Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
♪♪
-Victoria: It's Monday morning.
And Dean's excited
for us to meet
his old friend, Roger Ramsey.
Dean says Roger can teach us
a lot about sales.
I mean, not me.
I know everything.
-Dean: This gentleman
knows everything
there is to know about sales.
And he's going
to teach it all to you.
He has sold ice to Eskimos.
Literally, he sold
an Inuit family
a four-bedroom condo.
There was a full tray
of ice in the freezer.
He added it to his commission.
Roger Ramsey!
-Roger: As you wish, Dean.
Roger Richard Ramsey,
nicknamed Dick.
But you don't call me Dick
unless you want one
in your mouth.
You two can call me Dick.
Let's find out
about you, sweater.
-Glenn: Hi.
My name's Glenn Bouchard.
I'm the office manager
here at Platinum Realty.
-Roger: So your job
is get me more paper clips.
-Glenn: Uh, I've got three
different kinds in my desk.
But we can go
to the supply room --
-[ Yawns ]
Wow!
-Victoria: Thank you.
Victoria King.
-Roger: Yeah.
I'm storing
something for tonight.
-Victoria: Okay.
-Roger: Unless you wanna
be there in person.
-Victoria: No, I'm good.
I'm good.
-Roger: What's your name, honey?
-Amir: My name's Amir Yaghoob.
Can you go
to the next person, please?
-Roger: No, I can't, Amir.
Balls, balls, balls, balls.
-Amir: Uh...
-Roger: It slides down.
It goes right
into the fucking orifice
that shouldn't be talking
unless I'm talking to it.
What's your name, sister?
-Chelsea: I'm Chelsea.
-Roger: I know a hotel
named Chelsea.
-Chelsea: Don't...
-Roger: I've been inside of her.
-Chelsea: I don't wanna
know about it.
-Roger: Mm.
Who are you, sweetie?
-Andrew: Andrew Wright.
I'm a -- uh -- a man.
-Ever been blacked out and have
a dick drawn on your face?
-Andrew: Yes.
-Roger: Yeah, I thought so.
Who else do we have
in the all-girl choir?
You don't look like you're
a real estate agent.
-Baxter: My name
is Baxter Reynolds.
I'm a...
-Roger: "I'm Baxter Reynolds."
I know Burt Reynolds.
-Baxter: How?
-Roger: 'Cause I fucking party.
I do cocaine.
I know all the stars.
I used to hang out
with Buddy Ebsen.
-Baxter: I don't know
who that is.
-Roger: He was
the original Tin Man!
-Chelsea: I thought
it was Nipsey Russell.
-Roger: Nipsey Russell
was not the original Tin Man,
maybe in "The Wiz."
-Chelsea: I think it was
"The Wiz."
-Roger: Don't fucking get racist
with me!
The original cast
of "The Wizard of Oz"
-Chelsea: Okay.
-Roger: Was all white!
-Do you like to make money?
-Andrew: Hell yeah.
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Victoria: Yeah.
-Roger: Do you like
to make money?
-Andrew: Hell yeah!
-Unison: Yes.
-Chelsea: Of course.
-Roger: Jesus Christ.
I've seen more enthusiasm
on death row.
-Amir: I question Roger's
methods as a fellow salesman.
I respect him, though,
as a fellow asshole.
-Roger: Buy this book,
"Rare Steaks
and Deals Well Done"
by Roger Ramsey.
-Chelsea: He's got
this overhead projector.
And he's, like, showing
us slides, or some...
I don't know.
What is this, a museum?
Am I looking at a fossil?
-Roger: What do you all see?
Office supplies,
what do you see?
-Glenn: Seems to be
three weird shapes
that are out of focus, sir.
-Roger: No imagination.
Angie.
-Andrew: Andrew.
-Roger: Is it -IE,
with a smiley face over the I?
-Andrew: If you were gonna spell
it that way, that...
-Roger: What do you see, Angie?
-Andrew: No.
I see an upside-down
mermaid face.
-Roger: Upside-down mermaid
face.
Okay.
How 'bout now?
-Andrew: It's a right-side up,
uh, mermaid face.
-Roger: Pantyhose,
what do you see?
-Baxter: Three jewels?
-Roger: We're getting there.
Three jewels where?
-Andrew: On the Nile.
-Baxter: On the Nile?
-Roger: Christ.
-Victoria: Why don't you tell us
what you want us to see?
-Roger: A fucking pile of cash!
-Victoria: Okay.
-Roger: That's
what I fucking see!
That's all
I see is money, money!
You divine it!
You fucking make it rain!
It's so you can make
it fucking rain!
-Amir: I'm showing
new clients houses in Malibu
and West Hollywood today.
They happen to be lesbians.
Watch the chameleon work.
As you follow me over here...
Voilà!
-Liz: Okay.
-Amir: The money shot,
or you know, whatever.
-Liz: Yeah, a decent view.
I see the ocean.
But I'm just
wondering in terms of,
like, scalability, what's
on the other side of that?
-Amir: Japan is on
the other side of that.
-Liz: I don't mean the...
-You have the whole Pacific
Ocean here.
-Liz: No.
I mean on the other side
of this...
-Jamie: Of the...
-Liz: Uh, Plexiglass wall.
Or maybe it's,
like, bulletproof.
Is it bulletproof?
-Amir: Uh, no.
It's not bulletproof.
-Amir: I think you guys
are being a --
a little too paranoid.
We're in Los Angeles.
And you can be gay
and not get attacked.
It's fine.
Are you guys from, like Alabama,
or...
-Liz: Wait.
Number one: Do not even
start to tell me anything
about what it's like to be gay
unless you're gay.
Are you gay?
-Amir: Fuck no.
-Jamie: Well that was
a weird tone.
-Liz: That's a terrible thing
to say.
-Amir: I...
-Liz: We are not concerned
about being attacked
for being gay.
We're concerned
because we're famous people.
Do you not know we're famous?
-Amir: Of course I know
that you're famous.
You think I don't do
my research?
I had no idea they were famous.
-Liz: And I don't even
mean famous.
I mean, like --
like, women, you know,
tattooing our faces
on their faces.
Like, a lesbian
calls out our name
during sex with her partner.
-Jamie: Yeah.
And they're both into it.
-Amir: Your work,
it goes beyond saying.
-Liz: Uh-huh.
-Amir: So I don't need to say.
-Liz: He doesn't know
the name of the show.
-Amir: I do know the name
of your show.
I do know the name of your show.
-Liz: We're on a show
called "Butch & Cassidy."
"Bitch --
Butch & Cassidy!"
Yeah.
All right.
Keep going.
-Liz: No.
I mean,
are you not getting that?
-Jamie: It's our thing.
-Okay, I get your concerns.
I understand what's going
on here.
And I want you to know
that I'm gonna find you a house
that speaks
to all of your concerns,
or I won't be glad.
[GLAAD]
Isn't that a gay thing?
