Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - A Divided House - full transcript
The Bros are still feuding and their unprofessional behavior is driving Platinum crazy. Victoria sells to a group of track-suited women , while Dean spars with his publisher Gwentolyn ...
♪♪♪
Baxter: Yeah,
we're still broken up.
Get used to it, America.
Andrew:
I hate his stupid guts,
but we're professionals,
and we don't let it
affect our work.
Chelsea: Good morning, Andrew.
Morning, Baxter. What's up?
Baxter: Morning.
Hey, Chelsea.
Andrew:
Whoa, whoa, whoa -- Jesus.
Christ.
Could you give her a second
to let me respond?
She said my name first.
She said,
"Good morning, Andrew."
-Chelsea: Oh, I was just --
-Andrew: No. I'm trying --
I will help you.
I will help you out.
Baxter: Let --
Did you just hush a woman?
Andrew: No, I didn't hush.
When you hush, you go "Shh!"
Baxter:
That's pretty typical of you.
I will never hush you.
Andrew:
Don't put words in my mouth,
don't put anything in my mouth.
-Baxter: You said "Uh!"
-Andrew: No, I didn't "Uh!"
Chelsea: Andrew and Baxter
post Diamond Dealmakers suck.
Everybody tries to ignore them,
but you can't.
Andrew: You said --
Baxter: You always --
You always hush women.
Andrew: Oh, really?
Baxter's head is
too big for his body,
and he -- he bought a vitamin
from China
to try and shrink it!
Baxter: I had too much potassium
as a child...
Andrew: Oh!
Baxter: ...and it made
my skull too large.
Andrew:
Oh, I had too many bananas!
Baxter: Banana are good!
Andrew:
You have too many bananas?
-Baxter: Yeah!
-Andrew: You over banana'd!
Chelsea: I mean,
I got to hand it to Andrew.
Not everyone can make
the word "banana" sound bad.
Andrew:
He doesn't know the lyrics to
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
-Baxter: Yes, I do!
-Andrew: Sing it for 'em!
Baxter: ♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
little...♪
Andrew: Uh?
Aw!
-Baxter: Boy!
-Andrew: It's "Star," you...
-Baxter: Shit!
Andrew: ...you fucking --
Don't you push me.
Baxter: Ow!
Andrew:
That's what you deserve!
Somebody open a window.
Baxter: Don't throw me
out of the window!
Andrew:
Somebody open a window!
-Baxter: Ahh! Stop!
-Andrew: [ Blows raspberry ]
Baxter: Everything has changed.
Sure, we still live together
and work together,
but everything's different now.
Andrew: We no longer use
the same toothbrush,
and we don't have
a working toilet
because I sawed it in half.
[ Both grunting ]
-Chelsea: Hey, guys.
-Andrew: Hey.
Chelsea: What's up?
I have your client, Bana, here.
Baxter: Bana, how are you?
Really good to see you.
I love this jacket.
Andrew: Nice to see you.
That is nice. We --
Baxter: We were stretching.
Andrew: We were just
talking about you.
You have a property,
Calabasas,
that we think you're gonna love.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Baxter: Bana fired us after she
saw Andrew's chin on my nuts.
But that is okay.
We are on our way to meet
another client, Leshley Archer,
who will love the listing
in Calabasas.
Andrew: Since our split,
we had to figure out a way
to work together,
and what we came up with
is pretty genius.
Baxter: Yes, so, Andrew's gonna
show you the kitchen
and the living room
and half the back yard,
and I will cover the other half
of the back yard,
every other bathroom, and then
the shallow end of the pool,
which I have jurisdiction over,
and here it is.
Isn't it amazing?
Look at these steps.
-Leshley: Ah, it's absolutely --
-Andrew: I am, uh --
Leshley: Exactly what
I was looking for.
Baxter: Good.
Leshley:
How much are we talking here?
Andrew: Uh, price.
Yes.
The magic number -- 1...
-Baxter: ...8...
-Andrew: ...point...
-Baxter: ...4...
-Andrew: ...mil...
Baxter: ...'lions.
Leshley: I'm sorry?
-Andrew: 1...
-Baxter: ...8...
-Andrew: ...point...
-Baxter: ...4...
-Andrew: ...mil...
-Baxter: ...'lions.
Leshley: $18.4 million?
-Andrew: That is correct, yes.
-Leshley: Okay.
What's happening right now?
What is this?
Andrew: Uh, yeah.
If I can be frank with you,
uh, Baxter and I
have been having
some personal trouble, uh...
-Leshley: Okay.
Andrew: ...but you don't have
to worry about that,
because, professionally,
we're still doing our job
as team,
and we're gonna show you
this house.
You will not even notice.
-Baxter: Yep.
Andrew: Uh, we've -- we've
split things up.
Leshley:
I've noticed a few things.
Andrew: You have noticed,
but, on the other hand,
have you noticed?
-Leshley: Uh-huh.
-Andrew: Okay.
But has she, though?
Leshley: Are they looking
to sell quickly, or...?
Baxter: Well, uh, I was gonna
cover the wife's point of view,
and you were gonna cover
the husband's point of view.
And she is not happy
about selling the place.
She wants to stay in it,
actually, but...
Andrew: He wants to sell
very quickly.
Baxter: Okay, real talk?
We haven't made a sale
since we broke up.
But even realer talk?
We are about to make this sale.
Why don't I take your right arm
to that upstairs bedroom
so I can show you
that final room.
You still haven't seen it.
Andrew: Okay, and after
you're done with that,
I can take your titties out
to the back yard --
-Leshley: I'm sorry?
-Andrew: Uh...not --
Baxter: I thought we were
gonna split up her tits.
-Leshley: Okay.
-Andrew: No.
We talked about this.
Wait.
I won --
We flipped a coin.
Leshley:
To split up my tits?
Andrew: ...because you had
very nice, uh, jammers.
"Jammers" is what I call boobs,
and also butts,
sometimes dicks.
Leshley: I mean,
this is absolutely...
-Andrew: Uh...
-Leshley: ...disrespectful...
Andrew: I apologize.
I--
Leshley: ...and disgusting --
both of you.
I heard you guys were excellent.
Baxter: You heard right.
We are excellent.
Leshley: I'll see myself out,
thank you.
Baxter: You see
what I'm dealing with here?
Andrew blew it.
Andrew:
Way to lose a sale, Baxter.
[ Blows raspberry ]
[ Both grunting ]
♪♪♪
[ Groans ]
♪♪♪
Victoria: I am determined
to get Dean
to let me write the forward
for his book,
and I don't take "No"
for an answer.
Knowing you, this book is gonna
be full of masculinity...
Dean: Hmm.
Victoria:
...fearless aggression,
brute force.
-Dean: Absolutely.
-Victoria: Am I right?
-Dean: Yes, you are.
Victoria: I think you need
a feminine touch.
Dean: Oh!
Well, who did you have in mind?
Victoria: Me, Dean.
Dean: Uh,
you will be the person
to find the woman
who will write the --
Victoria: No, I will be
the woman to write it
to give the feminine touch.
Dean: Really?
Victoria: [ Chuckles ]
Dean, of course.
