Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Victoria Awakens - full transcript
Baxter: Previously, on
"Bajillion Dollar Properties"...
Dean: In 8 weeks' time,
I'm going to take on
a partner here at Platinum.
Victoria: My whole life has been
building up to this moment.
Dean: Glenn, I need you to be
my eyes and ears among them.
Amir: Glenn's definitely
Dean's son, right?
Am I the only one who sees this?
Dean: Please say hello
to my new partner at Platinum,
Glenn Bouchard.
Amir: What?
-Victoria: What?
Aaaaaaah!
-[Shouting]
Glenn: Welcome to the age
of New Glenn.
♪ [Rattle] ♪
♪♪
It's been three months
since Dean made me partner.
Best three months of my life.
This is mine.
This car is sex on wheels,
and Glenn's putting it in drive.
Hi, yeah,
this is Glenn Bouchard.
I recently leased an automobile
from your dealership.
Yeah, so I need help
getting it in drive again.
All right.
Nope, didn't work.
Can you have someone
from the dealership come
and meet me here?
[Whimsical tune plays]
I don't have an office, yet,
but I've pimped out my cubicle
to reflect my new status.
I'm your partner now.
Yes, I'm your boss,
but we can still have
the same fun work relationship
that we always had, all right?
Baxter: Can you stay
away from us at all times?
Andrew: Just like
keep your distance,
and it's for your own safety,
'cause I --
Baxter: We're bullies,
deep down.
Chelsea: When Glenn
got the partnership,
I lost it and unplugged
from all social media.
For like a day.
Part of a day.
An hour.
If you click
"housekeeping things",
if you want to send over
the earnest money,
you could PayPal that over,
but I really prefer Venmo.
I think it's a little
more egalitarian,
a little more current.
Oh, and I'll be sure
to have my sellers
tweet you over
the code to the alarm.
Yay!
[ Arguing indistinctly ]
Amir: Yes, my plans for the
partnership were thwarted.
For now. But a great man
once said,
"Labeled flop,
but Pit don't stop."
It was Pitbull.
Man: You can pick your mom,
or you can pick your aunt.
You can't have both
with us, okay?
Woman: My mom and my aunt
are a thing, they're a thing.
Amir: Okay.
There's good news and bad news.
The bad news is you guys
are gonna get divorced.
The good new is I am going to
help you each find
separate homes.
There you go.
This one has
my direct line on it.
Man: Okay, all right,
that's enough, thank you.
Amir: [Smooch]
Andrew: Of course we were bummed
when we didn't get
the partnership.
-Baxter: But we're adults
and adults dust themself off
and move on with dignity.
Andrew: Ooogh!
That's why this backyard
is perfect.
Baxter: See,
you could even go longer.
We're gonna get in!
-Andrew: Ah! Oh!
We're gonna get in on the ground
floor on this property!
Andrew: Let's do it
six more times,
and then we'll go inside.
♪♪
♪♪
Baxter: Dean called a staff
meeting this morning.
Andrew: Apparently,
he has some exciting news.
Dean: Ladies and gentlemen,
may I invite all of you
to shut up?
I have, here in this
panther-skin binder,
the nominees for the 88th Annual
Greater Los Angeles Regional
Real Estate Awards.
-Andrew: Oh, boy.
Dean: And let me
tell you something:
Platinum has done quite well.
[ Cheering ]
Best Writing,
Adapted Listing Description,
our own Chelsea Leight-Leigh.
Chelsea: Who's that?
Who's that?
I integrated Yo Gotti's
"Down in the DM"
in my description of a property
in the Trousdale Estates.
[baritone]
"Snapchat me that listing."
Dean: Best Supporting Realtor,
Amir Yaghoob.
[Cheering]
Chelsea: Okay.
Amir: We all know
I'm a lead broker,
but the competition's
too fierce.
Why lose to the best
when you can beat out the worst?
Dean: Best Visual Effects
at an Open House, of course,
Baxter Reynolds
and Andrew Wright.
Baxter: Ye-e-e-s!
-Andrew: Ye-e-e-s!
The $50,000 laser show
was worth the multiple lawsuits.
Baxter: Half
the crowd got vertigo,
half the crowd
were temporarily blinded.
Andrew: One cat lost
its mind, went crazy.
Baxter: He was nuts.
-Andrew: He went crazy.
Dean: Most Improved,
Glenn Bouchard.
Glenn: Oh, yeah.
The ceiling is above me, Dean.
Dean: Always.
-Glenn: Yes.
Dean: And we're nominated
for many more awards,
[Suspenseful music plays]
but there's only one
that I really care about.
[Ominous chord strikes]
Platinum has been nominated
for Best Brokerage!
That's right!
-Chelsea: Yes!
Andrew: Ow!
-Dean: That's right.
We are up against
our old foes, Infinity,
and I will not let them win.
Serge: How about that?
How you like that?
How you like that?
Dean: Infinity will not stand
in the way of my dream
of achieving TODD:
Tony, Oscar, Diamond Dealmaker.
Chelsea: Diamond Dealmakers are
our industry's Oscar trophies
and Dean is obsessed
with getting a TODD.
A TODD is like an EGOT,
but not shitty.
Dean: Now, I already have
a Tony and an Oscar.
All I need is that double-D
to achieve TODD status.
-We're gonna bring it home.
Chelsea: Yeah.
Dean: Are you going
to help me get TODD?
Are we going to get TODD?
-Chelsea: Yes!
Dean: We want TODD!
-Andrew: We want TODD.
All: [chanting] TODD, TODD!
TODD! TODD! TODD! TODD!
Dean: That's right.
-All: TODD! TODD! TODD! TODD!
TODD, TODD,
TODD, TODD, TODD, TODD!
Todd: Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd!
Dean: What are you doing here?
We're having a meeting.
Todd: My name is Todd.
-Dean: Yes, I know.
Todd: You were chanting "Todd."
Dean: We weren't chanting
the name Todd,
we were chanting
the acronym TODD.
We were not calling for you.
[ Whimsical tune plays ]
Todd: Fuck you all.
Dean: What a rude laborer.
All: [whispering] TODD, TODD,
TODD, TODD, TODD, TODD, TODD.
Dean: I need all of you
to work very hard, indeed.
You have to work hard, Andrew.
-Andrew: Yeah.
Dean: You have to
work hard, Baxter.
You have to work hard,
Glenn, very hard. Yes, Amir,
you also have to work hard.
-Amir: You know it.
Dean: Chelsea,
you have to work hard.
Chelsea: On it.
-Dean: Victoria, you --
[ Suspenseful music climbs ]
Where's Victoria?
Where is Victoria?!
Why is she not
in Victoria's chair?
This is highly irregular!
Glenn: Dean,
I thought she was there,
and then I looked at the chair
-Chelsea: Yeah.
Glenn: and she's not there.
Dean: Glenn, this is exactly
the experience that I had!
Andrew: She's probably
somewhere else.
Amir: Maybe she's taking a dump
and has her period.
Dean: Amir!
I don't like your crude filth.
We've talked about this.
This is bad news.
Victoria is nominated
for more awards --
Andrew: Oh, shit!
