Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Uncle Jerry - full transcript
♪♪
Chelsea:
LAST WEEK, DEAN REVEALED
AND NOW TODAY, HE'S CALLED
ANOTHER MANDATORY MEETING.
Dean:
AS YOU ALL HAVE SENSED,
THE PICTURES OF YOU
ON OUR WEBSITE
ARE TERRIBLE,
AND NO ONE LIKES THEM.
CHIEFLY, I DESPISE THEM.
Chelsea: OKAY, I GUESS
IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THIS PHOTO
IS SOMEHOW CONNECTED
TO THE PARTNERSHIP.
I DON'T KNOW.
Dean: SO I'VE REMEDIED
THAT SITUATION BY HIRING JERRY.
[ APPLAUSE ]
Andrew: WHOO!
Dean: HERE IS
A WORLD-FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER
THAT I MET DURING
NEW YORK FASHION WEEK.
-Jerry: OH-HO.
-Dean: WE WERE DRINKING ABSINTHE
IN A HOT-AIR BALLOON.
-Jerry: AH.
Dean: WATCHING THEM ALL
SCURRY ABOUT BELOW.
Amir: JERRY'S THE MOST IN-DEMAND
PHOTOGRAPHER IN THE BUSINESS.
HIS PICTURES ARE LIKE
AMERICAN APPAREL ADS
ON WHATEVER DRUG BILL COSBY HAD.
Dean: HIS CAREER BEGAN
SPEEDING DOWN A STREET
TRYING TO CATCH PICTURES
OF LADY DIANA.
Jerry: SHE WRECKED,
AND I GOT THE PICTURES.
FROM THEN ON,
I'VE BEEN TAKING PICTURES
OF THE LIVING AND THE DEAD
FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.
-Dean: SOMETIMES SIDE-BY-SIDE.
-Jerry: OH, YEAH.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WONDERING,
"JERRY, DO YOU HAVE PICTURES
OF NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON
AND RON GOLDMAN?"
YES, I DO.
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
WILL YOU SEE THEM?
YES, YOU WILL.
Victoria: WILL I GET TIRED
OF THE RHETORICAL QUESTIONS
HE INSISTS ON ANSWERING HIMSELF?
YES, I WILL.
Dean: JERRY AND HIS ASSISTANT,
CASSANDRA,
WILL BE TAKING PHOTOS OF YOU
THAT WILL BE
THE BEST PHOTOS OF YOU
THAT EVER WILL EXIST.
TREAT THIS MOMENT
WITH THE REVERENCE IT DESERVES.
-Dean: JERRY, YOUR SUBJECTS.
-Jerry: THANK YOU, DEAN.
[ LAUGHS ] WHAT A PILE OF SHIT
THAT GUY IS, RIGHT?
♪♪
Jerry: ALL RIGHT, SHIT-HEADS,
THIS IS HOW THIS IS GONNA WORK.
YOU'RE GONNA SUBMIT TO ME
AND MY ASSISTANT, CASSANDRA,
AND I'M GONNA TAKE
PICTURES OF YOU
THAT ARE GONNA MAKE YOUR
DICKS HARD AND YOUR PUSSIES WET.
HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
QUESTIONS? GO.
NOT YOU.
ANYBODY ELSE.
THIS GUY
IN THE BACK'S FREAKING ME OUT
BECAUSE I DIDN'T
SEE YOU AT ALL, MAN.
Cassandra: IT'S LIKE
HE'S BLENDING INTO THE CORNER.
Jerry: IT'S LIKE A WHITE GUY
ON A WHITE WALL.
I SHOULD TAKE
THAT PICTURE OF YOU, MAN.
YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.
Amir:
I COULD GO BY THE BLUE WALL.
Jerry:
GET OUT OF HERE. GO. GUY.
Andrew: COULD
YOU WALK ME JUST THROUGH
THE WARM-UP OR WHATEVER SO
I CAN STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY?
Jerry:
YOU'RE GONNA GET UP THERE.
I'M GONNA USE MY CAMERA DICK
TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOU.
-Andrew: YOUR WHAT?
-Jerry: I SAID MY CAMERA DICK.
-YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT?
-Andrew: NO.
-Jerry: YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
-Andrew: I ASSUME I WILL.
Jerry: IT'S BIG AND BLACK
AND TAKES GREAT PICS.
Andrew: HEY, WE'RE GOOD.
I'M VERY FRIGHTENED OF JERRY.
Baxter: YEAH,
THIS DUDE SEEMS CRAZY.
Cassandra:
THERE WE GO. THAT'S NICE.
-THERE WE GO.
-Jerry: THAT'S GOOD. MMM! MMM!
Cassandra: DOES ANYBODY ELSE
NEED SOMETHING TO RELAX?
Victoria: WHAT EXACTLY
IS CASSIE'S ROLE
IN THIS WHOLE THING?
Jerry:
PHOTOGRAPHER'S ASSISTANT.
Cassandra: THAT'S RIGHT.
Jerry: ANYTHING ELSE
THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
-Cassandra: RECRUITING.
-Jerry: ALL RIGHT.
ANY LAST QUESTIONS?
-Chelsea: I LIKE THIS.
-Jerry: NOT FROM YOU.
♪♪
Andrew: WE'RE SHOWING A HOUSE
TO OUR FRIEND FROM COLLEGE --
DIRK ST. HANCOCK.
Baxter: YEAH, DUMB NAME.
GREAT GUY, THOUGH.
Andrew: WE WERE IN
AN A CAPPELLA GROUP TOGETHER.
I'M NOT SURE
WHY WE DRIFTED APART.
Baxter: DIRK IS SUPER-RICH.
UH, HE INHERITED
ALL OF SPENCER'S GIFTS STORES.
Dirk: SO GOOD
TO SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN, MAN!
-GIVE ME SOME.
-Andrew: OW!
-Dirk: GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS.
-Andrew: YOU ARE STRONG!
Dirk:
OH, MY GOD, ONE MORE HUG.
ONE MORE HUG.
STILL HUGGING.
IT'S NOT A HUG
UNLESS NIPPLES ARE TOUCHING.
Baxter: THAT'S TRUE.
IT'S NIPPLES ON NIPPLES.
Andrew:
I FEEL LIKE YOU LOOK YOUNGER.
-Dirk: HUH?
-Andrew: YOU LOOK YOUNGER --
Baxter:
YEAH, YOU DO LOOK YOUNGER.
THAT COME BY IN THE MORNING
WHILE I'M STILL ASLEEP
AND IT'S AWESOME AND THEY --
Baxter: CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL
THE SPENCER'S GIFTS, BY THE WAY.
Andrew: THAT'S A LOT
OF SPENCER'S GIFTS.
Dirk: YOU INHERIT IT
FROM YOUR DEAD FATHER,
AND YOU SPEND ABOUT SIX MINUTES
BEING BUMMED OUT ABOUT THAT.
AND THEN YOU TAKE THE MONEY
AND YOU RUN.
YOU GUYS, THIS IS REALLY
WORKING OUT FOR YOU, HUH?
ARE YOU MAKING A LOT OF MONEY?
Both: UH...
Andrew: DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?
-SOMETIMES.
-Baxter: UH, YES.
Andrew: DIRK IS THE BEST.
I LOVE THAT GUY.
Baxter: HE IS SO GREAT.
Dirk: OH, THESE ACOUSTICS
ARE SWINGING IN HERE.
Dirk: I LIKE THAT
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪
Andrew: ♪ DOO-PA-DOO-DOO ♪
Dirk: ♪ DOO-PA-DOO-DOO ♪
-♪ DOO-PA-DOO-DOO ♪
-Andrew: ♪ SHE HAD ♪
♪ SHE HAD, MY LADY, SHE HAD ♪
♪ SHE HAD MY LADY ♪
♪ BA-DA-PA-DA-DOO,
BUT THEN I LOST HER ♪
-Baxter: WE USED TO KILL IT.
-Dirk: WE STILL GOT IT.
Andrew: YOU GOT IT.
Baxter: THANK GOD WE HAD
SOME OTHER SINGERS.
Dirk:
YOU WERE ALWAYS RIGHT ON KEY.
YOU WERE ALWAYS JUST
A LITTLE BIT OFF-KEY.
YOU WOULD GET IT
ONCE IN A WHILE.
SO FUCKING GOOD
TO SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN, BUD.
Andrew: OW!
I THINK IT WAS JUST
THE ACOUSTICS IN THAT KITCHEN.
Andrew: YEAH, I THINK
IT WAS THE ACOUSTICS.
♪♪
Victoria: DEAN SWEARS
JERRY'S A LEGEND.
I ASSUME HE MEANS AT DOING
DRUGS AND AMASSING LAWSUITS.
Jerry: [ INHALES DEEPLY ]
Victoria: DOES THAT AFFECT
THE CAMERA, OR...
Jerry: I HAVE TO CHANGE
THE SETTINGS BASED ON SMELL.
THEY'RE NOT JUST GONNA SEE YOU.
THEY'RE GONNA SMELL YOU.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]
Victoria: LIKE
A SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF, OR --
Jerry: YOU'RE A CAT.
KITTY CAT.
-Victoria: RAWR.
-Jerry: JUNGLE CAT.
-Victoria: [ HISSES ]
-Jerry: YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]
-THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?
-Cassandra: THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
-Jerry: YOU'RE NOT SEXY, THOUGH.
-Victoria: OH, OKAY.
Jerry: YOU'RE NOT SEXY.
YOU'RE A THREAT.
YOU'RE THE CAT
THAT KILLED THE DAD
IN "THE LION KING."
Victoria: THIS GUY IS INSANE,
BUT IF IT'LL GET ME
THE PARTNERSHIP,
I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.
Jerry:
YOU'RE A CORPSE. GO.
HERE WE GO.
OH, YEAH.
BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFUL!
COME ON!
COME ON! YOU'RE NOT DYING!
YOU'RE DEAD! DEAD!
