Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Brtox - full transcript

ALL:
Botox, Botox, Botox!

GLENN: Like all high-end
real estate companies,

Platinum
has a monthly Botox budget.

This month, I was able
to save us some money.

AMIR: Whoo!

Oh, yeah!

GLENN: Hey, everybody,
please welcome Dr. Chambong.

[ Applause ]
BAXTER: Yeah, all right!

DOCTOR: Uh, actually,
it's Mr. Doctor Chambong.

My first name is Doctor.

GLENN: I was sitting in the
bathroom just doing my business,



and I heard a voice
in the stall next to me.

DOCTOR: Let me talk
to you about science.

We know it exists,

but we can't really
see it, can we?

But we know it's there.

You know, some say they can
send a man to the moon.

And it has been responsible for
all of our modern-day miracles.

The incandescent light bulb,
freeways, and juice.

[ Applause ]

With me is a modern day elixir

of de-aging mystification.

I'm not gonna waste
one more second...

before injecting
this sweet love juice

into your skin flaps.



VICTORIA: On a desert island,
three things I need

are rice crackers,
George Clooney, and Botox.

But if I really had
to think about it,

it's just really Botox.

BAXTER: You don't get to look
like Santa's hottest elf

by accident.

ALL: Put the face
back in our face.

Put the face back in our --
-DOCTOR: Hang on one second.

I do want to say this!

I do want to say
that all of us

are in the upper echelon
of income,

and we're very privileged
to have this service done.

There are kids down the street

eating their own
stomach linings.

That's the only way
they can find nourishment.

So let's -- let's take hold
of that and get to it!

[ Cheering ]
-Let's get to it!

Okay, who wants to be
the first one?

BAXTER: Any need
for alcohol swabs or...

-DOCTOR: No.
-BAXTER: Okay.

DOCTOR:
But some alcohol, maybe.

You want a bourbon?

BAXTER: Yeah, so I think, like,
like just mostly -- okay, yeah.

DOCTOR: Doesn't hurt a bit.
Right there.

Oh, you were a bit off kilter,
and now you're not!

Well done! Yes!

BAXTER: I can actually
feel myself getting handsomer.

DOCTOR: Here we go.

VICTORIA:
Don't worry about pain.

I've taken like four Vicodin.

DOCTOR:
Where we start, nobody knows.

Right there. Yes.
Surprise is very good.

It's receptive to the Botox.

Right there.
AMIR: Wow.

-DOCTOR: There. And there.
-VICTORIA: Oh! Oh!

BAXTER:
Is she having an orgasm?

DOCTOR: And we're done!
We're done!

VICTORIA: Oh, my God!
BAXTER: Wow.

DOCTOR: Did you finish?
BAXTER: Did you just come?

VICTORIA: I find
there's no greater aphrodisiac

AMIR: Everyone's worried
about their face,

but that's amateur hour.

I am gonna stop sweating.

AMIR: Ow!
No, that definitely -- ow!

DOCTOR: Right.
Right into your mammaries.

AMIR: You went
through my nipple hole.

DOCTOR: Thanks
for the mammaries.

[ Laughter ]

AMIR: Ow, ow!
You go right through the hole.

VICTORIA: Mr. Pun!

DOCTOR: You're done.

BAXTER: Thanks
for the mammaries.

ALL: Thanks for the mammaries!
Thanks for the mammaries!

AMIR: Do you know what they say?

No nip pain, no nip gain.

DOCTOR: Well, I must go off.
My Uber is waiting. Okay.

VICTORIA: Oh, okay.
DOCTOR: Bye, everyone.

VICTORIA: Goodbye, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Oh, by the way,
this is not Botox.

I'm legally required
to say it's "Brtox."

It's a fungi.

Speaking of which,
have fun, guys. [ Laughs ]

-GLENN: Oh!
-BAXTER: Yeah.

-VICTORIA: Yeah.
-BAXTER: Okay.

AMIR: Glenn,
you are the man, bro.

You saved the day.
You did it.

I have faith in you, dude.

