Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Spiritual Gurus - full transcript
-Glenn: Chelsea, a word.
-Chelsea: Yo.
Glenn: Chelsea and I are
co-listing a property together,
so I figured it's time
to clear the air,
because it's thick
with sex tension.
As you know,
I, uh, I'm partner now.
I'm Dean's right-hand man.
I have assumed
new responsibilities,
and with that come burdens
that I wish upon no one else.
Can I sit?
Chelsea: Yeah,
now you're scaring me.
Glenn: Okay,
I'm just gonna say it.
[ Clears throat ]
Whatever this is, is done.
We can't have it.
That fantasy, that daydream
that we indulge in...
Chelsea: What?
Glenn: ...day after day,
every hour on the hour,
sometimes every 15 minutes
just to keep the day fresh,
it's done.
Chelsea: Just to be clear,
what did you --
what did you think
was happening between us?
Glenn: Heat.
Electricity.
-Chelsea: Okay.
-Glenn: Okay.
There's an elephant
in the room --
a sexy elephant.
-Chelsea: Mmm.
So to be perfectly clear,
I did not have a crush
on you, it was all one-sided.
Glenn: Okay, look,
the point is,
we can't do this,
all right?
It will never happen.
This is partner Glenn,
and partner Glenn is different.
We will never, ever be together.
Understood?
Chelsea: I've never seen
you get mad like that before.
Glenn:
I'm a docile person,
but that doesn't mean
I'm not filled with beasts.
Chelsea: So you're saying
we can't be together.
Glenn: Never.
Chelsea: This is a whole
new side of Glenn.
It's actually kind of hot.
You can't tell me
who to be with,
even if it's you.
Glenn: What?
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't put me in this position.
Chelsea:
Glenn, nobody cares.
-Glenn: No, but I'm saying --
-Chelsea: Forget your rules.
-Glenn: A man needs his rules.
-Chelsea: Are you sure?
I think you're wavering.
-Glenn: No.
-Chelsea: You just wavered.
-Glenn: No.
Chelsea: I want to sign
that waiver.
Glenn: Okay,
I should probably get going.
-Chelsea: You okay?
-Glenn: Yeah.
Chelsea: You look a little --
like your color is a little...
No?
Oh, no.
Uh...
Okay.
Will you put it back?
Thank you.
Oh, God!
I think I like Glenn.
Dean: Well...
look at you all.
Andrew:
Everyone at Platinum
has been down in the dumps
lately.
Victoria:
I have my biannual lunch meeting
with my father this afternoon.
I'm not looking forward
to telling him
I didn't make partner.
Dean: Another story
for another time.
Amir: The whole Glenn
getting the partnership debacle
has me really
questioning my place
in the old Platinum totem pole.
Dean: I'm going to talk
about something else right now.
Chelsea: I can't stop thinking
about Glenn.
Dean: Final records.
Baxter: I haven't had sex
in two days,
and it's making me crazy.
Dean: Well?!
Andrew: So Dean
called us all together
to get us back on track.
Dean: The awards
are fast approaching,
and with them comes my TODD.
Glenn: Platinum is nominated
for best brokerage
at the upcoming
Diamond Dealmakers,
A.K.A. the Oscars
for real estate.
Dean: Now, in order
for you to help me achieve
this singular honor,
I need you to get right
from the inside out.
You are all in varying stages
of hideous moral decay.
Victoria: [ Laughs ]
Dean:
So we're going to combat that
so we'll be in ship shape
for that awards ceremony
so there will be
no doubt Platinum is number one.
To that end, I have brought on
some special guests.
These gentlemen are going
to get you spiritually sound.
I met these gentlemen
at Elon Musk's white
elephant party...
which I may tell you in exchange
for a cursed urn,
I walked away
with a full DVD set
of the NBC series "Smash."
Glenn, hit the music.
♪♪
-Pyotr: This is happening!
-Grimsley: Welcome!
Pyotr: Open it, open it!
Receive it!
Yes!
Amir: Come on.
These jokers are gonna
help me figure out my shit?
Pyotr: We're gonna do
a little clearing first.
-Grimsley: Sure.
-Pyotr: I hope no one's allergic
to cedar or sage
or coyote urine.
Victoria: Coyote urine?
Pyotr: My name is Pyotr Meredith
Van Drixpy-Vogelstein Salamander
Musk Blossom Avalanche
A-flat Asterisk Crisis.
Grimsley:
And I'm Grimsley.
I don't reveal my last name,
but I will tell all of you
that I am a Hemingway.
Pyotr: But, see, you do,
you reveal it right away
when you say that, so...
Grimsley: We used
to be a couple.
We're no longer a couple.
-Pyotr: But we have a lot
to teach everyone,
to give everyone.
Grimsley: Yeah,
our spirits are commingled,
so it's our blessing
and our curse and yours as well.
Pyotr: Our essence
spews out on you,
our wisdom just
seminates all over you.
Glenn: I hope I'm not
on spiritual birth control.
Chelsea: I have a few questions
about how this can fit
into my already existing
holistic health
practitioner wellness program.
I currently practice Reiki,
vedic meditation.
I also do Soka Gakki chanting,
and I do earthing
and crystal grounding work.
So I'm just wondering
if it's more of a hypno-therapy
or is this going to be more
of an alkaline body treatment?
-Pyotr: Wow.
-Grimsley: Okay,
I'm gonna stop
you right there.
You're throwing a lot at us.
I stopped listening.
-Andrew: I'm sorry,
would you be able
to help me with addiction?
Pyotr: Yeah, we've been addicted
to everything.
Grimsley: I've been addicted to,
like, Glade Plug-Ins.
Pyotr: I was addicted to black
tar heroin, Spray 'N Wash.
Grimsley: I was addicted
to roach-flavored Raid.
Pyotr:
Or are you a porn boy?
Andrew: No, this is more
butters, creams, milks.
-Grimsley: Oh.
-Andrew: It gets late at night,
and I go to the fridge,
and anything that's white.
Victoria: Come on,
is this seriously an addiction?
