Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
♪♪
Dean: Why are we
in a sales slump?
Chelsea: Ugh.
Andrew: I got to be honest,
our sales haven't been great,
Dean, uh, it's always darkest
before the storm, right?
Dean: That is not true.
Victoria: It's not...
Baxter: It's darkest before
night is what we're saying.
Dean: No. Why would it be
darkest before night?
Baxter: It's darkest
right before night.
And we're about to be in night.
Dean: You're not correct.
It's darkest when it's dark.
That's when it's the darkest.
Andrew: No. It's darkest
when it's darker than dark.
Dean: And when is that?
Andrew: I don't know,
but sometimes at night,
you can be like,
"Oh, it's night.
It's pretty dark."
And then sometimes
you're at night,
and you're like,
"Whoa, it got darker."
Baxter: Yeah.
The stars are out.
There's the moon out,
and it's pretty bright.
Dean: How does
this relate to sales?
Why are you not selling more?
Victoria: Well, I think
it's pretty obvious.
Baxter: Why?
Victoria: Because you guys
are idiots.
Baxter: People like that.
Dean: Is this true?
Baxter: People
like the approachability...
of not knowing
much information.
You don't
want to seem above them.
Andrew: Nah. We ask them
a lot of of questions.
What kind of house is this?
Do you know how much it costs?
Uh, how many rooms does it have?
Baxter: Did you happen
to count the bedrooms?
We haven't been upstairs yet.
In fact, we have bought
houses from clients.
Dean: That is, at best,
counterproductive.
And has this led to any sales?
Andrew: It did lead to a sale.
Baxter: Mm-hmm.
Dean: Which sale was that?
Andrew: We sold our Schwinn.
Dean: You shared a bike?
♪♪
Chelsea: Showing a property
to one of Victoria's clients
is like taking candy
from a baby,
a baby that swears and wears way
too much makeup.
You know, I am no chef,
but I love a stainless chef's
kitchen, right?
Shoshua: Mm-hmm.
Speaking of chef,
I have a question for you.
Shoshua: What's your name
again, sweetheart?
-Chelsea: I'm Chelsea.
-Shoshua: Chelsea.
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Shoshua: Shoshua.
Chelsea: Shoshua, yay.
-Shoshua: What is your gumbo?
-Chelsea: My...
Shoshua: What are the flavors
that make this beautiful
you-fle?
Clearly, there's some African
in there, and it's hot.
It's beautiful.
Is there some Asian, too?
Chelsea: You know,
I actually don't know.
My parents didn't
believe in labels, so...
Shoshua: Can I...
Mm-hmm.
There's some Asian in there.
Victoria: Did you
taste something?
Shoshua: [ Laughs ]
Chelsea:
He tasted me. Ah.
Victoria: Shoshua is
a horrifying vagina scarecrow,
but he's rich,
and I want that commission.
Shoshua: These floors,
this is concrete and this is...
Chelsea: Yes. It is...
Shoshua: Because I have
a lot of squirter friends.
So it gets kind of
playful in here.
Some of my European
friends are into scat play.
I'm not,
but I'm totally open to that.
Chelsea: Me too.
[ Laughter ]
Whatever you want.
-Shoshua: She's terrific.
-Victoria: Isn't she?
-Shoshua: She's terrific.
Chelsea: Shoshua
is like fine wine,
only instead of
getting better with time,
he gets even more disgusting.
Shoshua: Where are the, um,...
What do you call them,
the beams, the supports,
'cause I like to hang plants
and fuck-swings
and things like that.
Chelsea: Oh.
Victoria: There it is.
Shoshua: I don't
have any boundaries.
Victoria: Uh, no.
No, he doesn't.
He's telling the truth.
Shoshua: Ahh.
♪♪
Glenn: Amir invited me
to his groundbreaking seminar.
I'm honored he could fit me in.
And I got the fast pass,
so no lines.
Amir: Hey!
How's it going?
Are you all ready to find out
what the secret to life is?
Well, then you're
at the wrong place.
Are you ready to find out what
the secret to real estate is?
Well, then you're
in the right place.
Let's get started.
If Glenn is truly
Dean's bastard son,
then he's my golden ticket
to the partnership.
I'm gonna take this boy
under my wing
and Yaghoob all over him.
Thank you all for being here.
I really appreciate it.
Here we go.
Point number one
is believe in it.
I'm talking about believe
like you've never
believed before, okay?
Glenn: Uh, well,
I was raised Catholic, so...
Amir: Just give me
a yes or a no.
-Glenn: Oh, yes.
-Amir: Well, take that belief
and throw it down the toilet.
Next, achieve.
Whatever you got to do,
you do to achieve.
You call your mom
and tell her to go
fuck herself if you have to.
You take a baby,
and you throw it
off the top of a building
if you have to.
Hold on. It's okay.
No, you don't have to really
throw a baby off the building.
Glenn: I don't want to tell
my mom to fuck off.
I don't have any other family.
Amir: Let's just keep going.
And what's
the next thing you do?
You bechieve!
That's me,
jumping and clicking my heels
for the first time in my life.
You know why?
Because I bechieved
that I could do it,
and I did do it, Glenn.
Glenn: Very cool.
It's a great word.
Amir: Glenn!
Don't interrupt me.
-Glenn: I'm sorry.
Amir: Okay, I've got
my eyes on you.
I see what you're doing,
right there. I got you.
I see you.
-Glenn: What?
Amir: I don't need you
to interrupt me.
-Glenn: How did you do...
-Amir: Okay.
That's what we're talking about,
right there.
That's what this whole lecture
is about,
bechieving like that, okay?
-Glenn: Okay.
-Amir: Do you want that posture?
Do you want that...
[ Grunts ]
Minds blown, people.
Time to wrap it up.
Yes, I've got
just a little bit of time
for questions, comments,
accolade.
Yes, the middle-aged lesbian
in the front.
Glenn: Okay, pretty good.
Uh, that was
an incredible lecture.
Amir: Thank you very much.
That's all the time we have.
And remember,
if you want to achieve,
if you want to believe,
then you can...
