Ballmastrz 9009 (2018–2020): Season 1, Episode 9 - Chaste Wing of the Cold Turkey vs. Flaming Fist of Indulgence! - full transcript
Desperate to lose her beer gut by game day, Gaz trains under the master of washboard abs, Flypp Champion.
"Ballmastrz."
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
[ Tires screech ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Laughs ]
For moi?
[ Slurp ]
[ Glass shattering ]
[ Munching ]
[ Smooching ]
Huh?!
[ Both growling ]
Aah!
[ Evil laughter ]
[ Panting ]
Aah!
[ Evil laughter ]
Aaaah!
Blabber Ball:
Party girl Gaz Digzy
shows no signs
of slowing down.
We followed the Leptons'
controversial captain
all over town last night
on a binge of rich taste
and poor choices.
Ah, Digzy,
you look like hell.
Ahoy! The prodigal drunk
returns!
Wow! F-A-T, fat!
Get bent,
ya talkin' testicle.
I don't need your lip
this morning.
No, really, you curve
space and time.
Look at me -- I'm like a moon
orbiting a freakin' planet.
Laugh it off,
but as of today, I'm
turning over a new leaf.
I'm making some changes.
This flab
is coming off.
[ Chuckles ]
Good luck, tubby.
You got about as
much self-control
as a pig
in a truffle factory.
Ha! I'm gonna prove you
so wrong.
I'll bet you you can't lose
that rehab gut of yours
by the next big game.
What's the stakes?
You flatten out
that belly,
and I'll have my mouth
surgically welded shut
for the rest
of the season.
[ Chuckles ]
The sound of your silence
would be
music to my ears.
But if I win, you gotta
strut that fat ass of yours
buck naked across the field
during the game.
You're on, bigmouth.
I can't wait
to shut you up!
May the best ball win!
There it is --
the house of pain.
Feel free to throw
the towel in any time.
[ Grunting ]
[ Wah! Wah! ]
Hey, Flint, buddy,
I was wondering if maybe
you'd give me some pointers
on getting back in shape.
You know, pump
some iron with me.
Gaz, if this
is the setup
for some elaborate
practical joke --
No, I'm serious -- your
expertise is my best shot
at getting
a washboard stomach back.
I mean,
I need your help.
Finally --
someone who appreciates
the fruit
of my sacrifice!
Oh, this is
gonna be rich.
A fatass getting
trained by a fathead.
Sucking in your
stomach won't help.
Yes, it will.
It's the only way I can see
the flippin' numbers.
[ Buzzer ]
We've truly got
our work cut out for us.
If you're gonna train
with me,
we need to commit to a regimen
of grueling martial arts!
Yeah!
Intensive meditation!
Bring it on!
And lastly,
no drinking!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No booze, like at all?
You are barred
from the bars.
Willpower is a muscle.
You can make it grow with work.
We can reach your full
potential in record time,
but only if
you can commit.
Okay, Stumpy.
I'll try anything once.
[ Grunting ]
[ Laughs ]
Ohh!
Ow! Hey!
[ Whip cracks ]
♪♪
Ha ha ha!
Geronimo!
[ Grunts loudly ]
[ Shouts ]
Hah!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
I have an important
announcement!
Gaz has made
a heroic pledge
to get fit
by our next big game!
Whoa. That's intense.
Doesn't she already have
enough on her plate?
Yeah, if she succeeds,
it'll be an epic triumph
of mind over platter.
[ Both laugh ]
I just know
she can do it!
Damn right she will!
With my expert tutelage
and focused curriculum
of training, temperance,
and nutrition,
she'll melt back into
a hot piece of tail in no time!
Hah! Digzy's idea
of a balanced diet
is a beer
in each hand.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, speaking of beers,
I'm gonna seize
this opportunity to make a
little announcement of my own.
You're now looking at the
official spokesball
of Ulsa Guerin's favorite
local brew, Offal Ale.
