Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 1, Episode 4 - Graft - full transcript

12th Precinct.

Detective Sergeant
Amenguale speaking.

No, ma'am, I'm sorry,
but we can't trace them.

You see, there's
very little we can do

about obscene phone calls.

No, ma'am.

No, ma'am.

Would you watch your
language, please, ma'am?

This is going to drive me crazy.

26 calls in two weeks.

That's some dirty guy.



We got him down.

The attempted suicide?

Yeah. Huh.

Just dropped him off at
Bellevue. Psycho ward.

Where's Fish? He's coming.

The guy wanted
to jump off the roof,

and there's no
elevator in the building.

Old Fish had to climb
nine flights of stairs.

12 years ago, I said,

"Put an elevator
in this precinct."

Five years ago, I said it again.

Last year. I even
offered to pay for it.

How do you feel?

I feel fine. It's my legs.



I must've been a breech baby.
My feet are older than I am.

Listen, if you were going to
make obscene phone calls,

now, would you make
them from one location

or from a variety of locations?

I'd rather have someone
else make them for me.

Yemana, you chase a
suspect into a residence.

You have no warrant
for search and entry,

but you know evidence
is about to be destroyed

inside.

Do you hold off,

or do you go in and make
an arrest and take a chance

of violating the
suspect's rights?

Honeyspot by Olden Times.

What?

Look, six pounds
off, blinkers on,

with the finest grass
jockey in the country.

I bet her.

The little lady next to me says,

"Hey, there's a gray horse
with a girl jockey in blue.

My two favorite colors."

She wins. I lose.

Come on, Yemana,

I'm trying to pass
my test for sergeant.

Are you going to help me?

Yeah, don't go in.

Well, well, well, the
same old melting pot.

The 12th Precinct never changes.

Hello, Kelly. How are things?

How are you doing,
Fish? Staying healthy?

I'm every bit as good a
shape as I was yesterday.

"Boney diese," Chano.

Jose Feliciano.

Pretty good, thanks.

Hey, hey, hey, Wojo, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

I got a great new
Polack joke for you.

Wonderful.

You heard it?

Hey, hey, Yemana,

you'd better stay
out of the sun.

You're starting to turn beige.

Hey, there's a color
missing around here.

Where's Wilson and Harris?

They've got a day off.

There's a minstrel show in town.

What are you doing
downtown, Kelly?

I thought you was in Narcotics.

Oh, I'm too sensitive
for that kind of filthy work.

I'm in Internal Affairs now.

Oh, you're a spy.

Yeah, some people
might look at it that way,

them that's got
something to hide, anyhow.

Hello, Kelly.

What are you doing here?

Making friends.

How do you like Narcotics?

They haven't helped him a bit.

Kelly's been promoted.

Yeah, he's a snooper now.

Internal Affairs?

Can we talk?

What about?

Graft.

Come on in my office.

Internal Affairs
is very concerned

about police officers
being paid off, Barney.

Internal Affairs has
always been concerned

about police officers
being paid off.

What's it got to do with us?

Some very disturbing information

is coming across my desk

about cops on the take.

"Palms-up precincts."

You know what I'm talking about.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Oh, no, thanks.

How about a punch in the mouth?

Don't take offense, Barney.

Gee, you guys are thin-skinned

down here.

Okay, Kelly, no pussyfooting.

You've got any
accusations, spit it out.

I'm not saying anybody's
getting rich, Barney.

It's just the...

the general knick-knacking.

Knick-knacking?

There's not a
man in this precinct

that has ever taken a
dime from anybody...

Hey, hey, take it easy.

And I resent the implication.

Now, you've got any
evidence, get it up,

or else get the
hell out of here.

The division of
internal affairs...

And don't pull division on me.

It wasn't two months ago
you were working on my squad.

You never did like me, did you?

No.

You're looking for
honesty? You found honesty.

Because I'm Irish, right?

Because you're always coming
up with the wrong answers,

like that one,

and now you're
letting a little authority

go to your head.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Barney.

I always do my job
the best I know how,

and I'm going to keep
on doing it that way,

no matter where it takes me,

from the smallest precinct

right up to the
commissioner's office.

You're not going to find
anything around here, Kelly.

Oh, clean as a
whistle, huh, Barn?