VICTORIA:
You did something right.

AMIR: Whoa, Jesus!
Dude, your face.

BAXTER: What?

VICTORIA:
You're all bruised up.

BAXTER: Really?

CHELSEA: I'm meeting
with my home inspector, Hector.

We have an understanding.

I put up
with his crush on me,

and he gives me a great report.

HECTOR:
This place is amazing.

-CHELSEA: No -- No problems?
-HECTOR: No problems whatsoever.

There is a beautiful drainage
system.

All the corners have been,
like, spackled and redone.

They've got foam insulation.

CHELSEA: So it's fine
is what you're saying.

HECTOR: It's beyond fine.
Hey, you're beyond fine.

CHELSEA: Thank you.
That was easy.

CHELSEA: We're in out of
this pretty quickly then, huh?

HECTOR: Well,
I'd like to take some time.

CHELSEA: Why do you always
turn it just a little weird?

HECTOR: Well, that's me.

CHELSEA: And then
he ushers the lady

into a dark, cavernous place.
-HECTOR: Believe me,

if I was gonna murder you,
it would not be here.

You can see, like,

this whole thing
is completely earthquake safe.

It's been retrofitted.
-CHELSEA: Yeah.

HECTOR: You've got
secondary binders on all those.

CHELSEA: Hector's
top 10 basements, huh?

HECTOR: Oh,
speaking of Hector's top 10,

my gosh, you're my top 20.

CHELSEA: All right,
what did we say?

Okay, I've seen enough.
And so has Hector.

Is this where we came in?

HECTOR: How do you not know
where we came from?

CHELSEA: Oh, no, I...

Why can't I get locked
in a basement with a hot guy?

[ Hisses ]

What the --

HECTOR: God!

Oh, my God, I almost
just jumped my pants out.

You know what, it probably --
probably a drought rat.

CHELSEA: A what?

HECTOR: Those are normal rats
that have feasted on other rats,

because this place is airtight.

[ Hissing ]
CHELSEA: Agh!

HECTOR:
Listen, stay next to me.

CHELSEA: No,
I'm more scared behind you.

You stay behind me.
-HECTOR: All right.

[ Hisses ]

Hang on, it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.

CHELSEA: I just don't want to
confront anything that's alive.

ANDREW: I skipped out
on Botox this month

because it's the only time
Dean can meet with me.

Mm, mm, mm, mm!

DEAN: Now, why did you want
to see me, Baxter?

Andrew!

ANDREW: Yeah,
you didn't know my name.

DEAN: To be fair,
I knew your name,

I didn't know
that it went with you.

ANDREW: Yeah,
you actually corrected.

-DEAN: I self-corrected.
-ANDREW: Yeah.

He's just a good friend,
so I take no offense

to you calling me Baxter,

if that comes to mind,
'cause I get it.

DEAN: And why did you want
to see me?

ANDREW: I was gonna talk
about the partnership, but...

it's clear
I need something more.

What I really want to ask you

is maybe you could be
a father-like figure to me.

Like, if I could come to you
for work-related stuff,

but also just have somebody
I could come to

in times when I just need
somebody to be...

like a dad.

DEAN: Andrew...

this father-figure business,
what's in it for me?

ANDREW: Your volunteering
your time maybe at a --

DEAN: I don't know what that is.
I don't know what that is.

ANDREW: You don't know
what volunteering is?

DEAN: I know the word.
I don't know the experience.

ANDREW: Can I give you
an example of a problem I have?

DEAN: Please, I wish you would,
I wish you would.

ANDREW: This will be
a small problem.

I think I'm addicted
to Tylenol PM.

ANDREW: I can't sleep
without it,

and I've increased my dosage

where I take seven
to get sleepy.

DEAN: How many are you supposed
to take on the package?

ANDREW: I mean,
I started with one.

I think they say
for an adult, two.

DEAN: And you want advice
about this?

Stop doing that.

ANDREW: Is it just me, or are
Dean and I kind of like...

[ Beeping ]

DEAN: Now let me give you
my review of the experience.

