

- Uh, Fish.
- Yeah?

Yeah, take a run
over to Pier 10.

We got some trouble
over on the harbor.

This is beautiful.

Rioting, fistfights, vandalism.

It's lovely way to
celebrate the bicentennial.

You get to be 200 years old,

I guess you get a little cranky.

Hey.

If I don't get to sit down
pretty soon, I'm gonna faint.

Yeah, well, you're
flying the flag,

you stand at attention.

Chano and Harris call in yet?

Mm. Not yet. What about him?

I'm goin' down to check
on his priors now, Barn.

Okay.

Anything serous, Fish?

A group from Long Island,

the League of Frightened Voters.

They were tossing
crates of tea into the river.

Interesting smell.

Orange pekoe and garbage.

Now tell the truth.

Wouldn't it be worth
the price 10 times over

to have this lovely and
timeless silverware collection

in your very own home?

I don't use silverware.

I never got the hang of it.

Oh, captain, my wife called,

said you gentlemen
wanted to see me.

Did you find my horse?

Uh, not yet, Mr. Fuzzo, uh,

but I understand that
you're back in business.

Oh, well, I got another horse.

Oh? Yeah, just temporarily.

Where'd you get it?

I borrowed it.

Ah. From whom?

I... Y-you wouldn't know them.

Try me. We know a lot of people.

Oh, well...

Well, uh, th-they're on
the other side of town.

And... Oh, and they
got a lot of horses.

I mean, one horse, more or less.

Heh-heh. They can
get along without it.

So they gave you one.

Well, like I said,
I borrowed it.

Do they know it yet?

I think they do now.

Mr. Fuzzo, borrowing
without permission

is called stealing.

And we... We of the
police department

frown on activities like that,
particularly when the borrowing

is being done from
the police department.

I wasn't gonna keep it.

I was going to sneak it
back in a couple of days,

in better shape than I got it.

Go downstairs and
take a look at him.

I shampooed him.

I curried his coat.

I-I waxed his hooves.

Oh, he was a mess
when I picked him up.

From the police barn? Yeah.

When you're gonna
borrow, borrow the best.

Mr. Fuzzo...

Mr. Fuzzo, I'm afraid we're
gonna have to hold you.

Nick.

You're gonna...?
You're gonna turn me in?

I'm a cop.

Times like this, we gotta
look out for each other.

You can understand that.

Nick, do me a favor.
Call the police barn.

Tell 'em we got the horse.

And ask 'em to send somebody
over to pick it up, and, uh,

we have to hold Mr. Fuzzo.

All right, Miss Gifford,
step inside, please.

Oh, my God.

That's him.

Hello, creep.

Hey. Hey, I never saw this
woman before in my whole life.

Fuzzo, how's the horsy trade?

Oh, listen, not
bad. How's tricks?

Pretty good.

Till lately.

Barney, this is
Miss Tracy Gifford,

who made a call to room
service last night about 12:30

from Mr. Franklin's room.

Is that true, Miss Gifford?

Yeah, and so far a root beer,

and a grilled cheese sandwich

is all I got outta this.

The waiter recognized
the woman as Miss Gifford,

as she is a frequent
overnight guest at the hotel.

I, uh, apprehended Miss
Gifford in the hotel bar.

Mr. Franklin, is this the
woman who assaulted you?

You bet I am.

You admit it?

You wanna know what happened?

Please.

Okay. Last night, I'm
down walking in the park,

like I'm apt to do.

I sell these buttons.

For the bicentennial,
for charity.

See: "1776 to 1976.

We've only just begun."

Cute, huh?

Anyway, the creep comes up to me

and asks me how much
for one of my buttons.

I tell him the usual price: $60.

He asks me if I will
deliver it up to his room.

So I go up there
with the button.

Jumping ahead a little,
I'm getting ready to leave

and I ask him for my money.

For the button, for charity.

He says, "Try and get it."

So I took appropriate measures,

which he had it coming.

Mr. Franklin, is this
substantially what happened?

I was alone.

You deserve to be.

Mr. Franklin, if
you file a complaint,

we can charge Miss Gifford
with aggravated assault.

Listen, I could file a
few charges of my own,

like restraint of trade.

I'm afraid that's a
little out of our area.

I don't need you.
We got a union now.

Hey, uh, Barn,

I got the makes on that punk.

And?

Well, uh, you're
not gonna believe it.

Guy was a Marine.

Wojo,

it takes all kinds
to make a war.

Hey, uh, you really
in the Marines?

Something wrong with that?

Man, you're tough to please.

Oh, no. See, uh, I
was a Marine too.

