Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Baxter's Confession - full transcript

Baxter: Reggie Patterson.
I thought I killed you.

I'm gonna kill you, Reggie.

Andrew: What? Huh?

Baxter:
I'm gonna kill you.

Kill you right now.
You're dead.

Cut you up.

I know how to make
a body disappear.

Cut you up.

I'll kill your family, too.

Make sure you're dead this time.

Andrew: Oh, my God!
Baxter murdered someone!



No! No!

He couldn't --
he couldn't have, right?

There he is.
There he is.

Baxter: Drew, what's up?!

-Andrew: Baxi Pads.
-Baxter: What's up, man?

Andrew: What's going on?

Yeah, I'm a little freaked out
by Baxter's sleep talk,

but I don't think
he did anything.

But, you know,
it wouldn't hurt

to launch a subtle investigation

into whether he murdered
somebody -- NBD -- no big deal.

I had a crazy-ass
dream last night.

I was gonna tell you about it.
-Baxter: Nice.

Andrew: I was trying
to think if it related



to, like, real life or not.

I was like John Stamos'
personal assistant,

but stylist sort of.

-Baxter: Okay.
-Andrew: And he ended up

not liking an outfit
I put him in.

-Baxter: Oh, okay.
-Andrew: And he fired me.

And at the end of it all,

I walk out into the street,

and I realize it was
just an episode

of the new "Full House,"

"Fuller House."
I don't know.

Baxter: You're doing
pretty well around here,

so I think you're fine.

Andrew: Yeah.
What did you dream about?

Baxter: I had
a pretty vivid dream

of a confrontation...
with a friend of mine.

-Andrew: Who?
-Baxter: Yeah.

Baxter: Reggie Patterson.

He stole a listing of mine.

Andrew: See?!

It was just a harmless dream
about a guy he's mad at.

But he was out late.

He was out very late.

I kept trying
to call you last night.

I noticed you wouldn't --
you wouldn't pick up

and then the provider was doing
that thing where it's like...

"The person
you are trying to reach

is outside"--
Baxter: Out of cell --

Andrew: "...of
the cell service area."

Baxter: Good, good.
I'm glad it did that.

Andrew: I was like,
"Where the hell is Bax?"

-Baxter: I'm glad it did that.
-Andrew: Where were you?

Baxter:
I took my phone up to --

I was just tired
of answering e-mail,

so I dropped it
100 miles north at a --

it's called a black site.
-Andrew: Black site?

Andrew: There's no way
to track you there.

I just had to get off the grid.

I've been on my phone
so much lately.

So, yeah.
-Andrew: That's crazy.

Baxter:
And then I went to Reggie's,

and...we talked it out

and settled it.
-Andrew: And you said --

Baxter: You don't have
to worry about him

any more stealing our listings.

Andrew: Okay.

No, no, no!

No, I don't believe it.

No.

What's that?

Baxter: Hmm?

-Andrew: Is that red paint?
-Baxter: Oh, no, it's blood.

It's my blood, yeah.

-Andrew: Oh.
-Baxter: Don't worry about it.

Typical...
-Andrew: Do I look worried?

-Baxter: Yeah, no.
-Andrew: No, no, no. All right.

Baxter: Yeah, I just
had a little nose bleed.

Andrew: Sushi for lunch?

Baxter:
Sushi for lunch, yeah.

-Andrew: Sushi's good.
-Baxter: All right.

Andrew:
Catch you later, man.

Baxter: Later.

Victoria: I'm showing a house
in Malibu today

to guerilla indie filmmaker
Derek Young.

He said he's open to anything

as long as it has
good natural light.

This is one

of the finest properties
on the market right now.

Five bedrooms, five bath,
his and her closets --

or his and his
if you wear the pants

in the family.

You can see
the view is exquisite.

Derek:
This is total mid-'70s

Altmanesque kind
of a Yasujiro Ozu touch.

Victoria: Well, hey, there!

Don't you steal my job.
-Derek: Okay.

Do you mind if I take a couple
of quick films?

I just --
I have a visual kind of memory,

and it really helps me to --
-Victoria: I get it.

Derek: You have no problem
with that?

