Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Dean's Legacy - full transcript

Narrator: Previously on

"Bajillion Dollar Properties"...

Stoffanie: The winner

is Platinum Realty.

Dean: Yes!

Madison: Tonight's Diamond

Dealmaker Award goes to

Baxter Reynolds!

Andrew: Baxter won by himself?

Baxter: I am better

off on my own.



Glenn: I gave up being partners

so that we can be together.

Chelsea: I sort of started

seeing someone.

Glenn: You set us up!

Eugene: There's been a mistake.

The real winner

is Miss Jeannie Marchand.

[ All chanting

"Jeanie, Jeanie, Jeanie!" ]

Victoria: Sit the fuck down!

Real estate is stupid!

[ Piano playing ]

Dean: I am a man



at the top of my game.

Hello.

I'm doing the talking

at you thing now.

You're welcome.

Oh, I've scaled

the highest peaks.

I've swum the darkest depths,

and now the world

waits with baited breath.

What's next for

Dean Rosedragon?

[ Hawk screeches ]

I have assembled

my Platinum minions

to reveal the answer.

Good morning, brokers.

I have a speech.

Now that I have won

the Diamond Dealmaker

and achieved

my dream of tog,

what is there left

for me to do?

I have climbed every mountain,

stood at the top of it,

looked down and said,

"You're all losers."

My imperative is to leave

behind my story

that others may learn from it,

and perhaps the world

could become a better place?

And so I'm going to write

the story of my life,

my story, told by me,

for everyone to read.

You're welcome.

Now then, the reason

I am telling you this is

because I'm going

to hold a contest

to see which of you

will write the foreword

to my autobiography.

This will be a boon

to anyone's career,

to have your name and words

so prominently placed

in my autobiography.

Amir: All right.

So how are you going to decide

who's going to write it?

Dean: Be quiet.

I will hear your pitches

in my office,

why you should be the best one

to write my foreword,

and then I will

choose the person

that I deem most qualified.

Baxter: Is the foreword

the list of chapters?

Dean: That would be

the table of contents.

-Baxter: Okay.

-Dean: Do you need a refresher

of the parts of books

before you come in

and pitch your foreword?

-Baxter: Yes.

Amir: I never remember

what an epilogue is.

Dean: Everyone, please,

this is an abuse of words.

Now then, while I am immersed

in the task

of writing my tale,

someone will need to

run things day-to-day here

to oversee everything,

and of course, Glenn

has voluntarily stepped down.

Victoria: I don't mind

being the boss, Dean.

That is fine by --

-Dean: Well, it won't be you,

so keep on not minding it.

In my stead,

and in Glenn's stead,

the person who will be

managing things here

at Platinum day-to-day

will be my pride and joy,

my legitimate son, D.J.

Son?

♪♪♪

Victoria: Two Rosedragons?

What the shit is

happening right now?!

♪♪♪

Dean: D.J. is my actual

blood-related son

from my one marriage,

ugh, to his mother, Eglin.

Victoria: But you're

divorced now?

Dean: Yes, thank god.

D.J.: Hey, I'm D.J.,

short for Dean Junior.

I've been running my papa's

Rosedragon Foundation Charity

for the last few years,

but now I'm here doing this,

and I'm stoked.

[ Laughs ]

Dean: The Rosedragon Foundation

helps many, many people,

the most important

of those people being me.

D.J.: You may not have met me,

but I feel like I know each

and every one of you already.

-Victoria: Mm.

-D.J.: I'm going to approach

managing Platinum

as I did the jungles of Laos --

study the terrain,

learn the culture.

Andrew.

-Andrew: Hi.

D.J.: You won the Coney Island

Hot Dog Eating Contest,

didn't you?

Andrew: I came in first place.

D.J.: First place, yeah.

That means you won it.

-Andrew: Holy shit.

-D.J.: You didn't know you won?

Andrew: They gave me a blue

ribbon, and I was like, "Oh."

-D.J.: That means you won, bud.

-Andrew: That's great news.

Baxter: You know,

they also give a blue ribbon

to the fattest pig

at the fair, too,

so maybe it was a mistake.

