Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 3 - Snow Job - full transcript

The squad guards a department store payroll. A flasher attempts suicide in the bathroom.

Hey, Engine Room?

Hey, what's the
matter with you guys?

It's 26 degrees up here.

Hey, I wasn't meant

for this type of
temperature, baby.

Tell him my blood
is turning to slush.

Hey, don't give me
"energy crisis," man.

How'd you like it if we quit

and left your loved
ones unprotected?

Very well put.

Hey, baby, it is cold up here.

12th Precinct, Nanook speaking.

Let me have the address.

Yeah, well, if you don't
get some heat up here,

we're going to start
breaking up the furniture

and burning it. Bye.

The kid that stuck
up that liquor store

the other day,

the owner thinks
he recognized him.

We better check it out.


There's six inches
of snow in the streets.

It's freezing out there.

It's worse in here.

Now I know why a
penguin walks so funny.

Pour me a cup
of coffee, will you?

Cream and sugar?

It doesn't matter.

I'm going to sit in it.

Hey, you want to
see something funny?

Come in the toilet.

Hey, what have you been doing?

Writing on the walls again?

No, the water in
the sink is frozen,

and a bunch of ants
are crossing the ice,

and they're slipping and
falling all over the place.

Come on, it's funny as hell.

Hey, man, you got a
weird sense of humor,

you know that?

What's going on around here?

You'd think in this
kind of weather,

business would be slow.

The armored car
drivers and guards

are still on strike.

Money's piling up
faster in the stores

than garbage in the streets.

Burglaries, armed robberies,

aggravated assaults...

Yeah, and every dude
with a gun or a knife

or a pointed stick is out there

trying to seek his fortune.

What a civilization, huh?


Okay, come on. Stand over there.

What do we got here?

A flasher, exposing
himself at a bus stop.

In this weather?

Did you ever hear
anything so disgusting?

Hey, man, it's 10
degrees out there.

Tell me about it.

Some filthy habit, huh?

Pervert, degenerate...
That's me, A-number-one.

Okay, Mr. Farber,
you've got one phone call.

Would you make a
phone call if you were me?

What am I supposed to do,

brag about it?

Maybe you better call a lawyer.

I am a lawyer.

Then you better call a doctor.

What for?

I don't need a doctor.

I need an executioner.

Okay, Mr. Farber,

do you want to step
into the cage, please?

Oh, and keep your hands

away from your coat, huh?

Good. Lock me up.

Keep me away from decent people.

Take it easy, Mr. Farber.

Everything is
going to be all right.

Sure, Mr. Pollyanna.

You think this

is like giving up smoking?

I've been to the finest
medical minds in the world,

and they all tell
me the same thing...

"Farber, you're
filthy. It's that simple."

Uh, Chano... call Bellevue.

Tell them we've got
a prune danish to go.

Oh, yeah.

Put it over there on the desk.

Hey, Barn, wait till you
see what we got here.

Siegel's Department Store

hasn't been able
to make a deposit

for a week, so they asked us

to keep their
receipts till morning.

I said okay. Is it okay?


we're working on a half-shift.

We can't baby-sit
somebody's payroll.

An employee told Mr. Siegel

he heard they were
being set up for a rip-off.

They'd like to avoid
trouble, Barney.

Yeah, I've never
seen so much money

in my whole life.

Take a look.

♪ Happy birthday To me ♪

♪ Happy birthday To me ♪♪

How much is in there?

216,480-odd dollars.

Oh... "80-odd." Aren't you sure?

Well, when you're loaded,

what's a few
bucks, more or less?

That is "more..."

"Less" is what I take
home every week.

Somebody put it in the safe.

I got it. I signed for it.

All right, then it's
your responsibility,

but get at it. We've
got a lot of work to do.

You know what?

The people at the bus stop

called me a "sickie."

Sticks and stones, Mr. Farber.

That's a very old model.

You're not kidding.

They don't make
them like they used to.

What's the combination
of this thing?

I forget it again.

One to the left,
two to the right,

three to the left,
four to the right.

That's the way to
do the "varsity drag."

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Bellevue Psychiatric Division?

Hi. This is Sergeant Amenguale
of the police department.

Who am I speaking to, please?

