Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 9 - You Dirty Rat - full transcript

A-R-Z-E-R.

What's your, uh,
first name, Frazier?

Wendell.

Wendell. W-E-N-D-E-L.

Grand theft auto.

One police car.

Hey, what were you gonna do
with a police car, huh, Wendell?

I figured I'd sell it.

Anybody check in yet?

Not yet, Barney.

How do you sell a hot
green and white, Wendell?



Oh, you paint it all
green or all white.

You stole a police car?

Yeah, can you dig it?

A fire engine I can dig...

but some things are sacred.

Where's Fish?

He's on his way up.

What happened?

We blew it.

Fish, what happened?

We blew it.

That's what they just said.

They're right.

Do I get any details?



No. Not all of 'em.

Some of them.

I'm gonna have to
know sooner or later.

Chano?

Well, Barney...

we staked out in the
car across the street

from this apartment
building, right?

And we'd been there all morning.

Finally, the suspect
comes out carrying that box.

Fish calls out to him,
"Halt! Police officers."

But Fish forgot to
roll down the window,

so the guy can't hear us.

I thought it was down.

We never should
have washed the car.

Anyway, I jump
out into the street,

pull out my piece and
say, "Hold it, police officer."

The guy takes
off down the block.

We go right after him.
Chuggaroom, chuggaroom.

Yemana falls down,
I fall on top of him.

So there we are,
rolling around...

Sure you wanna hear all this?

No, but I have to.

I suggested a cover-up.

Anyway, what happens...

I'm lying there with two
garbage cans around my foot.

Hey, and then Fish, uh, runs

into the alley, and... And he...

And he leaps over
us like one of...

What do you call
those things in Africa

that run and leap
through the air?

Slaves.

You mean a gazelle?

Yeah. That's it.

Like a big, beautiful gazelle.

Proof that age and grace

can go together.

Anyway, Fish chases
the guy down the alley.

The guy drops the box,

jumps over a fence
and gets away. Well...

Leaving us with this story...

and 20 kilos of marijuana

individually wrapped
in one-kilo packages.

All right! Let's get some food.

Well, you better lock it up.

Okay.

You all right?

Oh, I'm fine. Just a
pain in the lower back.

Probably from all that running.

Hey, well, let me
carry it. No, no, no.

You s...? You
wanna see a doctor?

It's a common condition
among gazelles...

my age.

Hey, man.

I'll give you 30 bucks a lid.

Thirty bucks? Uh...
Oh, let me see.

Thirty lids to a kilo.

That's, um...
uh-huh... 20 kilos.

That's almost $18,000.

You got that much on you?

Oh, man, I'm good for it.

Come on, Frazier.

We're negosh...
Hey, we're negotiating.

Twelfth Precinct. Harris.

Did you at least get a
good look at the pusher?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We'll
go through the mug book

and see if we can
find him. Okay.

Why can't we fix up a nice
mug-book reading room,

with a couple of chairs,
a nice bowl of fruit...

Oh, God, man. Will
you please...? Come on.

We'll be right over.

Barney, it's the manager over
at Siegel's Department Store.

They're holding a guy.

For what?

Breaking and entering.

Sounds like burglary, I guess.

Don't worry, Harris.
I'll go with you. Heh.

Barney.

It's Fish. He's out cold.

Are you sure the doctor said

it's okay to come back so soon?

At least take the
rest of the day off,

if you want to.

If he don't, I do.

All right, all right.

All right, we'll see
you in a little while.

Pshew. Stubborn.

What's the matter with him?

He's got a kidney stone.

But he doesn't wanna go home.

Says at a time like this he
wants to be among friends.

Sentimental fool.

Okay, Mr. Holliman.

Have a seat right
over here, please.

Oh. Thank you very much.

Boy, this must be the oldest

police station
I've ever been in.

Actually, we rank second.

We're just a couple of minutes
younger than Devil's Island.

Hey. How's Fish?

He's got a kidney stone.

Is he, uh, all right?

The doctor gave him some pills.

He's on his way over.

Oh, a kidney stone
can be quite painful.

It should be
avoided at all costs.

Um, this is
Mr. Holliman, captain.

Oh. How do you do, captain?

Heh. He, uh, spent the weekend

in Siegel's Department Store.

