Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 10 - Found Money - full transcript

Expensive food... It just tastes so much better.
(LAUGHTER) Do I know how to host a birthday party or what?
Yes! Just one problem... Waiter?
Can we get another bottle?
Something from that locked cabinet.
It's present time.
(ALL WHOOPING)
Happy birthday, Denise. It's from all of us!
Thank you.
(GASPS)
Ranch of the Forbidden 2.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
This isn't even out yet.
Frank sat next to the author
on a flight back from Paris.
Mary Grace Gibbs is actually
a 65-year-old black man
named Marvin Headley.
Shut up. No way!
I couldn't even put down the first Ranch of the Forbidden.
How hot was Jessica's affair with the ranch hand?
Oh, so hot!
Wait, what's, uh, Ranch of the Forbidden again?
This trashy novel. We just read it for our book club.
You guys are reading books now?
(LAUGHTER)
Okay, five-way split.
Everyone pays but the birthday girl.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Um, Brie?
You said that you were hosting.
And "hosting" means paying.
I just to pay when I used to host things.
Remember that going-away party I threw for your B cups?
Oh, well, this is just how we've been doing it.
Just so everyone can get the miles.
Don't worry. I'll cover you.
Thanks.
Does anyone want gum?
♪ Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah
♪ Nah-nah, nah-nah
♪ I am a fascination
♪ I'm here to blow your mind
♪ I'll give 'em education
♪ Give me the wine and dine
♪ Hey!
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah
♪ Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! ♪
Welcome to the informational meeting
for our annual trip to Sacramento.
This meeting is mandatory for teachers.
What are you guys doing here?
Well, I made Poppy come with me.
She's lucky enough not to have a stepdaughter.
(SNORING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
It's okay. I can wait all night.
Listen to Ginny, everyone!
(FEEDBACK SCREECHES)
GINNY: Thank you, Kim.
This trip will be perfect
because, of course, I planned it.
Now, some of our students led by Lily Parker,
president of our Junior Politicians Club,
have been selling candy bars
to raise extra money to pay for the trip.
Lily?
To the early settlers,
Sacramento was but a small town along the river.
Uh... Thank you, Lily.
Good job.
Okay, so,
tomorrow, I'm going to be depositing the money raised,
and any child who has not met their minimum
will not be allowed on the bus.
Yep, some child's left behind.
All right, Principal Carl.
Oh, Mere, Lily is, like, obsessed with this trip,
so I bought all 80 of her candy bars if you want some.
She was gonna give them to a homeless shelter,
but you're homeless in her very own backyard.
(LAUGHS)
Great, I'll eat all of them,
and then you and I can share clothes.
(STOPS LAUGHING)
CARL: Long story short...
Nixon is no longer welcome at Shakey's Pizza.
That is why we felt the need for more parent chaperones.
Oh, my God, Brie!
You should be a parent chaperone!
We can sneak in booze
and sneak out to go meet cute boys.
I can't.
Bummer, it's our Hos on Snow ski trip that weekend.
"Hos on Snow"?
That's our funnest party of the year. Why wasn't I invited?
We assumed you couldn't afford it.
Especially after that dinner.
We all saw you take that butter.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Hey. Coach Kotsky? Hey.
Listen, as someone in the know,
have you heard of a Subway location that serves alcohol?
I'm pretty sure none of them do.
Oh, well, I read on a foodie blog
that one of them secretly did.
Anywho, just looking to find a place
to grab a brewski and a bite to eat.
My roommate Ron's out of town.
He is a total bastard.
But he does most of the cooking, so...
What are you doing tonight?
I'm just heading to Juanita's with the coaches.
Doing our thing.
I'd love to join! Oh!
There's a thought.
Um, I'm not sure if you would have fun, though.
You know, we drink and hit on women,
and it gets pretty rowdy, so...
Well, I am looking to get back in the saddle.
I mean, do they even still call it that?
Count me in. How about that?
You're, you're coming. Oh, listen.
Do you know if Juanita's serves a foot-long cold cut combo?
I... Ah, I'll find something.
(GROANS)
(MEREDITH CLEARS THROAT)
Joel, no big deal,
but can I borrow two grand to go on a ski trip?
Oh, sure, yeah, it's in the glove box of my Hummer limousine.
Hummer limousine? Is that really the fanciest car
you could come up with? You are poor.
Uh, so are you. You realize you're
also a public schoolteacher, right?
Joel, I have to go on this ski trip!
Hos on Snow is even more fun than Sluts Sinking Putts.
And I have no money, no credit and no desire to do any extra work.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
It's a sure thing.
For every dollar you invest, you get $100 back.
Imagine what that could mean.
New house, new car,
straight white teeth.
