Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode #1.7 - full transcript
♪♪
You probably recognize
someone in the boardroom
that isn't one of you.
Dean wants Platinum Realty
to be more like Google.
Actually,
Dean just sent me an e-mail
that simply said "Google."
So today, we're going to be
having free massages,
and I'm going to turn it over
to Zach the masseuse.
Zach: Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hello, hello.
Happy to be here.
So, yes, I will be giving you
all massages today.
I'm very highly trained.
I've practiced on newborns
in the maternity wing
of Children's Hospital,
and I specialize
in phantom limbs.
Victoria: This little albino
creeps me out.
But if I can get a free rubdown
from him, what do I care?
Zach: My number-one concern
is your comfort.
So I don't want anyone
to feel uncomfortable
about anything I do
and nothing happens
that makes you feel tense.
That's the opposite
of what I want.
I want you
to feel relaxed, okay?
So if you feel like I'm ever
going into a no-no zone,
we can establish a safe word
and then another safe word
for that safe word.
Amir: What if my safe word
is "harder"?
Zach: I'll respect that.
I'm very sensitive
to your sensitivity.
-Victoria: I have a question.
-Zach: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: When you massage,
do you keep your eyes
open or closed?
-Zach: I keep them open.
-Victoria: Oh, okay.
Zach: I will say,
every few seconds, I blink.
♪♪
♪♪
Zach: Does anyone have
any questions? Yeah?
Andrew: My, uh, older brother
was a masseuse.
Baxter: Ah, yes.
Andrew's infamous
older-brother story.
It is like a mystery
wrapped in a riddle
We talking about
his dead brother Mandell?
-Victoria: Yeah.
-Andrew: He went on a retreat
to India, uh, three years ago.
He had some trouble there.
He was kidnapped...
and we assume died.
Zach:
Why do you assume that?
Andrew: Where is he?
Where are you?!
Where are you?
Victoria: How do you know
he was kidnapped?
Amir:
What if he just decided to stay
and enjoyed it there
better than --
Baxter: Has anyone
written you a letter that said,
"I am enjoying it here in India.
I'm gonna stay"?
Andrew:
Yes, we did get that letter,
but we assumed
that was from the kidnappers.
Amir: What?
I heard when Andrew was a kid,
his head got hit by a car.
Just the head.
Andrew: You start
in the middle of the back?
Zach: Yeah, start
in the middle of the back,
I just start with two fingers
right here
and I go -- I lean in
and I whisper, "Is that okay?"
Then if you go, "Mm-hmm,"
then I go, "What about that?"
Then I go out a little further.
"What about here?
Is this pleasure
that you feel now
as I go around?
Are we feeling pleasure
in these places?"
If you start to go,
"No. No, I hate that,"
pfft -- goes back in.
Then I go,
"That's the zone, there."
Then I massage it.
Amir:
All right. I'm sold.
-Let's do this.
-Andrew: I'm after him.
Victoria: Oh,
it just happens right here.
Zach:
You're keeping your shirt on?
-Amir: Yes, I am.
-Zach: Okay.
If that's
what makes you comfortable.
Does this give you pleasure?
♪♪
Chelsea: I have
a hot new listing in the 'Sades.
What? I don't have time
to say "Pacific Palisades."
Today I'm showing this home
to mega-church televangelist
Reverend Coyne.
He's the guy
who's always crying on TV.
Coyne: Hallelujah, Chelsea.
Hallelujah.
This is a beautiful home.
What is the asking price
of this house?
Chelsea:
Uh, it's $11 million.
Coyne:
Oh, $11 million for this house.
It just seems
like maybe the devil
-is possessing that number...
-Chelsea: Oh!
Coyne:
...and pushing it up high.
But the Lord has asked us
to see this house.
Chelsea:
He has asked you? And he has
asked you, Brother Gayle?
Gayle:
He has asked all of us.
Well, mainly him,
but we follow the words
through his voice of the Lord.
Chelsea:
Was that a sentence?
Gayle:
That was a sentence, Sister.
-I was speaking from the heart.
-Chelsea: Okay.
It just sounded like words
you just found.
Coyne: My congregation and I,
we love this home,
but we aren't the buyers.
-The buyer is the Lord.
-Chelsea: Oh.
Coyne:
And we have to make sure
the Lord is impressed
with this house.
Chelsea:
Uh, I've seen his manger.
the Lord is gonna be impressed
by this house.
Now, the property
does have a three-car garage.
I hope that's suitable for you.
-Coyne: Three cars!
-Gayle: Three cars!
Coyne: The Lord
does not want to pay $11 million
-for a three-car garage.
-Gayle: No, he does not.
-♪ Five cars ♪
-Coyne: Five cars.
I will not give the money
my congregation has given to me,
especially when I can't even
fit half of my cars
-in the garage.
-Chelsea: Right. Okay.
Coyne: You know,
the Lord can look on MLS
and see
that there have been no offers.
And the last time this house
was for sale was for 10.8,
which means the return
on the investment is slight.
Chelsea:
Ooh. I'm gonna need my prayers
answered to make this sale.
♪♪
Todd: Oh, sorry.
I just got to --
-Baxter:
Why don't we go this way?
-Todd: Okay.
Baxter: Todd is the janitor
at Platinum.
Is it stuck?
Todd:
No, no. It's moving.
Baxter:
He's been here forever.
Todd:
We'll just do that.
-Baxter:
You got to come this way.
-Todd: Okay.
Baxter: And he is in the way
all of the time.
Yeah, let's do it
like we would on a highway.
-Todd: Okay.
-Baxter: Cool.
-Okay, now you need to --
-Todd: I lived in Europe
-for a while, so I...
-Baxter: Oh, okay.
-Yeah, American highway.
-Todd: American highway?
-Baxter: Yeah, yeah.
-Todd: Okay, great.
-I think that worked.
-Baxter: I think that worked.
-Great.
-Todd: All right.
Baxter: All right.
He is annoying as shit.
Todd: [ Crunching ]
Dean: Todd.
Todd: Well, there he is --
boss man.
-Dean: Yes, that's correct.
-Todd: The head hondo.
Dean: "Honcho" I believe
is the word you're looking for.
