Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
♪♪
AGGRESSIVELY IGNORING BAXTER,
AS USUAL.
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I HEAR CHELSEA
START FIDGETING IN THE KITCHEN.
Chelsea: OH.
UGH!
Baxter:
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!
THIS LOOKS LIKE
IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.
♪♪
Chelsea: OH, OW!
[ LAUGHTER ]
Victoria:
OKAY, WHO AM I, WHO AM I?
"OH! OH!"
Baxter: "OW!"
Victoria: THAT WAS
THE FUNNIEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN, AND I'VE SEEN
EVERY ADAM SANDLER FILM --
EVEN THE ONES ON NETFLIX.
Baxter: "AAH!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
Baxter: IT'S...
WHO AM I, WHO AM I, WHO AM I?
"OH!"
Andrew: BAXTER
LAUGHING WITH VICTORIA?
BUT WE HATE VICTORIA.
DO I WANT THAT LAUGHTER
WITH HIM?
YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
I'M NOT JEALOUS OF IT,
I JUST WANT TO BE
IN HER PLACE,
AND IT'S KILLING ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
-Baxter: SHE'S SO STUPID.
-Andrew: WHAT DID SHE --
WHAT DID SHE DO?
-Baxter: YOU JUST MISSED IT.
-Andrew: WHAT DID SHE DO?
Baxter:
CHELSEA DID THE DUMBEST THING.
Chelsea: OW!
Victoria:
MOVE OVER, GRUMPY CAT,
'CAUSE HERE COMES THE CHELSEA.
OH. OH!
Baxter: "OH!"
Chelsea: OH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
Victoria:
THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED.
Baxter: HER EARRING, IT'S...
Andrew: HER EARRING IS STUPID?
-Victoria: NO!
-Baxter: NO! NO!
-Victoria:
WE'RE TELLING THE STORY.
-Baxter: IT GOT CAUGHT.
-Victoria: YEAH.
-Baxter: OH, OW!
Andrew: OH.
[ LAUGHTER STOPS ABRUPTLY ]
-Victoria: HEY, CHELSEA.
-Andrew: HEY.
Chelsea: YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Victoria: THAT WAS HER!
Baxter: THAT WAS HER,
LIKE TWO MINUTES AFTER.
Victoria: SORRY, ANDREW.
GUESS YOU CAN'T
SHARE EVERYTHING WITH BAXTER.
HEY, ANDREW,
CAN YOU GET ME SOME COFFEE?
Andrew: YEAH.
Victoria: MAKE SURE NOT TO "OW!"
-Baxter: YOU'RE REALLY GOOD.
-Victoria: THANK YOU.
IT'S UNCANNY.
♪♪
Amir: I'M GONNA SHOW
A NEW CLIENT, MR. HOROWITZ,
A HOUSE
IN THE PACIFIC PALISADES.
THAT'S RIGHT, HOROWITZ.
YEAH, THIS GUY'S GOT MONEY.
WHAT, I CAN SAY THAT --
I'M JEWISH.
MY FAVORITE PART
OF THE HOUSE, THE VIEW.
CHECK THAT OUT.
I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR,
-MR. HOROWITZ.
-Horowitz: YES, DR. HOROWITZ.
Amir: DR. HOROWITZ.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
Horowitz:
I'M A DENTIST FROM RESEDA.
-Amir: YOU'RE A DENTIST?
-Horowitz: YES.
Jota: AND I'M THE HYGIENIST.
Amir: OH, OKAY.
I WANT TO PUT YOU
IN THIS HOUSE TODAY.
SO YOU TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO
TO GET THIS DEAL DONE.
Horowitz: WELL, WE JUST HAVE
TO LOOK OVER A FEW THINGS.
-Amir: YEAH.
-Horowitz: AND --
Jota: [ SPEAKS SPANISH ]
Horowitz:
YES, DO YOU HAVE TUNNEL SPACE?
LET ME MAKE SOME TUNNELS?
Amir: LIKE, YOU WANT TO DO
LIKE A WINE CELLAR TYPE THING?
Horowitz: I'D LIKE TO GO
FROM MY HOT TUB TO THE CAR
WITHOUT GOING THROUGH THE HOUSE.
Amir: THERE'S
A TOTALLY FINISHED BASEMENT,
THERE'S LIKE A WINE CELLAR AREA.
-Jota: Sí.
-Horowitz: SPEAKING OF WINES,
IS THIS TILE GOOD
TO WASH RED -- BLOOD WINE.
Jota:
WE SPILL LOTS OF WINES, SO...
Amir:
OH, YOU SPILL LOTS OF WINE?
WELL, GRANITE IS ACTUALLY KNOWN
FOR NOT BEING POROUS AT ALL,
SO IT'S REALLY EASY TO CLEAN.
NO ONE'S GONNA KNOW THAT
ANY WINE WAS SPILLED, TRUST ME.
-Jota: OKAY.
-Horowitz: VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.
Amir: YEAH,
CAN I ASK A PERSONAL QUESTION?
WHAT'S WITH THE GUNS?
YOU GUYS ARE...
Horowitz: OH, YEAH. UH,
MY OFFICE IS NEXT TO
PLANNED PARENTHOOD.
Amir: OH.
Horowitz: AND SO WE
HAVE TO HAVE PROTECTIONS.
Amir: I GET IT. IT'S TOUGH TIMES
TO BE A DENTIST.
TIME TO DRILL THIS DEAL HOME.
GET IT?
DRILL -- THAT WAS A DENTAL PUN.
SO, LISTEN, $10 MILLION HOUSE.
IN THIS MARKET,
THAT'S A GREAT RATE.
ALL YOU GOT TO DO
IS PUT 20% DOWN.
-I GOT A GREAT GUY.
-Horowitz: SO $200,000?
-Amir: IT'S ACTUALLY $2 MILLION.
-Jota: MUCHACHOS!
-Horowitz: iVAMOS, VAMOS!
-Amir: WOW.
OKAY,
ARE THESE GUYS ALSO DENTISTS?
Jota: THEY ARE SOME HYGIENISTS.
Horowitz: THESE GUYS
WORK IN THE OFFICE WITH ME.
-SO HERE'S THE MONEY.
-Jota: OH!
-Horowitz: OH, EXCUSE THAT.
-Jota: OOPS!
-OUR TOOLS.
-Horowitz: THAT'S TOOLS.
THAT'S PART OF THE...
TO GET THE WHITENING.
-Amir: THAT WAS AN UZI.
-Horowitz: $2 MILLION?
-Jota: $2 MILLIONS.
-Horowitz: TAKE THE CASES.
Amir: ALL RIGHT!
JUST LOOKING AT THOSE CASES
MAKES MY NIPPLES HARD.
Amir: UH, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO GIVE IT TO THE BANK.
BUT, YEAH, I CAN --
I CAN DO THIS.
Horowitz: HERE YOU GO.
PUT THIS IN THERE.
-Amir: IS THAT LIKE A GIFT OR...
-Horowitz: WELL,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT
TO TAKE CARE OF THIS MONEY.
Amir: THAT'S HOT.
WHY IS THIS SO HOT?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET INSIDE.
YOU GUYS PRACTICE
IN THE VALLEY OR...
Horowitz: IS THIS COCA LEAVES?
Amir: NO, IT'S --
IT'S A PALM TREE.
Horowitz: IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
Amir: I'M REALLY
STARTING TO WONDER
IF THIS GUY'S EVEN JEWISH.
♪♪
Chelsea: DEAN SHOULD MAKE ME
PARTNER BECAUSE I'M RESOURCEFUL.
I FOUND MY NEW CLIENT, ART,
ON A DIVORCED MEN'S
REDDIT THREAD.
NOT BAD FOR $11 MILLION, RIGHT?
-Art: WOW, THIS IS FANTASTIC!
-Chelsea: YEAH.
Art: THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS THINKING.
Chelsea:
ART'S WIFE OF 20 YEARS JUST
LEFT HIM LAST WEEK,
SO HE'S LOOKING FOR A NEW HOME.
POOR ART. POOR SAD,
WEALTHY, IMPULSIVE ART.
-Art: NEW HORIZONS!
-Chelsea: YES, INDEED.
-Art: NEW VISTAS.
-Chelsea: UH-HUH.
Art: HEY, L.A.,
I'M READY TO MINGLE!
Chelsea: THERE YOU GO!
Art:
I'M GLAD WE COULDN'T HAVE KIDS.
NOW THAT I'M HERE,
I'M GLAD ABOUT THAT.
Chelsea: WE'VE GOT
THIS CUSTOM GARAGE DOOR.
Art: THAT IS REALLY NICE.
I MEAN, IT'S A LOT BETTER
THAN SLEEPING
IN THE GARAGE, WHICH I'VE DONE.
BUT THIS IS -- THIS IS NICE.
IT'S SLEEK, IT'S MODERN.
I MEAN, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF...
PLACES TO GET NASTY ON.
Chelsea: YOU CAN HAVE A SEAT.
YOU CAN TRY OUT SOME OF THESE...
-Art: SURE.
-Chelsea: ...NASTY SPOTS.
Art: LET ME GIVE THIS A TRY.
AH, YEAH! THIS IS NICE.
Chelsea: LET ME TAKE
A PICTURE OF THIS, MAN.
Art: OKAY. OH, DO, YEAH,
THAT WILL BE GREAT!
-BYE, DEBBIE.