'Cause I --
I read "Gay for Dummies" before.
-Liz: Yeah.
I mean, that's --
that's a thing.
-Amir: It's, like, a thing.
Baxter: We have
an open house today
in the very famous Beverly Hills
Post Office neighborhood.
-Andrew: 9021--
-Both: Oh, yeah!
-Baxter: Do we have enough?
I mean, we have the vodka
ice luge...
-Andrew: Bax, look at this
place.
I think this place
will sell itself.
-Baxter: Yeah, but I just...
-Andrew: Oh, no.
It's Serge and Gio.
-Serge: Are you going
to kiss me first?
-Baxter: Before what?
-Serge: Before you fuck me.
-Baxter: Serge and Gio
own Platinum's number one rival:
Infinity Realty.
-Andrew: They think that
every house within the zip-code
of Beverly Hills Post Office
belongs to them.
-Serge: How you doing?
-Andrew: I'm fine.
-Serge: Oh, I forget --
Don't run away.
Don't run away.
Don't run away.
Where are we? You've already
made yourself at home.
Why don't you tell us
where we are?
-Serge: You made yourself
at home.
Tell me. Just say where we are.
-Gio: Say where we are.
-Baxter: Beverly Hills.
-Serge: Ah.
-Baxter: Post Office.
Both: Beverly Hills
Post Office.
Beverly Hills Post Office, eh?
-Serge: You usually sell houses
in Beverly Hills Post Office?
-Gio: This is your turf?
-Andrew: I mean,
we can do business anywhere.
-Baxter: We...
-Andrew: No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Baxter: No, no, no, no.
-Andrew: Serge. Serge. Serge.
-Serge: No one's going
to point a gun at you.
No one's going
to point a gun at you.
-Andrew: Jesus Christ!
Put the gun away!
-Serge: No one's going
to point a gun at you!
-Andrew: No!
-Gio: Do it.
Do it.
Are you gonna do it?
-Baxter: Stop. Serge, stop.
-Serge: I love this man.
-Gio: Do it.
-This man pulled me out of...
-Gio: Do it.
-Serge: A pile of corpses in
Montenegro.
-Gio: Do it.
-And I will kill him
right now.
-Do it. You are here watching
"The Smurfs" on TV.
-You watch "The Smurfs."
And we were a pile
of corpses in Montenegro.
-Baxter: Do it.
-Serge: Huh?
-Andrew: Do it.
-Serge: No.
-Gio: Do it.
He's calling my bluff.
I'm calling your bluff.
You do it.
Do it.
-Andrew: I'm calling
everybody's bluff.
I'm calling your bluff.
Don't do it.
-Serge: Okay, guys.
Here, guys.
Here's how it goes.
-Gio: Just shoot him.
They don't get...
-Serge: Don't worry about him.
-Stop. Stop the gun.
-The gun is just
a talking point.
-Baxter: We need
stronger talking point
control laws
in this country.
-Serge: Everything you sell
in Beverly Hills Post Office,
1 percent.
-Gio: You get this much pie.
We get that much pie.
One percent.
-Andrew: And you guys
won't bother us again?
-Serge: No, we will bother you
all the fucking time.
-Gio: No, yeah.
Every time.
Every time.
-Serge: Every time
you cross the...
-Gio: Every time you cross to
here we're gonna be
in your fucking business.
I'm gonna break his finger.
-No, I don't --
Yes, yes, 1%.
-Serge: There we go.
Fine.
Hi, guys.
-Andrew: Jesus Christ!
Okay.
-Serge: Do you leave this here?
-Baxter: Why would that be ours?
-Gio: So you didn't
bring a sword?
-Serge: You didn't bring sword?
-Baxter: We'd never
bring a sword
to an open house!
-Serge: Welcome to Beverly Hills
Post Office.
How 'bout that?
How you like that?
-Gio: How you like that?
-Serge: We're gonna take our
sword.
We're gonna go.
-Baxter: So it is your sword.
-Andrew: Oh, it is your sword.
-Of course, it's my sword!
-Gio: I feel like you should've
put that together.
-No, we did.
-No, we did.
-We did.
-You just -- you...
-Oh, okay.
You guys ever been to
Infrared Sauna?
You wanna come?
-Baxter: We can't
get an appointment there.
I've been trying to get
an appointment there for a year.
-Serge: Come on.
Come on.
We know the guy.
-Gio: We know the guy.
Watch out for the bush.
Come on.
Oh, Jesus.
-Serge: Step out of the bushes.
That's what I just said, retard.
What's your problem?
Really, what's your problem?
-Baxter: Sorry.
♪♪
-Roger: Look alive, girls,
man on the floor!
-Victoria: Roger?
-Roger: Man on the floor.
-Glenn: What's going on, man?
-Roger: Roger
has decided to take
a little staycation.
-Glenn: Staycation.
-Roger: Yeah, you get it.
-Amir: What does that mean?
-Victoria: Yeah.
What do you mean?
-Roger: The Dean kind
of let it slip
that he's looking
for a new partner.
So I've decided to accept.
-Victoria: What?
-Glenn: What?
-Amir: He made you partner?
-Roger: What do I have
to do, outsell you guys?
That's easier done than said.
-Victoria: Where does this guy
get off?
-Amir: In the break room!
I walked in on him.
And he didn't even care!
-Roger: All right.
Stand up, paper clips.
-Glenn: Okay, that's...
-Amir: You honestly think
you can sell more than us?
-Roger: How could I not?
Ugh.
This is my desk now,
by the way, hon.
-That's a lot of my stuff.
-Roger: Yeah.
Your stuff belongs
down there, not up here.
You guys have so much to learn.
Mm.
Reminds me of my dad,
buried at sea...we think.
Get yourself one of these
if you wanna be successful.
It's called a Rolodex.
That's how sales are made.
This is where you make calls.
I don't want that!
-Amir: What's wrong with you?
-Roger: What's wrong with me?
What's right with me?
Everything.
-Amir: And you're getting
hammered at work.
-Roger: Getting hammered?
Shit, I'm already there.
Join me.
-Amir: Yeah.
-Glenn: I just set up over
there. So if you need me...
-Roger: Right on the floor,
where I need you.
Amir, what are you working on?
-Amir: I'm working on closing
a $20 million home
in West Hollywood.
-Roger: West Hollywood?
That should be easy.
Just get a sailor, Nancy-boy,
tightrope walker, slinky.
-Amir: Wow.
-Victoria: Those aren't actually
slurs.
-Roger: They are now.
You, get me a T-bone steak
and a pot of coffee.
And keep it coming.
-Victoria: Excuse me?
I'm not your secretary.
-Roger: Ah.
-Victoria: In fact, I'm
your biggest competition here.
-Roger: You are not
my competition
because I don't
have any, Vickie.
You are under me,
or you soon will be.
Ugh.
Don't waste good scotch, Glenn!