Andrew: One of my worst bouts
of dairy madness,
gotta be the night
I woke up 69'ing a cow
with her exhausted teat
in my mouth.
Grimsley: Everyone, I want you
to unlock your throat.
Okay, unlock your throat,
let your jaw drop down,
let it hang down --
like shaking beef.
Pyotr: Good mouth work.
Grimsley: Now bring your eyes
down towards your gullet.
Good, good.
Pyotr:
Let your tongue loll out.
Grimsley:
Let your noise happen.
-Victoria: [ Screams ]
-Grimsley: Get it out.
-Pyotr: [ Screams ]
-Grimsley: Good work. Good work.
Pyotr: See how wonderful
that was? It helped me.
Do it.
Andrew: [ Yells ]
Pyotr: That's great.
Dean: You have everything
well in hand here,
so I'll just go somewhere else.
-Pyotr: Screech it out.
-Grimsley: Really great.
Pyotr: Screech it out.
Screech it out.
Screech it out.
Let it go.
[ All yelling ]
Grimsley: Yes!
Victoria: Fuck you, Glenn!
Pyotr: I don't get it.
Andrew: I am cured!
Oh, God.
I feel better.
Ahh!
Oh, shit, no.
Victoria: I'm having lunch
with Daddy -- Xavier King.
He's a real-estate tycoon
and TV's "The King Maker."
The show is a lot
like "The Apprentice,"
except instead of people
getting fired...
they get sired.
Announcer:
"The King Maker."
Xavier: Now...
I must choose one to crown.
Victoria: Not only does Daddy
hire the winners,
but he also adopts them.
Xavier: The choice
was too hard to make,
so for the first time ever,
you are both sired.
Welcome to my family.
This is probably
the proudest moment of my life.
Victoria:
There have been 10 seasons.
You probably notice
I'm not eating my rice.
Xavier:
I did notice that.
Yeah, what's the matter,
sweetheart?
Victoria: Fit into
a size 24 jeans, so...
-Xavier: Really?
-Victoria: Mm-hmm.
Xavier:
Were you bigger than that?
-Victoria: I was a 25.
-Xavier: Oh.
Oh, I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Victoria:
Last time I saw Daddy,
I told him the partnership
was in the bag.
I don't know
how I'm gonna tell him
I didn't get it.
Xavier: Anything
else happening with you?
Anything at work
you want to tell me about?
Victoria:
No, it's fine, you know.
Just, we have...
-Xavier: Mm-hmm.
Don't you have a little surprise
for me, some news?
Did you...
Did you get the partnership?
Victoria: No, I didn't get
the partnership.
-Xavier: Wait, what?
-Victoria: No, I didn't get it.
It's not my fault.
He gave it to his son.
I mean, how am I supposed
to compete with that?
Xavier: Yeah, 'cause
in the history of mankind,
there's never been a father
turned against his son.
Throughout the entire
long history of humanity.
Victoria:
It's not some movie plot.
Xavier: From Mesopotamia
all the way
through to modern space man,
no one has ever been able
to encourage a father
to split from his son.
Victoria: Well,
maybe he's just a father
that really loves his child.
Xavier:
Look, don't be absurd.
Rezecca: Top you guys
off with water?
-Xavier: Oh, yes, please.
-Rezecca: There you go.
I'm gonna just...
-Victoria: Thank you.
-Xavier: I love those earrings.
Rezecca: Oh, thank you.
They're actually my mother's.
-Xavier: Really?
-Rezecca: Yeah.
Xavier: Vicky
never knew her mother.
-Rezecca: Oh, I'm sorry.
-Victoria: No, it's fine.
Xavier: No, Vicky
killed her mother in childbirth.
It's okay.
It was a long time ago.
Rezecca:
It's not your fault.
Victoria: I know
it's not my fault.
She's saying it's my fault.
-Xavier: Oh, oh, oh.
Hold, hold, hold,
hold, hold, hold on.
A little something for you.
Rezecca: Oh, my gosh!
Victoria: Why would you
make her a card?
Xavier:
Because it's her birthday.
Victoria:
But you hate writing cards.
You don't write me
birthday cards.
Xavier: Well, honey,
you know I have mixed feelings
about celebrating the day
that you killed your mother.
Now, I hope
you had a wonderful day.
Rezecca: Yeah, I did.
Victoria: There is only room
for one woman in Daddy's life!
I want a new waitress.
-Xavier: Oh, sweetheart.
-Victoria: I hate her!
-Xavier: How can you possibly --
Victoria: I want
a new waitress now!
Xavier: You know what?
You are behaving like
a petulant child...
who isn't even a partner.
Victoria: I should have just
lied about the partnership
like he lied about coming
to my fencing recitals!
Xavier: Seems like
there's a little bit
of emotional transference
going on here.
You say you're mad at me,
you say you're mad at Rezecca.
You know who I think
you're really mad at?
A little lady named Victoria...
who doesn't apply herself 119%.
We always said that would be
the minimum percentage
we would apply ourselves.
Didn't we?
-Victoria: Mm-hmm.
-Xavier: Wasn't that our pact?
-Victoria: Mm-hmm.
Xavier:
Do whatever you want, I said,
as long as you apply yourself
100 and how many percent?
Victoria: 19.
Grimsley: How many popsicles
did you buy?
Pyotr:
It was not popsicles.
Grimsley:
Okay, what was it?
Pyotr:
Eskimo pies, Eskimo pies.
Grimsley: That's a popsicle
without a stick.
Pyotr: No, it's not! A popsicle
is an icy, fruity treat.
An Eskimo pie is a --
-Grimsley: Okay, great.
Oh, uh, Badgley!
B-Bantana!
I'm sorry, what was your name?
Pyotr: Boston!
Boston Market!
-Grimsley: Bam-boy.
-Pyotr: Bitch Box.
-Baxter: Baxter.
-Pyotr: Get over here.
Grimsley: Get in betwixt.
Get in betwixt.
Baxter:
Pyotr and Grimsley
are taking some of the brokers
aside for one-on-one sessions,
and I guess it's my turn.
Pyotr: We teach a workshop
where we take you back
to our yurt
and we strip you nude,
and then I show you on your body
where I think
your new tattoo should be.