I'll give you 100 bucks if you can tell me my name.
Nice doing business with you.
I knew you liked me.
Hey, what's up, guys?
What up, stink?
So, listen, uh...
I want to give you a heads-up...
Good evening, players.
...that Carl will be joining us.
Who needs a drink?
I'm thinking about something hoppy
with a little kick to it.
And I'm not talking about a kangaroo.
(YELLS) Oh!
Ow, one of those.
(LAUGHING)
What happened?
Guys, I'm sorry. He just kind of invited himself.
It all happened so fast. I don't know!
No, no, no, no.
That's a negative, Ghost Rider.
This pattern is full.
I'm gonna get blackout drunk tonight
and rub up against
every single girl in this place, all right?
Boss has got to go. Fine.
But we also need to talk about how you meet women, okay?
Okay, Oprah. (LAUGHTER NEARBY)
Oh, Carl,
you're the sweetest.
You know, you remind me of my ex-wife.
Really? Yeah, something about your smile
takes me back to our first kiss.
I remember it because everybody in Souplantation applauded.
(WAITRESS LAUGHING)
This round's on me.
Thank you. He's amazing.
Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, really cool.
She said we can bring Subway if we keep it quiet.
Hos on Snow won't be short on any hos this year!
This is the best news ever, Mere.
How'd you get the money?
I...
I have a new sugar daddy.
Yeah, he's a financial wizard.
Finds money in the craziest places.
Real estate, hedge funds...
Parking lots.
There's a lot of money in parking lots, apparently.
(LAUGHING) Five, six, seven...
See? I am getting taller.
Attention, teachers!
Did anyone happen to find
a manila envelope with $2,400 cash in it?
Wait, what?
It's the money from the candy bar sales.
I put it on the top of my car,
and then I accidently drove away,
and it's gone, and if we can't find it,
then we have to cancel the trip to Sacramento.
Wait, what?
Lily's Sacramento trip?
This really sucks, Ginny.
CARL: Not to sound too obvious,
but did you look for that money on the roof of your car?
Because that's where my sister-in-law
found the infant carrier. Thank God.
It's not there. It slid right off.
That's what I get for keeping a nicely waxed vehicle.
Right, but you're just gonna pay it back yourself, right?
Yeah, sure, Meredith.
Let me just go out and grab it from my Hummer limousine.
Hey!
This sucks, Ginny.
(LAUGHS) This really sucks.
Yeah.
Wait, why do you even care?
You don't care about anything.
Um, I care because...
I don't want those kids to miss out on seeing Sacramento.
The government buildings.
The lake.
All that good stuff.
What a nightmare. Thanks a lot, Ginny.
Now we're all gonna have to deal with your stupid,
stupid, stupid, dummy, stupid, dummy,
stupid mistake!
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
(DOOR OPENS) MEREDITH: Hi, Brie.
Hey! (DOOR CLOSES)
Listen, I need to talk to you
about something. Mere.
I can't tell you how excited I am
that you're coming on the trip.
This is gonna be the best ski trip ever.
Shopping,
spa treatments,
bar hopping, clubbing.
And if we have time, even skiing.
That sounds amazing, but...
And I invited a bond trader I know
whose wife just died.
Opportunity knocks!
(LAUGHS)
Oh, wait, you have a sugar daddy now.
Oh.
You know what?
It's the 21st century.
I can have two daddies.
What's up, B-words? Yo!
C-word is in the house!
Oh!
Uh-oh.
I spy...
Two bogeys at the bar.
Give me a few minutes, then come over.
I'm timing you.
Listen. He's, like, the best wingman ever.
Because of him, I scored with that waitress last night.
Yeah, I went home with four women last night.
You did? In my mind.
CARL: When Carla and I got to the restaurant,
her whole family was there.
And I got down on one knee.
And eventually she said yes.
And she cried. (WOMAN GASPS)
And then I cried.
Oh. For the next two hours.
Oh, Carl, that's so beautiful.
The biggest complaint Carla had is she said she was too happy.
Whoa, here is my dude posse, ladies.
Dude posse, this is Norah
and Noel... They are flight attendants.
But tonight,
I will be serving you...
Pretzels and peanuts.
I like pretzels and peanuts.
And I like to eat them at the same time.
You'll be standing in the back,
Coach Donnie. What? What are you talking about?
How you doing? Name's Joel. Hi.
"Jessica grabbed the ranch hand by his belt buckle
"and pulled him close, her lips attacking his,
"their bodies destined to become one."
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Okay, so we'll
get back into Ranch of the Forbidden tomorrow.
And I want everyone to think of something smart for me...
...for you guys to say about it, okay?
Uh, Meredith, this doesn't seem age-appropriate.
