Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 1 - Ramon - full transcript

When a drug addict holds the precinct hostage, Captain Barney Miller has to talk him out of it.

This is 113 on
your FM dial at 7:30.

Rachel! David! Breakfast.

Barney, get the
kids up for breakfast.

Two banks on Wall Street
were destroyed by explosions

in the early hours
of the morning.


A new garbage strike
looms on the horizon.


And street gangs here
have claimed the lives

of two additional victims.

Three Japanese terrorists
have hijacked an Italian airliner

and, in retaliation,

three Italian terrorists have
blown up a Japanese restaurant.

Come on, everybody, up
please. Up for breakfast.

What's the weather
look like outside?

It's brown today.

Is it raining?

Something's coming down,
but I don't think it's water.

What is it?

It's a new plague.
Isn't it pretty?

A little brown rain is
normal for New York

at this time of year.

If it gets a little colder,

we can look forward
to a tan Christmas.

I don't think you
should go to work today.

A little brown in the air
never bothered me yet.

I think you should resign
from the police force today.

I think you should go to Montana
and buy a chicken farm today.

I don't like chickens.

You don't know chickens.

You've only seen them
frozen, with pimples

and wrapped in plastic.

You've never seen them
cute and lively with their fur on.


You'll be crazy about Montana.

You really hate it, I'm a cop.


Don't beat around the bush.

Are you aware of the fact

that someone tried to
break in here last night?

How do you know?

Because there's a
clean spot on the window.

They must not have
wanted to get in very badly.

If they really
wanted to break in,

the bars on that window
wouldn't have stopped them.

Then why did we put them up for?

Don't you remember? I made
a promise when we got married.

I said I would do everything
I could to make you happy.

You wanted bars,
I gave you bars.

I'm very grateful.
I love my bars.

Are you aware
that statistics show

that there is more crime in
the streets than in the home?

There's more
room in the streets.

Now an item from the
world of entertainment.

Three people were
slain in a theatre last night

during a first act
intermission robbery attempt.

Now, once again,
your musical interlude.

This is 113 on your FM dial,

on the 101st floor of the
Empire State Building.

Have a good day.

Yeah, yeah, up there
where nobody can get to you.

Ooh, I'm having dinner
with Stanley tonight.

Tonight? It's a school night.

It's a special occasion.

We're celebrating the printing

of Stanley's first
business cards.

What do you think?

"Stanley M. Mankiewitz,

Public Defender's Office."

Raised letters.

Come on, will you,
or we're gonna be late.

Hurry up, hurry
up. Give me a kiss.

All right, see you.

Bye, Dad. Have a good day.

Bye bye, babies. Bye!

Take a crowded bus.

You all right?

I have a "something's
rotten in Denmark" feeling.

Would you consider
not going to work today

and taking me for a
drive in the country?

Liz, you heard the radio.
Shootings, bombings.

It's my busy season.

You really love it, don't you?

You say, "shootings and
bombings," your eyes light up.

Would it make you happier
if I didn't like my work?

It would make me happy
if you liked me better.

I don't think you
like me better.

That is ridiculous.

You remember the day
you got your gold badge?

How excited you were?

Do you know what
that means to a wife

to know that her
husband is more excited

about his badge than her body?

That's nonsense.

I was every bit as excited
by your body as my badge.

More probably.

Sometimes your sense
of humor really annoys me.

Goodbye, Liz.

I have criminals waiting.

I'll take you to the
country this weekend.

No. Today, please. Humor me?

I've humored you.


That night on the other side of
the George Washington Bridge,

in the back seat
of the Studebaker.

You promised you would
never throw that up to me.

Don't be silly.

I throw it up to you
every chance I can get.

I know.

I just thought this was
another good opportunity.

Liz, I've had a wonderful
time, but I really have to go.

That's what you said that
night in the Studebaker.

See you. Goodbye.

12th Precinct. Detective
First Grade Harris.

Yes, ma'am. A man
peeping on your fire escape?

What's the address, ma'am?


Third floor rear bedroom window.

What does he look like, ma'am?

Tall, 180 pounds, dark hair.

Nicely dressed.

Cute smile.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Call back if you need us.

Have a good day.

Get inside, Harry.

If you cannot
afford an attorney,

the court will provide one
at no expense to yourself.

You understand?

Yeah, I understand!

Come on, Wojciehowicz,
give me a break.

Sure, what do you want broken?

Bookmaking, possession
of gambling records.

Wait a minute, I want an
attorney at no cost to myself.

What for? You're guilty.

You mind if I don't
take your word?

Yeah, bank roll and
betting slips, Harry.

You got caught with
all this stuff on you.

Names, figures.

$125, collect Paluzzi.

$350, pay Schaeffer.

You're getting careless, Harry.

$65, collect Yemana.

12th Precinct, Sergeant Yemana.

You're getting very
careless, Harry.

Hey, you guys are
making a big mistake!

You were sitting on top of the
man, beating him with a brick.

Hey, self defense,
man! He hit me first!

I was just, you
know... Mugging him.

Right on!

