Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Make Partner Part 2 - full transcript
With more time added to the clock, the brokers scramble for last minute sales in order to lock down the partnership. Chelsea and Victoria take turns trying to sell the mansion of an old man who wants to continue living there. Amir meets with a concussed linebacker who can't remember his own name while Baxter sells to a guy with a golddigger girlfriend, and Andrew takes a shot at the lottery millionaires.
Victoria: Previously on
"Bajillion Dollar Properties"...
Dean: In eight weeks time,
I'm going to take on...
a partner here at Platinum.
Victoria: My whole life has been
building up to this moment.
Amir: Man! This is
some "Game of Thrones" shit.
Dean: Glenn, I need you to be
my eyes and ears among them.
Glenn: If you want me to be
your mole at Platinum,
then I'll attach myself
to your cheek like you
are Robert De Niro.
This algorithm
is going to determine
who becomes partner
by the end of the day.
Victoria:
Since when does Glenn
have anything to do with this?
Glenn: You have until 6:30.
♪♪
I suggest you take this time
to continue selling.
Chelsea: Just two more hours
to make a sale
and clinch the partnership.
Baxter: Our very future
comes down to this very moment.
♪♪
Amir: We have only two hours
to make a final sale
before "D" chooses a partner.
Like a gift from God,
I get a call from a new client
who's interested in a pocket
listing I have in Encino.
He's NFL superstar Jumbo Haynes.
Jumbo is gonna be
the size of my commission
when I close this thing.
-Jumbo: Ryan?
-Amir: No, it's Amir.
-Jumbo: Ryan?
-Amir: Amir.
-Jumbo: Amir.
-Amir: Amir.
Jumbo: Pleasure to meet you,
as well, Amir.
How's it going?
-Amir: Yeah.
Jumbo: Jumbo Haynes.
-Amir: Yeah.
-Jumbo: Left guard.
Three Super Bowls.
Six concussions.
Two ex-wives. One wife.
-Amir: Got it, Jumbo.
-Jumbo: Yeah, that's me.
Amir: Got it the first
time...and the ninth time.
Jumbo: This is
a beautiful house.
♪♪
Amir: The view's actually --
the views are --
Jumbo: The view is astounding.
Which room is yours?
Amir: I don't live here, Jumbo.
-Jumbo: You don't live here?
-Amir: No, Jumbo.
Jumbo: Okay, so we just
wandered through
some stranger's house together?
Amir: We wandered through
the house of
someone who is
listing their house to sell
'cause you want to buy a house,
Jumbo.
Jumbo: I want to buy a house,
Jumbo. Correct.
Yes. I'll take it.
-Amir: Yeah?
-Jumbo: Yeah.
-Amir: You got a deal.
Fuck yeah!
Partnership, here I come.
Jumbo: So, I noticed
there's only one kitchen.
Amir: Uh, that is
pretty standard
that there's one kitchen
per house.
Jumbo: I like a little kit--
like, a mini, tiny kitchen
in the bathroom.
Everyone always says,
"You got to shit where you eat."
That's the expression, right?
Amir: No, I think the expression
is, "Don't shit where you eat,"
Jumbo, and it's a metaphor.
It means don't, like, hook up
with people at work.
Jumbo: Oh, I would never hook up
with people at work.
I'm straight, and
everyone I work with is a male.
And, plus, I have two ex-wives
and one wife.
-Amir: So you're married.
-Jumbo: I am currently married.
About to have three ex-wives.
Amir: Well, let met
tell you something.
This is gonna be
the perfect bachelor pad
for you to bring
any girls you want,
have your crazy
NFL parties after.
-Jumbo: [ Laughs ]
-Amir: So?
Jumbo: Like fat girls.
Amir: Whatever type of girls.
Jumbo: Skinny girls.
Man, what other types of girls
are there?
Amir: Young girls.
Jumbo: Oh, hey. Not again.
Amir: Not too --
not -- not too young.
Jumbo: I fucked a 15-year-old
once, but I was 15, as well.
Amir: Okay, well, that's legal,
then, Jumbo. That's fine.
-Jumbo: How come?
-Amir: How come you can fuck --
Jumbo: I'm not any different now
than I was when I was 15.
Amir: I hope
he's better at signing papers
than he is
at avoiding head trauma.
We got a deal, right?
-Jumbo: I'll take it.
Amir: I'm so proud of you that
you just agreed to buy this home
and you did it
and we finally did it,
so let's call your lawyer,
and let's -- let's --
let's make this --
Jumbo: [ Laughing ]
This is amazing. Yeah.
-Amir: You got a deal.
-Jumbo: How much?
-Amir: $8 million.
-Jumbo: [ Chuckles ]
I'm sorry. My signing bonus
was only $4 million this year.
-Amir: Oh.
-Jumbo: Yeah, so --
And I have a lien on my other
house from doctor's bills.
Amir: Oh. Oh, man.
Jumbo: Jumbo Haynes.
Amir: You're having
one of your weird --
Jumbo: Three Super Bowl rings.
Five concussions.
Two ex-wives.
One wife.
-Amir: One wife.
-Jumbo: 6'2".
-Amir: Jumbo!
Jumbo: What?! What?!
Amir: Fu-u-u-u-ck!
Ugh!
Jumbo: Wait.
Did you say...
Excuse me.
-Amir: What?
Jumbo: I'm here to see
a tour of the house.
Amir: Fucking leave!
Jumbo: Ow!
Why'd that hurt?
I'm an NFL player.
Amir: I'd love to give Jumbo
another concussion.
♪♪
Baxter: Andrew and I called
every client/booty call
we have ever had.
-Andrew: And holy shit,
one of our clients wants to
put in an offer
on a stale, old listing.
-Baxter: Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.
-Andrew: Come on, come on.
-Baxter: Sit in the chair.
-Andrew: Sit, sit, sit, sit.
Baxter: We need you to
pretend to be our client.
Andrew: You're our client.
You're our client.
-Baxter: Hey. Hey.
-Katie: Hi, Baxter. Hi.
-Baxter: Hi, Katie.
-Andrew: Hi!
Baxter: We have forced Glenn
to help
by pretending to be
a rival client...
Andrew: So we can drive up
the sale price in a bidding war.
Andrew: It's really convenient,
actually, that you came in.
Baxter: Yeah. Um...
Andrew: Because mister --
I'm sorry. Your name again?
-Glenn: S-Scotty Piping.
-Andrew: Scotty Piping.
Baxter: Scotty Piping,
meet Katie O'Brien.
-Glenn: Hi.
-Katie: Katie O'Brien.
It's so nice to meet you.
-Glenn: Nice to meet you.
Baxter:
Um, Mr. Piping, actually,
is also looking to buy a home,
and he also really loves
the mansion in
Trousdale Estates. So --
-Andrew: Loves it.