Glenn: Bechieve it.
Amir: Bechieve it.
[ Glenn claps ]
Glenn: Wow.
That was incredible.
He showed me who I am
and who I could be.
Not bad for three grand.
♪♪
Andrew: [ Barks ]
We're on our way
to see a 1920s Bel Air estate.
Baxter: I looked it up
on Zillow.
The zestimate is $9.2 million,
and zat's not too zabby.
Andrew: If we can list
this estate,
it'll pull us out of our slump.
Baxter: And make us a shoe-in
for the partnership.
Andrew: This place is crazy.
-Baxter: Don't touch that.
-Andrew: Somebody did that.
Baxter: They'll follow you home.
Those things follow you home.
Andrew: I know, remember?
We don't go to
the American Doll store anymore.
Baxter: Plus, we're banned.
I stole
Samantha's horse-riding kit.
Andrew: Mm-hmm.
[ Wheelchair wheels squeaking ]
Hello.
Mrs. Gulliver: [ Wheezes ]
Baxter: She can't breathe.
Andrew: It's an absolute
pleasure to meet you.
Butler: Presenting
Mrs. Gulliver.
Andrew: This feels like the part
of a horror movie
where we run out of gas.
Baxter: Yeah, and then we ask
for help at the murder house.
Butler: I must tell you,
Mrs. Gulliver has not decided
whether you will be the lads
to sell this fantastic property.
For her to choose you,
two fit, strapping boys
such as yourself must woo her.
-Andrew: Oh.
-Butler: And woo her well.
Andrew: Woo her?
Oh, this'll be easy.
Baxter: We are great
with old ladies.
Mrs. Gulliver,
I love those rings.
You really know how to dress.
Andrew: Yeah, you have a style
that most would not
be able to pull off.
Gulliver: I would like some tea.
Baxter: Oh, tea.
Butler: She would like
some tea, mother.
-Andrew: Okay.
-Baxter: Oh, do you want sugar?
-Gulliver: No.
-Butler: She said yes.
-Andrew: She said yes?
-Gulliver: No.
-Butler: She said yes.
-Baxter: She's saying no.
-Gulliver: No.
-Butler: No, she's saying yes.
-Andrew: Okay.
-Baxter: Okay.
Milk?
-Gulliver: No.
Butler: Yes.
She's saying yes.
-Baxter: She's saying no.
-Butler: No, she's saying yes.
-Gulliver: No.
-Baxter: There we go.
-Andrew: Ooh.
-Baxter: Stir?
-Gulliver: No.
-Butler: No, don't stir.
Baxter: Okay.
So that one's a no.
-Andrew: It's in the tone?
-Baxter: Okay.
Andrew: A beautiful cup of tea
for a beautiful woman.
-Gulliver: [ Slurps ]
Andrew: Oh, my God.
This is taking forever.
Baxter: Honestly,
I feel like she's died
and come back to life twice
in the last 10 minutes.
Andrew: Uh, Mrs. Gulliver,
how much are you looking
to sell the property for?
Do you have a figure in mind?
Butler: $75 billion.
Andrew: $75 billion.
Uh...okay.
Well, we can work with...
Baxter: I think
that's a little high.
Butler: Oh.
Ah, $17,000.
Andrew: Okay.
You know what is great
about those figures
is I think we could probably
meet somewhere in the middle
and be really successful.
-Butler: Strong branch.
-Gulliver: [ Screams ]
Butler: Mother, Mother, Mother,
Mother, Mother.
♪♪
Shoshua: Help me!
Help me!
I'm scared. I'm horny.
I'm scared.
-Victoria: I know.
Chelsea: Victoria's client,
Shoshua,
is still creeping us out.
And up we go, and here we are,
your own private
rooftop terrace.
Isn't it stunning?
-Shoshua: Oh, my gosh.
Victoria: Oh, Chelsea,
this is great, right?
-Shoshua: This is cool.
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Victoria: I love it.
Shoshua: Mm. This is fantastic.
Chelsea: Yeah, I think it's
actually really streamlined.
It's my favorite space.
-Shoshua: You know what?
I have a confession
to make with you guys.
I feel like
I haven't been honest.
-Victoria: No?
-Shoshua: No.
I feel like maybe I've been
kind of joking around
about something
I'm very serious about.
And that's having sex
with both of you.
Chelsea: [ Gags ]
People I'd have sex with
before Shoshua --
all of the people.
Shoshua: In my experience,
if I persist...
-Victoria: Okay, no, no.
-Shoshua: ...and I persist...
and I persist,
I get what I want.
Chelsea: Let's just all
go back inside.
Shoshua: This hand's
gonna distract you,
and this hand's gonna
grab that beautiful titty.
Victoria: [ Gasps ]
Victoria: Oh, my God.
My commission!
[ Both screaming ]
♪♪
[ Ragtime music plays ]
-Andrew: This is fun.
-Butler: Yeah.
-Andrew: This is nice.
-Baxter: This is very nice.
Meanwhile, on Sunset Boulevard,
Norman Desmond is drooling
all over my Gucci blazer.
Butler: She's
the most popular girl
on the dance floor, yeah.
Butler: Here, get your arms out.
Baxter: I'm trying.
I'm trying.
Butler: Ooh, look at you,
the belle of the ball.
There you go.
-Andrew: Oh, gosh.
Oh, man.
She is light on her feet.
Butler: As though she were
some kind of magic -- Okay.
Yeah, yeah. Here we go.
-Andrew: I got her.
I got her. She's good.
-Butler: Okay.
Got her?
And now who's next?
Who's next?
She's light as a feather.
Andrew: Does she have
a hole on her back?
There was a hole in --
Butler: Yeah, that's
an access port, yeah.
Baxter: I think she can't
breathe. Help her up.
Andrew: I feel like
we find ourselves
in this situation way too often.
-Baxter: Where's the what?
-Butler: Yeah, yeah.
Oh, look who comes out.
And look who comes out.
-Baxter: She's having babies?
-Butler: Your daughters!
-Baxter: No.
Butler: Oh, your daughters.
Baxter: These are our daughters?