-Chelsea: ONE, TWO, THREE.
-Art: BYE, DEBBIE.
-Chelsea: THERE WE GO.
Art: BYE, DEBBIE.
-Chelsea: ARE YOU CRYING?
-Art: NO, NO, NO!
Chelsea: LOOK AT THIS SKYLIGHT.
EVERY DAY,
THE DAWN WILL GREET YOU.
Art: YEAH.
DEBBIE WOULD HATE THAT.
SHE LIKES TO SLEEP IN A TOMB.
Chelsea:
SHE SOUNDS LIKE A CORPSE.
Art: HA.
NO, SHE'S A VERY LIVELY PERSON.
IT'S...
IT'S OUR MARRIAGE THAT'S DEAD.
[ CRYING ]
Chelsea: HEY.
Art:
LET'S CHECK OUT THE SHITTER.
NICE THAT YOU TOUCHED ME.
♪♪
Glenn: DEAN GAVE ME AN ORDER
TO SPY ON THE BROKERS,
AND I'VE BEEN DOING MY BEST
TO COMPLETE HIS MISSION.
Dean: GLENN, I NEED YOU TO BE
MY EYES AND EARS AMONG THEM.
Glenn:
DEAN, THE BROKERS IN THE OFFICE
HAVE BEEN TREATING ME
PRETTY POORLY LATELY.
-Dean: IS THAT SO?
-Glenn: YEAH.
Dean: GIVE ME THREE EXAMPLES.
Glenn:
VICTORIA GRABBED MY SCROTUM
AND SHOVED ME AGAINST THE WALL.
Dean: YOU NEVER SAID,
"I'M TOO FAR FROM THE WALL.
GET ME THERE AS QUICKLY
AS POSSIBLE"?
Glenn: NO.
Dean: NO WORDS THAT COULD
BE INTERPRETED THAT WAY?
-Glenn: NO, I --
-Dean: EXAMPLE NUMBER TWO.
Glenn: VICTORIA CALLED ME BEN,
AND THEN SHE GRABBED MY SCROTUM
AND SHOVED ME AGAINST THE WALL.
Dean: NOW, THIS IS THE SECOND
TIME INVOLVING VICTORIA?
Glenn: YES.
Dean: SECOND TIME
INVOLVING A SCROTAL GRAB.
Glenn: WELL, THOSE ARE THE ONES
THAT POP INTO MY HEAD
-IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE --
-Dean: IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
Glenn: YEAH,
IT'S A VISCERAL EXPERIENCE.
-Dean: THIRD EXAMPLE?
-Glenn: IF I COULD
CLUMP THEM ALL TOGETHER
AT SOME POINT,
EVERYONE HAS CALLED ME
A DIRTY NAME
OR ROLLED THEIR EYES
EXTREMELY AT ME.
Dean: GIVE ME FOUR EXAMPLES
OF DIRTY NAMES.
Glenn: PISS-BOMB, SLOP-EATER,
LITTLE PIG BOY,
ASS-TO-MOUTH PRINCE.
Dean: THERE IS THE SUGGESTION
OF NOBILITY.
THEY'RE NOT CALLING YOU
ASS-TO-MOUTH PAUPER.
Glenn: THEY DON'T RESPECT ME.
AND I WANT TO LET THEM KNOW
THAT I HAVE A CERTAIN POWER
OVER THEM, BUT I CANNOT.
Dean: GLENN,
YOUR MISSION IS VERY CLEAR.
WHAT YOU WANT IS TO GET TO
THE POINT WHERE THEY'RE SAYING
TO YOUR FACE,
"YOU'RE A SPINELESS COWARD
AND WE CAN SAY
WHATEVER WE WANT TO YOU."
Glenn: WELL, THEY SAY, YOU KNOW,
"GLENN, WHEN YOUR LUNCH BREAK
IS COMING UP,
YOU SHOULD GO TO THE POTTY
BECAUSE
THAT'S WHERE YOUR LUNCH IS.
WE'VE LEFT YOUR LUNCH
IN THE POTTY."
Dean:
IS POTTY SLANG FOR BATHROOM?
Glenn: YES, IT'S A TOILET.
-Dean: TOILET.
-Glenn: THAT'S THEIR THING,
IS THAT I EAT
AND DRINK OUT OF THE TOILET.
Dean: YOU UNDERSTAND,
I HAVE TO ASK YOU, IS THAT TRUE?
Glenn: NO, I'VE NEVER EATEN
OUT OF THE TOILET.
Dean: ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
Glenn: ONE TIME,
I WASHED MY HANDS IN THE TOILET
BECAUSE THE WATER
WAS BROKEN IN MY APARTMENT.
Dean: WELL, NEEDS
MUST AS THE DEVIL DRIVES.
I'VE PUT MY HANDS
IN WORSE PLACES.
-Glenn: SUCH AS?
-Dean: I'VE HAD MY HANDS
INSIDE A HUMAN BODY.
-VERY UNPLEASANT THING.
-Glenn: IT WASN'T FOR PLEASURE?
Dean: THERE WERE
PLEASURABLE ASPECTS TO IT,
BUT IT WASN'T MY MOTIVATION.
MY MOTIVATION WAS TO KEEP
A MAN ALIVE, AND I FAILED.
Glenn: I'M SO SORRY, DEAN.
Dean: NO, DON'T BE.
I ABSORBED HIS SPIRIT.
NOW, THESE HIDEOUS THINGS
THEY SAY TO YOU,
AS HORRIBLE OR ACCURATE
AS THEY MAY BE, YOU USE IT,
AND YOU SAY, "OH, YOU CALL ME
ASS-TO-MOUTH PRINCE,
I WILL KEEP A SPECIAL EYE
ON YOU FOR DEAN."
FEEL ALL OF THE HATRED THAT
THEY ARE DIRECTING YOUR WAY.
-FEEL IT IN YOUR SOUL.
-Glenn: I DO. IT HURTS A LOT.
Dean: PERFECT.
-YOU BE THAT SLOP-EATER.
-Glenn: YES.
Dean: YOU BE
THAT LITTLE PIGGY BOY.
-Glenn: I'M A PIGGY BOY.
-Dean: YOU'RE A POTTY EATER.
Glenn: I'M YOUR LITTLE
SECRET POTTY EATER.
Dean: YOU ARE THE POTTY EATER.
Glenn: OKAY,
I CAN DO THIS FOR YOU, DEAN.
I'M GOING TO
BRING MY MEALS FROM HOME,
AND I WILL PUT THEM
IN THE POTTY, AND I'LL EAT THEM.
Dean: BUT I DON'T THINK
IT WOULD BE GOOD
FOR THE REST OF THE OFFICE
TO SEE YOU
LITERALLY
EATING OUT OF THE TOILET.
Glenn: I'LL CLOSE THE STALL.
THEY WON'T HAVE TO SEE IT.
Dean:
WILL YOU MAKE EATING SOUNDS?
-Glenn: IT COULD BE RAMEN.
-Dean: RAMEN, I THINK,
MIGHT BE THE WORST CHOICE
YOU COULD MAKE.
Glenn: I GET A BUTANE TORCH, AND
I'LL HEAT UP THE POTTY RAMEN.
Dean: GLENN, I'M GOING TO
ASK YOU NOT TO EAT
OUT OF THE TOILET.
Glenn: I WASN'T REALLY GOING
TO EAT OUT OF THE TOILET.
♪♪
Andrew: SO, WE GOT AN ANGRY CALL
FROM A CLIENT,
AND VICTORIA IS TO BLAME.
Baxter:
YEAH, WELL, VICTORIA FUCKED US!
Andrew: YEAH, SHE FUCKED US, BUT
NOT IN A GOOD WAY, OVER A DEAL.
-Baxter: WE ASK ONE THING.
-Andrew: ONE THING.
Baxter: AND SHE BUILDS CONDOS
ON THE LOT.
Andrew:
YOU CAN'T LIE TO US LIKE THAT.
Baxter: KIM SAID
SHE WANTED THE HOUSE INTACT.
Andrew: THE FAMILY
SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED IT.
IT WAS PART OF THE SALE.
Baxter:
NOW WE LOOK LIKE ASSHOLES.
Andrew: THIS IS HUGE FALLOUT.
-Baxter: LET'S TALK TO HER.
-Victoria: IT'S JUST CONDOS.
-GET OVER IT!
-Baxter: OH, MY GOSH!
Andrew:
OH, MY GOD. JUST CONDOS?!
WE AGREED IT WOULDN'T BE.
Baxter: WE HAD LUNCH.
YOU SIGNED AN AGREEMENT
THAT NOTHING WOULD BE
BUILT ON THAT LOT.
Victoria: THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
Andrew: IT COUNTS.
IT'LL COUNT IN COURT.
Victoria:
OH, I'M SO THREATENED. COME ON.
Baxter: WHAT DO YOU
THINK AGREEMENTS ARE?
Victoria: IT'S JUST CONDOS.
TELL HER TO GET OVER IT.
Baxter:
SHE CALLED US, CRYING, OKAY?
SHE'S NOT GETTING OVER IT,
ALL RIGHT?
Victoria: WHEN SHE WAS CRYING,
DID IT SOUND LIKE THIS...
[ CRYING ]
Chelsea: OW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Baxter: YOU DID NOT!
IT'S STILL SO FUNNY.
-YEAH, IT SOUNDED LIKE...
-Victoria: IT SOUNDED LIKE THAT?