Baxter:
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Grimsley: It's about
an eight-hour class.
Pyotr: So many fun-gasms,
we call them.
They're more fun than orgasms.
Grimsley: You also
will have fear-gasms,
you'll have shame-gasms.
-Pyotr: Stress-gasms.
-Grimsley: Hate-gasms.
Do you like gasms?
-Baxter: I think I like --
I don't know if I want to have
a shame-gasm or a hate-gasm.
Pyotr: What Grimsley says
is about his butt is it's,
"Once you see my chasm,
I think you're gonna gasm."
Baxter: Chasm-gasms?!
Okay, I've never tried therapy
before,
but that is right up my alley.
Or up my butt!
Grimsley: We will have sex
with you right now.
Baxter: But as you've noticed,
there are women here.
Grimsley:
What are they doing here?
Baxter:
Well, they work here and --
Yeah, I know.
-Pyotr: You know what you do?
You put a big old chocolate
cake in a back room,
and it lures them in.
And they're all like, "Oh,
this will help me get
over Edward."
Baxter: Yeah,
"I don't like sours,
but I love sweets."
Pyotr: Yeah, and you lock 'em in
and you fuck each other.
Baxter:
A workplace orgy is exactly
what I need right now.
Dean is a genius
for bringing these guys in.
-Pyotr: Oh, now...
-Grimsley: Can I --
can I give you a blow job
while he cries?
Chelsea: Miss Kates,
we were so excited
that we we able to book you.
I cannot wait to see what you do
with this fabulous property.
Glenn: Chelsea and I had
our special moment this morning,
and, yes, sparks flew.
But we have to put that aside
because of our big meeting
with famous home-stager
Cate Kates.
Chelsea: I've gone from liking
Glenn to like liking him.
So what are you thinking?
Cate: I mean, I think textures,
materials...
Even like a mixture
of materials.
Like...wood
and then, also, not wood.
Glenn: Well, that was helpful
and also not helpful.
Chelsea: Yeah,
you mention textures.
I think that personally,
texture --
Cate: I'm gonna need
a little bit of room
so that I can really
absorb the materials
and the fabrics
and the colors
because there's greens and blues
and yellows and purples...
Chelsea: She 100% just
listed the colors of her dress.
Cate: And we're gonna lose
all of this furniture, right?
Chelsea:
That's a question for you.
Cate: Yeah, we could lose it,
and then we could also keep it.
I mean, there's a version
where we keep it,
but then also
we could also lose it.
I'm gonna check it out
over here.
Glenn: Okay.
Cate: Can I just ask
one more question?
If you're on a speed boat...
what kind of boat is it?
Glenn: A speed boat.
If we're on a speed boat,
then it's a speed boat.
I don't think that was a riddle,
that was just a bad question.
Chelsea: I gotta say,
decisive Glenn
is doing it for me.
Cate: Have you been
to Palm Springs?
Because I'm thinking
Palm Springs
by way of Big Sur.
I'm also thinking Ohai, Aspen,
Chicago, Omaha --
because I think
there's a lot of Omaha.
Glenn: Um, for someone --
a novice who might think
that all of those things
are "incongrew-ous"...
-Cate: Incongruous.
-Glenn: Hmm. No, I think --
Chelsea:
I think she's right, actually.
Incongruous.
-Cate: Incongruous.
-Chelsea: There is no congruity.
-Cate: It's incongruous.
-Chelsea: Congruous.
-Glenn: "Incongrew-ous."
-Chelsea: Incongruous.
-Cate: Mmm.
-Glenn: Okay.
-Cate: Mm-hmm.
Chelsea: Sorry, Glenn,
what were you gonna ask?
Glenn: I forgot.
Chelsea: You know
what is incongruous?
Me liking Glenn.
But I'm gonna make it congruous.
Victoria: Let me just begin
by saying I'm here
out of respect for Dean.
Lunch with Daddy was miserable.
And, oh, look,
some more men
to tell me what I'm doing
wrong with my life.
Pyotr: We've brought
our sacred tools to you today.
-Victoria: Okay.
-Grimsley: See this --
look at this.
-Pyotr: See these tools?
These are the sacred tools.
-Victoria: Wigs?
Grimsley:
Absolutely not wigs!
-Pyotr: No, no!
-Grimsley: Wigs are something
that secretaries
wear at Halloween parties.
Pyotr: Exactly.
Victoria: Those are wigs.
-Grimsley: Pick a tool.
-Victoria: Is there --
does this do something
different than this does?
Grimsley: Absolutely.
How about this?
"Cold Mountain's"
Renee Zellweger
has had this on her head.
Pyotr: Peter Dinklage
has had that on.
-Grimsley: All right, great.
-Pyotr: Oh, wow.
It's like you're emerging
from a pubis.
Grimsley: Mm-hmm.
Pyotr: Talk about
your mother to me.
Victoria: She died
during childbirth.
-Pyotr: Whose birth?
-Victoria: Mine, obviously.
-Pyotr: Oh!
-Grimsley: You murdered her.
Victoria: For the last time,
it wasn't murder.
It was suicide by baby.
Pyotr: Let's get
into some role play.
-Grimsley: Mama's home.
-Pyotr: This is your mother.
-Grimsley: Hi, I'm your mother.
-Pyotr: Do you hate your mother?
-Victoria: I hate her.
-Pyotr: How do we --
how do we feel about daddy?
-Victoria: I love Daddy.
Pyotr: Confront her
and just let her have it.
Victoria: You have
to open your eyes.
I feel like her eyes
would be open.
Grimsley:
Has somebody seen the milk?
Victoria: God! What was --
am I supposed
to look at her and be like,
"I didn't know you 'cause
you didn't stick around."
Pyotr:
Yeah, yeah, keep going.
Victoria: You weren't here!
And Daddy was here,
telling me
that I wasn't good enough.
You want me to say that?
Pyotr: Keep spitting
your heart out, go.
Victoria: You died.
You died when I was born,
and now I just have
to sit here with Dad,
who's never proud of me,
and you're not here
to defend me at all.