Miss Sanchez. Right.

We've got a patient for you

here at the 12th Precinct.

Yeah. Yes, miss.

A male Caucasian,

between 40 and 50 years old.

Yes, miss.

Yeah, indecent exposure.

Mm-hmm, tonight at a bus stop.

That's right, in the snow.

Can you believe
that, Miss Sanchez?

I can't understand

what makes a guy
do something like that.

No kidding.

Rejection when he was a baby?

No kidding.

Breast feeding?

No kidding.

Me? No, I was a bottle baby.


I would remember
something like that.

No kidding.

Do you like dancing
too, Miss Sanchez?

Hey, why don't you let me

give you a hand with that?

I don't need no help.

My responsibility.

I mean... It's my
money, sort of.

Till tomorrow morning, anyway.

Live, baby.

Hey, come on, Yemana.

We better check out that
liquor store heist, huh?

It'll be nice to get outside,

where it's warm.

Yeah, okay, Miss Sanchez,

I will have the forms for you.

Right. Goodbye.

Hey, Fish, you wouldn't believe

what makes a guy like that

do what he does, man.

It's the weather.

When it's damp and cold,

people get depressed,
irritable, and unpleasant.

In the winter,

Scandinavia has
more lunatics per capita

than any other
country in the world.

No kidding.

Bernice is Scandinavian,
but only on her mother's side.

She usually cheers up around...

the middle of February.



Come in my office
a minute, will you?

Uh, Chano... Hmm?

Did you call Bellevue?

Yeah, I got in touch with them.

Excuse me.

May I show you something?

I'd rather you didn't,
if you don't mind.

There was a time when,

if you wanted
someone to notice you,

all you had to show them

was a little courtesy.

Yeah. How about the night shift?

Are they going to make it?

I don't think so.

The guys who live in Long
Island can't get to Manhattan.

Well, that means

that the guys who
live in Manhattan

can't get to Long Island.


Why don't we call Long Island

and have them keep the
guys who can't get to Manhattan

and we'll keep the guys
who can't get to Long Island?

They tried it once
and they didn't like it.

It made too much sense.

It's going to be a long night.

Here, take a look at that.

You'll get a kick out of it.

Hey, Barney, this is marvelous.

Deputy Inspector.

There's a slim chance

of anything like that happening,

but... it's kind
of a kick to see it

in an official publication, huh?

Deputy Inspector.

I know guys who
have been on the force

30, 40 years,

have never even been considered

for a job like this.

Take me, for instance.

I'm proud of you.

I'm going to put this on
the bulletin board. No, no.

Don't say anything.
Don't tell anybody.

It would just be causing
a lot of excitement

over nothing.

I haven't even told Liz.

Deputy Inspector Barney Miller.

What a thrill.

It's a thousand-to-one shot.

The 12th won't be
the same without you.

Come on, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm going to miss you.

Fish, there are five
precinct captains

who've got more time
in on the force than I do.

We're all going to miss you.

Cook, Leeds, Stevenson,
Rourke, and Burns.

And Carmichael.

You know what politics
and seniority mean

in an appointment like this?

I've got a feeling
you're going to make it.

Come on.

Don't be ridiculous.

Carmichael? Who's Carmichael?

Hey, I can't get any
more in the safe.

That's what I call
a classy problem.

There must be a
$100,000 here in small bills.

Oh... Where am
I going to put it?

How about beach
property in San Juan?

I can't leave this stuff

sitting around
here till morning.

Oh, man.

Do you know what the interest is

on $100,000

from now until morning?

I'm telling you,

we are blowing a
very big opportunity.

I apologize.

That's okay.

I apologize to the entire world.

On behalf of the entire world,

I accept your apology.

What else?

I want to go to the men's room.

Why didn't you say so?

I want to suffer, but I
don't want to wet my coat.

All right, hurry up.

You don't want to
miss your ambulance.

I'm not fit to be
around human beings.

Come on, come on, come on.

Hey, Fish?

What would you do

if you had all this money?

I'd take a trip
around the world.

I'd send Bernice a few bucks...

and postcards.

She loves picture postcards.

You know, I got an
interesting question.

Yeah, what's that?