Todd: "Hondo" is
a John Wayne movie.
Dean:
I'm sure you're correct.
I myself only watch films
in foreign languages.
Todd:
Like "Au Revoir Les Enfants"?
Dean: Yes, that's correct.
Are you familiar
with the works of Louis Malle?
Todd: I lived in France
for a while, man.
Dean: Whereabouts?
Todd: I was
in the trois arrondissement.
Dean:
Mm. Very close to the Tower.
Todd: Yeah,
pretty close to the Tower.
Dean: Todd, there have been
some complaints...
about your work.
Todd:
I-I put that severed finger
in that coffee can.
I-I'm so sorry
that somebody found it.
It was just intended to be
a safekeeping place
until I found a better place
to dispose of it.
Because it's medical waste,
so --
Dean: I'm gonna stop you there.
That was not the complaint.
Todd:
So nobody found the finger?
Dean: Not as yet.
There actually has been
a different complaint.
Todd: Yeah, I-I could not find
a dog sitter for the day,
and Brutus -- you know,
Rottweilers, they gotta chew,
so, you know, when he's
right next to that couch,
he's just gonna
bite into that thing.
Dean: Which couch
did this Brutus bite?
-Todd: That's not what it is?
-Dean: That's not what it is,
but I'm a little curious now
as to which couch.
Todd: There's not
a lot of damage, so...
[ Crunching ]
♪♪
-Glenn: Hey, guys.
-Amir: Hey, buddy.
Andrew: There he is.
-How was it?
-Victoria: Hey, there.
Glenn: It was weird.
The guy barely even touched me.
It was like I didn't
get a massage at all.
-Amir: For real?
-Glenn: Yeah.
He was, like, staying
an inch above my body.
Andrew:
Did you shower today?
-Glenn: Yeah, I showered today.
-Andrew: I don't know.
Don't get defensive.
I'm asking you.
Victoria:
Do you have psoriasis?
Glenn: I don't have psoriasis.
I'm a bath guy.
And I lotion up
after I get out of the water.
I use a 12-hour lotion,
and I reapply every two hours
just to be safe.
Did you guys get good massages?
I mean...
Amir:
I mean, I got a happy ending,
so yeah,
I got a pretty good massage.
-Did you get a happy ending?
-Glenn: Uh...
Amir:
You got a happy ending, right?
Baxter: Yeah, of course.
Andrew:
I got a happy ending,
and then he tried
to go for a second,
and I did back him down.
Victoria:
My ending was very happy.
We didn't get happy endings.
[ Chuckles ]
That one person that doesn't get
the happy ending,
you know why they don't.
The masseuse is so disgusted.
-Baxter: Yeah. Yeah.
-Victoria: They, like, can't...
Baxter:
There's nothing more telling
-of your attractive level...
-Victoria: Uh-huh.
Baxter: ...than getting
a happy ending or not.
Glenn:
Okay, so, everyone --
I mean, how did --
You just --
Amir: He did this thing
where he cupped my balls,
and I came to completion,
and somehow --
I don't know what happened.
Like, he caught it --
He was using both hands.
it was like "The Matrix."
Amazing.
Baxter: 'Cause I didn't see him
swallow it,
and I didn't see it
go anywhere.
Glenn:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, me too.
Baxter:
So you did get a happy ending?
Glenn:
I-I -- The massage was shit,
but I creamed harder --
Victoria: But you said, like,
he didn't touch you that much.
Glenn: Take a note --
Don't take much
to make me cream.
Amir: Tell me what was it like.
What did he do to you?
Glenn:
He came in fast and hard.
Andrew: Did he, uh,
go around to the back porch?
Did he have tea
on the back porch?
Glenn: Are you saying
he took his time?
-Yeah, he took his time.
-Andrew: No, no, no, no, no.
Baxter:
Did he pee in your butt?
Glenn: Did he pee
in your guys' butt?
[ Laughter ]
Baxter: Hell yeah, he did.
Amir: He peed in my butt.
Andrew: I asked you --
"Did you have tea
on the back porch?
So yeah, did he pee
inside your butt?
Glenn: Yeah, there was
a nice decaffeinated pee
on the back porch.
[ Both laugh ]
Baxter: Glenn!
-Andrew: That was awesome.
-Baxter: Yes.
Andrew:
But almost sad at points.
Baxter:
Yeah, sad. Uh-huh.
-But then awesome again.
-Andrew: Then awesome again.
-Happy ending handshakes,
-Baxter: Let's do this.
Victoria: Well, for me,
that doesn't really work.
Andrew:
You can just kind of flick
the top of it with your fingers.
-Yeah!
-Glenn: Boom!
-Andrew: Boom!
-Glenn: Yeah!
Baxter:
Where'd the cum go?
-Andrew: Yeah, where does it go?
-Amir: Unbelievable.
Glenn: I'm gonna go back in
and look for it, actually.
-Andrew: Cum hunt.
-Glenn: Cum hunt.
Maybe I'll have
some more of that tea.
-Baxter: Ha ha!
-Glenn: On the back porch.
Baxter: My man!
Glenn: I'm gonna get a handjob
from that young man
even if I have to fit him
with a magnet mitten
and me with a steel rod
in my urethra.
I've actually put some thought
into this.
♪♪
Chelsea: As you can see,
this outdoor space
is perfectly suited
to entertaining.
Coyne: I've all
the entertainment I need
right here in this good book.
-Chelsea: I bet you do.
-Coyne: Am I right? [ Laughs ]
Now, I sense --
correct me if I'm wrong --
you are a nonbeliever.
Chelsea: You got me.
[ Laughs ]
Coyne:
I would love you in my flock.
Chelsea: Yo, I'm not joining
that dude's Yankee-ass flock.
Coyne:
I used to sell cars.
I used to sell cars to people
who couldn't afford the cars.
And then I found the Lord,
but I wouldn't believe in
the Lord until I saw a miracle.
When I come across a nonbeliever
like yourself,
I have to call on the Lord,
and say,
"Lord, show this woman
a miracle.
We must have food.
Provide me food!
And the Lord doth...provide.
Gayle: Oh! Hallelujah.
Chelsea: No, that's
a disgusting old hamburger.