I say, "Hey, man, give me
your money", you know?

And the next thing
I know, he hits me.

That guy, he must be from
out of town or something!

I got to go to the
can, you know?

You're embarrassing,
you know that?

Hey, Puerto Riceño man, I
didn't know you were Puerto Rican!

Because you're so embarrassing!

You know what I feel like when
I hear somebody screaming,

"Help, police, murder!

Call the cops.
Somebody's getting killed."

And I find a Puerto Rican

beating the hell
out of some whitey?

I got to pull out
my piece and say,

"Hold on there!
Hands in the air.

Police officer, thank you,"
because I am embarrassed.

Don't you have any aspirin?

I never use it. Don't need it.

Maybe you don't
eat the right things.

Clean mind and a healthy body.

Hey, anybody want
to work vice tomorrow?

Me! I'll take it!

You worked vice last week.

I'm a policeman, baby. I
goes where I'm needed!

Come on, Harry, they want
to talk to you downtown.

Hey, Yemana, ain't there
something you can do for me?

Oh, here's $20.

I'll pay you the rest
when you get out.

Hey, he won't let
me go to the can!

Hey, Chano, take
him to the bathroom.

You take him.
They're your cuffs.

All right, come on.

I'm in bad shape!

Me too.

I need a fix.

I need a vacation.

Just a minute, please.

Hey, Harris, last week
when you was working vice,

were you disguised as a Rabbi?

Yeah, why?

Did you have to forcibly
subdue a guy in a delicatessen?


It's for you. It's
the B'nai B'rith.

Okay, everybody
put your hands up!

Take it easy, kid!

Get your hands up and
get away from the door!

You too! Get your hands up!

Now I'm really embarrassed.

Don't try to stop me. I
want to get out of here!

I'll kill anybody
who tries to stop me.

Get out of my way.

I swear I'm gonna kill
everybody in this damn place

if I don't get out of here.

Boy, do I hate to
start a day like this!

Get out of the way! Move!

I'm moving! I'm moving!

But I'm moving very slowly,

because I don't want you
to misinterpret my moves.

I wanna get out of here!

I don't blame you!

I don't wanna hurt anybody!

Of course you don't
wanna hurt anybody.

But I wanna get out of here!

Sure, you'll get out of here,

but not with a gun.

Can I get out of
here without the gun?

We'll try to arrange something.

Let me ask...

Don't come no
closer! Of course not!

I'm backing up.
You think I'm crazy?

Can I ask you a question?

Go ahead.

What's your name?

That's the question?

Yeah. I'm Barney Miller.

Don't con me, man!

No con!

No con!

It's just that if you call
somebody by a name,

he becomes a person.

It's easy to shoot a stranger,

it's hard to shoot a person.

What's your name?



There, see? We're getting
to know each other already.

Maybe we can even be friends.

What's your first name?


You call me Barney.
I'll call you Ramon.

I wanna get out of here, Barney!

Sure, Ramon.

But you gotta go by the rules.

First we gotta
book you... In jail?

That's all we got here!

But you'll have a
fair and impartial trial.

Oh, man! What's the matter?

I'm a Puerto Rican junkie

in a police station
with a gun in my hand.

What am I gonna
do with a fair trial!

Don't answer the phone!

Ramon, this is a police station.

You gotta let Sergeant
Amenguale answer the telephone.

Believe me, he won't
do anything stupid.

Don't do anything stupid,
Sergeant Amenguale!


12th Precinct, Detectives,
Sergeant Amenguale speaking.

Barney, it's your wife.

Ask her to call back, will you?

Could you call back
later, Elizabeth?

She can't call back, Barney.

Ramon, are you married?

Someday you'll be
married, you'll understand.

Do you mind if I
speak to my wife?

No tricks!

No tricks.

Be brief, will you,
Liz? I'm kind of busy.

Liz... Liz, Liz...

Liz, I can't talk chickens now.

I got people waiting.

Yeah, all right.

I'll remember
you to all the boys.

Okay. Bye-bye, dear. Bye-bye.

Forgive me, Ramon!

Hey, I got a great idea!

Wonderful, I'll take
thinking to shooting any day.

Everybody, pay attention,
Ramon has an idea.

Okay man, look.

I'll give you back the gun.

And then you let
me walk out of here

and we can forget the
whole thing happened, huh?

What do you say, huh?

You know, that's
not such a bad idea.

I'd like to, Ramon, but I can't.

Why not? It's okay with us.



Why not? It's okay with them.

Ramon, if I told you that
if you gave me the gun,

I would let you walk out of
here like nothing happened,

would you believe me?

Maybe. No, you wouldn't.

Because you're not stupid

and neither are we.

If you give me that gun
and try to walk out of here,

Sergeant Amenguale
and the rest of the boys

are gonna beat the
hell out of you. Tell him.

Tell him what?

Tell him if he gives me the
gun and tries to walk out of here

you and the rest of the boys
are gonna beat the hell out of him.

Barney! Tell him!

I want Ramon to know that
up here nobody lies to him!

Kid, if you put down the gun
and try to walk out of here,

me and the boys are goinna
beat the hell out of you!