No, not if you're
talking about a newsboy

who, out of the
goodness of his heart,

throws in an afternoon
paper every day.

The division of internal affairs

is interested in any gratuity,

no matter how big or how small.

Okay, Kelly, you
made your point,

but we've got a
lot of work to do

around here, so do me a favor.

Get your big fat
butt out of here.

I always liked

chewing the fat with you, Barn.

I'll be looking in on you.

Nice to see you again, fellows.

I'd rather be respected
than liked any day.

Hey, Barney, what
the hell is going on?

A little witch hunt.

Kelly is our local inquisitor,

so if any of you
guys got anything

you don't want Internal
Affairs to know about,

you'd better give it back.

Are you kidding?

I could add up everything
I got since I've been a cop

on one finger,

and you know
which finger that is...

The little one.

Hey, Barney, is that
creep really insinuating

we've been taking
payoffs around here?

To Kelly, a payoff could be
an apple from a fruit stand.

He's just trying to make points.

You know what they say
about a little power corrupting,

but... just in case,
everybody be careful.

Be careful of what?

Hey, I never take a vacation.

I live in one room. I
do my own cooking.

I appreciate that.

I even wash my own socks.

I appreciate that.

Makes a guy feel like saying,

"To hell with being sergeant."

All right, all right,
just take it easy.

I've got to go catch
a dirty phone caller,

and if I get anybody,

I'm going to give him
Kelly's telephone number.

Everybody, just...
Business as usual.

Just go on doing what
you've been doing.

Don't worry about
Internal Affairs.

Don't worry about Kelly,

who will be watching
us night and day.

Here's your late edition,
compliments of the publisher.

Hello. I'm home... Whoo-hoo.

Hello.

And I'm in a rotten mood.

Oh.

Well, I have enough good mood

for the both of us.

How was your day?

Swell.

Oh, that good, huh?

I'll fix you a drink.

What for?

Well, you usually have a drink

when you get home from dinner.

Just because I
usually have a drink

does not mean that I
have to have a drink

when I get home from dinner.

What am I, an alcoholic?

I don't think so.

I do not need a drink.

Fine, no drink.

Where's the ice?

In the oven.

And the children?

Oh, well, David's sleeping
over. Rachel's at a film festival.

It's part of a
theater arts course.

Oh, another film festival.

Colleges have no
consideration... What?

That squint. She's
going to develop a squint.

All right, Barney,

do you want to talk about it?

You know I never
discuss police business

at home.

I know.

You would think,

you would think
that Internal Affairs

has better things
to do with its time,

wouldn't you?

Yes, I would think so.

And what a beauty
they picked to do it.

Right, right.

Who?

Kelly.

Kelly.

It's like putting a gun
in the hands of a baby.

What are you looking at?

I'm thinking

that you don't discuss
police business

the way you don't drink.

A man has to drink
and talk with someone.

Oh... I'm flattered
that you've picked me.

Isn't Kelly the one
you told me about

who wears his shoulder holster

over his pajamas?

That's the one.

Now you know what
I'm worried about.

I thought you got rid of him.

I did.

That's the trouble with
trying to get rid of the garbage.

Somebody's always
trying to recycle it.

Now he's an espionage
agent for Internal Affairs.

Well, forget about him.

You are going to
feel much better

after dinner.

Look.

We have filet mignon
with mushroom caps.

Leftovers? We had
filet mignon last night.

We're starting all over.
These are brand-new steaks.

Isn't that a little extravagant?

The children know
we're eating this well?

It's all in knowing how to shop.

I got these steaks
for a $1.48 a pound.

They must be factory seconds.

The secret is in
knowing a butcher

who is crazy about
the way you walk.

It brings special
considerations.

I've watched you walk.

I've never given you

any special consideration.

You don't think I walk for you
the way I walk for a butcher?

Never forget you're
the wife of a policeman.

I'm not supposed to
be obligated to anyone.

Well, the mailman
doesn't feel that way.

Every Christmas, we give
him a bottle of whiskey.

Its the only reason we
get our mail once in a while.

This isn't Christmas.

Okay, so we get a little
meat all through the year.

Would you be happy if
the butcher gave us a cow

in December?

This is just the sort of
thing Kelly is looking for.

He can stir up a
lot of trouble for me

over a little thing like that.

Barney, Mr. D'Amato
is a lovely man.