Victoria: Please!
Get the whole --

get the whole
panoramic view in there.

It's...

Derek: Yeah, oh,
you are not kidding.

-Victoria: Right?
-Derek: Panoramic.

Victoria: Totally normal --
I get this a lot.

Clients want
to shoot the property

so they can look at it later
when they're making a decision.

Derek: And that's all
I need right now.

Guys, come on in.
I --

I want to shoot the best thing
I can for -- to make it look.

You're the best Realtor,
you show me the best house.

I gotta make the best decision,
right, so...

Victoria: Okay.

Derek: So I kind of have all
these people here, so...

But don't mind them,
this is how I -- I buy things.

-Victoria: Oh.
-Derek: So that's okay? Okay.

We'll go from
what we did yesterday

with the car scene.
Nothing was resolved.

Now you're all bottled up,
you're -- you know,

you gotta give it to him.
Okay?

Victoria: Well, this is a first.

Derek: That's right.
Don't deny it.

-Victoria: Der--
-Derek: Don't deny

that you instigated all of this.
Yes?

Victoria: I just wanted to let
you know that the art does come

with the house.
-Derek: And it is amazing,

and we're gonna get that
in the shot.

You know what?
You know how you can help

me make my decision?
-Victoria: Oh, yeah.

Derek: Could you give her one
of those flats?

There we go. I need you
to reflect over there.

-Victoria: I wasn't --
-Derek: Gotta hold that down

and angle it up towards...

towards Cindy, okay?
-Victoria: Okay.

Derek: Let's do it
from the beginning

and go all the way,
straight to the end, okay?

-Cindy: Okay.
-Derek: And we're --

and we're helping
by being quiet.

Okay!
-Steven: Thank you, Derek.

All right.
-Derek: Okay.

And, no,
you gotta hold that low.

But out of the shot.

A little lower.
Here we go.

And action.

Steven: Look, I wanted to borrow
a little bit of money

from your father, okay?

Cindy: How dare you put me
in that position again.

You know that my father
and I have money issues.

Steven: Look, you are looking
at this backwards.

You're looking at me
as if I'm the bad guy.

How do you think that feels?

Cindy: Okay, okay,
all I'm getting from you

right now is victimization.

Steven: Well,
that's how victims talk.

-Victoria: Oh.
-Derek: Cut.

Perfect.

Victoria: Really get the feeling
of the house.

Derek: We got there.
Took us a little while.

I am at 99%.
-Victoria: Yeah?

Derek: Yes,
and that was really helpful.

Victoria: I knew
you would like this place.

Derek: Um...you know
what would get me to 100%?

Victoria:
Tell me, you got it.

Derek: Do you have an interior
kitchen day...

a continuation of this?

Victoria: Derek,
I have a kitchen.

And it has a warming drawer
that I think you're gonna love.

Derek: Warming drawer!
Guys,

right away, we're gonna shoot
the kitchen scene. Here we go.

Victoria:
Brand-new oven, kitchen...

Glenn: I'm really
enjoying my new role

as a broker and partner
at Platinum.

I have a commanding presence

that the staff
takes very seriously.

Todd: There is an 11:10 A.M.
departing out of Atlanta.

And that's gonna
get you to DFW --

Dallas/Fort Worth --
your destination by...

3:20 local time.

Well, no, I'm sorry, ma'am.

That's the latest flight
I can get you.

You will have to travel
with your luggage.

Uh, yeah.

Let me...
let me do some searching and --

Glenn:
Sorry, Todd, are you...

Todd: And, uh...
Okay, well, we do have --

we have two windows open.

Glenn: Todd, I'm trying
to figure out what's going on.

Todd: And, uh...

Okay, no,
I do understand that, ma'am.

And we are searching
for that flight.

There was some weather
problems out of Buffalo.

Glenn: Sorry, Todd. Todd --

Todd: I'm not sure
how that affected you.

-Glenn: Okay, Todd.
-Todd: Yeah, ma'am,

I'm gonna put you
on hold for one second.

Glenn: Okay, great, yeah.

Are you working
a completely different job

right now?
What is happening?