And Daddy
says that I can do better,
I can always do better,
but I can't do any better
than I'm doing right now, Mommy!
Pyotr: Yes!
Victoria: I can't do any better
than I'm doing right now!
-Pyotr: Yes!
-Victoria: No, Mommy!
[ Yells ]
-Pyotr: Look at my mouth.
-Victoria: [ Yells ]
I feel like I've been reborn...
into someone that Daddy
can finally love.
Cate: Moreno glass,
opaque but see-through.
And then also surfboard wax.
Chelsea: She talks
into the phone,
but I don't know if
she's actually doing something.
Glenn: One of the times,
she said -- in French --
"biological research,"
and that was it.
It's been four hours
with Cate Kates
yammering about nothing.
We still have no idea
what her plans
for the space are.
Chelsea:
The four hours with Glenn
have been really nice.
But I think he's right --
we need to keep
our relationship professional.
Glenn: And I am getting
incredibly crabby.
I'm getting so crabby
I'm doing a Sudoku --
that's how crabby I am.
Chelsea: I know,
and you're crushing it.
Look, she's the best.
Every house
she designs gets published.
We need that.
-Glenn: Is she the best?
'Cause I think she's terrible.
All right?
Do we actually need her
to sell this house?
Do we?
Chelsea: You're a genius.
-Glenn: Who are you calling?
-Chelsea: Hi.
Is this Kate James?
Hey, yeah, it's Chelsea.
We've reviewed
your proposal again
and we may be in need
of your services.
Oh, you are available?
How lucky for me.
We'll get in touch
about the details.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Thank you so much.
All right, bye-bye.
-Glenn: Wow!
That is great news
to hear about Kate James.
Cate: Oh,
she's not in contention
for this project, is she?
Because I really don't think --
she's very heavy-handed.
Glenn: Right now,
she's got a lot of heat on her,
so it might be worth exploring.
I don't know.
Cate: Kate James wouldn't even
hold a candle
to my plans, so...
Chelsea: Just like,
out of curiosity,
what are you thinking?
-Cate: Well, I do think
that we just retain
the Art Deco nature.
I mean,
the house is what it is, right?
I mean, we're not gonna fight
against it
because it's such
a beautiful piece.
But I think
it does need more color.
I would definitely go blues.
Olives aren't doing anything
for anyone.
And then I think
we need a pop of color.
Chelsea: A pop of what color,
specifically?
-Cate: Hot pink.
-Chelsea: Great.
Cate: I'll put together
a proposal for you,
and I will e-mail you.
Chelsea: Yee!
-Glenn: That was smooth.
-Chelsea: We're a good team.
Yeah, I'm not gonna be able
to keep it professional.
Grimsley: Now,
where are you going?
Amir:
No, I'm done with this!
I'm done!
Sure,
I've been depressed lately.
But these two idiots
aren't gonna help me.
Pyotr: Come on,
you're acting out.
Grimsley: Body and soul.
Pyotr: You're furious at mommy
and daddy, and they love you.
Everyone come around.
They know.
Grimsley:
Amir's soul has no song.
So let's help him
find a soul song.
Amir: My soul has no song,
I'm sorry.
My soul doesn't need a song!
What does this have to do
with real estate anyway?
All anybody needs to know
is that I'm a closer.
Grimsley: I'm right here,
I'm right here.
Who are you?
What do you want?
-Pyotr: Simply, who are you?
-Grimsley: What is music to you?
Amir: I am a closer.
Grimsley:
B-flat, say it in a B-flat.
Amir: What does --
I don't even know what --
-Pyotr: ♪ B-flat ♪
-Grimsley: ♪ B-flat ♪
-Amir: I'm a closer.
-Grimsley: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
Okay, good,
breathe, breathe.
-Pyotr: Use your diaphragm.
-Grimsley: Open this channel.
All right, good.
-Pyotr: Open your sit bones.
Grimsley: Let your tongue
allow the process.
-Pyotr: I am a what?
-Grimsley: Out, out and in,
and out and up.
-Pyotr: Breathe, noises, yes.
-Grimsley: Up.
Pyotr: Make a noise.
Grimsley: This is how singers
do it, okay?
Just like that.
-Pyotr: What are you?
Grimsley: Let it out, Amir.
Amir: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ It's plain to see ♪
♪ I am a closer ♪
Pyotr: He's an angel.
Amir: ♪ Look at me ♪
Grimsley: Good, yeah!
Pyotr: We are.
Keep going, keep going.
Amir: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ Watch me go ♪
♪ I am a closer ♪
♪ It's all I know ♪
All: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ It's plain to see ♪
Pyotr: Support!
All: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ Look at me ♪
Grimsley: You are!
All: ♪ I am a closer ♪
♪ Watch me go ♪
♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ It's all I know ♪
Pyotr: 5, 6, 7, 8.
All: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ It's plain to see ♪
♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ Watch me go ♪
♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ It's all I know ♪
Dean: ♪ I am a man ♪
♪ Who has beheld wonders ♪
♪ Yes, I'm truly blessed ♪
♪ But to see you ♪
♪ Rectify your blunders ♪
♪ That makes this life
truly the best ♪
I thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you very much
for everything you've done.
Wonderful work here today.
I appreciate it,
and I think we're well
on our way
to winning that top prize
at the awards show.
Pyotr: Yes, you are.
Yes, thank you.
Amir: That was beautiful.
I -- I feel beautiful.
Grimsley:
Thank you so much.
Yeah, we need to get paid.
Dean: This way
to the secret vault.
Grimsley:
That's really great.
Amir: I mean, guys,
I really couldn't have done that
if I didn't
have your support.
Andrew: You looked very stupid
doing it.
Glenn: That was...
really dumb looking.
Victoria: Did you
feel stupid doing it?
You must have felt stupid.
Baxter: Honestly...
I sucked a dick 30 minutes ago,
and what you just did
was gayer than that.
Victoria: Mmm.
Amir: Yeah, I know.
'Cause it was a joke.
It was a joke, guys!
I was just joking!
[ Laughs ]
It was just so stupid.