Baxter:
AND I WAS LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?"
AND I PULLED OFF HER MASK,
IT WAS CHELSEA.
-Victoria: IT WAS.
-Andrew: LET'S GO.
COME ON, BAXTER.
IT'S STILL NOT FUNNY.
FOCUS, BAXTER. BAXTER!
CONDOS.
-Baxter: OH, MY GOSH!
-Andrew: GAME'S OVER.
Baxter: THAT'S FUNNY. "OW!"
I'M CHELSEA.
Victoria:
DO YOU WANT A SNICKERS?
-Andrew: SURE.
-Baxter: DO YOU HAVE SNICKERS?
-Victoria: YEAH, COME IN.
-Baxter: OH, MY GOSH, YES.
Andrew: LIKE, BAX, WE DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW.
Baxter: OH, MY GOSH.
THAT IS SO...
-Victoria: RIGHT?
-Baxter: ...SO FUNNY.
Victoria: THAT HAD TO BE
THE WORST MOMENT OF HER LIFE.
Baxter:
I KNOW, SHE'S HUMILIATED.
Andrew: CALL BAXTER.
Baxter: HOLD ON. Hello?
-Andrew: BAXY PADS.
-BAXTER: What's up, dude?
Andrew: UM, CAN YOU LET ME IN?
VICTORIA: Hey, Baxter, Baxter.
-Oh!
-BAXTER: Oh!
[ Laughter ]
OH, THAT WAS GOOD.
THAT WAS, "OW!"
Victoria: IT'S LIKE, EVERY TIME.
♪♪
Chelsea: SO, ART, WE'VE GOT
A LOT OF INDUSTRIAL ELEMENTS
TO HELP YOU REALLY
TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE.
Chelsea:
IN A FORCEFUL WAY, RIGHT?
I AM THIS CLOSE
TO MAKING THE SALE.
IF ART CAN JUST SUCK IT UP
AND BE A MAN LONG ENOUGH
TO SIGN THE PAPERWORK.
-LOOK AT THIS EXPANSIVE CEILING.
-Art: OH!
Chelsea:
HOW DO YOU FEEL IN HERE?
Art: I FEEL LIKE THE SKY'S
THE LIMIT. I REALLY DO.
Chelsea: YEAH. THAT'S IT.
-Art: OH, THESE ARE NICE.
-Chelsea: YEAH.
Art: ARE THEY LIKE SOME KIND
OF SEX CHAIR THING, 'CAUSE,
I MEAN, THIS PLACE
REALLY SEEMS LIKE A FUCK PAD.
Chelsea: THEY COULD BE
ANYTHING YOU WANT, MAN.
Art: ARE THERE INSTRUCTIONS
THAT THEY COME WITH?
-Chelsea: NO, I --
-Art: 'CAUSE I WOULDN'T KNOW
HOW TO FIGURE THIS OUT.
AND I'VE PROBABLY HAVE TO, LIKE,
PUT A SAW HORSE
UNDER THEM OR SOMETHING.
Chelsea: SO WE GOT A LOT
OF DIFFERENT AREAS
-FOR ENTERTAINING.
-Art: YEAH.
Chelsea:
BREAKFAST NOOK, FULL KITCHEN.
Art: DEBBIE LOVED TO COOK.
Chelsea:
WHAT DOES ART LIKE TO COOK?
Art: WHATEVER DEBBIE DECIDES.
Chelsea: IF ART
KEEPS LOSING HIS SHIT,
I'M GONNA LOSE THIS COMMISSION.
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO
BUILD HIM UP!
ART, NO --
ART, DON'T YOU DARE LAY DOWN.
ART, GET OFF THAT COUCH.
Art: I DON'T WANT
TO GET OFF THIS COUCH.
Chelsea: ART,
THAT LOOKS LIKE A BABY BED.
-Art: NO!
-Chelsea: GET UP.
Art: THIS IS THE ONLY PIECE
OF FURNITURE
THAT'S AN ACTUAL PIECE
OF FURNITURE IN THE WHOLE PLACE.
Chelsea: ART, YOU DON'T NEED
FURNITURE 'CAUSE YOU'RE A GOD.
YOU SIT ON GODDAMN CLOUDS!
-SIT ON THIS CLOUD.
-Art: I DON'T SIT ON CLOUDS.
-Chelsea: SIT ON THIS CLOUD!
-Art: I WANT TO TALK TO DEBBIE!
Chelsea: ART, YOU BETTER NOT!
THIS KITTY CAT
REPRESENTS THE NEW YOU.
HE'S FIERCE, HE'S --
HE'S ON THE PROWL,
BUT HE'S NOT TOO THREATENING.
HE'S GOT HIS MOUTH OPEN.
IS IT A SMILE, IS IT A GROWL?
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW,
HOT DENNY'S WAITRESS.
Art: OH. I'M NO CHROME KITTY.
-I'M NO CHROME KITTY.
-Chelsea: YOU'RE A CHROME KITTY!
-Art: I'M NOT.
-Chelsea: YOU ARE.
AND THIS IS DEBBIE,
SHE'S AN OLD, SAD SKULL.
-Art: GIVE ME DEBBIE.
-Chelsea: I DON'T HAVE ANY SKIN.
Art: GIVE ME DEBBIE.
IT FEELS LIKE DEBBIE.
DEBBIE HAS A VERY LARGE HEAD,
VERY THIN HAIR.
THIS IS VERY SIMILAR.
-I'M GONNA CALL HER.
-Chelsea: DON'T YOU DARE!
Art: I AM GONNA CALL DEBBIE NOW.
-Chelsea: GIVE ME THIS!
-Art: DEBBIE? DEBBIE?!
-Chelsea: I'LL TAKE IT. DEBBIE?!
-DEBBIE: Hello?
-Chelsea: DEBBIE, HI.
-DEBBIE: Who is this?
-Art?
-Chelsea: THIS IS CHELSEA.
-I AM ART'S REALTOR.
-Debbie: REALTOR?
Chelsea:
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M HELPING --
DEBBIE: What's going on here?
Put Art on the phone.
Chelsea:
YEAH, YOU CAN TALK TO HIM.
Art: HEY, DEBBIE, IT'S ME.
DEBBIE:
Art, are you buying property?
Art:
YES! I'M LOOKING FOR A HOUSE.
DEBBIE: Why on earth
are you buying a house?
Art:
BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME, DEBBIE!
Art: YOU WENT TO LIVE
WITH YOUR SISTER?
DEBBIE: Live with my sister?
-Are you insane?
-Art: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DEBBIE: I told you last month
I was going to visit her.
You thought I was divorcing you?
Art: NO,
I DIDN'T REMEMBER YOU SAID IT.
DEBBIE:
Don't be ridiculous, Art!
Art: YOU WERE GONNA GO SEE HER.
DEBBIE: Oh, my God,
this is so typical.
♪♪
Amir: TECHNICALLY, DR. HOROWITZ
SHOULDN'T BE MOVING
INTO THE HOUSE BEFORE ESCROW.
BUT WHEN SOMEONE
HANDS ME $2 MILLION,
THEY CAN MOVE INTO MY BUTT
AND USE MY MOUTH
AS A GUEST HOUSE.
SO, HERE IS THE FULLY DRAFTED
CONTRACT, DR. HOROWITZ, AND I --
I GOT EVERYTHING IN HERE
THAT YOU ASKED FOR. I GOT THE --
Trent: WHAT THE HELL IS -- WAIT!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
-WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
-Amir: HEY, HEY, HEY!
-DOCTOR, NO! DOCTOR!
-Trent: NO!
-Trent: I'M THE LISTING AGENT!
-Amir: iESTA BIEN! iESTA BIEN!
ESTA BIEN.
-Horowitz: OKAY.
-Amir: LISTEN!
Trent: EVERYONE, CHILL.
EVERYONE CHILL THE FUCK OUT!
Amir: TRENT
LIKES TO FOLLOW THE RULES.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
HE'S GONNA HANDLE DR. HOROWITZ.
Trent: CAN I ASK
WHAT YOU'RE A DOCTOR IN?
Horowitz: I'M A DENTIST...
IN RESEDA.
Jota: AND WE'RE HIS HYGIENISTS.
Horowitz: ARE WE GOING TO
BUY THIS HOME TODAY?
Trent: WELL, I DON'T KNOW
THAT WE CAN DO THAT, OKAY?
SIR, YOU BROKE IN HERE
AND YOUR HYGIENISTS HAVE GUNS.
Horowitz: PIN HIM DOWN
BY HIS SHOULDERS!
Trent: NO, NO!
Horowitz: YOU SAY THIS PLACE
IS IN ESCROW?
Trent:
WELL, IT -- IT HAS TO BE.
Horowitz: I'M GONNA ESCROW
YOUR TEETH OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!
Trent: OH, NO, NO!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
-Horowitz: DO WE HAVE A DEAL?!
-Trent: BLACK AND BROWN!
BLACK AND BROWN!
COME ON, WE CAN UNITE.
Horowitz: OKAY.
WE DON'T NEED TO HURT YOU.
-Trent: YEAH.
-Horowitz: BECAUSE WE KIDNAPPED
YOUR WIFE
AND WE'RE PREPARED TO KILL HER.
Trent: WAIT, WHAT?!
NO, YOU DIDN'T!
Amir: SHE DID NOTHING WRONG!
Trent: NO! NO! NO, NINA!