Todd: Yeah, I work customer
service for Delta Airlines.

Do you have a problem with that?

Glenn: Um...

-Todd: I'm moonlighting.
-Glenn: Okay.

-Todd: I'm doing my job.
-Glenn: Okay.

Todd: Are you doing your job
right now?

Glenn: I am doing my job.

Okay, I'm trying
to bring, um...

Okay, uh...

Todd:
Ma'am, this is Todd again.

-Glenn: Whoa.
-Todd: No,

I am a real person, ma'am,
I'm not out of Mumbai.

Glenn: I am shocked
that I caught Todd

the weird janitor working
another job on Platinum's dime.

And he's doing it in front
of a partner!

I need you to --
-Todd: Sir, your luggage --

no, I'm looking
for your luggage now,

and apparently you landed
at ORD.

-Glenn: It doesn't matter.
-Todd: Chicago's O'Hare Airport.

-Glenn: It does not matter.
-Todd: And your luggage,

for some reason, is at YYZ --
-Glenn: Todd?

Todd: Which is Toronto
International Airport.

Glenn: Todd, why,
why are you doing this?

-Todd: Also a great Rush song.
-Glenn: Shut him down.

You need to shut him down.

Todd: Okay, sir, yeah,

I understand that, sir,
and it's --

-Glenn: Todd?
-Todd: It's very difficult.

It's very difficult

to find luggage
that's in another country.

Glenn: It's very difficult
to get work done --

Todd: Delta is looking
for your luggage right now, sir.

And Delta is gonna track
down your luggage

and get it to you
wherever you might be.

Glenn: At all times
by all employees of a company

such as Platinum Realty.

Todd, I'm asking you to stop
this phone call right now.

Todd: They will find
your luggage for you, sir!

Thank you for calling Delta.

Glenn: They will be helped
by another representative.

Is the call done?

Todd: Thank you for calling
Delta. This is Todd.

Glenn:
Do not take another call.

Todd: This is Todd
in customer service.

-Glenn: Todd!
-Todd: How may I help you?

Glenn: Stranded travelers
can wait,

unlike Baxter with
his non-flushable baby wipes.

Unclog the toilets, Todd!

Chelsea: Glenn's win has oddly
bonded the rest of us together.

Amir and I
have been getting lunches

to talk
Diamond Dealmaker strategy.

Um, sorry, I just --
this said "seared,"

and it really feels like
it's kind of cooked through.

Waitress:
I'm so sorry about that.

Chelsea: That's okay.
If I could just...

-Waitress: Yeah, uh...
-Chelsea: Could they redo it?

Waitress:
...make you a new one.

-Chelsea: Thank you.
-Amir: I also actually --

I haven't really
cut into my lamb,

but I can tell just
by looking at it

that it's a little too rare.
-Chelsea: Yeah.

Amir: Also, the sweet potato
mash here, I mean,

it's definitely
been mashed too much.

It's probably overcooked,

'cause it's like -- I mean,

I'm not in a nursing home,
you know what I mean?

-Waitress: I'll send it back.
-Amir: And then I tried this,

it was very, very sweet,
like, cloying.

Waitress: I'll have them make
you an entirely new plate.

Amir: It was,
like, cloyingly sweet.

Chelsea: You know,
that made me realize

that I thought
that was sweet potato,

but that's like a carrot ribbon,

and I just feel like just
garnishing with carrots

is like --
it's like 1997, right?

Waitress:
Would you prefer a side salad?

We could do mixed greens.

Chelsea: I think just something
that feels more,

like, of this decade,
because it feels very --

Amir: Something
that doesn't make us feel

like we just saw "Better
Off Dead" in the theaters.

Also, this is a fake flower.

I know I look Middle Eastern,
but I'm not a Syrian refugee.

-Waitress: Okay.
-Amir: So...

Waitress: Would you like me
to take the flower away?

-Amir: Yeah.
-Chelsea: I never ever do this,

but I just feel
like the whole restaurant,

it's beautiful,
everything's great.

All of the food is disgusting
and your attitude is --

Waitress:
Okay, I never do this,

but I never do this, but --
-Amir: There's Asians -- oh!