Butler: Yeah. Yeah.
Everyone, take them
to your breasts.
Andrew: That's very beautiful.
Butler: Oh, what a happy family.
What a happy family.
Andrew: Hi, crazy grip.
-Butler: Yeah, yeah.
-Andrew: That's interesting.
Oh, look at us.
Baxter: Okay.
♪♪
Amir: It's time
to take Glenn to the next level.
And the caterpillar
sprouts wings.
Glenn.
-Glenn: Uh-huh.
Amir: Do you know
why I brought you here?
Glenn: Uh, let me guess.
You brought me here because
I looked so hungry today.
Amir: I brought you here
because I think that you're
a piece of garbage.
-Glenn: What?
-Amir: I think you're a piece
of garbage
that needs to be molded
and can be molded into one
of the best real estate agents
that our agency has ever had.
Glenn: Really?
Amir: I want to be
your mentor, Glenn.
-Glenn: Are you serious?
-Amir: I'm serious.
-Glenn: Wow.
-Amir: Yeah.
Glenn: I don't know what to say.
I'm so touched.
I mean...
-Amir: Don't say anything.
Glenn: [ Laughing ] Oh, wow.
This is like Christmas,
my birthday,
and Casimir Pulaski Day
all rolled into one.
-Amir: Put that on.
-Glenn: Okay.
-Amir: Yeah.
-Glenn: Go on backwards.
Amir: It's not only the hottest
necklace you've ever worn.
It's also a shock collar.
Glenn: Okay.
Amir: Oh, unless you don't want
me to be your mentor.
Glenn: No, no.
No, are you kidding? No.
Amir: Listen to me.
Every time
you say something wrong...
Every time you say something
that's against
the bechieve code,
you get a little shock.
It's not like a crazy shock.
It's just like a, unh,
a little reminder.
Glenn: Oh, okay. Great.
All right.
So I'm looking forward to that.
Amir: Are you looking forward
to it?
Glenn: Yeah, I am.
Amir: Never look forward
to anything, Glenn.
Glenn: Ooh, that's not
a little shock.
Amir: Look backwards
because someone's gonna
come up behind you
and stab you in the fucking ass.
Now, let's try to make-bechieve
what it would be like
to walk me through...
-Glenn: Okay.
-Amir: ...an open house.
Glenn: Okay. This is great.
-Amir: Great.
-Glenn: Yeah, I love role play.
-Amir: Let's go.
-Glenn: Okay.
Hey.
Welcome to this house.
Amir: Oh, hi.
Thanks for having me.
Glenn: Yeah.
This is one of the best listings
that we have to offer.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Amir: What do you want
them to think?
That everyone else
gets a shitty listing?
-Glenn: No, no.
-Amir: Is that
what you want them to think?
Everyone gets
the best of Platner!
Glenn: Okay, okay. Uh, hi.
Um, this is one of --
this is one of the many listings
that we have that are awesome.
-Amir: Great.
-Glenn: And, obviously,
9,300 square feet
is nothing the sneeze at.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Amir: I'm sorry.
They don't want to
hear about sneezing.
Amir: It's okay.
You're getting it.
You're getting it.
It takes a little bit.
Glenn: Living room, kitchen, uh,
dining room.
Amir: Yeah, okay.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Yeah. That's good.
Okay.
You never want to show
that you're bored.
Oh.
Damn it, it's stuck.
It's stuck.
No, Glenn. I'm sorry. I don't
mean to be punishing you.
Damn it.
It's not...
Glenn: Aaaaaah!
Ohhhhh.
Ahh.
Glenn: I 100% bechieve that Amir
has the best intentions for me.
Beautiful view.
[ Chuckles ]
Great place to have lunch.
I can't wait to get
my pants wet on a client.
Everything good over here?
♪♪
[ Victoria and Chelsea
screaming ]
Victoria: I'm out of here!
I'm out of here!
Chelsea: No, you can't leave!
Get your ass back here!
You're in this shit.
As a listing agent, I'm liable
for whatever happens
on this property,
like vandalism, theft,
accidental deaths.
Victoria: Okay,
what do you want to do?
Chelsea: Just drag him
and dig a hole
and just bury him
and then plant some flowers
and just do a planted --
a tomato garden
and just be like, "This is
a feature of the property now."
Victoria: Fuck this.
If I'm gonna get my hands dirty,
I'm gonna get paid for it.
Technically,
this is your listing.
I'm not really gonna make money
off this house.
I feel like if I'm
gonna help you do this,
I should probably get
at least half of the commission.
Chelsea: I'll give you 30%.
Victoria: 40%.
Chelsea: 35%.
-Victoria: Deal.
-Chelsea: All right.
Shoshua: Oh, whoa.
Victoria: He's moving!
He's moving! It's slipping!
He's slipping.
-Chelsea: Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Victoria: I found it.
Okay, okay.
Should we do
some kind of prayers?
-Chelsea: Are you religious?
-Victoria: No, I thought
you were though
because you, like,
you have the African earrings
and the...
Chelsea: What?
What are you doing right now?
You think I'm religious
because of African earrings?
Victoria: Look, I'm just saying
that we should probably
say a prayer, okay,
so at least his soul
can move on.
Chelsea: Okay.
Victoria: Dear, uh...
uh, Jesus,
please take him with you.
Maybe keep him
away from other women
while he's up there.
Chelsea: You know, it's weird
to see Victoria worship
something other than money.
Victoria: Here's the thing,
we're gonna have to
chop him up into little pieces.
And it's gonna get messy.
It's gonna get dirty.
Chelsea: Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait.
What if he's not dead?
-Victoria: What?
Chelsea: We didn't
check his pulse?
Victoria: You didn't
check his pulse?
Chelsea: No, I didn't check it.
I didn't know that was my job.
Victoria: Of course
that's your job.
-Chelsea: Well, how?
-Victoria: Just check it.
-Chelsea: All right. All right.
-Victoria: It's fine.
If he's dead, you're not
gonna feel anything.
Shoshua: [ Gasps ]
[ Both scream ]
Chelsea: Oh! What'd you do?