Yeah. Uh, now they
wanna press charges

for breaking and entering.

I didn't break in.

Then how did you get in?

Well, I went there last Saturday

for some samples:

uh, miniature hot dogs,
uh, little cheese pieces.

Then I got sleepy.

And when I woke up...
the store was closed.

Where did you sleep?

In the executive washroom.

You know what?

They've got a
television set in there.

I'm afraid you can be held
for trespassing, Mr. Holliman.

Well, I didn't hurt anything.

I was just watching television.

Then I got hungry again.

So I went in the
Gourmet department,

and I opened a few cans.

But I'll pay them
back as soon as I get

my Social Security check.

Why didn't you get out of
there before they found you?

I overslept.

Couldn't find an alarm clock.

Okay, Mr. Holliman.
But first, downstairs.

We have to get some fingerprints

and have a few
pictures taken, huh?

Pictures?

Oh, well. I-I-I'm sorry

I don't look a little
more... presentable.

It's okay, Mr. Holliman.
You look just fine.

Harris, can you take him too?

Yeah, sure. You too, Frazier.

Hey, look here, man. My picture
gonna be in the paper, man?

Oh, no, baby. We don't want you

to develop a following.

Twelfth Precinct. Wojciehowicz.

Uh, j-just a second.

Barney, it's a Lieutenant
Riley from Narcotics.

He says he's sending a guy over

to pick up the marijuana
we confiscated.

Okay, tell him
it's waiting for him.

All right.

It's, uh, waiting
here, all 20 kilos.

Okay.

Why don't you get it ready,
pull it out of the closet?

All right.

Hey, hey! Look who's here. Hey.

Hey, how you doing, Fish?

You look great.

How do you feel?

Fine. Fine. Fine

It's, uh, just a little stone,

from eating the wrong foods.

You better, uh... You
better call Bernice.

She was very worried.

I intend to.

I believe in giving credit

where credit is due.

The doctor wants me to...

drink a lot of fluids

so I can go to the bathroom.

A lot.

Oh, you mean, uh,

just go on as if
nothing had happened.

Yeah.

Hey, uh, Chano. Yeah?

I thought you guys said you got

20, uh, kilos of marijuana.

That's right. That's it.

There's 18 now.

What?

Eighteen. You sure?

Just counted it.

Count it again.

Ah. Must've made
a mistake, Wojo.

I didn't make a mistake.

Well, somebody did.

Four pounds of
marijuana can't disappear

in a puff of smoke.

Not that fast.

You sure you didn't
make a mistake, Fish?

There were 20 kilos

when I brought
it in this morning.

There's a lot of
things I can't do.

But counting isn't one of them.

It's 18 kilos, Barney.

Check out the closet, Wojo.

No, it's clean.
Check it out again.

Look behind the
shelves, on the floor.

I don't get it. I mean,
we're the only ones

who've got the
key to that closet.

Where could it be?

"Confiscated Drugs
Missing from Police Station."

It's gonna make a
wonderful headline.

Well, I got bit by a rat.

A rat?

Yeah, I was moving
one of the boxes in there,

and he jumped out and bit me.

Sh... Where is he now?

He's in there. I shut
the door on him.

I'll get him.

I got a lot of experience
with that kind of thing.

What were you doing,
kneeling on the ground?

No, man.

He just stood up on
his hind legs and bit me.

Hold this.

Hey, Fish... how you doing?

I don't know.

I'm waiting.

Hey, Fish...

does it hurt when
those stones come out?

Can't be too bad.

The doctor says
it's like giving birth.

Um, yeah, may I help you?

Becker... from Becker and Son.

You called for an exterminator.

Oh. Yeah.

Okay. Wait just a minute.

Barney? Huh?

The exterminator's here.

Captain will be
right with you, sir.

No hurry.

I work by the hour.

How do you do?
I'm Captain Miller.

Sam Becker from Becker and Son.

I understand you got rats.

One of my men was bitten by one.

We wouldn't have called you,

but we couldn't get
a good shot at him.

You used a gun?

Shame on you.

We don't consider rats

an endangered
species, Mr. Becker.

Yeah. They just love
old buildings like this.

Rotten wood.

Crummy plaster walls.

It's home.