-Dean: Ohhh.
Baxter: Oh, shit.
-Ohhh.
Dean: Todd.
-Todd.
All: Todd! Todd!
Todd!
-Woman: Todd!
Todd! Todd!
Todd! Todd!
Baxter: What do we do
when this happens?
Dean: I don't know!
[ Melancholy tune plays ]
[Suspenseful chord strikes]
Victoria: How have I been
since Glenn's promotion?
Over the moon!
Now, turn off the lights
and leave!
Leave!
[ Suspenseful music climbs ]
And give me that doughnut.
♪♪
Glenn: Everything's been
going great,
but there's one little problem:
I haven't sold a single house.
[Ominous chord strikes]
[Eerie music plays]
I haven't told Dean yet.
I can't tell
who's more threatening:
him or the Mercedes dealership.
This is the dining room,
-Woman: Yeah.
Glenn: that, obviously, has
a little bit of pizzazz to it.
Woman: Ocean views?
Glenn: Yes.
-Woman: Are you kidding me?
Glenn: It opens up
onto the patio there --
Woman: I could have
my coffee out there.
Glenn: Of course.
You have your coffee in here,
you could have
your coffee right here.
The furniture all comes
with the property.
Woman: The furniture conveys.
-Glenn: Mm-hmm.
Woman: Oh, my God.
Justin will love that.
I think.
-Glenn: I wish he were here.
Woman: I know. I'm assuming
you have multiple offers?
Glenn: Yes, I do.
-Woman: Okay.
Glenn: There are a lot of people
looking at this property
right now.
That's a lie.
I'm lying. I'm a liar.
Woman: Okay, here's the thing:
Justin is in Asia on business.
I just don't know what to do
because he hasn't seen it.
Glenn: Well,
there is a video tour
that's one of the links
on the property listing.
Woman: I was hoping --
and I know this is
a little avant-garde --
I was thinking maybe we could do
a little role playing,
and you could actually
play Justin,
so I could just get a sense
of how the two of us
kind of "vibe" in this house.
Glenn: Yeah, of course, okay.
-Woman: Is that weird?
Glenn: No, no, it's fine.
-Woman: Sorry.
Glenn: I'll be Justin, sure.
-Woman: Okay, well,
why don't you just
try Justin on for size.
Let's say goodbye to Glenn.
Glenn: All right.
-Woman: Great.
Glenn: Hey, babe, I love
this place, so far, yeah.
Woman: Yeah?
You like it, babe?
Glenn: Yeah, I think this table
-Woman: I mean --
Glenn: is pretty cute
and you seem
like you're diggin' it.
Woman: I've prepared dinner.
Should we eat?
Glenn: Yeah. I'm starving.
Yeah. I love it.
This stuff smells great, babe.
I love the way you cook
and --
Woman: No, wait,
I gotta stop you there.
He...
Glenn: Okay.
-Woman: Doesn't love my cooking.
Glenn: Oh,
I'll take it back then.
Babe, this stuff
smells like trash,
but it looks gorgeous
on this table,
which comes with the property.
Woman: What are you
talking about, Justin?
Glenn: Uh --
-Woman: Sorry,
I think you're getting
a little confused.
Glenn: Sorry.
I'm gonna make a choice,
and then, hopefully,
you just tweak it, okay?
Woman: Okay.
-Glenn: All right.
[ Woman sighs ]
Glenn: When I come home,
I just don't want to hear
this kind of shit from you.
[laughs]
Woman: Yeah, well.
Dr. Franklin called.
Glenn: What did he say,
you're drinking too much wine?
Woman: Dr. Franklin said your
sperm count was incredibly low.
And I didn't want to tell you.
I said, "That'll humiliate him."
Glenn: Maybe it'd be
a little bit higher
if I were more turned on
in the bedroom.
Woman: [crying] Wow.
-Glenn: You're tryin' to ask me
to make a baby and you're
bringin' Target panties to bed?
Woman: You know what?
Do the dishes, okay?
And I'll just be upstairs
watching TV, again.
Glenn: Fine.
-Woman: Honestly,
I've fucking had it with you.
I'm outta here.
-Glenn: Well, I'm gonna
follow you,
'cause I love this property
and I wanna know more about it.
-Woman: What?!
Glenn: Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Woman: Yeah, that wasn't --
Let me storm off.
Glenn: Okay, yeah, okay.
-Woman: I'm outta here!
Glenn: Fine!
-Woman: Don't follow me.
Glenn: Well,
if you go to the bedroom,
that's where I want to sleep.
-Woman: Okay.
Glenn: And if I get horny,
I'm gonna take what's mine.
Woman: Justin.
-Glenn: Yeah.
[Suspenseful music plays]
Woman: Let's continue.
Glenn: Okay.
Woman: Excuse me.
[Suspenseful music climbs]
♪♪
Amir: A listing of mine has sat
on the market for months,
and I'm desperate
to figure out what's wrong.
So I called in the Bloodhound.
This guy literally sniffs out
the hidden problems in a house.
I mean, I gotta say it's truly
an honor to have you.
It's not that you even
answered my phone call.
I've heard about your work,
Bloodhound, and --
[Sitar plays]
Do you think that I can
sell this h--
-Bloodhound: Shh.
Okay.
Amir: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, if there's a smell
that you think can help
sell this house,
whatever you think --
-Bloodhound: This house
will be sold. The problem
you're having right now is
that I'm smelling a lot
of other past smells.
Ghost smells, we call them.
-Amir: Really?
Bloodhound: Give me a second.
Yeah, there was a murder.
Maybe two.
Right here.
[sniff]
I'm picking up a lot of blood.
It's stabbing blood,
not period blood.
[sniff] Yeah.
That's elephant blood.
Amir: It's actually
not that weird.
Some rich people
who don't have time
to go on an actual safari
will fly in exotic animals
and hunt them from the comfort
of their own home.
Bloodhound: I think
the fix-it is caramel.
Or maybe a hot chocolate.
I don't know yet.
Hot chocolate's not gonna work.
Amir: Amazing.
♪♪
Andrew: So Dean is convinced
that we can't win Best Brokerage
without Victoria
and he said one of us needs
to go check on her.
He thought I volunteered,
but I was swatting a ladybug.
Victoria?
[ Suspenseful music climbs ]
Victoria!
Jesus Christ.
Wow-ow.
Victoria: What do you want,
Andrew?
Andrew: What happened?
-Victoria: Ugh.
If you wanna have sex,
-Andrew: Wh...?
Victoria: I'm not interested.
Andrew: Okay, well,
that was one of my questions.
But we can go down that road
a little later, if it comes up.
And, right now,
it's not coming up.
We noticed you weren't
in the office
and we got a little worried.
Victoria: Oh, you noticed?
You noticed I've been gone?
Andrew: Yeah. I got picked
to come and check on you.
Victoria: Well, you checked.
I'm doing fantastic, you know.
[Eerie music plays]
Andrew: You don't look
fantastic.
Victoria: I feel fantastic.
Andrew: It smells.
[Ominous chord strikes]
It smells horrid.