[ Robots chanting "Beer" ]
Some free samples to
celebrate our first
cross-promotional giveaway.
The next game will
be Free Beer Day.
Aah!
Hey, I see what
you're trying to do.
You sabotage my dieting efforts
with a lot of easy suds.
How dare you!
I am only trying to
bolster the Leptons' brand
with a lucrative
marketing gimmick.
Why, you rotten little --
But if you're down
for a little side bet,
I'll wager you can't stay sober
'til game day, you lush!
I haven't touched a drink in
2 days, 6 hours, and 14 minutes.
What are the stakes?
The loser has to be
the winner's personal slave
for a whole month!
You're on,
ya floating dingleberry.
[ Yelling ]
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[ Crashing ]
♪♪
Ha ha!
[ Growls ]
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
Huh?! Yeah!
Aah!
[ Grunts ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Twinkle! ]
♪♪
[ Screams ]
I'm getting nowhere.
I see myself
in your struggles,
and I'm reminded of
my youthful exploits
as a wandering hero
of the wastelands.
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
[ Grunts ]
I defended the weak,
battling roving ravagers
with my deadly martial arts
style, Two Buck Chuck.
Yeah!
The sacred scrolls
became my guide.
Get him!
With each sacrifice
of my flesh, I grew stronger --
alone in body,
but not in spirit.
Fire!
My psyche wove my entrails
into a golden chain
of awakening.
Villainy was impaled on
a lance of enlightenment
known as Umbilicas!
[ All yelling, screaming ]
[ People gasping ]
The purpose of discipline is
to live more fully, not less,
and I always live
to the fullest!
Now we're talkin'!
Those sacred scrolls
sound like a shortcut to
getting ripped overnight.
Ow!
There are
no shortcuts!
The scrolls contain
dark, powerful secrets
that could go awry in the
hands of a fervent neophyte.
So I couldn't just
peek at a few?
Banish it
from your mind!
Let's get back
to work, worm!
[ Snoring ]
[ Chuckles ]
Nope. Next. Not you.
Gotta be in here somewhere.
[ Chuckles ]
Blabber Ball:
Hello, consortium.
It's Free Beer Day
here at Ulsa Guerin!
Those hard-luck Leptons
are hosting
The Roki Men of Chapter City,
who are looking to go ape
on veteran Gaz Digzy
and her junk jocks.
It's gonna be bananas!
[ Roars ]
[ Cheering ]
Where's Gaz? She missed our
morning workout -- again!
I hate to break it to you,
sensei,
but Gaz has no willpower.
Gaz: Hey, Leptons!
May I present your new
and improved team captain!
♪♪
Sweet Krayzar!
There goes my bet!
Gaz, you did it!
I don't believe
my eyes!
I admit it --
I had my doubts.
Oh, Gaz,
I'm so proud!
I must really be
a good sensei after all!
Alright, alright!
Dry your eyes, Mary.
Let's go pound
some primates!
[ Cheering ]
[ Growling ]
Whoa! I sure hope you know
what you're doing, hotshot!
[ Grunting, screeching ]
[ Cheering ]
That's my Gaz!
Who's ready to rumble?
[ Roars ]
Hey, sensei, watch as the pupil
surpasses the master.
Digzy!
What have you done?!
By cramming all night,
studying the forbidden scrolls,
I've tapped into
dark, tantric powers
and shed my party girl
muffin top,
refocusing my beer belly
through my third navel chakra
to achieve the ultimate
physical, mystical makeover.
[ Echoing ] Behold,
the pride of Umbilicus!
[ Flump! ]
Huh?!
[ All gasp ]
You are never living this one
down. You know that, right?
I feel so violated!
What happened?
Time out!
Leptons call a time out!
Time out, time out, time out!
You betrayed me, Gaz Digzy!
You brought humiliation
and dishonor
to the secret discipline
of Two Buck Chuck!
Curse your fat ass and
any future generations
of fat little fatties that
squeeze out of your fat womb!
Wow. I suppose
I deserve that.