♪ I am a closer ♪
♪ It's all I know ♪
-Chelsea: Yo.
Glenn: Chelsea and I are
co-listing a property together,
so I figured it's time
to clear the air,
because it's thick
with sex tension.
As you know,
I, uh, I'm partner now.
I'm Dean's right-hand man.
I have assumed
new responsibilities,
and with that come burdens
that I wish upon no one else.
Can I sit?
Chelsea: Yeah,
now you're scaring me.
Glenn: Okay,
I'm just gonna say it.
[ Clears throat ]
Whatever this is, is done.
We can't have it.
That fantasy, that daydream
that we indulge in...
Chelsea: What?
Glenn: ...day after day,
every hour on the hour,
sometimes every 15 minutes
just to keep the day fresh,
it's done.
Chelsea: Just to be clear,
what did you --
what did you think
was happening between us?
Glenn: Heat.
Electricity.
-Chelsea: Okay.
-Glenn: Okay.
There's an elephant
in the room --
a sexy elephant.
-Chelsea: Mmm.
So to be perfectly clear,
I did not have a crush
on you, it was all one-sided.
Glenn: Okay, look,
the point is,
we can't do this,
all right?
It will never happen.
This is partner Glenn,
and partner Glenn is different.
We will never, ever be together.
Understood?
Chelsea: I've never seen
you get mad like that before.
Glenn:
I'm a docile person,
but that doesn't mean
I'm not filled with beasts.
Chelsea: So you're saying
we can't be together.
Glenn: Never.
Chelsea: This is a whole
new side of Glenn.
It's actually kind of hot.
You can't tell me
who to be with,
even if it's you.
Glenn: What?
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't put me in this position.
Chelsea:
Glenn, nobody cares.
-Glenn: No, but I'm saying --
-Chelsea: Forget your rules.
-Glenn: A man needs his rules.
-Chelsea: Are you sure?
I think you're wavering.
-Glenn: No.
-Chelsea: You just wavered.
-Glenn: No.
Chelsea: I want to sign
that waiver.
Glenn: Okay,
I should probably get going.
-Chelsea: You okay?
-Glenn: Yeah.
Chelsea: You look a little --
like your color is a little...
No?
Oh, no.
Uh...
Okay.
Will you put it back?
Thank you.
Oh, God!
I think I like Glenn.
Dean: Well...
look at you all.
Andrew:
Everyone at Platinum
has been down in the dumps
lately.
Victoria:
I have my biannual lunch meeting
with my father this afternoon.
I'm not looking forward
to telling him
I didn't make partner.
Dean: Another story
for another time.
Amir: The whole Glenn
getting the partnership debacle
has me really
questioning my place
in the old Platinum totem pole.
Dean: I'm going to talk
about something else right now.
Chelsea: I can't stop thinking
about Glenn.
Dean: Final records.
Baxter: I haven't had sex
in two days,
and it's making me crazy.
Dean: Well?!
Andrew: So Dean
called us all together
to get us back on track.
Dean: The awards
are fast approaching,
and with them comes my TODD.
Glenn: Platinum is nominated
for best brokerage
at the upcoming
Diamond Dealmakers,
A.K.A. the Oscars
for real estate.
Dean: Now, in order
for you to help me achieve
this singular honor,
I need you to get right
from the inside out.
You are all in varying stages
of hideous moral decay.
Victoria: [ Laughs ]
Dean:
So we're going to combat that
so we'll be in ship shape
for that awards ceremony
so there will be
no doubt Platinum is number one.
To that end, I have brought on
some special guests.
These gentlemen are going
to get you spiritually sound.
I met these gentlemen
at Elon Musk's white
elephant party...
which I may tell you in exchange
for a cursed urn,
I walked away
with a full DVD set
of the NBC series "Smash."
Glenn, hit the music.
♪♪
-Pyotr: This is happening!
-Grimsley: Welcome!
Pyotr: Open it, open it!
Receive it!
Yes!
Amir: Come on.
These jokers are gonna
help me figure out my shit?
Pyotr: We're gonna do
a little clearing first.
-Grimsley: Sure.
-Pyotr: I hope no one's allergic
to cedar or sage
or coyote urine.
Victoria: Coyote urine?
Pyotr: My name is Pyotr Meredith
Van Drixpy-Vogelstein Salamander
Musk Blossom Avalanche
A-flat Asterisk Crisis.
Grimsley:
And I'm Grimsley.
I don't reveal my last name,
but I will tell all of you
that I am a Hemingway.
Pyotr: But, see, you do,
you reveal it right away
when you say that, so...
Grimsley: We used
to be a couple.
We're no longer a couple.
-Pyotr: But we have a lot
to teach everyone,
to give everyone.
Grimsley: Yeah,
our spirits are commingled,
so it's our blessing
and our curse and yours as well.
Pyotr: Our essence
spews out on you,
our wisdom just
seminates all over you.
Glenn: I hope I'm not
on spiritual birth control.
Chelsea: I have a few questions
about how this can fit
into my already existing
holistic health
practitioner wellness program.
I currently practice Reiki,
vedic meditation.
I also do Soka Gakki chanting,
and I do earthing
and crystal grounding work.
So I'm just wondering
if it's more of a hypno-therapy
or is this going to be more
of an alkaline body treatment?
-Pyotr: Wow.
-Grimsley: Okay,
I'm gonna stop
you right there.
You're throwing a lot at us.
I stopped listening.
-Andrew: I'm sorry,
would you be able
to help me with addiction?
Pyotr: Yeah, we've been addicted
to everything.
Grimsley: I've been addicted to,
like, Glade Plug-Ins.
Pyotr: I was addicted to black
tar heroin, Spray 'N Wash.
Grimsley: I was addicted
to roach-flavored Raid.
Pyotr:
Or are you a porn boy?
Andrew: No, this is more
butters, creams, milks.
-Grimsley: Oh.
-Andrew: It gets late at night,
and I go to the fridge,
and anything that's white.
Victoria: Come on,
is this seriously an addiction?
Andrew: One of my worst bouts
of dairy madness,
gotta be the night
I woke up 69'ing a cow
with her exhausted teat
in my mouth.
