Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 2 - Experience - full transcript

A bomber targets the 12th Precinct. Fish contemplates retirement.

Okay, Marty, this
is the second purse

you snatched in a week.

Now, you're getting bad habits.

Kleptomania is a
disease, not a crime.

Besides, I've thrown away
better purses than that.


You just love
all this attention,

don't you?

Does the constitution
say he can talk to me?

Marty, leave her alone.

Now, do you want
to make a statement?


I'm pleading temporary insanity,

and that's all you're
going to get from me

until my attorney is present.

5:00. Always the
same time, 5:00.

When you're
looking for a lunatic,

it's nice to know
he's dependable.

Marty, you again?

What'd he steal this time?

Another purse.

Marty, come over here.

I want that man in jail,

and I'm not afraid of reprisal.

Oh, who would
want to reprise you?


Marty, you keep
ripping people off,

they're going to put you away

for a long time.

Now, why don't you cut it out

and get an honest job?

Oh, don't give me that.

I've had more jobs

than you have hair on your head.

I even tried to get
on the police force.

They turned you down?

Of course they turned me down.

It's ridiculous.

What's wrong with a gay cop?

There are gay robbers.

You got a point there.

I mean, for God's sakes,

they always expect you

to come on like Paul Bunyan.

You know... "Hi, Chief.

"You looking for a new cop?

I'm your boy."

God, I get so sick
of the pretense.

Marty, come here and sign this.

You're just lucky

the police got you
before my husband did.

The same to you.

Pardon me.

I'm Charles Monohan's attorney.

Is Detective Wilson in?

I'm afraid not. Can I help you?

I'd rather wait for
Detective Wilson,

if I may.

This is his desk here.
You can sit right over there.

Thank you.

Where is Wilson?

Still out.

How about Fish?

Wilson's got the old geezer

with him.

Wojciehowicz, would
you do me a favor?

Stop referring to
Fish as the old geezer.

When a man gets close
to enforced retirement,

he gets a little sensitive.

Oh yeah? All right.

Hey, I heard

there was another bombing.

That's three days in a row.

I'm going to move
to the country.

Well, you're certainly
dressed for it.

Mrs. Florsheim,

what time did the
crime take place?

I beg your pardon?

What he wants to know

is when did you buy the purse?

I hope they send
you up for life,

and I'm not a vindictive person.

My dear woman,

this purse will
prove I'm insane.

That is, if the judge
has any taste at all.

That's my best purse.

I'll bet it is.

With any luck at all,

the court will find
me irresponsible

and you... mm, tacky.

Was anything missing
from the purse?

Good taste.

Hello, Arnold? Marty.



Listen, guess where
I'm calling from?

Marty, just tell your lawyer

to get down here and
stop playing games.

Can I enjoy my one phone
call, for goodness sake?

Oh, it's nothing, Arnold.

They're just making
a federal case

out of some ridiculous purse.

Let's go, Marty.

Arnold, when you get
here, I'll be in my room.

The first bomb, the
Federal Building,

then the Port Authority,

and then the Courthouse,
all of them 5:00,

and always 20 minutes
before each bomb goes off,

there's a phone call.

So far we've been
lucky. Nobody's been hurt.

We're looking for a
paranoid personality.

Someone driven by
fear and frustration.

He's insecure,

he thinks he's being
persecuted by authority.

He's obsessed with a
hatred for government.

That could be anybody.

12th Precinct,
Captain Miller speaking.

Uh, yes, commissioner.

Uh, yes, sir, 5:00 again.

Well, we should have
something on it in, uh,

oh, give me about a week.

Could be a couple of days.

Tomorrow is
definitely a possibility.

How about holding the
phone for a few minutes?

Ah, yes, you've got to
have a sense of humor

in a job like this.

Yes, sir, I definitely
can keep it to myself.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Yemana, I want
the file on anyone

with a history of explosives.

There must be
hundreds of guys like that.

Then I want to see all of them.

All of them?

Okay, kid, in here.

All right, already.

Don't give me no hard time.

Wilson, where's Fish?

I had to chase this guy

about 12 blocks.

Fish couldn't keep up.

Well, when he
gets in, let me know.

I want everybody
on this bomber file.

And remember what kind
of guy we're looking for.

There's a definite
pattern here...

All government
buildings, all 5:00.

He hates authority.

Yeah, and he ain't
too crazy about 5:00.

Wojciehowicz, would
you give Sergeant Yemana

a hand with the files, please?