Victoria: Well, I didn't know
guests were coming over, okay?
Andrew: This is not --
you would need a lot of warning,
if guests were coming over.
Victoria: What do you want,
Andrew?
Andrew: We're just worried
about you, Victoria.
I mean, as weird
as that may sound,
because, normally, we don't care
about you, but we were --
We were like "Something's
missing from the office."
Victoria: Like the person
who should've been partner?
Was that --
was that person missing?
Glenn's just walking around,
"Oh, I'm the new partner.
I didn't work hard for this.
I don't deserve this.
Victoria does,
but now I'm the new partner."
Andrew: He doesn't walk
around saying that.
Victoria:
There's no reason for me
to come back to the office
and continue to work like that
when Dean obviously
doesn't notice.
So, this is fine.
I've got the MLS.
I'm doin' the little work
that I need to do
and this is my new life
now, you know?
This is my new --
this is my new life.
Andrew: Whoa. [cough]
Victoria: I'm gonna do
the bare minimum
that I need to do to get by,
and that's it.
Andrew: Bare minimum?
-Victoria: Yeah.
Andrew: Shit, yeah.
-Victoria: What?
Andrew: That's how I make it.
I don't get stressed
about anything 'cause I do
the bare minimum.
Not 'cause I want to,
not 'cause I could do more.
I'm a idiot.
Victoria,
you don't have to be sad.
We're both doing
the bare minimum.
You're like Andrew.
Victoria and Andrew.
Now we have somebody.
Victoria: I'm Andrew?
[Suspenseful chord strikes]
Andrew: This is like looking
in a mirror right now --
except for this.
[Sinister violin music plays]
That should cheer you up, right?
Victoria: Stop talking.
-Andrew: We're the same person.
We're like one person.
We're the same person.
[Sinister violin music
intensifies]
♪♪
Amir: The Bloodhound
is a mysterious man
with mysterious ways.
Also, he never
stops smelling shit.
[Sitar plays]
[Sniffing]
Bloodhound: Yeah,
that's lead paint.
Amir: Is it paint?
-Bloodhound: Yeah, lead paint.
Amir: Lead paint?!
None of the inspection reports
said anything about lead.
Bloodhound: You need to burn
this house to the ground.
Amir: What?
-Bloodhound: You're not gonna
sell it. If the state
finds out you're trying
to sell a house like this,
with all this lead paint --
Amir: This is
a Frank Lloyd Wright house.
I don't think --
-Bloodhound: This is
a Frank Lloyd Wrong house,
my boy.
This is a Frank Lloyd Wrong
house.
Amir: Okay, Frank Lloyd Wright
did not design the house.
But he did sleep here
for two nights in 1957.
Either way,
I am not burning it down.
This is costing me $10,000,
for you to tell me to burn
the house down?
Bloodhound: What if a little
2-year-old comes in here
and starts eating the wall?
Guess what.
They're gonna be in prison
in six years
because of the violence
that gets into their brain.
Amir: I'm no Bloodhound, but
something doesn't smell right.
Can I ask you a question?
-Bloodhound: Yeah.
Amir: And I don't mean
to be offensive here,
but what authority do you have
on smells, like?
Bloodhound: I wrote my thesis on
16th-century Russian flatulence
called "Glad I'm Here
Pootin'." [Putin]
Amir: Russian farts?
-Bloodhound: I got my Master's
degree from Ucla. [uhk-luh]
Amir: Does he mean UCLA?
Bloodhound: Do you know
nothing about smelling?
Amir: I don't know a lot
about smelling,
that's why I hired you.
-Bloodhound: Look, when --
when I was a kid and I would
enter the smelling bees --
Amir: Smelling bees?
That's a thing?
Bloodhound:
Where are you from, son?
Amir: I grew up in L.A.
-Bloodhound: [Scoff]
Yeah, in real America,
there's something called
smelling bees, you know,
in elementary school;
you get up and you smell things.
You smell chalk;
you smell the lunch lady.
It's a smelling bee.
Amir: I smell bullshit.
That's an amazing story.
Bloodhound:
It's an amazing world.
Anything's possible.
You can fuckin' scam anybody.
[Sinister music plays]
Amir: What? Did you just say
you could scam anybody?
Bloodhound: The lights not work?
Amir: Get the f-- Get over here!
-Bloodhound: Just step away
from me. Step away from me.
-Amir: Give me my money back.
Bloodhound: This is a sample
of what you're gonna get.
Amir: Give me my money back!
-Bloodhound: This is a sample
of what you're gonna get!
-Amir: Give me my money back!
Bloodhound: This is it!
-Amir: Give me my money back!
Oh, shit. Fuck.
Hello? Bloodhound.
I have your hat!
I have your fucking hat!
Damn it!
♪♪
Glenn: Role playing
as my client's husband
has definitely been
strange, but,
I haven't been doing this
for long and, for all I know,
this is a normal part
of real estate.
There are a lot
of layers to this house.
It's almost like an onion that's
not going to make you cry.
Woman: [laughs] I love it.
But, um,
let's just pause
because I just don't know
how Justin's gonna feel
about it.
Glenn: Oh, well,
if you want, we can see
how Justin feels about it.
-Woman: Well, I was actually
thinking maybe, you know,
you and Justin could talk.
Glenn: Oh.
All right, all right.
Justin, do
you have any questions,
so far, about the property,
or...?
Questions,
per se, I don't know.
I really like it, so far.
Woman: Maybe about the,
-Glenn: Hm?
you know, the finances
of it all, you know?
Glenn: Sure, sure.
I'd love to know how much --
how big the escrow
account has to be
before we move on this.
Oh, yeah, that's a --
that's a great question. So,
the escrow account would be --
-Woman: Glenn, you wanna ask him
just a little bit
about his credit because
[whispering] that may be
an issue down the line.
Glenn: Okay, well --
-Woman: Ask gently. [laughs]
Glenn: Okay, well,
credit-wise, obviously,
we have a lot of clients come
to us in different places.
So we understand
where you're at.
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, right now --
Woman: Justin would be
pret-ty upset by that.
I mean, he's a redblooded man.
[laughs]
Glenn: Okay. Good to know.
Good to know.
Uh, what are you tryin'
to say, man?
I can't believe you would ask me
something like that
in front of my loving wife.
-Woman: Yeah, that's not right.
Glenn: Well, I didn't mean
anything by it. I just --
Woman: Let him talk to you
like that, Glenn?
Glenn: Um, hey, okay,
don't talk to me like that.
Woman: You want a sale,
but you're not a complete pussy.
Glenn: Yeah,
I'm not a complete pussy.
I think you are
a complete pussy.
And you know
what I do to pussies.
Tell him what I do
to pussies, honey.
[ Woman laughs ]
Glenn: [chuckle] Tell him.
-Woman: Well, he fucks them.
[Sinister music plays]
Glenn: Oh, my God. I don't --
I'm not trying
to start anything right now.
Well, too late, you already
started something, all right?
Woman: Ooh!
-Glenn: Whoa.
Woman: Whoa! [laughs]
Glenn, careful.
Oh, my God.
You guys, stop fighting.