I mean, I'm the most
feminine person you know.
I'm like a...
-Dean: That's --
Victoria: I'm like
a girl's girl, you know?
Like with the gal pals.
Like, uh, girlie Fridays.
Dean: Victoria, I don't mean
this to sound insulting.
Victoria: I hope it's not.
Dean:
But you sound like a creature
from another dimension
who wants to impersonate
a human woman
and has just sloppily
gathered together some facts
that they've heard about women.
Victoria: Is he crazy?
The only thing alien about me
is my housekeeper, Swala.
Dean: How many female friends
do you have?
Victoria: [ Scoffs ]
Oh, God.
I mean, I can't even --
I can't even count.
-Dean: Well, name one.
Victoria:
Uh, there's -- there's Tina.
Dean:
What's Tina's last name?
Victoria:
And there -- Tina Linda.
Dean: Is "Linda" her
married name or her maiden name?
Victoria: Her married name.
-Dean: What's her maiden name?
-Victoria: Teresa.
Dean: And her parents --
Mr. and Mrs. Teresa...
-Victoria: Yes.
-Dean: ...were they upset
that she abandoned
the family name?
Victoria: No,
because, of course,
the mother's name
wasn't originally Teresa.
-Dean: Of course not.
-Victoria: No.
Dean: What was her name --
her maiden name?
-Victoria: Toni.
-Dean: Toni.
And what's her first name?
Victoria: Uh...
Uh, I think it's, um, Tinda?
Dean: You understand that
Tinda Toni Teresa
sounds like a legendary mongoose
who battled cobras?
Victoria: Dean, I can't help
what my friends' names are,
okay?
You just asked me if
I had girlfriends. I named one.
Dean: Name another.
Victoria: Dean, I feel like
we're getting off track.
It's not my fault
I don't have friends.
Clearly, I intimidate all women,
so what am I supposed to do?
♪♪♪
Andrew:
I think I finally realized
why our Calabasas showing
went so poorly.
Baxter: Andrew and I
never got closure,
and we need it
to sell this house.
Andrew: So we're having
a closure ceremony.
-Baxter: Attention, please.
-Andrew: Everybody look.
-Baxter: Attention.
-Andrew: Listen up!
Could everybody
get off the phone?!
-Baxter: Come here!
-Andrew: Can we have a second?
I'm sorry to raise my voice.
-Victoria: Jesus.
Andrew:
Listen, as some of you know,
uh, Baxter and I
are no longer together,
and, traditionally,
at the ending of a relationship,
you take items that
the other one has given to you,
and you return them
to said person.
Baxter: It's a sad errand.
Andrew: Now, we have estimated
that this should take no less
than three to four hours.
-Woman: What?
-Andrew: So, let's get started.
Glenn: If those two sweet angels
can't make it,
what chance do any of us have?
Andrew: I want to start
with this shaving cream.
Uh, we got this on
our first Halloween together.
Halloween is,
of course, a holiday.
It's somewhere in October...
-Amir: 31st.
-Andrew: ...31st.
When we went over
to Victoria's house,
and all over the right side
of her house,
we spent a couple hours
drawing, uh,
penises/wieners.
-Victoria: Yeah.
Andrew: Uh, a lot of you
probably are thinking
"That's stupid.
Why would you do that?"
-Chelsea: Yes.
Victoria:
We're all thinking that.
Andrew: Thank you for that.
That reminds me of a trip
we took to Cancún.
Baxter: I remember this.
Andrew:
It was for a spring break.
I can't remember
which season it's in,
but it's one of the seasons
where traditionally --
-Amir: It's spring.
-Andrew: Yeah.
Amir:
The bros are such babies.
Glenn and I used to be
best friends,
but we've moved on.
I have, anyways.
I bet he has, too.
I don't know,
'cause he won't talk to me.
Baxter: We took a cruise,
we got off in Cancún,
and we bought
this shaving cream.
Chelsea: Are they serious?
These idiots are returning
identical items to each other.
Amir: This is what's gonna
take them four goddamn hours?
Can we wrap this up, please?
Andrew: Yes. Uh, speaking of
wrapping it up...
Uh, it was Christmas.
It was three years ago. What --
-Baxter: December 24th.
-Andrew: Christmas is...
-Amir: 25th.
-Andrew: 25th.
Um, so, as a joke, we put, uh --
We put rubbers on,
and we ran around the house
just doing this weird,
like, song and dance.
Glenn:
What says "Christmas" better
than two best friends singing
silly songs...
almost nude?
[ Sobs ]
Baxter: This reminds me of a lot
of birthday parties we went to.
-Andrew: Uh-huh.
-Baxter: So, we blew up
a bunch of condoms together,
and we filled them with helium,
and may we never bring
flesh-colored balloons
to a children's birthday party
again.
Andrew: Uh, well,
we definitely won't do that,
because we will never do
anything together again.
Victoria: You know,
you may find it surprising that
when you leave this, your boxes
look exactly the same. Yeah.
Andrew: Easter.
Easter, one year ago.
Easter is in...
Both: It changes.
Andrew: One year ago, on Easter,
I asked if, instead of candy,
we could do some sort
of drug exchange,
and we came up with the idea
together to do pill roulette.
Baxter: You're gonna give those
back to me, really?
Andrew:
I'm gonna give these back.
Baxter:
You're gonna give me back...
all those Vicodins?
Well, I guess you can
have yours back, too.
Victoria: If I have
to listen to this shit,
I sure as hell
don't have to be sober.
Glenn:
Why are you guys doing this?
Don't you see?
You've each gotten each other
so many sweet gifts.
You shouldn't be
fighting like this.
-Andrew: No, Glenn --
-Baxter: Glenn --
Glenn:
Drink some water with that pill.
Don't chew it raw.
-Andrew: Don't --
-Baxter: Glenn --
Chelsea: He's right about that.
You're gonna choke.
Andrew: Glenn, we are not done!
This is what happens.
Baxter: Keep it.
Amir:
Maybe if I help them make up,
Glenn will see that
we can make up.
♪♪♪
Victoria: I'm showing a house
in Studio City
to my client, Nadine.
But I'll admit,
my mind is on Dean's forward.
Maybe if I can get Nadine
to be my female friend,
he'll have to choose me
to write it.
So, then,
through the corridor here,
we enter the entertaining space.
Woman: Oh, this is nice.
Victoria: Yeah,
I just love this.
I mean, as you can see,
eight doors that open up
to the back yard.
You've got an infinity pool,
you've got views of the ocean,
you know,
and, as well, mountain views...
-Woman: Yeah.
Victoria:
...which, I just think,
where else
can you find that in --
Hello.
-Woman #2: Hi.
Can you black these windows out?
Woman #1:
That's what I'm wondering --
the privacy.
Victoria: Together?
I can be friends with two girls.
That will impress Dean
twice as much.
You know, it's a great family
home if you wanted to start...
-Woman #1: Mm.
-Victoria: ...to start a family.
-Woman #2: We have a family.
-Woman #1: We do. We're set.
Victoria: Oh, really?
How many of you...altogether?
Woman #1:
That's yet to be determined.
-Victoria: Oh. [ Chuckles ]
-Woman #2: Yeah.