Coyne:
Disgusting and old?
You are just mistaking that
for a turkey burger.
Chelsea:
Okay, well, then, uh,
why don't you take
a big ol' juicy bite of that?
-Coyne: Right now?
-Chelsea: Yeah,
just chomp into it.
Coyne:
Well, no, I'm fasting.
Chelsea:
God hates this guy.
♪♪
Dean:
Todd, here is the complaint --
Todd: I will stop
sex trafficking immediately.
[ Crunches ]
I'm just trying to find
good jobs for those ladies.
Dean:
Are you -- Are you doing this
out of this building?
Todd: Yeah. I mean, it's
a nice office, it's convenient.
I'm here a lot of the day,
so when I moonlight,
this is where I do it.
[ Crunches ]
Dean: Well...
moonlighting, as a rule,
is frowned upon.
-Todd: The show?
-Dean: No, it --
Todd: Or the practice
of holding a second job?
Dean:
I think everyone around here
generally enjoys the show.
Todd: 'Cause the first season
really holds up.
Dean: Yes, when it was a sort of
"Will they or won't they?"
but then once they actually
did...
Todd: Yeah, once they did,
there was no story left to tell.
Dean:
The bloom was off the rose.
Todd: Yeah.
Dean: Todd, what you do on
your own time is your business.
-That's not the complaint.
-Todd: Okay. [ Crunches ]
Dean: Can I ask you --
just take a brief sabbatical
from eating the carrots.
Todd:
I mean, you put baby carrots
out there like that,
it can be awfully tempting.
Dean: Who can resist?
Todd, I'm going to tell you
what the complaint is.
Dean: You apparently have not
refilled the soap dispenser
in the ladies' washroom
on the second floor.
Todd: God damn it!
How often do you need
that soap dispenser refilled?
Dean: Well, I-I think
only as often as it's empty.
Todd: Jesus.
I feel bad about that now.
-Dean: Oh, you do feel bad?
-Todd: I do feel bad about that.
Dean: The finger,
you're okay with?
Todd:
The finger, I'm okay with.
Dean: Sex trafficking?
Todd: These ladies
come from the Ukraine.
It's very oppressive there.
They need to find work.
I feel bad about
that soap dispenser, man.
I'm gonna do that right now --
soon as I'm off my break.
Dean: How much time
is left on your break?
Todd: Two hours.
Dean: That's --
That seems rather excessive.
Todd: I was told
I make my own schedule.
Dean: Who...
Who would have told you this?
-Todd: Your boss.
-Dean: My boss?
Todd:
The guy you work under.
Dean: You know
that this is my company?
Todd: [ Crunching ]
There was another guy.
Dean: Did you switch
to potato chips?
Todd: These are, like, a layer
with salt and pepper.
-Dean: Mm-hmm.
-Todd: It's wonderful.
-They're crisp-cut.
-Dean: Mm-hmm.
Todd: Very good.
Dean: Crinkled.
♪♪
♪♪
Chelsea:
I'm trying to sell a house
to a fake preacher.
Coyne: Oh, the Lord
is telling me that I am parched.
Thank you.
My flock provides
just as the Lord.
Chelsea: He wants me to believe
God is on his side
so I'll drop the price.
Coyne:
But you know what?
It's such a beautiful evening
out here
that I perhaps would love
a glass of wine.
Water become wine!
Chelsea:
Literally nothing happened.
Coyne:
Mmm. That is wine.
Gayle:
Oh! Hallelujah!
Coyne: Hallelujah.
That is wine.
Chelsea: Oh, okay.
Can I try some?
Coyne:
You would like to try this?
A-All right. One second.
Let me just take a sip.
Chelsea: You can't --
Gayle: ♪ Down the hatch ♪
♪ Down the hatch ♪
-Chelsea: Very good.
-Gayle: ♪ Down the hatch ♪
Coyne: Oh, my God.
It's empty.
It is absolutely empty.
Chelsea: I wish I could
turn this jackass into a buyer.
That would be a miracle.
Coyne: Look at this pool.
This pool is so beautiful.
But wouldn't it even be better
if we had water features --
cascading jets shooting
streams of waters around it
so it makes the pool
a centerpiece of a backyard!
Chelsea: Yeah,
the pool has water features.
Anyone can see that --
right here
on the miracle of the MLS.
Coyne:
Lord, if you believe
that this pool
should have water features,
I want you to give me
water features, Lord!
Gayle: Oh! Hallelujah!
It's a miracle!
it's a miracle!
Oh, yes, you did!
Coyne: Sister Chelsea
believes in you, Lord!
Chelsea:
So I lied. A lie to a Realtor
is like a wrench to a plumber.
Finally this house has something
to offer me and my congregation!
Chelsea:
This isn't that bad.
I once become Amish
to close a deal
on a five-bedroom
in Culver City.
♪♪
Glenn: Okay, everybody,
thanks for coming together
for one more meeting
before we leave for the night.
Everyone else
got handjobs today,
and frankly, it's not fair.
Just want to go over
some office protocol, all right?
Dean wants us to be
more like Google?
Well, I can tell you there are
plenty of handjobs at Google.
Ask Jeeves.
Here at Platinum Realty,
we're a team,
and when teams win together...
-Amir: They...
-Glenn: ...they...
-Victoria: Lose together.
-Glenn: They lose together.
The point is, if we win,
we all win together.
If we lose,
we all lose together.
So if we win
and we get something,
then we all get
that something, okay?
One of us gets a listing, then
we all have a listing, right?
Victoria:
No, that's not it at all.
Amir: Whoever gets the listing
gets the listing.
Baxter: Is this about you
not getting a happy ending?
Glenn: No! That's not --
That's n-- I mean --
-Victoria: I knew it.
-Andrew: Wait, if it's not that,
is this about you
not getting a happy ending?
-Glenn: No!
-Amir: Follow-up question?
-Glenn: Yes.
-Amir: If that's not the case,
then is it because
you didn't get a happy ending?
-Glenn: No!
-Andrew: That's true.
Glenn: Enough, okay?
This is just like all
the other times in the office
where I'm getting excluded
and you guys
are having fun together.
