Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 10 - Found Money - full transcript

Expensive food...
It just tastes
so much better.

(LAUGHTER)
Do I know how to host
a birthday party or what?

Yes!
Just one problem...
Waiter?

Can we get
another bottle?

Something from
that locked cabinet.

It's present time.

(ALL WHOOPING)

Happy birthday, Denise.
It's from all of us!

Thank you.

(GASPS)

Ranch of the Forbidden 2.



Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

This isn't even out yet.

Frank sat next
to the author

on a flight back
from Paris.

Mary Grace Gibbs
is actually

a 65-year-old
black man

named
Marvin Headley.

Shut up.
No way!

I couldn't even put down the
first Ranch of the Forbidden.

How hot was
Jessica's affair with
the ranch hand?

Oh, so hot!

Wait, what's, uh, Ranch
of the Forbidden again?

This trashy novel. We just
read it for our book club.

You guys are
reading books now?



(LAUGHTER)

Okay, five-way split.

Everyone pays
but the birthday girl.

Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Um, Brie?

You said that
you were hosting.

And "hosting"
means paying.

I just to pay when
I used to host things.

Remember that
going-away party I
threw for your B cups?

Oh, well, this is just
how we've been doing it.

Just so everyone
can get the miles.

Don't worry. I'll cover you.

Thanks.

Does anyone want gum?

♪ Nah, nah-nah,
nah, nah, nah

♪ Nah-nah, nah-nah

♪ I am a fascination

♪ I'm here to blow your mind

♪ I'll give 'em education

♪ Give me the wine and dine

♪ Hey!

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah

♪ Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! ♪

Welcome to the
informational meeting

for our annual trip
to Sacramento.

This meeting is
mandatory for teachers.

What are you guys
doing here?

Well, I made Poppy
come with me.

She's lucky enough
not to have a stepdaughter.

(SNORING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

It's okay. I can
wait all night.

Listen to Ginny, everyone!

(FEEDBACK SCREECHES)

GINNY:
Thank you, Kim.

This trip will be perfect

because, of course,
I planned it.

Now, some of our students
led by Lily Parker,

president of our
Junior Politicians Club,

have been selling
candy bars

to raise extra money
to pay for the trip.

Lily?

To the early settlers,

Sacramento was but a
small town along the river.

Uh...
Thank you, Lily.

Good job.

Okay, so,

tomorrow, I'm going to be
depositing the money raised,

and any child who has
not met their minimum

will not be
allowed on the bus.

Yep, some child's
left behind.

All right, Principal Carl.

Oh, Mere, Lily is, like,
obsessed with this trip,

so I bought all 80 of her
candy bars if you want some.

She was gonna give them
to a homeless shelter,

but you're homeless
in her very own backyard.

(LAUGHS)

Great, I'll eat
all of them,

and then you and I
can share clothes.

(STOPS LAUGHING)

CARL:
Long story short...

Nixon is no longer welcome
at Shakey's Pizza.

That is why we felt the need
for more parent chaperones.

Oh, my God, Brie!

You should be
a parent chaperone!

We can sneak in booze

and sneak out
to go meet cute boys.

I can't.

Bummer, it's our Hos on Snow
ski trip that weekend.

"Hos on Snow"?

That's our funnest
party of the year.
Why wasn't I invited?

We assumed
you couldn't afford it.

Especially after that dinner.

We all saw you
take that butter.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Hey. Coach Kotsky?
Hey.

Listen, as someone
in the know,

have you heard of a Subway
location that serves alcohol?

I'm pretty sure
none of them do.

Oh, well, I read
on a foodie blog

that one of them
secretly did.

Anywho, just looking
to find a place

to grab a brewski
and a bite to eat.

My roommate
Ron's out of town.

He is a total bastard.

But he does most
of the cooking, so...

What are you doing tonight?

I'm just heading
to Juanita's with
the coaches.

Doing our thing.

I'd love to join!
Oh!

There's a thought.

Um, I'm not sure if you
would have fun, though.