-Katie: Oh.
Andrew: He was literally
just about to put in an offer.
-Katie: Ooh, gosh.
-Baxter: Yeah,
we weren't 100% on --
-Katie: That's so awkward.
-Baxter: I know.
Andrew: This is great, though,
that you're both here,
'cause we can do an
old-fashioned, uh, bid off.
Baxter: Yeah, this -- It used to
happen like this all the time.
And, actually,
it's much quicker.
You don't have to deal with
all the paperwork
and calling people
and relaying messages.
That's how we got in this
situation in the first place.
Katie: Well, I trust you guys.
You know what you're doing.
-Andrew: Thank you. Thank you.
Baxter: Yeah, no,
this happens all the time.
So we're just gonna do an
old-timey face-to-face bid off.
Andrew: You go ahead
and do the honors
of throwing in the initial bid.
Katie: Um, 17.25.
-Baxter: 17.25.
-Andrew: Wow. Okay.
Baxter: Yeah, so we just need --
Andrew: Lower than
the asking price, by the way.
Glenn: Considering everything
that I know
about this property already,
I'm prepared to come in at 15.5.
Baxter: 15.5?
Andrew: No, no, no!
Other way, Glenn!
-Baxter: 15.5. Okay.
-Katie: That is great.
That is crazy.
-Baxter: No.
Katie: Whoop.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
Baxter: No, he was --
he was an accident.
Andrew: Well, hold on one
second, because that's, uh...
Okay. All right.
You've got to go higher.
Baxter: I look --
Did you say this was gold?
-Andrew: It's 17.5. You go up.
-Glenn: Oh, I know.
Andrew: And remember,
you have unlimited funds.
Glenn: I got it. I got it.
Andrew: Get in the game, dude.
All right?
Oh, yeah, so he wa--
Mr. Piping did,
uh, misunderstand.
You were talking about
a different house.
Glenn: Yeah.
I have unlimited funds.
-Katie: Wow.
-Glenn: Yeah, my daddy
was one of the first astronauts,
so...
Baxter: And he just has
unlimited funds, and --
-Katie: He's still alive?
-Glenn: Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, he's kept in a casket,
but he's alive.
Baxter: This scam
is never supposed to involve
astronaut vampires.
Glenn: With my unlimited funds
and my initial offer of 15.5,
I'm ready to go
up to $40 million.
Katie: Oh, well, that -- I mean,
that is -- That is way above --
Baxter: No, he's accidentally
offered too much.
-Andrew: Jesus.
-Katie: No. Thank you so much.
It was nice to meet you.
-Baxter: No. Don't. No.
Katie.
-Katie: Thank you.
Baxter: He's accidentally
offered too much.
-Andrew: It was so clear.
-Glenn: I got the house.
Baxter: You idiot.
Glenn:
You gave me unlimited funds.
Baxter: Right from the bat --
Scotty Piping?
-Andrew: Piping?
-Glenn: I panicked.
Baxter: Can you just say
your own name? Any name?
Andrew:
You could've said George.
Baxter: They don't know.
Name another name right now.
One, two, three.
Glenn: Anthony Pordane.
Baxter:
Name a normal name on three.
One, two, three.
Glenn: Barack Jo..binamock.
Baxter:
Glenn is the fucking worst.
Andrew: Garbage.
♪♪
Chelsea: I was racking my brain
to find a house to sell
in the next hour.
Then it occurred to me
Dean would be just as impressed
if I scored a huge listing.
So I headed to an estate
owned by old theater director
and nudie-magazine publisher
Don DiMello.
Every other potential agent
has been scared away
for some reason,
but Chelsea don't scare easily.
Don: You're exactly
what I described
when they asked me
what I wanted in a Realtor.
-Chelsea: Really?
-Don: Yes. Precisely.
Chelsea: I'm flattered.
[ Chuckles ]
Don: Right down to the height
and the legs and the shoes --
it's all perfect. [ Laughs ]
-Chelsea: Oh.
Don: Wow.
You just wandered in
on your own?
You're gorgeous.
Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.
Chelsea: I have to say, you have
a beautiful estate here.
Don: Yes.
♪♪
Chelsea:
Well, it's a wonderful space for
entertaining. The indoor --
-Don: The house
has one bathroom.
-Chelsea: Mm.
-Don: I did that
very intentionally.
-Chelsea: Why?
Don: I want to know who's going
to the bathroom and when.
-Chelsea: Why?
-Don: I want to have
complete control over it.
-Chelsea: Oh.
-Don: I don't want
people to feel like,
"Oh, this one's in use?
I'll go down the hall
and use another one."
There isn't another one.
You got to use this one
and this one only.
-Chelsea: Oh.
Don: And you got to ask me
if you want to use it.
-Chelsea: Oh. Well --
-Don: It's got a zoo.
It's mostly dogs now.
A lot of the animals have
escaped from the zoo.
They should've stayed.
Anyway, take note of that
if you're thinking of escaping.
What were you saying?
Chelsea: I can see
the house means a lot to you.
Don:
It means an awful lot to me.
Chelsea: I'm sure it'll be
difficult for you to part with.
Don: Yeah.
What do you mean by that?
Chelsea: When you sell the home.
Don: Oh, yes,
I'm not gonna part with it.
Don: I'm gonna sell the house,
and then I'm gonna stay here.
I'm gonna keep on living in it
even after I've sold it.
That's the plan.
They didn't tell you that?
Chelsea: No one told me that!
-Don: Yeah.
-Chelsea: Can I --
Can I have a drink?
-Don: Would you like a drink?
-Chelsea: Yes.
Don: Be more than happy.
That's, uh -- that's okay.
Chelsea:
I want to make this work.
Um, this location is gorgeous.
Don: You know what?
I'm not gonna have any.
That's for you.
Chelsea: Um...I actually forgot
I, uh -- I quit.
I quit drinking.
Don:
You don't want to have a sip?
Chelsea: No, I'm very sober.
A.A.
So thank you, but not today,
Satan.
Don: Did you just call me Satan?
Chelsea:
[ Mutters indistinctly ]
Don: I'm not Satan,
but I can get him here.
I know how to do it.
-Chelsea: [ Sighs ] Okay, how?
Don: It involves ejaculating
on parchment paper...
-Chelsea: I got to --
-Don: ...and making
a circle of candles.
-Chelsea: [ Sighs ]
-Don: There's a guy --
I got to get a priest
over here -- a black priest.
Chelsea: Wha-- Unnecessary.
Don: Oh, a black priest
can summon Satan,
but he's not a black man.
He's a white man.
Chelsea:
Stop saying "black priest."
Don: It's very confusing.
You're not the first person
to have this problem,
I'll tell you that right now.
Chelsea: Yeah, I got to go.
It turns out
Chelsea does scare easily.