Victoria: Sorry.
♪♪
Butler: After much
consideration,
has decided to allow
you to sell her home...
Baxter: Yes.
Andrew: Magic.
Baxter: Great.
Butler: ...if you will complete
one round of Turkish wrestling.
And whoever is the victor will
be the salesperson of this home.
Andrew: Okay.
I'm not not gonna get the sale.
Baxter: Oh, my God.
Andrew: Oh, we've wrestled
for a lot less than
half a million in commish.
-Baxter: Jesus.
-Butler: Oh, no, no, slow, slow.
This is part of it.
Andrew: Oh, my God.
I hope to win this match
in your honor.
Butler: Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Andrew: Turkish wrestling,
uh, tradition.
Baxter: I hope to
win this in your honor.
And then I suck it?
Butler: Yeah.
Gulliver: [ Purrs ]
-Andrew: Game on.
-Butler: Yeah!
-Baxter: No, no.
-Butler: Yeah, okay.
Baxter: That was --
That was illegal.
Butler: Grab his grundle!
Grab his grundle!
Thrash at his wat-nuts!
Oh, no!
Yeah, yeah!
Got it!
Got it, oh!
Oh, wedgie!
Dominate his truth!
Yeah!
Turkish! Turkish! Turkish!
Yeah!
Homeowner: What the hell
are you doing in my house?
Baxter: Huh?
Butler: Come on, Bernice,
let's go, let's go!
-Gulliver: Jesus.
Butler: You, get out of our way.
-Gulliver: Fuck you guys!
-Butler: Suck it!
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, my God, baby,
that was so hot!
Baxter: She's not even old,
and he's not even a butler!
Andrew: [ Sighs ]
How could you tell that?
♪♪
Glenn: Uh, this is the, uh,
just an outdoor kind
of place, uh...
I don't know if you'd call it
an atrium or, you know...
Mentor Client:
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Glenn: Yeah.
I'm excited for my first client
under Amir's system,
but I'm also a little nervous.
I think if I just
follow the three-point system
and bechieve, I'll be fine.
Mentor Client: So what are
the school systems like?
Glenn: Uh, it's
all white people.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Uh, it's all rich people.
Mentor Client: Um,
what are the neighbors like?
Because we don't
like talking to our neighbors.
Glenn: Oh, they're --
they're, uh...
they're just mountain people.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Mentor Client: Mountain people?
That's gonna be a problem.
-Glenn: Oh, yeah.
Mentor Client: What's the water
filtration for the gardens?
Mentor Client: I see
that there is grass.
Glenn: Well, the ocean's pretty
much, uh, like, really big,
so you just go scoop up
stuff from the ocean
and, uh, walk it up or, uh...
bring it up, and there's a...
-Mentor Client: What?
Glenn: You know, I could
show you the potty right now.
Mentor Client: The potty?
-Glenn: The swimming potty.
-Mentor Client: What?
Glenn: I'm sorry, the hot --
the hot -- the hot potty.
Mentor Client: The hot potty?
Glenn: No, that -- that, no.
You're a potty hotty.
Mentor Client: Potty?
Glenn: You're a hotty.
You go -- you go to the potty.
You're a hotty
that goes to the potty.
Mentor Client: Are you asking me
if I need to use the restroom?
Glenn: No, you're -- God! God!
Come on, Glenn!
Bechieve it!
You have to bechieve it!
-Mentor Client: I...
-Glenn: Just bechieve it!
Mentor Client: This is amazing
for parties.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Glenn: Aaaaaah!
Amir: So, uh, what
are you thinking?
What is your, uh, vibe?
Mentor Client: Um, I'm
just gonna step over here.
I thought the view
was really nice.
Amir: 360 views,
really, you're gonna love it.
I was able to save
the deal despite Glenn.
I'm very disappointed.
I guess that's what happens
when you help people.
Lesson learned.
Press that button
until I get back.
[ Electricity crackles ]
♪♪
Shoshua: [ Sighs ]
Oh.
Chelsea: Mm.
-Shoshua: Wow.
-Chelsea: Hey.
-Shoshua: [ Laughs ]
-Victoria: Morning.
Shoshua: Guess I just woke up
from some sex, huh?
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Victoria: Yeah, great.
Shoshua: I don't remember much
for some reason.
Chelsea: Oh, you don't remember?
Shoshua: No, I'm just kind of
sore and, you know, after-horny,
so I know
something good happened.
-Victoria: Yeah, it was good.
-Chelsea: Oh, so good.
Shoshua: Yeah, I'm glad
you guys came around.
Aren't you, now?
-Chelsea: Yeah.
We were being
stupid bitches before.
Shoshua: I didn't
want to say it, but yeah.
Victoria: Yeah.
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Shoshua: Ah.
Chelsea: So we decided
to try the old
"fake a three-way to cover up
an attempted murder" trick.
Victoria: Real estate 101.
Chelsea: Oh, man, I could just
live in this moment forever,
but...
-Shoshua: Mm-hmm.
Chelsea: I got to -- I have a...
Victoria: We have to...
-Chelsea: Oh.
-Shoshua: Wow.
Victoria: This guy
is like a sex zombie.
You hit him in the head
with a shovel,
and he still wants to fuck.
Shoshua: You promise I didn't
scream my sister's name?
Chelsea: Oh. [ Laughs ]
Victoria: No,
you didn't scream anything.
Shoshua: I'd be so embarrassed
if that happened again.
It is beautiful here.
And you know what?
I had a lovely day.
-Chelsea: Aw.
Shoshua: Thank you both
so much, really. Really.
Chelsea: Thank you.
Shoshua: And I want to
buy this house.
-Chelsea: Oh, really?
-Victoria: That's great.
Shoshua: I want to live here
for the rest of my life.
Chelsea: Congratulations!
Shoshua: You guys
sold the house.
-Chelsea: All right!
-Shoshua: Yeah!
Chelsea: Hey.
Shoshua: Yeah!
Victoria: Oh!
Victoria: [ Sighs ] He missed
the pool.
Chelsea: Yeah. That's just,
like, all concrete.