Andrew: I really want

to punch Baxter

in his stupid

double-crossing eyebrows,

but not in front of D.J.

D.J.: I'll be meeting

individually

with everybody here,

just making sure

that everybody's energy

is there and with me,

and we're going to make Platinum

just an even better company

as Papa

is writing his book.

Victoria: Oh.

Dean: Wonderfully said, son.

Chelsea: Whoo!

Victoria: So, this means

we won't have to ever

see Glenn again, correct?

D.J.: Oh, no.

Where is Glenn?

Dean: Well, Glenn's

going through

a bit of a phase right now.

♪♪♪

Amir: Since the Diamond

Dealmakers,

Glenn has become very "emo."

Yes, I'm serious.

Chelsea: His office

looks insane,

like it was decorated

by a love-sick teen vampire.

-Victoria: Awful.

-Chelsea: It's gross.

-Victoria: The worst.

-D.J.: That's my bro

from a different mo and po.

-Dean: Victoria.

Chelsea: Your bro from a what?

-D.J. Different mo and po.

-Dean: It's an expression.

Chelsea: Different parents

entirely?

-Dean: It's an expression.

-Chelsea: So as just a friend?

-Dean: Yes. They are unrelated.

-Andrew: Mo means mother.

D.J.: Or Moesha.

Amir: I'm putting on

a brave face,

but I've been in a sales slump

since the Diamond Dealmakers.

I will be fucking Chelsea

and, at the same time,

fucking you.

Since then, I've had

to downsize a bit.

A lot actually.

I'd say I've downed

all the sizes,

and now I'm living

in my Porsche.

Chelsea: Karma's a bitch.

Uber rejected him,

too many complaints.

But he started his own

knockoff ride-share service

called "Yahg-Uber".

[ Laughing ]

Amir: I'm headed to

the Pacific Palisades

to meet my new client, Stevion.

He's ready to buy,

and I'm ready to sell.

Stevion is in a rush

and only has an hour.

But he should budget

some extra time,

because after he

sees this house,

he's going to shit his pants.

This place was built

in the early 1920s,

same outside bones,

inside, completely renovated.

You're gonna fall in love

with this place.

I swear it.

You just got to see it.

I'm going to get you in here.

I'll get you out right away.

-Stevion: I've got an hour.

-Amir: That's all I need.

-Stevion: Let's go.

Amir: Let me just find the right

key, and we will be good to go.

Stevion: Those are the keys?

Amir: Most of these

are gym keys.

I belong to a lot of gyms.

You work out?

-Stevion: What? No.

-Amir: Yeah, sure.

It's a lot of unmarked keys

to go through.

But my luck's got

to change sometime.

Stevion, what kind

of name is that?

-Stevion: It's from New Zealand.

-Amir: Oh, yeah?

Is that where

the accent is from?

-Stevion: Well, my whole body.

-Amir: Oh.

-Stevion: Yeah.

-Amir: Yeah.

Stevion: You're gonna

go through each key?

Amir: Uh, yeah, we're almost --

we're almost there.

Uh...

Which, uh --

Stevion: The keys

are falling off there.

Amir: No, that's okay.

That's okay.

You guys actually eat kiwis

a lot or is that just a rumor?

Stevion: Kiwi fruit,

not the bird.

It's a bird.

-Amir: Oh, is there a bird?

Stevion: Yeah. That's what

we named after.

Amir: No way. Tell me --

tell me about that.

Stevion: Well,

it's flightless.

You've just reminded me,

I've got a flight to catch.

So...

No, that's not it.

Try another one.

-Amir: Okay.

Stevion: That one didn't work.

I can tell that

one's not gonna work.

Keep trying, you're doing well.

Amir: Thank you.

Stevion: And you've got

45 minutes now.

Amir: Hey, I know

how minutes work. Okay?

Stevion: Yeah.

They diminish.

Amir: Yeah. Yeah.

But, um...

Stevion: Like your chances

of selling me this house,

because I've got to fly.

-Amir: I know.

Stevion: I've got

to go very shortly.

Amir: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

None of these keys are working.

I got to call the owner.