Do I just go left
at the 19 grottos to get out?
Don: It's a lot harder than that
to get out of here, sweetheart.
You're gonna need your wits
about you,
you're gonna need to be wily,
and you're gonna need
to be fast.
Go.
Smart.
Too smart.
♪♪
Baxter: We thought
it was game over for us,
but then
I got a last-minute call
to show a $14 million listing
in Bel Air.
Andrew: Unfortunately, I was in
the middle of
a massive dump sesh and
told Baxter to go without me.
Baxter:
Gonna miss you, buddy,
but I'm gonna make the sale
for both of us.
♪♪
Brace yourself for this.
-Ted: Okay.
Baxter: This is
the master bathroom.
Ted: Wow.
This is -- This is the master?
Baxter: No judgments.
They could be a great couple.
-Ina: I love it.
-Baxter: It's pretty great.
Ina: It's so big. Oh, my God.
Baxter: It's big, right? Yes.
See? Yeah.
-Ted: She thinks it's big.
-Baxter: Cedar sauna.
-Ted: Oh.
Ina: [ Screams ] Oh, my God!
Ted: [ Chuckling ] Wow. Wow.
Ina: Oh, my God, oppa.
It's like our own [speaks
native language] you know?
Baxter: Realtor tip --
a scream equals a sale.
If you don't mind me asking,
where'd you guys meet?
-Ted: Oh, God.
-Ina: We met at Club Konna.
-Ted: Club Konna.
Ina: He came up to me, and
I was like, "What do you do?"
And he said,
"I'm a rich doctor."
Ted: Doctor.
I didn't say "rich," but --
Ina: And I was like,
"Oh, my God. I love doctors."
Ted: She just got really excited
right away.
Baxter: Rich doctor?
Gold-digging girlfriend?
Easy-peasy.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Yeah?
Ina: I'm like
a tap-dancing mermaid.
Ted: Yeah!
Ina: Can I be your mermaid
in here?
Ted: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Baxter: What a fun couple?
-Ina: Fun. Look at this.
-Baxter: As you can see,
there's kind of a lounging --
-Ted: This is a shower?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You are so dirty.
Ina: I so dirty. Wash it.
Wash my butt.
-Ted: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
-Ina: Oh, my God.
Ted: Oh, God,
what a dirty butt you got.
-Ina: I'm so dirty.
-Ted: Yeah. Yeah.
Ina: Oh, my God! Okay.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Let's get that --
Ina: [ Speaks native language ]
Ted: Okay. Yeah.
Ina: [ Screaming ]
Ted: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
[ Yelling ]
[ Both panting ]
Holy fuck.
Ina: Oh, my God.
I need to
go check out the bedroom.
Ted: Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God.
-Baxter: [ Chuckling ] Okay.
-Ted: She's amazing.
Baxter:
Looks like this bathroom is --
-Ted: Yeah, this bathroom --
-Baxter: You could get used
to this, right?
-Ted: No, this is not happening.
I don't have --
I don't have any money, dude.
Baxter:
You don't have any money?
Ted: I'm a social studies
teacher, you know?
I'm -- I'm just getting
the fucking best pussy
I've ever gotten in my life.
Baxter: [ Sighs ]
Are you serious? We're done.
♪♪
Victoria:
A half-hour left to go,
and I find out
Chelsea didn't snag DiMello.
I'm going in.
You never send a pawn
to do a king's job.
Don: [ Snoring ]
Victoria: Uh...
Don: [ Grunts ]
-Victoria: Hi, there.
-Don: Oh, yes. Okay.
You're here to audition
for one of my productions?
-Victoria: Oh.
-Don: All right. Good.
Uh, first things first,
you're not gonna need the dress.
It's not in the show.
Take off the dress,
and let's get started.
Victoria: No,
we're keeping on the dress.
I'm Victoria King.
I'm from Platinum Realty?
-Don: Oh.
Victoria: You've met with
some of my other associates.
Unfortunately, none of them
want to work with you.
-Don: You're here
to sell the house.
-Victoria: I am.
Okay, I think
we could sell this house
for $25 million with you in it.
-Don: Really?
-Victoria: Yes.
Don: That's fantastic,
because I'm not going anywhere.
-Victoria: I know. I-I heard.
-Don: Look at you.
Look at the legs.
Look at the legs.
Victoria:
Don is an acquired taste,
like dirt or vomit or arsenic.
Nothing I can't handle. Okay.
Don: Listen, though,
I have to tell you something
that's potentially
a real problem.
It could kill the deal.
-Victoria: [ Sighs ]
What is it? Just tell me.
-Don: Some of the plumbing
is original to the house,
and it's rusted out.
I'm talking all the way
to the sewer line.
It's got roots coming up
through the clay piping.
Victoria: Wait, if
it's just the plumbing...
-Don: Yeah.
-Victoria: ...I can fix that.
-Don: Really?
-Victoria: No problem. Oh, yeah.
I'll have my contractor
come here, for sure.
Don: Okay. Good. Ah,
I was worried about that one.
I thought nobody's gonna
want to touch this house
with the original plumbing.
-Victoria: Easy fix.
Don: Oh, my God.
Oh, you know what also?
I got a guy in a dungeon
in the basement.
Victoria: [ Sighs ]
Don: He broke into the house
back in 1981...
Victoria: Yeah.
Don: ...and I wanted to send
a message to other burglars.
Victoria:
To be honest, legally, I don't
even want to know this, okay?
But I would suggest
that you set him free.
Don:
Aw, I don't want to do that.
Victoria: We're gonna have to
get rid of this guy.
Don: Are you saying
we're gonna kill this guy?
-Victoria: No.
-Don: 'Cause the only reason
I'm asking is, if it's possible,
I'd like to stuff his head
and put it on the wall.
Don: I've grown accustomed
to the look of his face.
-Victoria: No.
-Don: And all these years,
it'd be sad to say goodbye.
-Victoria: Absolu--
That's a clear sign
that you have killed him.
I can't sell that.
-Don: Okay.
Victoria:
All right? Besides, I don't want
to be tied in with this.
Don: You really know your stuff.
Victoria: I'm telling you,
I am gonna get this house sold.
Don: I want someone to have sex
with me after I've died.
Victoria: What?!
Yes! I got the listing!
Can you taste that?
That is the partnership!
And bile.
But mostly the partnership!
♪♪
Victoria: This is it --
the culmination
of my life's work
and years of sweat, blood,
and vodka.
Baxter: We had two hours, and
we didn't even make one sale.
Andrew: But it's not over yet.
Victoria: You guys shouldn't
feel that bad that you lost.
-Chelsea: We didn't lose yet.
-Baxter: He's yet to --
Victoria:
Let's be realistic here.
Baxter: They've yet
to add up the intangibles.