Anyone else?
Well, I feel
like crap.
Maybe we could just
forfeit this one.
You know, get some takeout,
rent a movie.
Oh, no,
you flimflam floozy!
Listen, we ain't forfeiting
on Free Beer Day,
and don't think
you can weasel out
of your streak of shame,
either.
The ball is right!
The only way Gaz
could save face
and reclaim even a
tiny shred of dignity
is to run around naked
in front of a packed arena
of rowdy drunks!
No reneging the nude,
you prude!
Gaz Digzy never
welshed on a bet.
Then drop them drawers
and start running, cupcake.
Shove it, dungball!
I'll drop my drawers,
but I ain't running.
Blabber Ball: What's this?
Gaz Digzy is taking the field
without her helmet --
or her shorts?!
[ Screaming ]
Disgusting!
Screw it! This is me!
No apologies!
Get an eyeful, you drunks!
[ Cheering ]
This isn't a beer belly!
It's a fuel tank
for a love machine!
Not nearly as enjoyable
as I thought it was gonna be.
[ Cheering ]
[ Grunting ]
Disgusting!
Let the human
mock monkey man.
Prince Bongo
smash nudey woman!
[ Grunting, screeching ]
Aah!
[ Crash! ]
[ Roars ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Cymbals crash ]
[ Both grunting, hooting ]
[ Screeches ]
Aah!
[ Roars ]
Aah!
[ Roars ]
[ Zing! ]
[ Crowd groans ]
Ow!
[ Grunting, cheering ]
You lost the bet,
and we lost the game,
but for some reason, you don't
seem too bothered by it.
I may have failed at
achieving a flat stomach,
but during my training,
I never touched a drop of booze,
and we had
a side bet.
Wait, wait.
That means --
[ Echoing ] No!
A whole month
of servitude.
I'll have you know, Offal Ale
revoked my sponsorship
'cause I can't make
public appearances
looking like
a chambermaid.
This humiliation
could not end any sooner.
Shut up
and fetch me a brew.
"Ballmastrz."
"Ballmastrz."
"Ballmastrz."
"Ballmast--"
Chirp.
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
[ Tires screech ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Laughs ]
For moi?
[ Slurp ]
[ Glass shattering ]
[ Munching ]
[ Smooching ]
Huh?!
[ Both growling ]
Aah!
[ Evil laughter ]
[ Panting ]
Aah!
[ Evil laughter ]
Aaaah!
Blabber Ball:
Party girl Gaz Digzy
shows no signs
of slowing down.
We followed the Leptons'
controversial captain
all over town last night
on a binge of rich taste
and poor choices.
Ah, Digzy,
you look like hell.
Ahoy! The prodigal drunk
returns!
Wow! F-A-T, fat!
Get bent,
ya talkin' testicle.
I don't need your lip
this morning.
No, really, you curve
space and time.
Look at me -- I'm like a moon
orbiting a freakin' planet.
Laugh it off,
but as of today, I'm
turning over a new leaf.
I'm making some changes.
This flab
is coming off.
[ Chuckles ]
Good luck, tubby.
You got about as
much self-control
as a pig
in a truffle factory.
Ha! I'm gonna prove you
so wrong.
I'll bet you you can't lose
that rehab gut of yours
by the next big game.
What's the stakes?
You flatten out
that belly,
and I'll have my mouth
surgically welded shut
for the rest
of the season.
[ Chuckles ]
The sound of your silence
would be
music to my ears.
But if I win, you gotta
strut that fat ass of yours
buck naked across the field
during the game.
You're on, bigmouth.
I can't wait
to shut you up!
May the best ball win!
There it is --
the house of pain.
Feel free to throw
the towel in any time.
[ Grunting ]
[ Wah! Wah! ]
Hey, Flint, buddy,
I was wondering if maybe
you'd give me some pointers
on getting back in shape.
You know, pump
some iron with me.