-Stevion: Come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on.

Amir: Hello?

Hello, Tanye.

Do you have

a spare key anywhere?

Okay.

Okay.

Yes. Uh...

Okay.

Great. Thanks.

Bye.

Um, one of the rocks.

One of the rocks.

Stevion: Okay, great.

Oh, they're always

under the rock, classic.

Nope. Nope.

Nope.

-Amir: Okay.

-Stevion: Nope.

Why would you put a key under

there? It's stupid.

Fake rock.

All right.

Amir: Oh, it's on.

Sales slump?

You're out of here!

Stevion, welcome

to your new home.

Stevion: Ah,

it's another door.

Sorry, I'm out of here.

-Amir: No, no, no, no!

Wait, wait. Stevion, please,

this key might work.

Stevion: Okay, look,

I really want this place.

If I can put one foot

through that doorway,

I guarantee I will buy it. Okay?

-Amir: Okay.

Stevion: Come on!

What's happened?

Amir: It's blocked

by furniture.

Stevion: That's it.

No. I'm out of here.

Amir: No! No!

Stevion.

Stevion: You think I've got time

for this shit, mate?

I told you.

I've got to fly.

Amir: You're flying the plane?

I thought kiwis don't fly.

-Stevion: Oh!

You think I haven't heard

that joke before, you dickhead!

Amir: I get it.

You're a fucking pilot.

Stevion: A successful pilot!

Amir: It's not the '80s anymore.

You guys aren't cool.

You're like a bus driver

in the sky.

Stevion: Oh, really? You don't

know what I'm flying.

You don't know

the type of plane.

Amir: What are you flying?

Stevion: A Concord,

motherfucker.

Amir: They don't fly

Concords anymore.

Stevion: They're back, bitch.

Mm.

Amir: Fuck!

Ah!

Aah!

[ Sobbing ]

I lost the sale.

Hey, Tanye.

Did you know there was

a hole in that second door?

In the window, yeah.

Victoria: Yeah.

I was humiliated

at the Diamond Dealmakers.

But that's in the past,

and I've made peace with it.

[ Alarm blaring ]

I hate you, Jeannie!

This is my year!

D.J. may have called me

into his office,

but I'm about to make him

putty in my hands.

D.J.: I just want to meet

everybody, just so...

You know, it's part --

-Victoria: Well, here I am.

Can I just tell you

that I love your desk?

-D.J.: Oh!

-Victoria: I love all this.

Oops.

My God, I just--

I dropped all those pens.

-D.J.: I know.

Victoria: What am I going

to do with all these?

What am I going to do

with all these pens?

-D.J.: Um, you're going to --

-Victoria: All these pens.

D.J.: You're going

to put them back.

Victoria: Here's one pen.

Can you grab it?

-D.J.: You can have it.

-Victoria: Can you get this pen?

-D.J.: You can have it.

-Victoria: Don't you want it?

Take it with your mouth.

-D.J.: Take it with -- No.

Victoria: Take it

with your mouth.

D.J.: Victoria,

you don't have to do this.

Victoria: Okay. Oh, great.

Like father, like son.

D.J.: Why are you doing this?

Victoria: Why am I --

Why am I doing what?

D.J.: This whole thing, why --

why are you doing this?

Victoria: Years of positive,

you know, male reinforcement.

What?

-D.J.: I want the real Victoria,

the smart, strong, fierce woman

that is behind all of this.

-Victoria: Oh.

D.J., let me

stop you right there.

-D.J.: Okay.

-Victoria: This is all real.

-D.J.: No.

-Victoria: Okay?

I was born with this,

and, believe me,

sometimes it comes to bite me

in the ass.

D.J.: Right.

Victoria: But I have used it

the way God wanted me to use it.

D.J.: Right.

But then --

Victoria: And I get

that every part of me,

from head to toe, is perfection.

But at least I'm not

letting it go to waste.

I show it when I can.

I give it to those

who deserve it,

and I make sure

that people realize

what a burden

it is to look like this.

Well, I did it.

I sexually hypnotized D.J.,

and now I can get him

to do my bidding.