Victoria: Whose animal's
at the top of the chart?
Amir: I swear,
if you become partner,
I'm jumping out of the building.
-Victoria: Thank you.
-Andrew: Well, we'll see.
♪♪
Dean: [ Sighs, clears throat ]
Well.
Hello.
-Chelsea: Sir.
-Dean: I have a speech.
When I founded this company
so many years ago,
all I had was a dream,
a little pickax,
a regular-size pickax,
a $100 million loan
from my father,
grit, determination,
and a box of cereal.
That cereal's gone now,
but everything else remains.
I never thought
I would have a partner.
I thought I would
walk through this earth alone,
save only for the company
of the ghosts
of those I have betrayed.
But things change,
and I have decided,
yes, I will
take a partner in this firm.
Time for the announcement.
[ Sighs ]
Amir.
-Amir: Yes!
-Dean: Wait.
-Amir: Yes! You suck!
You're fired, you dumb slut!
Go get your shit,
and get the hell out of here!
No security! You go now!
Don't go back to your desk!
Get the hell out of here!
[ Grunts ]
Dean: Amir, it's not you.
I mean, I had a bunch of reasons
that I was gonna give,
but I think that was great.
That saved me a lot of time.
-Victoria: Not necessary.
Dean: I got it, Victoria.
That's -- It's not you.
Victoria: [ Giggles ]
Amir: [ Sobbing ]
Victoria: [ Laughing ]
Amir: Wait. Did I -- Did I lose
before you did that, or --
Dean: Yes. You're like Pig-Pen.
You have this sort of mistaken
cloud hanging around you.
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Amir: Bechieve.
-Dean: What is he saying?
-Chelsea: "Bechieve."
It's his thing.
It's really boring.
Victoria:
"Believe" mixed with "achieve."
Dean:
Well, that doesn't work at all.
-Victoria: No, that's not it.
-Dean: It sounds like a food.
Chelsea.
-Chelsea: Hey.
-Dean: You're young.
You're energetic.
-Chelsea: Thank you.
Dean: You're plugged into
the modern world.
-Chelsea: Yes.
-Dean: Always on that phone.
Typing, typing, typing
with your thumbs.
It's a wonder
you haven't typed them away.
[ Laughter ]
Chelsea,
I don't get electronic stuff.
It's weird to me.
-Chelsea: Oh.
Dean: It's not wood, it's not
leather, it's not animal hide.
-Chelsea: No.
-Dean: What is it?
Ones, zeroes -- numbers? Boo!
Chelsea...
-Chelsea: Yes?
Dean: [ Inhales deeply ]
...you will be...
the person...
-Chelsea: Uh-huh?
Dean:
...not chosen as my partner.
Chelsea:
That was really misleading.
Dean: I-I think
I started the sentence
before I knew
how it was going to end up.
I mean, I knew my intention.
-Chelsea: Are you sure, though,
that you don't want someone,
like, new and fresh
to lead us into
the new millennium?
Dean: I thought about that,
and then I thought,
"No, I don't want that."
-Andrew: Oh, my God!
-Baxter: It's gonna be us.
-Andrew: We did it.
-Baxter: It's us!
Dean: I'm moving my eyes
over to...these guys.
One of you is named Baxter.
One of you is named Andrew.
Am I correct so far?
Baxter: Yes.
-Dean: Baxter.
-Baxter: Yes?
Dean: Your hair confounds me.
How does it do that?
It would be too distracting.
Andrew.
-Andrew: Daddy.
Dean:
I keep forgetting your name,
and there's the "daddy" thing.
You're too unsettling.
I'm looking for a partner.
I'm not looking for
two partners.
I'm looking for a partner.
Now, you can pretend
that you're, together,
equaling one person.
Like two kids in a trench coat
pretending to be a man.
Baxter: We've done that twice,
and it worked out in a sale
both times.
Dean: The two you together --
not my partner.
Baxter: [ Sighs ]
Amir: Fuck no. It's Victoria.
Victoria: It's mine!
Everything's mine!
-Dean: Victoria.
-Victoria: Yes?
-Dean: Sit down.
-Victoria: Dean, let me begin
by saying
this was a great decision,
and I want everyone to know here
that I'm going to
treat you fairly
as the new partner.
Will you get fired?
[ Inhales sharply ]
I don't know,
but I'll think about it.
And I'll think about it
a long time.
And as your new partner,
I just want you to know
I am here to support you
and stand next to you as
we embark this journey together.
Dean: Hm.
It's not you, Victoria.
-Victoria: What?
-Dean: It's not you.
You should sit down
before you literally fall.
Amir: Oh, no. Oh, no.
Chelsea: Victoria,
are your eyes bleeding?
-Dean: Her legs don't work.
-Victoria: I'm not breathing.
I don't think --
-Dean: All right.
Victoria: I don't think
I'm breathing.
[ Crying ] What? What? No.
No, no, no. What?
Amir: If she's not partner
and neither of us are partner,
who the hell is partner?
-Dean: I'm about to tell you.
-Victoria: What?
Dean: please say hello
to my new partner at Platinum,
Glenn Bouchard.
-Andrew: What?
-Chelsea: What?
♪♪
Victoria: What?
Dean: Glenn is now the bishop
while you all remain pawns.
Chelsea: But [stammers]
this doesn't make sense.
Glenn:
What's up, fellow brokers?
Baxter:
But he isn't even a broker.
Andrew: And he's Glenn!
Dean: [ Chuckles ]
Amir: I didn't see this coming.
I didn't see this coming.
How did I not see this coming?!
[ All shouting indistinctly ]
Chelsea: This is ridiculous.
[ Shouting continues ]
You're a piece of shit.
Andrew:
Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
Glenn: Dean told me
I was partner, I blacked out,
and when I came to,
I looked sexy.
Welcome to the age of new Glenn.
♪♪
Next season on
"Bajillion Dollar Properties"...
This is partner Glenn,
and partner Glenn is different.
Andrew:
Classic story of little guy
making it big.
-Baxter: Big.
Dean: We are nominated
for best brokerage.
We're up against
our old foes, Infinity,
and I want to crush them.
Man: Oh, thank you, trophy.
Oh, thank you, trophy.
Xavier: You are both sired.
Man: I like that. You got food
in the number-two room.
Woman: I've got a punchable
face. Everyone says it.
Man: I'm all about
humanitarian work...
-Victoria: Mm-hmm.
-Man: ...and eating pussy.
-Victoria: Yeah.
-All: Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Man: So he went off on my foot
for like a half an hour.
Woman:
Wood and then also not wood.
-Dean: No!
-Chelsea: Whoa!
Dean: Predators.
Woman:
That's the third one today.
Man: You trying to fuck my mom,
motherfucker?
-Amir: Jesus Christ.
-Man: [ Vomits ]
Man: [ Laughs ] I can't wait.