-Woman #3: Is there an attic?
-Victoria: What?
Woman #3: Is there an attic?
How hard is it to get to?
Victoria:
Am I impressive or what?
I set out to make
one girlfriend,
and now I have three.
We could have someone
come in here with sage.
You know,
kind of clear that out.
Because, honestly,
you want to --
This is a great
entertaining space.
And if -- Huh?
Woman #4: Hi.
I love the flow.
Victoria:
And then there were four!
[ Laughter ]
Tess, Missy, Aisha, and Nadine.
Four new friends make a squad --
a king squad.
I love these outfits.
[ Chuckles ]
-Woman #4: Thank you.
-Woman #1: Do you want one?
-Woman #3: You can have one.
-Woman #4: Yeah, we have lots.
-Woman #3: We'll give you one.
Victoria: Um, you know...
Woman #2: We have your size.
Victoria: [ Chuckles ]
Extra-extra small?
Woman #3: Your hair would
look nice in a ponytail.
Victoria: Thank you.
-Woman #4: You're beautiful.
-Victoria: Thank you.
I've never been around
this many women
who weren't chasing me for
what I did to their husbands.
So, it's a 30-day escrow.
Woman #4: No.
It has to be 12 days.
Woman #1: We need to be
in the house in 12 days.
Victoria: You know, 30 days
is pretty standard. I'm --
-Woman #4: No.
-Victoria: I might be able to --
Women: No.
-Victoria: How about two weeks?
-Women: No!
-Woman #3: What did we just say?
-Woman #4: Try again.
-Woman #1: Why don't you listen?
-Victoria: Well, I'm listening.
I'm just trying
to offer something...
Woman #4:
You're doing a great job.
Just try another guess,
a different number...that's 12.
-Victoria: 12?
-Woman #4: 12!
-Woman #2: 12. Great.
Woman #4: That's what
we were thinking.
Woman #1: That's what we like --
We like 12.
Victoria: I got it.
I'm the best.
I sold the house,
I got the girlfriends,
and now I'm going to write
the forward for Dean's book.
♪♪♪
Dean: And now I must attend
a very important meeting
at the home of my friend
and book editor,
Gwentolyn Swanson.
Gwentolyn: Sorry,
just let me refill.
Dr. Bermom's got me
on that wine cleanse.
-Dean: Terry? Oh!
-Gwentolyn: Mm-hmm!
Have you heard of it?
Dean: I've heard
of the wine cleanse.
You know, two years ago,
he cleared up my tennis elbow.
He injected me with trichinosis.
Gwentolyn:
I trust him with my life.
I've done all of them.
I did the paper cleanse...
-Dean: Mm-hmm.
Gwentolyn: ...the tear cleanse.
I have scratches on the inside
of my body, I'm told,
from the demon cleanse, but...
Dean: But that's on the inside.
Gwentolyn: My jeans fit,
you know what I mean? Mmm!
Dean: He's a miracle worker.
Gwentolyn: Speaking of
fitting something big
into something smaller...
-Dean: Yes!
Gwentolyn: ...I am loving
what you're doing -- brilliant.
-Dean: Thank you.
-Gwentolyn: You're welcome.
-Dean: You understand it.
-Gwentolyn: I absolutely do.
But I have to put
my big, bad editor cap on.
[ Clicks tongue ]
[ British accent ]
Hello. How ya doing?
-Dean: Hello.
-Gwentolyn: She's British.
Uh, we've got
to shorten this.
Dean: T-Take the hat off
for a second.
Gwentolyn:
[ Normal voice ] Yeah?
Dean: When you say "shorten,"
you mean --
you mean, um,
use a different size paper?
Gwentolyn: Hmm.
Uh, that's an interesting way
to interpret that.
No.
Uh, this is three chapters?
-Dean: Yes.
-Gwentolyn: Right.
We just want to get to the meat.
Dean: Ooh. Oof.
First of all --
Gwentolyn:
No, honey, stay with me.
This is -- we can do this
very easily.
I think -- I-I've got
a couple easy ones for you.
For example,
this right here is --
These are the thank-yous.
-Dean: Yes.
Gwentolyn:
That's a little too many.
This -- This is --
Dean: People will be furious
if they're left out.
Gwentolyn:
I'm not quite sure --
Dean: I'll never
hear the end of it.
Gwentolyn: Not the dead people,
and there's several.
Dean: You don't have
to meet them in the next world.
Gwentolyn: There is, what --
and I mean...
then you just did
"Battle Hymn of the Republic."
You just put the whole thing in.
Dean:
♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪
♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪
It has to remain!
And you need every
"Glory, glory, hallelujah,"
because otherwise you lose
the thread of the song.
Don't you think,
if I take anything out,
the reader will think, "I'm not
getting the full story here.
He's hiding something."
Gwentolyn: I don't think that.
Dean: Well,
put yourself in the mind
of the reader reading the book.
Gwentolyn:
I-I -- If I saw the book,
which would be, uh,
in an airplane hangar,
because that's the only place
that could house it,
I wouldn't have gone
to that weird-ass book sale,
wherever that is.
I wouldn't have gone
in the first place.
So, the reader that you're
talking about does not exist.
Dean: Well,
that's an excellent idea --
Only sell the book to people who
own private airplane hangars.
Gwentolyn: [ Sighs ]
You know I love you.
But this my job...
-Dean: I take you at your word.
Gwentolyn: ...to cut down.
Less is more.
Dean: Now, you say that,
and yet, look at
the amount of bracelets.
Physician, heal thyself.
-Gwentolyn: [ Scoffs ] Please.
Dean: Gwentolyn, thank you for
taking the time to meet with me.
I appreciate your counsel,
and I promise you
that I will pretend to take
under advisement everything
that you've said here today.
Now, I have to go
because I have a meeting
with a special team
of scientists
who are going to make me
my own ink
for the publication of the book.
Gwentolyn: I have many thoughts
about what you just said.
-Dean: Do you?
-Gwentolyn: Mm-hmm.
Dean: Why don't you
write them all down?
You'll find that writing is fun.
♪♪♪
Victoria:
I'm meeting my clients/squad
at the Studio City house
to have them sign
the closing paperwork.
Okay, so, I have
all the paperwork here.
Appraisal report's in the back.
You just need
to sign and initial
at the bottom of each page,
and we have a deal. [ Chuckles ]
Woman #4: Great.
I have one quick question.
Victoria: Absolutely, anything.
Woman #4: What if we put
another line on here,
and you signed, too?
-Victoria: [ Chuckles ]
Woman #4: Crazy, I know,
but you could live with us.
I don't know -- just --
I'm just pitch-balling.
Victoria:
Oh, I have a beautiful house.
I -- I love where I live.
But I will visit, I promise.
Woman #2:
But there's room for you.
Woman #3:
There's plenty of room.
Victoria:
Well, you bought a huge house,
so good for you, ladies.
Woman #4:
We're gonna have 50 beds.
Woman #1: And the floor.
Woman #3:
I'll be sleeping on the floor.
Woman #1:
I'll be sleeping on the floor.
Victoria: I'm getting this.
I got you.