D.J.: Ugh! I'm glad

we worked that out.

I mean, there's always

one in every office.

-Baxter: Hey, hey, hey.

-D.J.: Oh, hi.

So I'm meeting with everybody,

just to, uh --

What are you...

Baxter: Oh!

What's up?

D.J.: Wow. Platinum is such

a sex-positive office.

Next up, I'm meeting

Glenn in his office.

It's been 10 years,

but Glenn seems like

one of those guys

who never changes.

[ Heavy metal music playing ]

Hey, Glenn?

Uh, mind if I have a seat?

Glenn: I don't know.

Do you mind if you have a seat?

Welcome to the new me.

D.J.: This is great.

I love the vibe in here.

Glenn: Yeah.

Thank you for recognizing that.

I really appreciate it.

-D.J.: I always recognize you.

Glenn: Would have been

nice to be recognized

maybe a little bit more

consistently over the last,

I don't know, 15, 17 years.

D.J.: I know.

It would have been great, right?

Dean: I'm most proud of how

I've been able

to keep my legitimate

and illegitimate sons apart

all these years.

Glenn: I was texting you

and saying,

"Hey, I'm gonna be home

for Christmas,"

and then you'd be like,

"No, Papa's sending me

away to Seattle."

D.J.: Yeah.

Papa loved sending me

away over the holidays.

I don't know what it was.

He said, for that Seattle one,

for Christmas,

he wanted to give me rain?

Dean: But I have

brought them together now

because I thought it would make

an interesting chapter

in my book.

D.J.: Whoa.

You look like a fancy hawk.

Glenn: Thanks.

D.J.: I hope that

we can work together,

and I'm not trying

to fill your shoes.

In fact, I got boots on.

Glenn: I'm not one

to throw stones

while living in a glass house,

but those boots

are a bad look.

D.J.: You're not the first

person to say that, but I'm --

Glenn: If you continue

to wear them...

-D.J.: Yes?

-Glenn:...I want you to know

that at least

one person in every room

that you're in is going to think

they're ridiculous.

D.J.: Okay. But can I tell you

something about life?

Glenn: Enlighten me.

D.J.: It's ridiculous.

Glenn: Oh.

You think I don't know?

Do you want to hear

some of my poetry?

D.J.: Sure.

Glenn: Here's a good one.

[ Clears throat ]

"So what is the point

of living today?

You just have to do

what other people say.

Life is the Matrix.

Goddess, how I hate this.

I wish it would

all just wash away."

D.J.: Whoa.

I haven't reached him yet,

but he sees that

I'm throwing him the rope,

the rope of friendship.

Baxter: Andrew's still got

his thong in a bunch

about the Diamond Dealmakers.

-Andrew: Ah!

-Baxter: Ah!

Both: Aah!

Victoria: No. I'm walking

through a Planet Hollywood.

Andrew: Baxter broke

the bro code so hard.

I can't even say it.

He didn't give me

a shout-out!

Bros always give

each other a shout-out!

Baxter: I'm going, by myself,

to meet a client

at a listing in Venice Beach.

My client's name

is Morningstar,

and she's a celebrity doula,

which is a thing

you can be now.

Doula is a fancy name

for birth coach.

Tons of natural light,

as you can see.

Morningstar: Tons. It makes me

laugh because, as a doula,

I'm so connected

to the elements.

And the sun makes me laugh.

Try this.

This is actually a smoothie.

These are expensive,

so I'm giving you a sip

of that for free.

-Baxter: Oh.

Morningstar: Take it,

take it, take it, take it.

If you have any

immunity problems,

if your vision's blurry,

if you're having trouble

sleeping, if you can't really

open up to the people

closest to you, a smoothie

like this will really help.

And make sure you get

to the bottom

because all the nutrients

tend to go to the bottom.

I mean, that's as fresh

as placenta gets.

Again, this an hour

and a half ago, max.

-Baxter: Huh?

-Morningstar: It's placenta.

Baxter: A baby sac?

One second.

Morningstar: And I like

the acoustics in here. Ah!

-Baxter: Yeah. It's very --

-Morningstar: Ah!

Yeah.