Glenn: Hey, whoa.
You don't need to take it there.
Woman: Stop fighting.
-Glenn: Stop fighting? Ahh!
Woman: Oh, my God.
Glenn: You like that?
I'm so sorry, Glenn.
-Glenn: No, you love it.
You love it. You stay right
there and you watch this, huh.
Uh! Uh!
-Woman: Oh, my God! Glenn!
Glenn: Ah, my crotch.
-Woman: Are you okay, Glenn?
Glenn: No, he kneed my crotch.
-Woman: I'm -- I'm sorry.
Glenn: He punched my stomach.
-Woman: Help him up!
Glenn: Anh! Anh!
-Woman: [gasp] Oh, my God!
Glenn: I slapped him
like a pimp slaps a bitch.
Woman: Oh, my God! Glenn.
I'm calling -- You know what?
Glenn: Yeah.
-Woman: Why do you always
do this?!
-Glenn: Ah! Ahh! Ah.
Woman: I'm sorry.
I'm embarrassed.
Glenn: You gotta protect me.
-Woman: I'm sorry.
He's a monster sometimes.
-Glenn: Ohhhhh!
Woman: Stop it!
No, just leave him alone!
All right.
All right, tell him we'll be
out in five minutes.
Glenn: No, I have to stay
with you
while the tour is happening.
-Woman: Just give us
Glenn: I don't care.
-Woman: 5 minutes!
Glenn: I don't care
that he's here.
Woman: No, honey, we shouldn't.
-Glenn: No, it's fine.
Keep going.
-Woman: Yeah?
Glenn: Whatever it takes
to make the sale.
Woman: Are you gonna be okay?
-Glenn: He's gonna be fine.
Don't even worry about it.
-Woman: I don't feel right
about this.
-Glenn: Do you not want this?
Woman: I do, it's just, with
all our fertility problems --
Glenn: Oh, my God,
you're gonna bring this up now?
Woman: I'm sorry! It's just --
-Glenn: You know,
a lot of guys go through
fertility problems.
Woman: Glenn, could you
give us a little space?
Glenn: I'm sorry, yeah.
[Melancholy tune plays]
What, you're not
in the mood anymore?
Woman: No, it's not
that I'm not in the mood,
it's just like
we haven't had sex in months.
Glenn: Hey.
Tell me what you want,
and I'll deliver.
Woman: I want this house.
Glenn: I want it, too.
Uh...
Woman: Glenn, I think
we're ready to write an offer.
Glenn: If you two want a moment.
-Woman: I mean, if Justin --
Yeah.
-Glenn: I'll be right back.
Woman: Okay.
Let's do it, babe.
Glenn: Let's get this house.
-[Woman laughs]
Glenn: Okay?
-Woman: Is Glenn okay?
He's a little weird, right?
-Glenn: Yeah. We don't have to
worry about him.
-Woman: [whispering] He's gay.
Glenn: Is he gay?
I don't think that he's gay.
He seems about
as masculine as I am.
I sold my first house!
I can keep my Mercedes!
♪♪
[ Sinister music plays ]
Andrew: We're the same person.
We are peas in a pod.
I got my little Doppelganger --
or my Doppel-banger.
-Victoria: [distorted] No.
No.
[ Suspenseful music climbs ]
I'm not an Andrew.
I'm a Victoria
and it's time for me
to get back to Platinum
and win every damn Diamond
Dealmaker I was nominated for!
The bitch is back.
[Ominous chord strikes]
♪♪
Dean: 2, 3.
Well, well, well.
Victoria: The prodigal wife
returns. [laughs]
Dean: I don't believe
that's the expression.
Victoria: I'm back.
Dean: It's the Prodigal Son,
is the expression.
-Victoria: You can interchange.
Dean: How did wife get in there?
-Victoria: Me to you.
Dean: We are not married.
-Victoria: Not yet.
Dean: That is
how we shall remain.
Victoria: Can I sit here, Dean?
-Dean: Sit on a chair.
Victoria: Great. Dean,
before I get back to work --
which,
I'm excited to be here --
I need to clear
some things up between us.
Dean: Are you certain
you need to do this?
Victoria: Just get it settled.
-Dean: You may say
what you need to say.
-Victoria: I will.
Dean, why did you choose Glenn
as your partner over me?
Dean: So it's more
of a quest--
Victoria: Because I've been
wracking my brain
and I realized the reason
you can't have me as partner is
because the sexual tension
we feel between each other
is too much. It's too much
for you to concentrate;
it's too much for you to be
able to work beside me.
Dean: Well, that's 0% true.
Let me tell you why.
Victoria: Dean, if it's not
that, then I think I know why.
Dean: I can tell you why.
Victoria: Which is:
Glenn's transgender;
you hired him for diversity
in the office.
Dean: No, he's not transgender.
-Victoria: Okay.
Dean: He's --
-Victoria: You know for sure?
Dean: Yes, I do.
Your theories are baseless
Victoria: All right.
-Dean: and...somewhat demented.
I'm now going to tell you
-Victoria: Sure.
Dean: the actual reason.
-Victoria: What --
Dean: I need you
to not be talking.
Victoria: I just want to know --
-Dean: You mustn't --
Victoria: You're just gonna --
-Dean: Victoria.
You mustn't speak
when I say this.
Victoria: Is it happening
right now?
Dean: It's about to happen
in 3, 2...
[Suspenseful music plays]
Glenn is my son.
[ Ominous music climbs ]
I'm his father.
Blood relative.
There is no mistaking it.
Victoria: You had relations
with his mother?
Dean: Yes;
that's how sons are made.
[ Suspenseful chords strike ]
Victoria: Nepotism?
[Whimsical tune plays]
Dean, why didn't you say so?
Dean: Well.
-Victoria: Are you kidding me?
If there's one thing
I understand, it's that.
Dean: Well, I trust that this
will remain between us,
this little secret.
Victoria: Dean,
I think we can keep a secret
between us, don't you?
-Dean: I hope so.
Victoria: Well,
my lips are sealed.
[Sultry music plays]
Dean: Good, good to hear.
Victoria: Unless you need them
to be unsealed.
Dean: I do not need that, no.
-Victoria: You sure?
Dean: Positive.
-Victoria: Your mouth
is saying no, but your eyes
are saying "Please! Please!"
Dean: Please do
as my mouth says.
Victoria: I'm not gonna tell
anyone about
our arrangement.
-Dean: Which is?
Victoria: You and I,
arranged,
together.
[Sultry music continues]
Maybe if you had an open hand,
it'd would be easier to show.
Dean: What are you trying to do?
I'm going to put this away.
♪♪
[Sultry music plays]
Chelsea: She's either trying
to seduce him or she's the worst
oldtimey pickpocket artist
I've ever seen.
Andrew: Are they having
a staring contest?
Chelsea: No.
They're clearly speaking;
their mouths are moving.
Andrew: Yeah, you can talk
during a staring contest.
There's --
Amir: No, you can't.
Chelsea: Yeah.
Oh -- gah. Oh. Bye! Bye!
Andrew: Go. Go, go.