Oh, sorry, Lily, you know,
I have to teach whatever the school board assigns.
Like Jessica in chapter two, my hands are tied.
Okay.
Skedaddle.
Hey, want to grab lunch?
(LAUGHS) Joel, I didn't get
to looking like this by eating lunch.
Also, the chalet has a hot tub, thank you.
So I have to be in tip-top shape.
The chalet?
Oh, you're going on the ski trip.
Guess you found that two grand somehow.
Um, yep. Sold some stocks. Okay, see you later.
Wait. Uh, what stocks did you sell?
Um, I just... you know what?
I ended up selling some of my railroads.
Short Line, Reading, B & O.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
You found Ginny's money!
Shh, shh! That's why you were so angry
when you heard what it was for.
Yes, I found Ginny's money, okay?
And I spent it on my ski trip, so...
Okay, but you know how much the kids care about the
Sacramento trip, right, and how much Lily cares about it?
Not really sure why, but they do.
And what, you're gonna let it get canceled because
you want to go on some ski trip
with a bunch of awful women? Those are my friends.
And this isn't just any ski trip, Joel, okay?
If I am not at Hos on Snow, I am out of the group.
Which means that I'm out of that world for good.
Which means that I'll never even meet a man in that world.
You gotta spend money... To get guys
to give you money. Them's the facts.
You'll give the money back.
No, I won't.
Yeah, being here is fixing your moral compass.
Not gonna do it.
Yeah, you will.
You know, even though we've been divorced for over a year,
I still send her a cake on her birthday.
To her work address.
Her home address is unlisted.
Oh, my God, even after she cheated on you?
You're amazing, Carl. DONNIE: He is, isn't he?
I mean, I wish that I had more bad stuff happen to me
in my life, 'cause then I could tell
attractive ladies like you about it.
Hey, have you two officially met my bros?
Joel, Ed, Donnie.
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Coach Donnie, all right?
I didn't take six weeks in P.E. certification
in a mall parking lot to be called "Donnie."
(CHUCKLES) JOEL: That's right, Coach Donnie.
Hey, uh, I'm just gonna borrow this guy for a second.
Mmm-hmm. Come on over here.
Good idea.
Hey, buddy, um,
I'm not sure this is healthy.
Yeah, I agree, but we don't have much choice.
Not until Subway starts serving alcohol.
I mean reliving memories of your ex-wife seems
like a tough way to get back in the saddle.
I'm not here to meet women.
I am here to get back
in the friend saddle.
When Carla and I got a divorce,
I lost a lot of good friends. Carla's mom, Carla's dad.
My roommate Ron can cook a ham,
but he's not much for conversation.
I'm enjoying myself with these guys.
They look like they're having fun.
Okay, all right.
I'm just not sure I'd use these guys
as a barometer of healthy behavior.
(SIGHS)
Oh, boy.
I can do this all night long.
Everybody...
Bad news. The money's still gone.
The police have been no help.
Yeah, I know you're all loving this.
Perfect Ginny makes a mistake.
Meredith, any thoughts?
Actually, yes.
Um, why don't we just send the kids home
with a note explaining Ginny's stupidity
and ask them for donations?
I mean, most of those parents
are rich and won't even care.
I care. That's humiliating.
I can't just beg for money. This isn't an Italian wedding!
Maybe we could earn the money, like, through a fund-raiser,
or we could tell all our grandmas
our birthdays are coming up.
Kim, a fund-raiser's a great idea!
MEREDITH: Yes!
A charity auction!
Rich people love those!
It's shopping they get celebrated for.
Let's save Lily's trip.
CARL: I like it.
Let's work fast, people.
We only have a few days left.
Okay, Kim, you have to write a list. Ginny...
The key is you got to get fancy designer items
and nice gift certificates for people to bid on.
People need to feel as far away
from the sadness of the charity as possible.
Like, at my friend Brie's charity
for the kids with the lip stuff,
the last thing that you would ever see there is a kid with the lip stuff.
See? I can help.
I know why you're offering.
You love to see me down just like everybody else.
Well, I got this, okay?
Fine. But just so you know, that's not why I offered. Mmm.
I care about those kids,
and I don't want to see them lose their ski trip.
Ski trip?
Yeah. My, um...
My dad used to call Sacramento "Sacramentski."
And then just "Ski."
He had, like, all these really
funny and sweet nicknames for things.
I really miss him.
I don't know why you're waiting.
You're gonna give the money back.
Nuh-uh. Look, everything's under control, okay?
Yeah, if Ginny can organize
a huge fund-raiser in, like, a few days.
Oh, please. It's Ginny.
This will probably end up being, like,
the biggest fund-raiser in middle school history.
GINNY: Our first item up for auction tonight
is one of my favorites.