Dean: Why are we
in a sales slump?
Chelsea: Ugh.
Andrew: I got to be honest,
our sales haven't been great,
Dean, uh, it's always darkest
before the storm, right?
Dean: That is not true.
Victoria: It's not...
Baxter: It's darkest before
night is what we're saying.
Dean: No. Why would it be
darkest before night?
Baxter: It's darkest
right before night.
And we're about to be in night.
Dean: You're not correct.
It's darkest when it's dark.
That's when it's the darkest.
Andrew: No. It's darkest
when it's darker than dark.
Dean: And when is that?
Andrew: I don't know,
but sometimes at night,
you can be like,
"Oh, it's night.
It's pretty dark."
And then sometimes
you're at night,
and you're like,
"Whoa, it got darker."
Baxter: Yeah.
The stars are out.
There's the moon out,
and it's pretty bright.
Dean: How does
this relate to sales?
Why are you not selling more?
Victoria: Well, I think
it's pretty obvious.
Baxter: Why?
Victoria: Because you guys
are idiots.
Baxter: People like that.
Dean: Is this true?
Baxter: People
like the approachability...
of not knowing
much information.
You don't
want to seem above them.
Andrew: Nah. We ask them
a lot of of questions.
What kind of house is this?
Do you know how much it costs?
Uh, how many rooms does it have?
Baxter: Did you happen
to count the bedrooms?
We haven't been upstairs yet.
In fact, we have bought
houses from clients.
Dean: That is, at best,
counterproductive.
And has this led to any sales?
Andrew: It did lead to a sale.
Baxter: Mm-hmm.
Dean: Which sale was that?
Andrew: We sold our Schwinn.
Dean: You shared a bike?
♪♪
Chelsea: Showing a property
to one of Victoria's clients
is like taking candy
from a baby,
a baby that swears and wears way
too much makeup.
You know, I am no chef,
but I love a stainless chef's
kitchen, right?
Shoshua: Mm-hmm.
Speaking of chef,
I have a question for you.
Shoshua: What's your name
again, sweetheart?
-Chelsea: I'm Chelsea.
-Shoshua: Chelsea.
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Shoshua: Shoshua.
Chelsea: Shoshua, yay.
-Shoshua: What is your gumbo?
-Chelsea: My...
Shoshua: What are the flavors
that make this beautiful
you-fle?
Clearly, there's some African
in there, and it's hot.
It's beautiful.
Is there some Asian, too?
Chelsea: You know,
I actually don't know.
My parents didn't
believe in labels, so...
Shoshua: Can I...
Mm-hmm.
There's some Asian in there.
Victoria: Did you
taste something?
Shoshua: [ Laughs ]
Chelsea:
He tasted me. Ah.
Victoria: Shoshua is
a horrifying vagina scarecrow,
but he's rich,
and I want that commission.
Shoshua: These floors,
this is concrete and this is...
Chelsea: Yes. It is...
Shoshua: Because I have
a lot of squirter friends.
So it gets kind of
playful in here.
Some of my European
friends are into scat play.
I'm not,
but I'm totally open to that.
Chelsea: Me too.
[ Laughter ]
Whatever you want.
-Shoshua: She's terrific.
-Victoria: Isn't she?
-Shoshua: She's terrific.
Chelsea: Shoshua
is like fine wine,
only instead of
getting better with time,
he gets even more disgusting.
Shoshua: Where are the, um,...
What do you call them,
the beams, the supports,
'cause I like to hang plants
and fuck-swings
and things like that.
Chelsea: Oh.
Victoria: There it is.
Shoshua: I don't
have any boundaries.
Victoria: Uh, no.
No, he doesn't.
He's telling the truth.
Shoshua: Ahh.
♪♪
Glenn: Amir invited me
to his groundbreaking seminar.
I'm honored he could fit me in.
And I got the fast pass,
so no lines.
Amir: Hey!
How's it going?
Are you all ready to find out
what the secret to life is?
Well, then you're
at the wrong place.
Are you ready to find out what
the secret to real estate is?
Well, then you're
in the right place.
Let's get started.
If Glenn is truly
Dean's bastard son,
then he's my golden ticket
to the partnership.
I'm gonna take this boy
under my wing
and Yaghoob all over him.
Thank you all for being here.
I really appreciate it.
Here we go.
Point number one
is believe in it.
I'm talking about believe
like you've never
believed before, okay?
Glenn: Uh, well,
I was raised Catholic, so...
Amir: Just give me
a yes or a no.
-Glenn: Oh, yes.
-Amir: Well, take that belief
and throw it down the toilet.
Next, achieve.
Whatever you got to do,
you do to achieve.
You call your mom
and tell her to go
fuck herself if you have to.
You take a baby,
and you throw it
off the top of a building
if you have to.
Hold on. It's okay.
No, you don't have to really
throw a baby off the building.
Glenn: I don't want to tell
my mom to fuck off.
I don't have any other family.
Amir: Let's just keep going.
And what's
the next thing you do?
You bechieve!
That's me,
jumping and clicking my heels
for the first time in my life.
You know why?
Because I bechieved
that I could do it,
and I did do it, Glenn.
Glenn: Very cool.
It's a great word.
Amir: Glenn!
Don't interrupt me.
-Glenn: I'm sorry.
Amir: Okay, I've got
my eyes on you.
I see what you're doing,
right there. I got you.
I see you.
-Glenn: What?
Amir: I don't need you
to interrupt me.
-Glenn: How did you do...
-Amir: Okay.
That's what we're talking about,
right there.
That's what this whole lecture
is about,
bechieving like that, okay?
-Glenn: Okay.
-Amir: Do you want that posture?
Do you want that...
[ Grunts ]
Minds blown, people.
Time to wrap it up.
Yes, I've got
just a little bit of time
for questions, comments,
accolade.
Yes, the middle-aged lesbian
in the front.
Glenn: Okay, pretty good.
Uh, that was
an incredible lecture.
Amir: Thank you very much.
That's all the time we have.
And remember,
if you want to achieve,
if you want to believe,
then you can...
Glenn: Bechieve it.