[ Scampering ]
[ Engine hums, clatter ]
"Bajillion Dollar Properties"...
Dean: In 8 weeks' time,
I'm going to take on
a partner here at Platinum.
Victoria: My whole life has been
building up to this moment.
Dean: Glenn, I need you to be
my eyes and ears among them.
Amir: Glenn's definitely
Dean's son, right?
Am I the only one who sees this?
Dean: Please say hello
to my new partner at Platinum,
Glenn Bouchard.
Amir: What?
-Victoria: What?
Aaaaaaah!
-[Shouting]
Glenn: Welcome to the age
of New Glenn.
♪ [Rattle] ♪
♪♪
It's been three months
since Dean made me partner.
Best three months of my life.
This is mine.
This car is sex on wheels,
and Glenn's putting it in drive.
Hi, yeah,
this is Glenn Bouchard.
I recently leased an automobile
from your dealership.
Yeah, so I need help
getting it in drive again.
All right.
Nope, didn't work.
Can you have someone
from the dealership come
and meet me here?
[Whimsical tune plays]
I don't have an office, yet,
but I've pimped out my cubicle
to reflect my new status.
I'm your partner now.
Yes, I'm your boss,
but we can still have
the same fun work relationship
that we always had, all right?
Baxter: Can you stay
away from us at all times?
Andrew: Just like
keep your distance,
and it's for your own safety,
'cause I --
Baxter: We're bullies,
deep down.
Chelsea: When Glenn
got the partnership,
I lost it and unplugged
from all social media.
For like a day.
Part of a day.
An hour.
If you click
"housekeeping things",
if you want to send over
the earnest money,
you could PayPal that over,
but I really prefer Venmo.
I think it's a little
more egalitarian,
a little more current.
Oh, and I'll be sure
to have my sellers
tweet you over
the code to the alarm.
Yay!
[ Arguing indistinctly ]
Amir: Yes, my plans for the
partnership were thwarted.
For now. But a great man
once said,
"Labeled flop,
but Pit don't stop."
It was Pitbull.
Man: You can pick your mom,
or you can pick your aunt.
You can't have both
with us, okay?
Woman: My mom and my aunt
are a thing, they're a thing.
Amir: Okay.
There's good news and bad news.
The bad news is you guys
are gonna get divorced.
The good new is I am going to
help you each find
separate homes.
There you go.
This one has
my direct line on it.
Man: Okay, all right,
that's enough, thank you.
Amir: [Smooch]
Andrew: Of course we were bummed
when we didn't get
the partnership.
-Baxter: But we're adults
and adults dust themself off
and move on with dignity.
Andrew: Ooogh!
That's why this backyard
is perfect.
Baxter: See,
you could even go longer.
We're gonna get in!
-Andrew: Ah! Oh!
We're gonna get in on the ground
floor on this property!
Andrew: Let's do it
six more times,
and then we'll go inside.
♪♪
♪♪
Baxter: Dean called a staff
meeting this morning.
Andrew: Apparently,
he has some exciting news.
Dean: Ladies and gentlemen,
may I invite all of you
to shut up?
I have, here in this
panther-skin binder,
the nominees for the 88th Annual
Greater Los Angeles Regional
Real Estate Awards.
-Andrew: Oh, boy.
Dean: And let me
tell you something:
Platinum has done quite well.
[ Cheering ]
Best Writing,
Adapted Listing Description,
our own Chelsea Leight-Leigh.
Chelsea: Who's that?
Who's that?
I integrated Yo Gotti's
"Down in the DM"
in my description of a property
in the Trousdale Estates.
[baritone]
"Snapchat me that listing."
Dean: Best Supporting Realtor,
Amir Yaghoob.
[Cheering]
Chelsea: Okay.
Amir: We all know
I'm a lead broker,
but the competition's
too fierce.
Why lose to the best
when you can beat out the worst?
Dean: Best Visual Effects
at an Open House, of course,
Baxter Reynolds
and Andrew Wright.
Baxter: Ye-e-e-s!
-Andrew: Ye-e-e-s!
The $50,000 laser show
was worth the multiple lawsuits.
Baxter: Half
the crowd got vertigo,
half the crowd
were temporarily blinded.
Andrew: One cat lost
its mind, went crazy.
Baxter: He was nuts.
-Andrew: He went crazy.
Dean: Most Improved,
Glenn Bouchard.
Glenn: Oh, yeah.
The ceiling is above me, Dean.
Dean: Always.
-Glenn: Yes.
Dean: And we're nominated
for many more awards,
[Suspenseful music plays]
but there's only one
that I really care about.
[Ominous chord strikes]
Platinum has been nominated
for Best Brokerage!
That's right!
-Chelsea: Yes!
Andrew: Ow!
-Dean: That's right.
We are up against
our old foes, Infinity,
and I will not let them win.
Serge: How about that?
How you like that?
How you like that?
Dean: Infinity will not stand
in the way of my dream
of achieving TODD:
Tony, Oscar, Diamond Dealmaker.
Chelsea: Diamond Dealmakers are
our industry's Oscar trophies
and Dean is obsessed
with getting a TODD.
A TODD is like an EGOT,
but not shitty.
Dean: Now, I already have
a Tony and an Oscar.
All I need is that double-D
to achieve TODD status.
-We're gonna bring it home.
Chelsea: Yeah.
Dean: Are you going
to help me get TODD?
Are we going to get TODD?
-Chelsea: Yes!
Dean: We want TODD!
-Andrew: We want TODD.
All: [chanting] TODD, TODD!
TODD! TODD! TODD! TODD!
Dean: That's right.
-All: TODD! TODD! TODD! TODD!
TODD, TODD,
TODD, TODD, TODD, TODD!
Todd: Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd!
Dean: What are you doing here?
We're having a meeting.
Todd: My name is Todd.
-Dean: Yes, I know.
Todd: You were chanting "Todd."
Dean: We weren't chanting
the name Todd,
we were chanting
the acronym TODD.
We were not calling for you.
[ Whimsical tune plays ]
Todd: Fuck you all.
Dean: What a rude laborer.
All: [whispering] TODD, TODD,
TODD, TODD, TODD, TODD, TODD.
Dean: I need all of you
to work very hard, indeed.
You have to work hard, Andrew.
-Andrew: Yeah.
Dean: You have to
work hard, Baxter.
You have to work hard,
Glenn, very hard. Yes, Amir,
you also have to work hard.
-Amir: You know it.
Dean: Chelsea,
you have to work hard.
Chelsea: On it.
-Dean: Victoria, you --
[ Suspenseful music climbs ]
Where's Victoria?
Where is Victoria?!
Why is she not
in Victoria's chair?
This is highly irregular!
Glenn: Dean,
I thought she was there,
and then I looked at the chair
-Chelsea: Yeah.
Glenn: and she's not there.
Dean: Glenn, this is exactly
the experience that I had!
Andrew: She's probably
somewhere else.
Amir: Maybe she's taking a dump
and has her period.
Dean: Amir!
I don't like your crude filth.
We've talked about this.
This is bad news.
Victoria is nominated
for more awards --
Andrew: Oh, shit!