He's not doing this
because you're a policeman.

He's doing this
because we are friends,

because we are fellow citizens,

and because he thinks
I'm a lovely hunk of woman.

It doesn't matter
why he's doing it.

The point is I'm a cop.

Now, if I were a tailor,
nobody would care,

but I am a cop,

and a policeman
has to be careful

about accepting
any sort of gratuity.

You want me to
throw out the steaks?

As long as they're here...

I could grind them
into hamburgers

so they won't be traced.

Liz, I know

it sounds ridiculous.

These are perilous times,

so until Kelly

finds something better
to do with his time,

please, no more knick-knacks.

Knick-knacks?

Just a police expression.

Just don't take any
favors from anybody,

no matter how
trivial they may seem.

I suppose

that applies to free tickets?

To the theater?

To Bermuda.

Free tickets to Bermuda?
What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
a little knick-knack

from our travel agent.

How can he give
away a thing like that?

Because he gets two free tickets

every year,

and every year, he goes,

and this year, he's not going.

What I don't understand

is why is he giving them to us?

Barney,

he doesn't want
anything from you.

He knows you're a policeman.

He appreciates the fact

that you lay your
life on the line for him

every single day of the year.

It's just his way of saying

he's sick of Bermuda.

Liz, we can't
accept those tickets.

The way things are,

with Kelly just
looking for trouble...

We're going to the mountains.

Well... I suppose you're right,

but what really annoys
me is to see a man

who has devoted
20 years of his life

to the police department,

a man who has never
compromised his integrity,

a man who has never
taken anything from anyone,

to see that man

suddenly looking
over his shoulder

and denying himself
a lovely opportunity

offered by a grateful
citizen and a friend

is shameful and unjust.

I'm grateful, thank you.

It's just my way of saying,
"I'm sick of the mountains."

Fish.

Fish, listen.

In the event a prisoner
is being extradited

from the county of one state
to the county of another state,

and such extradition
papers have been presented

to the police officer in
charge of the extradition,

when the prisoner is delivered

in the county of
the second state,

signed for and released

by the receiving police officer,

is it necessary

for the extraditing
police officer

to file in the county
of the first state

copies of the extradition papers

that have been given
to the police officer

in the county of
the second state?

Good morning.

What do you think?

I stopped in to buy
a new pair of shoes

this morning.

What did you get?

I didn't get nothing.

They had my size,

but they didn't have my shape.

They tried

to talk me into buying
a new type of shoes

where the toes are
higher than the heels.

I said to the guy,

"I can't walk like that.

"I'll tip over

and land on the
back of my head."

Look at this exacta at
Aqueduct. 800 bucks.

Why do they make everything

so damned difficult?

Number three and number
four. I always bet my age.

You're not 34.

I was when I won my last exacta.

Yemana, why don't you
put that damn thing away?

What did I do?

All you ever do is bet on
horses or the football game

or basketball game
or some crap game.

You left out jai alai.

Very funny.

If you tried busting bookies

instead of calling them on
the telephone all the time,

maybe we wouldn't
have a yard bird like Kelly

sneaking up our
keisters all the time.

We have nothing
to fear but fear itself.

Go fry a noodle.

That's beneath you.

It's always me that's
doing something wrong.

"What'd you say this for,
Wojo?" "That's out of line, Wojo."

Nobody says that
about you, Wojo.

"How come Fish had to climb
up nine flights of stairs, Wojo?"

That was out of line, Wojo.

See, it's always somebody

beefing about
something I've done.

I wish I was back
out on the streets

in uniform again.

If you're worried
about dirty marks

on your laundry,

maybe Kelly can accommodate you.

What's going on?

Nothing.

What happened?

Nothing, Barney.

They were discussing Kelly.

Good morning.

You're late.

I interviewed a lot
of women last night

who got dirty phone calls.

I had to take down
all the conversations.

I got names. I got addresses.

I also got excited.

You want me to
type up these reports?

Maybe you'd
better let Fish do it.

Good.

You know, these guys

who make dirty phone calls

got to be very lonely people.

They spend so much time

talking on the telephone,

they never get to meet anybody.

I wish he'd start
writing dirty letters.

Then the post office
could worry about him.

12th Precinct.

Yeah, he'll be here.

Thanks.

Kelly's on his way over.