Victoria:
HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN DEAD?
Jerry:
YOU'RE DEAD SIX WEEKS.
YOU'RE NOT IN THE GROUND YET.
THEY'RE KEEPING YOU
IN A DRAWER IN THE MORGUE
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT SURE
WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, YOU'RE A CORPSE
ON A TV SHOW.
THEY'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU,
BUT THE GUY THAT WORKS
ON THE FISH MARKET
WON'T GIVE UP
THAT HE SAW YOU THAT NIGHT.
-OH, YEAH.
-Cassandra: WAIT, JERRY,
LET ME JUST CHECK YOUR HAIR
REAL QUICK.
Jerry: YEAH, HOLD ON.
HOLD ON.
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
LET'S DO THIS.
Victoria: CASSANDRA,
HOW DOES MY HAIR LOOK?
-Cassandra: I DON'T CARE.
-Jerry: Shh, shh, shh, shh.
-YOU'RE DEAD.
-Victoria: OKAY.
Jerry:
WHY WON'T SHE STAY DEAD?
DO WE HAVE ANYTHING TO GIVE HER
TO KILL HER FOR LIKE A MINUTE?
Cassandra:
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, FOR SURE.
Victoria: NO, I CAN PLAY IT.
LISTEN.
Jerry: WE CAN O.D. YOU...
Victoria: NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T NEED IT.
Jerry: ...AND THEN GIVE YOU
A SHOT IN THE HEART.
Victoria:
I DON'T NEED IT. WHAT?!
YEAH, THIS IS GETTING
REALLY CREEPY.
CASSANDRA'S FANNY PACK IS LIKE
A MARY POPPINS BAG FOR PILLS.
Jerry: COME ON.
LICK THE LENS.
YEAH.
THIS IS GOOD.
Victoria: BUT YOU'RE NOT TAKING
ANY PICTURES.
Jerry: NO, IT'S HARD TO FOCUS.
I JUST LIKE THIS.
YEAH.
-OH, YOU DIRTY LITTLE GIRL.
-Victoria: OKAY.
WELL, NOW WE'RE NOT EVEN
USING THE CAMERA.
Jerry: YOU LIKE THAT?
Victoria: DOES CASSANDRA
STAY HERE FOR THIS?
Jerry: IT WAS ABOUT
TAKING A PICTURE.
WE'RE DONE.
♪♪
Amir: I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT
OPEN HOUSE TODAY
AND CAN'T AFFORD
FOR ANYTHING TO GO WRONG.
FORTUNATELY,
OPEN HOUSES ARE MY SPECIALTY,
MUCH LIKE SUITS AND MUSIC
ARE PITBULL'S SPECIALTY.
THERE'S A HOMELESS PERSON
SQUATTING IN MY OPEN HOUSE?
WHAT THE HELL?!
HEY! HEY!
-Woman: WHAT IS IT?
-Amir: WHAT THE FUCK?!
-Woman: WHAT?
-Amir: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Woman: HUH? WHAT?
NOBODY'S IN HERE.
Amir: I HAVE AN OPEN HOUSE
IN 15 MINUTES.
YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
SHE SMELLS LIKE A SHIT
FUCKED AN EGG-SALAD SANDWICH.
THAT SAID,
THIS GIVES ME AN IDEA.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
Amir:
YOU WANT TO MAKE SOME MONEY?
-Woman: YEAH, OF COURSE I DO.
-Amir: OKAY.
I COULD USE YOU TO MESS UP
MY COMPETITORS' OPEN HOUSES.
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE OPEN HOUSE,
AND YOU STAY THERE.
RESPECTABLE PEOPLE
ARE GONNA COME IN.
THEY'RE GONNA SEE YOU.
THEY'RE GONNA SMELL YOU.
Woman: COME ON.
I'M NOT THAT...
MUCH OF A MONSTER.
Amir: SHE IS EXACTLY
THAT MUCH OF A MONSTER.
Woman: I CAN DO
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I CAN CALL PEOPLE THE N-WORD.
-Amir: NO.
-Woman: I CAN -- NO?
-Amir: WELL, MAYBE.
-Woman: I MEAN,
HEY, HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT THIS?
Amir: MM,
I DO MILLION-DOLLAR NEGOTIATIONS
BEFORE BREAKFAST ON SUNDAY.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE HOLLY HOBO
AND HER BAG OF PISS CANS.
I NEED TO BE
REALLY CLEAR ON THIS.
Woman: WHAT?
Amir: I DON'T WANT
YOU TO KILL ANYBODY.
Woman: DON'T WANT ME
TO KILL ANYBODY.
YOU WANT ME TO KILL
A CERTAIN SOMEBODY.
-I CAN DO THAT. I CAN DO THAT.
-Amir: NO, I DON'T --
Woman: BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I WAS A MARINE.
Amir:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
DON'T KILL ANYBODY.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'LL GIVE YOU 40 BUCKS
IF YOU PROMISE NOT
TO KILL ANYBODY.
Woman: $50.
I WANT TWO OF THOSE BURRITOS
FROM 7-ELEVEN
THAT ARE CALLED "DA BOMB."
AND THEN I WANT
A GENUINE HUG FROM YOU.
Amir: HA.
-OKAY.
-Woman: YEAH?
Amir: I'LL GIVE YOU $60.
YOU CAN GO BUY
THE BURRITO YOURSELF.
-NO HUG.
-Woman: $60.
YOU HAVE TO KISS ME
ON MY LIPS.
Amir:
THAT'S MORE THAN A HUG.
Woman: $1, FIVE KISSES,
A 30-SECOND GENUINE HUG.
FIVE KISSES.
ONE.
MM, TWO.
THREE, FOUR.
FIVE.
THEN A 30-SECOND GENUINE HUG.
WE DO "MISSISSIPPI"
WHERE I COME FROM.
Amir: OH, FUCK.
Woman: ONE MISSISSIPPI,
-YOU HAVE TO SPEED IT UP.
-Woman: I'M COUNTING.
THREE MISSISSIPPI...
Amir: OHH.
Woman: ...FOUR MISSISS--
OH, YEAH.
Amir: OKAY. OKAY.
-Woman: EIGHT MISSISSIPPI.
-Amir: I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
OHH!
YOU GOT TO LEAVE.
YOU GOT TO LEAVE.
YOU GOT TO GO. IT'S DONE.
-DONE, DONE. NO DEAL. NO DEAL.
-Woman: OKAY.
Amir: KEEP THE MONEY.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
-Woman: OKAY.
-Amir: GO. GO.
-Woman: YOU OKAY?
-Amir: [ SPITS ] OH, MY GOD!
Woman: OH, DON'T SPIT
ON MY TREASURE!
QUIT SPITTING ON MY TREASURE!
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU STREET RAT!
GET OUT OF HERE!
Amir: IT COST 8 GRAND TO GET THE
PISS STAINS OUT OF THAT CARPET.
GOD, I HOPE THAT WAS PISS.
♪♪
Baxter:
WELL, WE ARE STILL TRYING
TO SELL THIS HOUSE
TO OUR "FRIEND" DIRK.
Andrew: YEAH, I FORGET HOW MUCH
HE LIKES TO JOKE AROUND. UH...
Dirk: I LOVE YOUR LOOK, MAN.
NOT ALL THE GUYS CAN PULL OFF
A LESBIAN ICE-SKATER HAIRCUT,
BUT YOU CAN.
AND THE PANTS.
BOLD.
Baxter:
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY PANTS?
-Andrew: THEY ARE KIND OF TIGHT.
-Baxter: HUH?
Dirk: THIS IS GOOD.
THIS IS GOOD, TOO.
A LITTLE -- A LITTLE THIN.
I GIVE THAT FOUR YEARS.
Andrew: HEY,
I'M NOT GOING BALD, AM I?
Baxter: NO. NO, YOU JUST
HAVE AN AGGRESSIVE FOREHEAD.
Andrew: THANK YOU.
Dirk: SO, WHAT'S NEW? YOU GUYS
JUST MAKING IT WORK, HUH?
Andrew:
WE'RE NO DIRK ST. HANCOCK...
Baxter: NO DIRK ST. HANCOCK.
Andrew: ...BUT WE'RE DOING
WHAT WE CAN.
♪ DOING WHAT WE ♪
Together: ♪ CAN ♪
♪ WE'RE DOING WHAT WE CAN ♪
Dirk: ♪ SHARP, FLAT ♪
-Andrew: ♪ NAILED IT ♪
-Baxter: ♪ NAILED IT ♪
Dirk:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SPEAKING OF NAILING,
I GOT TO GO TAKE A GIANT SHIT.
DO YOU GUYS KNOW
WHERE THE COMMODE IS?
Baxter:
YEAH, RIGHT DOWN THERE.
Dirk:
YEAH, I GOT TO DROP SOME HEAT.
I'LL SEE YOU GUYS IN A SECOND.
I'LL FIND IT.
Baxter: ALL RIGHT. COOL.
DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE
A LESBIAN ICE SKATER?
Andrew: MY HAIR'S THINNING?
HE GAVE ME FOUR YEARS.
Baxter: NO,
YOUR HAIR'S VERY THICK.
Andrew: WHAT, I'M GONNA
BE DANNY DeVITO IN FOUR YEARS.
Baxter:
WE'LL GET YOU PROPECIA.
YOU CAN FIX THAT.
I CAN'T FIX --
Andrew: LESBIAN HAIR?
ARE YOU THAT COMMITTED TO IT?
Baxter: I MEAN, WHAT,
I GROW IT LONGER,
AND I JUST LOOK LIKE
A REGULAR LADY?
A LADY OR A LESBIAN LADY?
THOSE ARE MY TWO LOOKS?
Andrew:
THEY'RE TWO GOOD LOOKS.
THAT'S BETTER
THAN DANNY DeVITO.