It was boring.

It was boring to tell you that.

ANDREW:
Will you please be my daddy

and just put aside some of your
own things for a little bit?

DEAN: This is verging
on inappropriate.

ANDREW: Will you please...
be Poppy to me?

DEAN: Andrew...

I'm going to pretend
to take a phone call.

that will give you
an opportunity

to exit my office.

ANDREW: It's to --

DEAN:
And we'll both pretend...

that you didn't ask me
to please be your daddy.

ANDREW: Will you call mommy?

DEAN: Uh-oh.
Phone's ringing.

ANDREW: No.
Who is it?

DEAN: Hello, Dean Rosedragon.

Oh, very important, you say?

Well, I have time.
That will be all.

ANDREW: Who is it?

DEAN: I should have asked you
to agree to our terms.

I see now my mistake.

SUSAN: Hello.

Oh. Victoria.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!

VICTORIA: Susan!
Welcome to Platinum.

SUSAN: [ Screaming ]

AMIR: Victoria and Baxter's
faces are messed up.

But mine's great.

I'm just sweating from...

every inch of my body.

No.
-VICTORIA: It's okay.

SUSAN: No, please,
don't hurt me.

VICTORIA:
We're real-estate brokers.

AMIR:
We're real estate brokers.

-SUSAN: Please.
-AMIR: It's okay.

SUSAN: I want to spend 300
on two-bath with a view.

VICTORIA: We can help you.

BAXTER:
Oh, we had fake bad Botox.

-VICTORIA: Yes.
-SUSAN: Oh, please!

I want to live!
I want to live.

BAXTER: A view
of what, downtown?

SUSAN: [ Screaming ]
Don't touch me!

BAXTER: You want
downtown view?

VICTORIA: That is the third
potential client

to run away
from the office today.

And I'm beginning to think
there's something wrong.

ANDREW: I'm meeting
with a new client --

movie star Tobin Carr.

I'm a huge fan.

And I'm hoping
that closing this deal

will win me Daddy Dean's love.

Loved you in "The Candle Guy."

TOBIN:
Yeah. So good, yeah.

ANDREW:
That's too many candles.

TOBIN: Yeah,
it was one too many.

-ANDREW: Yeah.
-TOBIN: That's great, great.

ANDREW: I dabble in a little
acting myself.

-TOBIN: Oh, you do?
-ANDREW: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

These are not
prescription, they're just --

TOBIN: Oh, I totally thought
that they were prescription.

You're doing
a really good job squinting.

ANDREW: Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

I'm just a little star-struck.
-TOBIN: Oh, no problem, yeah.

Happens all the time.
So nice to meet you.

Thank you so much
for showing me this house.

You know, this is kind
of ticking all my boxes.

ANDREW: Well, good.

TOBIN:
I want to see the indoors.

Can I talk to you
for one second before we go in?

I just got cast
in a new film --

very last minute.
Starts shooting on Monday.

ANDREW: Wow.

TOBIN: It's a very,
very important film for me.

I need to start getting
into character.

I need to spend this weekend

sort of doing research
on the character.

ANDREW: That's awesome.

TOBIN: So I'm kind of hoping
that you could just refer to me

by my character's name
when we're in there.

ANDREW:
Okay, yeah, this is fun.

TOBIN: Billy.
Guy named Billy.

ANDREW: Yeah, hey.
These are not real.

I can do this.
Okay, Billy.

TOBIN: Billy!
So just refer to me as Billy.

ANDREW: That's easy.
So let's take a look, Billy.

-TOBIN: Here we go.
-ANDREW: Get in there.

ANDREW:
What...do you think of this?

The marble floors...

go right
into all hardwood floors.

That's throughout the entire
property.

We have a nice
little private bar over here.

Nice room. You have
the guys...the guys over.

You okay, Billy?

TOBIN: Why did you
bwing me here, mister?

ANDREW: So it turns out
Billy's a kid.

BAXTER: Guys, I know we don't
really want to admit this,

but I don't think
that Chambong was a real doctor.