This is, uh, you know,
like on "20/20."
Woman #3: What?
A what?
-Victoria: It's a cult.
-Woman #3: It's a what?
Excuse you?
A what?
Woman #1:
'Cause there'd be a cunt?
Victoria: No. No!
Oh, God, no. I'm so--
This is a cult.
You guys are in a cult.
Woman #3: Did you call me
a little baby horse?!
Woman #4: Oh, a cult.
We're not a cult.
Victoria: I-I'm -- I didn't mean
to offend anyone.
I'm just saying, I -- I get it.
You're in a cult.
-Woman #1: We are.
Woman #4: It's just girlfriends.
We just have a lot in common.
Woman #3:
We are four girlfriends.
Woman #1: Soon to be five.
-Victoria: Oh.
-Woman #4: We like you.
-Woman #3: We like you a lot.
-Woman #2: A lot.
Victoria: I always say anything
for a sale,
and Dean seems to think
me having girlfriends
is very important, so, yeah,
what the hell, I'm in.
So, we'll just get
your final signature here,
and we're done!
We have a house.
-Woman #4: Yay!
Victoria: Go us girls.
Go girls.
Go girls in our house.
[ Chuckles ]
-Woman #2: Girls.
-Victoria: Yeah.
Woman #3: I know.
Let's celebrate.
Victoria: Ooh!
I like a little celebrating.
-Woman #3: With Kool-Aid.
-Woman #1: Wonderful beverage.
[ All exclaiming ]
Woman #4: Yes, my favorite.
Victoria:
I will only drink enough poison
to lose some weight,
then I'm out.
♪♪♪
Amir: Glenn was very upset
by the bros' breakup.
I need to patch up
the bros' friendship
so that Glenn can see
that reconciliation is possible
for us, too.
Baxter: Come on over here, guys.
Andrew: Come on over
if you want some champagne.
Baxter: You got a problem with
drinking, head on over there.
Andrew: Or if you got a problem
with your carb control,
stay over here and have
six or seven buns, right?
Baxter: Hey, we all love
a little bit of carbs.
Andrew: If you'd like
to take a seat,
come over here.
-Baxter: That's not true.
Amir:
Cash buyers coming through.
-Andrew: Oh!
-Amir: Cash buyers coming --
Baxter: I've never been so happy
to see Amir.
Andrew is being such a dummy!
-Andrew: No, no, no, no, no, no!
-Baxter: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Those are chairs.
Those are on Andrew's side.
-Andrew: Those are mine.
-Baxter: I don't need chairs.
I just need tables.
-Amir: Put 'em over here?
Andrew: Well, they're welcome
to sit over here.
Amir: What is this tape?
Andrew: That is to separate
the open house.
This is my half of the open
house, this is Baxter's half.
He stays on his side,
I stay on my side.
Baxter: This is the Berlin Wall,
and -- and we got Russia
over here,
and we got the Nazis over here,
so why don't you guys
come over here to the good side.
Amir: Okay, you're not Nazis.
You are not Nazis.
Okay, I've had enough of this.
Guys, I came here to try
to bring you together,
because you are
way less annoying together
than you are apart.
Andrew: Oh, we are annoying?!
[ High-pitched voice ]
Are we annoying Amir?
Are we annoying?
[ Normal voice ] Shut up!
Baxter: Oh, Amir,
you just crossed the line, bro.
You're barely together.
You're falling apart.
Look at you.
[ Both snicker ]
[ Laughs ]
I got him good.
Andrew: I have to admit, that
was a home-run burn, Baxter.
I still hate you, but good one.
You fucking fatso.
Baxter: Is Amir a peanut?
Because he just got roasted.
Amir: Okay, fine,
I'll take one for the team --
as long as the team
is me and Glenn.
Andrew: Bro,
I got a million of 'em,
all classics, all fat jokes.
Look at you!
Look at you.
-Baxter: Give this up.
-Both: Oh! Oh!
Andrew:
"What happened? I'm a boy.
Why do I have these, Mommy?"
You're a fat asshole,
and you get your head so far
up your own ass
that you don't even realize
that we can handle this.
Baxter: Yeah, you got no idea.
Amir: Okay, it's starting
to hurt a little.
Also, again, totally not fat.
I wear a boy's petite.
Both: ♪ You so fat, you so fat,
you so fat ♪
[ Both vocalizing ]
-Baxter: This is good.
-Andrew: Ah!
Baxter: This is good.
-Andrew: Oww!
-Baxter: O-w-w-w!
-Andrew: Guess what? We back!
-Baxter: We back, baby.
-Andrew: We back!
-Baxter: We're back!
-Amir: All right!
-Andrew: Yeah?
-Amir: Okay.
-Baxter: This is making me --
this is making me forget
about why we even fought
in the first place,
the Diamond Dealmakers.
[ Record scratches ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
Andrew: What?
What did you say?
Baxter: This is making me forget
that I...
-Amir: No. No, I'm so fat.
-Baxter: ...screwed you over
at the Diamond Dealmakers.
Andrew:
Why would you bring that up?
Baxter: 'Cause it's why
we started fighting --
at the Diamond Dealmakers,
and I fucked you over.
Andrew: I'm done. And just when
I'm starting to forget about it.
I'm out of here.
-Baxter: N--
Andrew: I'm out.
Don't come after me.
Nobody try to grab me.
No -- Don't worry,
I'm out of here,
I'm pissed off, and I'm mad.
Don't come after me
and try to fix things.
Amir: Go get him.
♪♪♪
-Baxter: Hey.
-Andrew: Stop.
-Baxter: Hey.
-Andrew: Don't come after me.
Don't.
-Baxter: Hey.
-Andrew: Hi.
-Baxter: Hey.
-Andrew: Hey.
Don't --
-Baxter: Hey. Hey.
Enough talking. There's only one
way to save this relationship.
[ Upbeat music playing ]
Woman: ♪ Remember ♪
Amir: Where's the music
coming from?
Man: [ Rapping ]
♪ I will never let you go ♪
♪ The faces are changed ♪
♪ I'll be writing
with my hope in your gaze ♪
♪ To turning the page,
even our emotion's unfazed ♪
Baxter:
This is the first dance
Andrew and I ever
made up together.
Man: ♪ Boy, am I a man
when I'm holding your hand ♪
♪ But that's because
I ain't understand ♪
♪ The power, the glory, the way
that you're rewritin' my story ♪
♪ And despite all my faults,
I can see you enjoy ♪
♪ That's what it is, who knew
that I would turn into this? ♪
♪ My heart...♪
Amir:
They really nailed that lift.
Man: ♪ And I had to write
these words ♪
♪ 'Cause I want you
to know that ♪
Woman: ♪ Remember ♪
Baxter: I'm so sorry, Andrew!
Andrew: No, I'm sorry, Baxy.
Both: Let's never fight again.
Best friends forever.
-Baxter: Ah, ah, oh.
-Andrew: Unh, unh, unh.
Baxter: I'm close.
Andrew: Wait for me.
Whoo!
-Baxter: Whoo!
-Man: ♪ No, no, no ♪
-Woman: ♪ Remember ♪
Amir: Yes!