I'm really sensitive to that

because people are screaming.

-Baxter: Oh, yeah.

Morningstar: The baby's born

into that,

and they go,

"Oh, God, the chaos.

Oh, God." You know?

-Baxter: Right.

Well, this is a recent addition,

this wing of the house.

So it's very solid.

-Morningstar: Well, I can tell

that no one has ever

given birth here.

Baxter: I'll do anything

for a sale,

which is why I told Morningstar

we could act out

a simulated birth.

Morningstar:

Plant your arms firmly

as though you're from the Earth,

which you are.

Now what you're going

to do is keep doing

some of those low moans.

Oh, God!

It's happening now, Josh!

Baxter: [ High-pitched ] Oh,

God, it's happening now, Josh!

Morningstar: We don't have time

to get the car, Josh.

The baby needs to be born here.

Okay.

Listen to me, we're going

to do this now, okay?

Baxter: Okay.

Never mind, Josh.

Morningstar: Josh, we need you.

But we don't really need you

because you're not helpful

in this situation

because men to tend

to tense up around fear!

Baxter: Stay close

but emotionally far away!

Morningstar: As you

already have been!

Baxter: This is going well.

Morningstar: Let this act

a metaphor for the blood.

Baxter: Does this much

blood happen in birth?

Morningstar: It's just

pouring out. Often it will.

Now what's going

to happen -- Look at me.

We're going to have this baby.

-Baxter: All right.

Morningstar: Now what I need you

to do is really take

a deep breath

and do kind of a battle cry,

like a...

[Ululating]

Baxter: [ Ululating ]

Morningstar: Okay. Good.

Oh, no!

-Baxter: Oh!

-Morningstar: Oh, no!

Morningstar: Oh, no.

I can't breathe!

-Baxter: Oh!

-Morningstar: Oh, no!

-Baxter: What?

-Morningstar: I can't breathe!

Oh, no.

I need you to push harder!

Baxter: Push harder?

[ Ululating ]

Morningstar: [ Crying ]

Hold me. I'm your baby.

-Baxter: Oh.

-Morningstar: [ Crying ]

Baxter: Oh, no!

It's okay!

My baby. My baby.

Morningstar: Ma-- Mama?

Tell me your mother's name.

-Baxter: Maureen.

Morningstar: Maureen.

You're Maureen.

Baxter: Yeah.

Morningstar:

I'm a baby. Oh, no.

Baxter: Baxter!

Oh, Baxter!

-Morningstar: You don't love me!

-Baxter: No, I do!

Morningstar: You pushed too hard

but not hard enough.

-Baxter: No. No, I -- I --

-Morningstar: I love you, Mom.

Baxter: I love --

I love you, Baxter.

Morningstar: Little kiss

right here?

Baxter: I love you.

I think I can stop therapy now.

Morningstar: Oh, no!

Baxter:

No, Baxter, I got you milk!

I got your milk!

I got your milk!

Morningstar: I want you

to drink it because you my --

you need nutrients.

-Baxter: No, it's your milk.

Okay.

Morningstar: No,

I want you to drink it now!

Baxter: I blew the sale,

and then I blew chunks

of placenta everywhere.

It was not good.

♪♪♪

D.J.: Ah.

-Andrew: Hey, man.

-D.J.: Andrew.

-Andrew: Hi.

-D.J.: I just finished --

Andrew: That's my name.

Don't wear it out.

D.J.: Wow.

Last meeting of the day

and it's with Andrew.

And he's a mystery to me.

Yeah.

I just love your energy

around the office, your vibes.

It's just, like, I wanted

to talk to you one-on-one

because you're a real enigma

here, you know?

Andrew: Oh, great.

I'm sorry, man.

We don't use a lot of racial

terms around the office.

You may be one, but...

-D.J.: An enigma?

Andrew: ...I'm not comfortable

even hearing that.

D.J.: I'm not an enigma,

you are.

Andrew: Whatever you say,

my enigma.

I've been to HR more times

than I've been to the bathroom.

D.J.: Man, what

are you thinking?

What's going on right now?

-Andrew: Right now?

-D.J.: Yeah.