THAT'S MY BEAUTIFUL WHITE WIFE!
NO, PLEASE!
Amir: SO, IT TURNS OUT
THAT KIDNAPPING
IS A SUPER-EFFECTIVE WAY
TO CLOSE A DEAL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THIS!
Trent: I'VE SOLD OUT
MY BLACK COMMUNITY
FOR A LONG TIME
TO GET THAT WHITE WIFE.
PLEASE, PLEASE
DON'T DO ANYTHING.
Horowitz:
EVERYBODY IS INDIVIDUAL.
YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD NOT BE
TAKEN DOWN BY OUR OWN HERITAGE.
Trent: I KNOW, BUT MY RACE
IS REALLY TOUGH ON US.
Horowitz: AND ME, I'M MEXICAN.
Amir: YEAH, I'M LIKE,
IRANIAN, GUYS.
Trent: OH, I'VE ALWAYS
WONDERED WHAT YOU ARE.
Amir: MY FAMILY IS FROM IRAN.
Jota:
I THOUGHT YOU WERE PERSIAN.
Amir: WELL,
THE EMPIRE WAS PERSIAN, BUT --
Horowitz: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS,
MAN, ISIS?
Jota: HOLD IT, YOU'RE ISIS?!
-Amir: NO, NO!
-Jota: TALIBAN!
-Trent: ISIS!
-Amir: I AM NOT ISIS OR TALIBAN!
-Jota: ISIL!
-Amir: NO! iESTA BIEN!
OFF! ALLAHU AKBAR!
ALLAHU! ALLAHU AKBAR!
ALLAHU AKBAR!
OKAY, I DON'T LIKE
TO PULL THAT MOVE TOO OFTEN,
BUT SOMETIMES IT COMES IN HANDY.
♪♪
Baxter: DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES
DURING SEX?
Victoria: I MEAN, IT DEPENDS ON
WHO I'M HAVING SEX WITH.
-IF HE'S UGLY. DO YOU?
-Baxter: THAT MAKES SENSE.
Victoria: WELL, I GUESS
YOU'RE GETTING IT FROM THE BACK,
SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK.
BAXTER AND I
HAVE BASICALLY BECOME BESTIES
SINCE WE WITNESSED THE CHELSEA.
Andrew:
VICTORIA CAN HAVE BAXTER!
THAT'S FINE.
I DON'T NEED HIM ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I GOT A NEW BROTHER
FROM ANOTHER MOTHER!
-Glenn: WHAT UP, MY HOMEYS?
-Andrew: OW!
POP IT!
NO, UH, SLAP IT.
-ON THE TOP.
-Glenn: HUH?
-Victoria: SHORTENED BANGS.
-Baxter: REALLY?
Andrew: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I INTRODUCE TO YOU
THE PICKLE BROS.
Baxter:
THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR HAT SAYS.
YOU JUST SAID THE PICKLE BROS.
Victoria: YOUR HAT
SAYS PICKLE JUICE BROS.
Andrew: IT'S THE SAME --
YEAH, IT'S THE SAME THING.
-IT A SHORTER WAY TO SAY --
-Victoria: WELL,
NO, THERE'S PICKLES
AND THEN THERE'S PICKLE JUICE.
Andrew: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I INTRODUCE TO YOU
-THE PICKLE JUICE BROS.
-Victoria: NO.
Glenn:
WE'RE THE PICKLE JUICE BROS.
-Andrew: YEAH.
-Baxter: AND?
Andrew:
TELL THEM THE STORY, GLENN.
GO AHEAD, THIS IS HILARIOUS.
GET READY, SIT BACK,
BE OUR AUDIENCE.
Glenn: WE WENT TO THE FRIDGE,
AND THERE WAS A JAR OF PICKLES
WITH NO PICKLES IN IT.
-IT WAS JUST THE JUICE.
-Andrew: JESUS CHRIST, GLENN.
-Glenn: WHAT? WHAT?
-Andrew: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Victoria:
IS THAT THE WHOLE STORY?
Andrew: NO, IT'S NOT
THE WHOLE STORY -- RELAX.
-Glenn: OH, I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
-Andrew: NO.
Glenn:
WE WERE HUNGRY FOR PICKLES.
AND THERE WERE
NO PICKLES IN THE JAR.
-IT WAS JUST THE JUICE.
-Victoria: WHY IS THIS FUNNY?
Andrew: FIRST OF ALL --
OKAY, YOU GUYS ASKED US.
WE HAPPEN TO BE
HANGING OUT HERE.
-SO MAYBE YOU NEED TO --
-Victoria: NO, NO, NO,
YOU PARADED IN HERE
WITH YOUR HATS.
-Andrew: PARADED? THAT'S RACIST.
-Victoria: YEAH.
Andrew:
LISTEN, IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS
WHERE YOU HAD TO BE THERE,
YOU KNOW?
YOU HAD TO BE IN THE SITUATION.
-Victoria: THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
-Baxter: YEAH.
THIS IS LIKE SEEING
YOUR DAD ON TINDER.
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW WE MATCH,
BUT WE DID.
Andrew: TELL ME
WHAT HAPPENED WITH CHELSEA.
Victoria: WE TOLD YOU
WHAT HAPPENED WITH CHELSEA.
Andrew: LET ME
INTO THE CHELSEA GROUP.
Baxter: IT WAS THIS. "OW!"
Andrew: YEAH, I KNOW,
AND IT'S HILARIOUS --
IT'S HILARIOUS,
BUT SOMEHOW I DON'T --
-Victoria: IT'S HILARIOUS.
-Andrew: YOU CAN --
YOU CAN LEAVE.
UH, LIKE, IS IT CAUGHT
ON HER HAIR, OR --
-Victoria: I JUST FEEL LIKE --
-Andrew: 'CAUSE I CAN DO IT.
Victoria: I FEEL LIKE
WE'VE ATTEMPTED SO MANY TIMES
TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
Andrew: I KNOW, BUT --
Victoria: AND YOU DON'T GET IT.
Baxter: SHE JUST WENT "OW!"
IT WAS LIKE A HAND MOTION.
-Victoria: YEAH, YEAH.
-Andrew: WHO WAS SHE CALLING?
Victoria: I'M SORRY,
NO, YOU'RE NOT IN THE GROUP.
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE.
AND I'M SORRY.
YOU HAD TO BE THERE.
MAYBE NEXT TIME
YOU SHOULD BE THERE
WHEN THE EMBARRASSING
THING HAPPENS.
Andrew: I JUST THINK
IT'S STUPID, THOUGH,
BECAUSE IT'S SUCH
AN EASY THING TO DESCRIBE.
-OH.
-Victoria: I'M CHOKING.
-Andrew: YOU LOOK LIKE --
-Victoria: I'M CHOKING.
Baxter: SHE'S CHOKING. OH!
-OH, MY GOD!
-Andrew: FEED ME, MOMMY.
-ARF!
-Victoria: OH, MY GOD!
Andrew: WERE YOU
JUST FEEDING BABY BIRDS?
-Victoria: NO, I --
-Baxter: YEAH,
IT WAS LIKE, "MAMA'S HERE!"
Victoria: HEY, YOU GUYS,
I ALMOST JUST DIED!
I ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH!
Baxter: UH-OH, UH-OH!
Victoria: ALL RIGHT!
WOULD YOU GUYS HAVE THOUGHT
IT WAS SO FUNNY IF I DIED?
Glenn:
WE WOULD HAVE SHARED THAT.
Andrew: IMAGINE THAT!
THAT WAS VERY, VERY
STUPID LOOKING.
-Baxter: THAT WAS SO FUNNY.
-Victoria: OKAY, VERY FUNNY.
-Glenn: THAT WAS GREAT.
-Victoria: HEY, BAXTER?
REMEMBER THE...
Baxter: THAT'S OLD.
DON'T DO OLD JOKES.
Andrew: PICKLE BROS. CLEAN UP.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS EVER
HANGING OUT WITH HER.
THAT WAS CLOSE.
SHE SUCKS!
-WE'RE BACK.
-Andrew: WE'RE BACK.
Glenn:
SOMEONE MADE QUITE A MESS.
Victoria: YOU NEED TO FUCK OFF.
NOW.
NO! ALL THE WAY.
-Glenn: I'M FUCKING OFF.
-Victoria: NO.
AND TAKE OFF THAT STUPID HAT!
I CAN STILL SEE YOU.
-GET OUT NOW!
-Glenn: I'M FUCKED OFF.
Victoria: NO! THAT'S IT!
GO! COME HERE! COME HERE!
COME HERE!
♪♪
Horowitz: SORRY
ABOUT THE MIX-UP EARLIER.
I WAS -- I WAS NOT AWARE
THAT THERE WERE TWO AGENTS
-INVOLVED IN BUYING A HOUSE.
-Amir: THAT'S TOTALLY FINE.
I'M SORRY I PRETENDED TO BE
A SUICIDE BOMBER.
Horowitz: WELL, YOU HAD TO DO
WHAT YOU HAD TO DO, EH?
Amir: ACTUALLY, IF YOU CAN
PUT A REVIEW ON MY YELP PAGE.
Horowitz: ABSOLUTELY.
WE WILL ALL DO THAT.
-Jota: YEAH, WE CAN.
-Amir: YEAH, IF ALL FOUR OF YOU
CAN DO THAT,
THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.