The bros are back together!
Which means that me and Glenn
can get back together.
Glenn: Hard pass.
♪♪♪
Baxter: Yeah,
we're still broken up.
Get used to it, America.
Andrew:
I hate his stupid guts,
but we're professionals,
and we don't let it
affect our work.
Chelsea: Good morning, Andrew.
Morning, Baxter. What's up?
Baxter: Morning.
Hey, Chelsea.
Andrew:
Whoa, whoa, whoa -- Jesus.
Christ.
Could you give her a second
to let me respond?
She said my name first.
She said,
"Good morning, Andrew."
-Chelsea: Oh, I was just --
-Andrew: No. I'm trying --
I will help you.
I will help you out.
Baxter: Let --
Did you just hush a woman?
Andrew: No, I didn't hush.
When you hush, you go "Shh!"
Baxter:
That's pretty typical of you.
I will never hush you.
Andrew:
Don't put words in my mouth,
don't put anything in my mouth.
-Baxter: You said "Uh!"
-Andrew: No, I didn't "Uh!"
Chelsea: Andrew and Baxter
post Diamond Dealmakers suck.
Everybody tries to ignore them,
but you can't.
Andrew: You said --
Baxter: You always --
You always hush women.
Andrew: Oh, really?
Baxter's head is
too big for his body,
and he -- he bought a vitamin
from China
to try and shrink it!
Baxter: I had too much potassium
as a child...
Andrew: Oh!
Baxter: ...and it made
my skull too large.
Andrew:
Oh, I had too many bananas!
Baxter: Banana are good!
Andrew:
You have too many bananas?
-Baxter: Yeah!
-Andrew: You over banana'd!
Chelsea: I mean,
I got to hand it to Andrew.
Not everyone can make
the word "banana" sound bad.
Andrew:
He doesn't know the lyrics to
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
-Baxter: Yes, I do!
-Andrew: Sing it for 'em!
Baxter: ♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
little...♪
Andrew: Uh?
Aw!
-Baxter: Boy!
-Andrew: It's "Star," you...
-Baxter: Shit!
Andrew: ...you fucking --
Don't you push me.
Baxter: Ow!
Andrew:
That's what you deserve!
Somebody open a window.
Baxter: Don't throw me
out of the window!
Andrew:
Somebody open a window!
-Baxter: Ahh! Stop!
-Andrew: [ Blows raspberry ]
Baxter: Everything has changed.
Sure, we still live together
and work together,
but everything's different now.
Andrew: We no longer use
the same toothbrush,
and we don't have
a working toilet
because I sawed it in half.
[ Both grunting ]
-Chelsea: Hey, guys.
-Andrew: Hey.
Chelsea: What's up?
I have your client, Bana, here.
Baxter: Bana, how are you?
Really good to see you.
I love this jacket.
Andrew: Nice to see you.
That is nice. We --
Baxter: We were stretching.
Andrew: We were just
talking about you.
You have a property,
Calabasas,
that we think you're gonna love.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Baxter: Bana fired us after she
saw Andrew's chin on my nuts.
But that is okay.
We are on our way to meet
another client, Leshley Archer,
who will love the listing
in Calabasas.
Andrew: Since our split,
we had to figure out a way
to work together,
and what we came up with
is pretty genius.
Baxter: Yes, so, Andrew's gonna
show you the kitchen
and the living room
and half the back yard,
and I will cover the other half
of the back yard,
every other bathroom, and then
the shallow end of the pool,
which I have jurisdiction over,
and here it is.
Isn't it amazing?
Look at these steps.
-Leshley: Ah, it's absolutely --
-Andrew: I am, uh --
Leshley: Exactly what
I was looking for.
Baxter: Good.
Leshley:
How much are we talking here?
Andrew: Uh, price.
Yes.
The magic number -- 1...
-Baxter: ...8...
-Andrew: ...point...
-Baxter: ...4...
-Andrew: ...mil...
Baxter: ...'lions.
Leshley: I'm sorry?
-Andrew: 1...
-Baxter: ...8...
-Andrew: ...point...
-Baxter: ...4...
-Andrew: ...mil...
-Baxter: ...'lions.
Leshley: $18.4 million?
-Andrew: That is correct, yes.
-Leshley: Okay.
What's happening right now?
What is this?
Andrew: Uh, yeah.
If I can be frank with you,
uh, Baxter and I
have been having
some personal trouble, uh...
-Leshley: Okay.
Andrew: ...but you don't have
to worry about that,
because, professionally,
we're still doing our job
as team,
and we're gonna show you
this house.
You will not even notice.
-Baxter: Yep.
Andrew: Uh, we've -- we've
split things up.
Leshley:
I've noticed a few things.
Andrew: You have noticed,
but, on the other hand,
have you noticed?
-Leshley: Uh-huh.
-Andrew: Okay.
But has she, though?
Leshley: Are they looking
to sell quickly, or...?
Baxter: Well, uh, I was gonna
cover the wife's point of view,
and you were gonna cover
the husband's point of view.
And she is not happy
about selling the place.
She wants to stay in it,
actually, but...
Andrew: He wants to sell
very quickly.
Baxter: Okay, real talk?
We haven't made a sale
since we broke up.
But even realer talk?
We are about to make this sale.
Why don't I take your right arm
to that upstairs bedroom
so I can show you
that final room.
You still haven't seen it.
Andrew: Okay, and after
you're done with that,
I can take your titties out
to the back yard --
-Leshley: I'm sorry?
-Andrew: Uh...not --
Baxter: I thought we were
gonna split up her tits.
-Leshley: Okay.
-Andrew: No.
We talked about this.
Wait.
I won --
We flipped a coin.
Leshley:
To split up my tits?
Andrew: ...because you had
very nice, uh, jammers.
"Jammers" is what I call boobs,
and also butts,
sometimes dicks.
Leshley: I mean,
this is absolutely...
-Andrew: Uh...
-Leshley: ...disrespectful...
Andrew: I apologize.
I--
Leshley: ...and disgusting --
both of you.
I heard you guys were excellent.
Baxter: You heard right.
We are excellent.
Leshley: I'll see myself out,
thank you.
Baxter: You see
what I'm dealing with here?
Andrew blew it.
Andrew:
Way to lose a sale, Baxter.
[ Blows raspberry ]
[ Both grunting ]
♪♪♪
[ Groans ]
♪♪♪
Victoria: I am determined
to get Dean
to let me write the forward
for his book,
and I don't take "No"
for an answer.
Knowing you, this book is gonna
be full of masculinity...
Dean: Hmm.
Victoria:
...fearless aggression,
brute force.
-Dean: Absolutely.
-Victoria: Am I right?
-Dean: Yes, you are.
Victoria: I think you need
a feminine touch.
Dean: Oh!
Well, who did you have in mind?
Victoria: Me, Dean.
Dean: Uh,
you will be the person
to find the woman
who will write the --
Victoria: No, I will be
the woman to write it
to give the feminine touch.
Dean: Really?
Victoria: [ Chuckles ]
Dean, of course.
I mean, I'm the most
feminine person you know.
I'm like a...
-Dean: That's --
Victoria: I'm like
a girl's girl, you know?