It is an afternoon in Kim's vegetable garden!
KIM: It's organic.
I fertilize it myself.
Oh, you are so giving the money back.
And our next item is a lesson on earthquake preparedness.
Wow. This fund-raiser needs a charity event.
Also we still have the afternoon in Kim's vegetable garden.
The cabbages are just crowning.
Can I talk to you? What is going on here?
I thought the people would bid just because
it was a school fund-raiser. What do I do?
Let's just take this up a notch.
What's up, Quakers? (LAUGHS)
All right, let's get this thing going.
So, item number two is a lesson on earthquake preparedness
followed by a two-hour massage from Ginny!
Two dollars!
I am not gonna massage anybody.
Okay, just ask for donations and tell them the truth.
MAN: Two and a quarter!
Fine. I will be giving a massage.
In a sports bra.
Three bucks. $3.11.
That's a little steep for me.
GINNY: Again, now...
ED: (CHUCKLING) Hey!
Hey, great time at Juanita's last night.
What time we heading over there tonight?
Fellas, I'm out. What?
Joel says using sad stories to attract women is unhealthy.
He's probably right. Way to kill
the golden goose,
douche bucket. Yeah, Joel,
if he's not coming out, you're not coming out.
We're coming out.
We're... JOEL: Guys... Geez.
Well, hey, at least I don't have
to give Donnie a ride back to the YMCA, right?
Back to having no plans tonight.
So...
Maybe, uh... Maybe we could watch the game.
Of Thrones? Heck, yeah!
I was thinking more the basketball game,
but Game of Thrones is cool, too, man.
You wouldn't happen to cook ham, do you?
I do not. Ah, bummer.
Could you learn?
I'm down to my last item. Okay, great.
How are we doing? Are we close?
Um, better than close. We are way over! We did it!
We did? Seriously?
Yes! We made over $400.
Kim, we're still down two grand.
Wait... You needed $2,400?
You lost $2,400?
Yes. Girl, I would not want to be you.
I'm just kidding.
I would always want to be you. Ugh!
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we are down
to our last item of the night.
This is your chance to prove who is the richest
and best person in this room.
Let's do it!
(GINNY CHUCKLES)
This is truly an amazing item. Mmm-hmm.
It is lifetime access
to the Nixon computer lab,
where you can send and receive e-mails
to and from any computer in the world!
That is your grand finale?
I can do that from my phone!
Any bidders?
Any... Anyone?
So embarrassing.
It sucks to be her.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) GINNY: Anybody?
This is, uh... This is tough to watch, isn't it?
Okay, wait! I have... I have one more item for you to bid on.
It is a 2006 Kia Spectra, red, fully loaded.
Cloth interior throughout, AM and FM radio.
And it is at the "Buy It Now" price of $2,000.
Oh, my God. Her car?
GINNY: Anyone?
I'm sure it's worth at least five grand.
Damn it.
GINNY: I'll even throw in all the CDs.
All of Rick Springfield's studio albums,
plus bootlegs of his live concerts.
Brie, I need my money back for the ski trip.
Truth is, I'm not rich anymore.
And I don't have a sugar daddy... Yet.
Oh. Okay, Mere, here.
I can get paid back by the travel agency.
Great.
Aw, poor, dirt-poor Meredith.
Yeah, well, we'll see how you'll do, Poppy,
when your husband finally leaves you for the girl
that works at the golf course snack shop.
Yeah, we all know what's been going on there.
GINNY: Windows just need a few cranks,
and then you can roll them up and down. Any bidders?
What are you doing?
The right thing.
(CLEARS THROAT) Ladies and gentlemen,
I hold in my hand $2,000...
...which I found...
...in the goodness of my heart.
And I'm going to use it to buy Ginny's car for these kids!
(CHEERING)
To America's youth!
Wow!
Bravo, Meredith.
MEREDITH: Let me be an inspiration to all of you.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
You're welcome. Thank you!
You're welcome. (CHUCKLES)
Not what I was expecting,
but I guess you did sort of give the money back.
See? Being here is fixing your moral compass.
MAN: Wow, your investment must have paid off.
Too late for me to get in?
Let's talk Monday.
Yep, totally fixing it.
I have to thank you, Meredith.
You really came through tonight.
You're a much better person than I thought you were.
Ugh! I wish people would stop saying that.
Keys?
Oh, don't worry, the bus stop is just, like, three blocks that way.
(SIGHS)
No, wait. This isn't right.
You should keep the CVS Club Card.
(ENGINE STARTS)
♪ Mr. Right...
Burn, baby, burn.
♪ On the wrong side of town
♪ You better love somebody
♪ It's late... ♪ (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
(TIRES SQUEAL)