They could run up and
down these walls for years,

and you'd never know.

Hey! There goes two of 'em now.

Oh, boy.

Did you hear something?

No. They don't make any noise.

Sometimes they do.

Sometimes they can
go in and out so fast,

you never even know
they've been there.

If they're very small.

Right.

If they're big, they'll
tear you to pieces.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Looks like I'll be in
and out of here all day.

I gotta set traps,
make plans for strategy.

You better call Kogan.

Tell him Mr. Becker is gonna be

floating around the building.

Uh, will your son be coming too?

What son?

Isn't that the name of
your firm, Becker and Son?

I'm the son.

My father died 10 years ago.

I still keep his
name on the truck.

You know, matter of respect. Oh.

Barney... I can't find that guy.

He must've been
some two-bit runner.

Don't worry about it.

We'll catch up to
him sooner or later.

What I'd really like
to get my hands on

is that two kilo of grass.

Oh. Ch... I know.

Hey. See the doctor?

Yeah. And?

Oh, he, uh... He put some
stuff in it and then, uh,

just put a Band-Aid on it.

Just... Fine, yeah. Sure.

Feeling all right, Wojo?

Yeah, great. Heh.

You sure?

Well... I guess I'm
s... Sort of worried.

Why not?

I just... I figure the
rat might have rabies.

Rat rabies? Yeah.

There hasn't been a case
of rat rabies in New York City

for... I don't know how long.

No kidding. Now
bubonic plague...

Bubonic plague?

Oh, it just wiped out
about half of Europe once.

That was a long time ago, Wojo.
Relax. It was a long time ago.

Might come back.

Everything comes back.

Everything but narrow lapels.

Twelfth Precinct. Yemana.

Barney, it's for you. It's
Siegel's Department Store.

I'll take it in my office.

Two.

Hey. I-i-is that about me?

Yep.

Keep your fingers crossed.

I can't. I've got arthritis.

Hey, uh, Fish. What...?

What...? What happens
when you get bubonic plague?

Oh, your tongue swells up.

You can't talk,
and you can't eat.

God.

Hope I don't have it. Heh.

With some people,
it's an improvement.

Hey, son.

What did you do with
that police car you stole?

I gave it to my mother.

You must love her very much.

Del Vecchio.

Narcotics.

Fish.

Diuretics.

That's funny.

Not at 3 in the morning.

I'm here to pick up
the 20 kilos of grass.

Captain Miller's on the phone.

I'll wait.

Look, uh... Uh, Del Vecchio.

Uh, I'm Wojciehowicz.

I'm... I'm the guy that
talked to, uh, Sergeant Riley,

and I told him that there
was 20 kilos of marijuana, see.

But actually it's only 18.

Eighteen.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, you see, uh...

See, Fish here was the guy

that counted it in the
first place, and, uh...

And he... He, uh, was in

kind of a hurry, and so he...

probably got it wrong.

Gee whiz. What an
unfortunate mistake.

Right. Right.

Could have happened
to anybody. Heh.

Well, we have a saying
about that down in Narcotics.

No kidding. Ha.

What is it?

"Gee whiz. What an
unfortunate mistake."

Mr. Holliman... Siegel's
Department Store

has decided not
to press charges.

There you go. Well...

Yeah, that's very nice.

Maybe I should pop around
and thank them in person.

Uh, if I were you,

I'd, uh, settle for
a telephone call.

Well, in that case,
I'll have to wait

till the first of the month.

Nick, would you get
Mr. Holliman's, uh,

personal effects.

He's wearing 'em.

I mean the, uh...

brown envelope in the safe.

Oh, those personal effects.

But Captain Miller, I
didn't have anything

when I came here.

No, you don't understand the,
uh, penal system in New York.

When a person does time,
on the day he's released...

the state gives him $20,

just to make sure he
gets off on the right track.

But I've only been
up the river two hours.

You still get the 20 bucks.

Aha.

Here you are, Barney.

Fourteen dollars and 35 cents.

Five dollars and 65 cents off

for good behavior.

Ah, you're very kind.

Now, son...

don't let this fool you.

Crime doesn't pay.

I bet he hasn't
the slightest idea

where he's gonna sleep tonight.

I know where I'm
gonna sleep tonight.

And it's no bargain either.