Like with the gal pals.
Like, uh, girlie Fridays.
Dean: Victoria, I don't mean
this to sound insulting.
Victoria: I hope it's not.
Dean:
But you sound like a creature
from another dimension
who wants to impersonate
a human woman
and has just sloppily
gathered together some facts
that they've heard about women.
Victoria: Is he crazy?
The only thing alien about me
is my housekeeper, Swala.
Dean: How many female friends
do you have?
Victoria: [ Scoffs ]
Oh, God.
I mean, I can't even --
I can't even count.
-Dean: Well, name one.
Victoria:
Uh, there's -- there's Tina.
Dean:
What's Tina's last name?
Victoria:
And there -- Tina Linda.
Dean: Is "Linda" her
married name or her maiden name?
Victoria: Her married name.
-Dean: What's her maiden name?
-Victoria: Teresa.
Dean: And her parents --
Mr. and Mrs. Teresa...
-Victoria: Yes.
-Dean: ...were they upset
that she abandoned
the family name?
Victoria: No,
because, of course,
the mother's name
wasn't originally Teresa.
-Dean: Of course not.
-Victoria: No.
Dean: What was her name --
her maiden name?
-Victoria: Toni.
-Dean: Toni.
And what's her first name?
Victoria: Uh...
Uh, I think it's, um, Tinda?
Dean: You understand that
Tinda Toni Teresa
sounds like a legendary mongoose
who battled cobras?
Victoria: Dean, I can't help
what my friends' names are,
okay?
You just asked me if
I had girlfriends. I named one.
Dean: Name another.
Victoria: Dean, I feel like
we're getting off track.
It's not my fault
I don't have friends.
Clearly, I intimidate all women,
so what am I supposed to do?
♪♪♪
Andrew:
I think I finally realized
why our Calabasas showing
went so poorly.
Baxter: Andrew and I
never got closure,
and we need it
to sell this house.
Andrew: So we're having
a closure ceremony.
-Baxter: Attention, please.
-Andrew: Everybody look.
-Baxter: Attention.
-Andrew: Listen up!
Could everybody
get off the phone?!
-Baxter: Come here!
-Andrew: Can we have a second?
I'm sorry to raise my voice.
-Victoria: Jesus.
Andrew:
Listen, as some of you know,
uh, Baxter and I
are no longer together,
and, traditionally,
at the ending of a relationship,
you take items that
the other one has given to you,
and you return them
to said person.
Baxter: It's a sad errand.
Andrew: Now, we have estimated
that this should take no less
than three to four hours.
-Woman: What?
-Andrew: So, let's get started.
Glenn: If those two sweet angels
can't make it,
what chance do any of us have?
Andrew: I want to start
with this shaving cream.
Uh, we got this on
our first Halloween together.
Halloween is,
of course, a holiday.
It's somewhere in October...
-Amir: 31st.
-Andrew: ...31st.
When we went over
to Victoria's house,
and all over the right side
of her house,
we spent a couple hours
drawing, uh,
penises/wieners.
-Victoria: Yeah.
Andrew: Uh, a lot of you
probably are thinking
"That's stupid.
Why would you do that?"
-Chelsea: Yes.
Victoria:
We're all thinking that.
Andrew: Thank you for that.
That reminds me of a trip
we took to Cancún.
Baxter: I remember this.
Andrew:
It was for a spring break.
I can't remember
which season it's in,
but it's one of the seasons
where traditionally --
-Amir: It's spring.
-Andrew: Yeah.
Amir:
The bros are such babies.
Glenn and I used to be
best friends,
but we've moved on.
I have, anyways.
I bet he has, too.
I don't know,
'cause he won't talk to me.
Baxter: We took a cruise,
we got off in Cancún,
and we bought
this shaving cream.
Chelsea: Are they serious?
These idiots are returning
identical items to each other.
Amir: This is what's gonna
take them four goddamn hours?
Can we wrap this up, please?
Andrew: Yes. Uh, speaking of
wrapping it up...
Uh, it was Christmas.
It was three years ago. What --
-Baxter: December 24th.
-Andrew: Christmas is...
-Amir: 25th.
-Andrew: 25th.
Um, so, as a joke, we put, uh --
We put rubbers on,
and we ran around the house
just doing this weird,
like, song and dance.
Glenn:
What says "Christmas" better
than two best friends singing
silly songs...
almost nude?
[ Sobs ]
Baxter: This reminds me of a lot
of birthday parties we went to.
-Andrew: Uh-huh.
-Baxter: So, we blew up
a bunch of condoms together,
and we filled them with helium,
and may we never bring
flesh-colored balloons
to a children's birthday party
again.
Andrew: Uh, well,
we definitely won't do that,
because we will never do
anything together again.
Victoria: You know,
you may find it surprising that
when you leave this, your boxes
look exactly the same. Yeah.
Andrew: Easter.
Easter, one year ago.
Easter is in...
Both: It changes.
Andrew: One year ago, on Easter,
I asked if, instead of candy,
we could do some sort
of drug exchange,
and we came up with the idea
together to do pill roulette.
Baxter: You're gonna give those
back to me, really?
Andrew:
I'm gonna give these back.
Baxter:
You're gonna give me back...
all those Vicodins?
Well, I guess you can
have yours back, too.
Victoria: If I have
to listen to this shit,
I sure as hell
don't have to be sober.
Glenn:
Why are you guys doing this?
Don't you see?
You've each gotten each other
so many sweet gifts.
You shouldn't be
fighting like this.
-Andrew: No, Glenn --
-Baxter: Glenn --
Glenn:
Drink some water with that pill.
Don't chew it raw.
-Andrew: Don't --
-Baxter: Glenn --
Chelsea: He's right about that.
You're gonna choke.
Andrew: Glenn, we are not done!
This is what happens.
Baxter: Keep it.
Amir:
Maybe if I help them make up,
Glenn will see that
we can make up.
♪♪♪
Victoria: I'm showing a house
in Studio City
to my client, Nadine.
But I'll admit,
my mind is on Dean's forward.
Maybe if I can get Nadine
to be my female friend,
he'll have to choose me
to write it.
So, then,
through the corridor here,
we enter the entertaining space.
Woman: Oh, this is nice.
Victoria: Yeah,
I just love this.
I mean, as you can see,
eight doors that open up
to the back yard.
You've got an infinity pool,
you've got views of the ocean,
you know,
and, as well, mountain views...
-Woman: Yeah.
Victoria:
...which, I just think,
where else
can you find that in --
Hello.
-Woman #2: Hi.
Can you black these windows out?
Woman #1:
That's what I'm wondering --
the privacy.
Victoria: Together?
I can be friends with two girls.
That will impress Dean
twice as much.
You know, it's a great family
home if you wanted to start...
-Woman #1: Mm.
-Victoria: ...to start a family.
-Woman #2: We have a family.
-Woman #1: We do. We're set.
Victoria: Oh, really?
How many of you...altogether?
Woman #1:
That's yet to be determined.
-Victoria: Oh. [ Chuckles ]
-Woman #2: Yeah.
-Woman #3: Is there an attic?
-Victoria: What?