He wanted to make sure

you were here.

Thanks.

Hey, Barney, you think
Kelly is just a big mouth,

or is he really going
to try to make trouble?

I think Kelly is
just a big mouth

who's really going
to try to make trouble.

He's probably after me.

Kelly's always had a thing

about Orientals being
on the police force.

He says we screw up the look
of the Saint Patrick's Day parade.

Kelly is after someone
in a position of authority.

He's looking for somebody

who's been doing
a little chiseling

under the table, or
somebody whose wife

has been doing
a little chiseling

under the table.

No, no, that isn't it.

He's probably been
snooping around

into our personnel files

and came up with
something really big.

Like what?

Like the fact I cheated
on my income tax.

When was that?

About nine, ten years ago,

I went to a police
convention in San Francisco,

and I deducted all the
expenses for Bernice.

There's nothing
illegal about that.

Yes, there is. I
didn't take Bernice.

Did the I.R.S.
find out about it?

Yeah, they disallowed it.

They took it out the next year.

Well, if you're straight
with the government,

Kelly can't hurt you.

I'm not worried about Kelly.

I'm worried about Bernice.

I think Kelly

is on to something
international...

He's after me.

What did you do?

Me? I didn't do anything,

but my brother-in-law

is in New York
illegally from Argentina.

Where is he?

He's hiding in the
cellar of a condemned,

rat-infested building
on the West Side,

right across the street from me.

Well, you'd better
do something about it

before immigration finds out.

Well, I told him,

"Hey, you've got to go
back to South America,

"get a visa,

"then come back
to the United States,

"to New York," take the test,

and then become a
citizen of the United States."

What did he say to that?

He don't think it's worth it.

Hi, Barney.

Good morning.

I have a confession to make,

and I... I think

you all should hear it.

Maybe we should
start lighting candles.

This is serious.

Three years ago,

when I took the test for
detective, third-grade,

I wrote some
answers on my shirt.

Well, they were
important answers.

If Kelly's after my badge, I...

I'd rather turn it in than
have him put the arm on me,

so I'm going down
to Internal Affairs.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This is some exciting
group we've got here.

A little fooling
around on an exam,

a little fooling around
in San Francisco.

I'm beginning to
feel sorry for Kelly.

I mean, this is a pretty
measly bunch of skeletons

he found in this closet.

All right, gentlemen, we
have all purged our souls.

Life goes on.

Huh?

Yemana, that's a police
phone, not a racing wire,

and Chano,

see if you can convince
your brother-in-law

there's still some hope for us.

Uh, Wojo, when you
take that sergeant exam,

wear a clean shirt.

Fish... Don't waste a warning.

You know what really annoys me?

What really gets me is to
see basically honest men,

who have devoted their
lives to the police department,

intimidated and looking
over their shoulders.

It is shameful and unjust.

Thank you, Barney.

What's more,

I'm going to tell that
to Internal Affairs

as soon as I come
back from Bermuda.

Ahem.

Patrolman Kelly
reporting for duty.

For an undercover cop,

that's a pretty dumb disguise.

What are you doing in uniform?

It's my payoff

for devotion to the department.

I followed those investigations,
Barney, like I told you,

right up to the top, right
into the inner sanctum,

the commissioner's office.

There it was...

Nepotism, favoritism,
rake-offs on meat.

Man, I was sure

I was in line for a gold badge.

What did they give me?

A blue suit.

Here I am, right back
at the old one-two.

You mean they reassigned you

here?

Yeah. How about that?

Hey, Barn, no
hard feelings, huh?

Hey, fellows,
still friends, huh?

Nice to know they
still respect me.

Here's the free late edition,
compliments of the publisher.

Take it easy. Yemana,
I wasn't making book.

Uh, thanks, officer.

I'll take over from here.

I was just standing around.

I swear.

What are they busting me for?

Convenience.

Whose?

Mine.

I promised I'd
lay off the phone.

"I pledge allegiance

to the flag of the United
States of America..."

Fish? Yeah?

Check this out, will you?

You all right?

Yeah, why?

You look like you're
going to fall over.

It's my new shoes.

Hey, Barney?

Hey, if a police
officer loses his badge,

does he report
it to his superior

or just wait until
somebody turns it in?

He reports it to
his superior officer.

I lost my badge.