Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 11 - Rain - full transcript

The squad must work through the precinct roof threatening to collapse from the rain and a nightclub comic's Bicentennial jokes.

Well, can you give me some
idea when it's gonna let up?

I mean, eight hours from now?

Twenty-four hours?

Forty days?

I hate the rain.

Can't go anyplace.

Can't do anything.

Outside, I mean.

Can't play ball.

Can't go for a bike ride.

Hey, there's an article here.

Some guy claims that
the weather conditions

are controlled by
the Rockefeller family.

So they can bring about
one world government.


Ever see Rocky with an umbrella?

He don't need one.

It don't rain on him.



It don't rain on him.

Stop it.

Just stop it.

Gets on your nerves
after a while, doesn't it?

Oh, man.

Why are all the bigwigs

in that big glass building
with the radiant heating,

while we who do the work,
we gotta work in a sieve?

What's more, you'd
better get some more pans.

'Cause according to
the weather bureau,

it's not gonna let up
until tomorrow afternoon

at the earliest.


If this keeps up all night,

I may kill somebody
before morning.

I get a call, I'm
up here in a flash.

So what's all this about leaks?

You got eyes?

They're from the roof.

Do you think you'll be able

to do anything about
it, Mr. Beckman?

I'll have to go up on
the roof and take a look.

Well, we would appreciate that.

It's a bad building, captain.

Was a big scandal when
it was finished in '32.

They put sand in the
cement, water in the plaster,

used rotten wood for the frames.

Everybody went to jail.

Ironic, isn't it?

From the rain, all right.

Gets on the roof and then
leaks all through the ceiling.

You know what I like
about you, Beckman?

You got grasp.

My pleasure, captain.


Twelfth Precinct. Detective
Sergeant Amenguale speaking.

Oh, lousy weather.

You should see the subway.

Ah, there's one thing
though. A good rain always

washes all that garbage
and dirt off the street.

Yeah, right into the subway.


Barney, that was a Mr. Gardeno,

owner of the Chez
Ho-Ho Nightclub.

Says some guy
started a fight over there

and they're
busting up his place.

Oh, take a run over there. Okay.

Harris, uh, go with Chano.

Hey, why me, captain?

I just got out of the rain.

It's like getting
out of the ocean

and then going right back in.

You know, the
shock isn't as great.

Hey, but I just ate.

Don't I have to wait an hour?

Come on, Harris.

Your idiocy is
lost on the captain.

No, man. Wow.

That's all you gonna wear?

Yeah, man.

I don't like all
that heavy stuff.

See that, man? What I like

is to get wet on the
outside, not on the inside.

How did they know?

Another one, huh?

Beckman's up on the roof

trying to see what he
can do about these leaks.

Remind me to change
these pants... Yeah.

Before I go home.

Uncomfortable, huh?

No, Bernice gets turned on

by the smell of wet corduroy.

You should see it.

There's 6 inches of
water up there, captain.

The buildings on either side
are draining onto your roof.

The Rockefellers again.

They're gonna have
to pump that water off.

And we can't do it
until the rain stops.

And until you can, we're
gonna get more leaks. Right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Into each life
some rain must fall.

Not necessarily.

Twelfth Precinct. Fish.

You can get a hernia doing this.

I can get a hernia from
doing just about anything.

Twelfth Precinct. Sergeant Fish.

No, I... No, no, ma'am.

I don't think the Hudson
will overflow its banks.

Would you leave a nice, soft bed

to flow through a cold,
dirty city like New York?


No more coffee?

Comin' up, Barney.

You gonna use that water?

It's rainwater. The
best kind there is.

Some people
wash their hair in it.

It's just come
through the ceiling.

That... That moldy,
termite-infested ceiling.

That filters out the impurities.

Okay, Mr. Ace.

Uh, you better
come over this way.

I could've done easy stuff.

Wife jokes, spoofs
on commercials.

I wanted to do something fresh.

Uh-huh. Innovative.

What happened?

Silence followed
by physical abuse.