Like when we all ordered
that 6-foot party sub
and I didn't
get to have any of it.
I still had to eat the carrots
and the hummus
that I made at home.
Or the time that Victoria,
you had a pool party
and I found about it
on Instagram
because no one told me about it.
Victoria:
Well, I didn't want you to go.
Glenn:
Look, I deserve a handjob
You got it stroked,
you got it stroked,
you got it stroked,
you got it poked.
I deserve it, too!
Andrew:
You make great hummus.
Glenn: The secret is
to de-skin the garbanzos
and add the lemon juice
at the last minute.
You want to know
the real happy ending?
The real happy ending
is respect,
and I deserve it
just as much as you guys do.
That's the happy ending
I want -- respect.
Baxter:
I think it's a slow clap.
Andrew: Oh.
That's it -- slow clap.
That's a slow clap.
Glenn:
Come on, everybody.
Victoria: I'm done here.
Baxter: Me too.
Victoria: I'm going home.
Baxter: And just so you know,
I got it poked, too.
♪♪
♪♪
Coyne:
Now, I like this house!
Gayle:
Ooh! He like the house.
Chelsea:
Today, I brought Reverend Coyne
back to the house.
The final step
to making the sale --
I got to get saved.
Coyne: But I do not love
this house.
Gayle: Mm-hmm!
Coyne: Because the devil
is in this house!
Gayle:
All up in the house!
Coyne:
Does anyone among you
-want to be saved?
-Chelsea: Yes, I do.
Gayle: You better, Sister.
Go up to him.
Coyne:
Please, come up and join me.
-Say "Hello, Lord!"
-Chelsea: Hello, Lord!
-Coyne:
Say "I want to be saved."
-Chelsea: I want to be saved!
Coyne: "I will lower the price
to get the devil out!"
Chelsea: Oh, how much?
Coyne: If you want
to get the devil out,
you got to get the price down!
If you want
to get the devil out,
you got to get the price down!
Chelsea: All right, I'm gonna
drop the price 750 below asking.
Coyne: Oh, hallelujah!
That is a miracle!
And the devil is cast out
into that beautiful ocean!
The devil will go
far, far away -- to Catalina.
Now let us go sign the paperwork
the Lord has prepared.
-♪ Sign the paper ♪
-Chelsea: ♪ Lord ♪
-♪ Paperwork ♪
-Chelsea: ♪ Use me, Lord ♪
-♪ Sign the paper ♪
-Chelsea: ♪ Sign it ♪
Together: ♪ Paperwork ♪
Chelsea: ♪ Paperwooork ♪
The seller
had already given me authority
to drop the price
up to a million below asking.
Thank you, Lord.
[ Smooches ]
♪♪
Glenn: That's n-i-i-i-ice.
O-h-h-h-h, Za-a-a-a-a-ch.
I had Zach come back today.
It's not about a stranger
massaging me to orgasm
in a conference room.
It's about respect.
I think I'm gonna flip over
onto my back now.
Zach: No, we're not
quite at that point yet.
Glenn: Yeah, I got to flip over
onto my back.
-Ohh. That's a lot better, yeah.
-Zach: O...kay.
Is there an area
you want me to f-focus on here?
Glenn: Uh...yeah.
I've been feeling, uh,
the most soreness
in, uh, uh,
this area right here.
Zach: Oh, okay.
-The sort of upper thigh...
-Glenn: Sure, sure.
Zach: Yeah, I can --
I can kind of work that area.
Yyyyeah.
Just...put that...back there,
and --
Why don't I just start
with the hands?
Glenn: [ Laughing ] Yeah.
Zach: We can just...
leave that right here.
Kind of helps...me know
what's on...the up-and-up.
Oh!
Stop it! Look --
Glenn: Maybe start at the legs
and work your way up.
Zach: I -- Sure, yeah.
Glenn: Oh, hey,
your accent sounds familiar.
Are you from Strokesville?
Zach: Mm...no.
Glenn: Are you sure?
Choo-choo!
All aboard the Handjob Express!
Next stop -- Jizztown!
-You need to give me a handjob.
-Zach: Aah!
-No! No!
-Glenn: Come on. We look alike.
It'll be like
you're giving yourself one.
Zach: [ Blows whistle ]
Rape! He's raping me!
[ Blows whistle ]
Glenn: Why not me?!
Zach:
Because I don't love you!
[ Crying ]
[ Both crying ]
Zach:
[ Blowing whistle lightly ]
Glenn: [ Crying ]
I'm so sorry.
[ Sniffles ]
[ Both crying ]
I am so sorry.
-Zach: [ Whimpers ]
-Glenn: Give me --
-Come on! Come on!
-Zach: No!
Why'd you give everyone else one
and not me?
Zach:
I didn't! I didn't!
Glenn: What?!
Nobody got a happy ending?!
Those fiends!
Those diabolical fiends!
[ Laughter ]
Glenn: Go ahead! Laugh!
Ha ha ha!
You sons of bitches!
You bunch of pricks!
-Are you happy?!
-Amir: [ Laughing ] Yes!
Glenn: You made this nice man
cry at my penis,
you bunch of assholes.
[ Laughter ]
Glenn: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Yeah, I know.
None of you guys
got handjobs from this guy.
-Victoria: Of course not!
-Amir: Of course not.
Why would we get a handjob
from this guy?
Victoria: I'm not gonna let
some asexual masseuse
go down on me.
I'm wearing Versace,
for crying out loud.
-Amir: That's disgusting.
-Zach: Not that disgusting.
Glenn: You know
what's really disgusting?
The fact
that you guys would pull
these kind of pranks
and trick someone like me.
All right, I'm an honest person
who just tries to help you
all the time,
and all I ask for is a little
bit of respect in return.
You didn't take my dignity.
I still have it.
Okay, so sit with that
and think about that
for a little bit.
Amir: Wow.
There's your dignity.
-Amir: Just leave it. Leave it.
-Victoria: Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.
♪♪
Baxter: Well, I went
to make coffee this morning,
and I got fingered!
[ Laughs ]
Uh-oh. Nailed it!
[ Laughs ]
I'll call the police now.
We should find out
whose finger this is.
This is a real finger.
Euggh.