Oh... Oh, boy.

Sit him down. Get that chair.

Come on, sit down.

What happened? What happened?

Maybe he met a broad.

You're disgusting.

I'm all right. Leave me alone.

I'll get you a drink of water.

Don't need it.

Chased a guy, that's all.

Feel fine.

We caught him. Good.

What happened to you?


You're pretty fast, wise guy.

My grandmother
could outrun you, man.

Who asked you?

You ought to know better,

a man your age.

It's the smog.

Who the hell can
run in the smog?

You're a little out
of shape, baby.

Maybe you're Aunt Jemima.
What am I, a lion hunter?

My people were all in
the restaurant business.


Would you like to
come into my office

and lie down on the
couch for a minute?

I'm okay. I just gotta
get my wind back.

Just take it easy. Relax.

Can I get something to eat?

Don't make trouble, Marty.

Well, I'm hungry.

Next time, steal food.

Okay, kid, on your
feet. Over here.

You got to wait here

until they take you downtown.

Well, this is the end.

Now I have to share my cage?

With a hardened criminal?

Watch it, kid. He steals.

Do you have to
give away the plot?

How are you doing, Fish?

I'm doing fine.


I'm sorry.

For nothing.

So, ruffian... What did you do?

I held up a candy store.

I have candy at my place.

Hey, I don't want to be here

with this guy.

You better stay away from me,

or I'm going to break your face.

I want this man
removed immediately.

He's a paranoid... and ugly...

Both of you guys pipe down.

Wilson... Yes, sir?

Do me a favor. Type these
notes up for me, will you?

Right, sir.

Oh, Barney, could I
see you for a minute?


In your office?

Sure. Come on in.

Hey... Who belongs to this case?

It ain't mine.

Fish, maybe.

Oh, yeah, it must be Fish's.

It's too classy for you guys.

Very well put.

I have to do this
my way, Barney.

Please, just let
me do it my way.

Sure. How about a
cup of coffee, Fish?

"How about a cup
of coffee, Fish?"

"How about a glass
of water, Fish?"

"Would you like to lay
down on the couch, Fish?"

Why don't you
come out and say it?

Say it. "You're
an old man, Fish."

Fish, you're not an old man.

I'm not young. Am I young?


I'm not middle-aged.
Am I middle-aged?

I think of you as... Old.

That's the only thing you can be

after you're young
and middle-aged. Old.

Fish, I think of you
as experienced.

In an emergency,

you would be the
first one I'd call.

You should call me first.

I need time to put my teeth in.

You're feeling
sorry for yourself.

Joe DiMaggio, right?

What about Joe DiMaggio?

Nobody had to tell
him when to quit.

Barney, I can't hit
the fastball anymore.

Fish, you've got less
than two years to go

before you retire
on full pension.

How about if I
put you on a desk?

That would be
embarrassing. I just want out.

Come on, Fish.

You're talking nonsense.

No, Barney.

I love being a cop,

but I never thought I'd
be too old to be a cop.

I mean, I was young for so long.

I was really good, wasn't I?

You still are.

You want to see
me go for my gun?

Come on, don't be ridiculous.

I used to put a coin
on the back of my hand

and nail it before
it hit the ground.

Come on, what is
this, Dodge City?

It's not only the hands
and the legs, Barney.

It's the instinct.

I used to make
split-second decisions.

Now it takes me 20
minutes to order a sandwich.

You are not thinking rationally.


That's because you
just ran 12 blocks.

You're short of oxygen.

When you're short of
oxygen, you say crazy things.

Don't try to be nice.

Fish... Fish, I only hope

that I have your
guts and dedication

when I get to your...
period of experience.

When Wilson and I
were chasing that kid...

Do you know what it feels
like to be running on 43rd Street

and your partner is
cornering a guy on 52nd?

Do you know how I
found out what happened?

I asked a reporter.

Four radio stations beat
me to the scene of the crime.

Fish, if I thought you
were really jeopardizing

any of those guys out there,

I would say so,
but it's not true.

Oh, sure, they
may rib you a little,

but they want to work with you,

because they know that you know.

They know that you're sharp.

You're on the ball.

Hey, Barney.

Where's Fish?



Hey, I'm going to go
in and steal his gun,

and nobody says nothing, okay?

This is a police station,

not a Boy Scout camp,

and stop needling Fish.

Oh, I'm just kidding.
I mean, I always say

nobody likes a good
joke on Old Fish

better than than Old Fish.