-Dean: Ohhh.
Baxter: Oh, shit.
-Ohhh.
Dean: Todd.
-Todd.
All: Todd! Todd!
Todd!
-Woman: Todd!
Todd! Todd!
Todd! Todd!
Baxter: What do we do
when this happens?
Dean: I don't know!
[ Melancholy tune plays ]
[Suspenseful chord strikes]
Victoria: How have I been
since Glenn's promotion?
Over the moon!
Now, turn off the lights
and leave!
Leave!
[ Suspenseful music climbs ]
And give me that doughnut.
♪♪
Glenn: Everything's been
going great,
but there's one little problem:
I haven't sold a single house.
[Ominous chord strikes]
[Eerie music plays]
I haven't told Dean yet.
I can't tell
who's more threatening:
him or the Mercedes dealership.
This is the dining room,
-Woman: Yeah.
Glenn: that, obviously, has
a little bit of pizzazz to it.
Woman: Ocean views?
Glenn: Yes.
-Woman: Are you kidding me?
Glenn: It opens up
onto the patio there --
Woman: I could have
my coffee out there.
Glenn: Of course.
You have your coffee in here,
you could have
your coffee right here.
The furniture all comes
with the property.
Woman: The furniture conveys.
-Glenn: Mm-hmm.
Woman: Oh, my God.
Justin will love that.
I think.
-Glenn: I wish he were here.
Woman: I know. I'm assuming
you have multiple offers?
Glenn: Yes, I do.
-Woman: Okay.
Glenn: There are a lot of people
looking at this property
right now.
That's a lie.
I'm lying. I'm a liar.
Woman: Okay, here's the thing:
Justin is in Asia on business.
I just don't know what to do
because he hasn't seen it.
Glenn: Well,
there is a video tour
that's one of the links
on the property listing.
Woman: I was hoping --
and I know this is
a little avant-garde --
I was thinking maybe we could do
a little role playing,
and you could actually
play Justin,
so I could just get a sense
of how the two of us
kind of "vibe" in this house.
Glenn: Yeah, of course, okay.
-Woman: Is that weird?
Glenn: No, no, it's fine.
-Woman: Sorry.
Glenn: I'll be Justin, sure.
-Woman: Okay, well,
why don't you just
try Justin on for size.
Let's say goodbye to Glenn.
Glenn: All right.
-Woman: Great.
Glenn: Hey, babe, I love
this place, so far, yeah.
Woman: Yeah?
You like it, babe?
Glenn: Yeah, I think this table
-Woman: I mean --
Glenn: is pretty cute
and you seem
like you're diggin' it.
Woman: I've prepared dinner.
Should we eat?
Glenn: Yeah. I'm starving.
Yeah. I love it.
This stuff smells great, babe.
I love the way you cook
and --
Woman: No, wait,
I gotta stop you there.
He...
Glenn: Okay.
-Woman: Doesn't love my cooking.
Glenn: Oh,
I'll take it back then.
Babe, this stuff
smells like trash,
but it looks gorgeous
on this table,
which comes with the property.
Woman: What are you
talking about, Justin?
Glenn: Uh --
-Woman: Sorry,
I think you're getting
a little confused.
Glenn: Sorry.
I'm gonna make a choice,
and then, hopefully,
you just tweak it, okay?
Woman: Okay.
-Glenn: All right.
[ Woman sighs ]
Glenn: When I come home,
I just don't want to hear
this kind of shit from you.
[laughs]
Woman: Yeah, well.
Dr. Franklin called.
Glenn: What did he say,
you're drinking too much wine?
Woman: Dr. Franklin said your
sperm count was incredibly low.
And I didn't want to tell you.
I said, "That'll humiliate him."
Glenn: Maybe it'd be
a little bit higher
if I were more turned on
in the bedroom.
Woman: [crying] Wow.
-Glenn: You're tryin' to ask me
to make a baby and you're
bringin' Target panties to bed?
Woman: You know what?
Do the dishes, okay?
And I'll just be upstairs
watching TV, again.
Glenn: Fine.
-Woman: Honestly,
I've fucking had it with you.
I'm outta here.
-Glenn: Well, I'm gonna
follow you,
'cause I love this property
and I wanna know more about it.
-Woman: What?!
Glenn: Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Woman: Yeah, that wasn't --
Let me storm off.
Glenn: Okay, yeah, okay.
-Woman: I'm outta here!
Glenn: Fine!
-Woman: Don't follow me.
Glenn: Well,
if you go to the bedroom,
that's where I want to sleep.
-Woman: Okay.
Glenn: And if I get horny,
I'm gonna take what's mine.
Woman: Justin.
-Glenn: Yeah.
[Suspenseful music plays]
Woman: Let's continue.
Glenn: Okay.
Woman: Excuse me.
[Suspenseful music climbs]
♪♪
Amir: A listing of mine has sat
on the market for months,
and I'm desperate
to figure out what's wrong.
So I called in the Bloodhound.
This guy literally sniffs out
the hidden problems in a house.
I mean, I gotta say it's truly
an honor to have you.
It's not that you even
answered my phone call.
I've heard about your work,
Bloodhound, and --
[Sitar plays]
Do you think that I can
sell this h--
-Bloodhound: Shh.
Okay.
Amir: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, if there's a smell
that you think can help
sell this house,
whatever you think --
-Bloodhound: This house
will be sold. The problem
you're having right now is
that I'm smelling a lot
of other past smells.
Ghost smells, we call them.
-Amir: Really?
Bloodhound: Give me a second.
Yeah, there was a murder.
Maybe two.
Right here.
[sniff]
I'm picking up a lot of blood.
It's stabbing blood,
not period blood.
[sniff] Yeah.
That's elephant blood.
Amir: It's actually
not that weird.
Some rich people
who don't have time
to go on an actual safari
will fly in exotic animals
and hunt them from the comfort
of their own home.
Bloodhound: I think
the fix-it is caramel.
Or maybe a hot chocolate.
I don't know yet.
Hot chocolate's not gonna work.
Amir: Amazing.
♪♪
Andrew: So Dean is convinced
that we can't win Best Brokerage
without Victoria
and he said one of us needs
to go check on her.
He thought I volunteered,
but I was swatting a ladybug.
Victoria?
[ Suspenseful music climbs ]
Victoria!
Jesus Christ.
Wow-ow.
Victoria: What do you want,
Andrew?
Andrew: What happened?
-Victoria: Ugh.
If you wanna have sex,
-Andrew: Wh...?
Victoria: I'm not interested.
Andrew: Okay, well,
that was one of my questions.
But we can go down that road
a little later, if it comes up.
And, right now,
it's not coming up.
We noticed you weren't
in the office
and we got a little worried.
Victoria: Oh, you noticed?
You noticed I've been gone?
Andrew: Yeah. I got picked
to come and check on you.
Victoria: Well, you checked.
I'm doing fantastic, you know.
[Eerie music plays]
Andrew: You don't look
fantastic.
Victoria: I feel fantastic.
Andrew: It smells.
[Ominous chord strikes]
It smells horrid.
Victoria: Well, I didn't know
guests were coming over, okay?