[ Grunting ]
Dean: We will go to
those Real Estate Awards.
We will win
that Diamond Deal Maker.
Victory!
-Glenn: Yeah!
Man: And cut, print.
"Bajillion Dollar Properties"...
Dean: In eight weeks time,
I'm going to take on...
a partner here at Platinum.
Victoria: My whole life has been
building up to this moment.
Amir: Man! This is
some "Game of Thrones" shit.
Dean: Glenn, I need you to be
my eyes and ears among them.
Glenn: If you want me to be
your mole at Platinum,
then I'll attach myself
to your cheek like you
are Robert De Niro.
This algorithm
is going to determine
who becomes partner
by the end of the day.
Victoria:
Since when does Glenn
have anything to do with this?
Glenn: You have until 6:30.
♪♪
I suggest you take this time
to continue selling.
Chelsea: Just two more hours
to make a sale
and clinch the partnership.
Baxter: Our very future
comes down to this very moment.
♪♪
Amir: We have only two hours
to make a final sale
before "D" chooses a partner.
Like a gift from God,
I get a call from a new client
who's interested in a pocket
listing I have in Encino.
He's NFL superstar Jumbo Haynes.
Jumbo is gonna be
the size of my commission
when I close this thing.
-Jumbo: Ryan?
-Amir: No, it's Amir.
-Jumbo: Ryan?
-Amir: Amir.
-Jumbo: Amir.
-Amir: Amir.
Jumbo: Pleasure to meet you,
as well, Amir.
How's it going?
-Amir: Yeah.
Jumbo: Jumbo Haynes.
-Amir: Yeah.
-Jumbo: Left guard.
Three Super Bowls.
Six concussions.
Two ex-wives. One wife.
-Amir: Got it, Jumbo.
-Jumbo: Yeah, that's me.
Amir: Got it the first
time...and the ninth time.
Jumbo: This is
a beautiful house.
♪♪
Amir: The view's actually --
the views are --
Jumbo: The view is astounding.
Which room is yours?
Amir: I don't live here, Jumbo.
-Jumbo: You don't live here?
-Amir: No, Jumbo.
Jumbo: Okay, so we just
wandered through
some stranger's house together?
Amir: We wandered through
the house of
someone who is
listing their house to sell
'cause you want to buy a house,
Jumbo.
Jumbo: I want to buy a house,
Jumbo. Correct.
Yes. I'll take it.
-Amir: Yeah?
-Jumbo: Yeah.
-Amir: You got a deal.
Fuck yeah!
Partnership, here I come.
Jumbo: So, I noticed
there's only one kitchen.
Amir: Uh, that is
pretty standard
that there's one kitchen
per house.
Jumbo: I like a little kit--
like, a mini, tiny kitchen
in the bathroom.
Everyone always says,
"You got to shit where you eat."
That's the expression, right?
Amir: No, I think the expression
is, "Don't shit where you eat,"
Jumbo, and it's a metaphor.
It means don't, like, hook up
with people at work.
Jumbo: Oh, I would never hook up
with people at work.
I'm straight, and
everyone I work with is a male.
And, plus, I have two ex-wives
and one wife.
-Amir: So you're married.
-Jumbo: I am currently married.
About to have three ex-wives.
Amir: Well, let met
tell you something.
This is gonna be
the perfect bachelor pad
for you to bring
any girls you want,
have your crazy
NFL parties after.
-Jumbo: [ Laughs ]
-Amir: So?
Jumbo: Like fat girls.
Amir: Whatever type of girls.
Jumbo: Skinny girls.
Man, what other types of girls
are there?
Amir: Young girls.
Jumbo: Oh, hey. Not again.
Amir: Not too --
not -- not too young.
Jumbo: I fucked a 15-year-old
once, but I was 15, as well.
Amir: Okay, well, that's legal,
then, Jumbo. That's fine.
-Jumbo: How come?
-Amir: How come you can fuck --
Jumbo: I'm not any different now
than I was when I was 15.
Amir: I hope
he's better at signing papers
than he is
at avoiding head trauma.
We got a deal, right?
-Jumbo: I'll take it.
Amir: I'm so proud of you that
you just agreed to buy this home
and you did it
and we finally did it,
so let's call your lawyer,
and let's -- let's --
let's make this --
Jumbo: [ Laughing ]
This is amazing. Yeah.
-Amir: You got a deal.
-Jumbo: How much?
-Amir: $8 million.
-Jumbo: [ Chuckles ]
I'm sorry. My signing bonus
was only $4 million this year.
-Amir: Oh.
-Jumbo: Yeah, so --
And I have a lien on my other
house from doctor's bills.
Amir: Oh. Oh, man.
Jumbo: Jumbo Haynes.
Amir: You're having
one of your weird --
Jumbo: Three Super Bowl rings.
Five concussions.
Two ex-wives.
One wife.
-Amir: One wife.
-Jumbo: 6'2".
-Amir: Jumbo!
Jumbo: What?! What?!
Amir: Fu-u-u-u-ck!
Ugh!
Jumbo: Wait.
Did you say...
Excuse me.
-Amir: What?
Jumbo: I'm here to see
a tour of the house.
Amir: Fucking leave!
Jumbo: Ow!
Why'd that hurt?
I'm an NFL player.
Amir: I'd love to give Jumbo
another concussion.
♪♪
Baxter: Andrew and I called
every client/booty call
we have ever had.
-Andrew: And holy shit,
one of our clients wants to
put in an offer
on a stale, old listing.
-Baxter: Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.
-Andrew: Come on, come on.
-Baxter: Sit in the chair.
-Andrew: Sit, sit, sit, sit.
Baxter: We need you to
pretend to be our client.
Andrew: You're our client.
You're our client.
-Baxter: Hey. Hey.
-Katie: Hi, Baxter. Hi.
-Baxter: Hi, Katie.
-Andrew: Hi!
Baxter: We have forced Glenn
to help
by pretending to be
a rival client...
Andrew: So we can drive up
the sale price in a bidding war.
Andrew: It's really convenient,
actually, that you came in.
Baxter: Yeah. Um...
Andrew: Because mister --
I'm sorry. Your name again?
-Glenn: S-Scotty Piping.
-Andrew: Scotty Piping.
Baxter: Scotty Piping,
meet Katie O'Brien.
-Glenn: Hi.
-Katie: Katie O'Brien.
It's so nice to meet you.
-Glenn: Nice to meet you.
Baxter:
Um, Mr. Piping, actually,
is also looking to buy a home,
and he also really loves
the mansion in
Trousdale Estates. So --
-Andrew: Loves it.
-Katie: Oh.
Andrew: He was literally
just about to put in an offer.
-Katie: Ooh, gosh.
-Baxter: Yeah,
we weren't 100% on --
-Katie: That's so awkward.