And stop calling him Old Fish.

Just because a man
takes a few naps...

during the day...

doesn't mean he's finished.

Hey, I never said that.

Well, he thinks he's finished.

He's asked me to approve

his retirement from the force.

What? No.

But he's only got
a couple of years

till full retirement.

Yeah, well, he doesn't think

he can cut it anymore,

and he doesn't want to
hang any of you guys up

the way he did you today.

That's crazy.

It could happen
to any one of us.


Everybody slows down... someday.

So we'll prove he's wrong.

Well, how are you
going to do that?

Stop thinking of
him as an old man.

I don't think he's
any older than you do.

I don't even know
what that means.

We'll straighten him out.

Just don't overdo it.

Leave him alone.

What do you got for me, Nick?

Lenny the Enforcer,

alias Seymour Schwartz.

He blew up his mother.

Nice boy.

Look what he used.

Two sticks of dynamite

tied together
with violin strings.

What time do you got, Nick?



Do you feel all right?

Sure. I'm fine.

In half an hour, we're going
to hear from our friend again.

I don't know.

This whole bomb
thing has me uneasy.

You know what it is, Barney?

It's an animal
instinct that comes

from years of
experience on the job.

A sort of awareness, you know?

You can't buy it.

But you got it.

Thank you.

Who else you got?

Sheldon "Boom-Boom" Hocksteader.


You'd be amazed
how many of these guys

are named "Boom-Boom."

Let me see that.

Sheldon "Boom-Boom" Hocksteader,

alias Marlon
"Boom-Boom" Hocksteader,

alias "Marvin Albert Einstein,"

alias "Captain Marvel."

This guy built a
bomb in his basement,

tried to sell it
to the Pentagon.

They said no,

so he tried to sell
it to the Russians.

They said no.

It ain't easy to sell a bomb.

Forget this one.

The guy we're looking
for is crazy, not stupid.

Hey, Fish.

How you feeling?

I feel fine. I was on the phone.

We already had prints

and so we made new pictures.

And they'll be rotten.

I told him the light

was better by the window,

but would you listen?


You have no talent.

What do you say, Fish?

Nothing much.

Hey, you're looking great.


Do you want something?

No, I'm just standing here
watching you look great.

Get away.

12th Precinct, Sergeant
Yemana speaking.

Yes, ma'am?

A man making lewd
propositions in the park...

Sure, he's in the park
while I'm cooped up here.

We'll have somebody
up there right away.

Barney? Yeah?

There's a flasher running
around Washington Square

saying dirty things to ladies.

What for?

The usual stuff.

Oh yeah.


Yes, sir?

Get over there
and do your thing.

Arrest the first
naked guy you see

with a foul mouth.

Right, sir.

Just take me a minute to change.

How can I type

while you stand
there staring at me?

You want a cup of coffee?

No, thanks.

Hey, you busy
Thursday night, Fish?


I thought you'd get your wife

and I'd pick up a chick

and we could go out
and have some laughs.

I'd like to, but I can't.

My wife made plans to
soak her feet Thursday night.

Oh. Okay.

How about Saturday?

I've got a date with this
girl from Hunter College.

I've got a granddaughter
in Hunter College.

You're making it tough, Fish.

"Coo Coo Castenango,"

high explosive expert,
arsonist, and Flamenco dancer.

You ain't going to
find him in there.

Why not?

I think this boy's a new talent.

What makes you think so?

He's too angry at
a small local area.

It feels like someone

who just went
bananas all of a sudden.

You may be right.

You hear that, boys?

New theories from
old experience.

Look this over when
you get a chance.

Sure, what have you got there?

My retirement form.

You'll have to approve it.

Don't you think you
ought to talk this over

with Bernice first?

I'll break it to her
on Thursday night

while her feet
are in warm water.

Well, let's hear it.

Very soignee.

If he's going to talk
trash to anybody,

he's going to talk it to me.

Just don't take
all day, gorgeous.

And pull up your slip.

Excuse me, but does the
mayor know about this group?

Hello, Wilson. Going home early?

Don't get fresh,

or momma's going
to scab your lip.

Arnold, it's about
time you got here.

You can't imagine
what I've been through.

I've got his ticket.

Bail has been posted.

Very efficient,
Arnold, as usual.

Ooh, coming from
you, that's a compliment.

Anything going on I
care to know about?

Wilson ought to
be back any minute

with a flasher.