-Glenn: Sorry.
I didn't see the label.
-Victoria: You know, Roger,
I liked you in the beginning.
-Roger: Liked?
-Victoria: Yeah.
-Roger: That's past tense.
-Glenn: Now that I know what it
is, I think I'll be all right.
-Roger: What is it, Vickie?
-Victoria: I just
wanna make something clear.
-Roger: Yep.
-Victoria: I don't know
when the last... Jesus Christ.
-Roger: You're gonna keep
doing it until you get it right,
Glenn.
If you don't swallow it,
I will punch you in the dick.
Go.
-Victoria: You're gonna --
you're gonna get hit in
the dick.
-Roger: Throw it up.
-Victoria: Ugh.
-Roger: Get me a fucking steak,
honey!
-Amir: Are you okay?
-Glenn: It's fine.
It helped me swallow
a lot of it.
-Roger: All right.
Let's make some calls.
Glenn, hook up this phone.
Hello.
Can I speak
to Barbara Gregory, please?
I'm gonna need more Scotch
and some petty cash.
-Amir: I'm taking Liz and Jamie
to a great house
in West Hollywood.
None of the previous houses have
met their security standards.
Not enough security?
It's like,
"Don't flatter yourself, ladies.
Nobody wants to kill you."
And if you'll follow me,
you're gonna see this beautiful
open kitchen...
-Liz: Oh, yeah.
-Amir: Perfect
for lesbian breakfast...
-Liz: I like that dining...
-Amir: Lesbian lunch.
-Liz: That window is --
is nerve-racking, though.
-Jamie: Oh, yeah.
That's way too much window.
-Liz: I mean, 'cause somebody
could just get, you know...
If you just do the dive over.
-Jamie: Yeah.
They could just
dive right in there.
There's a wall
there, though.
There's a wall there,
right by the window.
-Jamie: They could climb
up the wall.
-Glenn: I've got the specs for
the house in the... Oh, my god!
-Amir: Oh, you ladies
are gonna love the...
-Glenn: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
It's Butch & Cassidy.
-Jamie: Yeah, it's us.
-Glenn: I've seen every episode
of "Butch & Cassidy," like,
25 times.
It, uh, it is probably, by far,
the greatest show ever
created about two lesbian women
that move west at the turn
of the 20th Century
and create
an all-female frontier town.
Oh, my God!
-Liz: So, um, I mean,
I'm a little surprised
you love our show so much.
-Jamie: Yeah.
-Amir: Me, too.
-Glenn: Are you...
-Liz: Not the typical fan.
What other shows
do you like to watch?
-Glenn: Uh, well,
top of the list
is definitely historical fiction
lesbian dramas.
Um, but I'm also
very much into,
uh, you know, soccer dramedies.
-Liz: Right.
-Glenn: Uh, and then I love
super cuts of,
like, "Red Shoe Diaries"
with the sex taken out.
-Amir: That's great.
Isn't that great?
I think it's great.
Get the fuck out of here now.
Get the fuck out of here.
-Glenn: Is that code?
-Amir: No, that's not --
Get the fuck out of here.
-Liz: Don't hurt him.
-Amir: Mm.
He is, uh...
-Liz: Straight up, that
should've been your reaction
when you met us, right?
-Jamie: Yeah.
-Glenn: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
I talked to them.
And they talked to me!
-Victoria: Probably an hour.
I'm at an open house right now.
-Gio: Oh, my God.
Look at this beautiful creature.
-Serge: Oh, my god!
-Victoria: All right.
Just call it in.
Thank you.
-Serge: Oh, my God.
Am I dreaming this?
-Victoria: Serge, Gio.
-Gio: Speak to my face.
-Serge: Did you think about
what we said to you, huh?
-Victoria: I did.
And unfortunately,
my answer's the same that it was
in all 37 of those e-mails.
-[ Both groan ]
-Serge and Gio have been
trying to poach me
from Dean for months.
It's annoying,
but I can't blame them.
I'm irresistible.
-Serge: What,
uh, what would it take...
-Gio: What will it take
for you to be a partner with us?
What would it take --
Your power.
-Victoria: I love working
for Dean, okay?
-Gio: Whoa.
It's like a battered woman.
A battered woman say,
"Oh, I'm so sorry!"
-Victoria: We get each other.
-Gio: "I'm so sorry,
Chris Brown! I'm so sorry!"
-Don't be a battered woman.
-Victoria: Hey!
-Both: Don't be
a battered woman.
-Victoria: I will take your nut
sac, and I will turn it...
-Serge: Do it. You can do
anything you want to my nut sac.
Come on, Victoria.
-Victoria: And then I will
serve it
to your fucking friends.
-That's why we love you!
-Touch me again...
-Gio: I will watch
the whole thing.
-That's why we love you! You're
us! You'll eat someone's balls.
-To prove a point
about real estate.
-Serge: We -- we dig that.
-Gio: We love that.
-Serge: In Montenegro, we had to
because we were starving.
Now...
-Victoria: A man's balls?
-Gio: What other kind
of balls are there?
-Like, an animal's.
It could be, like, a bull's.
-Oh, that's true.
Bulls' balls are good, though.
-Serge: That's, like,
dessert compared
to what we eat in Montenegro.
-Victoria: Well, that's
what I'm asking.
Did you... Was it...
-I'm saying you're like us.
And you know
what I mean by that.
You're a cunt.
-Gio: Horrible.
-Serge: You're, like, the worst.
I'm saying that...
-Gio: We say that as...
-Serge: That with love
because we love you.
-We're not like,
"Oh, you're a cunt."
-Are you saying you're a cunt?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Come be a cunt with us.
-It doesn't change the word
if you turn it up.
-Come be a cunt with us.
-That doesn't... No.
-We mean good.
-Okay. I've got...
-We don't mean...
-Gio: We mean good cunt.
-Victoria: I don't like cunt.
Uh, can we come up
with something else?
-Gio: Bitch.
-Serge: Be a bitch.
-No, because then
you could be a little bitch.
-Serge: Oh, my god.
Stop it.
Come to us. Come to us.
-Victoria: What is this?
-Gio: Come to the dark side.
-Victoria: What is this?
-It's hard to see because it's
charcoal on black.
-Gio: That was a mistake.
-This is your business card?
-Serge: Yeah, it's our...
-Gio: We wrote black on card
stock and black
on ink, which was a mistake.
-Why would you do that?
-Gio: It was a mistake.
-Serge: Here's the thing.
We did some market research,
and what we need is you.
Okay? Beautiful, Asian lady...
-Victoria: What?
-Serge: That people can see.
People in my office.
-Gio: So they say, "Oh!
Oh, she's beautiful! Like..."
-Victoria: Guys, I'm not --
I'm not Asian.
I'm not Asian.
-Gio: Don't be modest.
-Serge: Don't be modest.
-Victoria: No, I'm -- no,
I'm telling you I'm not Asian.