-Baxter: I know.
Andrew: This is great, though,
that you're both here,
'cause we can do an
old-fashioned, uh, bid off.
Baxter: Yeah, this -- It used to
happen like this all the time.
And, actually,
it's much quicker.
You don't have to deal with
all the paperwork
and calling people
and relaying messages.
That's how we got in this
situation in the first place.
Katie: Well, I trust you guys.
You know what you're doing.
-Andrew: Thank you. Thank you.
Baxter: Yeah, no,
this happens all the time.
So we're just gonna do an
old-timey face-to-face bid off.
Andrew: You go ahead
and do the honors
of throwing in the initial bid.
Katie: Um, 17.25.
-Baxter: 17.25.
-Andrew: Wow. Okay.
Baxter: Yeah, so we just need --
Andrew: Lower than
the asking price, by the way.
Glenn: Considering everything
that I know
about this property already,
I'm prepared to come in at 15.5.
Baxter: 15.5?
Andrew: No, no, no!
Other way, Glenn!
-Baxter: 15.5. Okay.
-Katie: That is great.
That is crazy.
-Baxter: No.
Katie: Whoop.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
Baxter: No, he was --
he was an accident.
Andrew: Well, hold on one
second, because that's, uh...
Okay. All right.
You've got to go higher.
Baxter: I look --
Did you say this was gold?
-Andrew: It's 17.5. You go up.
-Glenn: Oh, I know.
Andrew: And remember,
you have unlimited funds.
Glenn: I got it. I got it.
Andrew: Get in the game, dude.
All right?
Oh, yeah, so he wa--
Mr. Piping did,
uh, misunderstand.
You were talking about
a different house.
Glenn: Yeah.
I have unlimited funds.
-Katie: Wow.
-Glenn: Yeah, my daddy
was one of the first astronauts,
so...
Baxter: And he just has
unlimited funds, and --
-Katie: He's still alive?
-Glenn: Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, he's kept in a casket,
but he's alive.
Baxter: This scam
is never supposed to involve
astronaut vampires.
Glenn: With my unlimited funds
and my initial offer of 15.5,
I'm ready to go
up to $40 million.
Katie: Oh, well, that -- I mean,
that is -- That is way above --
Baxter: No, he's accidentally
offered too much.
-Andrew: Jesus.
-Katie: No. Thank you so much.
It was nice to meet you.
-Baxter: No. Don't. No.
Katie.
-Katie: Thank you.
Baxter: He's accidentally
offered too much.
-Andrew: It was so clear.
-Glenn: I got the house.
Baxter: You idiot.
Glenn:
You gave me unlimited funds.
Baxter: Right from the bat --
Scotty Piping?
-Andrew: Piping?
-Glenn: I panicked.
Baxter: Can you just say
your own name? Any name?
Andrew:
You could've said George.
Baxter: They don't know.
Name another name right now.
One, two, three.
Glenn: Anthony Pordane.
Baxter:
Name a normal name on three.
One, two, three.
Glenn: Barack Jo..binamock.
Baxter:
Glenn is the fucking worst.
Andrew: Garbage.
♪♪
Chelsea: I was racking my brain
to find a house to sell
in the next hour.
Then it occurred to me
Dean would be just as impressed
if I scored a huge listing.
So I headed to an estate
owned by old theater director
and nudie-magazine publisher
Don DiMello.
Every other potential agent
has been scared away
for some reason,
but Chelsea don't scare easily.
Don: You're exactly
what I described
when they asked me
what I wanted in a Realtor.
-Chelsea: Really?
-Don: Yes. Precisely.
Chelsea: I'm flattered.
[ Chuckles ]
Don: Right down to the height
and the legs and the shoes --
it's all perfect. [ Laughs ]
-Chelsea: Oh.
Don: Wow.
You just wandered in
on your own?
You're gorgeous.
Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.
Chelsea: I have to say, you have
a beautiful estate here.
Don: Yes.
♪♪
Chelsea:
Well, it's a wonderful space for
entertaining. The indoor --
-Don: The house
has one bathroom.
-Chelsea: Mm.
-Don: I did that
very intentionally.
-Chelsea: Why?
Don: I want to know who's going
to the bathroom and when.
-Chelsea: Why?
-Don: I want to have
complete control over it.
-Chelsea: Oh.
-Don: I don't want
people to feel like,
"Oh, this one's in use?
I'll go down the hall
and use another one."
There isn't another one.
You got to use this one
and this one only.
-Chelsea: Oh.
Don: And you got to ask me
if you want to use it.
-Chelsea: Oh. Well --
-Don: It's got a zoo.
It's mostly dogs now.
A lot of the animals have
escaped from the zoo.
They should've stayed.
Anyway, take note of that
if you're thinking of escaping.
What were you saying?
Chelsea: I can see
the house means a lot to you.
Don:
It means an awful lot to me.
Chelsea: I'm sure it'll be
difficult for you to part with.
Don: Yeah.
What do you mean by that?
Chelsea: When you sell the home.
Don: Oh, yes,
I'm not gonna part with it.
Don: I'm gonna sell the house,
and then I'm gonna stay here.
I'm gonna keep on living in it
even after I've sold it.
That's the plan.
They didn't tell you that?
Chelsea: No one told me that!
-Don: Yeah.
-Chelsea: Can I --
Can I have a drink?
-Don: Would you like a drink?
-Chelsea: Yes.
Don: Be more than happy.
That's, uh -- that's okay.
Chelsea:
I want to make this work.
Um, this location is gorgeous.
Don: You know what?
I'm not gonna have any.
That's for you.
Chelsea: Um...I actually forgot
I, uh -- I quit.
I quit drinking.
Don:
You don't want to have a sip?
Chelsea: No, I'm very sober.
A.A.
So thank you, but not today,
Satan.
Don: Did you just call me Satan?
Chelsea:
[ Mutters indistinctly ]
Don: I'm not Satan,
but I can get him here.
I know how to do it.
-Chelsea: [ Sighs ] Okay, how?
Don: It involves ejaculating
on parchment paper...
-Chelsea: I got to --
-Don: ...and making
a circle of candles.
-Chelsea: [ Sighs ]
-Don: There's a guy --
I got to get a priest
over here -- a black priest.
Chelsea: Wha-- Unnecessary.
Don: Oh, a black priest
can summon Satan,
but he's not a black man.
He's a white man.
Chelsea:
Stop saying "black priest."
Don: It's very confusing.
You're not the first person
to have this problem,
I'll tell you that right now.
Chelsea: Yeah, I got to go.
It turns out
Chelsea does scare easily.
Do I just go left
at the 19 grottos to get out?
Don: It's a lot harder than that
to get out of here, sweetheart.
You're gonna need your wits
about you,
you're gonna need to be wily,
and you're gonna need
to be fast.