Waitress:
But I'm doing it today.

Sorry, what were you gonna
say about Asians?

Did I interrupt?
You know what?

Why don't you say
what you were gonna say

about Asians right now.

Oh, whoops.
I'm sorry.

I stepped
on your fucking salmon...

Chelsea: Oh, my God.

Waitress: ...that is seared
and not cooked through.

So why don't you eat it
and put on some fucking weight?!

Pieces of shit!

You eat that.

Chelsea: Oh, my God,
she called me skinny.

Thank you!

Victoria: I'm touring a house
with my client, Derek,

who insists on shooting
the house with his actors.

I'm done buying that
this is for his private use.

Steven: If you didn't want me
to go on her house boat,

why did you let me DJ
her birthday party?!

Why did you let me go there?!

Cindy: You are not putting
this back on me!

You should have kept your dick
outside of her!

Steven: You know what?
I tried.

And then you drove my dick
right back into her!

You drove it in again
and again and again and again!

Cindy: How many times?!

Steven: You want to know
how many times?

-Cindy: How many times?
-Steven: Well, I'll tell ya.

It's less than 100,
more than 10!

Cindy: Oh, my God!
You animal!

Derek: Cut. Perfect!

Oh, God, that's perfect!

-Victoria: Hey, Derek, can we --
-Derek: Wow.

Victoria:
With all due respect,

it kind of feels like you're
shooting a movie here.

Derek: It -- no, yeah,
a little more powder on her.

No, this is --
I need this for --

Victoria: This is what I'm
talking about, the touch-ups...

Derek: I want to make the best
decision I can about the house,

so we're gonna do
a couple more takes,

then do some exteriors and...

Victoria: How stupid
does he think I am?!

Oh, I'll just tell her

I'm gonna shoot some scenes
so I can see the house,

but really I'm gonna shoot
my whole movie here.

Is that what you thought,
you little indie fuck?!

Well, listen up, okay?
Nobody fools me!

I'm the top Realtor
in Los Angeles, okay?

So you don't come in here
and push me around!

What are you doing?
-Derek: I -- sorry, Victoria,

have you ever --
have you ever --

Victoria: What?

Derek:
Have you ever acted before?

Victoria:
Of course, I've acted.

I was understudy
to the player queen in "Hamlet"

in high school.
-Derek: Okay.

Can -- I mean, she's --
-Victoria: What?

Derek:
You have got to be the girl

that she has the affair with,

and we never reveal your name.
Would you be --

Victoria:
You want me to be in your movie?

Derek: Yes, I want you
to save this movie! Would you?

Victoria: I knew
it wouldn't be long

before the stage called me back.

God, just
when you think you're out,

it pulls you back in.

Derek: Would you be okay with,
like, some tasteful nudity?

Victoria: Yeah.
I'm okay with everything.

Derek: Yeah?
Side boob, fleeting bush,

half butt.
That's all it is.

-Victoria: Got it.
-Derek: Okay, good.

Exterior porch, let's do it,
guys. Come on.

Victoria: Now, I want to talk
about the script.

Are we allowed to go off,
or do we need the lines exactly?

Andrew: I've been thinking
about it a lot.

I know my friend Baxter,

and there is no way
he hurt Reggie.

Baxter: Oh.

Andrew: That's as fast
as you can go?

Baxter: I'm trying.

Andrew: [ Laughs ]
That chair!

Anyhoots, I'm off
to meet a client in Brentwood.

Oh, my God!
Reggie Patterson is in that rug.

Baxter:
Andrew! Hey.

-Andrew: Hey, man.
-Baxter: Oh, hey.

Andrew: What's up?

Baxter: Sorry, I...
I didn't know you were gonna be

coming out of the elevator
this way in the parking garage,

'cause nobody parks
on this side.

I thought everybody was gone.

Andrew: Um, yeah.

Baxter: You want to help
me load this rug up?

I'm trying to stage a house
with a nice Oriental rug,

and I can't get it
in the back of the car.

Do you want to help?

Andrew: He is my best friend,
and I have sworn to help him.

This means something.

I know what's going on here.

I'm not stupid.
I get it.