Why would a flasher close
the door to the bathroom?


What the hell was that?

I think it was a wolf.

It's the rotten plumbing.

Mr. Farber, are you through?

Farber's in the bathroom?

He don't sound like
he feels too good.

Farber! Farber!

Chano, give me a hand.

What's going on, Fish?

Wojo, help Chano.

What'd he do?

Tried to electrocute himself.

He put one finger
in the light socket

and one foot in the toilet bowl.

No kidding.

I didn't know he was that tall.

Come on!


I'm sorry. I... I
think he's dead.

Taking a prisoner
to the bathroom

is a professional obligation,

not a social function.

I didn't think he
could hurt himself

in the toilet.

Look up your statistics.

Toilets are very high
up in the statistics.

Give me the coroner's office.

That's all right.

If I was in a hurry, I
wouldn't be calling you.

Man, I sure hate

for something like
this to happen, man.

All right, all right,

there's nothing you
can do about it now.

Fill out the coroner's
report. Yes, sir.

This is Detective
Fish, 12th Precinct.

Look, we got a
customer. Suicide.

Electrocution in the men's room.

Men's room, right.

Light socket and
the toilet bowl.

Very imaginative, yeah.

Okay, junior, get it in here.

Hey, it's freezing in here.

Ever since we
washed the furnace,

we can't do a thing with it.

Some dump.

If I'd have known I
was coming here,

I'd have resisted arrest.

Hold on. I take it all back.

Hey, who left the petty cash

laying out all over the desk?

Sloppy, sloppy.

Petty cash?


Barney, I ain't sure,
but I think he's alive.

What are you talking about?

I put a mirror under his nose

and I think it fogged a little.

Where the hell are
those guys from Bellevue?

I'll try them again.

Hello, coroner? I'm
going to put you on hold.

What happened?

The flasher committed suicide,

but very badly.

He's alive. He's alive!


Keep him warm.

Put anything on him,
your coats, anything.

He's got a pulse, not
much, but it's there.

Harris... Come on, pulse!

Hey, this is more clothes

than this dude has
had on in his life.

You ready?


One, two, three, four, five...

Uh, I think he's turning blue.

Oh, man.

Don't turn blue, man!

He don't look too blue, does he?

Yeah, he looks
pretty blue to me.

One, two, three, four, five...

Barney, you're not blowing

hard enough, man.

Wait a minute.

I lost his pulse.


Not yet.

Pop him again.

Over here. Over here.

All right, step aside.

We'll take care of everything.

I got a pulse. I got a pulse.

Attaboy, Farber.

Come on, baby.

Charlie, the oxygen.

What's all that
money on the desk?



I didn't know cops make

that kind of money.

We're very good cops.

How's he look?

He seems to be fine.

His heart stopped.

I had to hit him in
the chest with my fist.

Yeah, I think you saved his life

and I know you broke his ribs.

It seemed to be the thing to do

at the time.

It was a good decision.

You'd make a good doctor.

Of course, you'd
make a lot less money.

He looks pretty
good, doesn't he?

Yeah, he didn't look that good

to begin with.

12th Precinct, Sergeant Yemana.

Hey, Barney, it's
the coroner's office.

They're still on hold.

Tell them to forget it.

Forget it.

The guy's still alive.


Hey, did you know
this guy has nothing on

under his coat?

He'll be delighted you noticed.

Hey, Engine Room.

What's the matter with
you guys down there?

Turn the heat down.

The humidity is murder up here.

We can't get the stamps
to stick to the envelopes.

I wish I could say the
same for my shorts.

Very well put.

Harris, release those guys

from the one-four
and say thank you.

Will do.

While you're at
it, call downstairs,

See if you can turn
down the steam.

All my papers are curling up.

Yeah, yeah.

You should have seen

what someone wrote
downstairs in the snow.

Where's Chano?

Stopped by at Bellevue to
have breakfast with a nurse.

Captain Miller, can I see
you a moment, please?

We found that wife beater

at a bar on Third Avenue.

He looked worse than she did.

She'll never press charges.

She won't, but he will.

Yes, what can I do for you?

There seems to be an error.

What kind of error?


There's no error.

Mr. Wojciehowicz
signed for $216,487.