Uh, Barney, this is, um...

Jackie Ace. You heard of me?

Why, you got a record?

Mr. Ace is a comedian.

He was, uh, doing his
monologue at the nightclub,

and, uh, apparently it
wasn't going over too well.

Pearls before swine.

Regardless, Mr. Ace
began insulting the audience.

What insults? I did stuff like,

"Well, I see I'll have
to speed up, folks.

I know some of your
tractors are double-parked."


Mr. Ace left the stage and
went out into the audience.

And, uh, apparently as the
result of a comment he made

concerning the
ankles of a man's wife,

a fight ensued
and turned out to be

pretty much of a free-for-all.

Mr. Gardeno, the
owner of the club,

is holding Mr. Ace personally
responsible for the damage

and is coming down
to press charges.

Just like Lenny Bruce.

You try to do topical
material, they crucify you.

You're being held on
disorderly conduct, Mr. Ace.

Not social criticism.

Mr. Ace, would you, uh,
have a seat over here, please?

What is this, you gonna
have a dance later on?

Boy, is this depressing.

Makes me homesick.

Why don't you
write 'em a letter?


I used to do that.

I don't do it anymore.

I like to save all my news

for when I get
home at Christmas.

Last year, if I hadn't
got sick on a train

we wouldn't have had
nothing to talk about.

Boy, is that depressing.

Yeah, now that you mention it.

Crummy Philistines.

I-I do a beautiful routine.

I mean, it's current.
It's thought-provoking.

I do bicentennial impressions.

Vignettes of our
nation's founding.

Huh? Classy, right?

Yeah, okay. Date of birth?

October 12, 1924.

Hey, get a load of this. Dig.

John Hancock signing the
Declaration of Independence:

Wait a minute, do I
get to read this first?


You didn't think that was funny?

Mr. Ace, we got
a lot of work to do.

Otherwise, I would be laughing!


Pretty good, huh?

For a non-pro, eh.


Wow, it's still raining.

Yeah, depressing, ain't it?

It's not as depressing
as this coffee.

What's the matter
with it? I just made it.

Tastes like a roof.

You want good
coffee, get married.

It's tasting better.

I'm at the 12th Precinct.

No, it's not a nightclub.

I'm under arrest.

Well, come down and
get me out of here, will ya?

You're my agent. You're
responsible for me.

And hurry up.

You know I'm
allergic to persecution.

Look... Look, if you
guys are gonna beat me,

will you let me take off my tux?

Come on, Mr. Ace.

We're just gonna
put you in a cell

until bail is provided.

Oh. Step this way, please.

Boy, was I doing great tonight.

But you should have
seen that audience.

They sat there and stared
at me like I was a freak!

This way, please. Wait
a minute. Look. Listen.

Benedict Arnold to Nathan Hale:

"Hang in there, kid."

This way, Mr. Ace.

Mollie Pitcher at the
Battle of Monmouth:

"Everybody got water?

How about some
napkins and silverware?"

In here, Mr. Ace of Clubs, huh?

One more, one
more! There we are.

Yeah, sure. Betsy Ross
to George Washington:

"I don't know how to sew teeth."

Don't we have any crime?

You just missed it.

Oh, Mr. Beckman. How
we doing with the roof?

I got some good news and
then I got some bad news.

I could've done
good-news-bad-news jokes.

I just wanted to elevate.

Could you possibly
consolidate them

into one piece of
lackluster news?

I've just been up
on the roof again.

There's over 5 feet
of water there now.

I'm no engineer.

But my personal opinion is that

that roof can't support
all of that water.

Nick, call emergency services.

Are you telling us that

that roof could
collapse on top of us?

That's crazy.

Water is a lot
heavier than it looks,

like when it's in a glass.

Hey, ha... Hey, uh, dig this.

Paul Revere to
Benjamin Franklin:

"There's a crack
in the Liberty Bell.

I told you we should
have got a horn."

Huh? Huh? Huh?


This is, uh, Captain
Miller of the 12th Precinct.

Look, we've got a
very old building here.