Dirk:
♪ TAKIN' A BIG, OLD SHIT ♪
Andrew and Baxter:
♪ TAKIN' A BIG, OLD SHIT ♪
Dirk:
♪ TAKIN' A BIG, OLD SHIT ♪
-Andrew: I DON'T KNOW --
-Baxter: ♪ BIG, OLD SHIT ♪
Dirk: ♪ FLAT, FLAT ♪
Baxter: WE WERE NOT FLAT.
Andrew: ♪ SOUNDED GOOD ♪
Baxter: HE IS FLAT.
OH, YEAH. HOW DID WE FORGET?
DIRK IS AN ASSHOLE.
Andrew:
WE'VE ALWAYS HATED THIS GUY.
-Baxter: HEY, DIRKY.
-Andrew: HEY!
Dirk: WHAT'S UP?
I'M TAKING THIS HOUSE.
Dirk: AND NOT JUST BECAUSE
I THINK I BROKE THE SHITTER,
BUT I LOVE THIS PLACE.
AND ALSO, YOU GUYS COULD
CERTAINLY USE THE MONEY.
-SO I'M DOING IT, TAKING IT.
-Andrew: GREAT.
THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER.
I'M GONNA GO CHECK OUT THE POOL.
-Andrew: ALL RIGHT.
-Dirk: OH, SWEET!
LOTUS BLOSSOMS.
Baxter: HE'S ABOUT
TO PEE IN THE POOL.
HE'S PEEING.
DON'T PEE IN IT.
THANKS FOR THE SALE, DIRK.
-WE SHOULD CALL HIM.
-Andrew: WE SHOULD. WE WILL.
♪♪
Chelsea: I WANTED TO IMPRESS A
VERY IMPORTANT POTENTIAL CLIENT,
SO I GOT US LUNCH AT THE MOST
EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN L.A.
IT WASN'T EASY.
I HAD TO R.T. THE OWNER.
Glenn: HEY, CHELSEA.
Cassandra: UH,
WHAT IS GLENN DOING HERE,
AND HOW DID HE EVEN
GET INTO THE RESTAURANT?
OR ZIP CODE?
OH, I'M ACTUALLY WAITING
FOR A CLIENT.
Glenn: OH, YEAH.
UM, I AM YOUR CLIENT.
Chelsea:
YOU SENT ME THE E-MAIL EARLIER?
Glenn: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
THAT WAS ME.
I'M YOUR CLIENT,
AND I WANT TO SPEND
SOME QUALITY TIME TOGETHER
WITH YOU TELLING ME
WHY I SHOULD BUY
THIS BEAUTIFUL PROPERTY.
Chelsea: OKAY.
Chelsea: GREAT. I SHOULD HAVE
REALIZED THAT WAS A FAKE PERSON.
PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE --
WHICH STEP IN THE TRANSITION
TO BECOMING A SERIAL KILLER
IS THAT?
OKAY, GLENN,
SO, YOU WANT TO BUY A HOUSE?
-Glenn: UH-HUH.
-Chelsea: GREAT.
UH, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
Glenn: UM, I WANT A WIFE
WHO LOOKS GREAT IN, UM,
SPARKLY, STRIPED SWEATERS
AND, UH, CRISP WHITE COLLARS...
Chelsea: OKAY.
WELL, THANK YOU.
Glenn: ...AND, UH, LIKES
TO MAKE LOVE IN THE MORNINGS.
Chelsea: OH, WELL, HEY.
LOOKS LIKE I'VE GOT
ANOTHER STALKER.
WHAT DO YOU ENVISION
THAT THE HOME LOOKS LIKE
FROM THE FRONT?
Glenn:
SHE'S GOT HIGH CHEEKBONES.
-Chelsea: NOT THE PERSON.
-Glenn: SOFT.
Chelsea:
DON'T TALK ABOUT THE WOMAN.
Glenn: DARK OLIVE SKIN,
LIKE KALAMATA OLIVES,
BUT WITHOUT
THE PURPLE HUE TO IT.
-Chelsea: HOW MANY BATHROOMS?
-Glenn: UM, WHO CARES?
JUST TO HOLD A SHIT IN.
Chelsea:
BUT WHAT IF YOUR WIFE
NEEDS A PLACE TO PUT ON
HER MAKEUP, DO HER HAIR?
Glenn: UH,
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO THINK
ABOUT WHAT MY WIFE'S
GONNA DO IN A BATHROOM.
Chelsea: YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY
IMPORTANT TO A LOT OF WOMEN.
THAT'S KIND
OF LIKE A SANCTUARY --
TO BE ABLE TO STAND
IN FRONT OF A MIRROR
AND JUST KIND OF, LIKE,
PRAISE ONESELF.
Glenn: OH, YEAH,
WELL, I WANT HER
TO BE ABLE TO PRAISE HERSELF
AND, YOU KNOW...
-Chelsea: GREAT.
-Glenn: ...FEEL LOVE FROM ME
AS WELL AS INTERNALLY
FROM HERSELF.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT HER B.M.s.
Chelsea: IT'S TIME
TO END THIS LITTLE FANTASY.
GUYS LIKE GLENN DON'T GET
TO DATE GIRLS LIKE ME
WITHOUT WINNING A CONTEST.
HEY, GLENN, I THINK I KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
Chelsea: YOU KNOW,
IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE,
THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS
TO TELL HER THAT,
OTHER THAN, YOU KNOW,
CREATING A FAKE E-MAIL ACCOUNT
AND MAKING HER THINK THAT
SHE'S GONNA MAKE A BIG SALE.
Glenn: I -- WHOA,
THAT'S REALLY PRESUMPTUOUS.
I WAS NOT TALKING
ABOUT YOU AT ALL, OKAY?
-Chelsea: OKAY. GREAT.
-Glenn: YOU'RE DISGUSTING TO ME.
-Chelsea: OH. OKAY.
-Glenn: YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
-YOU'RE GROSS TO ME.
-Chelsea: SUITS ME FINE.
SO YOU DON'T HAVE
A CRUSH ON ME AT ALL?
-Glenn: NO. NOT AT ALL. NO.
-Chelsea: NO.
I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU, OKAY?
YOU'RE A COLLEAGUE.
Chelsea: WE'RE COLLEAGUES.
WE CAN WORK TOGETHER.
Glenn: AND, UM, NO.
I'M NOT --
OH, YEAH, I'M TOTALLY INTO HER.
♪♪
Andrew: JERRY THE PHOTOGRAPHER'S
METHODS
MAY NOT BE FOR EVERYONE.
Baxter: BUT, BOY, OH, BOY,
THEY ARE FOR US.
-Jerry: COME ON, HORSY.
-Baxter: ALL RIGHT.
-Jerry: YEAH.
-Baxter: HERE WE GO!
Jerry: OOH, THIS IS GOOD.
OH, THAT'S PERFECT.
THAT'S PERFECT.
-I LOVE THIS.
-Baxter: LET'S KEEP GOING!
-GO FAST!
-Jerry: OKAY.
-Baxter: GO FAST!
-Jerry: OKAY.
THE RACE IS OVER, OKAY?
-Baxter: WE LOST.
-Jerry: HE BROKE HIS LEG.
SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SHOOT
THE HORSE. YOU READY?
Baxter: I NEVER WANTED
TO DO THIS, SUGAR PUFF.
-SUGAR PUFF, I --
-Jerry: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!
-Baxter: SUGAR PUFF!
-Jerry: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!
SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!
Baxter: AAH! HE'S DEAD.
I ALWAYS KNEW
ANDREW WAS A BOTTOM.
Andrew: AS A HORSE.
I MEAN, AS A HUMAN,
I'D BE A TOP.
HORSE -- BOTTOM, HUMAN -- TOP.
Baxter: LIKE A CENTAUR.
Andrew: EXACTLY.
Jerry: ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
WHY DON'T WE GET YOU
ON YOUR KNEES
LOOKING RIGHT UP AT ME,
ALL RIGHT?
Chelsea: JERRY IS INTIMIDATING
BUT I BET I KNOW HOW TO FIND
HIS SOFT, HAIRY UNDERBELLY.
OH, MY GOD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THAT THING YOU DID
WITH YOUR EYEBROWS WAS SO FUNNY.
WAIT, CAN YOU DO THAT AGAIN
SO I CAN PUT IT ON INSTAGRAM?
-Jerry: WHAT?
-Chelsea: YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT.
Jerry: ALL RIGHT,
BUT LET'S GET BACK TO YOU, OKAY?
I WANT YOU ON YOUR BACK,
LEGS IN THE AIR.
Chelsea: OH, MY GOD, THAT
HAND MOVEMENT RIGHT THERE --
LIKE BRADLEY COOPER
WHEN YOU DID THAT.
-DO IT ONE MORE TIME.
-Jerry: COOP?
-Chelsea: THE COOP.
-Jerry: HE'S A GOOD FRIEND.
Chelsea: YOU SHOULD STAND HERE.
THE LIGHTING'S WAY BETTER.
YOU GUYS HAVE DONE
A BEAUTIFUL JOB.
AND THEN WE'RE GETTING BACK
TO YOU, OKAY, CHELSEA?
Chelsea: UM, NOW,
WHY DON'T YOU TURN AROUND
AND STICK YOUR BUTT WAY OUT?
BUT LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER
LIKE,
"WHO'S KNOCKING AT MY DOOR?
A SUITOR?"
Jerry: BELIEVE ME, I THINK
I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
Chelsea: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, PRO.
OKAY, AND THEN
SHAKE YOUR BUTT SIDE-TO-SIDE,
BUT MORE UP THAN --
BUT MORE UP THAN DOWN.
Jerry: WAIT,
ARE YOU TAKING A VIDEO?
Chelsea: OH, GOOD IDEA.
NOW I WANT YOU TO,
UM, SHAKE YOUR --
SHAKE YOUR CURLY LOCKS.
STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE.
AND THEN I JUST WANT YOU TO,
LIKE, RUB YOUR OWN ASS,
BUT IN A CIRCLE.