Now that you can believe.

Now, Ramon, that gun is not
going to get you out of here,

but I got something
in my pocket that will.

What you got?

A card!

What kind of card?

A card with the
name of a lawyer on it.

I ain't got no
dough for a layer.

Stanley Mankiewitz
doesn't charge!

Don't put me on, man,
everybody charges!

That's the beauty
part of this card!

The city pays him.
He's a public defender.

He's very young,
but he's very bright.

He keeps company
with my daughter.

This guy Mankiewitz,
he's not a Puerto Rican.

He's Jewish.

It's practically the same thing.


you see my gun is over here
and my hands are up here.

Now the card is in this pocket.


I don't know, man. Here.

Put it right there.

Don't anybody move!
Don't anybody shoot!

You trying to
psyche me out, man?

Get away from the door!

I can't do that, Ramon.
Get out of my way!

Ramon, any minute 80 more cops

are gonna be coming through
that door and it's all gonna be over!

Now pick up the card!

You want me to kill you, man?

I want you to call
Stanley Mankiewitz!

Is that too much
to ask of a friend?

Okay, okay, you won't regret it.

Whose gun is this?


You and I will
discuss at another time

how Ramon happened
to get your gun.

Meanwhile, take him
downstairs and book him.

Let him make his phone call

and get him something
for his screaming meemies.

To tell you the truth, I could
use a little something myself.

Hey, Barney,

why didn't you just
drop to the floor.

I could have had
a clear shot at him?

I wouldn't want
a thing like that

on your conscience,

Besides, I've seen
you on the pistol range.

What's that mean?

With the kid I stood a 50/50
chance he wouldn't shoot me.

With you, I wasn't so sure.


Who's there?

It's me. I'm home!

I'll believe it when I see it.


Will you stop doing that!

Hi, Daddy! Don't "hi, Daddy" me.

It's not polite to sneak up
behind people and "bang."


David, there's $2.5 million
worth of toys in this house.

How come you
always play with a gun?

You play with a gun.

It's part of my job.

Mr. Schwartz has a job and
he doesn't play with a gun.

Mr. Schwartz is a janitor.
He plays with a shovel.

Your father's a police
officer. He plays with a gun.

Here, look... Play with this!


David, your pizza's ready.

Hi. Hi.

How was your day?
We didn't get robbed.

Ah! You see?

See? That's because I
washed the rest of the window

and they couldn't
find their way back.

How was your day?

Fine. Really?

Yeah, perfectly normal day.

I don't believe you,

but I never look a gift
husband in the mouth.

Hi, Pop! Oh, Mom, could I have
something to eat right away?

I thought you were going
out to dinner with Stanley.

Oh, public defenders
don't have any money.

All we ever eat for
dinner is dessert.

Oh, I'll get it!

I'll fix something
for Stanley too

that way you can
both start out even.

And how was school today?

I didn't get robbed.

Hi, Rachel. Hi.

Oh, hello, Stanley.

Can I fix you a drink?

No, thank you, Captain Miller.
Good evening, Mrs. Miller.

Hi, Stanley.

Actually, I am here
tonight for two reasons.

First, to take a certain young,
beautiful girl out to dinner.

And second, to present a
bottle of wine to the hero,

as a tribute and a thank you.

Hero? What hero?

You shouldn't have
done it, Stanley.

What hero, Stanley?

Didn't he tell you? No.

This morning some crazy
kid strung out on drugs

comes into the police station

and takes a gun away
from on of the police officers

and threatens to kill
everyone in the place

unless they let him go free,

and Captain Barney Miller
not only talks him out of it,

but refers him
to me as a client!


Isn't that swell, Stanley.

How could a thing
like that happen?

It happens all the time
on a perfectly normal day.

What is everybody making
such a big deal about?

Big deal? Dad, you
could have been killed!

Stanley's over
dramatizing everything.

He comes with this wild
story about some crazy kid

comes into the police station,
steals a policeman's gun,

threatens to shoot everybody in
the place unless we let him out!

Well, isn't that what happened?

Of course not. Then
what happened?

Some crazy kid came
into the police station,

stole a policeman's gun,

threatened to shoot
everybody in the place

unless we let him go.

What the hell! A miss is as
good as a mile, I always say.

I'm sorry, Captain Miller.

I didn't mean to
upset everybody.

It's all right, Stanley.
We've been there before.

Is there anything I can do?

Yes. You came to take my
daughter to dessert. Take her.

Bye. See you later.

A perfectly normal day.

I didn't want to upset you.

You could have
broken it to me gently

like, "Guess who
almost got killed today?"

A situation like this
happens once in a lifetime.

You realize what that means?

I'm safe for the
rest of my lifetime.

Sometimes your sense of humor...

Yeah, I know, it annoys you.

I knew you weren't
going to Montana today.

I had a feeling you sensed that.

I knew you weren't going
to buy a chicken farm today.

Very observant.

I always know you were
hiding something from me.

Liz... Liz, I know a guy

who wants to sell a Studebaker.

I knew you were
going to say that.


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