Yeah. I remember you.

You won the war.

Out of there.

Now what's the matter?

I just don't want
you around here.

You're a, uh, source
of embarrassment.

Is there a Yemana here?

Yo.

Shriker of the Mounted.

I've come for my horse.

Your horse is down in back.

We got the guy up in front.

His name is Fuzzo.
His name is garbage

when I get through with him.

Whoa. What's going on here?

Uh, captain, this
is Officer Shriker.

He wants his horse.
And the guy that took him.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Shriker, I gotta tell you

there were some, you
know, special circumstances.

Yeah, well, in another
town, in another time,

they'd hang him from a tree.

I can understand how you feel.

You don't fool
with a man's horse.

Look... Look, Shriker,

uh, Mr. Fuzzo here
has a hansom cab,

and he needed a horse.

Didn't he know that?

That... That is, he had a
horse, but somebody stole it.

Isn't that always the way, huh?

Look, Mr. Fuzzo took really
good care of your horse.

He really did. Why don't you
go down back, take a look at it?

You'll see.

Well...

Okay, I need coolin' out anyway.

Man, I'm tellin' you,

they can count me out
of the next bicentennial.

Washington Park look like
the bottom of a birdcage.

You all right?

Oh, it was, uh, very
inspiring, captain.

All those flags flyin'
around, you know?

People beatin' up on
each other and stuff.

I must have made 12 arrests.

I hope you didn't
bring 'em here.

I took 'em to Manhattan South.

I'm on my way back
down there now.

The mayor get in
and out all right?

Well, he got in okay,

but he had a little
trouble gettin' out.

You see, his limousine
ran out of gas.

He didn't have no money,

and wouldn't nobody
give him none.

Mr. Fuzzo, how
much can a man make

driving people around the park?

You mean reported income?

That much, huh?

Oh, you'd like it.

I know a lot of guys drive cabs

when they get old
enough to retire.

How do you know how old I am?

Well, you take a guy's height,

then you multiply it
by the number of times

he goes to the
bathroom every day.

It ain't my horse.

Are you sure?

Hey, I know my horse.

I mean, don't you think a
fella knows his own horse?

W-wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Mr. Fuzzo, did
you or did you not

take that horse
from the police barn?

I did. I swear it.

Would I lie about
something I stole?

Well, he took it.

It's Cooley's gelding.

I don't ride geldings.

Look, you wanna take
the horse or don't you?

Uh, yeah, I guess
maybe I better.

Hey, I got to admit something.
He really knows his horses.

I mean, that horse
looks happier with you

than he ever did with Cooley.

Thanks.

Look, uh, Shriker, think
anybody would mind

if it took a couple
of extra days

before the horse got back?

O-oh. I don't know.
I... I could ask Cooley.

He's down in Washington
Square riding crowd control.

Good, you do that.

Mr. Fuzzo, why don't you
go with Officer Shriker?

No, that's... That's okay.
That's okay. That's okay.

Hey, wait a minute.

If you got Cooley's horse,

Cooley's got mine.

Cooley uses spurs.

O-oh. Oh, I hate that.

Any guy that uses spurs

should be horsewhipped.

Uh, Barney, Mr. Franklin
still insists he was alone,

and the hotel says they'll
accept payment for the damages

and drop all charges.

Everybody happy? Yeah.

Let him go home. Uh, Barney, uh,

you wanna hold Miss Gifford?

For selling buttons?

No. She's got a
license for that.

All right, Mr. Franklin,
you're free to go.

Yeah? That's right.

Oh, yeah? Oh, thank you.

I got a plane to catch.

Yeah, uh, do me a favor, huh?

Next time you come to
New York on a vacation,

stay in Philadelphia.

I was alone.

Miss Gifford, you're free to go.

You got a mirror I could use?

Sure, it's right over the
sink in the bathroom.

Thank you. All right.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, uh, you're sure
gettin' into the spirit of things

with all those buttons, huh?

I'm selling them
during the bicentennial.

No kiddin'? Yeah.

Oh, well, I'll take a few.
Uh, how much for three?

A hundred and 80 dollars.

A hundred and 80 dollars.

Mm-hm.

Hey, Barn, you know
what that girl's selling?

Yeah. I know what she's selling.

Seems like a lot of
money for something

you're gonna throw
away in a couple weeks.

Oh, boy. Some day, huh?

I'll say. Whew.

So how's everything
going with you, Fish?

Oh, pretty good.

And yourself?

You don't have to talk.

When two people know
each other as long as we do,

don't feel obligated
to make conversation.

They say we're due
for some rain next week.