-AND THREE, TWO, ONE, SMILE!
-Jerry: YEAH!
-Chelsea: OKAY.
-Jerry: OHH.
Chelsea: I THINK WE GOT IT.
I'M GONNA SELL THESE
TO DARKANDHAIRY. COM.
THAT'S A REAL FETISH SITE.
DO NOT SEARCH IT.
TRUST ME.
Amir: [ CLAPS HANDS ]
AMIR'S IN THE HOUSE.
-LET'S DO THIS.
-Cassandra: OH, YEAH.
Amir: I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED
TO SHOOT WITH JERRY.
THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE.
Jerry: TELL HIM I WANT HIM
TO BRING OVER,
LIKE, INDUSTRIAL-GRADE FIREWORKS
TO THE APARTMENT TONIGHT.
Cassandra: OKAY.
LIKE, A CASE OR SOMETHING?
Amir: SO EXCITED FOR THIS.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
Jerry: YOU'RE DONE. SCRAM.
CALL THOSE TWINS FROM LAST WEEK.
WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES?
Cassandra:
UH, REGINA AND RAGINA.
NO, GIVE ME REGINA
BUT NOT RAGINA.
-Cassandra: OKAY.
-Jerry: I WAS NOT A FAN OF HER.
♪♪
Andrew: SO, WE GET A CALL
FOR A POTENTIAL NEW LISTING
IN A SUPER-ELITE NEIGHBORHOOD.
Baxter: GEORGE CLOONEY'S WIFE'S
COUSIN LIVES THERE.
OUR CLIENT
BRENTYL'S HOUSE IS AMAZING.
AND IF WE CAN SELL IT,
IT'LL HELP
OUR CHANCES
OF BECOMING PARTNERS.
Brentyl: SO, THIS WOULD BE
AN EXCELLENT PLACE
FOR SOMEBODY TO POST UP IN.
UH, LIKE I SAID,
UM, THERE'S VARIOUS PARTS
AND THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST ONES
I CAN THINK OF.
-Baxter: VARIOUS PARTS?
-Brentyl: YEAH, YEAH.
SO, THERE'S THIS ROOM.
I THINK THERE'S A ROOM UPSTAIRS.
THERE'S A ROOM, UH,
RIGHT IN THE LEFT WING.
UM, I'M WILLING TO PART
WITH ALL THOSE.
Baxter: WHAT?
WHY DON'T WE SELL
THIS WHOLE HOUSE,
AND YOU JUST RENT
A SMALLER HOUSE?
-'CAUSE WE CAN HELP YOU DO THAT.
-Andrew: YEAH.
Brentyl: OKAY, JUST PAY
ATTENTION TO THIS -- THIS THING.
-Baxter: OKAY.
-Andrew: OKAY.
-THIS IS MY HOUSE. ALL RIGHT?
-Baxter: MM-HMM.
-I DON'T NEED THIS WHOLE HOUSE.
-Andrew: YEAH.
Brentyl: I WANT TO SELL
PARTS OF THE HOUSE.
THOSE PEOPLE THAT BUY
THAT PART OF THE HOUSE --
THEY CAN HAVE IT.
IT'S THEIRS.
-NO. DONE.
-Baxter: WAIT.
Brentyl: IF -- IF --
IF IT SOUNDS CRAZY TO YOU,
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN THIS WAY,
OKAY?
IF I HAD A LIBRARY, RIGHT,
FULL OF BOOKS, ALL RIGHT,
AND I SOLD YOU ONE BOOK,
IS IT CRAZY, HUH, IF I WANT
TO KEEP THE REST OF MY BOOKS?
Baxter:
NO, THAT WOULDN'T BE CRAZY
IF YOU WANTED TO SELL A BOOK,
BUT IT WOULD BE CRAZY
IF YOU SOLD A PIECE OF A BOOK
THAT YOU WERE CURRENTLY READING,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
Andrew: LIKE, IF YOU WERE LIKE,
"I DON'T LIKE THIS CHAPTER.
Baxter: BECAUSE THE CHAPTER
MAKES -- THE BOOK MAKES NO SENSE
IF YOU SELL CHAPTER 4 THROUGH 6.
Brentyl:
BUT IF I'M DONE WITH THE BOOK,
WHY DON'T I GO AHEAD
AND SELL IT?
Baxter: WELL, ARE YOU DONE
WITH THIS WHOLE HOUSE?
-Brentyl: NO.
-Baxter: OKAY.
THEN YOU'RE NOT DONE
WITH THE BOOK.
YOU'VE STILL GOT
THE END PART TO GO.
LIKE, DID HE MURDER HER?
I'M DONE TALKING ABOUT BOOKS.
I THINK THIS IS TOO COMPLICATED
FOR US, ALL RIGHT?
Brentyl: I CAN SEE THAT,
BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
Baxter: NO,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TROUBLE
FINDING ANYONE TO DO THIS,
JUST SO YOU KNOW.
Brentyl: REALLY?
YOU REALLY THINK THAT?
Baxter: THANK YOU, BRENTYL.
THE HOUSE WAS GREAT.
Dirk: OH, DUDES, DUDES.
HEY, I SAW YOUR CARS OUT FRONT.
IS THIS YOUR PLACE?
CAN I BUY YOUR BATHROOM?
I HAVE TO TAKE A SHIT.
Andrew: NO WAY!
-Brentyl: LET'S TALK NUMBERS.
-Dirk: ALL RIGHT.
Brentyl: UM, 1.5?
Dirk: 1. 2.
Brentyl:
BATHROOM'S RIGHT OVER HERE.
Dirk:
THANK YOU. DEAL?
-Baxter: 1.2?
-Andrew: $1.2 MILLION?
-Brentyl: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
-Baxter: FOR THE BATHROOM?
Andrew:
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
Dirk:
♪ TAKING A BIG, OLD SHIT ♪
Andrew: DIRK, NO TOWELS.
Baxter: I LOVE DIRK.
HE IS THE BEST.
Andrew:
I HOPE HE SHITS FOREVER.
♪♪
Andrew:
DEAN'S ANNOUNCED THAT JERRY
IS READY WITH OUR PICTURES.
Baxter:
THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
Dean: WELL,
MY FRIENDS, I AM THRILLED
FOR YOU TO SEE THE PRODUCTS
OF JERRY'S LABOR.
Victoria: I AM TERRIFIED AT WHAT
MY PICTURE'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE.
Amir: [ SIGHS ]
THIS IS GONNA BE AWFUL.
Dean: BEHOLD!
Jerry: I THINK THIS IS
SOME OF MY FINEST WORK.
I CAPTURED THE FILTHY ANIMALS
THAT YOU ALL ARE.
WELCOME...
TO YOUR PORTRAITS.
-Baxter: WOW.
-Victoria: I AM AMAZED.
Chelsea: I'VE NEVER
LOOKED THAT GOOD.
Baxter: UNBELIEVABLE.
Victoria:
JERRY, I'M SMILING.
Andrew: JERRY!
-Victoria: OH, MY GOD!
-Andrew: THIS IS AWESOME!
Baxter: HOW DID YOU GET THIS?
Andrew: I WANT TO BUY
FROM THIS GUY.
Dean: DO YOU SEE
WHY I HIRED JERRY TO DO THIS?
HE HAS CAPTURED
THE DIVINE SPARK OF HUMANITY
THAT RESIDES WITHIN EACH OF YOU
AND BROUGHT IT OUT
TO YOUR WORLD.
-Baxter: OHH.
-Victoria: I MEAN, REPLACE --
REPLACE MY FACE.
BECAUSE MY PHOTO
PRACTICALLY SCREAMS, "PARTNER."
Jerry: I WILL LEAVE YOU
WITH ONE FINAL PICTURE.
AS I MENTIONED
TO DEAN EARLIER,
I'M REFUSING PAYMENT
FOR THIS JOB.
-Victoria: OHH.
-Baxter: WOW.
-Amir: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
-Andrew: NO.
Jerry: ALL I ASK IN RETURN
IS THAT YOU POST A PICTURE
OF ME ON YOUR HOMEPAGE.
-Amir: YES.
-Chelsea: DONE.
-Jerry: HERE IS THAT PICTURE.
-Amir: LET'S POST TWO.
Victoria: OH.
Baxter:
ARE THOSE GRAY BALLS?
Amir: I'M PRETTY SURE
THERE WAS COCAINE ON THEM.
Andrew: I'VE SEEN BIGGER
IN THE MIRROR.
Baxter: YEAH, HE HAS A PHOTO
OF AN INSPIRATIONAL PENIS
TAPED TO HIS MIRROR.
Andrew: I FOUND IT
IN A MAGAZINE.
Dean:
CAN I SEE THAT PICTURE?
WELL, CASSANDRA,
OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.
-Dean: THANK YOU, MAESTRO.
-Jerry: NAMASTE.
Cassandra: PLEASURE DOING DRUGS
WITH ALL OF YOU.
Dean:
GLENN, WHICH, UH, PHOTO
DID YOU SEND
TO THE BUS STOP BENCH AD PEOPLE?
Glenn: UH, I SENT, UH,
THAT PICTURE OF JERRY'S PENIS.
Dean: AND YOU DID LOOK
AT IT AND NOTE
THAT IT WAS A PICTURE
OF A MALE PENIS.
Glenn: DEAN,
CLASSIC MISUNDERSTANDING.
♪♪
Jerry: GORGEOUS.
THIS IS PERFECT.
NOW GIVE ME A BIG SMILE.
-OH, YEAH!
-Glenn: [ MUMBLES ]
Jerry: CASSIE,
GET ME THAT EIFFEL TOWER.
-Glenn: NO.
-Jerry: YEP.
-Glenn: NO.
-Jerry: YEP.
LET'S MAKE THIS INTERESTING.
-YEP. YEP.
-Glenn: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
Jerry: COME ON, GUY.
COME ON. COME ON.
HEY!