That's right up your alley.

Don't start with me, Barney.

I believe in my clients.

Sure you do, Arnold.

Get him out of there,
would you, please?

I'm doing it, Arnold.

Be seeing you, Marty.

Thanks for the warning.

Arnold, talk about
police brutality.

Wait till I tell you

what they gave me for lunch.

Okay, Marty,

get your stuff and go home.

12th Precinct.

Barney, give my card

to the flasher, will you?

And tell him not to worry.

You're a good person, Arnold.

Barney, it's for you.

An attorney representing
a Charles Monahan.

I'll take it in my office.

Let's go, Marty.

Wojciehowicz, I don't hate you.

Get going.

Come on, Marty.

Arnold, you know,
my mother was right.

When I'm nice, I do better.

Hey, Fish, look, uh...

I know. You love me.

You know something?

I'd rather be young,
but thanks anyway.

All right, everybody,
on the phone!

We've got to clear the building.

There's a bomb in
here somewhere.

A bomb? Oh boy.

It was planted this morning

in a briefcase.

That was our boy on the phone.

Hello? Bomb disposal.


Do you believe this?
They put me on hold.


If that call was for real,

that thing goes off at 5:00.

We've got about five minutes.

What happened to
our 20-minute warning?

He apologized.

He said the lines were busy.

We got a bomb.
Clear the building.

Come on. Come on.

Hello? Hello, Bomb Disposal?

No, this is Wojciehowicz.

Get off the line.

I'm trying to get Bomb Disposal.

Who is this? Barney!

Oh, hey. What do you need?

Get off the line!

Hello, Bomb Disposal?

Captain Miller, 12th Precinct.

I got a hot device here.

Yes, I'm clearing the building.

Get on it. How are you doing?

The extensions are busy.

Never mind. Never mind that.

Clear this floor, and
try not to create a panic.

Wojciehowicz, take the
third and fourth floors,

and use the back staircase.

Oh, look for a briefcase.

And a box.

What the hell are you doing?

I won this.

Come on!

Okay, Marty, inside.

Wilson, are you crazy?

Get in there.

Look, I have a writ
of Habeas Corpus

and Marty's bail
has been posted.

That was for the purse.

I'm arresting him now

for stealing Fish's briefcase

from right out of this station.

Marty, is that or is that not

your briefcase?

Don't yell at me.

I've had a miserable day.

Where is everybody?

Wilson, get out of here.

There's a bomb in the building.

Oh, mother in heaven.

So long, Marty.

Arnold, don't you
dare leave me in here.

Wilson, get him out of there.

If you ever catch the
lunatic who did this,

tell him to call me.

Hurry. Open this door.

I'm looking for the key.

No one's answering the phone.

I got to cover the
rest of the building.

Go ahead. Hey, I
got your case back.

What case?

Your briefcase, on my desk.

Aren't those the
keys on the desk?

Wilson... I don't
own a briefcase.

It ain't yours?


Who cares whose case it is?

Just get the door open.

Wilson, the bomb
is in the briefcase.

Holy momma.

Oh, God, is it a big bomb?

How the hell do I know?

It's two minutes to 5:00.

Fish, we've got
to get rid of it.

Yes, I'll get rid of it.

Do something.

Beat it, Marty. Come on, Fish.

Get out of here.

Leave it where it is.

Get out!

Oh yes, the bomb
is in the briefcase.

Oh, jeez.

Seven left... 11 right.

Oh, my...

Anybody hurt? Anybody hurt?

Fish, my God! You all right?

You okay?

I'm all right.

It was in the safe?

Yeah, I put it in there.

You know, there was
petty cash in there.

40 bucks.

Take it out of my check.

That's wonderful, commissioner.

Marvelous. Yes, goodbye.

They caught the bomber.

Where'd they get him?

He tried to blow up the
Department of Sanitation.

Two garbage collectors
made a citizen's arrest.

Garbage collectors?

Let them get the credit.
We did the groundwork.

Barney, what about my papers?

Fish, I am not going to
approve your resignation.

What you did with that
bomb is not the action

of an officer ready
for the junk heap.

Barney, it doesn't
change anything.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself

because you've got a
couple of years on us.

Look, the department

has quite an investment in you.

38 years has given you
invaluable background

in every significant area.

You're knowledgeable.
You're intuitive.

You're respected and admired.

You're a fine example

for every young
officer on the force.

The only question is,
can you stay awake?

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