Amir: Bechieve it.
[ Glenn claps ]
Glenn: Wow.
That was incredible.
He showed me who I am
and who I could be.
Not bad for three grand.
♪♪
Andrew: [ Barks ]
We're on our way
to see a 1920s Bel Air estate.
Baxter: I looked it up
on Zillow.
The zestimate is $9.2 million,
and zat's not too zabby.
Andrew: If we can list
this estate,
it'll pull us out of our slump.
Baxter: And make us a shoe-in
for the partnership.
Andrew: This place is crazy.
-Baxter: Don't touch that.
-Andrew: Somebody did that.
Baxter: They'll follow you home.
Those things follow you home.
Andrew: I know, remember?
We don't go to
the American Doll store anymore.
Baxter: Plus, we're banned.
I stole
Samantha's horse-riding kit.
Andrew: Mm-hmm.
[ Wheelchair wheels squeaking ]
Hello.
Mrs. Gulliver: [ Wheezes ]
Baxter: She can't breathe.
Andrew: It's an absolute
pleasure to meet you.
Butler: Presenting
Mrs. Gulliver.
Andrew: This feels like the part
of a horror movie
where we run out of gas.
Baxter: Yeah, and then we ask
for help at the murder house.
Butler: I must tell you,
Mrs. Gulliver has not decided
whether you will be the lads
to sell this fantastic property.
For her to choose you,
two fit, strapping boys
such as yourself must woo her.
-Andrew: Oh.
-Butler: And woo her well.
Andrew: Woo her?
Oh, this'll be easy.
Baxter: We are great
with old ladies.
Mrs. Gulliver,
I love those rings.
You really know how to dress.
Andrew: Yeah, you have a style
that most would not
be able to pull off.
Gulliver: I would like some tea.
Baxter: Oh, tea.
Butler: She would like
some tea, mother.
-Andrew: Okay.
-Baxter: Oh, do you want sugar?
-Gulliver: No.
-Butler: She said yes.
-Andrew: She said yes?
-Gulliver: No.
-Butler: She said yes.
-Baxter: She's saying no.
-Gulliver: No.
-Butler: No, she's saying yes.
-Andrew: Okay.
-Baxter: Okay.
Milk?
-Gulliver: No.
Butler: Yes.
She's saying yes.
-Baxter: She's saying no.
-Butler: No, she's saying yes.
-Gulliver: No.
-Baxter: There we go.
-Andrew: Ooh.
-Baxter: Stir?
-Gulliver: No.
-Butler: No, don't stir.
Baxter: Okay.
So that one's a no.
-Andrew: It's in the tone?
-Baxter: Okay.
Andrew: A beautiful cup of tea
for a beautiful woman.
-Gulliver: [ Slurps ]
Andrew: Oh, my God.
This is taking forever.
Baxter: Honestly,
I feel like she's died
and come back to life twice
in the last 10 minutes.
Andrew: Uh, Mrs. Gulliver,
how much are you looking
to sell the property for?
Do you have a figure in mind?
Butler: $75 billion.
Andrew: $75 billion.
Uh...okay.
Well, we can work with...
Baxter: I think
that's a little high.
Butler: Oh.
Ah, $17,000.
Andrew: Okay.
You know what is great
about those figures
is I think we could probably
meet somewhere in the middle
and be really successful.
-Butler: Strong branch.
-Gulliver: [ Screams ]
Butler: Mother, Mother, Mother,
Mother, Mother.
♪♪
Shoshua: Help me!
Help me!
I'm scared. I'm horny.
I'm scared.
-Victoria: I know.
Chelsea: Victoria's client,
Shoshua,
is still creeping us out.
And up we go, and here we are,
your own private
rooftop terrace.
Isn't it stunning?
-Shoshua: Oh, my gosh.
Victoria: Oh, Chelsea,
this is great, right?
-Shoshua: This is cool.
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Victoria: I love it.
Shoshua: Mm. This is fantastic.
Chelsea: Yeah, I think it's
actually really streamlined.
It's my favorite space.
-Shoshua: You know what?
I have a confession
to make with you guys.
I feel like
I haven't been honest.
-Victoria: No?
-Shoshua: No.
I feel like maybe I've been
kind of joking around
about something
I'm very serious about.
And that's having sex
with both of you.
Chelsea: [ Gags ]
People I'd have sex with
before Shoshua --
all of the people.
Shoshua: In my experience,
if I persist...
-Victoria: Okay, no, no.
-Shoshua: ...and I persist...
and I persist,
I get what I want.
Chelsea: Let's just all
go back inside.
Shoshua: This hand's
gonna distract you,
and this hand's gonna
grab that beautiful titty.
Victoria: [ Gasps ]
Victoria: Oh, my God.
My commission!
[ Both screaming ]
♪♪
[ Ragtime music plays ]
-Andrew: This is fun.
-Butler: Yeah.
-Andrew: This is nice.
-Baxter: This is very nice.
Meanwhile, on Sunset Boulevard,
Norman Desmond is drooling
all over my Gucci blazer.
Butler: She's
the most popular girl
on the dance floor, yeah.
Butler: Here, get your arms out.
Baxter: I'm trying.
I'm trying.
Butler: Ooh, look at you,
the belle of the ball.
There you go.
-Andrew: Oh, gosh.
Oh, man.
She is light on her feet.
Butler: As though she were
some kind of magic -- Okay.
Yeah, yeah. Here we go.
-Andrew: I got her.
I got her. She's good.
-Butler: Okay.
Got her?
And now who's next?
Who's next?
She's light as a feather.
Andrew: Does she have
a hole on her back?
There was a hole in --
Butler: Yeah, that's
an access port, yeah.
Baxter: I think she can't
breathe. Help her up.
Andrew: I feel like
we find ourselves
in this situation way too often.
-Baxter: Where's the what?
-Butler: Yeah, yeah.
Oh, look who comes out.
And look who comes out.
-Baxter: She's having babies?
-Butler: Your daughters!
-Baxter: No.
Butler: Oh, your daughters.
Baxter: These are our daughters?
Butler: Yeah. Yeah.