You know, we drink
and hit on women,

and it gets pretty
rowdy, so...

Well, I am looking
to get back in the saddle.

I mean, do they even
still call it that?

Count me in.
How about that?

You're, you're coming.
Oh, listen.

Do you know if Juanita's
serves a foot-long
cold cut combo?

I...
Ah, I'll find something.

(GROANS)

(MEREDITH CLEARS THROAT)

Joel, no big deal,

but can I borrow two grand
to go on a ski trip?

Oh, sure, yeah,
it's in the glove box
of my Hummer limousine.

Hummer limousine?
Is that really
the fanciest car

you could come up with?
You are poor.

Uh, so are you.
You realize you're

also a public
schoolteacher, right?

Joel, I have to go
on this ski trip!

Hos on Snow is even more
fun than Sluts Sinking Putts.

And I have no money,
no credit and no desire
to do any extra work.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

It's a sure thing.

For every dollar you invest,
you get $100 back.

Imagine what that could mean.

New house, new car,

straight white teeth.

I'll give you 100 bucks
if you can tell me my name.

Nice doing
business with you.

I knew you liked me.

Hey, what's up, guys?

What up, stink?

So, listen, uh...

I want to give you
a heads-up...

Good evening, players.

...that Carl will
be joining us.

Who needs a drink?

I'm thinking
about something hoppy

with a little kick to it.

And I'm not talking
about a kangaroo.

(YELLS)
Oh!

Ow, one of those.

(LAUGHING)

What happened?

Guys, I'm sorry.
He just kind of
invited himself.

It all happened so fast.
I don't know!

No, no, no, no.

That's a negative,
Ghost Rider.

This pattern is full.

I'm gonna get
blackout drunk tonight

and rub up against

every single girl
in this place, all right?

Boss has got to go.
Fine.

But we also need to
talk about how you
meet women, okay?

Okay, Oprah.
(LAUGHTER NEARBY)

Oh, Carl,

you're the sweetest.

You know, you remind
me of my ex-wife.

Really?
Yeah, something
about your smile

takes me back
to our first kiss.

I remember it
because everybody in
Souplantation applauded.

(WAITRESS LAUGHING)

This round's on me.

Thank you.
He's amazing.

Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah, really cool.

She said we can bring Subway
if we keep it quiet.

Hos on Snow won't be short
on any hos this year!

This is the best
news ever, Mere.

How'd you get the money?

I...

I have a new sugar daddy.

Yeah, he's
a financial wizard.

Finds money
in the craziest places.

Real estate, hedge funds...

Parking lots.

There's a lot of money
in parking lots, apparently.

(LAUGHING)
Five, six, seven...

See? I am getting taller.

Attention, teachers!

Did anyone happen to find

a manila envelope
with $2,400 cash in it?

Wait, what?

It's the money
from the candy bar sales.

I put it on the top of my car,

and then I accidently
drove away,

and it's gone,
and if we can't find it,

then we have to cancel
the trip to Sacramento.

Wait, what?

Lily's Sacramento trip?

This really sucks, Ginny.

CARL: Not to sound
too obvious,

but did you look
for that money on
the roof of your car?

Because that's
where my sister-in-law

found the infant carrier.
Thank God.

It's not there.
It slid right off.

That's what I get for keeping
a nicely waxed vehicle.

Right, but you're just gonna
pay it back yourself, right?

Yeah, sure, Meredith.

Let me just go out and grab
it from my Hummer limousine.

Hey!

This sucks, Ginny.

(LAUGHS)
This really sucks.

Yeah.

Wait, why do
you even care?

You don't care
about anything.

Um, I care because...

I don't want those kids
to miss out
on seeing Sacramento.

The government buildings.

The lake.

All that good stuff.

What a nightmare.
Thanks a lot, Ginny.

Now we're all
gonna have to deal
with your stupid,

stupid, stupid, dummy,
stupid, dummy,

stupid mistake!

(SIGHS LOUDLY)

(DOOR OPENS)
MEREDITH:
Hi, Brie.