AMIR: I think you're right.

I'm pretty sure
when I asked him

where he went to medical school,
he said, "Yes."

VICTORIA: Amir
and Baxter look crazy.

AMIR:
We all look like monsters.

VICTORIA:
How do you think I feel?

Yeah, I look beautiful,
but I can't move my face.

BAXTER:
You don't need your face.

AMIR: Getting injected
with poison really

put us at each others throats.

VICTORIA: I mean,
I look great with Brtox.

Flawless, wrinkle-free.

I can't blink,

but the doctor just said
to manually do it --

which is fine.

Jesus.

Every one
of these glasses is broken!

BAXTER: Your lips aren't
working, that's the problem.

VICTORIA: It's my lips?
AMIR: Yeah.

BAXTER:
Yeah, your lips look crazy!

AMIR: Chambong fucked us.

There's no way that Chambong --
Cham-bomb? Chambong.

BAXTER:
It has been a Cham-bomb.

BAXTER:
And it's gone off all over us.

Chambong convinced me
to give him my car keys,

and I went down
to where my car is,

and guess what's waiting there?
-VICTORIA: What?

-BAXTER: A guy selling nuts.
-AMIR: Hold on.

You're telling me
he took your car, drove it away,

then rented your parking spot
to a nut dealer?

BAXTER: I think so.
But when I went down there,

I said, "Hey, where's my car?"
He said, "Do you need a ride?"

VICTORIA: I can't even
drink water!

Okay, my lips don't even work.

BAXTER: That doesn't equate
to what's happening to us.

VICTORIA: It absolutely does!

I'll die of dehydration.

AMIR: You can drink water,

you just can't get it
through your dumb lips.

-VICTORIA: No, no! No.
-AMIR: Drink it!

Ah, look, you're drinking water!

VICTORIA: Oh, my -- You have
been waiting for a moment

to get my white shirt wet.

How dare he!

ANDREW: I'm showing
movie star Tobin Carr

a new house -- I mean Billy.
Billy.

TOBIN: Why did you bwing me
to your stwange house?

ANDREW: Oh.

So, Billy's a kid.
But I --

I think I can still
close this deal.

Okay, no...
I wanted to show you the house

that maybe, Billy, this could be
a nice house for you to own.

TOBIN: You want me to be
in your house with you,

Mr. Stranger?

ANDREW: I'm not a...

Well, yeah, that's true.

Come in and look at my house.
Jesus Christ.

TOBIN:
Okay, Mister, I was told

I wasn't supposed
to do things like this,

but I'll come
into your house 'cause --

[ Whimpers ]

ANDREW: I'm not gonna
do anything to you.

Stwanger danger!

ANDREW: I know in Hollywood
a talented actor

can play any role,
but I'm not sure I buy Billy.

TOBIN: I assume you want
to have sex with me,

a wittle boy.

Okay, Mister,
you can have sex with me.

ANDREW: No.

TOBIN:
Where do you want to do it?

You want to do it here, Mister?
[ Sobbing ]

ANDREW: You don't
have to cry, Billy.

We're not gonna
do it until later.

TOBIN: Weally?

ANDREW: Yeah, we're gonna --
we'll figure it out

after I show you around my --
the tree house.

It's a special tree house.

-TOBIN: Okay.
-ANDREW: Hey, Tobin?

TOBIN: Who's Tobin?

ANDREW: Oh, no. All right.

So I'll just show you around,
and you can make a decision

whether Billy, you'd like
to own this house.

TOBIN: Okay.
How much moneys is it?

ANDREW: Well, the starting price
is $11.5 million.

TOBIN: Millions dollars?!
I don't have that kind of money.

I saved $5 in my allowance.

-ANDREW: Altogether or just --
-TOBIN: Altogether.

-ANDREW: Or per week?
-TOBIN: No, no!

It took me 500 weeks.

-ANDREW: That's like --
-TOBIN: 10 years.

-ANDREW: Okay.
-TOBIN: Just under.