-Serge: Not at all?
-Victoria: No!
-Gio: No.
You not a little happy?
-I don't look Asian!
-Oh, yeah.
You do.
-You have happy eyes.
You're real skinny,
with the happy eyes.
-Victoria: Oh, of course
I'm skinny.
But I have huge,
beautiful doll eyes.
-Serge: Can I have that back?
-No, no. You can't.
-Serge: It was good seeing you.
-Gio: Good seeing you.
If you're ever at
the El Toredo, mention us.
You get 20 percent
off appetizer.
-So, now you don't want me
because I'm not Asian?
-Serge: Yeah. Yeah, that's
right. That's exactly right.
-Victoria: That was
the whole point of this?
You only ever wanted me
because you thought I was Asian?
-Serge: And a bitch, yeah.
-Amir: I'm so close
to selling this house
to a celebrity lesbian couple.
It's lesbians.
And now, my favorite part
of the house: master bedroom,
where all the lesbian magic
goes down.
-Liz: Yeah.
I mean, I think we'd flip
this bed out for, like,
a bigger bed 'cause we...
-Jamie: Absolutely.
-Liz: Keep a family bed
with our dogs.
-You can do whatever you want.
You can do
whatever you want.
-Liz: I hate
that you're saying that.
-Jamie: You gotta
stop saying that.
-Amir: No, man.
But I'm just saying gay people
can do what they want.
-Liz: But the way
you're saying it...
Do you know the tone of
your voice that you're speaking?
-Amir: A lot of people
say I sound like Vin Diesel,
like, when he's chilling out.
-Liz: Um...
-Amir: We also have an adjoining
bathroom for lesbian...
-Jamie: Right over...
-Amir: Pee or poop.
-Jamie: What -- what...
-Glenn: Hey. Sorry.
Um, I didn't mean to... Sorry.
I didn't mean to impose.
-Liz: No, that's okay.
That's okay.
-Glenn: I wrote a fan fiction
script that actually takes place
in between episodes two
and three of "Butch & Cassidy."
Um, I would be honored,
and I'm sure
everyone on my blog
would be honored,
if we could just
re-enact a quick scene.
-Amir: No.
We're not gonna...
-Liz: I will do it.
I love that you're
wearing the new hair piece.
-Thank you.
-Liz: That looks so good!
-Glenn: Not gonna lie, my cousin
did, uh, do some coloring
to it, too.
-Liz: Oh, my god!
You know, it really matches.
It blends.
Do you wanna read as me?
-Glenn: You want me to play you?
-Liz: Yeah.
If you feel like, take it away.
You feel...
You know, doesn't it feel right?
Just explore it.
-Glenn: You are the ranch hand
that I want, that I need.
-Jamie: You're always
talking to me in the barn.
You never pay attention
to me in the saloon.
-Liz: You're coming with me.
And then you're
coming with me.
-Amir: Bravo, guys.
That was really something!
That was horrible,
but it gives me an idea.
I'm so glad that Glenn
is here, actually,
because Glenn is
exactly the type of person
that you were saying you wanted
to not have access
to your home, a super fan.
Hey, Glenn, what would you do
if you saw that fence out there?
Would you try to climb it
to see these girls?
-Glenn: Oh, there's no way
I could climb that fence.
-Amir: Glenn,
there's bougainvillea flowers
over there,
full of pollen.
Would you ever try to
climb that?
-Glenn: God, no. My allergies
would get in the way.
I'd make it half-way up,
and I'd fall back down.
-Amir: Yeah. And there's a gate
in the front.
What if you didn't have the key
to that gate?
-Glenn: Get back in my car
and drive away.
-Amir: Ladies,
as you see here, this house
is perfect to keep out
scum bags like Glenn.
I made the sale!
We make a pretty good team.
Finally, Glenn's obsessive,
borderline stalker-ish
behavior pays off!
♪♪
-Roger: Mm.
I once bet an executive
that he couldn't tell
the difference between his wife
blowing him or me.
Guess who won?
He's no longer married,
by the way.
-Chelsea: Roger has been
here, like, a week.
And all I've seen him do
is try to bang
every woman who walks by.
So far, he's one for 23.
I guess the cleaning lady
is dealing with some stuff.
-Baxter: That's his third steak
this morning.
-Victoria: Are you serious?
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Andrew: And his second bottle
of Johnny Walker.
-Amir: Uh, I'm sorry, miss.
Hospice is on the second floor.
Can someone light
a scented candle, please?
Uh, excuse me. But is this
the real estate place?
-Amir: Yes. And we only sell
high-end real estate.
-Ethyl: Well, I --
I just wanted...
-Roger: Excuse me.
Yes, ma'am, what did you need?
-Ethyl: Is this
where you sell houses?
-Roger: This is
where we sell houses.
Ignore this punk,
He wouldn't know the difference
between a lady and a street
walker.
Now you come over here,
and you tell Roger...
-Ethyl: Roger.
-Roger: Yes.
-Ethyl: Roger, I'm Ethyl.
-Roger: Will you say,
"Roger me rightly?"
-[ Both laugh ]
-You get right over here.
And you tell Roger
what he can do for you.
-Ethyl: I have this house.
-Roger: Mm-hmm.
-Ethyl: And I noticed your sign.
-Roger: Look at this,
9,000 square feet.
-Ethyl: Yeah.
-Roger: Calabasas.
-Ethyl: Yeah.
-Roger: Oh, 25 acres.
Well, well, well,
can I tell you
what I think this property
should list for?
-Ethyl: I'd love to hear it.
-Roger: This property
will list for $22 million.
-Roger: Yes!
-Chelsea: All right.
-Amir: All right.
-Roger: That is
what it takes to be a partner!
-Chelsea: I know, yeah.
-Glenn: That's good.
-Chelsea: Good job, man.
-Glenn: That was impressive.
-Victoria: One house...
-Roger: Oh!
-Amir: Roger, you okay?
-Roger: Oh, success!
-Amir: You all right?
Oh! Oh! Aah!
-Baxter: Jesus Christ!
-Amir: Oh, my God!
-Andrew: Amir, are you okay?
What'd you do?
-Amir: He got my --
-Chelsea: Oh.
This is...
Oh, my God.
-Andrew: He's dead.
-Amir: You know,
I would love to represent you.
-Chelsea: Actually,
he's entrusted me
with all of his, uh...
-Glenn: In our short time
together,
I saw Roger eat 2.3 cows.
God speed, Roger.
[ Gurgling ]
No! No!
Oh, no, it's whiskey!
Come on.
Come on, Roger.
What are you doing?
Uh, come on, Glenn.
Do it for Roger!
Oh, my --
[Garbled]
Ah, it tastes like barf!
Ah, it tastes
like barf!
-[ Coughing ]
[ Gasping ]
Roger: Ah, shit.
I'm alive?
Oh...
Oh! Oh...