Baxter:
You know what's happening?

Andrew: I know
exactly what's happening.

But I'm gonna help you.
-Baxter: But it's for you.

Andrew: I don't want to even
try to understand

what that means because I never
asked this of you.

I've joked around
about it before.

Baxter: Great.
Help me get him in there.

He's super heavy.
-Andrew: He? He?

Baxter: Yes, the rug.

Andrew: You can't say things
like that.

You have to be more careful.
-Baxter: It's a male rug.

Andrew: No, there's no such
thing as a male rug.

Baxter: Yes, of course there is.
This is a nice

burgundy dark rug.
-Andrew: No.

Baxter:
This is a male rug.

-Andrew: Jesus Christ.
-Baxter: Help me get it.

Andrew: I can't believe
this is happening to us.

-Baxter: Put the head up near --
-Andrew: You can't say head.

Baxter:
The rug has a head.

There we go.

Okay.

Andrew: Hey, get --
hey, no, no, no!

No, Baxter!

No, no!

-Baxter: We're going!
-Andrew: No!

Somebody! Somebody help me!
Somebody!

Glenn: I hate
to be a tattletale,

but this janitor really
chaps my ass.

Todd: Leave me the fuck
alone, weirdo!

No, ma'am,
I'm not talking to you.

I'm sorry
you heard that language.

No, there's just a little man
bothering me right now.

A little pestering man.
-Glenn: Okay.

And I have no choice
but to run and tell Dean.

Mara: Ooh.
Unfortunately,

Mr. Rosedragon
is not in right now.

Glenn: Okay, Dean
is sitting right there.

Mara: So sorry, he just
stepped out for just a second.

Pardon me for just one moment.

You know, I think
he just stepped out for lunch.

Dang it, you just missed him.

Glenn: Okay,
I'll play your game.

When is...

the first available appointment
with Dean?

Mara: Let me just
check real quick.

Dean: Do you know what we need
is a pinball machine.

Do you know what I mean?
-Mara: Absolutely!

Dean: For, like, days
like this where it's so boring.

If we just had a pinball
machine in the office,

like a real, old-fashioned
one, you know?

Mara:
That is an excellent idea.

Dean:
Will you make a note of it?

-Mara: I will!
-Dean: So I won't forget.

Mara: Absolutely.

Dean:
Thank you very much, Mara.

Glenn: Dean, if I could.
Dean, if I c--

Mara: I guess
he took a small vacation,

and, um, I think --

I think if I got
the planes right,

he should be back
tomorrow some time.

Glenn: No. No.

He's there.

He didn't step out.

-Dean: Mara?
-Mara: Yes, sir?

Dean: What's my favorite
national anthem again?

Mara: The Canadian
national anthem, sir.

-Dean: Thank you, thank you!
-Mara: So, again,

if you'd like to set up
an appointment, that would be --

Glenn: Yeah, I want
to set up an appointment, Mara.

Mara: Ooh.

That's a nasty tone.

Glenn: When can I have
an appointment, Mara?

Mara: Uh, I believe
he's open at 5:00 P.M.

5:00 P.M.

Glenn: Today? Great.
I'll take 5:00 P.M. today.

Mara: Next Friday.

Glenn:
He's sitting right there,

reading some kind
of old book, okay?

Let me speak to Dean.
Get out of my way.

Please, get.

Mara: Go ahead.

Oh, block!
You never leave me open.

-Dean: Mara? Mara?
-Mara: Yes, sir?

Glenn: There's no way
he didn't see me standing there!

Why is no one

giving me the respect worthy
of a partner?

Dean: Oh, this does take place
on Earth.

Glenn: Okay, Dean, I'll
just be -- I need to speak --

Mara:
I think -- I think it's time.

I think it's time for you --
-Glenn: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Ow, ow, hey!
This is a suit.

This is a suit, all right.
This isn't some kind of...

Dean: Mara?

Mara: Yes, sir?

Dean:
What's "Star Wars" again?

Mara: Oh, it's that silly
little film

that you said you hated.

Dean: Oh!
Yes, I hate it so much!

Mara: Did you want me to go
ahead and recap it for you?