COME ON, YOU LITTLE RAT!
Chelsea:
LAST WEEK, DEAN REVEALED
AND NOW TODAY, HE'S CALLED
ANOTHER MANDATORY MEETING.
Dean:
AS YOU ALL HAVE SENSED,
THE PICTURES OF YOU
ON OUR WEBSITE
ARE TERRIBLE,
AND NO ONE LIKES THEM.
CHIEFLY, I DESPISE THEM.
Chelsea: OKAY, I GUESS
IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THIS PHOTO
IS SOMEHOW CONNECTED
TO THE PARTNERSHIP.
I DON'T KNOW.
Dean: SO I'VE REMEDIED
THAT SITUATION BY HIRING JERRY.
[ APPLAUSE ]
Andrew: WHOO!
Dean: HERE IS
A WORLD-FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER
THAT I MET DURING
NEW YORK FASHION WEEK.
-Jerry: OH-HO.
-Dean: WE WERE DRINKING ABSINTHE
IN A HOT-AIR BALLOON.
-Jerry: AH.
Dean: WATCHING THEM ALL
SCURRY ABOUT BELOW.
Amir: JERRY'S THE MOST IN-DEMAND
PHOTOGRAPHER IN THE BUSINESS.
HIS PICTURES ARE LIKE
AMERICAN APPAREL ADS
ON WHATEVER DRUG BILL COSBY HAD.
Dean: HIS CAREER BEGAN
SPEEDING DOWN A STREET
TRYING TO CATCH PICTURES
OF LADY DIANA.
Jerry: SHE WRECKED,
AND I GOT THE PICTURES.
FROM THEN ON,
I'VE BEEN TAKING PICTURES
OF THE LIVING AND THE DEAD
FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.
-Dean: SOMETIMES SIDE-BY-SIDE.
-Jerry: OH, YEAH.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WONDERING,
"JERRY, DO YOU HAVE PICTURES
OF NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON
AND RON GOLDMAN?"
YES, I DO.
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
WILL YOU SEE THEM?
YES, YOU WILL.
Victoria: WILL I GET TIRED
OF THE RHETORICAL QUESTIONS
HE INSISTS ON ANSWERING HIMSELF?
YES, I WILL.
Dean: JERRY AND HIS ASSISTANT,
CASSANDRA,
WILL BE TAKING PHOTOS OF YOU
THAT WILL BE
THE BEST PHOTOS OF YOU
THAT EVER WILL EXIST.
TREAT THIS MOMENT
WITH THE REVERENCE IT DESERVES.
-Dean: JERRY, YOUR SUBJECTS.
-Jerry: THANK YOU, DEAN.
[ LAUGHS ] WHAT A PILE OF SHIT
THAT GUY IS, RIGHT?
♪♪
Jerry: ALL RIGHT, SHIT-HEADS,
THIS IS HOW THIS IS GONNA WORK.
YOU'RE GONNA SUBMIT TO ME
AND MY ASSISTANT, CASSANDRA,
AND I'M GONNA TAKE
PICTURES OF YOU
THAT ARE GONNA MAKE YOUR
DICKS HARD AND YOUR PUSSIES WET.
HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
QUESTIONS? GO.
NOT YOU.
ANYBODY ELSE.
THIS GUY
IN THE BACK'S FREAKING ME OUT
BECAUSE I DIDN'T
SEE YOU AT ALL, MAN.
Cassandra: IT'S LIKE
HE'S BLENDING INTO THE CORNER.
Jerry: IT'S LIKE A WHITE GUY
ON A WHITE WALL.
I SHOULD TAKE
THAT PICTURE OF YOU, MAN.
YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.
Amir:
I COULD GO BY THE BLUE WALL.
Jerry:
GET OUT OF HERE. GO. GUY.
Andrew: COULD
YOU WALK ME JUST THROUGH
THE WARM-UP OR WHATEVER SO
I CAN STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY?
Jerry:
YOU'RE GONNA GET UP THERE.
I'M GONNA USE MY CAMERA DICK
TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOU.
-Andrew: YOUR WHAT?
-Jerry: I SAID MY CAMERA DICK.
-YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT?
-Andrew: NO.
-Jerry: YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
-Andrew: I ASSUME I WILL.
Jerry: IT'S BIG AND BLACK
AND TAKES GREAT PICS.
Andrew: HEY, WE'RE GOOD.
I'M VERY FRIGHTENED OF JERRY.
Baxter: YEAH,
THIS DUDE SEEMS CRAZY.
Cassandra:
THERE WE GO. THAT'S NICE.
-THERE WE GO.
-Jerry: THAT'S GOOD. MMM! MMM!
Cassandra: DOES ANYBODY ELSE
NEED SOMETHING TO RELAX?
Victoria: WHAT EXACTLY
IS CASSIE'S ROLE
IN THIS WHOLE THING?
Jerry:
PHOTOGRAPHER'S ASSISTANT.
Cassandra: THAT'S RIGHT.
Jerry: ANYTHING ELSE
THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
-Cassandra: RECRUITING.
-Jerry: ALL RIGHT.
ANY LAST QUESTIONS?
-Chelsea: I LIKE THIS.
-Jerry: NOT FROM YOU.
♪♪
Andrew: WE'RE SHOWING A HOUSE
TO OUR FRIEND FROM COLLEGE --
DIRK ST. HANCOCK.
Baxter: YEAH, DUMB NAME.
GREAT GUY, THOUGH.
Andrew: WE WERE IN
AN A CAPPELLA GROUP TOGETHER.
I'M NOT SURE
WHY WE DRIFTED APART.
Baxter: DIRK IS SUPER-RICH.
UH, HE INHERITED
ALL OF SPENCER'S GIFTS STORES.
Dirk: SO GOOD
TO SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN, MAN!
-GIVE ME SOME.
-Andrew: OW!
-Dirk: GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS.
-Andrew: YOU ARE STRONG!
Dirk:
OH, MY GOD, ONE MORE HUG.
ONE MORE HUG.
STILL HUGGING.
IT'S NOT A HUG
UNLESS NIPPLES ARE TOUCHING.
Baxter: THAT'S TRUE.
IT'S NIPPLES ON NIPPLES.
Andrew:
I FEEL LIKE YOU LOOK YOUNGER.
-Dirk: HUH?
-Andrew: YOU LOOK YOUNGER --
Baxter:
YEAH, YOU DO LOOK YOUNGER.
THAT COME BY IN THE MORNING
WHILE I'M STILL ASLEEP
AND IT'S AWESOME AND THEY --
Baxter: CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL
THE SPENCER'S GIFTS, BY THE WAY.
Andrew: THAT'S A LOT
OF SPENCER'S GIFTS.
Dirk: YOU INHERIT IT
FROM YOUR DEAD FATHER,
AND YOU SPEND ABOUT SIX MINUTES
BEING BUMMED OUT ABOUT THAT.
AND THEN YOU TAKE THE MONEY
AND YOU RUN.
YOU GUYS, THIS IS REALLY
WORKING OUT FOR YOU, HUH?
ARE YOU MAKING A LOT OF MONEY?
Both: UH...
Andrew: DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?
-SOMETIMES.
-Baxter: UH, YES.
Andrew: DIRK IS THE BEST.
I LOVE THAT GUY.
Baxter: HE IS SO GREAT.
Dirk: OH, THESE ACOUSTICS
ARE SWINGING IN HERE.
Dirk: I LIKE THAT
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪
Andrew: ♪ DOO-PA-DOO-DOO ♪
Dirk: ♪ DOO-PA-DOO-DOO ♪
-♪ DOO-PA-DOO-DOO ♪
-Andrew: ♪ SHE HAD ♪
♪ SHE HAD, MY LADY, SHE HAD ♪
♪ SHE HAD MY LADY ♪
♪ BA-DA-PA-DA-DOO,
BUT THEN I LOST HER ♪
-Baxter: WE USED TO KILL IT.
-Dirk: WE STILL GOT IT.
Andrew: YOU GOT IT.
Baxter: THANK GOD WE HAD
SOME OTHER SINGERS.
Dirk:
YOU WERE ALWAYS RIGHT ON KEY.
YOU WERE ALWAYS JUST
A LITTLE BIT OFF-KEY.
YOU WOULD GET IT
ONCE IN A WHILE.
SO FUCKING GOOD
TO SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN, BUD.
Andrew: OW!
I THINK IT WAS JUST
THE ACOUSTICS IN THAT KITCHEN.
Andrew: YEAH, I THINK
IT WAS THE ACOUSTICS.
♪♪
Victoria: DEAN SWEARS
JERRY'S A LEGEND.
I ASSUME HE MEANS AT DOING
DRUGS AND AMASSING LAWSUITS.
Jerry: [ INHALES DEEPLY ]
Victoria: DOES THAT AFFECT
THE CAMERA, OR...
Jerry: I HAVE TO CHANGE
THE SETTINGS BASED ON SMELL.
THEY'RE NOT JUST GONNA SEE YOU.
THEY'RE GONNA SMELL YOU.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]
Victoria: LIKE
A SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF, OR --
Jerry: YOU'RE A CAT.
KITTY CAT.
-Victoria: RAWR.
-Jerry: JUNGLE CAT.
-Victoria: [ HISSES ]
-Jerry: YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]
-THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?
-Cassandra: THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
-Jerry: YOU'RE NOT SEXY, THOUGH.
-Victoria: OH, OKAY.
Jerry: YOU'RE NOT SEXY.
YOU'RE A THREAT.
YOU'RE THE CAT
THAT KILLED THE DAD
IN "THE LION KING."
Victoria: THIS GUY IS INSANE,
BUT IF IT'LL GET ME
THE PARTNERSHIP,
I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.
Jerry:
YOU'RE A CORPSE. GO.
HERE WE GO.
OH, YEAH.
BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFUL!
COME ON!
COME ON! YOU'RE NOT DYING!
YOU'RE DEAD! DEAD!