Cowards.
-Victoria: It's Monday morning.
And Dean's excited
for us to meet
his old friend, Roger Ramsey.
Dean says Roger can teach us
a lot about sales.
I mean, not me.
I know everything.
-Dean: This gentleman
knows everything
there is to know about sales.
And he's going
to teach it all to you.
He has sold ice to Eskimos.
Literally, he sold
an Inuit family
a four-bedroom condo.
There was a full tray
of ice in the freezer.
He added it to his commission.
Roger Ramsey!
-Roger: As you wish, Dean.
Roger Richard Ramsey,
nicknamed Dick.
But you don't call me Dick
unless you want one
in your mouth.
You two can call me Dick.
Let's find out
about you, sweater.
-Glenn: Hi.
My name's Glenn Bouchard.
I'm the office manager
here at Platinum Realty.
-Roger: So your job
is get me more paper clips.
-Glenn: Uh, I've got three
different kinds in my desk.
But we can go
to the supply room --
-[ Yawns ]
Wow!
-Victoria: Thank you.
Victoria King.
-Roger: Yeah.
I'm storing
something for tonight.
-Victoria: Okay.
-Roger: Unless you wanna
be there in person.
-Victoria: No, I'm good.
I'm good.
-Roger: What's your name, honey?
-Amir: My name's Amir Yaghoob.
Can you go
to the next person, please?
-Roger: No, I can't, Amir.
Balls, balls, balls, balls.
-Amir: Uh...
-Roger: It slides down.
It goes right
into the fucking orifice
that shouldn't be talking
unless I'm talking to it.
What's your name, sister?
-Chelsea: I'm Chelsea.
-Roger: I know a hotel
named Chelsea.
-Chelsea: Don't...
-Roger: I've been inside of her.
-Chelsea: I don't wanna
know about it.
-Roger: Mm.
Who are you, sweetie?
-Andrew: Andrew Wright.
I'm a -- uh -- a man.
-Ever been blacked out and have
a dick drawn on your face?
-Andrew: Yes.
-Roger: Yeah, I thought so.
Who else do we have
in the all-girl choir?
You don't look like you're
a real estate agent.
-Baxter: My name
is Baxter Reynolds.
I'm a...
-Roger: "I'm Baxter Reynolds."
I know Burt Reynolds.
-Baxter: How?
-Roger: 'Cause I fucking party.
I do cocaine.
I know all the stars.
I used to hang out
with Buddy Ebsen.
-Baxter: I don't know
who that is.
-Roger: He was
the original Tin Man!
-Chelsea: I thought
it was Nipsey Russell.
-Roger: Nipsey Russell
was not the original Tin Man,
maybe in "The Wiz."
-Chelsea: I think it was
"The Wiz."
-Roger: Don't fucking get racist
with me!
The original cast
of "The Wizard of Oz"
-Chelsea: Okay.
-Roger: Was all white!
-Do you like to make money?
-Andrew: Hell yeah.
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Victoria: Yeah.
-Roger: Do you like
to make money?
-Andrew: Hell yeah!
-Unison: Yes.
-Chelsea: Of course.
-Roger: Jesus Christ.
I've seen more enthusiasm
on death row.
-Amir: I question Roger's
methods as a fellow salesman.
I respect him, though,
as a fellow asshole.
-Roger: Buy this book,
"Rare Steaks
and Deals Well Done"
by Roger Ramsey.
-Chelsea: He's got
this overhead projector.
And he's, like, showing
us slides, or some...
I don't know.
What is this, a museum?
Am I looking at a fossil?
-Roger: What do you all see?
Office supplies,
what do you see?
-Glenn: Seems to be
three weird shapes
that are out of focus, sir.
-Roger: No imagination.
Angie.
-Andrew: Andrew.
-Roger: Is it -IE,
with a smiley face over the I?
-Andrew: If you were gonna spell
it that way, that...
-Roger: What do you see, Angie?
-Andrew: No.
I see an upside-down
mermaid face.
-Roger: Upside-down mermaid
face.
Okay.
How 'bout now?
-Andrew: It's a right-side up,
uh, mermaid face.
-Roger: Pantyhose,
what do you see?
-Baxter: Three jewels?
-Roger: We're getting there.
Three jewels where?
-Andrew: On the Nile.
-Baxter: On the Nile?
-Roger: Christ.
-Victoria: Why don't you tell us
what you want us to see?
-Roger: A fucking pile of cash!
-Victoria: Okay.
-Roger: That's
what I fucking see!
That's all
I see is money, money!
You divine it!
You fucking make it rain!
It's so you can make
it fucking rain!
-Amir: I'm showing
new clients houses in Malibu
and West Hollywood today.
They happen to be lesbians.
Watch the chameleon work.
As you follow me over here...
Voilà!
-Liz: Okay.
-Amir: The money shot,
or you know, whatever.
-Liz: Yeah, a decent view.
I see the ocean.
But I'm just
wondering in terms of,
like, scalability, what's
on the other side of that?
-Amir: Japan is on
the other side of that.
-Liz: I don't mean the...
-You have the whole Pacific
Ocean here.
-Liz: No.
I mean on the other side
of this...
-Jamie: Of the...
-Liz: Uh, Plexiglass wall.
Or maybe it's,
like, bulletproof.
Is it bulletproof?
-Amir: Uh, no.
It's not bulletproof.
-Amir: I think you guys
are being a --
a little too paranoid.
We're in Los Angeles.
And you can be gay
and not get attacked.
It's fine.
Are you guys from, like Alabama,
or...
-Liz: Wait.
Number one: Do not even
start to tell me anything
about what it's like to be gay
unless you're gay.
Are you gay?
-Amir: Fuck no.
-Jamie: Well that was
a weird tone.
-Liz: That's a terrible thing
to say.
-Amir: I...
-Liz: We are not concerned
about being attacked
for being gay.
We're concerned
because we're famous people.
Do you not know we're famous?
-Amir: Of course I know
that you're famous.
You think I don't do
my research?
I had no idea they were famous.
-Liz: And I don't even
mean famous.
I mean, like --
like, women, you know,
tattooing our faces
on their faces.
Like, a lesbian
calls out our name
during sex with her partner.
-Jamie: Yeah.
And they're both into it.
-Amir: Your work,
it goes beyond saying.
-Liz: Uh-huh.
-Amir: So I don't need to say.
-Liz: He doesn't know
the name of the show.
-Amir: I do know the name
of your show.
I do know the name of your show.
-Liz: We're on a show
called "Butch & Cassidy."
"Bitch --
Butch & Cassidy!"
Yeah.
All right.
Keep going.
-Liz: No.
I mean,
are you not getting that?
-Jamie: It's our thing.
-Okay, I get your concerns.
I understand what's going
on here.
And I want you to know
that I'm gonna find you a house
that speaks
to all of your concerns,
or I won't be glad.
[GLAAD]
Isn't that a gay thing?