And I've just been
informed we've got

5 feet of water on the roof.

It appears... Well,
don't you think

that's gonna create
an unnatural stress?

I mean...

You certain?

Okay. Thank you.

Says that it's
structurally impossible

for anything to happen.

Says he'd stake
his reputation on it.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Hey, building's 40 years old.

I mean, a little water's
not gonna bring it down.

You'd be amazed how much water

an old structure can hold.

Hey, man, look at this mess. Oh.

Didn't you know this thing
was filling up with water?


I can hear water
when it's dripping.

I can't hear water when
it's sneaking down a wall.

Hey, man, here's one
marked confidential.

I sure hope we meant it,

'cause ain't nobody
ever gonna read this one.

Take my word for it, captain.

You have nothing to worry about.

Well, if you say...
What's going on here?

The files have
filled up with rain.

Doesn't surprise me.

Now, you hear that?

Now, they've been
coming 15 minutes apart.

Well, pack a bag, dear.

It's time to leave
for the hospital.

The roof is settling.

The roof is settling? This
building is 40 years old.

How come it didn't
settle 40 years ago?

You don't understand
the dynamics of a building.

A building isn't just static.

It moves. It breathes.

It expands. It, uh, contracts.

Sways back and
forth in the wind.

That's what killed the Edsel.

- Excuse me, I'm looking for...
- Arthur! Arthur!

In here. Jackie,
baby. What happened?

I was attacked
for being relevant.

Sweetheart, let me handle this.

Officer, uh, my name
is Bloom. Arthur Bloom.

I'm Mr. Ace's agent.

Will you explai...
My God, what is that?

No need to be alarmed.

It's just the building
catching its breath.

Hey Barney, come on,
where can we put this?

I mean, we're running
out of dry places.

The safest place is
right there in that cell.

That's where the
bracing of the ceiling is.

Put it in there.

Save some room for us.

Uh, excuse me.

Officer, I just wanna say

that the conditions in
this jail are intolerable.

I may lodge a formal complaint.

Lodge it. I'll sign it.

Still raining in here.

Still raining out there?

Yeah, it's depressing, isn't it?

Well, it can't last forever.

Why not?

Never has before.

Oh, what difference
does it make, anyway?

I blew it.

I should be in Barbados,

retired and living
on my royalties

as a best-selling author.

But I blew it.

Well, you still got time.

Couldn't catch a
flight out of here

while it's raining, anyway.

Yeah, here you go. He's in here.

Mr. Gardeno, it was
wonderful of you to come down.

Don't tell me about wonderful.

You don't know
anything about wonderful.

You told me he was wonderful.

Where'd you get that
wonderful audience tonight?

Rent them from the Nazi Party?

Thank you. Will
you please? Please.

Do you know what my
club looks like inside?

A junkyard.

Good, now it
matches the outside.

Mr. Gardeno,

on behalf of my client
I wanna apologize.

And may I offer a wonderful
solution for all of us.

A little bit of water
never hurt anything.

I'd stake my professional
reputation on it.

You're absolutely
certain there's no danger?

I'd be surprised to pick
up tomorrow's papers

and read that this
building had collapsed.

I'll bet you won't
let it ruin your day.

Roof's gonna be
all right, huh, Barn?

You heard the man.

He stakes his
professional reputation on it.

Yeah, well, we all die tomorrow,

who's gonna know that?

We'll leave a note.

Who's the guy with the agent?

Gardeno, the nightclub owner.

He come to press charges?

Trying to work things out.

Look at that.

They don't need us anymore.

Looks like nobody
needs us anymore.


Uh, you got a minute?


All I'm asking is that you
give him one more chance.

You told me he did funny stuff.

He does funny stuff.

Wonderful, classy, magnificent.

Jackie, Jackie, do, uh... Mm?

Do, uh, James Monroe, huh?

James Monroe? Yeah.

"Is there a doctrine
in the house?"

Yeah. Huh? Huh? Huh?

I don't get it. Who's
James Monroe?

For God sakes. Read a book.