Everyone, take them
to your breasts.
Andrew: That's very beautiful.
Butler: Oh, what a happy family.
What a happy family.
Andrew: Hi, crazy grip.
-Butler: Yeah, yeah.
-Andrew: That's interesting.
Oh, look at us.
Baxter: Okay.
♪♪
Amir: It's time
to take Glenn to the next level.
And the caterpillar
sprouts wings.
Glenn.
-Glenn: Uh-huh.
Amir: Do you know
why I brought you here?
Glenn: Uh, let me guess.
You brought me here because
I looked so hungry today.
Amir: I brought you here
because I think that you're
a piece of garbage.
-Glenn: What?
-Amir: I think you're a piece
of garbage
that needs to be molded
and can be molded into one
of the best real estate agents
that our agency has ever had.
Glenn: Really?
Amir: I want to be
your mentor, Glenn.
-Glenn: Are you serious?
-Amir: I'm serious.
-Glenn: Wow.
-Amir: Yeah.
Glenn: I don't know what to say.
I'm so touched.
I mean...
-Amir: Don't say anything.
Glenn: [ Laughing ] Oh, wow.
This is like Christmas,
my birthday,
and Casimir Pulaski Day
all rolled into one.
-Amir: Put that on.
-Glenn: Okay.
-Amir: Yeah.
-Glenn: Go on backwards.
Amir: It's not only the hottest
necklace you've ever worn.
It's also a shock collar.
Glenn: Okay.
Amir: Oh, unless you don't want
me to be your mentor.
Glenn: No, no.
No, are you kidding? No.
Amir: Listen to me.
Every time
you say something wrong...
Every time you say something
that's against
the bechieve code,
you get a little shock.
It's not like a crazy shock.
It's just like a, unh,
a little reminder.
Glenn: Oh, okay. Great.
All right.
So I'm looking forward to that.
Amir: Are you looking forward
to it?
Glenn: Yeah, I am.
Amir: Never look forward
to anything, Glenn.
Glenn: Ooh, that's not
a little shock.
Amir: Look backwards
because someone's gonna
come up behind you
and stab you in the fucking ass.
Now, let's try to make-bechieve
what it would be like
to walk me through...
-Glenn: Okay.
-Amir: ...an open house.
Glenn: Okay. This is great.
-Amir: Great.
-Glenn: Yeah, I love role play.
-Amir: Let's go.
-Glenn: Okay.
Hey.
Welcome to this house.
Amir: Oh, hi.
Thanks for having me.
Glenn: Yeah.
This is one of the best listings
that we have to offer.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Amir: What do you want
them to think?
That everyone else
gets a shitty listing?
-Glenn: No, no.
-Amir: Is that
what you want them to think?
Everyone gets
the best of Platner!
Glenn: Okay, okay. Uh, hi.
Um, this is one of --
this is one of the many listings
that we have that are awesome.
-Amir: Great.
-Glenn: And, obviously,
9,300 square feet
is nothing the sneeze at.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Amir: I'm sorry.
They don't want to
hear about sneezing.
Amir: It's okay.
You're getting it.
You're getting it.
It takes a little bit.
Glenn: Living room, kitchen, uh,
dining room.
Amir: Yeah, okay.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Yeah. That's good.
Okay.
You never want to show
that you're bored.
Oh.
Damn it, it's stuck.
It's stuck.
No, Glenn. I'm sorry. I don't
mean to be punishing you.
Damn it.
It's not...
Glenn: Aaaaaah!
Ohhhhh.
Ahh.
Glenn: I 100% bechieve that Amir
has the best intentions for me.
Beautiful view.
[ Chuckles ]
Great place to have lunch.
I can't wait to get
my pants wet on a client.
Everything good over here?
♪♪
[ Victoria and Chelsea
screaming ]
Victoria: I'm out of here!
I'm out of here!
Chelsea: No, you can't leave!
Get your ass back here!
You're in this shit.
As a listing agent, I'm liable
for whatever happens
on this property,
like vandalism, theft,
accidental deaths.
Victoria: Okay,
what do you want to do?
Chelsea: Just drag him
and dig a hole
and just bury him
and then plant some flowers
and just do a planted --
a tomato garden
and just be like, "This is
a feature of the property now."
Victoria: Fuck this.
If I'm gonna get my hands dirty,
I'm gonna get paid for it.
Technically,
this is your listing.
I'm not really gonna make money
off this house.
I feel like if I'm
gonna help you do this,
I should probably get
at least half of the commission.
Chelsea: I'll give you 30%.
Victoria: 40%.
Chelsea: 35%.
-Victoria: Deal.
-Chelsea: All right.
Shoshua: Oh, whoa.
Victoria: He's moving!
He's moving! It's slipping!
He's slipping.
-Chelsea: Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Victoria: I found it.
Okay, okay.
Should we do
some kind of prayers?
-Chelsea: Are you religious?
-Victoria: No, I thought
you were though
because you, like,
you have the African earrings
and the...
Chelsea: What?
What are you doing right now?
You think I'm religious
because of African earrings?
Victoria: Look, I'm just saying
that we should probably
say a prayer, okay,
so at least his soul
can move on.
Chelsea: Okay.
Victoria: Dear, uh...
uh, Jesus,
please take him with you.
Maybe keep him
away from other women
while he's up there.
Chelsea: You know, it's weird
to see Victoria worship
something other than money.
Victoria: Here's the thing,
we're gonna have to
chop him up into little pieces.
And it's gonna get messy.
It's gonna get dirty.
Chelsea: Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait.
What if he's not dead?
-Victoria: What?
Chelsea: We didn't
check his pulse?
Victoria: You didn't
check his pulse?
Chelsea: No, I didn't check it.
I didn't know that was my job.
Victoria: Of course
that's your job.
-Chelsea: Well, how?
-Victoria: Just check it.
-Chelsea: All right. All right.
-Victoria: It's fine.
If he's dead, you're not
gonna feel anything.
Shoshua: [ Gasps ]
[ Both scream ]
Chelsea: Oh! What'd you do?
Victoria: Sorry.