Go.
Smart.
Too smart.
♪♪
Baxter: We thought
it was game over for us,
but then
I got a last-minute call
to show a $14 million listing
in Bel Air.
Andrew: Unfortunately, I was in
the middle of
a massive dump sesh and
told Baxter to go without me.
Baxter:
Gonna miss you, buddy,
but I'm gonna make the sale
for both of us.
♪♪
Brace yourself for this.
-Ted: Okay.
Baxter: This is
the master bathroom.
Ted: Wow.
This is -- This is the master?
Baxter: No judgments.
They could be a great couple.
-Ina: I love it.
-Baxter: It's pretty great.
Ina: It's so big. Oh, my God.
Baxter: It's big, right? Yes.
See? Yeah.
-Ted: She thinks it's big.
-Baxter: Cedar sauna.
-Ted: Oh.
Ina: [ Screams ] Oh, my God!
Ted: [ Chuckling ] Wow. Wow.
Ina: Oh, my God, oppa.
It's like our own [speaks
native language] you know?
Baxter: Realtor tip --
a scream equals a sale.
If you don't mind me asking,
where'd you guys meet?
-Ted: Oh, God.
-Ina: We met at Club Konna.
-Ted: Club Konna.
Ina: He came up to me, and
I was like, "What do you do?"
And he said,
"I'm a rich doctor."
Ted: Doctor.
I didn't say "rich," but --
Ina: And I was like,
"Oh, my God. I love doctors."
Ted: She just got really excited
right away.
Baxter: Rich doctor?
Gold-digging girlfriend?
Easy-peasy.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Yeah?
Ina: I'm like
a tap-dancing mermaid.
Ted: Yeah!
Ina: Can I be your mermaid
in here?
Ted: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Baxter: What a fun couple?
-Ina: Fun. Look at this.
-Baxter: As you can see,
there's kind of a lounging --
-Ted: This is a shower?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You are so dirty.
Ina: I so dirty. Wash it.
Wash my butt.
-Ted: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
-Ina: Oh, my God.
Ted: Oh, God,
what a dirty butt you got.
-Ina: I'm so dirty.
-Ted: Yeah. Yeah.
Ina: Oh, my God! Okay.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Let's get that --
Ina: [ Speaks native language ]
Ted: Okay. Yeah.
Ina: [ Screaming ]
Ted: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
[ Yelling ]
[ Both panting ]
Holy fuck.
Ina: Oh, my God.
I need to
go check out the bedroom.
Ted: Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God.
-Baxter: [ Chuckling ] Okay.
-Ted: She's amazing.
Baxter:
Looks like this bathroom is --
-Ted: Yeah, this bathroom --
-Baxter: You could get used
to this, right?
-Ted: No, this is not happening.
I don't have --
I don't have any money, dude.
Baxter:
You don't have any money?
Ted: I'm a social studies
teacher, you know?
I'm -- I'm just getting
the fucking best pussy
I've ever gotten in my life.
Baxter: [ Sighs ]
Are you serious? We're done.
♪♪
Victoria:
A half-hour left to go,
and I find out
Chelsea didn't snag DiMello.
I'm going in.
You never send a pawn
to do a king's job.
Don: [ Snoring ]
Victoria: Uh...
Don: [ Grunts ]
-Victoria: Hi, there.
-Don: Oh, yes. Okay.
You're here to audition
for one of my productions?
-Victoria: Oh.
-Don: All right. Good.
Uh, first things first,
you're not gonna need the dress.
It's not in the show.
Take off the dress,
and let's get started.
Victoria: No,
we're keeping on the dress.
I'm Victoria King.
I'm from Platinum Realty?
-Don: Oh.
Victoria: You've met with
some of my other associates.
Unfortunately, none of them
want to work with you.
-Don: You're here
to sell the house.
-Victoria: I am.
Okay, I think
we could sell this house
for $25 million with you in it.
-Don: Really?
-Victoria: Yes.
Don: That's fantastic,
because I'm not going anywhere.
-Victoria: I know. I-I heard.
-Don: Look at you.
Look at the legs.
Look at the legs.
Victoria:
Don is an acquired taste,
like dirt or vomit or arsenic.
Nothing I can't handle. Okay.
Don: Listen, though,
I have to tell you something
that's potentially
a real problem.
It could kill the deal.
-Victoria: [ Sighs ]
What is it? Just tell me.
-Don: Some of the plumbing
is original to the house,
and it's rusted out.
I'm talking all the way
to the sewer line.
It's got roots coming up
through the clay piping.
Victoria: Wait, if
it's just the plumbing...
-Don: Yeah.
-Victoria: ...I can fix that.
-Don: Really?
-Victoria: No problem. Oh, yeah.
I'll have my contractor
come here, for sure.
Don: Okay. Good. Ah,
I was worried about that one.
I thought nobody's gonna
want to touch this house
with the original plumbing.
-Victoria: Easy fix.
Don: Oh, my God.
Oh, you know what also?
I got a guy in a dungeon
in the basement.
Victoria: [ Sighs ]
Don: He broke into the house
back in 1981...
Victoria: Yeah.
Don: ...and I wanted to send
a message to other burglars.
Victoria:
To be honest, legally, I don't
even want to know this, okay?
But I would suggest
that you set him free.
Don:
Aw, I don't want to do that.
Victoria: We're gonna have to
get rid of this guy.
Don: Are you saying
we're gonna kill this guy?
-Victoria: No.
-Don: 'Cause the only reason
I'm asking is, if it's possible,
I'd like to stuff his head
and put it on the wall.
Don: I've grown accustomed
to the look of his face.
-Victoria: No.
-Don: And all these years,
it'd be sad to say goodbye.
-Victoria: Absolu--
That's a clear sign
that you have killed him.
I can't sell that.
-Don: Okay.
Victoria:
All right? Besides, I don't want
to be tied in with this.
Don: You really know your stuff.
Victoria: I'm telling you,
I am gonna get this house sold.
Don: I want someone to have sex
with me after I've died.
Victoria: What?!
Yes! I got the listing!
Can you taste that?
That is the partnership!
And bile.
But mostly the partnership!
♪♪
Victoria: This is it --
the culmination
of my life's work
and years of sweat, blood,
and vodka.
Baxter: We had two hours, and
we didn't even make one sale.
Andrew: But it's not over yet.
Victoria: You guys shouldn't
feel that bad that you lost.
-Chelsea: We didn't lose yet.
-Baxter: He's yet to --
Victoria:
Let's be realistic here.
Baxter: They've yet
to add up the intangibles.
Victoria: Whose animal's
at the top of the chart?
Amir: I swear,
if you become partner,
I'm jumping out of the building.
-Victoria: Thank you.
-Andrew: Well, we'll see.
♪♪
Dean: [ Sighs, clears throat ]
Well.