'Cause I --
I read "Gay for Dummies" before.
-Liz: Yeah.
I mean, that's --
that's a thing.
-Amir: It's, like, a thing.
Baxter: We have
an open house today
in the very famous Beverly Hills
Post Office neighborhood.
-Andrew: 9021--
-Both: Oh, yeah!
-Baxter: Do we have enough?
I mean, we have the vodka
ice luge...
-Andrew: Bax, look at this
place.
I think this place
will sell itself.
-Baxter: Yeah, but I just...
-Andrew: Oh, no.
It's Serge and Gio.
-Serge: Are you going
to kiss me first?
-Baxter: Before what?
-Serge: Before you fuck me.
-Baxter: Serge and Gio
own Platinum's number one rival:
Infinity Realty.
-Andrew: They think that
every house within the zip-code
of Beverly Hills Post Office
belongs to them.
-Serge: How you doing?
-Andrew: I'm fine.
-Serge: Oh, I forget --
Don't run away.
Don't run away.
Don't run away.
Where are we? You've already
made yourself at home.
Why don't you tell us
where we are?
-Serge: You made yourself
at home.
Tell me. Just say where we are.
-Gio: Say where we are.
-Baxter: Beverly Hills.
-Serge: Ah.
-Baxter: Post Office.
Both: Beverly Hills
Post Office.
Beverly Hills Post Office, eh?
-Serge: You usually sell houses
in Beverly Hills Post Office?
-Gio: This is your turf?
-Andrew: I mean,
we can do business anywhere.
-Baxter: We...
-Andrew: No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Baxter: No, no, no, no.
-Andrew: Serge. Serge. Serge.
-Serge: No one's going
to point a gun at you.
No one's going
to point a gun at you.
-Andrew: Jesus Christ!
Put the gun away!
-Serge: No one's going
to point a gun at you!
-Andrew: No!
-Gio: Do it.
Do it.
Are you gonna do it?
-Baxter: Stop. Serge, stop.
-Serge: I love this man.
-Gio: Do it.
-This man pulled me out of...
-Gio: Do it.
-Serge: A pile of corpses in
Montenegro.
-Gio: Do it.
-And I will kill him
right now.
-Do it. You are here watching
"The Smurfs" on TV.
-You watch "The Smurfs."
And we were a pile
of corpses in Montenegro.
-Baxter: Do it.
-Serge: Huh?
-Andrew: Do it.
-Serge: No.
-Gio: Do it.
He's calling my bluff.
I'm calling your bluff.
You do it.
Do it.
-Andrew: I'm calling
everybody's bluff.
I'm calling your bluff.
Don't do it.
-Serge: Okay, guys.
Here, guys.
Here's how it goes.
-Gio: Just shoot him.
They don't get...
-Serge: Don't worry about him.
-Stop. Stop the gun.
-The gun is just
a talking point.
-Baxter: We need
stronger talking point
control laws
in this country.
-Serge: Everything you sell
in Beverly Hills Post Office,
1 percent.
-Gio: You get this much pie.
We get that much pie.
One percent.
-Andrew: And you guys
won't bother us again?
-Serge: No, we will bother you
all the fucking time.
-Gio: No, yeah.
Every time.
Every time.
-Serge: Every time
you cross the...
-Gio: Every time you cross to
here we're gonna be
in your fucking business.
I'm gonna break his finger.
-No, I don't --
Yes, yes, 1%.
-Serge: There we go.
Fine.
Hi, guys.
-Andrew: Jesus Christ!
Okay.
-Serge: Do you leave this here?
-Baxter: Why would that be ours?
-Gio: So you didn't
bring a sword?
-Serge: You didn't bring sword?
-Baxter: We'd never
bring a sword
to an open house!
-Serge: Welcome to Beverly Hills
Post Office.
How 'bout that?
How you like that?
-Gio: How you like that?
-Serge: We're gonna take our
sword.
We're gonna go.
-Baxter: So it is your sword.
-Andrew: Oh, it is your sword.
-Of course, it's my sword!
-Gio: I feel like you should've
put that together.
-No, we did.
-No, we did.
-We did.
-You just -- you...
-Oh, okay.
You guys ever been to
Infrared Sauna?
You wanna come?
-Baxter: We can't
get an appointment there.
I've been trying to get
an appointment there for a year.
-Serge: Come on.
Come on.
We know the guy.
-Gio: We know the guy.
Watch out for the bush.
Come on.
Oh, Jesus.
-Serge: Step out of the bushes.
That's what I just said, retard.
What's your problem?
Really, what's your problem?
-Baxter: Sorry.
♪♪
-Roger: Look alive, girls,
man on the floor!
-Victoria: Roger?
-Roger: Man on the floor.
-Glenn: What's going on, man?
-Roger: Roger
has decided to take
a little staycation.
-Glenn: Staycation.
-Roger: Yeah, you get it.
-Amir: What does that mean?
-Victoria: Yeah.
What do you mean?
-Roger: The Dean kind
of let it slip
that he's looking
for a new partner.
So I've decided to accept.
-Victoria: What?
-Glenn: What?
-Amir: He made you partner?
-Roger: What do I have
to do, outsell you guys?
That's easier done than said.
-Victoria: Where does this guy
get off?
-Amir: In the break room!
I walked in on him.
And he didn't even care!
-Roger: All right.
Stand up, paper clips.
-Glenn: Okay, that's...
-Amir: You honestly think
you can sell more than us?
-Roger: How could I not?
Ugh.
This is my desk now,
by the way, hon.
-That's a lot of my stuff.
-Roger: Yeah.
Your stuff belongs
down there, not up here.
You guys have so much to learn.
Mm.
Reminds me of my dad,
buried at sea...we think.
Get yourself one of these
if you wanna be successful.
It's called a Rolodex.
That's how sales are made.
This is where you make calls.
I don't want that!
-Amir: What's wrong with you?
-Roger: What's wrong with me?
What's right with me?
Everything.
-Amir: And you're getting
hammered at work.
-Roger: Getting hammered?
Shit, I'm already there.
Join me.
-Amir: Yeah.
-Glenn: I just set up over
there. So if you need me...
-Roger: Right on the floor,
where I need you.
Amir, what are you working on?
-Amir: I'm working on closing
a $20 million home
in West Hollywood.
-Roger: West Hollywood?
That should be easy.
Just get a sailor, Nancy-boy,
tightrope walker, slinky.
-Amir: Wow.
-Victoria: Those aren't actually
slurs.
-Roger: They are now.
You, get me a T-bone steak
and a pot of coffee.
And keep it coming.
-Victoria: Excuse me?
I'm not your secretary.
-Roger: Ah.
-Victoria: In fact, I'm
your biggest competition here.
-Roger: You are not
my competition
because I don't
have any, Vickie.
You are under me,
or you soon will be.
Ugh.
Don't waste good scotch, Glenn!