Grimsley: Everyone, I want you
to unlock your throat.
Okay, unlock your throat,
let your jaw drop down,
let it hang down --
like shaking beef.
Pyotr: Good mouth work.
Grimsley: Now bring your eyes
down towards your gullet.
Good, good.
Pyotr:
Let your tongue loll out.
Grimsley:
Let your noise happen.
-Victoria: [ Screams ]
-Grimsley: Get it out.
-Pyotr: [ Screams ]
-Grimsley: Good work. Good work.
Pyotr: See how wonderful
that was? It helped me.
Do it.
Andrew: [ Yells ]
Pyotr: That's great.
Dean: You have everything
well in hand here,
so I'll just go somewhere else.
-Pyotr: Screech it out.
-Grimsley: Really great.
Pyotr: Screech it out.
Screech it out.
Screech it out.
Let it go.
[ All yelling ]
Grimsley: Yes!
Victoria: Fuck you, Glenn!
Pyotr: I don't get it.
Andrew: I am cured!
Oh, God.
I feel better.
Ahh!
Oh, shit, no.
Victoria: I'm having lunch
with Daddy -- Xavier King.
He's a real-estate tycoon
and TV's "The King Maker."
The show is a lot
like "The Apprentice,"
except instead of people
getting fired...
they get sired.
Announcer:
"The King Maker."
Xavier: Now...
I must choose one to crown.
Victoria: Not only does Daddy
hire the winners,
but he also adopts them.
Xavier: The choice
was too hard to make,
so for the first time ever,
you are both sired.
Welcome to my family.
This is probably
the proudest moment of my life.
Victoria:
There have been 10 seasons.
You probably notice
I'm not eating my rice.
Xavier:
I did notice that.
Yeah, what's the matter,
sweetheart?
Victoria: Fit into
a size 24 jeans, so...
-Xavier: Really?
-Victoria: Mm-hmm.
Xavier:
Were you bigger than that?
-Victoria: I was a 25.
-Xavier: Oh.
Oh, I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Victoria:
Last time I saw Daddy,
I told him the partnership
was in the bag.
I don't know
how I'm gonna tell him
I didn't get it.
Xavier: Anything
else happening with you?
Anything at work
you want to tell me about?
Victoria:
No, it's fine, you know.
Just, we have...
-Xavier: Mm-hmm.
Don't you have a little surprise
for me, some news?
Did you...
Did you get the partnership?
Victoria: No, I didn't get
the partnership.
-Xavier: Wait, what?
-Victoria: No, I didn't get it.
It's not my fault.
He gave it to his son.
I mean, how am I supposed
to compete with that?
Xavier: Yeah, 'cause
in the history of mankind,
there's never been a father
turned against his son.
Throughout the entire
long history of humanity.
Victoria:
It's not some movie plot.
Xavier: From Mesopotamia
all the way
through to modern space man,
no one has ever been able
to encourage a father
to split from his son.
Victoria: Well,
maybe he's just a father
that really loves his child.
Xavier:
Look, don't be absurd.
Rezecca: Top you guys
off with water?
-Xavier: Oh, yes, please.
-Rezecca: There you go.
I'm gonna just...
-Victoria: Thank you.
-Xavier: I love those earrings.
Rezecca: Oh, thank you.
They're actually my mother's.
-Xavier: Really?
-Rezecca: Yeah.
Xavier: Vicky
never knew her mother.
-Rezecca: Oh, I'm sorry.
-Victoria: No, it's fine.
Xavier: No, Vicky
killed her mother in childbirth.
It's okay.
It was a long time ago.
Rezecca:
It's not your fault.
Victoria: I know
it's not my fault.
She's saying it's my fault.
-Xavier: Oh, oh, oh.
Hold, hold, hold,
hold, hold, hold on.
A little something for you.
Rezecca: Oh, my gosh!
Victoria: Why would you
make her a card?
Xavier:
Because it's her birthday.
Victoria:
But you hate writing cards.
You don't write me
birthday cards.
Xavier: Well, honey,
you know I have mixed feelings
about celebrating the day
that you killed your mother.
Now, I hope
you had a wonderful day.
Rezecca: Yeah, I did.
Victoria: There is only room
for one woman in Daddy's life!
I want a new waitress.
-Xavier: Oh, sweetheart.
-Victoria: I hate her!
-Xavier: How can you possibly --
Victoria: I want
a new waitress now!
Xavier: You know what?
You are behaving like
a petulant child...
who isn't even a partner.
Victoria: I should have just
lied about the partnership
like he lied about coming
to my fencing recitals!
Xavier: Seems like
there's a little bit
of emotional transference
going on here.
You say you're mad at me,
you say you're mad at Rezecca.
You know who I think
you're really mad at?
A little lady named Victoria...
who doesn't apply herself 119%.
We always said that would be
the minimum percentage
we would apply ourselves.
Didn't we?
-Victoria: Mm-hmm.
-Xavier: Wasn't that our pact?
-Victoria: Mm-hmm.
Xavier:
Do whatever you want, I said,
as long as you apply yourself
100 and how many percent?
Victoria: 19.
Grimsley: How many popsicles
did you buy?
Pyotr:
It was not popsicles.
Grimsley:
Okay, what was it?
Pyotr:
Eskimo pies, Eskimo pies.
Grimsley: That's a popsicle
without a stick.
Pyotr: No, it's not! A popsicle
is an icy, fruity treat.
An Eskimo pie is a --
-Grimsley: Okay, great.
Oh, uh, Badgley!
B-Bantana!
I'm sorry, what was your name?
Pyotr: Boston!
Boston Market!
-Grimsley: Bam-boy.
-Pyotr: Bitch Box.
-Baxter: Baxter.
-Pyotr: Get over here.
Grimsley: Get in betwixt.
Get in betwixt.
Baxter:
Pyotr and Grimsley
are taking some of the brokers
aside for one-on-one sessions,
and I guess it's my turn.
Pyotr: We teach a workshop
where we take you back
to our yurt
and we strip you nude,
and then I show you on your body
where I think
your new tattoo should be.