Uh, Barn...

Uh, this is, uh,
Detective Del Vecchio

of, uh, Narcotics,

who came over to collect

the 20 kilos of marijuana,

of which I explained to him

there were only 18,

on account of what happened
with Fish this morning...

The point is that, uh... I
think we've got a miscount.

I understand.

Wanowski explained
the whole thing to me.

Wojciehowicz.

Just... Just... Just
like you spell it.

Wo... Wojciehowicz.

Now, look...

we thought... that
is, we assumed

that we had 20 kilos of grass.

But...

in reality, we only
had 18. Right?

Uh... I-I thought we had, uh...

I-I mean, my 10...

Listen, fella, you
don't understand.

It doesn't matter to me.

Ten, 15.

Give me what you got.

I'll take it back.

We got 18 kilos.

Beautiful.

It's better than nothing, right?

Wojo, get the stuff. Look...

Look, the point is...

when you change the number
on the report downtown, I...

I want to make sure that all
the circumstances are explained.

Oh, listen to me.

The less you say
about this, the better.

You don't get the point.
I want it on the record.

Whatever you say.

You know, you
guys do quite a job.

You lay your life on
the line every day.

Hey, man, come on.

We get paid to do that.

Of course we do.

We get paid. We get pensions.

I mean, what, 2 kilos of grass?

What does that come to?

A lousy 2 grand.

I offered to give
'em 30 bucks a lid.

They wouldn't take it.

Mind your own business!

Wojo, fill out a
receipt for 18 kilo

and have, uh,
Del Vecchio sign it.

I'll sign it blank.
Can fill it out later.

That's not the way

we do business around here!

That didn't sound right.

That's not the way we
operate around here.

We do everything by the
book, according to regulations,

aboveboard.

I believe you.

You don't look like you do.

Oh, it's my face.

I mean, this face doesn't
look like it trusts anybody.

When I proposed to my wife, hm,

she thought I was joking.

This face, it's a curse.

Here you go. Sign here.

Oh, that's nice doing
business with you, captain.

There's an old expression:

"Live and get well."

That's, "Live and be well."

Whatever you say.

Where'd you get this?

Uh, the officer told
me to bring it up here.

He said you guys
were looking for it.

Where'd you find it?

In the basement,
behind the boiler.

I was getting
ready to set a trap,

when I saw this great
big pack rat down there.

Pack rat.

I should've guessed.

He had it stacked
against the wall,

and he was eating off this one.

Oh, that explains it.

Rat heisted the grass.

You don't believe it?

It's my face.

Hey, look, in my
building, they come big.

I mean, they... They come big
enough to move the furniture.

That's right.

This one stood
up on his hind legs

and gritted his teeth at me.

Yeah, I know that one. Heh.

Well, I picked up a
shovel and I clobbered him,

and he just laid there
with a smile on his face.

Okay, Del Vecchio. Satisfied?

Absolutely.

When I get downtown,
I'll explain it to them

exactly the way it happened.

Let me see now.

You guys had a rat.

It stole the grass.

The rat ate the grass.

The rat didn't like the grass,

so the rat sent it back.

See you, guys.

Think he believes it?

Would you?

Yeah, okay. Thank you.

Hi, there. Hi, Barney.

You finished at court?

Uh, yeah.

The, uh, Frazier kid
was arraigned yesterday.

He'll probably get
a year suspended,

two years' probation. Oh.

Uh, Wojo's assigned
to the DA's office today.

And Chano and Yemana
are still down at, uh, Narcotics

giving affidavits.

I didn't think Del Vecchio
would be too convincing.

Hey, I mean, as
long as we're sure,

what's the difference?

Do you really think that
rat had a smile on his face?

Sure.

I would.

What's happening?

You cats open for business?

Hey, Frazier, what's happening?

Back in trouble already?

No, brother. No, see, I
came to do you a favor.

Yeah, what's that?

I got some information,

which, uh... I'd be
willing to exchange

for a little long green,
you know what I mean?

What kind of information?

It's heavy. Whoo!

Heavy.

How much?

Fifty.

Give you 5.

Lay it on me.

If we want it.

If it's not important
to you cats,

you guys do not have to pay me.

Yeah, let's have it.

Fish passed his stone.