Gaz, if this
is the setup
for some elaborate
practical joke --
No, I'm serious -- your
expertise is my best shot
at getting
a washboard stomach back.
I mean,
I need your help.
Finally --
someone who appreciates
the fruit
of my sacrifice!
Oh, this is
gonna be rich.
A fatass getting
trained by a fathead.
Sucking in your
stomach won't help.
Yes, it will.
It's the only way I can see
the flippin' numbers.
[ Buzzer ]
We've truly got
our work cut out for us.
If you're gonna train
with me,
we need to commit to a regimen
of grueling martial arts!
Yeah!
Intensive meditation!
Bring it on!
And lastly,
no drinking!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No booze, like at all?
You are barred
from the bars.
Willpower is a muscle.
You can make it grow with work.
We can reach your full
potential in record time,
but only if
you can commit.
Okay, Stumpy.
I'll try anything once.
[ Grunting ]
[ Laughs ]
Ohh!
Ow! Hey!
[ Whip cracks ]
♪♪
Ha ha ha!
Geronimo!
[ Grunts loudly ]
[ Shouts ]
Hah!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
I have an important
announcement!
Gaz has made
a heroic pledge
to get fit
by our next big game!
Whoa. That's intense.
Doesn't she already have
enough on her plate?
Yeah, if she succeeds,
it'll be an epic triumph
of mind over platter.
[ Both laugh ]
I just know
she can do it!
Damn right she will!
With my expert tutelage
and focused curriculum
of training, temperance,
and nutrition,
she'll melt back into
a hot piece of tail in no time!
Hah! Digzy's idea
of a balanced diet
is a beer
in each hand.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, speaking of beers,
I'm gonna seize
this opportunity to make a
little announcement of my own.
You're now looking at the
official spokesball
of Ulsa Guerin's favorite
local brew, Offal Ale.
[ Robots chanting "Beer" ]
Some free samples to
celebrate our first
cross-promotional giveaway.
The next game will
be Free Beer Day.
Aah!
Hey, I see what
you're trying to do.
You sabotage my dieting efforts
with a lot of easy suds.
How dare you!
I am only trying to
bolster the Leptons' brand
with a lucrative
marketing gimmick.
Why, you rotten little --
But if you're down
for a little side bet,
I'll wager you can't stay sober
'til game day, you lush!
I haven't touched a drink in
2 days, 6 hours, and 14 minutes.
What are the stakes?
The loser has to be
the winner's personal slave
for a whole month!
You're on,
ya floating dingleberry.
[ Yelling ]
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[ Crashing ]
♪♪
Ha ha!
[ Growls ]
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
Huh?! Yeah!
Aah!
[ Grunts ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Twinkle! ]
♪♪
[ Screams ]
I'm getting nowhere.
I see myself
in your struggles,
and I'm reminded of
my youthful exploits
as a wandering hero
of the wastelands.
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
[ Grunts ]
I defended the weak,
battling roving ravagers
with my deadly martial arts
style, Two Buck Chuck.
Yeah!
The sacred scrolls
became my guide.
Get him!
With each sacrifice
of my flesh, I grew stronger --
alone in body,
but not in spirit.
Fire!
My psyche wove my entrails
into a golden chain
of awakening.
Villainy was impaled on
a lance of enlightenment
known as Umbilicas!
[ All yelling, screaming ]
[ People gasping ]
The purpose of discipline is
to live more fully, not less,
and I always live
to the fullest!
Now we're talkin'!
Those sacred scrolls
sound like a shortcut to
getting ripped overnight.
Ow!
There are
no shortcuts!
The scrolls contain
dark, powerful secrets
that could go awry in the
hands of a fervent neophyte.
So I couldn't just
peek at a few?
Banish it
from your mind!
Let's get back
to work, worm!
[ Snoring ]
[ Chuckles ]
Nope. Next. Not you.
Gotta be in here somewhere.
[ Chuckles ]
Blabber Ball:
Hello, consortium.
It's Free Beer Day
here at Ulsa Guerin!