It stinks a little bit.
You probably recognize
someone in the boardroom
that isn't one of you.
Dean wants Platinum Realty
to be more like Google.
Actually,
Dean just sent me an e-mail
that simply said "Google."
So today, we're going to be
having free massages,
and I'm going to turn it over
to Zach the masseuse.
Zach: Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hello, hello.
Happy to be here.
So, yes, I will be giving you
all massages today.
I'm very highly trained.
I've practiced on newborns
in the maternity wing
of Children's Hospital,
and I specialize
in phantom limbs.
Victoria: This little albino
creeps me out.
But if I can get a free rubdown
from him, what do I care?
Zach: My number-one concern
is your comfort.
So I don't want anyone
to feel uncomfortable
about anything I do
and nothing happens
that makes you feel tense.
That's the opposite
of what I want.
I want you
to feel relaxed, okay?
So if you feel like I'm ever
going into a no-no zone,
we can establish a safe word
and then another safe word
for that safe word.
Amir: What if my safe word
is "harder"?
Zach: I'll respect that.
I'm very sensitive
to your sensitivity.
-Victoria: I have a question.
-Zach: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: When you massage,
do you keep your eyes
open or closed?
-Zach: I keep them open.
-Victoria: Oh, okay.
Zach: I will say,
every few seconds, I blink.
♪♪
♪♪
Zach: Does anyone have
any questions? Yeah?
Andrew: My, uh, older brother
was a masseuse.
Baxter: Ah, yes.
Andrew's infamous
older-brother story.
It is like a mystery
wrapped in a riddle
We talking about
his dead brother Mandell?
-Victoria: Yeah.
-Andrew: He went on a retreat
to India, uh, three years ago.
He had some trouble there.
He was kidnapped...
and we assume died.
Zach:
Why do you assume that?
Andrew: Where is he?
Where are you?!
Where are you?
Victoria: How do you know
he was kidnapped?
Amir:
What if he just decided to stay
and enjoyed it there
better than --
Baxter: Has anyone
written you a letter that said,
"I am enjoying it here in India.
I'm gonna stay"?
Andrew:
Yes, we did get that letter,
but we assumed
that was from the kidnappers.
Amir: What?
I heard when Andrew was a kid,
his head got hit by a car.
Just the head.
Andrew: You start
in the middle of the back?
Zach: Yeah, start
in the middle of the back,
I just start with two fingers
right here
and I go -- I lean in
and I whisper, "Is that okay?"
Then if you go, "Mm-hmm,"
then I go, "What about that?"
Then I go out a little further.
"What about here?
Is this pleasure
that you feel now
as I go around?
Are we feeling pleasure
in these places?"
If you start to go,
"No. No, I hate that,"
pfft -- goes back in.
Then I go,
"That's the zone, there."
Then I massage it.
Amir:
All right. I'm sold.
-Let's do this.
-Andrew: I'm after him.
Victoria: Oh,
it just happens right here.
Zach:
You're keeping your shirt on?
-Amir: Yes, I am.
-Zach: Okay.
If that's
what makes you comfortable.
Does this give you pleasure?
♪♪
Chelsea: I have
a hot new listing in the 'Sades.
What? I don't have time
to say "Pacific Palisades."
Today I'm showing this home
to mega-church televangelist
Reverend Coyne.
He's the guy
who's always crying on TV.
Coyne: Hallelujah, Chelsea.
Hallelujah.
This is a beautiful home.
What is the asking price
of this house?
Chelsea:
Uh, it's $11 million.
Coyne:
Oh, $11 million for this house.
It just seems
like maybe the devil
-is possessing that number...
-Chelsea: Oh!
Coyne:
...and pushing it up high.
But the Lord has asked us
to see this house.
Chelsea:
He has asked you? And he has
asked you, Brother Gayle?
Gayle:
He has asked all of us.
Well, mainly him,
but we follow the words
through his voice of the Lord.
Chelsea:
Was that a sentence?
Gayle:
That was a sentence, Sister.
-I was speaking from the heart.
-Chelsea: Okay.
It just sounded like words
you just found.
Coyne: My congregation and I,
we love this home,
but we aren't the buyers.
-The buyer is the Lord.
-Chelsea: Oh.
Coyne:
And we have to make sure
the Lord is impressed
with this house.
Chelsea:
Uh, I've seen his manger.
the Lord is gonna be impressed
by this house.
Now, the property
does have a three-car garage.
I hope that's suitable for you.
-Coyne: Three cars!
-Gayle: Three cars!
Coyne: The Lord
does not want to pay $11 million
-for a three-car garage.
-Gayle: No, he does not.
-♪ Five cars ♪
-Coyne: Five cars.
I will not give the money
my congregation has given to me,
especially when I can't even
fit half of my cars
-in the garage.
-Chelsea: Right. Okay.
Coyne: You know,
the Lord can look on MLS
and see
that there have been no offers.
And the last time this house
was for sale was for 10.8,
which means the return
on the investment is slight.
Chelsea:
Ooh. I'm gonna need my prayers
answered to make this sale.
♪♪
Todd: Oh, sorry.
I just got to --
-Baxter:
Why don't we go this way?
-Todd: Okay.
Baxter: Todd is the janitor
at Platinum.
Is it stuck?
Todd:
No, no. It's moving.
Baxter:
He's been here forever.
Todd:
We'll just do that.
-Baxter:
You got to come this way.
-Todd: Okay.
Baxter: And he is in the way
all of the time.
Yeah, let's do it
like we would on a highway.
-Todd: Okay.
-Baxter: Cool.
-Okay, now you need to --
-Todd: I lived in Europe
-for a while, so I...
-Baxter: Oh, okay.
-Yeah, American highway.
-Todd: American highway?
-Baxter: Yeah, yeah.
-Todd: Okay, great.
-I think that worked.
-Baxter: I think that worked.
-Great.
-Todd: All right.
Baxter: All right.
He is annoying as shit.
Todd: [ Crunching ]
Dean: Todd.
Todd: Well, there he is --
boss man.
-Dean: Yes, that's correct.
-Todd: The head hondo.
Dean: "Honcho" I believe
is the word you're looking for.
