Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 11 - A Little Respect - full transcript

Mr. Baxter, Nate's French
is really coming along.

Vive la difference!
Am I right?

You're right.

Ms. Perry...
(LAUGHS)

Looking forward to
this month's PTA brunch.

Gonna keep the potato salad
out of the sun this time.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Car wouldn't start.
Truck blocked me in.

Lost my keys.
Holiday traffic.

Well, as long as you
have a good excuse.
VICTOR: Ms. Davis!

I made my parents take
me to a salon for a real
haircut, like you said.



Good job, Victor.
Much less DIY.

JOEL:
Ooh, okay.

Candles? Strawberries?

Looks like we're
about to have sex in
a Boyz II Men video.

Please. There's
got to be at least

one single,
rich dad here

that wants to talk
about their kid.

We can have a
one-on-one now

and then a one-on-one later on
the floor of his home theater.

What about the floor
of a regular theater?

'Cause, you know, then
I'd be back in this thing.
(SCOFFS)

Wait. Why are you
so late, anyway?

I got in a fight
with Abby,

the manager of
the country club,



in front of my entire
tennis circuit.

She tried to tell
me that I wasn't
a member anymore

because my dues
hadn't been paid.

Oh, that bitch.
And I was like,

"Well, Abby, what do you
think I'm doing here?

"Trying to find a man
to pay those dues."

Ugh, some people, right?

Yeah, some people.
MEREDITH:
And I was actually...

...really excited to...
Can't believe people.

Are you done?

I was actually
really excited to
come here tonight,

because this is a place where
people actually respect me.

This is Ms. Davis.

She's the most fun
teacher I've ever had.

WOMAN:
Oh, Harper loves
your class.

It was so cool
when you had them
melt the gold jewelry.

What a fun way to learn
about the Gold Rush.

Yeah.

Are we getting
any of that back?

So nice meeting you!

Bye, Ms. D.
Bye.

I mean...
I'm like a god here.

Totally.

Totally.

JOEL:
A jazz band?

Hey, this is a classy
open house, Carl.

Well, it needs to be.

'Cause these parents are
breathing down my neck.

Tonight I need them
to focus on the positive

and not on the fact
that these basketballs

are dodgeballs painted orange.

Yeah. Well, the smoked
Gouda is amazing.

Ooh, fun fact.

It's regular Gouda
that I browned

in my roommate
Ron's toaster oven.

That's what gives
it the smoky flavor.

And the bagel seeds.

Huh.

Big money to win is...

MAN:
Hi. I'm Keith's dad,

Mr. Mueller.
Hi.

(GIGGLES)

Would you like
a strawberry?

Oh, sure.

And maybe one for my wife.

Oop.

Okay. You can go.

Ugh. It's like
everyone's married.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We're Victor Hu's moms.

Kid's a genius.
Thanks for coming by.

But he's not meeting
his potential.

Well, no one is.
Too much TV.

Okay, good chat.
Glad you came.

Victor loves you.

Apparently, you give him
a lot of fashion advice.
Yeah.

But you don't challenge
him academically.

He says you show
a lot of movies.

I like to make
learning entertaining.

It's not a smart
way to educate.

Everybody else
seems to like it.

Well, we're doctors.

Oh... Doctors.
(LAUGHS)

How long have you been
trying to get that out?

It's on our name tags.
(EXHALES)

We just want to make sure
Victor has good teachers.

He does. Trust me.

Every parent
here adores me.

For melting
down their gold?

It's called hands-on
learning, Doctors.

(GROWLS)

Sorry, Carl,
I gotta leave early.

But we still have
three hours left.
Lady business.

Poor kid.

Third time this month.

♪ Nah, nah-nah,
nah, nah, nah

♪ Nah-nah, nah-nah

♪ I am a fascination

♪ I'm here to blow your mind

♪ I'll give 'em education

♪ Give me the wine and dine

♪ Hey!

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah

♪ Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! ♪

♪ Be good, be good, be good

♪ Be good, be good,
be good, be good
♪ Johnny ♪

♪ Be good, be good, be good

♪ Be good, be good,
be good...

(CRUNCHES)

Ah... It's not that bad.

♪ Be good, be good

♪ Be good, be good, be good

♪ Be good, be good,
be good, be good Johnny... ♪

Joel!
Doug Pilaf.

Math department.
Math department.

Uh, I hate to
bug you, but...

Listen, I know I still
owe you those 50 bones,

but I was able to pre-order
the next Halo, so thank you.

Wait. You said it
was an emergency.

Oh, my gosh, no...
It was an emergency.

Yeah, you have to pay
when you pre-order.
Um...

You should come over
and play sometime.

Oh. I'll ask my wife.

Look, I don't quite
have the funds

to repay you just yet,
but I do have

a bear claw
with your name on it.

Glaze is
still melty.

Oh, well, my...
My wife doesn't like
me to have sweets

on account of
how hyper I get.

I won't tell if you don't.

(LAUGHS)

So, uh... We cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

This is really
gonna hit the spot.

(GASPS) Thanks,
math department.

JOEL: Hey, I heard
you got into it

with the Hu ladies
last night.

Those stupid
tiger moms

were so
disrespectful to me.

It's like they think just
because they're doctors,

they're better
than everyone else.

Let me tell
you something.