[ SIREN WAILING ]
[ GUNFIRE ]
AGGRESSIVELY IGNORING BAXTER,
AS USUAL.
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I HEAR CHELSEA
START FIDGETING IN THE KITCHEN.
Chelsea: OH.
UGH!
Baxter:
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!
THIS LOOKS LIKE
IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.
♪♪
Chelsea: OH, OW!
[ LAUGHTER ]
Victoria:
OKAY, WHO AM I, WHO AM I?
"OH! OH!"
Baxter: "OW!"
Victoria: THAT WAS
THE FUNNIEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN, AND I'VE SEEN
EVERY ADAM SANDLER FILM --
EVEN THE ONES ON NETFLIX.
Baxter: "AAH!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
Baxter: IT'S...
WHO AM I, WHO AM I, WHO AM I?
"OH!"
Andrew: BAXTER
LAUGHING WITH VICTORIA?
BUT WE HATE VICTORIA.
DO I WANT THAT LAUGHTER
WITH HIM?
YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
I'M NOT JEALOUS OF IT,
I JUST WANT TO BE
IN HER PLACE,
AND IT'S KILLING ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
-Baxter: SHE'S SO STUPID.
-Andrew: WHAT DID SHE --
WHAT DID SHE DO?
-Baxter: YOU JUST MISSED IT.
-Andrew: WHAT DID SHE DO?
Baxter:
CHELSEA DID THE DUMBEST THING.
Chelsea: OW!
Victoria:
MOVE OVER, GRUMPY CAT,
'CAUSE HERE COMES THE CHELSEA.
OH. OH!
Baxter: "OH!"
Chelsea: OH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
Victoria:
THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED.
Baxter: HER EARRING, IT'S...
Andrew: HER EARRING IS STUPID?
-Victoria: NO!
-Baxter: NO! NO!
-Victoria:
WE'RE TELLING THE STORY.
-Baxter: IT GOT CAUGHT.
-Victoria: YEAH.
-Baxter: OH, OW!
Andrew: OH.
[ LAUGHTER STOPS ABRUPTLY ]
-Victoria: HEY, CHELSEA.
-Andrew: HEY.
Chelsea: YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Victoria: THAT WAS HER!
Baxter: THAT WAS HER,
LIKE TWO MINUTES AFTER.
Victoria: SORRY, ANDREW.
GUESS YOU CAN'T
SHARE EVERYTHING WITH BAXTER.
HEY, ANDREW,
CAN YOU GET ME SOME COFFEE?
Andrew: YEAH.
Victoria: MAKE SURE NOT TO "OW!"
-Baxter: YOU'RE REALLY GOOD.
-Victoria: THANK YOU.
IT'S UNCANNY.
♪♪
Amir: I'M GONNA SHOW
A NEW CLIENT, MR. HOROWITZ,
A HOUSE
IN THE PACIFIC PALISADES.
THAT'S RIGHT, HOROWITZ.
YEAH, THIS GUY'S GOT MONEY.
WHAT, I CAN SAY THAT --
I'M JEWISH.
MY FAVORITE PART
OF THE HOUSE, THE VIEW.
CHECK THAT OUT.
I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR,
-MR. HOROWITZ.
-Horowitz: YES, DR. HOROWITZ.
Amir: DR. HOROWITZ.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
Horowitz:
I'M A DENTIST FROM RESEDA.
-Amir: YOU'RE A DENTIST?
-Horowitz: YES.
Jota: AND I'M THE HYGIENIST.
Amir: OH, OKAY.
I WANT TO PUT YOU
IN THIS HOUSE TODAY.
SO YOU TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO
TO GET THIS DEAL DONE.
Horowitz: WELL, WE JUST HAVE
TO LOOK OVER A FEW THINGS.
-Amir: YEAH.
-Horowitz: AND --
Jota: [ SPEAKS SPANISH ]
Horowitz:
YES, DO YOU HAVE TUNNEL SPACE?
LET ME MAKE SOME TUNNELS?
Amir: LIKE, YOU WANT TO DO
LIKE A WINE CELLAR TYPE THING?
Horowitz: I'D LIKE TO GO
FROM MY HOT TUB TO THE CAR
WITHOUT GOING THROUGH THE HOUSE.
Amir: THERE'S
A TOTALLY FINISHED BASEMENT,
THERE'S LIKE A WINE CELLAR AREA.
-Jota: Sí.
-Horowitz: SPEAKING OF WINES,
IS THIS TILE GOOD
TO WASH RED -- BLOOD WINE.
Jota:
WE SPILL LOTS OF WINES, SO...
Amir:
OH, YOU SPILL LOTS OF WINE?
WELL, GRANITE IS ACTUALLY KNOWN
FOR NOT BEING POROUS AT ALL,
SO IT'S REALLY EASY TO CLEAN.
NO ONE'S GONNA KNOW THAT
ANY WINE WAS SPILLED, TRUST ME.
-Jota: OKAY.
-Horowitz: VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.
Amir: YEAH,
CAN I ASK A PERSONAL QUESTION?
WHAT'S WITH THE GUNS?
YOU GUYS ARE...
Horowitz: OH, YEAH. UH,
MY OFFICE IS NEXT TO
PLANNED PARENTHOOD.
Amir: OH.
Horowitz: AND SO WE
HAVE TO HAVE PROTECTIONS.
Amir: I GET IT. IT'S TOUGH TIMES
TO BE A DENTIST.
TIME TO DRILL THIS DEAL HOME.
GET IT?
DRILL -- THAT WAS A DENTAL PUN.
SO, LISTEN, $10 MILLION HOUSE.
IN THIS MARKET,
THAT'S A GREAT RATE.
ALL YOU GOT TO DO
IS PUT 20% DOWN.
-I GOT A GREAT GUY.
-Horowitz: SO $200,000?
-Amir: IT'S ACTUALLY $2 MILLION.
-Jota: MUCHACHOS!
-Horowitz: iVAMOS, VAMOS!
-Amir: WOW.
OKAY,
ARE THESE GUYS ALSO DENTISTS?
Jota: THEY ARE SOME HYGIENISTS.
Horowitz: THESE GUYS
WORK IN THE OFFICE WITH ME.
-SO HERE'S THE MONEY.
-Jota: OH!
-Horowitz: OH, EXCUSE THAT.
-Jota: OOPS!
-OUR TOOLS.
-Horowitz: THAT'S TOOLS.
THAT'S PART OF THE...
TO GET THE WHITENING.
-Amir: THAT WAS AN UZI.
-Horowitz: $2 MILLION?
-Jota: $2 MILLIONS.
-Horowitz: TAKE THE CASES.
Amir: ALL RIGHT!
JUST LOOKING AT THOSE CASES
MAKES MY NIPPLES HARD.
Amir: UH, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO GIVE IT TO THE BANK.
BUT, YEAH, I CAN --
I CAN DO THIS.
Horowitz: HERE YOU GO.
PUT THIS IN THERE.
-Amir: IS THAT LIKE A GIFT OR...
-Horowitz: WELL,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT
TO TAKE CARE OF THIS MONEY.
Amir: THAT'S HOT.
WHY IS THIS SO HOT?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET INSIDE.
YOU GUYS PRACTICE
IN THE VALLEY OR...
Horowitz: IS THIS COCA LEAVES?
Amir: NO, IT'S --
IT'S A PALM TREE.
Horowitz: IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
Amir: I'M REALLY
STARTING TO WONDER
IF THIS GUY'S EVEN JEWISH.
♪♪
Chelsea: DEAN SHOULD MAKE ME
PARTNER BECAUSE I'M RESOURCEFUL.
I FOUND MY NEW CLIENT, ART,
ON A DIVORCED MEN'S
REDDIT THREAD.
NOT BAD FOR $11 MILLION, RIGHT?
-Art: WOW, THIS IS FANTASTIC!
-Chelsea: YEAH.
Art: THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS THINKING.
Chelsea:
ART'S WIFE OF 20 YEARS JUST
LEFT HIM LAST WEEK,
SO HE'S LOOKING FOR A NEW HOME.
POOR ART. POOR SAD,
WEALTHY, IMPULSIVE ART.
-Art: NEW HORIZONS!
-Chelsea: YES, INDEED.
-Art: NEW VISTAS.
-Chelsea: UH-HUH.
Art: HEY, L.A.,
I'M READY TO MINGLE!
Chelsea: THERE YOU GO!
Art:
I'M GLAD WE COULDN'T HAVE KIDS.
NOW THAT I'M HERE,
I'M GLAD ABOUT THAT.
Chelsea: WE'VE GOT
THIS CUSTOM GARAGE DOOR.
Art: THAT IS REALLY NICE.
I MEAN, IT'S A LOT BETTER
THAN SLEEPING
IN THE GARAGE, WHICH I'VE DONE.
BUT THIS IS -- THIS IS NICE.
IT'S SLEEK, IT'S MODERN.
I MEAN, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF...
PLACES TO GET NASTY ON.
Chelsea: YOU CAN HAVE A SEAT.
YOU CAN TRY OUT SOME OF THESE...
-Art: SURE.
-Chelsea: ...NASTY SPOTS.
Art: LET ME GIVE THIS A TRY.
AH, YEAH! THIS IS NICE.
Chelsea: LET ME TAKE
A PICTURE OF THIS, MAN.
Art: OKAY. OH, DO, YEAH,
THAT WILL BE GREAT!
-BYE, DEBBIE.