-Dean: Yes, please.
-Mara: Okay.

In a galaxy far, far away...

Glenn:
She put me in time-out.

Being partner feels a lot
like being office manager.

Victoria: I was really pissed
when Derek used my listing

as the location
for his independent film.

♪ But that all changed
when he made me a star ♪

Cindy: [ Crying ]
Damn it, I will jump!

Steven: No.

Victoria: Steven...

I can't do this anymore.

-Steven: But you have to.
-Victoria: I'm sorry.

Listen, I...
-Steven: But you have to.

Victoria: Why is my character
even here?

Derek: Because she is
a force of nature. She has no --

Victoria:
She wouldn't be here.

She goes to yoga on Tuesdays.

Why would she show up here?
It doesn't even make sense.

Derek: Wait a minute,

when did we decide that she
goes to yoga on Tuesday?

Victoria: I have a back story.
Put your arm up.

-Derek: Mm-hmm.
-Victoria: Slowly, sl-slower.

Slowly, slower.

Look at me, look at me.
-Steven: [ Grunts ]

Oh, my balls!

Victoria: I think we should
roll. Just roll.

Filmmaking is like real estate.

I do whatever I want.

But ask no more!

Ask no more.

Derek: And cut, print.

Victoria: I mean,
I think that was it.

Steven:
That was so good.

-Victoria: Oh.
-Cindy: You okay, Derek?

Derek: I'm gonna need
a second, guys, I'm sorry.

Cindy: Sure.

Derek: Thank you.

-Victoria: Thank you.
-Derek: Thank you.

-Victoria: Oh, bravo me.
-Derek: Victoria.

Just a second,
just a second, okay?

Victoria: Do I have room
for a Diamond Dealmaker

and an Oscar?

I'll make room.

Andrew: I agreed
to help Baxter move a rug

with a dead body in it,
and then he kidnapped me.

I don't know where we're headed,
but I am terrified!

Why are we stopping?

-Baxter: We're stopping.
-Andrew: Why are we stopping?

-Baxter: We're here.
-Andrew: Why did you say --

we have gone so far
and you're suddenly stopping.

What are we doing?!
Let me out!

-Baxter: I'm letting you --
-Andrew: Let me out!

-Baxter: I am!
-Andrew: I am so car sick!

I am so car sick!

Baxter: Just shut up!

Okay?
There comes a time

when you have to be a big boy.
-Andrew: Oh.

Baxter: And stop being
a little boy.

Andrew:
I want to stay little.

Baxter: I feel like you have
your diapy on right now.

Do you have a big dirty diapy?

Andrew:
I do have a dirty diapy.

Baxter: No one can know.

Andrew: I'll do this with you.
I will help you with it --

[ Noisemakers blowing ]

All: Surprise!

-Andrew: No!
-Baxter: Yeah!

-Andrew: Yeah!
-Baxter: It was a prank!

Andrew: You knew!
I thought you...

I thought you killed --

I thought you killed a person.
-Baxter: What?!

Andrew: I thought I --

Baxter: He thought
I killed someone!

[ Laughter ]

Andrew: I knew Baxter
couldn't kill anyone.

It turns out it was actually
an elaborate cover

for a surprise birthday
party for moi.

Guys, I thought he literally
had killed somebody.

-Chelsea: What?
-Andrew: I did. I swear to God.

I went down in the basement
as I'm leaving for the day.

He had that --
he had that stand-up of me,

which is nice,

and I had wanted that

for a long time.
-Chelsea: Yeah.

Andrew: He had that wrapped up
in a rug.

So what would you think
if you saw somebody putting a...

Baxter is a genius!

He throws a surprise
party for me

when my actual birthday
is four months away.

Cindy: I'll do it.
I'll jump.

Victoria: No.

Announcer: 3 lovers,
1 house...

Steven: But you have to!

Victoria: Five bedrooms,
five and a half baths.

The master bedroom
has two closets!

Announcer:
Starring Cindy Roost...

Robbie Cass...

and introducing Victoria King.

Victoria: I won't even
need to put it on MLS.

I'm that good!

Announcer:
In select theaters.