-Andrew: Uh, hungry.

-D.J.: You're thinking hungry?

Andrew: Wait, no.

Hungry.

-D.J.: Hungry.

You're hungry for

the next step,

where else you're going

to be in this company.

And you know what?

I'm going to help you find that.

Andrew: No, food,

where I'll get my next food.

D.J.: Yeah.

Yeah.

How are you gonna

sell that next house?

Andrew: Hot dog.

Hot dog. Hot --

Hamburger.

Hamburger with j--

Oh, I'm going back to hot dog.

Oh, Korean barbecue.

[ Chuckles ]

D.J.: I have no idea

what's going on in that brain,

but everything that's

going on is amazing.

You have to know that.

You must be playing

a trick on all of us.

You must go home

every day and go,

"I fooled everybody

at work again."

Andrew: I don't do that.

I do go home.

I've DVR'd every episode

of "Judge Judy."

And I'll turn it way down,

and then I talk for her.

It gives me a feeling

of power in my life

because then, like,

I can make up the case.

And so I can be like,

"This guy came in,

and he stole all my brushes."

And then we'll cut to the girl,

and I'll be like, "No, I didn't.

No way did I do that. No, sir."

Depending on how long it

stays on her, it's a ton of nos.

And then eventually, at the end,

Judge Judy will be like,

"Give me my paperwork, rah rah,

and you pay him $500

for all those brushes."

D.J.: I never put myself

in the position of everyman,

and you play every part

just to see

what the voice is for everybody.

Andrew: When did you get

a window put in here

and are we moving?

D.J.: Great people

are like rainbow.

I think Platinum is a place

I can hang my scarf

for a while and call home.

♪♪♪

Dean: I'm meeting

with Glenn to find out

what exactly

is going on with him.

Time for a Glenn-tervention.

[ Heavy metal music playing ]

I could do this all day, Glenn.

Glenn: And I could

do this all night

because I love the darkness.

Dean: That's what we're looking

at here, is the darkness?

Glenn: Yes.

My inner self

coming out in my interior

decorating choices.

-Dean: Target?

-Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Target has a new home

furnishings line by Kat Von D.

Dean: What's that?

Glenn: Are you

talking about this?

Dean: Yes.

It looks like it's a rhinoceros,

and he's crying so much

there's a puddle beneath him

of rhino tears.

Glenn: Very perceptive, Dean.

Dean: And he seems to have some

sort of leathern bat wings.

Glenn: Mm-hmm. So he can escape

and fly away and be alone.

Dean: Where you think

you are right now,

that is not darkness.

Glenn: Easy for you to say.

I took poison earlier.

They were mints.

-Dean: In a box marked poison?

-Glenn: It's a novelty thing.

I saw it at the checkout counter

when I got this wristband.

Dean: I thought that

was part of the hoodie.

Well, this ends now.

Glenn, I know darkness.

You fell in love.

That love did not last.

Your best friend did

something you did not like.

This is life, Glenn.

Let me tell you

about true darkness.

1975, I found my hands around

the neck of a man

I considered my brother,

squeezing, squeezing,

watching the light

go out of his eyes.

But that wasn't

the scariest thing, Glenn.

The scariest thing

was seeing my own reflection

in his dying eyes,

because beyond

the messianic ecstasy

I could see on my face,

I could also see the empty void

that lurked beneath.

That's darkness, Glenn.

And that's why I'll never go

to another Black Friday sale.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Good.

So there's worse things.

Glenn: Okay.

Um, I'll, uh, take a shower,

and I think

I'll wash all this off.

Dean: Sounds good.

Glenn: Thank you for

your frightening story.

Dean: You're welcome.

Anytime, I'm full of them.

Glenn: [ Chuckles nervously ]

Dean: Rosedragon,

you've done it again.

All the pieces are in place.

You've pit your staff

against one another

for a few pages in your book.

Your beloved son has been

installed as overseer.

Glenn has been returned

to his natural neutered state.

And now to set pen to paper

and tell the story of my life.

A new day dawns

over Los Angeles.

My friend, Orenthal,

was in a bit of a pickle.