Woman #3: Is there an attic?
How hard is it to get to?
Victoria:
Am I impressive or what?
I set out to make
one girlfriend,
and now I have three.
We could have someone
come in here with sage.
You know,
kind of clear that out.
Because, honestly,
you want to --
This is a great
entertaining space.
And if -- Huh?
Woman #4: Hi.
I love the flow.
Victoria:
And then there were four!
[ Laughter ]
Tess, Missy, Aisha, and Nadine.
Four new friends make a squad --
a king squad.
I love these outfits.
[ Chuckles ]
-Woman #4: Thank you.
-Woman #1: Do you want one?
-Woman #3: You can have one.
-Woman #4: Yeah, we have lots.
-Woman #3: We'll give you one.
Victoria: Um, you know...
Woman #2: We have your size.
Victoria: [ Chuckles ]
Extra-extra small?
Woman #3: Your hair would
look nice in a ponytail.
Victoria: Thank you.
-Woman #4: You're beautiful.
-Victoria: Thank you.
I've never been around
this many women
who weren't chasing me for
what I did to their husbands.
So, it's a 30-day escrow.
Woman #4: No.
It has to be 12 days.
Woman #1: We need to be
in the house in 12 days.
Victoria: You know, 30 days
is pretty standard. I'm --
-Woman #4: No.
-Victoria: I might be able to --
Women: No.
-Victoria: How about two weeks?
-Women: No!
-Woman #3: What did we just say?
-Woman #4: Try again.
-Woman #1: Why don't you listen?
-Victoria: Well, I'm listening.
I'm just trying
to offer something...
Woman #4:
You're doing a great job.
Just try another guess,
a different number...that's 12.
-Victoria: 12?
-Woman #4: 12!
-Woman #2: 12. Great.
Woman #4: That's what
we were thinking.
Woman #1: That's what we like --
We like 12.
Victoria: I got it.
I'm the best.
I sold the house,
I got the girlfriends,
and now I'm going to write
the forward for Dean's book.
♪♪♪
Dean: And now I must attend
a very important meeting
at the home of my friend
and book editor,
Gwentolyn Swanson.
Gwentolyn: Sorry,
just let me refill.
Dr. Bermom's got me
on that wine cleanse.
-Dean: Terry? Oh!
-Gwentolyn: Mm-hmm!
Have you heard of it?
Dean: I've heard
of the wine cleanse.
You know, two years ago,
he cleared up my tennis elbow.
He injected me with trichinosis.
Gwentolyn:
I trust him with my life.
I've done all of them.
I did the paper cleanse...
-Dean: Mm-hmm.
Gwentolyn: ...the tear cleanse.
I have scratches on the inside
of my body, I'm told,
from the demon cleanse, but...
Dean: But that's on the inside.
Gwentolyn: My jeans fit,
you know what I mean? Mmm!
Dean: He's a miracle worker.
Gwentolyn: Speaking of
fitting something big
into something smaller...
-Dean: Yes!
Gwentolyn: ...I am loving
what you're doing -- brilliant.
-Dean: Thank you.
-Gwentolyn: You're welcome.
-Dean: You understand it.
-Gwentolyn: I absolutely do.
But I have to put
my big, bad editor cap on.
[ Clicks tongue ]
[ British accent ]
Hello. How ya doing?
-Dean: Hello.
-Gwentolyn: She's British.
Uh, we've got
to shorten this.
Dean: T-Take the hat off
for a second.
Gwentolyn:
[ Normal voice ] Yeah?
Dean: When you say "shorten,"
you mean --
you mean, um,
use a different size paper?
Gwentolyn: Hmm.
Uh, that's an interesting way
to interpret that.
No.
Uh, this is three chapters?
-Dean: Yes.
-Gwentolyn: Right.
We just want to get to the meat.
Dean: Ooh. Oof.
First of all --
Gwentolyn:
No, honey, stay with me.
This is -- we can do this
very easily.
I think -- I-I've got
a couple easy ones for you.
For example,
this right here is --
These are the thank-yous.
-Dean: Yes.
Gwentolyn:
That's a little too many.
This -- This is --
Dean: People will be furious
if they're left out.
Gwentolyn:
I'm not quite sure --
Dean: I'll never
hear the end of it.
Gwentolyn: Not the dead people,
and there's several.
Dean: You don't have
to meet them in the next world.
Gwentolyn: There is, what --
and I mean...
then you just did
"Battle Hymn of the Republic."
You just put the whole thing in.
Dean:
♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪
♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪
It has to remain!
And you need every
"Glory, glory, hallelujah,"
because otherwise you lose
the thread of the song.
Don't you think,
if I take anything out,
the reader will think, "I'm not
getting the full story here.
He's hiding something."
Gwentolyn: I don't think that.
Dean: Well,
put yourself in the mind
of the reader reading the book.
Gwentolyn:
I-I -- If I saw the book,
which would be, uh,
in an airplane hangar,
because that's the only place
that could house it,
I wouldn't have gone
to that weird-ass book sale,
wherever that is.
I wouldn't have gone
in the first place.
So, the reader that you're
talking about does not exist.
Dean: Well,
that's an excellent idea --
Only sell the book to people who
own private airplane hangars.
Gwentolyn: [ Sighs ]
You know I love you.
But this my job...
-Dean: I take you at your word.
Gwentolyn: ...to cut down.
Less is more.
Dean: Now, you say that,
and yet, look at
the amount of bracelets.
Physician, heal thyself.
-Gwentolyn: [ Scoffs ] Please.
Dean: Gwentolyn, thank you for
taking the time to meet with me.
I appreciate your counsel,
and I promise you
that I will pretend to take
under advisement everything
that you've said here today.
Now, I have to go
because I have a meeting
with a special team
of scientists
who are going to make me
my own ink
for the publication of the book.
Gwentolyn: I have many thoughts
about what you just said.
-Dean: Do you?
-Gwentolyn: Mm-hmm.
Dean: Why don't you
write them all down?
You'll find that writing is fun.
♪♪♪
Victoria:
I'm meeting my clients/squad
at the Studio City house
to have them sign
the closing paperwork.
Okay, so, I have
all the paperwork here.
Appraisal report's in the back.
You just need
to sign and initial
at the bottom of each page,
and we have a deal. [ Chuckles ]
Woman #4: Great.
I have one quick question.
Victoria: Absolutely, anything.
Woman #4: What if we put
another line on here,
and you signed, too?
-Victoria: [ Chuckles ]
Woman #4: Crazy, I know,
but you could live with us.
I don't know -- just --
I'm just pitch-balling.
Victoria:
Oh, I have a beautiful house.
I -- I love where I live.
But I will visit, I promise.
Woman #2:
But there's room for you.
Woman #3:
There's plenty of room.
Victoria:
Well, you bought a huge house,
so good for you, ladies.
Woman #4:
We're gonna have 50 beds.
Woman #1: And the floor.
Woman #3:
I'll be sleeping on the floor.
Woman #1:
I'll be sleeping on the floor.
Victoria: I'm getting this.
I got you.
This is, uh, you know,
like on "20/20."
Woman #3: What?
A what?
-Victoria: It's a cult.