Victoria:
HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN DEAD?
Jerry:
YOU'RE DEAD SIX WEEKS.
YOU'RE NOT IN THE GROUND YET.
THEY'RE KEEPING YOU
IN A DRAWER IN THE MORGUE
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT SURE
WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, YOU'RE A CORPSE
ON A TV SHOW.
THEY'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU,
BUT THE GUY THAT WORKS
ON THE FISH MARKET
WON'T GIVE UP
THAT HE SAW YOU THAT NIGHT.
-OH, YEAH.
-Cassandra: WAIT, JERRY,
LET ME JUST CHECK YOUR HAIR
REAL QUICK.
Jerry: YEAH, HOLD ON.
HOLD ON.
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
LET'S DO THIS.
Victoria: CASSANDRA,
HOW DOES MY HAIR LOOK?
-Cassandra: I DON'T CARE.
-Jerry: Shh, shh, shh, shh.
-YOU'RE DEAD.
-Victoria: OKAY.
Jerry:
WHY WON'T SHE STAY DEAD?
DO WE HAVE ANYTHING TO GIVE HER
TO KILL HER FOR LIKE A MINUTE?
Cassandra:
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, FOR SURE.
Victoria: NO, I CAN PLAY IT.
LISTEN.
Jerry: WE CAN O.D. YOU...
Victoria: NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T NEED IT.
Jerry: ...AND THEN GIVE YOU
A SHOT IN THE HEART.
Victoria:
I DON'T NEED IT. WHAT?!
YEAH, THIS IS GETTING
REALLY CREEPY.
CASSANDRA'S FANNY PACK IS LIKE
A MARY POPPINS BAG FOR PILLS.
Jerry: COME ON.
LICK THE LENS.
YEAH.
THIS IS GOOD.
Victoria: BUT YOU'RE NOT TAKING
ANY PICTURES.
Jerry: NO, IT'S HARD TO FOCUS.
I JUST LIKE THIS.
YEAH.
-OH, YOU DIRTY LITTLE GIRL.
-Victoria: OKAY.
WELL, NOW WE'RE NOT EVEN
USING THE CAMERA.
Jerry: YOU LIKE THAT?
Victoria: DOES CASSANDRA
STAY HERE FOR THIS?
Jerry: IT WAS ABOUT
TAKING A PICTURE.
WE'RE DONE.
♪♪
Amir: I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT
OPEN HOUSE TODAY
AND CAN'T AFFORD
FOR ANYTHING TO GO WRONG.
FORTUNATELY,
OPEN HOUSES ARE MY SPECIALTY,
MUCH LIKE SUITS AND MUSIC
ARE PITBULL'S SPECIALTY.
THERE'S A HOMELESS PERSON
SQUATTING IN MY OPEN HOUSE?
WHAT THE HELL?!
HEY! HEY!
-Woman: WHAT IS IT?
-Amir: WHAT THE FUCK?!
-Woman: WHAT?
-Amir: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Woman: HUH? WHAT?
NOBODY'S IN HERE.
Amir: I HAVE AN OPEN HOUSE
IN 15 MINUTES.
YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
SHE SMELLS LIKE A SHIT
FUCKED AN EGG-SALAD SANDWICH.
THAT SAID,
THIS GIVES ME AN IDEA.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
Amir:
YOU WANT TO MAKE SOME MONEY?
-Woman: YEAH, OF COURSE I DO.
-Amir: OKAY.
I COULD USE YOU TO MESS UP
MY COMPETITORS' OPEN HOUSES.
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE OPEN HOUSE,
AND YOU STAY THERE.
RESPECTABLE PEOPLE
ARE GONNA COME IN.
THEY'RE GONNA SEE YOU.
THEY'RE GONNA SMELL YOU.
Woman: COME ON.
I'M NOT THAT...
MUCH OF A MONSTER.
Amir: SHE IS EXACTLY
THAT MUCH OF A MONSTER.
Woman: I CAN DO
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I CAN CALL PEOPLE THE N-WORD.
-Amir: NO.
-Woman: I CAN -- NO?
-Amir: WELL, MAYBE.
-Woman: I MEAN,
HEY, HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT THIS?
Amir: MM,
I DO MILLION-DOLLAR NEGOTIATIONS
BEFORE BREAKFAST ON SUNDAY.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE HOLLY HOBO
AND HER BAG OF PISS CANS.
I NEED TO BE
REALLY CLEAR ON THIS.
Woman: WHAT?
Amir: I DON'T WANT
YOU TO KILL ANYBODY.
Woman: DON'T WANT ME
TO KILL ANYBODY.
YOU WANT ME TO KILL
A CERTAIN SOMEBODY.
-I CAN DO THAT. I CAN DO THAT.
-Amir: NO, I DON'T --
Woman: BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I WAS A MARINE.
Amir:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
DON'T KILL ANYBODY.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'LL GIVE YOU 40 BUCKS
IF YOU PROMISE NOT
TO KILL ANYBODY.
Woman: $50.
I WANT TWO OF THOSE BURRITOS
FROM 7-ELEVEN
THAT ARE CALLED "DA BOMB."
AND THEN I WANT
A GENUINE HUG FROM YOU.
Amir: HA.
-OKAY.
-Woman: YEAH?
Amir: I'LL GIVE YOU $60.
YOU CAN GO BUY
THE BURRITO YOURSELF.
-NO HUG.
-Woman: $60.
YOU HAVE TO KISS ME
ON MY LIPS.
Amir:
THAT'S MORE THAN A HUG.
Woman: $1, FIVE KISSES,
A 30-SECOND GENUINE HUG.
FIVE KISSES.
ONE.
MM, TWO.
THREE, FOUR.
FIVE.
THEN A 30-SECOND GENUINE HUG.
WE DO "MISSISSIPPI"
WHERE I COME FROM.
Amir: OH, FUCK.
Woman: ONE MISSISSIPPI,
-YOU HAVE TO SPEED IT UP.
-Woman: I'M COUNTING.
THREE MISSISSIPPI...
Amir: OHH.
Woman: ...FOUR MISSISS--
OH, YEAH.
Amir: OKAY. OKAY.
-Woman: EIGHT MISSISSIPPI.
-Amir: I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
OHH!
YOU GOT TO LEAVE.
YOU GOT TO LEAVE.
YOU GOT TO GO. IT'S DONE.
-DONE, DONE. NO DEAL. NO DEAL.
-Woman: OKAY.
Amir: KEEP THE MONEY.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
-Woman: OKAY.
-Amir: GO. GO.
-Woman: YOU OKAY?
-Amir: [ SPITS ] OH, MY GOD!
Woman: OH, DON'T SPIT
ON MY TREASURE!
QUIT SPITTING ON MY TREASURE!
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU STREET RAT!
GET OUT OF HERE!
Amir: IT COST 8 GRAND TO GET THE
PISS STAINS OUT OF THAT CARPET.
GOD, I HOPE THAT WAS PISS.
♪♪
Baxter:
WELL, WE ARE STILL TRYING
TO SELL THIS HOUSE
TO OUR "FRIEND" DIRK.
Andrew: YEAH, I FORGET HOW MUCH
HE LIKES TO JOKE AROUND. UH...
Dirk: I LOVE YOUR LOOK, MAN.
NOT ALL THE GUYS CAN PULL OFF
A LESBIAN ICE-SKATER HAIRCUT,
BUT YOU CAN.
AND THE PANTS.
BOLD.
Baxter:
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY PANTS?
-Andrew: THEY ARE KIND OF TIGHT.
-Baxter: HUH?
Dirk: THIS IS GOOD.
THIS IS GOOD, TOO.
A LITTLE -- A LITTLE THIN.
I GIVE THAT FOUR YEARS.
Andrew: HEY,
I'M NOT GOING BALD, AM I?
Baxter: NO. NO, YOU JUST
HAVE AN AGGRESSIVE FOREHEAD.
Andrew: THANK YOU.
Dirk: SO, WHAT'S NEW? YOU GUYS
JUST MAKING IT WORK, HUH?
Andrew:
WE'RE NO DIRK ST. HANCOCK...
Baxter: NO DIRK ST. HANCOCK.
Andrew: ...BUT WE'RE DOING
WHAT WE CAN.
♪ DOING WHAT WE ♪
Together: ♪ CAN ♪
♪ WE'RE DOING WHAT WE CAN ♪
Dirk: ♪ SHARP, FLAT ♪
-Andrew: ♪ NAILED IT ♪
-Baxter: ♪ NAILED IT ♪
Dirk:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SPEAKING OF NAILING,
I GOT TO GO TAKE A GIANT SHIT.
DO YOU GUYS KNOW
WHERE THE COMMODE IS?
Baxter:
YEAH, RIGHT DOWN THERE.
Dirk:
YEAH, I GOT TO DROP SOME HEAT.
I'LL SEE YOU GUYS IN A SECOND.
I'LL FIND IT.
Baxter: ALL RIGHT. COOL.
DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE
A LESBIAN ICE SKATER?
Andrew: MY HAIR'S THINNING?
HE GAVE ME FOUR YEARS.
Baxter: NO,
YOUR HAIR'S VERY THICK.
Andrew: WHAT, I'M GONNA
BE DANNY DeVITO IN FOUR YEARS.
Baxter:
WE'LL GET YOU PROPECIA.
YOU CAN FIX THAT.
I CAN'T FIX --
Andrew: LESBIAN HAIR?
ARE YOU THAT COMMITTED TO IT?
Baxter: I MEAN, WHAT,
I GROW IT LONGER,
AND I JUST LOOK LIKE
A REGULAR LADY?
A LADY OR A LESBIAN LADY?
THOSE ARE MY TWO LOOKS?
Andrew:
THEY'RE TWO GOOD LOOKS.
THAT'S BETTER
THAN DANNY DeVITO.