Those hard-luck Leptons
are hosting
The Roki Men of Chapter City,
who are looking to go ape
on veteran Gaz Digzy
and her junk jocks.
It's gonna be bananas!
[ Roars ]
[ Cheering ]
Where's Gaz? She missed our
morning workout -- again!
I hate to break it to you,
sensei,
but Gaz has no willpower.
Gaz: Hey, Leptons!
May I present your new
and improved team captain!
♪♪
Sweet Krayzar!
There goes my bet!
Gaz, you did it!
I don't believe
my eyes!
I admit it --
I had my doubts.
Oh, Gaz,
I'm so proud!
I must really be
a good sensei after all!
Alright, alright!
Dry your eyes, Mary.
Let's go pound
some primates!
[ Cheering ]
[ Growling ]
Whoa! I sure hope you know
what you're doing, hotshot!
[ Grunting, screeching ]
[ Cheering ]
That's my Gaz!
Who's ready to rumble?
[ Roars ]
Hey, sensei, watch as the pupil
surpasses the master.
Digzy!
What have you done?!
By cramming all night,
studying the forbidden scrolls,
I've tapped into
dark, tantric powers
and shed my party girl
muffin top,
refocusing my beer belly
through my third navel chakra
to achieve the ultimate
physical, mystical makeover.
[ Echoing ] Behold,
the pride of Umbilicus!
[ Flump! ]
Huh?!
[ All gasp ]
You are never living this one
down. You know that, right?
I feel so violated!
What happened?
Time out!
Leptons call a time out!
Time out, time out, time out!
You betrayed me, Gaz Digzy!
You brought humiliation
and dishonor
to the secret discipline
of Two Buck Chuck!
Curse your fat ass and
any future generations
of fat little fatties that
squeeze out of your fat womb!
Wow. I suppose
I deserve that.
Anyone else?
Well, I feel
like crap.
Maybe we could just
forfeit this one.
You know, get some takeout,
rent a movie.
Oh, no,
you flimflam floozy!
Listen, we ain't forfeiting
on Free Beer Day,
and don't think
you can weasel out
of your streak of shame,
either.
The ball is right!
The only way Gaz
could save face
and reclaim even a
tiny shred of dignity
is to run around naked
in front of a packed arena
of rowdy drunks!
No reneging the nude,
you prude!
Gaz Digzy never
welshed on a bet.
Then drop them drawers
and start running, cupcake.
Shove it, dungball!
I'll drop my drawers,
but I ain't running.
Blabber Ball: What's this?
Gaz Digzy is taking the field
without her helmet --
or her shorts?!
[ Screaming ]
Disgusting!
Screw it! This is me!
No apologies!
Get an eyeful, you drunks!
[ Cheering ]
This isn't a beer belly!
It's a fuel tank
for a love machine!
Not nearly as enjoyable
as I thought it was gonna be.
[ Cheering ]
[ Grunting ]
Disgusting!
Let the human
mock monkey man.
Prince Bongo
smash nudey woman!
[ Grunting, screeching ]
Aah!
[ Crash! ]
[ Roars ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Cymbals crash ]
[ Both grunting, hooting ]
[ Screeches ]
Aah!
[ Roars ]
Aah!
[ Roars ]
[ Zing! ]
[ Crowd groans ]
Ow!
[ Grunting, cheering ]
You lost the bet,
and we lost the game,
but for some reason, you don't
seem too bothered by it.
I may have failed at
achieving a flat stomach,
but during my training,
I never touched a drop of booze,
and we had
a side bet.
Wait, wait.
That means --
[ Echoing ] No!
A whole month
of servitude.
I'll have you know, Offal Ale
revoked my sponsorship
'cause I can't make
public appearances
looking like
a chambermaid.
This humiliation
could not end any sooner.
Shut up
and fetch me a brew.
"Ballmastrz."
"Ballmastrz."
"Ballmastrz."
"Ballmast--"
Chirp.