Baxter:
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Grimsley: It's about
an eight-hour class.
Pyotr: So many fun-gasms,
we call them.
They're more fun than orgasms.
Grimsley: You also
will have fear-gasms,
you'll have shame-gasms.
-Pyotr: Stress-gasms.
-Grimsley: Hate-gasms.
Do you like gasms?
-Baxter: I think I like --
I don't know if I want to have
a shame-gasm or a hate-gasm.
Pyotr: What Grimsley says
is about his butt is it's,
"Once you see my chasm,
I think you're gonna gasm."
Baxter: Chasm-gasms?!
Okay, I've never tried therapy
before,
but that is right up my alley.
Or up my butt!
Grimsley: We will have sex
with you right now.
Baxter: But as you've noticed,
there are women here.
Grimsley:
What are they doing here?
Baxter:
Well, they work here and --
Yeah, I know.
-Pyotr: You know what you do?
You put a big old chocolate
cake in a back room,
and it lures them in.
And they're all like, "Oh,
this will help me get
over Edward."
Baxter: Yeah,
"I don't like sours,
but I love sweets."
Pyotr: Yeah, and you lock 'em in
and you fuck each other.
Baxter:
A workplace orgy is exactly
what I need right now.
Dean is a genius
for bringing these guys in.
-Pyotr: Oh, now...
-Grimsley: Can I --
can I give you a blow job
while he cries?
Chelsea: Miss Kates,
we were so excited
that we we able to book you.
I cannot wait to see what you do
with this fabulous property.
Glenn: Chelsea and I had
our special moment this morning,
and, yes, sparks flew.
But we have to put that aside
because of our big meeting
with famous home-stager
Cate Kates.
Chelsea: I've gone from liking
Glenn to like liking him.
So what are you thinking?
Cate: I mean, I think textures,
materials...
Even like a mixture
of materials.
Like...wood
and then, also, not wood.
Glenn: Well, that was helpful
and also not helpful.
Chelsea: Yeah,
you mention textures.
I think that personally,
texture --
Cate: I'm gonna need
a little bit of room
so that I can really
absorb the materials
and the fabrics
and the colors
because there's greens and blues
and yellows and purples...
Chelsea: She 100% just
listed the colors of her dress.
Cate: And we're gonna lose
all of this furniture, right?
Chelsea:
That's a question for you.
Cate: Yeah, we could lose it,
and then we could also keep it.
I mean, there's a version
where we keep it,
but then also
we could also lose it.
I'm gonna check it out
over here.
Glenn: Okay.
Cate: Can I just ask
one more question?
If you're on a speed boat...
what kind of boat is it?
Glenn: A speed boat.
If we're on a speed boat,
then it's a speed boat.
I don't think that was a riddle,
that was just a bad question.
Chelsea: I gotta say,
decisive Glenn
is doing it for me.
Cate: Have you been
to Palm Springs?
Because I'm thinking
Palm Springs
by way of Big Sur.
I'm also thinking Ohai, Aspen,
Chicago, Omaha --
because I think
there's a lot of Omaha.
Glenn: Um, for someone --
a novice who might think
that all of those things
are "incongrew-ous"...
-Cate: Incongruous.
-Glenn: Hmm. No, I think --
Chelsea:
I think she's right, actually.
Incongruous.
-Cate: Incongruous.
-Chelsea: There is no congruity.
-Cate: It's incongruous.
-Chelsea: Congruous.
-Glenn: "Incongrew-ous."
-Chelsea: Incongruous.
-Cate: Mmm.
-Glenn: Okay.
-Cate: Mm-hmm.
Chelsea: Sorry, Glenn,
what were you gonna ask?
Glenn: I forgot.
Chelsea: You know
what is incongruous?
Me liking Glenn.
But I'm gonna make it congruous.
Victoria: Let me just begin
by saying I'm here
out of respect for Dean.
Lunch with Daddy was miserable.
And, oh, look,
some more men
to tell me what I'm doing
wrong with my life.
Pyotr: We've brought
our sacred tools to you today.
-Victoria: Okay.
-Grimsley: See this --
look at this.
-Pyotr: See these tools?
These are the sacred tools.
-Victoria: Wigs?
Grimsley:
Absolutely not wigs!
-Pyotr: No, no!
-Grimsley: Wigs are something
that secretaries
wear at Halloween parties.
Pyotr: Exactly.
Victoria: Those are wigs.
-Grimsley: Pick a tool.
-Victoria: Is there --
does this do something
different than this does?
Grimsley: Absolutely.
How about this?
"Cold Mountain's"
Renee Zellweger
has had this on her head.
Pyotr: Peter Dinklage
has had that on.
-Grimsley: All right, great.
-Pyotr: Oh, wow.
It's like you're emerging
from a pubis.
Grimsley: Mm-hmm.
Pyotr: Talk about
your mother to me.
Victoria: She died
during childbirth.
-Pyotr: Whose birth?
-Victoria: Mine, obviously.
-Pyotr: Oh!
-Grimsley: You murdered her.
Victoria: For the last time,
it wasn't murder.
It was suicide by baby.
Pyotr: Let's get
into some role play.
-Grimsley: Mama's home.
-Pyotr: This is your mother.
-Grimsley: Hi, I'm your mother.
-Pyotr: Do you hate your mother?
-Victoria: I hate her.
-Pyotr: How do we --
how do we feel about daddy?
-Victoria: I love Daddy.
Pyotr: Confront her
and just let her have it.
Victoria: You have
to open your eyes.
I feel like her eyes
would be open.
Grimsley:
Has somebody seen the milk?
Victoria: God! What was --
am I supposed
to look at her and be like,
"I didn't know you 'cause
you didn't stick around."
Pyotr:
Yeah, yeah, keep going.
Victoria: You weren't here!
And Daddy was here,
telling me
that I wasn't good enough.
You want me to say that?
Pyotr: Keep spitting
your heart out, go.
Victoria: You died.
You died when I was born,
and now I just have
to sit here with Dad,
who's never proud of me,
and you're not here
to defend me at all.
And Daddy
says that I can do better,
I can always do better,
but I can't do any better
than I'm doing right now, Mommy!