-Chelsea: ONE, TWO, THREE.
-Art: BYE, DEBBIE.
-Chelsea: THERE WE GO.
Art: BYE, DEBBIE.
-Chelsea: ARE YOU CRYING?
-Art: NO, NO, NO!
Chelsea: LOOK AT THIS SKYLIGHT.
EVERY DAY,
THE DAWN WILL GREET YOU.
Art: YEAH.
DEBBIE WOULD HATE THAT.
SHE LIKES TO SLEEP IN A TOMB.
Chelsea:
SHE SOUNDS LIKE A CORPSE.
Art: HA.
NO, SHE'S A VERY LIVELY PERSON.
IT'S...
IT'S OUR MARRIAGE THAT'S DEAD.
[ CRYING ]
Chelsea: HEY.
Art:
LET'S CHECK OUT THE SHITTER.
NICE THAT YOU TOUCHED ME.
♪♪
Glenn: DEAN GAVE ME AN ORDER
TO SPY ON THE BROKERS,
AND I'VE BEEN DOING MY BEST
TO COMPLETE HIS MISSION.
Dean: GLENN, I NEED YOU TO BE
MY EYES AND EARS AMONG THEM.
Glenn:
DEAN, THE BROKERS IN THE OFFICE
HAVE BEEN TREATING ME
PRETTY POORLY LATELY.
-Dean: IS THAT SO?
-Glenn: YEAH.
Dean: GIVE ME THREE EXAMPLES.
Glenn:
VICTORIA GRABBED MY SCROTUM
AND SHOVED ME AGAINST THE WALL.
Dean: YOU NEVER SAID,
"I'M TOO FAR FROM THE WALL.
GET ME THERE AS QUICKLY
AS POSSIBLE"?
Glenn: NO.
Dean: NO WORDS THAT COULD
BE INTERPRETED THAT WAY?
-Glenn: NO, I --
-Dean: EXAMPLE NUMBER TWO.
Glenn: VICTORIA CALLED ME BEN,
AND THEN SHE GRABBED MY SCROTUM
AND SHOVED ME AGAINST THE WALL.
Dean: NOW, THIS IS THE SECOND
TIME INVOLVING VICTORIA?
Glenn: YES.
Dean: SECOND TIME
INVOLVING A SCROTAL GRAB.
Glenn: WELL, THOSE ARE THE ONES
THAT POP INTO MY HEAD
-IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE --
-Dean: IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
Glenn: YEAH,
IT'S A VISCERAL EXPERIENCE.
-Dean: THIRD EXAMPLE?
-Glenn: IF I COULD
CLUMP THEM ALL TOGETHER
AT SOME POINT,
EVERYONE HAS CALLED ME
A DIRTY NAME
OR ROLLED THEIR EYES
EXTREMELY AT ME.
Dean: GIVE ME FOUR EXAMPLES
OF DIRTY NAMES.
Glenn: PISS-BOMB, SLOP-EATER,
LITTLE PIG BOY,
ASS-TO-MOUTH PRINCE.
Dean: THERE IS THE SUGGESTION
OF NOBILITY.
THEY'RE NOT CALLING YOU
ASS-TO-MOUTH PAUPER.
Glenn: THEY DON'T RESPECT ME.
AND I WANT TO LET THEM KNOW
THAT I HAVE A CERTAIN POWER
OVER THEM, BUT I CANNOT.
Dean: GLENN,
YOUR MISSION IS VERY CLEAR.
WHAT YOU WANT IS TO GET TO
THE POINT WHERE THEY'RE SAYING
TO YOUR FACE,
"YOU'RE A SPINELESS COWARD
AND WE CAN SAY
WHATEVER WE WANT TO YOU."
Glenn: WELL, THEY SAY, YOU KNOW,
"GLENN, WHEN YOUR LUNCH BREAK
IS COMING UP,
YOU SHOULD GO TO THE POTTY
BECAUSE
THAT'S WHERE YOUR LUNCH IS.
WE'VE LEFT YOUR LUNCH
IN THE POTTY."
Dean:
IS POTTY SLANG FOR BATHROOM?
Glenn: YES, IT'S A TOILET.
-Dean: TOILET.
-Glenn: THAT'S THEIR THING,
IS THAT I EAT
AND DRINK OUT OF THE TOILET.
Dean: YOU UNDERSTAND,
I HAVE TO ASK YOU, IS THAT TRUE?
Glenn: NO, I'VE NEVER EATEN
OUT OF THE TOILET.
Dean: ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
Glenn: ONE TIME,
I WASHED MY HANDS IN THE TOILET
BECAUSE THE WATER
WAS BROKEN IN MY APARTMENT.
Dean: WELL, NEEDS
MUST AS THE DEVIL DRIVES.
I'VE PUT MY HANDS
IN WORSE PLACES.
-Glenn: SUCH AS?
-Dean: I'VE HAD MY HANDS
INSIDE A HUMAN BODY.
-VERY UNPLEASANT THING.
-Glenn: IT WASN'T FOR PLEASURE?
Dean: THERE WERE
PLEASURABLE ASPECTS TO IT,
BUT IT WASN'T MY MOTIVATION.
MY MOTIVATION WAS TO KEEP
A MAN ALIVE, AND I FAILED.
Glenn: I'M SO SORRY, DEAN.
Dean: NO, DON'T BE.
I ABSORBED HIS SPIRIT.
NOW, THESE HIDEOUS THINGS
THEY SAY TO YOU,
AS HORRIBLE OR ACCURATE
AS THEY MAY BE, YOU USE IT,
AND YOU SAY, "OH, YOU CALL ME
ASS-TO-MOUTH PRINCE,
I WILL KEEP A SPECIAL EYE
ON YOU FOR DEAN."
FEEL ALL OF THE HATRED THAT
THEY ARE DIRECTING YOUR WAY.
-FEEL IT IN YOUR SOUL.
-Glenn: I DO. IT HURTS A LOT.
Dean: PERFECT.
-YOU BE THAT SLOP-EATER.
-Glenn: YES.
Dean: YOU BE
THAT LITTLE PIGGY BOY.
-Glenn: I'M A PIGGY BOY.
-Dean: YOU'RE A POTTY EATER.
Glenn: I'M YOUR LITTLE
SECRET POTTY EATER.
Dean: YOU ARE THE POTTY EATER.
Glenn: OKAY,
I CAN DO THIS FOR YOU, DEAN.
I'M GOING TO
BRING MY MEALS FROM HOME,
AND I WILL PUT THEM
IN THE POTTY, AND I'LL EAT THEM.
Dean: BUT I DON'T THINK
IT WOULD BE GOOD
FOR THE REST OF THE OFFICE
TO SEE YOU
LITERALLY
EATING OUT OF THE TOILET.
Glenn: I'LL CLOSE THE STALL.
THEY WON'T HAVE TO SEE IT.
Dean:
WILL YOU MAKE EATING SOUNDS?
-Glenn: IT COULD BE RAMEN.
-Dean: RAMEN, I THINK,
MIGHT BE THE WORST CHOICE
YOU COULD MAKE.
Glenn: I GET A BUTANE TORCH, AND
I'LL HEAT UP THE POTTY RAMEN.
Dean: GLENN, I'M GOING TO
ASK YOU NOT TO EAT
OUT OF THE TOILET.
Glenn: I WASN'T REALLY GOING
TO EAT OUT OF THE TOILET.
♪♪
Andrew: SO, WE GOT AN ANGRY CALL
FROM A CLIENT,
AND VICTORIA IS TO BLAME.
Baxter:
YEAH, WELL, VICTORIA FUCKED US!
Andrew: YEAH, SHE FUCKED US, BUT
NOT IN A GOOD WAY, OVER A DEAL.
-Baxter: WE ASK ONE THING.
-Andrew: ONE THING.
Baxter: AND SHE BUILDS CONDOS
ON THE LOT.
Andrew:
YOU CAN'T LIE TO US LIKE THAT.
Baxter: KIM SAID
SHE WANTED THE HOUSE INTACT.
Andrew: THE FAMILY
SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED IT.
IT WAS PART OF THE SALE.
Baxter:
NOW WE LOOK LIKE ASSHOLES.
Andrew: THIS IS HUGE FALLOUT.
-Baxter: LET'S TALK TO HER.
-Victoria: IT'S JUST CONDOS.
-GET OVER IT!
-Baxter: OH, MY GOSH!
Andrew:
OH, MY GOD. JUST CONDOS?!
WE AGREED IT WOULDN'T BE.
Baxter: WE HAD LUNCH.
YOU SIGNED AN AGREEMENT
THAT NOTHING WOULD BE
BUILT ON THAT LOT.
Victoria: THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
Andrew: IT COUNTS.
IT'LL COUNT IN COURT.
Victoria:
OH, I'M SO THREATENED. COME ON.
Baxter: WHAT DO YOU
THINK AGREEMENTS ARE?
Victoria: IT'S JUST CONDOS.
TELL HER TO GET OVER IT.
Baxter:
SHE CALLED US, CRYING, OKAY?
SHE'S NOT GETTING OVER IT,
ALL RIGHT?
Victoria: WHEN SHE WAS CRYING,
DID IT SOUND LIKE THIS...
[ CRYING ]
Chelsea: OW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Baxter: YOU DID NOT!
IT'S STILL SO FUNNY.
-YEAH, IT SOUNDED LIKE...
-Victoria: IT SOUNDED LIKE THAT?