-Woman #3: It's a what?
Excuse you?
A what?
Woman #1:
'Cause there'd be a cunt?
Victoria: No. No!
Oh, God, no. I'm so--
This is a cult.
You guys are in a cult.
Woman #3: Did you call me
a little baby horse?!
Woman #4: Oh, a cult.
We're not a cult.
Victoria: I-I'm -- I didn't mean
to offend anyone.
I'm just saying, I -- I get it.
You're in a cult.
-Woman #1: We are.
Woman #4: It's just girlfriends.
We just have a lot in common.
Woman #3:
We are four girlfriends.
Woman #1: Soon to be five.
-Victoria: Oh.
-Woman #4: We like you.
-Woman #3: We like you a lot.
-Woman #2: A lot.
Victoria: I always say anything
for a sale,
and Dean seems to think
me having girlfriends
is very important, so, yeah,
what the hell, I'm in.
So, we'll just get
your final signature here,
and we're done!
We have a house.
-Woman #4: Yay!
Victoria: Go us girls.
Go girls.
Go girls in our house.
[ Chuckles ]
-Woman #2: Girls.
-Victoria: Yeah.
Woman #3: I know.
Let's celebrate.
Victoria: Ooh!
I like a little celebrating.
-Woman #3: With Kool-Aid.
-Woman #1: Wonderful beverage.
[ All exclaiming ]
Woman #4: Yes, my favorite.
Victoria:
I will only drink enough poison
to lose some weight,
then I'm out.
♪♪♪
Amir: Glenn was very upset
by the bros' breakup.
I need to patch up
the bros' friendship
so that Glenn can see
that reconciliation is possible
for us, too.
Baxter: Come on over here, guys.
Andrew: Come on over
if you want some champagne.
Baxter: You got a problem with
drinking, head on over there.
Andrew: Or if you got a problem
with your carb control,
stay over here and have
six or seven buns, right?
Baxter: Hey, we all love
a little bit of carbs.
Andrew: If you'd like
to take a seat,
come over here.
-Baxter: That's not true.
Amir:
Cash buyers coming through.
-Andrew: Oh!
-Amir: Cash buyers coming --
Baxter: I've never been so happy
to see Amir.
Andrew is being such a dummy!
-Andrew: No, no, no, no, no, no!
-Baxter: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Those are chairs.
Those are on Andrew's side.
-Andrew: Those are mine.
-Baxter: I don't need chairs.
I just need tables.
-Amir: Put 'em over here?
Andrew: Well, they're welcome
to sit over here.
Amir: What is this tape?
Andrew: That is to separate
the open house.
This is my half of the open
house, this is Baxter's half.
He stays on his side,
I stay on my side.
Baxter: This is the Berlin Wall,
and -- and we got Russia
over here,
and we got the Nazis over here,
so why don't you guys
come over here to the good side.
Amir: Okay, you're not Nazis.
You are not Nazis.
Okay, I've had enough of this.
Guys, I came here to try
to bring you together,
because you are
way less annoying together
than you are apart.
Andrew: Oh, we are annoying?!
[ High-pitched voice ]
Are we annoying Amir?
Are we annoying?
[ Normal voice ] Shut up!
Baxter: Oh, Amir,
you just crossed the line, bro.
You're barely together.
You're falling apart.
Look at you.
[ Both snicker ]
[ Laughs ]
I got him good.
Andrew: I have to admit, that
was a home-run burn, Baxter.
I still hate you, but good one.
You fucking fatso.
Baxter: Is Amir a peanut?
Because he just got roasted.
Amir: Okay, fine,
I'll take one for the team --
as long as the team
is me and Glenn.
Andrew: Bro,
I got a million of 'em,
all classics, all fat jokes.
Look at you!
Look at you.
-Baxter: Give this up.
-Both: Oh! Oh!
Andrew:
"What happened? I'm a boy.
Why do I have these, Mommy?"
You're a fat asshole,
and you get your head so far
up your own ass
that you don't even realize
that we can handle this.
Baxter: Yeah, you got no idea.
Amir: Okay, it's starting
to hurt a little.
Also, again, totally not fat.
I wear a boy's petite.
Both: ♪ You so fat, you so fat,
you so fat ♪
[ Both vocalizing ]
-Baxter: This is good.
-Andrew: Ah!
Baxter: This is good.
-Andrew: Oww!
-Baxter: O-w-w-w!
-Andrew: Guess what? We back!
-Baxter: We back, baby.
-Andrew: We back!
-Baxter: We're back!
-Amir: All right!
-Andrew: Yeah?
-Amir: Okay.
-Baxter: This is making me --
this is making me forget
about why we even fought
in the first place,
the Diamond Dealmakers.
[ Record scratches ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
Andrew: What?
What did you say?
Baxter: This is making me forget
that I...
-Amir: No. No, I'm so fat.
-Baxter: ...screwed you over
at the Diamond Dealmakers.
Andrew:
Why would you bring that up?
Baxter: 'Cause it's why
we started fighting --
at the Diamond Dealmakers,
and I fucked you over.
Andrew: I'm done. And just when
I'm starting to forget about it.
I'm out of here.
-Baxter: N--
Andrew: I'm out.
Don't come after me.
Nobody try to grab me.
No -- Don't worry,
I'm out of here,
I'm pissed off, and I'm mad.
Don't come after me
and try to fix things.
Amir: Go get him.
♪♪♪
-Baxter: Hey.
-Andrew: Stop.
-Baxter: Hey.
-Andrew: Don't come after me.
Don't.
-Baxter: Hey.
-Andrew: Hi.
-Baxter: Hey.
-Andrew: Hey.
Don't --
-Baxter: Hey. Hey.
Enough talking. There's only one
way to save this relationship.
[ Upbeat music playing ]
Woman: ♪ Remember ♪
Amir: Where's the music
coming from?
Man: [ Rapping ]
♪ I will never let you go ♪
♪ The faces are changed ♪
♪ I'll be writing
with my hope in your gaze ♪
♪ To turning the page,
even our emotion's unfazed ♪
Baxter:
This is the first dance
Andrew and I ever
made up together.
Man: ♪ Boy, am I a man
when I'm holding your hand ♪
♪ But that's because
I ain't understand ♪
♪ The power, the glory, the way
that you're rewritin' my story ♪
♪ And despite all my faults,
I can see you enjoy ♪
♪ That's what it is, who knew
that I would turn into this? ♪
♪ My heart...♪
Amir:
They really nailed that lift.
Man: ♪ And I had to write
these words ♪
♪ 'Cause I want you
to know that ♪
Woman: ♪ Remember ♪
Baxter: I'm so sorry, Andrew!
Andrew: No, I'm sorry, Baxy.
Both: Let's never fight again.
Best friends forever.
-Baxter: Ah, ah, oh.
-Andrew: Unh, unh, unh.
Baxter: I'm close.
Andrew: Wait for me.
Whoo!
-Baxter: Whoo!
-Man: ♪ No, no, no ♪
-Woman: ♪ Remember ♪
Amir: Yes!
The bros are back together!
Which means that me and Glenn
can get back together.
Glenn: Hard pass.
♪♪♪