ANDREW: I mean,
I knew at the beginning

of even trying to figure it out,
it wasn't gonna be enough.

But I still tried
to figure it out.

TOBIN: Some people think
because I'm 11 years old,

I shouldn't be
talking like this.

-ANDREW: You're 11?
-TOBIN: Yeah.

ANDREW: 11 years old,
that's almost the age

to, like, grow pubic hair.

TOBIN: Do you want
to see my pubic hair, Mister?

ANDREW: No,
that wasn't a question, no.

-TOBIN: All right, Mister.
-ANDREW: That wasn't a question.

-TOBIN: I knew this was coming.
-ANDREW: No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
-TOBIN: No?

ANDREW: Zip that way back up.

TOBIN: They're short,
but they're cute.

-ANDREW: What is?
-TOBIN: My pubies.

ANDREW: Oh. Okay, no,
I don't want to see that at all.

I hate this movie.

No. No.

I think you'd really
like this property,

and I'm talking to Billy,
but I'm also,

I want to make sure
anybody else who is listening,

I think this would be --
-TOBIN: Help!

-ANDREW: No, no, no, no!
-TOBIN: Help me!

Andrew Wright
is twying to wape me!

ANDREW: No!
I'm not trying to rape anybody!

I'm not trying to rape anyone!

CHELSEA: Suddenly Hector isn't
the biggest predator

We're being hunted
by a wild animal.

-HECTOR: You're strong!
-CHELSEA: I don't feel it!

HECTOR: You can do this!

CHELSEA: I feel hard
and soft at the same time!

-HECTOR: Hey, hey, hey!
-CHELSEA: I'm like cheese.

HECTOR: Do you feel our bodies
pressing against each other?

CHELSEA: Unfortunately.

HECTOR: This is what was
supposed to happen. It's okay.

CHELSEA: I don't want
to die in your arms.

HECTOR: What?

CHELSEA: Oh, God.

HECTOR: What is that
supposed to mean?

CHELSEA: I just want someone
better.

[ Hisses ]
Oh!

Hector, I have so much more
I want to do.

You're done with your life,
you don't understand.

-HECTOR: What?!
-CHELSEA: You are!

HECTOR:
I'm 45, I'm not dead!

CHELSEA: Pretty close.
[ Animal chittering ]

Oh!

-HECTOR: [ Screaming ]
-CHELSEA: Why would you leave?!

Why would you leave?!
Why would you leave a woman?

Oh, God.
I'm all alone.

I didn't think
I would die wearing Rayon.

Please, tell my followers
I love them.

Please, tell --
-HECTOR: Chelsea --

CHELSEA: [ Screams ] Whoa!
Oh, Hector.

HECTOR:
I thought I lost you.

CHELSEA: Oh, Hector,
I thought you were dead.

HECTOR: No.
I'm right here.

-CHELSEA: Oh!
-MAN: Oh, my gosh!

-CHELSEA: Who are you?
-MAN: I'm the cable guy.

I came down here
a long time ago,

and I've been stuck down here.

Did you come to rescue me?
Yes, yes! Finally!

CHELSEA: How long have you been
down here?

MAN: Oh, how long?
I don't know.

Uh...is "Desperate Housewives"

still really,
really liked on the outside?

CHELSEA: Ooh.
Na -- no, baby, no.

MAN: Oh, it's been a long time
'cause it was, like, up there.

CHELSEA: So you've been down
here this long?

How have you survived?
What have you eaten?

MAN: I sing for mice at night,
and they come, and I eat them.

-HECTOR: Wait, what?
-CHELSEA: You sing?

-MAN: I sing for mice.
-HECTOR: Like a specific song?

MAN: No, I've been mixing it up.
A little early Petty.

CHELSEA: This is officially
my worst nightmare --

trapped in a basement
with two middle-aged white dudes

who aren't Billy Zane
and Anthony Kiedis.

HECTOR: Most people
don't have cable anymore.

-MAN: Yeah, really?
-CHELSEA: Oh, yeah.