I don't know.

Are we getting anywhere, Barney?

It's hard to say.

Where do you wanna go?

Uh... I expected
things would get better.

It just seems the
harder we work,

the more everything
stays the way it was.

That's called progress.


Just seems like
such a waste of time.

It's not a waste of time.

We contribute.


But we're not respected, Barney.

You see?

If there's one thing I wanted

more than anything
else in the world,

it's respect.

Now I would
settle for a little...


You're still aiming too high.

Thank you.

How can you collect damages
if he doesn't have a job?

Easy, I'll take
everything he's got.

Ha. You're too late, pal.

My ex-wife's got it all.

The car, the boat, the
chateau in Flushing.

Jackie, come on. And I
don't need that character.

You understand? I got talent.

♪ I'll give my thanks
On Thanksgiving ♪

♪ For winding up
With a turkey like you ♪

That's supposed to be good?

It's great. Do yourself a favor.

The only way he's gonna be able

to pay damages is
if... If he's working.

So let him get a job.

Yeah, well, why don't
you book him back again

so you'll get even?

♪ If these April
showers Keep falling ♪

♪ And the floods
Come raging through ♪

♪ Don't come home To my house ♪

♪ My house will
Come over to you ♪

This has got to be

the worst night I've
ever spent on the job.

Well, you're young yet.

I got good news, captain.

We got a pump on the roof

and we're draining off
the water into the air shaft.

Barney? Mm.

Barney, the air shaft
is filling up with water

and it's leaking
into the storeroom.

You got any
suggestions, Beckman?

Listen, we took
care of the roof,

we'll take care
of the storeroom.

Okay. Uh, Barney,

Mr. Gardeno has decided
not to press charges. Oh.

He's gonna keep Mr. Ace
on till he pays the damages.

What about all those
possible assaults?

Well, nobody's
filing any complaints.

Turn him loose.


Look at that.

The only catch of the night
and we gotta throw him back.

Okay, Mr. Ace. It
has been entertaining

having you, uh, play
the 12th Precinct.

We hope never to have you back.

Ha-ha. Thanks.

And listen, you
guys are all invited

to be my guests at the club.

I'm gonna open with a new act.

Will it be funny?

Are you kidding? It's
can't-miss material.

I call it my Renaissance Revue.

You see, he does takeoffs
of famous personalities

of the 16th century.

Jackie, do... Ha-ha.

Do Michelangelo.


Hold it!

I think we ought to
wallpaper instead!


What, you don't know him either?

You ostrich!

Mr. Gardeno! Mr. Gardeno!

Oh, Barn, it's a mess in there.

I mean, everything's soaked.

The records, the forms,
all the stolen property.

All the nightsticks
are gonna warp.

Only place in the whole
building without running water

is the bathroom.

That's it.

That's it.

Nick, get the
division commander.

I think we've all
had enough, huh?

I've had it up to here.

With inefficiency.
With complacency.

With... With... With trying
to keep this place together

with spit and wire!

I'm sick and tired of
trying to keep the lid

on this potboiler
situation we're living in!

With... With no
heat, no air, no light.

No decent toilets!

They are gonna hear it from me!

I don't want any excuses. I
don't wanna hear from budgets.

I don't wanna hear any
cockamamie fiscal garbage.

They can take
this job! They can...

Barney, I can't get through.

Uh, the phone lines
must be washed out.

What happened?

A piece of the
ceiling collapsed.

Sure, what do you expect?

Can't yell in a
building like this.

Listen, everyone, I, uh...

I'd like to apologize
to everybody...

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

I'm the one always saying
keep things in perspective and...

Hey, forget it, Barney.

I mean, we all were
depressed tonight.

Uh, you're just the first
person to put it into screams.

I mean, depression
is a lot like a cold.

One guy gets it, he
starts passing it around.


But you can't let it get you.

What you gotta do is
develop an Oriental philosophy.

Like my grandfather used to say:

"Many things look bleak at
the moment of occurrence,

but at least we
ain't got locusts."