Dirk:
♪ TAKIN' A BIG, OLD SHIT ♪
Andrew and Baxter:
♪ TAKIN' A BIG, OLD SHIT ♪
Dirk:
♪ TAKIN' A BIG, OLD SHIT ♪
-Andrew: I DON'T KNOW --
-Baxter: ♪ BIG, OLD SHIT ♪
Dirk: ♪ FLAT, FLAT ♪
Baxter: WE WERE NOT FLAT.
Andrew: ♪ SOUNDED GOOD ♪
Baxter: HE IS FLAT.
OH, YEAH. HOW DID WE FORGET?
DIRK IS AN ASSHOLE.
Andrew:
WE'VE ALWAYS HATED THIS GUY.
-Baxter: HEY, DIRKY.
-Andrew: HEY!
Dirk: WHAT'S UP?
I'M TAKING THIS HOUSE.
Dirk: AND NOT JUST BECAUSE
I THINK I BROKE THE SHITTER,
BUT I LOVE THIS PLACE.
AND ALSO, YOU GUYS COULD
CERTAINLY USE THE MONEY.
-SO I'M DOING IT, TAKING IT.
-Andrew: GREAT.
THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER.
I'M GONNA GO CHECK OUT THE POOL.
-Andrew: ALL RIGHT.
-Dirk: OH, SWEET!
LOTUS BLOSSOMS.
Baxter: HE'S ABOUT
TO PEE IN THE POOL.
HE'S PEEING.
DON'T PEE IN IT.
THANKS FOR THE SALE, DIRK.
-WE SHOULD CALL HIM.
-Andrew: WE SHOULD. WE WILL.
♪♪
Chelsea: I WANTED TO IMPRESS A
VERY IMPORTANT POTENTIAL CLIENT,
SO I GOT US LUNCH AT THE MOST
EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN L.A.
IT WASN'T EASY.
I HAD TO R.T. THE OWNER.
Glenn: HEY, CHELSEA.
Cassandra: UH,
WHAT IS GLENN DOING HERE,
AND HOW DID HE EVEN
GET INTO THE RESTAURANT?
OR ZIP CODE?
OH, I'M ACTUALLY WAITING
FOR A CLIENT.
Glenn: OH, YEAH.
UM, I AM YOUR CLIENT.
Chelsea:
YOU SENT ME THE E-MAIL EARLIER?
Glenn: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
THAT WAS ME.
I'M YOUR CLIENT,
AND I WANT TO SPEND
SOME QUALITY TIME TOGETHER
WITH YOU TELLING ME
WHY I SHOULD BUY
THIS BEAUTIFUL PROPERTY.
Chelsea: OKAY.
Chelsea: GREAT. I SHOULD HAVE
REALIZED THAT WAS A FAKE PERSON.
PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE --
WHICH STEP IN THE TRANSITION
TO BECOMING A SERIAL KILLER
IS THAT?
OKAY, GLENN,
SO, YOU WANT TO BUY A HOUSE?
-Glenn: UH-HUH.
-Chelsea: GREAT.
UH, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
Glenn: UM, I WANT A WIFE
WHO LOOKS GREAT IN, UM,
SPARKLY, STRIPED SWEATERS
AND, UH, CRISP WHITE COLLARS...
Chelsea: OKAY.
WELL, THANK YOU.
Glenn: ...AND, UH, LIKES
TO MAKE LOVE IN THE MORNINGS.
Chelsea: OH, WELL, HEY.
LOOKS LIKE I'VE GOT
ANOTHER STALKER.
WHAT DO YOU ENVISION
THAT THE HOME LOOKS LIKE
FROM THE FRONT?
Glenn:
SHE'S GOT HIGH CHEEKBONES.
-Chelsea: NOT THE PERSON.
-Glenn: SOFT.
Chelsea:
DON'T TALK ABOUT THE WOMAN.
Glenn: DARK OLIVE SKIN,
LIKE KALAMATA OLIVES,
BUT WITHOUT
THE PURPLE HUE TO IT.
-Chelsea: HOW MANY BATHROOMS?
-Glenn: UM, WHO CARES?
JUST TO HOLD A SHIT IN.
Chelsea:
BUT WHAT IF YOUR WIFE
NEEDS A PLACE TO PUT ON
HER MAKEUP, DO HER HAIR?
Glenn: UH,
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO THINK
ABOUT WHAT MY WIFE'S
GONNA DO IN A BATHROOM.
Chelsea: YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY
IMPORTANT TO A LOT OF WOMEN.
THAT'S KIND
OF LIKE A SANCTUARY --
TO BE ABLE TO STAND
IN FRONT OF A MIRROR
AND JUST KIND OF, LIKE,
PRAISE ONESELF.
Glenn: OH, YEAH,
WELL, I WANT HER
TO BE ABLE TO PRAISE HERSELF
AND, YOU KNOW...
-Chelsea: GREAT.
-Glenn: ...FEEL LOVE FROM ME
AS WELL AS INTERNALLY
FROM HERSELF.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT HER B.M.s.
Chelsea: IT'S TIME
TO END THIS LITTLE FANTASY.
GUYS LIKE GLENN DON'T GET
TO DATE GIRLS LIKE ME
WITHOUT WINNING A CONTEST.
HEY, GLENN, I THINK I KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
Chelsea: YOU KNOW,
IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE,
THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS
TO TELL HER THAT,
OTHER THAN, YOU KNOW,
CREATING A FAKE E-MAIL ACCOUNT
AND MAKING HER THINK THAT
SHE'S GONNA MAKE A BIG SALE.
Glenn: I -- WHOA,
THAT'S REALLY PRESUMPTUOUS.
I WAS NOT TALKING
ABOUT YOU AT ALL, OKAY?
-Chelsea: OKAY. GREAT.
-Glenn: YOU'RE DISGUSTING TO ME.
-Chelsea: OH. OKAY.
-Glenn: YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
-YOU'RE GROSS TO ME.
-Chelsea: SUITS ME FINE.
SO YOU DON'T HAVE
A CRUSH ON ME AT ALL?
-Glenn: NO. NOT AT ALL. NO.
-Chelsea: NO.
I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU, OKAY?
YOU'RE A COLLEAGUE.
Chelsea: WE'RE COLLEAGUES.
WE CAN WORK TOGETHER.
Glenn: AND, UM, NO.
I'M NOT --
OH, YEAH, I'M TOTALLY INTO HER.
♪♪
Andrew: JERRY THE PHOTOGRAPHER'S
METHODS
MAY NOT BE FOR EVERYONE.
Baxter: BUT, BOY, OH, BOY,
THEY ARE FOR US.
-Jerry: COME ON, HORSY.
-Baxter: ALL RIGHT.
-Jerry: YEAH.
-Baxter: HERE WE GO!
Jerry: OOH, THIS IS GOOD.
OH, THAT'S PERFECT.
THAT'S PERFECT.
-I LOVE THIS.
-Baxter: LET'S KEEP GOING!
-GO FAST!
-Jerry: OKAY.
-Baxter: GO FAST!
-Jerry: OKAY.
THE RACE IS OVER, OKAY?
-Baxter: WE LOST.
-Jerry: HE BROKE HIS LEG.
SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SHOOT
THE HORSE. YOU READY?
Baxter: I NEVER WANTED
TO DO THIS, SUGAR PUFF.
-SUGAR PUFF, I --
-Jerry: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!
-Baxter: SUGAR PUFF!
-Jerry: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!
SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!
Baxter: AAH! HE'S DEAD.
I ALWAYS KNEW
ANDREW WAS A BOTTOM.
Andrew: AS A HORSE.
I MEAN, AS A HUMAN,
I'D BE A TOP.
HORSE -- BOTTOM, HUMAN -- TOP.
Baxter: LIKE A CENTAUR.
Andrew: EXACTLY.
Jerry: ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
WHY DON'T WE GET YOU
ON YOUR KNEES
LOOKING RIGHT UP AT ME,
ALL RIGHT?
Chelsea: JERRY IS INTIMIDATING
BUT I BET I KNOW HOW TO FIND
HIS SOFT, HAIRY UNDERBELLY.
OH, MY GOD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THAT THING YOU DID
WITH YOUR EYEBROWS WAS SO FUNNY.
WAIT, CAN YOU DO THAT AGAIN
SO I CAN PUT IT ON INSTAGRAM?
-Jerry: WHAT?
-Chelsea: YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT.
Jerry: ALL RIGHT,
BUT LET'S GET BACK TO YOU, OKAY?
I WANT YOU ON YOUR BACK,
LEGS IN THE AIR.
Chelsea: OH, MY GOD, THAT
HAND MOVEMENT RIGHT THERE --
LIKE BRADLEY COOPER
WHEN YOU DID THAT.
-DO IT ONE MORE TIME.
-Jerry: COOP?
-Chelsea: THE COOP.
-Jerry: HE'S A GOOD FRIEND.
Chelsea: YOU SHOULD STAND HERE.
THE LIGHTING'S WAY BETTER.
YOU GUYS HAVE DONE
A BEAUTIFUL JOB.
AND THEN WE'RE GETTING BACK
TO YOU, OKAY, CHELSEA?
Chelsea: UM, NOW,
WHY DON'T YOU TURN AROUND
AND STICK YOUR BUTT WAY OUT?
BUT LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER
LIKE,
"WHO'S KNOCKING AT MY DOOR?
A SUITOR?"
Jerry: BELIEVE ME, I THINK
I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
Chelsea: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, PRO.
OKAY, AND THEN
SHAKE YOUR BUTT SIDE-TO-SIDE,
BUT MORE UP THAN --
BUT MORE UP THAN DOWN.
Jerry: WAIT,
ARE YOU TAKING A VIDEO?
Chelsea: OH, GOOD IDEA.
NOW I WANT YOU TO,
UM, SHAKE YOUR --
SHAKE YOUR CURLY LOCKS.
STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE.
AND THEN I JUST WANT YOU TO,
LIKE, RUB YOUR OWN ASS,
BUT IN A CIRCLE.