Andrew: This is not --
you would need a lot of warning,
if guests were coming over.
Victoria: What do you want,
Andrew?
Andrew: We're just worried
about you, Victoria.
I mean, as weird
as that may sound,
because, normally, we don't care
about you, but we were --
We were like "Something's
missing from the office."
Victoria: Like the person
who should've been partner?
Was that --
was that person missing?
Glenn's just walking around,
"Oh, I'm the new partner.
I didn't work hard for this.
I don't deserve this.
Victoria does,
but now I'm the new partner."
Andrew: He doesn't walk
around saying that.
Victoria:
There's no reason for me
to come back to the office
and continue to work like that
when Dean obviously
doesn't notice.
So, this is fine.
I've got the MLS.
I'm doin' the little work
that I need to do
and this is my new life
now, you know?
This is my new --
this is my new life.
Andrew: Whoa. [cough]
Victoria: I'm gonna do
the bare minimum
that I need to do to get by,
and that's it.
Andrew: Bare minimum?
-Victoria: Yeah.
Andrew: Shit, yeah.
-Victoria: What?
Andrew: That's how I make it.
I don't get stressed
about anything 'cause I do
the bare minimum.
Not 'cause I want to,
not 'cause I could do more.
I'm a idiot.
Victoria,
you don't have to be sad.
We're both doing
the bare minimum.
You're like Andrew.
Victoria and Andrew.
Now we have somebody.
Victoria: I'm Andrew?
[Suspenseful chord strikes]
Andrew: This is like looking
in a mirror right now --
except for this.
[Sinister violin music plays]
That should cheer you up, right?
Victoria: Stop talking.
-Andrew: We're the same person.
We're like one person.
We're the same person.
[Sinister violin music
intensifies]
♪♪
Amir: The Bloodhound
is a mysterious man
with mysterious ways.
Also, he never
stops smelling shit.
[Sitar plays]
[Sniffing]
Bloodhound: Yeah,
that's lead paint.
Amir: Is it paint?
-Bloodhound: Yeah, lead paint.
Amir: Lead paint?!
None of the inspection reports
said anything about lead.
Bloodhound: You need to burn
this house to the ground.
Amir: What?
-Bloodhound: You're not gonna
sell it. If the state
finds out you're trying
to sell a house like this,
with all this lead paint --
Amir: This is
a Frank Lloyd Wright house.
I don't think --
-Bloodhound: This is
a Frank Lloyd Wrong house,
my boy.
This is a Frank Lloyd Wrong
house.
Amir: Okay, Frank Lloyd Wright
did not design the house.
But he did sleep here
for two nights in 1957.
Either way,
I am not burning it down.
This is costing me $10,000,
for you to tell me to burn
the house down?
Bloodhound: What if a little
2-year-old comes in here
and starts eating the wall?
Guess what.
They're gonna be in prison
in six years
because of the violence
that gets into their brain.
Amir: I'm no Bloodhound, but
something doesn't smell right.
Can I ask you a question?
-Bloodhound: Yeah.
Amir: And I don't mean
to be offensive here,
but what authority do you have
on smells, like?
Bloodhound: I wrote my thesis on
16th-century Russian flatulence
called "Glad I'm Here
Pootin'." [Putin]
Amir: Russian farts?
-Bloodhound: I got my Master's
degree from Ucla. [uhk-luh]
Amir: Does he mean UCLA?
Bloodhound: Do you know
nothing about smelling?
Amir: I don't know a lot
about smelling,
that's why I hired you.
-Bloodhound: Look, when --
when I was a kid and I would
enter the smelling bees --
Amir: Smelling bees?
That's a thing?
Bloodhound:
Where are you from, son?
Amir: I grew up in L.A.
-Bloodhound: [Scoff]
Yeah, in real America,
there's something called
smelling bees, you know,
in elementary school;
you get up and you smell things.
You smell chalk;
you smell the lunch lady.
It's a smelling bee.
Amir: I smell bullshit.
That's an amazing story.
Bloodhound:
It's an amazing world.
Anything's possible.
You can fuckin' scam anybody.
[Sinister music plays]
Amir: What? Did you just say
you could scam anybody?
Bloodhound: The lights not work?
Amir: Get the f-- Get over here!
-Bloodhound: Just step away
from me. Step away from me.
-Amir: Give me my money back.
Bloodhound: This is a sample
of what you're gonna get.
Amir: Give me my money back!
-Bloodhound: This is a sample
of what you're gonna get!
-Amir: Give me my money back!
Bloodhound: This is it!
-Amir: Give me my money back!
Oh, shit. Fuck.
Hello? Bloodhound.
I have your hat!
I have your fucking hat!
Damn it!
♪♪
Glenn: Role playing
as my client's husband
has definitely been
strange, but,
I haven't been doing this
for long and, for all I know,
this is a normal part
of real estate.
There are a lot
of layers to this house.
It's almost like an onion that's
not going to make you cry.
Woman: [laughs] I love it.
But, um,
let's just pause
because I just don't know
how Justin's gonna feel
about it.
Glenn: Oh, well,
if you want, we can see
how Justin feels about it.
-Woman: Well, I was actually
thinking maybe, you know,
you and Justin could talk.
Glenn: Oh.
All right, all right.
Justin, do
you have any questions,
so far, about the property,
or...?
Questions,
per se, I don't know.
I really like it, so far.
Woman: Maybe about the,
-Glenn: Hm?
you know, the finances
of it all, you know?
Glenn: Sure, sure.
I'd love to know how much --
how big the escrow
account has to be
before we move on this.
Oh, yeah, that's a --
that's a great question. So,
the escrow account would be --
-Woman: Glenn, you wanna ask him
just a little bit
about his credit because
[whispering] that may be
an issue down the line.
Glenn: Okay, well --
-Woman: Ask gently. [laughs]
Glenn: Okay, well,
credit-wise, obviously,
we have a lot of clients come
to us in different places.
So we understand
where you're at.
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, right now --
Woman: Justin would be
pret-ty upset by that.
I mean, he's a redblooded man.
[laughs]
Glenn: Okay. Good to know.
Good to know.
Uh, what are you tryin'
to say, man?
I can't believe you would ask me
something like that
in front of my loving wife.
-Woman: Yeah, that's not right.
Glenn: Well, I didn't mean
anything by it. I just --
Woman: Let him talk to you
like that, Glenn?
Glenn: Um, hey, okay,
don't talk to me like that.
Woman: You want a sale,
but you're not a complete pussy.
Glenn: Yeah,
I'm not a complete pussy.
I think you are
a complete pussy.
And you know
what I do to pussies.
Tell him what I do
to pussies, honey.
[ Woman laughs ]
Glenn: [chuckle] Tell him.
-Woman: Well, he fucks them.
[Sinister music plays]
Glenn: Oh, my God. I don't --
I'm not trying
to start anything right now.
Well, too late, you already
started something, all right?
Woman: Ooh!
-Glenn: Whoa.
Woman: Whoa! [laughs]
Glenn, careful.
Oh, my God.
You guys, stop fighting.
Glenn: Hey, whoa.