♪♪
Butler: After much
consideration,
has decided to allow
you to sell her home...
Baxter: Yes.
Andrew: Magic.
Baxter: Great.
Butler: ...if you will complete
one round of Turkish wrestling.
And whoever is the victor will
be the salesperson of this home.
Andrew: Okay.
I'm not not gonna get the sale.
Baxter: Oh, my God.
Andrew: Oh, we've wrestled
for a lot less than
half a million in commish.
-Baxter: Jesus.
-Butler: Oh, no, no, slow, slow.
This is part of it.
Andrew: Oh, my God.
I hope to win this match
in your honor.
Butler: Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Andrew: Turkish wrestling,
uh, tradition.
Baxter: I hope to
win this in your honor.
And then I suck it?
Butler: Yeah.
Gulliver: [ Purrs ]
-Andrew: Game on.
-Butler: Yeah!
-Baxter: No, no.
-Butler: Yeah, okay.
Baxter: That was --
That was illegal.
Butler: Grab his grundle!
Grab his grundle!
Thrash at his wat-nuts!
Oh, no!
Yeah, yeah!
Got it!
Got it, oh!
Oh, wedgie!
Dominate his truth!
Yeah!
Turkish! Turkish! Turkish!
Yeah!
Homeowner: What the hell
are you doing in my house?
Baxter: Huh?
Butler: Come on, Bernice,
let's go, let's go!
-Gulliver: Jesus.
Butler: You, get out of our way.
-Gulliver: Fuck you guys!
-Butler: Suck it!
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, my God, baby,
that was so hot!
Baxter: She's not even old,
and he's not even a butler!
Andrew: [ Sighs ]
How could you tell that?
♪♪
Glenn: Uh, this is the, uh,
just an outdoor kind
of place, uh...
I don't know if you'd call it
an atrium or, you know...
Mentor Client:
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Glenn: Yeah.
I'm excited for my first client
under Amir's system,
but I'm also a little nervous.
I think if I just
follow the three-point system
and bechieve, I'll be fine.
Mentor Client: So what are
the school systems like?
Glenn: Uh, it's
all white people.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Uh, it's all rich people.
Mentor Client: Um,
what are the neighbors like?
Because we don't
like talking to our neighbors.
Glenn: Oh, they're --
they're, uh...
they're just mountain people.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Mentor Client: Mountain people?
That's gonna be a problem.
-Glenn: Oh, yeah.
Mentor Client: What's the water
filtration for the gardens?
Mentor Client: I see
that there is grass.
Glenn: Well, the ocean's pretty
much, uh, like, really big,
so you just go scoop up
stuff from the ocean
and, uh, walk it up or, uh...
bring it up, and there's a...
-Mentor Client: What?
Glenn: You know, I could
show you the potty right now.
Mentor Client: The potty?
-Glenn: The swimming potty.
-Mentor Client: What?
Glenn: I'm sorry, the hot --
the hot -- the hot potty.
Mentor Client: The hot potty?
Glenn: No, that -- that, no.
You're a potty hotty.
Mentor Client: Potty?
Glenn: You're a hotty.
You go -- you go to the potty.
You're a hotty
that goes to the potty.
Mentor Client: Are you asking me
if I need to use the restroom?
Glenn: No, you're -- God! God!
Come on, Glenn!
Bechieve it!
You have to bechieve it!
-Mentor Client: I...
-Glenn: Just bechieve it!
Mentor Client: This is amazing
for parties.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Glenn: Aaaaaah!
Amir: So, uh, what
are you thinking?
What is your, uh, vibe?
Mentor Client: Um, I'm
just gonna step over here.
I thought the view
was really nice.
Amir: 360 views,
really, you're gonna love it.
I was able to save
the deal despite Glenn.
I'm very disappointed.
I guess that's what happens
when you help people.
Lesson learned.
Press that button
until I get back.
[ Electricity crackles ]
♪♪
Shoshua: [ Sighs ]
Oh.
Chelsea: Mm.
-Shoshua: Wow.
-Chelsea: Hey.
-Shoshua: [ Laughs ]
-Victoria: Morning.
Shoshua: Guess I just woke up
from some sex, huh?
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Victoria: Yeah, great.
Shoshua: I don't remember much
for some reason.
Chelsea: Oh, you don't remember?
Shoshua: No, I'm just kind of
sore and, you know, after-horny,
so I know
something good happened.
-Victoria: Yeah, it was good.
-Chelsea: Oh, so good.
Shoshua: Yeah, I'm glad
you guys came around.
Aren't you, now?
-Chelsea: Yeah.
We were being
stupid bitches before.
Shoshua: I didn't
want to say it, but yeah.
Victoria: Yeah.
-Chelsea: Yeah.
-Shoshua: Ah.
Chelsea: So we decided
to try the old
"fake a three-way to cover up
an attempted murder" trick.
Victoria: Real estate 101.
Chelsea: Oh, man, I could just
live in this moment forever,
but...
-Shoshua: Mm-hmm.
Chelsea: I got to -- I have a...
Victoria: We have to...
-Chelsea: Oh.
-Shoshua: Wow.
Victoria: This guy
is like a sex zombie.
You hit him in the head
with a shovel,
and he still wants to fuck.
Shoshua: You promise I didn't
scream my sister's name?
Chelsea: Oh. [ Laughs ]
Victoria: No,
you didn't scream anything.
Shoshua: I'd be so embarrassed
if that happened again.
It is beautiful here.
And you know what?
I had a lovely day.
-Chelsea: Aw.
Shoshua: Thank you both
so much, really. Really.
Chelsea: Thank you.
Shoshua: And I want to
buy this house.
-Chelsea: Oh, really?
-Victoria: That's great.
Shoshua: I want to live here
for the rest of my life.
Chelsea: Congratulations!
Shoshua: You guys
sold the house.
-Chelsea: All right!
-Shoshua: Yeah!
Chelsea: Hey.
Shoshua: Yeah!
Victoria: Oh!
Victoria: [ Sighs ] He missed
the pool.
Chelsea: Yeah. That's just,
like, all concrete.