Hey!
(DOOR CLOSES)

Listen, I need to talk to you

about something.
Mere.

I can't tell you
how excited I am

that you're coming
on the trip.

This is gonna be
the best ski trip ever.

Shopping,

spa treatments,

bar hopping, clubbing.

And if we have time,
even skiing.

That sounds amazing, but...

And I invited a
bond trader I know

whose wife just died.

Opportunity knocks!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, wait, you have
a sugar daddy now.

Oh.

You know what?

It's the 21st century.

I can have two daddies.

What's up, B-words?
Yo!

C-word is in the house!

Oh!

Uh-oh.

I spy...

Two bogeys at the bar.

Give me a few minutes,
then come over.

I'm timing you.

Listen. He's, like,
the best wingman ever.

Because of him, I scored
with that waitress last night.

Yeah, I went home
with four women last night.

You did?
In my mind.

CARL:
When Carla and I got
to the restaurant,

her whole family was there.

And I got down on one knee.

And eventually she said yes.

And she cried.
(WOMAN GASPS)

And then I cried.

Oh.
For the next two hours.

Oh, Carl, that's so beautiful.

The biggest complaint
Carla had is she said
she was too happy.

Whoa, here is
my dude posse, ladies.

Dude posse, this is Norah

and Noel... They are
flight attendants.

But tonight,

I will be serving you...

Pretzels and peanuts.

I like pretzels and peanuts.

And I like to eat them
at the same time.

You'll be standing
in the back,

Coach Donnie.
What? What are
you talking about?

How you doing? Name's Joel.
Hi.

"Jessica grabbed
the ranch hand by
his belt buckle

"and pulled him close,
her lips attacking his,

"their bodies destined
to become one."

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Okay, so we'll

get back into Ranch
of the Forbidden tomorrow.

And I want everyone to think
of something smart for me...

...for you guys
to say about it, okay?

Uh, Meredith, this doesn't
seem age-appropriate.

Oh, sorry, Lily, you know,

I have to teach whatever
the school board assigns.

Like Jessica in chapter
two, my hands are tied.

Okay.

Skedaddle.

Hey, want to grab lunch?

(LAUGHS)
Joel, I didn't get

to looking like this
by eating lunch.

Also, the chalet has
a hot tub, thank you.

So I have to be
in tip-top shape.

The chalet?

Oh, you're going
on the ski trip.

Guess you found
that two grand somehow.

Um, yep. Sold some stocks.
Okay, see you later.

Wait.
Uh, what stocks did you sell?

Um, I just... you know what?

I ended up selling
some of my railroads.

Short Line, Reading, B & O.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

You found Ginny's money!

Shh, shh!
That's why you
were so angry

when you heard
what it was for.

Yes, I found
Ginny's money, okay?

And I spent it on
my ski trip, so...

Okay, but you know how much
the kids care about the

Sacramento trip, right, and
how much Lily cares about it?

Not really sure why,
but they do.

And what, you're gonna let
it get canceled because

you want to go
on some ski trip

with a bunch of awful women?
Those are my friends.

And this isn't just any
ski trip, Joel, okay?

If I am not at Hos on Snow,
I am out of the group.

Which means that I'm out
of that world for good.

Which means that
I'll never even meet
a man in that world.

You gotta spend money...
To get guys

to give you money.
Them's the facts.

You'll give the money back.

No, I won't.

Yeah, being here
is fixing your moral compass.

Not gonna do it.

Yeah, you will.

You know, even though
we've been divorced
for over a year,

I still send her a cake
on her birthday.

To her work address.

Her home address
is unlisted.

Oh, my God, even after
she cheated on you?

You're amazing, Carl.
DONNIE:
He is, isn't he?

I mean, I wish that I had
more bad stuff happen to me

in my life,
'cause then I could tell

attractive ladies like you
about it.

Hey, have you two
officially met my bros?

Joel, Ed, Donnie.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Coach Donnie, all right?