-Glenn: Sorry.
I didn't see the label.
-Victoria: You know, Roger,
I liked you in the beginning.
-Roger: Liked?
-Victoria: Yeah.
-Roger: That's past tense.
-Glenn: Now that I know what it
is, I think I'll be all right.
-Roger: What is it, Vickie?
-Victoria: I just
wanna make something clear.
-Roger: Yep.
-Victoria: I don't know
when the last... Jesus Christ.
-Roger: You're gonna keep
doing it until you get it right,
Glenn.
If you don't swallow it,
I will punch you in the dick.
Go.
-Victoria: You're gonna --
you're gonna get hit in
the dick.
-Roger: Throw it up.
-Victoria: Ugh.
-Roger: Get me a fucking steak,
honey!
-Amir: Are you okay?
-Glenn: It's fine.
It helped me swallow
a lot of it.
-Roger: All right.
Let's make some calls.
Glenn, hook up this phone.
Hello.
Can I speak
to Barbara Gregory, please?
I'm gonna need more Scotch
and some petty cash.
-Amir: I'm taking Liz and Jamie
to a great house
in West Hollywood.
None of the previous houses have
met their security standards.
Not enough security?
It's like,
"Don't flatter yourself, ladies.
Nobody wants to kill you."
And if you'll follow me,
you're gonna see this beautiful
open kitchen...
-Liz: Oh, yeah.
-Amir: Perfect
for lesbian breakfast...
-Liz: I like that dining...
-Amir: Lesbian lunch.
-Liz: That window is --
is nerve-racking, though.
-Jamie: Oh, yeah.
That's way too much window.
-Liz: I mean, 'cause somebody
could just get, you know...
If you just do the dive over.
-Jamie: Yeah.
They could just
dive right in there.
There's a wall
there, though.
There's a wall there,
right by the window.
-Jamie: They could climb
up the wall.
-Glenn: I've got the specs for
the house in the... Oh, my god!
-Amir: Oh, you ladies
are gonna love the...
-Glenn: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
It's Butch & Cassidy.
-Jamie: Yeah, it's us.
-Glenn: I've seen every episode
of "Butch & Cassidy," like,
25 times.
It, uh, it is probably, by far,
the greatest show ever
created about two lesbian women
that move west at the turn
of the 20th Century
and create
an all-female frontier town.
Oh, my God!
-Liz: So, um, I mean,
I'm a little surprised
you love our show so much.
-Jamie: Yeah.
-Amir: Me, too.
-Glenn: Are you...
-Liz: Not the typical fan.
What other shows
do you like to watch?
-Glenn: Uh, well,
top of the list
is definitely historical fiction
lesbian dramas.
Um, but I'm also
very much into,
uh, you know, soccer dramedies.
-Liz: Right.
-Glenn: Uh, and then I love
super cuts of,
like, "Red Shoe Diaries"
with the sex taken out.
-Amir: That's great.
Isn't that great?
I think it's great.
Get the fuck out of here now.
Get the fuck out of here.
-Glenn: Is that code?
-Amir: No, that's not --
Get the fuck out of here.
-Liz: Don't hurt him.
-Amir: Mm.
He is, uh...
-Liz: Straight up, that
should've been your reaction
when you met us, right?
-Jamie: Yeah.
-Glenn: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
I talked to them.
And they talked to me!
-Victoria: Probably an hour.
I'm at an open house right now.
-Gio: Oh, my God.
Look at this beautiful creature.
-Serge: Oh, my god!
-Victoria: All right.
Just call it in.
Thank you.
-Serge: Oh, my God.
Am I dreaming this?
-Victoria: Serge, Gio.
-Gio: Speak to my face.
-Serge: Did you think about
what we said to you, huh?
-Victoria: I did.
And unfortunately,
my answer's the same that it was
in all 37 of those e-mails.
-[ Both groan ]
-Serge and Gio have been
trying to poach me
from Dean for months.
It's annoying,
but I can't blame them.
I'm irresistible.
-Serge: What,
uh, what would it take...
-Gio: What will it take
for you to be a partner with us?
What would it take --
Your power.
-Victoria: I love working
for Dean, okay?
-Gio: Whoa.
It's like a battered woman.
A battered woman say,
"Oh, I'm so sorry!"
-Victoria: We get each other.
-Gio: "I'm so sorry,
Chris Brown! I'm so sorry!"
-Don't be a battered woman.
-Victoria: Hey!
-Both: Don't be
a battered woman.
-Victoria: I will take your nut
sac, and I will turn it...
-Serge: Do it. You can do
anything you want to my nut sac.
Come on, Victoria.
-Victoria: And then I will
serve it
to your fucking friends.
-That's why we love you!
-Touch me again...
-Gio: I will watch
the whole thing.
-That's why we love you! You're
us! You'll eat someone's balls.
-To prove a point
about real estate.
-Serge: We -- we dig that.
-Gio: We love that.
-Serge: In Montenegro, we had to
because we were starving.
Now...
-Victoria: A man's balls?
-Gio: What other kind
of balls are there?
-Like, an animal's.
It could be, like, a bull's.
-Oh, that's true.
Bulls' balls are good, though.
-Serge: That's, like,
dessert compared
to what we eat in Montenegro.
-Victoria: Well, that's
what I'm asking.
Did you... Was it...
-I'm saying you're like us.
And you know
what I mean by that.
You're a cunt.
-Gio: Horrible.
-Serge: You're, like, the worst.
I'm saying that...
-Gio: We say that as...
-Serge: That with love
because we love you.
-We're not like,
"Oh, you're a cunt."
-Are you saying you're a cunt?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Come be a cunt with us.
-It doesn't change the word
if you turn it up.
-Come be a cunt with us.
-That doesn't... No.
-We mean good.
-Okay. I've got...
-We don't mean...
-Gio: We mean good cunt.
-Victoria: I don't like cunt.
Uh, can we come up
with something else?
-Gio: Bitch.
-Serge: Be a bitch.
-No, because then
you could be a little bitch.
-Serge: Oh, my god.
Stop it.
Come to us. Come to us.
-Victoria: What is this?
-Gio: Come to the dark side.
-Victoria: What is this?
-It's hard to see because it's
charcoal on black.
-Gio: That was a mistake.
-This is your business card?
-Serge: Yeah, it's our...
-Gio: We wrote black on card
stock and black
on ink, which was a mistake.
-Why would you do that?
-Gio: It was a mistake.
-Serge: Here's the thing.
We did some market research,
and what we need is you.
Okay? Beautiful, Asian lady...
-Victoria: What?
-Serge: That people can see.
People in my office.
-Gio: So they say, "Oh!
Oh, she's beautiful! Like..."
-Victoria: Guys, I'm not --
I'm not Asian.
I'm not Asian.
-Gio: Don't be modest.
-Serge: Don't be modest.
-Victoria: No, I'm -- no,
I'm telling you I'm not Asian.