Hello.
-Chelsea: Sir.
-Dean: I have a speech.
When I founded this company
so many years ago,
all I had was a dream,
a little pickax,
a regular-size pickax,
a $100 million loan
from my father,
grit, determination,
and a box of cereal.
That cereal's gone now,
but everything else remains.
I never thought
I would have a partner.
I thought I would
walk through this earth alone,
save only for the company
of the ghosts
of those I have betrayed.
But things change,
and I have decided,
yes, I will
take a partner in this firm.
Time for the announcement.
[ Sighs ]
Amir.
-Amir: Yes!
-Dean: Wait.
-Amir: Yes! You suck!
You're fired, you dumb slut!
Go get your shit,
and get the hell out of here!
No security! You go now!
Don't go back to your desk!
Get the hell out of here!
[ Grunts ]
Dean: Amir, it's not you.
I mean, I had a bunch of reasons
that I was gonna give,
but I think that was great.
That saved me a lot of time.
-Victoria: Not necessary.
Dean: I got it, Victoria.
That's -- It's not you.
Victoria: [ Giggles ]
Amir: [ Sobbing ]
Victoria: [ Laughing ]
Amir: Wait. Did I -- Did I lose
before you did that, or --
Dean: Yes. You're like Pig-Pen.
You have this sort of mistaken
cloud hanging around you.
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Amir: Bechieve.
-Dean: What is he saying?
-Chelsea: "Bechieve."
It's his thing.
It's really boring.
Victoria:
"Believe" mixed with "achieve."
Dean:
Well, that doesn't work at all.
-Victoria: No, that's not it.
-Dean: It sounds like a food.
Chelsea.
-Chelsea: Hey.
-Dean: You're young.
You're energetic.
-Chelsea: Thank you.
Dean: You're plugged into
the modern world.
-Chelsea: Yes.
-Dean: Always on that phone.
Typing, typing, typing
with your thumbs.
It's a wonder
you haven't typed them away.
[ Laughter ]
Chelsea,
I don't get electronic stuff.
It's weird to me.
-Chelsea: Oh.
Dean: It's not wood, it's not
leather, it's not animal hide.
-Chelsea: No.
-Dean: What is it?
Ones, zeroes -- numbers? Boo!
Chelsea...
-Chelsea: Yes?
Dean: [ Inhales deeply ]
...you will be...
the person...
-Chelsea: Uh-huh?
Dean:
...not chosen as my partner.
Chelsea:
That was really misleading.
Dean: I-I think
I started the sentence
before I knew
how it was going to end up.
I mean, I knew my intention.
-Chelsea: Are you sure, though,
that you don't want someone,
like, new and fresh
to lead us into
the new millennium?
Dean: I thought about that,
and then I thought,
"No, I don't want that."
-Andrew: Oh, my God!
-Baxter: It's gonna be us.
-Andrew: We did it.
-Baxter: It's us!
Dean: I'm moving my eyes
over to...these guys.
One of you is named Baxter.
One of you is named Andrew.
Am I correct so far?
Baxter: Yes.
-Dean: Baxter.
-Baxter: Yes?
Dean: Your hair confounds me.
How does it do that?
It would be too distracting.
Andrew.
-Andrew: Daddy.
Dean:
I keep forgetting your name,
and there's the "daddy" thing.
You're too unsettling.
I'm looking for a partner.
I'm not looking for
two partners.
I'm looking for a partner.
Now, you can pretend
that you're, together,
equaling one person.
Like two kids in a trench coat
pretending to be a man.
Baxter: We've done that twice,
and it worked out in a sale
both times.
Dean: The two you together --
not my partner.
Baxter: [ Sighs ]
Amir: Fuck no. It's Victoria.
Victoria: It's mine!
Everything's mine!
-Dean: Victoria.
-Victoria: Yes?
-Dean: Sit down.
-Victoria: Dean, let me begin
by saying
this was a great decision,
and I want everyone to know here
that I'm going to
treat you fairly
as the new partner.
Will you get fired?
[ Inhales sharply ]
I don't know,
but I'll think about it.
And I'll think about it
a long time.
And as your new partner,
I just want you to know
I am here to support you
and stand next to you as
we embark this journey together.
Dean: Hm.
It's not you, Victoria.
-Victoria: What?
-Dean: It's not you.
You should sit down
before you literally fall.
Amir: Oh, no. Oh, no.
Chelsea: Victoria,
are your eyes bleeding?
-Dean: Her legs don't work.
-Victoria: I'm not breathing.
I don't think --
-Dean: All right.
Victoria: I don't think
I'm breathing.
[ Crying ] What? What? No.
No, no, no. What?
Amir: If she's not partner
and neither of us are partner,
who the hell is partner?
-Dean: I'm about to tell you.
-Victoria: What?
Dean: please say hello
to my new partner at Platinum,
Glenn Bouchard.
-Andrew: What?
-Chelsea: What?
♪♪
Victoria: What?
Dean: Glenn is now the bishop
while you all remain pawns.
Chelsea: But [stammers]
this doesn't make sense.
Glenn:
What's up, fellow brokers?
Baxter:
But he isn't even a broker.
Andrew: And he's Glenn!
Dean: [ Chuckles ]
Amir: I didn't see this coming.
I didn't see this coming.
How did I not see this coming?!
[ All shouting indistinctly ]
Chelsea: This is ridiculous.
[ Shouting continues ]
You're a piece of shit.
Andrew:
Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
Glenn: Dean told me
I was partner, I blacked out,
and when I came to,
I looked sexy.
Welcome to the age of new Glenn.
♪♪
Next season on
"Bajillion Dollar Properties"...
This is partner Glenn,
and partner Glenn is different.
Andrew:
Classic story of little guy
making it big.
-Baxter: Big.
Dean: We are nominated
for best brokerage.
We're up against
our old foes, Infinity,
and I want to crush them.
Man: Oh, thank you, trophy.
Oh, thank you, trophy.
Xavier: You are both sired.
Man: I like that. You got food
in the number-two room.
Woman: I've got a punchable
face. Everyone says it.
Man: I'm all about
humanitarian work...
-Victoria: Mm-hmm.
-Man: ...and eating pussy.
-Victoria: Yeah.
-All: Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Man: So he went off on my foot
for like a half an hour.
Woman:
Wood and then also not wood.
-Dean: No!
-Chelsea: Whoa!
Dean: Predators.
Woman:
That's the third one today.
Man: You trying to fuck my mom,
motherfucker?
-Amir: Jesus Christ.
-Man: [ Vomits ]
Man: [ Laughs ] I can't wait.
[ Grunting ]
Dean: We will go to
those Real Estate Awards.
We will win
that Diamond Deal Maker.
Victory!
-Glenn: Yeah!
Man: And cut, print.