I didn't take six weeks
in P.E. certification

in a mall parking lot
to be called "Donnie."

(CHUCKLES)
JOEL: That's right,
Coach Donnie.

Hey, uh, I'm just gonna
borrow this guy for a second.

Mmm-hmm.
Come on over here.

Good idea.

Hey, buddy, um,

I'm not sure
this is healthy.

Yeah, I agree, but we
don't have much choice.

Not until Subway
starts serving alcohol.

I mean reliving memories
of your ex-wife seems

like a tough way
to get back in the saddle.

I'm not here to meet women.

I am here
to get back

in the friend saddle.

When Carla and
I got a divorce,

I lost a lot of good friends.
Carla's mom, Carla's dad.

My roommate Ron
can cook a ham,

but he's not much
for conversation.

I'm enjoying myself
with these guys.

They look like
they're having fun.

Okay, all right.

I'm just not sure
I'd use these guys

as a barometer
of healthy behavior.

(SIGHS)

Oh, boy.

I can do this
all night long.

Everybody...

Bad news.
The money's still gone.

The police have been no help.

Yeah, I know
you're all loving this.

Perfect Ginny makes a mistake.

Meredith, any thoughts?

Actually, yes.

Um, why don't we just
send the kids home

with a note explaining
Ginny's stupidity

and ask them
for donations?

I mean, most
of those parents

are rich
and won't even care.

I care. That's humiliating.

I can't just beg for money.
This isn't an Italian wedding!

Maybe we could earn the money,
like, through a fund-raiser,

or we could tell
all our grandmas

our birthdays are coming up.

Kim, a fund-raiser's
a great idea!

MEREDITH:
Yes!

A charity auction!

Rich people love those!

It's shopping
they get celebrated for.

Let's save Lily's trip.

CARL:
I like it.

Let's work fast, people.

We only have a few days left.

Okay, Kim, you have
to write a list. Ginny...

The key is you got to get
fancy designer items

and nice gift certificates
for people to bid on.

People need
to feel as far away

from the sadness
of the charity as possible.

Like, at my friend
Brie's charity

for the kids
with the lip stuff,

the last thing that you
would ever see there
is a kid with the lip stuff.

See? I can help.

I know why you're offering.

You love to see me down
just like everybody else.

Well, I got this, okay?

Fine. But just so you know,
that's not why I offered.
Mmm.

I care about those kids,

and I don't want to see
them lose their ski trip.

Ski trip?

Yeah. My, um...

My dad used to
call Sacramento
"Sacramentski."

And then just "Ski."

He had, like,
all these really

funny and sweet nicknames
for things.

I really miss him.

I don't know why
you're waiting.

You're gonna give
the money back.

Nuh-uh. Look, everything's
under control, okay?

Yeah, if Ginny
can organize

a huge fund-raiser
in, like, a few days.

Oh, please. It's Ginny.

This will probably
end up being, like,

the biggest fund-raiser
in middle school history.

GINNY:
Our first item
up for auction tonight

is one of my favorites.

It is an afternoon
in Kim's vegetable garden!

KIM:
It's organic.

I fertilize it myself.

Oh, you are so giving
the money back.

And our next item is a lesson
on earthquake preparedness.

Wow. This fund-raiser
needs a charity event.

Also we still have
the afternoon in Kim's
vegetable garden.

The cabbages are
just crowning.

Can I talk to you?
What is going on here?

I thought the people
would bid just because

it was a school fund-raiser.
What do I do?

Let's just take
this up a notch.

What's up, Quakers?
(LAUGHS)

All right,
let's get this thing going.

So, item number two
is a lesson on earthquake
preparedness

followed by a two-hour
massage from Ginny!

Two dollars!

I am not gonna
massage anybody.

Okay, just ask for donations
and tell them the truth.

MAN:
Two and a quarter!

Fine. I will be
giving a massage.

In a sports bra.

Three bucks.
$3.11.

That's a little
steep for me.

GINNY:
Again, now...