-Serge: Not at all?
-Victoria: No!
-Gio: No.
You not a little happy?
-I don't look Asian!
-Oh, yeah.
You do.
-You have happy eyes.
You're real skinny,
with the happy eyes.
-Victoria: Oh, of course
I'm skinny.
But I have huge,
beautiful doll eyes.
-Serge: Can I have that back?
-No, no. You can't.
-Serge: It was good seeing you.
-Gio: Good seeing you.
If you're ever at
the El Toredo, mention us.
You get 20 percent
off appetizer.
-So, now you don't want me
because I'm not Asian?
-Serge: Yeah. Yeah, that's
right. That's exactly right.
-Victoria: That was
the whole point of this?
You only ever wanted me
because you thought I was Asian?
-Serge: And a bitch, yeah.
-Amir: I'm so close
to selling this house
to a celebrity lesbian couple.
It's lesbians.
And now, my favorite part
of the house: master bedroom,
where all the lesbian magic
goes down.
-Liz: Yeah.
I mean, I think we'd flip
this bed out for, like,
a bigger bed 'cause we...
-Jamie: Absolutely.
-Liz: Keep a family bed
with our dogs.
-You can do whatever you want.
You can do
whatever you want.
-Liz: I hate
that you're saying that.
-Jamie: You gotta
stop saying that.
-Amir: No, man.
But I'm just saying gay people
can do what they want.
-Liz: But the way
you're saying it...
Do you know the tone of
your voice that you're speaking?
-Amir: A lot of people
say I sound like Vin Diesel,
like, when he's chilling out.
-Liz: Um...
-Amir: We also have an adjoining
bathroom for lesbian...
-Jamie: Right over...
-Amir: Pee or poop.
-Jamie: What -- what...
-Glenn: Hey. Sorry.
Um, I didn't mean to... Sorry.
I didn't mean to impose.
-Liz: No, that's okay.
That's okay.
-Glenn: I wrote a fan fiction
script that actually takes place
in between episodes two
and three of "Butch & Cassidy."
Um, I would be honored,
and I'm sure
everyone on my blog
would be honored,
if we could just
re-enact a quick scene.
-Amir: No.
We're not gonna...
-Liz: I will do it.
I love that you're
wearing the new hair piece.
-Thank you.
-Liz: That looks so good!
-Glenn: Not gonna lie, my cousin
did, uh, do some coloring
to it, too.
-Liz: Oh, my god!
You know, it really matches.
It blends.
Do you wanna read as me?
-Glenn: You want me to play you?
-Liz: Yeah.
If you feel like, take it away.
You feel...
You know, doesn't it feel right?
Just explore it.
-Glenn: You are the ranch hand
that I want, that I need.
-Jamie: You're always
talking to me in the barn.
You never pay attention
to me in the saloon.
-Liz: You're coming with me.
And then you're
coming with me.
-Amir: Bravo, guys.
That was really something!
That was horrible,
but it gives me an idea.
I'm so glad that Glenn
is here, actually,
because Glenn is
exactly the type of person
that you were saying you wanted
to not have access
to your home, a super fan.
Hey, Glenn, what would you do
if you saw that fence out there?
Would you try to climb it
to see these girls?
-Glenn: Oh, there's no way
I could climb that fence.
-Amir: Glenn,
there's bougainvillea flowers
over there,
full of pollen.
Would you ever try to
climb that?
-Glenn: God, no. My allergies
would get in the way.
I'd make it half-way up,
and I'd fall back down.
-Amir: Yeah. And there's a gate
in the front.
What if you didn't have the key
to that gate?
-Glenn: Get back in my car
and drive away.
-Amir: Ladies,
as you see here, this house
is perfect to keep out
scum bags like Glenn.
I made the sale!
We make a pretty good team.
Finally, Glenn's obsessive,
borderline stalker-ish
behavior pays off!
♪♪
-Roger: Mm.
I once bet an executive
that he couldn't tell
the difference between his wife
blowing him or me.
Guess who won?
He's no longer married,
by the way.
-Chelsea: Roger has been
here, like, a week.
And all I've seen him do
is try to bang
every woman who walks by.
So far, he's one for 23.
I guess the cleaning lady
is dealing with some stuff.
-Baxter: That's his third steak
this morning.
-Victoria: Are you serious?
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Andrew: And his second bottle
of Johnny Walker.
-Amir: Uh, I'm sorry, miss.
Hospice is on the second floor.
Can someone light
a scented candle, please?
Uh, excuse me. But is this
the real estate place?
-Amir: Yes. And we only sell
high-end real estate.
-Ethyl: Well, I --
I just wanted...
-Roger: Excuse me.
Yes, ma'am, what did you need?
-Ethyl: Is this
where you sell houses?
-Roger: This is
where we sell houses.
Ignore this punk,
He wouldn't know the difference
between a lady and a street
walker.
Now you come over here,
and you tell Roger...
-Ethyl: Roger.
-Roger: Yes.
-Ethyl: Roger, I'm Ethyl.
-Roger: Will you say,
"Roger me rightly?"
-[ Both laugh ]
-You get right over here.
And you tell Roger
what he can do for you.
-Ethyl: I have this house.
-Roger: Mm-hmm.
-Ethyl: And I noticed your sign.
-Roger: Look at this,
9,000 square feet.
-Ethyl: Yeah.
-Roger: Calabasas.
-Ethyl: Yeah.
-Roger: Oh, 25 acres.
Well, well, well,
can I tell you
what I think this property
should list for?
-Ethyl: I'd love to hear it.
-Roger: This property
will list for $22 million.
-Roger: Yes!
-Chelsea: All right.
-Amir: All right.
-Roger: That is
what it takes to be a partner!
-Chelsea: I know, yeah.
-Glenn: That's good.
-Chelsea: Good job, man.
-Glenn: That was impressive.
-Victoria: One house...
-Roger: Oh!
-Amir: Roger, you okay?
-Roger: Oh, success!
-Amir: You all right?
Oh! Oh! Aah!
-Baxter: Jesus Christ!
-Amir: Oh, my God!
-Andrew: Amir, are you okay?
What'd you do?
-Amir: He got my --
-Chelsea: Oh.
This is...
Oh, my God.
-Andrew: He's dead.
-Amir: You know,
I would love to represent you.
-Chelsea: Actually,
he's entrusted me
with all of his, uh...
-Glenn: In our short time
together,
I saw Roger eat 2.3 cows.
God speed, Roger.
[ Gurgling ]
No! No!
Oh, no, it's whiskey!
Come on.
Come on, Roger.
What are you doing?
Uh, come on, Glenn.
Do it for Roger!
Oh, my --
[Garbled]
Ah, it tastes like barf!
Ah, it tastes
like barf!
-[ Coughing ]
[ Gasping ]
Roger: Ah, shit.
I'm alive?
Oh...
Oh! Oh...
Cowards.