[ Hissing ]
MAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Shh, did you hear that?

That's her.
-HECTOR: Who's her?

MAN: That's the possum
that's been hunting me

and I've been hunting her.
-HECTOR: What?!

MAN: I call her treachery.
I hear you!

-HECTOR: Whoa.
-MAN: I hear you!

This is the last time
around, opossum!

No, no! I will drop,
but save yourselves.

CHELSEA: Okay.
He said run.

MAN: I'm coming for you!
[ Screaming ]

CHELSEA: I used Hector as
a battering ram and we got out.

HECTOR: Whoa! Whoa, ho ho!
That was nuts!

CHELSEA:
Yeah. It was insane.

-HECTOR: Holy cow.
-CHELSEA: Oh! Are you all right?

HECTOR: Oh, you know. I think
I probably sprained it.

Want to give it a rub, though?
-CHELSEA: No, I do not.

Should we go back
and get that guy?

HECTOR: Let's go.

CHELSEA: Who am I to upset
the delicate ecosystem

of a basement?

VICTORIA: I told Glenn

if he didn't get Doctor Chambong
back in this office,

I was gonna flatten
his nut sac like a pancake.

GLENN: Get in here.

-BAXTER: Good!
-DOCTOR: Hi.

-BAXTER: Where was he?
-GLENN: He was under the pier.

He was throwing dice
with a bunch of stray dogs.

DOCTOR: Listen, guys,
you don't look bad at all.

AMIR: The other guys'
faces are all messed up,

but I'm just sweating,
which is just fine

because I --
Well, this is new.

-BAXTER: Yeah!
-DOCTOR: Okay, okay!

BAXTER:
What did you do to us?

VICTORIA:
Mr. Doctor, look at my face!

I'm very upset right now.

BAXTER: Her face is slightly
different than it was before.

VICTORIA: It is
slightly different.

DOCTOR: Askew.
It's just a little askew.

BAXTER:
Mine...is fucked.

I have a family reunion
this weekend -- not mine!

DOCTOR: Tell 'em you're
in a fight club.

VICTORIA: The stuff
obviously didn't work.

BAXTER: Emir's sweating
worse than he ever did!

AMIR: I'm sweating
out of everything.

DOCTOR: Okay, this is all gonna
go down in about five days.

Five business days.

BAXTER: Son of a bitch!

I don't have five business days!

DOCTOR: Please don't sue me!

VICTORIA:
I just want the good stuff,

something that will actually
make a difference.

BAXTER: You gave us Brtox.
We want the good stuff.

DOCTOR: Wait, you're...not gonna
sue me? You want the good stuff?

AMIR:
We want the good stuff, man!

-VICTORIA: Yes!
-BAXTER: If you have it.

DOCTOR: Okay, all right.

Of course I do!
Of course I do!

AMIR: This is the fifth shirt
that I've sweat through today.

DOCTOR: Look!

I've got the better version
of Brtox.

I've got Brotox.

-ALL: Brotox!
-DOCTOR: Yeah!

It was in this --
VICTORIA: Yeah!

-BAXTER: Okay.
-DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah.

How about some?
-ALL: [ Chanting "Brotox" ]

GLENN: Chambong
is a great doctor.

He's also a notary public,
a marijuana clown,

and a he smokes his own meat.

I bought prime rib
out of the trunk of his Corolla.

I ate that trunk meat,
and it was yum.

-BAXTER: Oh!
-DOCTOR: Oh, boy!

-VICTORIA: My turn, my turn!
-DOCTOR: That's gonna do ya.

-AMIR: Yeah.
-BAXTER: Feels really good.

-AMIR: Oh!
-BAXTER: Feels really good.

AMIR: Wow! Is he supposed
to sound like that?

DOCTOR: Well,
his other eye is going,

so it's a match.

-AMIR: Oh, all right.
-DOCTOR: You're next.

You look beautiful.

ALL: [ Chanting "Brotox" ]

BAXTER: Now this is
the good stuff.

Honey roasted peanut man,
where's my car?!