Baxter:
AND I WAS LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?"
AND I PULLED OFF HER MASK,
IT WAS CHELSEA.
-Victoria: IT WAS.
-Andrew: LET'S GO.
COME ON, BAXTER.
IT'S STILL NOT FUNNY.
FOCUS, BAXTER. BAXTER!
CONDOS.
-Baxter: OH, MY GOSH!
-Andrew: GAME'S OVER.
Baxter: THAT'S FUNNY. "OW!"
I'M CHELSEA.
Victoria:
DO YOU WANT A SNICKERS?
-Andrew: SURE.
-Baxter: DO YOU HAVE SNICKERS?
-Victoria: YEAH, COME IN.
-Baxter: OH, MY GOSH, YES.
Andrew: LIKE, BAX, WE DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW.
Baxter: OH, MY GOSH.
THAT IS SO...
-Victoria: RIGHT?
-Baxter: ...SO FUNNY.
Victoria: THAT HAD TO BE
THE WORST MOMENT OF HER LIFE.
Baxter:
I KNOW, SHE'S HUMILIATED.
Andrew: CALL BAXTER.
Baxter: HOLD ON. Hello?
-Andrew: BAXY PADS.
-BAXTER: What's up, dude?
Andrew: UM, CAN YOU LET ME IN?
VICTORIA: Hey, Baxter, Baxter.
-Oh!
-BAXTER: Oh!
[ Laughter ]
OH, THAT WAS GOOD.
THAT WAS, "OW!"
Victoria: IT'S LIKE, EVERY TIME.
♪♪
Chelsea: SO, ART, WE'VE GOT
A LOT OF INDUSTRIAL ELEMENTS
TO HELP YOU REALLY
TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE.
Chelsea:
IN A FORCEFUL WAY, RIGHT?
I AM THIS CLOSE
TO MAKING THE SALE.
IF ART CAN JUST SUCK IT UP
AND BE A MAN LONG ENOUGH
TO SIGN THE PAPERWORK.
-LOOK AT THIS EXPANSIVE CEILING.
-Art: OH!
Chelsea:
HOW DO YOU FEEL IN HERE?
Art: I FEEL LIKE THE SKY'S
THE LIMIT. I REALLY DO.
Chelsea: YEAH. THAT'S IT.
-Art: OH, THESE ARE NICE.
-Chelsea: YEAH.
Art: ARE THEY LIKE SOME KIND
OF SEX CHAIR THING, 'CAUSE,
I MEAN, THIS PLACE
REALLY SEEMS LIKE A FUCK PAD.
Chelsea: THEY COULD BE
ANYTHING YOU WANT, MAN.
Art: ARE THERE INSTRUCTIONS
THAT THEY COME WITH?
-Chelsea: NO, I --
-Art: 'CAUSE I WOULDN'T KNOW
HOW TO FIGURE THIS OUT.
AND I'VE PROBABLY HAVE TO, LIKE,
PUT A SAW HORSE
UNDER THEM OR SOMETHING.
Chelsea: SO WE GOT A LOT
OF DIFFERENT AREAS
-FOR ENTERTAINING.
-Art: YEAH.
Chelsea:
BREAKFAST NOOK, FULL KITCHEN.
Art: DEBBIE LOVED TO COOK.
Chelsea:
WHAT DOES ART LIKE TO COOK?
Art: WHATEVER DEBBIE DECIDES.
Chelsea: IF ART
KEEPS LOSING HIS SHIT,
I'M GONNA LOSE THIS COMMISSION.
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO
BUILD HIM UP!
ART, NO --
ART, DON'T YOU DARE LAY DOWN.
ART, GET OFF THAT COUCH.
Art: I DON'T WANT
TO GET OFF THIS COUCH.
Chelsea: ART,
THAT LOOKS LIKE A BABY BED.
-Art: NO!
-Chelsea: GET UP.
Art: THIS IS THE ONLY PIECE
OF FURNITURE
THAT'S AN ACTUAL PIECE
OF FURNITURE IN THE WHOLE PLACE.
Chelsea: ART, YOU DON'T NEED
FURNITURE 'CAUSE YOU'RE A GOD.
YOU SIT ON GODDAMN CLOUDS!
-SIT ON THIS CLOUD.
-Art: I DON'T SIT ON CLOUDS.
-Chelsea: SIT ON THIS CLOUD!
-Art: I WANT TO TALK TO DEBBIE!
Chelsea: ART, YOU BETTER NOT!
THIS KITTY CAT
REPRESENTS THE NEW YOU.
HE'S FIERCE, HE'S --
HE'S ON THE PROWL,
BUT HE'S NOT TOO THREATENING.
HE'S GOT HIS MOUTH OPEN.
IS IT A SMILE, IS IT A GROWL?
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW,
HOT DENNY'S WAITRESS.
Art: OH. I'M NO CHROME KITTY.
-I'M NO CHROME KITTY.
-Chelsea: YOU'RE A CHROME KITTY!
-Art: I'M NOT.
-Chelsea: YOU ARE.
AND THIS IS DEBBIE,
SHE'S AN OLD, SAD SKULL.
-Art: GIVE ME DEBBIE.
-Chelsea: I DON'T HAVE ANY SKIN.
Art: GIVE ME DEBBIE.
IT FEELS LIKE DEBBIE.
DEBBIE HAS A VERY LARGE HEAD,
VERY THIN HAIR.
THIS IS VERY SIMILAR.
-I'M GONNA CALL HER.
-Chelsea: DON'T YOU DARE!
Art: I AM GONNA CALL DEBBIE NOW.
-Chelsea: GIVE ME THIS!
-Art: DEBBIE? DEBBIE?!
-Chelsea: I'LL TAKE IT. DEBBIE?!
-DEBBIE: Hello?
-Chelsea: DEBBIE, HI.
-DEBBIE: Who is this?
-Art?
-Chelsea: THIS IS CHELSEA.
-I AM ART'S REALTOR.
-Debbie: REALTOR?
Chelsea:
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M HELPING --
DEBBIE: What's going on here?
Put Art on the phone.
Chelsea:
YEAH, YOU CAN TALK TO HIM.
Art: HEY, DEBBIE, IT'S ME.
DEBBIE:
Art, are you buying property?
Art:
YES! I'M LOOKING FOR A HOUSE.
DEBBIE: Why on earth
are you buying a house?
Art:
BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME, DEBBIE!
Art: YOU WENT TO LIVE
WITH YOUR SISTER?
DEBBIE: Live with my sister?
-Are you insane?
-Art: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DEBBIE: I told you last month
I was going to visit her.
You thought I was divorcing you?
Art: NO,
I DIDN'T REMEMBER YOU SAID IT.
DEBBIE:
Don't be ridiculous, Art!
Art: YOU WERE GONNA GO SEE HER.
DEBBIE: Oh, my God,
this is so typical.
♪♪
Amir: TECHNICALLY, DR. HOROWITZ
SHOULDN'T BE MOVING
INTO THE HOUSE BEFORE ESCROW.
BUT WHEN SOMEONE
HANDS ME $2 MILLION,
THEY CAN MOVE INTO MY BUTT
AND USE MY MOUTH
AS A GUEST HOUSE.
SO, HERE IS THE FULLY DRAFTED
CONTRACT, DR. HOROWITZ, AND I --
I GOT EVERYTHING IN HERE
THAT YOU ASKED FOR. I GOT THE --
Trent: WHAT THE HELL IS -- WAIT!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
-WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
-Amir: HEY, HEY, HEY!
-DOCTOR, NO! DOCTOR!
-Trent: NO!
-Trent: I'M THE LISTING AGENT!
-Amir: iESTA BIEN! iESTA BIEN!
ESTA BIEN.
-Horowitz: OKAY.
-Amir: LISTEN!
Trent: EVERYONE, CHILL.
EVERYONE CHILL THE FUCK OUT!
Amir: TRENT
LIKES TO FOLLOW THE RULES.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
HE'S GONNA HANDLE DR. HOROWITZ.
Trent: CAN I ASK
WHAT YOU'RE A DOCTOR IN?
Horowitz: I'M A DENTIST...
IN RESEDA.
Jota: AND WE'RE HIS HYGIENISTS.
Horowitz: ARE WE GOING TO
BUY THIS HOME TODAY?
Trent: WELL, I DON'T KNOW
THAT WE CAN DO THAT, OKAY?
SIR, YOU BROKE IN HERE
AND YOUR HYGIENISTS HAVE GUNS.
Horowitz: PIN HIM DOWN
BY HIS SHOULDERS!
Trent: NO, NO!
Horowitz: YOU SAY THIS PLACE
IS IN ESCROW?
Trent:
WELL, IT -- IT HAS TO BE.
Horowitz: I'M GONNA ESCROW
YOUR TEETH OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!
Trent: OH, NO, NO!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
-Horowitz: DO WE HAVE A DEAL?!
-Trent: BLACK AND BROWN!
BLACK AND BROWN!
COME ON, WE CAN UNITE.
Horowitz: OKAY.
WE DON'T NEED TO HURT YOU.
-Trent: YEAH.
-Horowitz: BECAUSE WE KIDNAPPED
YOUR WIFE
AND WE'RE PREPARED TO KILL HER.
Trent: WAIT, WHAT?!
NO, YOU DIDN'T!
Amir: SHE DID NOTHING WRONG!
Trent: NO! NO! NO, NINA!