-AND THREE, TWO, ONE, SMILE!
-Jerry: YEAH!
-Chelsea: OKAY.
-Jerry: OHH.
Chelsea: I THINK WE GOT IT.
I'M GONNA SELL THESE
TO DARKANDHAIRY. COM.
THAT'S A REAL FETISH SITE.
DO NOT SEARCH IT.
TRUST ME.
Amir: [ CLAPS HANDS ]
AMIR'S IN THE HOUSE.
-LET'S DO THIS.
-Cassandra: OH, YEAH.
Amir: I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED
TO SHOOT WITH JERRY.
THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE.
Jerry: TELL HIM I WANT HIM
TO BRING OVER,
LIKE, INDUSTRIAL-GRADE FIREWORKS
TO THE APARTMENT TONIGHT.
Cassandra: OKAY.
LIKE, A CASE OR SOMETHING?
Amir: SO EXCITED FOR THIS.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
Jerry: YOU'RE DONE. SCRAM.
CALL THOSE TWINS FROM LAST WEEK.
WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES?
Cassandra:
UH, REGINA AND RAGINA.
NO, GIVE ME REGINA
BUT NOT RAGINA.
-Cassandra: OKAY.
-Jerry: I WAS NOT A FAN OF HER.
♪♪
Andrew: SO, WE GET A CALL
FOR A POTENTIAL NEW LISTING
IN A SUPER-ELITE NEIGHBORHOOD.
Baxter: GEORGE CLOONEY'S WIFE'S
COUSIN LIVES THERE.
OUR CLIENT
BRENTYL'S HOUSE IS AMAZING.
AND IF WE CAN SELL IT,
IT'LL HELP
OUR CHANCES
OF BECOMING PARTNERS.
Brentyl: SO, THIS WOULD BE
AN EXCELLENT PLACE
FOR SOMEBODY TO POST UP IN.
UH, LIKE I SAID,
UM, THERE'S VARIOUS PARTS
AND THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST ONES
I CAN THINK OF.
-Baxter: VARIOUS PARTS?
-Brentyl: YEAH, YEAH.
SO, THERE'S THIS ROOM.
I THINK THERE'S A ROOM UPSTAIRS.
THERE'S A ROOM, UH,
RIGHT IN THE LEFT WING.
UM, I'M WILLING TO PART
WITH ALL THOSE.
Baxter: WHAT?
WHY DON'T WE SELL
THIS WHOLE HOUSE,
AND YOU JUST RENT
A SMALLER HOUSE?
-'CAUSE WE CAN HELP YOU DO THAT.
-Andrew: YEAH.
Brentyl: OKAY, JUST PAY
ATTENTION TO THIS -- THIS THING.
-Baxter: OKAY.
-Andrew: OKAY.
-THIS IS MY HOUSE. ALL RIGHT?
-Baxter: MM-HMM.
-I DON'T NEED THIS WHOLE HOUSE.
-Andrew: YEAH.
Brentyl: I WANT TO SELL
PARTS OF THE HOUSE.
THOSE PEOPLE THAT BUY
THAT PART OF THE HOUSE --
THEY CAN HAVE IT.
IT'S THEIRS.
-NO. DONE.
-Baxter: WAIT.
Brentyl: IF -- IF --
IF IT SOUNDS CRAZY TO YOU,
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN THIS WAY,
OKAY?
IF I HAD A LIBRARY, RIGHT,
FULL OF BOOKS, ALL RIGHT,
AND I SOLD YOU ONE BOOK,
IS IT CRAZY, HUH, IF I WANT
TO KEEP THE REST OF MY BOOKS?
Baxter:
NO, THAT WOULDN'T BE CRAZY
IF YOU WANTED TO SELL A BOOK,
BUT IT WOULD BE CRAZY
IF YOU SOLD A PIECE OF A BOOK
THAT YOU WERE CURRENTLY READING,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
Andrew: LIKE, IF YOU WERE LIKE,
"I DON'T LIKE THIS CHAPTER.
Baxter: BECAUSE THE CHAPTER
MAKES -- THE BOOK MAKES NO SENSE
IF YOU SELL CHAPTER 4 THROUGH 6.
Brentyl:
BUT IF I'M DONE WITH THE BOOK,
WHY DON'T I GO AHEAD
AND SELL IT?
Baxter: WELL, ARE YOU DONE
WITH THIS WHOLE HOUSE?
-Brentyl: NO.
-Baxter: OKAY.
THEN YOU'RE NOT DONE
WITH THE BOOK.
YOU'VE STILL GOT
THE END PART TO GO.
LIKE, DID HE MURDER HER?
I'M DONE TALKING ABOUT BOOKS.
I THINK THIS IS TOO COMPLICATED
FOR US, ALL RIGHT?
Brentyl: I CAN SEE THAT,
BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
Baxter: NO,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TROUBLE
FINDING ANYONE TO DO THIS,
JUST SO YOU KNOW.
Brentyl: REALLY?
YOU REALLY THINK THAT?
Baxter: THANK YOU, BRENTYL.
THE HOUSE WAS GREAT.
Dirk: OH, DUDES, DUDES.
HEY, I SAW YOUR CARS OUT FRONT.
IS THIS YOUR PLACE?
CAN I BUY YOUR BATHROOM?
I HAVE TO TAKE A SHIT.
Andrew: NO WAY!
-Brentyl: LET'S TALK NUMBERS.
-Dirk: ALL RIGHT.
Brentyl: UM, 1.5?
Dirk: 1. 2.
Brentyl:
BATHROOM'S RIGHT OVER HERE.
Dirk:
THANK YOU. DEAL?
-Baxter: 1.2?
-Andrew: $1.2 MILLION?
-Brentyl: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
-Baxter: FOR THE BATHROOM?
Andrew:
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
Dirk:
♪ TAKING A BIG, OLD SHIT ♪
Andrew: DIRK, NO TOWELS.
Baxter: I LOVE DIRK.
HE IS THE BEST.
Andrew:
I HOPE HE SHITS FOREVER.
♪♪
Andrew:
DEAN'S ANNOUNCED THAT JERRY
IS READY WITH OUR PICTURES.
Baxter:
THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
Dean: WELL,
MY FRIENDS, I AM THRILLED
FOR YOU TO SEE THE PRODUCTS
OF JERRY'S LABOR.
Victoria: I AM TERRIFIED AT WHAT
MY PICTURE'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE.
Amir: [ SIGHS ]
THIS IS GONNA BE AWFUL.
Dean: BEHOLD!
Jerry: I THINK THIS IS
SOME OF MY FINEST WORK.
I CAPTURED THE FILTHY ANIMALS
THAT YOU ALL ARE.
WELCOME...
TO YOUR PORTRAITS.
-Baxter: WOW.
-Victoria: I AM AMAZED.
Chelsea: I'VE NEVER
LOOKED THAT GOOD.
Baxter: UNBELIEVABLE.
Victoria:
JERRY, I'M SMILING.
Andrew: JERRY!
-Victoria: OH, MY GOD!
-Andrew: THIS IS AWESOME!
Baxter: HOW DID YOU GET THIS?
Andrew: I WANT TO BUY
FROM THIS GUY.
Dean: DO YOU SEE
WHY I HIRED JERRY TO DO THIS?
HE HAS CAPTURED
THE DIVINE SPARK OF HUMANITY
THAT RESIDES WITHIN EACH OF YOU
AND BROUGHT IT OUT
TO YOUR WORLD.
-Baxter: OHH.
-Victoria: I MEAN, REPLACE --
REPLACE MY FACE.
BECAUSE MY PHOTO
PRACTICALLY SCREAMS, "PARTNER."
Jerry: I WILL LEAVE YOU
WITH ONE FINAL PICTURE.
AS I MENTIONED
TO DEAN EARLIER,
I'M REFUSING PAYMENT
FOR THIS JOB.
-Victoria: OHH.
-Baxter: WOW.
-Amir: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
-Andrew: NO.
Jerry: ALL I ASK IN RETURN
IS THAT YOU POST A PICTURE
OF ME ON YOUR HOMEPAGE.
-Amir: YES.
-Chelsea: DONE.
-Jerry: HERE IS THAT PICTURE.
-Amir: LET'S POST TWO.
Victoria: OH.
Baxter:
ARE THOSE GRAY BALLS?
Amir: I'M PRETTY SURE
THERE WAS COCAINE ON THEM.
Andrew: I'VE SEEN BIGGER
IN THE MIRROR.
Baxter: YEAH, HE HAS A PHOTO
OF AN INSPIRATIONAL PENIS
TAPED TO HIS MIRROR.
Andrew: I FOUND IT
IN A MAGAZINE.
Dean:
CAN I SEE THAT PICTURE?
WELL, CASSANDRA,
OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.
-Dean: THANK YOU, MAESTRO.
-Jerry: NAMASTE.
Cassandra: PLEASURE DOING DRUGS
WITH ALL OF YOU.
Dean:
GLENN, WHICH, UH, PHOTO
DID YOU SEND
TO THE BUS STOP BENCH AD PEOPLE?
Glenn: UH, I SENT, UH,
THAT PICTURE OF JERRY'S PENIS.
Dean: AND YOU DID LOOK
AT IT AND NOTE
THAT IT WAS A PICTURE
OF A MALE PENIS.
Glenn: DEAN,
CLASSIC MISUNDERSTANDING.
♪♪
Jerry: GORGEOUS.
THIS IS PERFECT.
NOW GIVE ME A BIG SMILE.
-OH, YEAH!
-Glenn: [ MUMBLES ]
Jerry: CASSIE,
GET ME THAT EIFFEL TOWER.
-Glenn: NO.
-Jerry: YEP.
-Glenn: NO.
-Jerry: YEP.
LET'S MAKE THIS INTERESTING.
-YEP. YEP.
-Glenn: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
Jerry: COME ON, GUY.
COME ON. COME ON.
HEY!
COME ON, YOU LITTLE RAT!