Todd: "Hondo" is
a John Wayne movie.
Dean:
I'm sure you're correct.
I myself only watch films
in foreign languages.
Todd:
Like "Au Revoir Les Enfants"?
Dean: Yes, that's correct.
Are you familiar
with the works of Louis Malle?
Todd: I lived in France
for a while, man.
Dean: Whereabouts?
Todd: I was
in the trois arrondissement.
Dean:
Mm. Very close to the Tower.
Todd: Yeah,
pretty close to the Tower.
Dean: Todd, there have been
some complaints...
about your work.
Todd:
I-I put that severed finger
in that coffee can.
I-I'm so sorry
that somebody found it.
It was just intended to be
a safekeeping place
until I found a better place
to dispose of it.
Because it's medical waste,
so --
Dean: I'm gonna stop you there.
That was not the complaint.
Todd:
So nobody found the finger?
Dean: Not as yet.
There actually has been
a different complaint.
Todd: Yeah, I-I could not find
a dog sitter for the day,
and Brutus -- you know,
Rottweilers, they gotta chew,
so, you know, when he's
right next to that couch,
he's just gonna
bite into that thing.
Dean: Which couch
did this Brutus bite?
-Todd: That's not what it is?
-Dean: That's not what it is,
but I'm a little curious now
as to which couch.
Todd: There's not
a lot of damage, so...
[ Crunching ]
♪♪
-Glenn: Hey, guys.
-Amir: Hey, buddy.
Andrew: There he is.
-How was it?
-Victoria: Hey, there.
Glenn: It was weird.
The guy barely even touched me.
It was like I didn't
get a massage at all.
-Amir: For real?
-Glenn: Yeah.
He was, like, staying
an inch above my body.
Andrew:
Did you shower today?
-Glenn: Yeah, I showered today.
-Andrew: I don't know.
Don't get defensive.
I'm asking you.
Victoria:
Do you have psoriasis?
Glenn: I don't have psoriasis.
I'm a bath guy.
And I lotion up
after I get out of the water.
I use a 12-hour lotion,
and I reapply every two hours
just to be safe.
Did you guys get good massages?
I mean...
Amir:
I mean, I got a happy ending,
so yeah,
I got a pretty good massage.
-Did you get a happy ending?
-Glenn: Uh...
Amir:
You got a happy ending, right?
Baxter: Yeah, of course.
Andrew:
I got a happy ending,
and then he tried
to go for a second,
and I did back him down.
Victoria:
My ending was very happy.
We didn't get happy endings.
[ Chuckles ]
That one person that doesn't get
the happy ending,
you know why they don't.
The masseuse is so disgusted.
-Baxter: Yeah. Yeah.
-Victoria: They, like, can't...
Baxter:
There's nothing more telling
-of your attractive level...
-Victoria: Uh-huh.
Baxter: ...than getting
a happy ending or not.
Glenn:
Okay, so, everyone --
I mean, how did --
You just --
Amir: He did this thing
where he cupped my balls,
and I came to completion,
and somehow --
I don't know what happened.
Like, he caught it --
He was using both hands.
it was like "The Matrix."
Amazing.
Baxter: 'Cause I didn't see him
swallow it,
and I didn't see it
go anywhere.
Glenn:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, me too.
Baxter:
So you did get a happy ending?
Glenn:
I-I -- The massage was shit,
but I creamed harder --
Victoria: But you said, like,
he didn't touch you that much.
Glenn: Take a note --
Don't take much
to make me cream.
Amir: Tell me what was it like.
What did he do to you?
Glenn:
He came in fast and hard.
Andrew: Did he, uh,
go around to the back porch?
Did he have tea
on the back porch?
Glenn: Are you saying
he took his time?
-Yeah, he took his time.
-Andrew: No, no, no, no, no.
Baxter:
Did he pee in your butt?
Glenn: Did he pee
in your guys' butt?
[ Laughter ]
Baxter: Hell yeah, he did.
Amir: He peed in my butt.
Andrew: I asked you --
"Did you have tea
on the back porch?
So yeah, did he pee
inside your butt?
Glenn: Yeah, there was
a nice decaffeinated pee
on the back porch.
[ Both laugh ]
Baxter: Glenn!
-Andrew: That was awesome.
-Baxter: Yes.
Andrew:
But almost sad at points.
Baxter:
Yeah, sad. Uh-huh.
-But then awesome again.
-Andrew: Then awesome again.
-Happy ending handshakes,
-Baxter: Let's do this.
Victoria: Well, for me,
that doesn't really work.
Andrew:
You can just kind of flick
the top of it with your fingers.
-Yeah!
-Glenn: Boom!
-Andrew: Boom!
-Glenn: Yeah!
Baxter:
Where'd the cum go?
-Andrew: Yeah, where does it go?
-Amir: Unbelievable.
Glenn: I'm gonna go back in
and look for it, actually.
-Andrew: Cum hunt.
-Glenn: Cum hunt.
Maybe I'll have
some more of that tea.
-Baxter: Ha ha!
-Glenn: On the back porch.
Baxter: My man!
Glenn: I'm gonna get a handjob
from that young man
even if I have to fit him
with a magnet mitten
and me with a steel rod
in my urethra.
I've actually put some thought
into this.
♪♪
Chelsea: As you can see,
this outdoor space
is perfectly suited
to entertaining.
Coyne: I've all
the entertainment I need
right here in this good book.
-Chelsea: I bet you do.
-Coyne: Am I right? [ Laughs ]
Now, I sense --
correct me if I'm wrong --
you are a nonbeliever.
Chelsea: You got me.
[ Laughs ]
Coyne:
I would love you in my flock.
Chelsea: Yo, I'm not joining
that dude's Yankee-ass flock.
Coyne:
I used to sell cars.
I used to sell cars to people
who couldn't afford the cars.
And then I found the Lord,
but I wouldn't believe in
the Lord until I saw a miracle.
When I come across a nonbeliever
like yourself,
I have to call on the Lord,
and say,
"Lord, show this woman
a miracle.
We must have food.
Provide me food!
And the Lord doth...provide.
Gayle: Oh! Hallelujah.
Chelsea: No, that's
a disgusting old hamburger.