THAT'S MY BEAUTIFUL WHITE WIFE!
NO, PLEASE!
Amir: SO, IT TURNS OUT
THAT KIDNAPPING
IS A SUPER-EFFECTIVE WAY
TO CLOSE A DEAL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THIS!
Trent: I'VE SOLD OUT
MY BLACK COMMUNITY
FOR A LONG TIME
TO GET THAT WHITE WIFE.
PLEASE, PLEASE
DON'T DO ANYTHING.
Horowitz:
EVERYBODY IS INDIVIDUAL.
YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD NOT BE
TAKEN DOWN BY OUR OWN HERITAGE.
Trent: I KNOW, BUT MY RACE
IS REALLY TOUGH ON US.
Horowitz: AND ME, I'M MEXICAN.
Amir: YEAH, I'M LIKE,
IRANIAN, GUYS.
Trent: OH, I'VE ALWAYS
WONDERED WHAT YOU ARE.
Amir: MY FAMILY IS FROM IRAN.
Jota:
I THOUGHT YOU WERE PERSIAN.
Amir: WELL,
THE EMPIRE WAS PERSIAN, BUT --
Horowitz: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS,
MAN, ISIS?
Jota: HOLD IT, YOU'RE ISIS?!
-Amir: NO, NO!
-Jota: TALIBAN!
-Trent: ISIS!
-Amir: I AM NOT ISIS OR TALIBAN!
-Jota: ISIL!
-Amir: NO! iESTA BIEN!
OFF! ALLAHU AKBAR!
ALLAHU! ALLAHU AKBAR!
ALLAHU AKBAR!
OKAY, I DON'T LIKE
TO PULL THAT MOVE TOO OFTEN,
BUT SOMETIMES IT COMES IN HANDY.
♪♪
Baxter: DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES
DURING SEX?
Victoria: I MEAN, IT DEPENDS ON
WHO I'M HAVING SEX WITH.
-IF HE'S UGLY. DO YOU?
-Baxter: THAT MAKES SENSE.
Victoria: WELL, I GUESS
YOU'RE GETTING IT FROM THE BACK,
SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK.
BAXTER AND I
HAVE BASICALLY BECOME BESTIES
SINCE WE WITNESSED THE CHELSEA.
Andrew:
VICTORIA CAN HAVE BAXTER!
THAT'S FINE.
I DON'T NEED HIM ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I GOT A NEW BROTHER
FROM ANOTHER MOTHER!
-Glenn: WHAT UP, MY HOMEYS?
-Andrew: OW!
POP IT!
NO, UH, SLAP IT.
-ON THE TOP.
-Glenn: HUH?
-Victoria: SHORTENED BANGS.
-Baxter: REALLY?
Andrew: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I INTRODUCE TO YOU
THE PICKLE BROS.
Baxter:
THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR HAT SAYS.
YOU JUST SAID THE PICKLE BROS.
Victoria: YOUR HAT
SAYS PICKLE JUICE BROS.
Andrew: IT'S THE SAME --
YEAH, IT'S THE SAME THING.
-IT A SHORTER WAY TO SAY --
-Victoria: WELL,
NO, THERE'S PICKLES
AND THEN THERE'S PICKLE JUICE.
Andrew: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I INTRODUCE TO YOU
-THE PICKLE JUICE BROS.
-Victoria: NO.
Glenn:
WE'RE THE PICKLE JUICE BROS.
-Andrew: YEAH.
-Baxter: AND?
Andrew:
TELL THEM THE STORY, GLENN.
GO AHEAD, THIS IS HILARIOUS.
GET READY, SIT BACK,
BE OUR AUDIENCE.
Glenn: WE WENT TO THE FRIDGE,
AND THERE WAS A JAR OF PICKLES
WITH NO PICKLES IN IT.
-IT WAS JUST THE JUICE.
-Andrew: JESUS CHRIST, GLENN.
-Glenn: WHAT? WHAT?
-Andrew: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Victoria:
IS THAT THE WHOLE STORY?
Andrew: NO, IT'S NOT
THE WHOLE STORY -- RELAX.
-Glenn: OH, I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
-Andrew: NO.
Glenn:
WE WERE HUNGRY FOR PICKLES.
AND THERE WERE
NO PICKLES IN THE JAR.
-IT WAS JUST THE JUICE.
-Victoria: WHY IS THIS FUNNY?
Andrew: FIRST OF ALL --
OKAY, YOU GUYS ASKED US.
WE HAPPEN TO BE
HANGING OUT HERE.
-SO MAYBE YOU NEED TO --
-Victoria: NO, NO, NO,
YOU PARADED IN HERE
WITH YOUR HATS.
-Andrew: PARADED? THAT'S RACIST.
-Victoria: YEAH.
Andrew:
LISTEN, IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS
WHERE YOU HAD TO BE THERE,
YOU KNOW?
YOU HAD TO BE IN THE SITUATION.
-Victoria: THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
-Baxter: YEAH.
THIS IS LIKE SEEING
YOUR DAD ON TINDER.
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW WE MATCH,
BUT WE DID.
Andrew: TELL ME
WHAT HAPPENED WITH CHELSEA.
Victoria: WE TOLD YOU
WHAT HAPPENED WITH CHELSEA.
Andrew: LET ME
INTO THE CHELSEA GROUP.
Baxter: IT WAS THIS. "OW!"
Andrew: YEAH, I KNOW,
AND IT'S HILARIOUS --
IT'S HILARIOUS,
BUT SOMEHOW I DON'T --
-Victoria: IT'S HILARIOUS.
-Andrew: YOU CAN --
YOU CAN LEAVE.
UH, LIKE, IS IT CAUGHT
ON HER HAIR, OR --
-Victoria: I JUST FEEL LIKE --
-Andrew: 'CAUSE I CAN DO IT.
Victoria: I FEEL LIKE
WE'VE ATTEMPTED SO MANY TIMES
TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
Andrew: I KNOW, BUT --
Victoria: AND YOU DON'T GET IT.
Baxter: SHE JUST WENT "OW!"
IT WAS LIKE A HAND MOTION.
-Victoria: YEAH, YEAH.
-Andrew: WHO WAS SHE CALLING?
Victoria: I'M SORRY,
NO, YOU'RE NOT IN THE GROUP.
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE.
AND I'M SORRY.
YOU HAD TO BE THERE.
MAYBE NEXT TIME
YOU SHOULD BE THERE
WHEN THE EMBARRASSING
THING HAPPENS.
Andrew: I JUST THINK
IT'S STUPID, THOUGH,
BECAUSE IT'S SUCH
AN EASY THING TO DESCRIBE.
-OH.
-Victoria: I'M CHOKING.
-Andrew: YOU LOOK LIKE --
-Victoria: I'M CHOKING.
Baxter: SHE'S CHOKING. OH!
-OH, MY GOD!
-Andrew: FEED ME, MOMMY.
-ARF!
-Victoria: OH, MY GOD!
Andrew: WERE YOU
JUST FEEDING BABY BIRDS?
-Victoria: NO, I --
-Baxter: YEAH,
IT WAS LIKE, "MAMA'S HERE!"
Victoria: HEY, YOU GUYS,
I ALMOST JUST DIED!
I ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH!
Baxter: UH-OH, UH-OH!
Victoria: ALL RIGHT!
WOULD YOU GUYS HAVE THOUGHT
IT WAS SO FUNNY IF I DIED?
Glenn:
WE WOULD HAVE SHARED THAT.
Andrew: IMAGINE THAT!
THAT WAS VERY, VERY
STUPID LOOKING.
-Baxter: THAT WAS SO FUNNY.
-Victoria: OKAY, VERY FUNNY.
-Glenn: THAT WAS GREAT.
-Victoria: HEY, BAXTER?
REMEMBER THE...
Baxter: THAT'S OLD.
DON'T DO OLD JOKES.
Andrew: PICKLE BROS. CLEAN UP.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS EVER
HANGING OUT WITH HER.
THAT WAS CLOSE.
SHE SUCKS!
-WE'RE BACK.
-Andrew: WE'RE BACK.
Glenn:
SOMEONE MADE QUITE A MESS.
Victoria: YOU NEED TO FUCK OFF.
NOW.
NO! ALL THE WAY.
-Glenn: I'M FUCKING OFF.
-Victoria: NO.
AND TAKE OFF THAT STUPID HAT!
I CAN STILL SEE YOU.
-GET OUT NOW!
-Glenn: I'M FUCKED OFF.
Victoria: NO! THAT'S IT!
GO! COME HERE! COME HERE!
COME HERE!
♪♪
Horowitz: SORRY
ABOUT THE MIX-UP EARLIER.
I WAS -- I WAS NOT AWARE
THAT THERE WERE TWO AGENTS
-INVOLVED IN BUYING A HOUSE.
-Amir: THAT'S TOTALLY FINE.
I'M SORRY I PRETENDED TO BE
A SUICIDE BOMBER.
Horowitz: WELL, YOU HAD TO DO
WHAT YOU HAD TO DO, EH?
Amir: ACTUALLY, IF YOU CAN
PUT A REVIEW ON MY YELP PAGE.
Horowitz: ABSOLUTELY.
WE WILL ALL DO THAT.
-Jota: YEAH, WE CAN.
-Amir: YEAH, IF ALL FOUR OF YOU
CAN DO THAT,
THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.
[ SIREN WAILING ]
[ GUNFIRE ]