Pyotr: Yes!
Victoria: I can't do any better
than I'm doing right now!
-Pyotr: Yes!
-Victoria: No, Mommy!
[ Yells ]
-Pyotr: Look at my mouth.
-Victoria: [ Yells ]
I feel like I've been reborn...
into someone that Daddy
can finally love.
Cate: Moreno glass,
opaque but see-through.
And then also surfboard wax.
Chelsea: She talks
into the phone,
but I don't know if
she's actually doing something.
Glenn: One of the times,
she said -- in French --
"biological research,"
and that was it.
It's been four hours
with Cate Kates
yammering about nothing.
We still have no idea
what her plans
for the space are.
Chelsea:
The four hours with Glenn
have been really nice.
But I think he's right --
we need to keep
our relationship professional.
Glenn: And I am getting
incredibly crabby.
I'm getting so crabby
I'm doing a Sudoku --
that's how crabby I am.
Chelsea: I know,
and you're crushing it.
Look, she's the best.
Every house
she designs gets published.
We need that.
-Glenn: Is she the best?
'Cause I think she's terrible.
All right?
Do we actually need her
to sell this house?
Do we?
Chelsea: You're a genius.
-Glenn: Who are you calling?
-Chelsea: Hi.
Is this Kate James?
Hey, yeah, it's Chelsea.
We've reviewed
your proposal again
and we may be in need
of your services.
Oh, you are available?
How lucky for me.
We'll get in touch
about the details.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Thank you so much.
All right, bye-bye.
-Glenn: Wow!
That is great news
to hear about Kate James.
Cate: Oh,
she's not in contention
for this project, is she?
Because I really don't think --
she's very heavy-handed.
Glenn: Right now,
she's got a lot of heat on her,
so it might be worth exploring.
I don't know.
Cate: Kate James wouldn't even
hold a candle
to my plans, so...
Chelsea: Just like,
out of curiosity,
what are you thinking?
-Cate: Well, I do think
that we just retain
the Art Deco nature.
I mean,
the house is what it is, right?
I mean, we're not gonna fight
against it
because it's such
a beautiful piece.
But I think
it does need more color.
I would definitely go blues.
Olives aren't doing anything
for anyone.
And then I think
we need a pop of color.
Chelsea: A pop of what color,
specifically?
-Cate: Hot pink.
-Chelsea: Great.
Cate: I'll put together
a proposal for you,
and I will e-mail you.
Chelsea: Yee!
-Glenn: That was smooth.
-Chelsea: We're a good team.
Yeah, I'm not gonna be able
to keep it professional.
Grimsley: Now,
where are you going?
Amir:
No, I'm done with this!
I'm done!
Sure,
I've been depressed lately.
But these two idiots
aren't gonna help me.
Pyotr: Come on,
you're acting out.
Grimsley: Body and soul.
Pyotr: You're furious at mommy
and daddy, and they love you.
Everyone come around.
They know.
Grimsley:
Amir's soul has no song.
So let's help him
find a soul song.
Amir: My soul has no song,
I'm sorry.
My soul doesn't need a song!
What does this have to do
with real estate anyway?
All anybody needs to know
is that I'm a closer.
Grimsley: I'm right here,
I'm right here.
Who are you?
What do you want?
-Pyotr: Simply, who are you?
-Grimsley: What is music to you?
Amir: I am a closer.
Grimsley:
B-flat, say it in a B-flat.
Amir: What does --
I don't even know what --
-Pyotr: ♪ B-flat ♪
-Grimsley: ♪ B-flat ♪
-Amir: I'm a closer.
-Grimsley: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
Okay, good,
breathe, breathe.
-Pyotr: Use your diaphragm.
-Grimsley: Open this channel.
All right, good.
-Pyotr: Open your sit bones.
Grimsley: Let your tongue
allow the process.
-Pyotr: I am a what?
-Grimsley: Out, out and in,
and out and up.
-Pyotr: Breathe, noises, yes.
-Grimsley: Up.
Pyotr: Make a noise.
Grimsley: This is how singers
do it, okay?
Just like that.
-Pyotr: What are you?
Grimsley: Let it out, Amir.
Amir: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ It's plain to see ♪
♪ I am a closer ♪
Pyotr: He's an angel.
Amir: ♪ Look at me ♪
Grimsley: Good, yeah!
Pyotr: We are.
Keep going, keep going.
Amir: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ Watch me go ♪
♪ I am a closer ♪
♪ It's all I know ♪
All: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ It's plain to see ♪
Pyotr: Support!
All: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ Look at me ♪
Grimsley: You are!
All: ♪ I am a closer ♪
♪ Watch me go ♪
♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ It's all I know ♪
Pyotr: 5, 6, 7, 8.
All: ♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ It's plain to see ♪
♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ Watch me go ♪
♪ I'm a closer ♪
♪ It's all I know ♪
Dean: ♪ I am a man ♪
♪ Who has beheld wonders ♪
♪ Yes, I'm truly blessed ♪
♪ But to see you ♪
♪ Rectify your blunders ♪
♪ That makes this life
truly the best ♪
I thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you very much
for everything you've done.
Wonderful work here today.
I appreciate it,
and I think we're well
on our way
to winning that top prize
at the awards show.
Pyotr: Yes, you are.
Yes, thank you.
Amir: That was beautiful.
I -- I feel beautiful.
Grimsley:
Thank you so much.
Yeah, we need to get paid.
Dean: This way
to the secret vault.
Grimsley:
That's really great.
Amir: I mean, guys,
I really couldn't have done that
if I didn't
have your support.
Andrew: You looked very stupid
doing it.
Glenn: That was...
really dumb looking.
Victoria: Did you
feel stupid doing it?
You must have felt stupid.
Baxter: Honestly...
I sucked a dick 30 minutes ago,
and what you just did
was gayer than that.
Victoria: Mmm.
Amir: Yeah, I know.
'Cause it was a joke.
It was a joke, guys!
I was just joking!
[ Laughs ]
It was just so stupid.
♪ I am a closer ♪
♪ It's all I know ♪