Coyne:
Disgusting and old?
You are just mistaking that
for a turkey burger.
Chelsea:
Okay, well, then, uh,
why don't you take
a big ol' juicy bite of that?
-Coyne: Right now?
-Chelsea: Yeah,
just chomp into it.
Coyne:
Well, no, I'm fasting.
Chelsea:
God hates this guy.
♪♪
Dean:
Todd, here is the complaint --
Todd: I will stop
sex trafficking immediately.
[ Crunches ]
I'm just trying to find
good jobs for those ladies.
Dean:
Are you -- Are you doing this
out of this building?
Todd: Yeah. I mean, it's
a nice office, it's convenient.
I'm here a lot of the day,
so when I moonlight,
this is where I do it.
[ Crunches ]
Dean: Well...
moonlighting, as a rule,
is frowned upon.
-Todd: The show?
-Dean: No, it --
Todd: Or the practice
of holding a second job?
Dean:
I think everyone around here
generally enjoys the show.
Todd: 'Cause the first season
really holds up.
Dean: Yes, when it was a sort of
"Will they or won't they?"
but then once they actually
did...
Todd: Yeah, once they did,
there was no story left to tell.
Dean:
The bloom was off the rose.
Todd: Yeah.
Dean: Todd, what you do on
your own time is your business.
-That's not the complaint.
-Todd: Okay. [ Crunches ]
Dean: Can I ask you --
just take a brief sabbatical
from eating the carrots.
Todd:
I mean, you put baby carrots
out there like that,
it can be awfully tempting.
Dean: Who can resist?
Todd, I'm going to tell you
what the complaint is.
Dean: You apparently have not
refilled the soap dispenser
in the ladies' washroom
on the second floor.
Todd: God damn it!
How often do you need
that soap dispenser refilled?
Dean: Well, I-I think
only as often as it's empty.
Todd: Jesus.
I feel bad about that now.
-Dean: Oh, you do feel bad?
-Todd: I do feel bad about that.
Dean: The finger,
you're okay with?
Todd:
The finger, I'm okay with.
Dean: Sex trafficking?
Todd: These ladies
come from the Ukraine.
It's very oppressive there.
They need to find work.
I feel bad about
that soap dispenser, man.
I'm gonna do that right now --
soon as I'm off my break.
Dean: How much time
is left on your break?
Todd: Two hours.
Dean: That's --
That seems rather excessive.
Todd: I was told
I make my own schedule.
Dean: Who...
Who would have told you this?
-Todd: Your boss.
-Dean: My boss?
Todd:
The guy you work under.
Dean: You know
that this is my company?
Todd: [ Crunching ]
There was another guy.
Dean: Did you switch
to potato chips?
Todd: These are, like, a layer
with salt and pepper.
-Dean: Mm-hmm.
-Todd: It's wonderful.
-They're crisp-cut.
-Dean: Mm-hmm.
Todd: Very good.
Dean: Crinkled.
♪♪
♪♪
Chelsea:
I'm trying to sell a house
to a fake preacher.
Coyne: Oh, the Lord
is telling me that I am parched.
Thank you.
My flock provides
just as the Lord.
Chelsea: He wants me to believe
God is on his side
so I'll drop the price.
Coyne:
But you know what?
It's such a beautiful evening
out here
that I perhaps would love
a glass of wine.
Water become wine!
Chelsea:
Literally nothing happened.
Coyne:
Mmm. That is wine.
Gayle:
Oh! Hallelujah!
Coyne: Hallelujah.
That is wine.
Chelsea: Oh, okay.
Can I try some?
Coyne:
You would like to try this?
A-All right. One second.
Let me just take a sip.
Chelsea: You can't --
Gayle: ♪ Down the hatch ♪
♪ Down the hatch ♪
-Chelsea: Very good.
-Gayle: ♪ Down the hatch ♪
Coyne: Oh, my God.
It's empty.
It is absolutely empty.
Chelsea: I wish I could
turn this jackass into a buyer.
That would be a miracle.
Coyne: Look at this pool.
This pool is so beautiful.
But wouldn't it even be better
if we had water features --
cascading jets shooting
streams of waters around it
so it makes the pool
a centerpiece of a backyard!
Chelsea: Yeah,
the pool has water features.
Anyone can see that --
right here
on the miracle of the MLS.
Coyne:
Lord, if you believe
that this pool
should have water features,
I want you to give me
water features, Lord!
Gayle: Oh! Hallelujah!
It's a miracle!
it's a miracle!
Oh, yes, you did!
Coyne: Sister Chelsea
believes in you, Lord!
Chelsea:
So I lied. A lie to a Realtor
is like a wrench to a plumber.
Finally this house has something
to offer me and my congregation!
Chelsea:
This isn't that bad.
I once become Amish
to close a deal
on a five-bedroom
in Culver City.
♪♪
Glenn: Okay, everybody,
thanks for coming together
for one more meeting
before we leave for the night.
Everyone else
got handjobs today,
and frankly, it's not fair.
Just want to go over
some office protocol, all right?
Dean wants us to be
more like Google?
Well, I can tell you there are
plenty of handjobs at Google.
Ask Jeeves.
Here at Platinum Realty,
we're a team,
and when teams win together...
-Amir: They...
-Glenn: ...they...
-Victoria: Lose together.
-Glenn: They lose together.
The point is, if we win,
we all win together.
If we lose,
we all lose together.
So if we win
and we get something,
then we all get
that something, okay?
One of us gets a listing, then
we all have a listing, right?
Victoria:
No, that's not it at all.
Amir: Whoever gets the listing
gets the listing.
Baxter: Is this about you
not getting a happy ending?
Glenn: No! That's not --
That's n-- I mean --
-Victoria: I knew it.
-Andrew: Wait, if it's not that,
is this about you
not getting a happy ending?
-Glenn: No!
-Amir: Follow-up question?
-Glenn: Yes.
-Amir: If that's not the case,
then is it because
you didn't get a happy ending?
-Glenn: No!
-Andrew: That's true.
Glenn: Enough, okay?
This is just like all
the other times in the office
where I'm getting excluded
and you guys
are having fun together.
Like when we all ordered
that 6-foot party sub
and I didn't
get to have any of it.