ED: (CHUCKLING)
Hey!

Hey, great time
at Juanita's last night.

What time we heading
over there tonight?

Fellas, I'm out.
What?

Joel says using sad stories
to attract women is unhealthy.

He's probably right.
Way to kill

the golden goose,

douche bucket.
Yeah, Joel,

if he's not coming out,
you're not coming out.

We're coming out.

We're...
JOEL:
Guys... Geez.

Well, hey, at least
I don't have

to give Donnie a ride
back to the YMCA, right?

Back to having
no plans tonight.

So...

Maybe, uh... Maybe
we could watch the game.

Of Thrones? Heck, yeah!

I was thinking more
the basketball game,

but Game of Thrones
is cool, too, man.

You wouldn't happen
to cook ham, do you?

I do not.
Ah, bummer.

Could you learn?

I'm down to
my last item.
Okay, great.

How are we doing?
Are we close?

Um, better than close.
We are way over! We did it!

We did?
Seriously?

Yes! We made over $400.

Kim, we're still
down two grand.

Wait... You
needed $2,400?

You lost $2,400?

Yes.
Girl, I would not
want to be you.

I'm just kidding.

I would always
want to be you.
Ugh!

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
we are down

to our last item
of the night.

This is your chance to
prove who is the richest

and best person in this room.

Let's do it!

(GINNY CHUCKLES)

This is truly
an amazing item.
Mmm-hmm.

It is lifetime access

to the Nixon
computer lab,

where you can send
and receive e-mails

to and from any
computer in the world!

That is your grand finale?

I can do that from my phone!

Any bidders?

Any... Anyone?

So embarrassing.

It sucks to be her.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)
GINNY: Anybody?

This is, uh... This is
tough to watch, isn't it?

Okay, wait! I have...
I have one more item
for you to bid on.

It is a 2006 Kia Spectra,
red, fully loaded.

Cloth interior throughout,
AM and FM radio.

And it is at the "Buy It Now"
price of $2,000.

Oh, my God.
Her car?

GINNY:
Anyone?

I'm sure it's worth
at least five grand.

Damn it.

GINNY:
I'll even throw in
all the CDs.

All of Rick Springfield's
studio albums,

plus bootlegs
of his live concerts.

Brie, I need my money
back for the ski trip.

Truth is, I'm not
rich anymore.

And I don't have
a sugar daddy... Yet.

Oh. Okay, Mere, here.

I can get paid back
by the travel agency.

Great.

Aw, poor,
dirt-poor Meredith.

Yeah, well, we'll see
how you'll do, Poppy,

when your husband finally
leaves you for the girl

that works at the golf
course snack shop.

Yeah, we all know what's
been going on there.

GINNY:
Windows just need
a few cranks,

and then you can
roll them up and down.
Any bidders?

What are you doing?

The right thing.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Ladies and gentlemen,

I hold in my hand $2,000...

...which I found...

...in the goodness
of my heart.

And I'm going to use it to buy
Ginny's car for these kids!

(CHEERING)

To America's youth!

Wow!

Bravo, Meredith.

MEREDITH:
Let me be an inspiration
to all of you.

(LAUGHS)
Thank you.

You're welcome. Thank you!

You're welcome.
(CHUCKLES)

Not what I was expecting,

but I guess you did
sort of give the money back.

See? Being here
is fixing your
moral compass.

MAN:
Wow, your investment
must have paid off.

Too late for me to get in?

Let's talk Monday.

Yep, totally fixing it.

I have to thank
you, Meredith.

You really came
through tonight.

You're a much better person
than I thought you were.

Ugh! I wish people
would stop saying that.

Keys?

Oh, don't worry,
the bus stop is just, like,
three blocks that way.

(SIGHS)

No, wait.
This isn't right.

You should keep
the CVS Club Card.

(ENGINE STARTS)

♪ Mr. Right...

Burn, baby, burn.

♪ On the wrong side of town

♪ You better love somebody

♪ It's late... ♪
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

(TIRES SQUEAL)