Yeah, somewhere in there.

Exactly in there.

$216,487? Okay, knock it off.


All right, you've counted it.

What's the problem?

There's exactly $5000 missing.


That's impossible.

Maybe you ought
to count it again.

I've counted it three times.

That right, Pete?

That's correct.
I counted it too.

It's a bundle short.



Count it.


You watch Fish.

Pete, you watch Harris.

Wojciehowicz, check
out the safe again.

No, there's nothing
in the safe, Barney.

Hey, come on, you guys,

stop clowning around.

Now, this ain't funny.

Come on, Fish,
Harris... Hey, man...


Don't look at me.

I don't touch that stuff.

I'm an addict.

Check out the other
desks, will you?

Wojciehowicz, check
out that safe again.

Chano's missing.

Check out the safe again!

Mr. Gross, there was
a lot of excitement

here last night.

The money could
have been misplaced

or gotten buried

under some of
this official... litter.

Have you ever misplaced
$5000 before, captain?

Yeah, once, in a Monopoly game.

Barney, there's
nothing in the safe

but petty cash.



And that's for two weeks.

$75,000... $80,000... $85,000.

What are you up to, Fish?

$90,000... $95,000.

Count careful, now.

$100,000... $105,000... $5000...

I'll never pay it off
at $714.00 a month.

$715,000... Hey, Fish.

$5000... $10,000...

I don't see it anywhere.

There's nothing on these desks.

Wojo, are you certain

when you signed this
money out of Siegel's,

it was all there?

Yeah, sure I'm sure.

Then where the hell could
it have gone? I don't know.

Harris, you were
standing right there

when I was
putting it in the safe.

Hey, you wouldn't let
me help you, remember?

You said it was all yours.

You said that?

It was a figure of
speech, Mr. Gross.

Detective Wojciehowicz

probably felt
personally responsible

for the money.

He is personally responsible

for the money.

You hear that, Harris?

Hey, man, don't look at me.

If I needed any extra money,

I could do windows.

Hey, hey, hey, fellows.

Look what I got
from Miss Sanchez.

Man, you're in the
wrong business.

Where the hell did she get that?

She got it from
Mr. Farber's coat.

Yeah, seems like

when you guys
took him out of here,

he had just enough
strength to steal it.

Well, there's hope for him yet.

At least he's given up suicide.

Yeah, but he's
taken up stealing.

One step at a time.

Mr. Gross?

Count it, please.

Thank you, captain.

I knew I didn't lose it.

$1200... I never
took my eyes off it...

Except for a minute.

I must have aged a
couple hundred years.

A couple hundred thousand...

$200, $400...

12th Precinct. Sergeant Yemana.

Yeah, he's right here.

Barney, it's for you.

It's the commissioner.

I'll take it in my office.

Congratulations, Barney.

Congratulations for what?

Barney is up for
deputy inspector.

No kidding!

How about that?

It's all here.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Sign this.

My pleasure.

Hey, is he taking that
money out of here?

Yeah, and it's about time.

Hey, you... What?

Stick 'em up.

Don't be ridiculous.

You're in jail. You
don't even have a gun.

I don't care. Stick 'em up!

Take it easy, kid.

What a night.

All right, you guys got

your final reports ready?

Yeah, here's mine.

Anybody else?

Almost finished.


Well, what?

The commissioner.
What did he say?

Oh, Carmichael got it.


Oh, I knew I wasn't
going to get it.

Carmichael's got
four years on me.

He's a good man, Carmichael.

I'm sorry, Barney.

Don't be silly.

Here you go, Barn.


Will you guys cut it out?

Come on, now. I knew
I wasn't going to get it.

I didn't expect it.

Come on.

There's always next year.

Wojciehowicz, get
that fixed, will you?

145th Street and 9th,

that's where they're going

to have the heist.

Hey, Barney.

Somebody left
this package for you

at the desk downstairs.

Hey, I'll bet it's
from Siegel's.

They gave me a
credit application.

Nice of them, if it was.

It's probably for all you guys.

No, it's addressed to you.

"To Captain Barney Miller,

"with grateful appreciation

"of all your efforts
on my behalf.

Lyle W. Farber,
Attorney at Law."

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