I still had to eat the carrots
and the hummus
that I made at home.
Or the time that Victoria,
you had a pool party
and I found about it
on Instagram
because no one told me about it.
Victoria:
Well, I didn't want you to go.
Glenn:
Look, I deserve a handjob
You got it stroked,
you got it stroked,
you got it stroked,
you got it poked.
I deserve it, too!
Andrew:
You make great hummus.
Glenn: The secret is
to de-skin the garbanzos
and add the lemon juice
at the last minute.
You want to know
the real happy ending?
The real happy ending
is respect,
and I deserve it
just as much as you guys do.
That's the happy ending
I want -- respect.
Baxter:
I think it's a slow clap.
Andrew: Oh.
That's it -- slow clap.
That's a slow clap.
Glenn:
Come on, everybody.
Victoria: I'm done here.
Baxter: Me too.
Victoria: I'm going home.
Baxter: And just so you know,
I got it poked, too.
♪♪
♪♪
Coyne:
Now, I like this house!
Gayle:
Ooh! He like the house.
Chelsea:
Today, I brought Reverend Coyne
back to the house.
The final step
to making the sale --
I got to get saved.
Coyne: But I do not love
this house.
Gayle: Mm-hmm!
Coyne: Because the devil
is in this house!
Gayle:
All up in the house!
Coyne:
Does anyone among you
-want to be saved?
-Chelsea: Yes, I do.
Gayle: You better, Sister.
Go up to him.
Coyne:
Please, come up and join me.
-Say "Hello, Lord!"
-Chelsea: Hello, Lord!
-Coyne:
Say "I want to be saved."
-Chelsea: I want to be saved!
Coyne: "I will lower the price
to get the devil out!"
Chelsea: Oh, how much?
Coyne: If you want
to get the devil out,
you got to get the price down!
If you want
to get the devil out,
you got to get the price down!
Chelsea: All right, I'm gonna
drop the price 750 below asking.
Coyne: Oh, hallelujah!
That is a miracle!
And the devil is cast out
into that beautiful ocean!
The devil will go
far, far away -- to Catalina.
Now let us go sign the paperwork
the Lord has prepared.
-♪ Sign the paper ♪
-Chelsea: ♪ Lord ♪
-♪ Paperwork ♪
-Chelsea: ♪ Use me, Lord ♪
-♪ Sign the paper ♪
-Chelsea: ♪ Sign it ♪
Together: ♪ Paperwork ♪
Chelsea: ♪ Paperwooork ♪
The seller
had already given me authority
to drop the price
up to a million below asking.
Thank you, Lord.
[ Smooches ]
♪♪
Glenn: That's n-i-i-i-ice.
O-h-h-h-h, Za-a-a-a-a-ch.
I had Zach come back today.
It's not about a stranger
massaging me to orgasm
in a conference room.
It's about respect.
I think I'm gonna flip over
onto my back now.
Zach: No, we're not
quite at that point yet.
Glenn: Yeah, I got to flip over
onto my back.
-Ohh. That's a lot better, yeah.
-Zach: O...kay.
Is there an area
you want me to f-focus on here?
Glenn: Uh...yeah.
I've been feeling, uh,
the most soreness
in, uh, uh,
this area right here.
Zach: Oh, okay.
-The sort of upper thigh...
-Glenn: Sure, sure.
Zach: Yeah, I can --
I can kind of work that area.
Yyyyeah.
Just...put that...back there,
and --
Why don't I just start
with the hands?
Glenn: [ Laughing ] Yeah.
Zach: We can just...
leave that right here.
Kind of helps...me know
what's on...the up-and-up.
Oh!
Stop it! Look --
Glenn: Maybe start at the legs
and work your way up.
Zach: I -- Sure, yeah.
Glenn: Oh, hey,
your accent sounds familiar.
Are you from Strokesville?
Zach: Mm...no.
Glenn: Are you sure?
Choo-choo!
All aboard the Handjob Express!
Next stop -- Jizztown!
-You need to give me a handjob.
-Zach: Aah!
-No! No!
-Glenn: Come on. We look alike.
It'll be like
you're giving yourself one.
Zach: [ Blows whistle ]
Rape! He's raping me!
[ Blows whistle ]
Glenn: Why not me?!
Zach:
Because I don't love you!
[ Crying ]
[ Both crying ]
Zach:
[ Blowing whistle lightly ]
Glenn: [ Crying ]
I'm so sorry.
[ Sniffles ]
[ Both crying ]
I am so sorry.
-Zach: [ Whimpers ]
-Glenn: Give me --
-Come on! Come on!
-Zach: No!
Why'd you give everyone else one
and not me?
Zach:
I didn't! I didn't!
Glenn: What?!
Nobody got a happy ending?!
Those fiends!
Those diabolical fiends!
[ Laughter ]
Glenn: Go ahead! Laugh!
Ha ha ha!
You sons of bitches!
You bunch of pricks!
-Are you happy?!
-Amir: [ Laughing ] Yes!
Glenn: You made this nice man
cry at my penis,
you bunch of assholes.
[ Laughter ]
Glenn: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Yeah, I know.
None of you guys
got handjobs from this guy.
-Victoria: Of course not!
-Amir: Of course not.
Why would we get a handjob
from this guy?
Victoria: I'm not gonna let
some asexual masseuse
go down on me.
I'm wearing Versace,
for crying out loud.
-Amir: That's disgusting.
-Zach: Not that disgusting.
Glenn: You know
what's really disgusting?
The fact
that you guys would pull
these kind of pranks
and trick someone like me.
All right, I'm an honest person
who just tries to help you
all the time,
and all I ask for is a little
bit of respect in return.
You didn't take my dignity.
I still have it.
Okay, so sit with that
and think about that
for a little bit.
Amir: Wow.
There's your dignity.
-Amir: Just leave it. Leave it.
-Victoria: Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.
♪♪
Baxter: Well, I went
to make coffee this morning,
and I got fingered!
[ Laughs ]
Uh-oh. Nailed it!
[ Laughs ]
I'll call the police now.
We should find out
whose finger this is.
This is a real finger.
Euggh.
It stinks a little bit.