You don't need to take it there.
Woman: Stop fighting.
-Glenn: Stop fighting? Ahh!
Woman: Oh, my God.
Glenn: You like that?
I'm so sorry, Glenn.
-Glenn: No, you love it.
You love it. You stay right
there and you watch this, huh.
Uh! Uh!
-Woman: Oh, my God! Glenn!
Glenn: Ah, my crotch.
-Woman: Are you okay, Glenn?
Glenn: No, he kneed my crotch.
-Woman: I'm -- I'm sorry.
Glenn: He punched my stomach.
-Woman: Help him up!
Glenn: Anh! Anh!
-Woman: [gasp] Oh, my God!
Glenn: I slapped him
like a pimp slaps a bitch.
Woman: Oh, my God! Glenn.
I'm calling -- You know what?
Glenn: Yeah.
-Woman: Why do you always
do this?!
-Glenn: Ah! Ahh! Ah.
Woman: I'm sorry.
I'm embarrassed.
Glenn: You gotta protect me.
-Woman: I'm sorry.
He's a monster sometimes.
-Glenn: Ohhhhh!
Woman: Stop it!
No, just leave him alone!
All right.
All right, tell him we'll be
out in five minutes.
Glenn: No, I have to stay
with you
while the tour is happening.
-Woman: Just give us
Glenn: I don't care.
-Woman: 5 minutes!
Glenn: I don't care
that he's here.
Woman: No, honey, we shouldn't.
-Glenn: No, it's fine.
Keep going.
-Woman: Yeah?
Glenn: Whatever it takes
to make the sale.
Woman: Are you gonna be okay?
-Glenn: He's gonna be fine.
Don't even worry about it.
-Woman: I don't feel right
about this.
-Glenn: Do you not want this?
Woman: I do, it's just, with
all our fertility problems --
Glenn: Oh, my God,
you're gonna bring this up now?
Woman: I'm sorry! It's just --
-Glenn: You know,
a lot of guys go through
fertility problems.
Woman: Glenn, could you
give us a little space?
Glenn: I'm sorry, yeah.
[Melancholy tune plays]
What, you're not
in the mood anymore?
Woman: No, it's not
that I'm not in the mood,
it's just like
we haven't had sex in months.
Glenn: Hey.
Tell me what you want,
and I'll deliver.
Woman: I want this house.
Glenn: I want it, too.
Uh...
Woman: Glenn, I think
we're ready to write an offer.
Glenn: If you two want a moment.
-Woman: I mean, if Justin --
Yeah.
-Glenn: I'll be right back.
Woman: Okay.
Let's do it, babe.
Glenn: Let's get this house.
-[Woman laughs]
Glenn: Okay?
-Woman: Is Glenn okay?
He's a little weird, right?
-Glenn: Yeah. We don't have to
worry about him.
-Woman: [whispering] He's gay.
Glenn: Is he gay?
I don't think that he's gay.
He seems about
as masculine as I am.
I sold my first house!
I can keep my Mercedes!
♪♪
[ Sinister music plays ]
Andrew: We're the same person.
We are peas in a pod.
I got my little Doppelganger --
or my Doppel-banger.
-Victoria: [distorted] No.
No.
[ Suspenseful music climbs ]
I'm not an Andrew.
I'm a Victoria
and it's time for me
to get back to Platinum
and win every damn Diamond
Dealmaker I was nominated for!
The bitch is back.
[Ominous chord strikes]
♪♪
Dean: 2, 3.
Well, well, well.
Victoria: The prodigal wife
returns. [laughs]
Dean: I don't believe
that's the expression.
Victoria: I'm back.
Dean: It's the Prodigal Son,
is the expression.
-Victoria: You can interchange.
Dean: How did wife get in there?
-Victoria: Me to you.
Dean: We are not married.
-Victoria: Not yet.
Dean: That is
how we shall remain.
Victoria: Can I sit here, Dean?
-Dean: Sit on a chair.
Victoria: Great. Dean,
before I get back to work --
which,
I'm excited to be here --
I need to clear
some things up between us.
Dean: Are you certain
you need to do this?
Victoria: Just get it settled.
-Dean: You may say
what you need to say.
-Victoria: I will.
Dean, why did you choose Glenn
as your partner over me?
Dean: So it's more
of a quest--
Victoria: Because I've been
wracking my brain
and I realized the reason
you can't have me as partner is
because the sexual tension
we feel between each other
is too much. It's too much
for you to concentrate;
it's too much for you to be
able to work beside me.
Dean: Well, that's 0% true.
Let me tell you why.
Victoria: Dean, if it's not
that, then I think I know why.
Dean: I can tell you why.
Victoria: Which is:
Glenn's transgender;
you hired him for diversity
in the office.
Dean: No, he's not transgender.
-Victoria: Okay.
Dean: He's --
-Victoria: You know for sure?
Dean: Yes, I do.
Your theories are baseless
Victoria: All right.
-Dean: and...somewhat demented.
I'm now going to tell you
-Victoria: Sure.
Dean: the actual reason.
-Victoria: What --
Dean: I need you
to not be talking.
Victoria: I just want to know --
-Dean: You mustn't --
Victoria: You're just gonna --
-Dean: Victoria.
You mustn't speak
when I say this.
Victoria: Is it happening
right now?
Dean: It's about to happen
in 3, 2...
[Suspenseful music plays]
Glenn is my son.
[ Ominous music climbs ]
I'm his father.
Blood relative.
There is no mistaking it.
Victoria: You had relations
with his mother?
Dean: Yes;
that's how sons are made.
[ Suspenseful chords strike ]
Victoria: Nepotism?
[Whimsical tune plays]
Dean, why didn't you say so?
Dean: Well.
-Victoria: Are you kidding me?
If there's one thing
I understand, it's that.
Dean: Well, I trust that this
will remain between us,
this little secret.
Victoria: Dean,
I think we can keep a secret
between us, don't you?
-Dean: I hope so.
Victoria: Well,
my lips are sealed.
[Sultry music plays]
Dean: Good, good to hear.
Victoria: Unless you need them
to be unsealed.
Dean: I do not need that, no.
-Victoria: You sure?
Dean: Positive.
-Victoria: Your mouth
is saying no, but your eyes
are saying "Please! Please!"
Dean: Please do
as my mouth says.
Victoria: I'm not gonna tell
anyone about
our arrangement.
-Dean: Which is?
Victoria: You and I,
arranged,
together.
[Sultry music continues]
Maybe if you had an open hand,
it'd would be easier to show.
Dean: What are you trying to do?
I'm going to put this away.
♪♪
[Sultry music plays]
Chelsea: She's either trying
to seduce him or she's the worst
oldtimey pickpocket artist
I've ever seen.
Andrew: Are they having
a staring contest?
Chelsea: No.
They're clearly speaking;
their mouths are moving.
Andrew: Yeah, you can talk
during a staring contest.
There's --
Amir: No, you can't.
Chelsea: Yeah.
Oh -- gah. Oh. Bye! Bye!
Andrew: Go. Go, go.
[ Scampering ]
[ Engine hums, clatter ]