I've known a lot
of doctors.

They're just like us.

They put their
pants on after sex
one leg at a time.

Man, every day's
a gift with you.

It's bad enough
I get no respect

from people
in my old life,

and now I get
no respect

from people in my
horrible new life.

CARL: (OVER PA)
Meredith Davis,

please report to my office.
Principal Carl's office.

I am Principal Carl.

Ooh...

Now what?

I would really...

DR. HU: Dr. Hu and I
would like Meredith fired.

CARL:
Meredith!

Do you remember
the Doctors Hu from
the open house?

Yeah, I could
never forget

an overly-confident
woman in Uggs,

never mind two.

(FORCED LAUGH)
Such funny language.

Perhaps it was this
robust sense of humor

that these good folks
misinterpreted

as "rude indifference"
at the open house.

Nothing that can't
be cleared up

with a firm handshake
and an apology. Meredith,
what do you say?

To what?
Apologize to the Hu's.

To the Hu's?
No, it should be
from the Hu's.

Could you excuse us
for a moment, ladies?

DR. HU: And that's
inappropriate attire.

Dude, you gotta
bounce these chicks.

They're totally talking
down to me.

Welcome to working
with parents. You need
to apologize, Meredith.

Carl, we're friends,
so trust me on this.

Those Bond villains
are trying to destroy me.

You gotta have
my back on this.

I acknowledge
that most of the time

you and I are a sassy,
fun-loving duo,

but in this instance,
I need you to have my back

and tell the Hu's
you're sorry so we
can all move on!

Why would I
apologize to them?

I didn't do
anything wrong.

They're trying to act
like they're the boss of me.
Nobody is the boss of me.

I am literally
the boss of you!

I am not gonna do this.
I am telling you,
you have to do this!

Oh, just suck it up
and lie, for God's sake!

Don't lie on
our account.

Oh, everyone, stay calm.

Here, have a
butterscotch candy.

MEREDITH:
Oh, don't mind if I do.

DR. HU:
We're leaving.

Wait, wait, wait.
Mrs. and Mrs. Drs. Hu,

uh, I apologize
for both of us.

(CHOKING)

(PANTING)

You're welcome.

(GROWLS)

Can I have
another one?
No, you may not.

That mocha latte smells
mocha-tastic, Doris.

How about a little
love for the home team?

Mmm-hmm.

Attention, faculty!

While Kim was vacuuming
my rental car,

she made
an unsettling discovery.

Do not vacuum
the change holder
with the change in it.

There was a scuff.

A scratch.

On the rear quarter panel.

You will have
difficulty

seeing the note
the driver left,

because there
wasn't one.

The world is
going to hell.

Absolute hell.

Don't let Kim's
double thumbs-up in
the photos fool you.

This is a serious
situation.

The inconsiderate coward
who did this will likely
never come forward.

(GRUNTS)
My bad, Ginny.

I guess I forgot
to leave a note.

But you know what will
help is some of that

delicious mocha latte
that Doris brought in.

Check this out.

I...
I love his face.

Coffee won't
make this better.

I looked into
the eyes of the man

at the rental
car counter,

and I promised him
that I would take care

of that
subcompact vehicle.

Hey, don't you worry.
I will do everything it
takes to make this right.

You should ask him
to do whatever it takes
to make it wrong.

(LAUGHTER)
Doris!

It's not even
lunchtime. Behave.

Ginny, don't worry
another second, okay?

I got you covered.

See, he's
a good guy.
Aw...

Who doesn't
love coffee?

DORIS:
He's such a good guy.

I don't know what you're
so stressed out about.

Great guy.
Great guy.

Why are you all
encouraging him?

CARL:
One thing.

I needed you
to do one thing.

A simple apology
to the Hu's.

You cannot let
these people walk
all over you

unless they are
giving you a massage.

I am your boss.
And they are my boss.

And Victor Hu is the
best student at Nixon.

His test scores
pad the numbers

for all the less
gifted students.

And by "Less gifted,"
I'm being generous.

Last week, Tony Gutierrez
got his head caught
in the bike rack.

He did that to
make five bucks. That's
really good business.

I would've given him ten
if he'd lasted longer.

Victor Hu is special.

No, he's not, Carl.

There are other Asian
kids. Like, a billion.

I don't get why
you're freaking out

about two parents
complaining.

It wasn't just two.

It was two dozen
parent complaints.

About you.

You know, another
principal would've acted
on these immediately.

Yeah, but we're
friends, so...

Yeah, and-and that's
why I gave you leeway.

Because I knew that
your teaching methods
were unorthodox,

but that you did
get through to the kids.

Thank you.
Well, maybe this was wrong.

No. It was super right.

Parent groups
are scrutinizing
my every move.

I can't let our friendship
force me to make bad
decisions about this school.

I can't protect
you anymore.

I don't care about your...
Your, your car problems
or your female troubles.

I gotta treat you
like everybody else.

No more thinking
with my downstairs brain.

What?

My heart.

(CAR ALARM WHOOPING)

Hey, hey!
Check it out!

The scratch is gone.
It is as good as new.

It was never new.
It's a rental.

Okay, then it's
as good as used.

I called in a favor
from the shop teacher.

He owes me. I have to
roll his joints for him

'cause he's missing
a few fingers.

He might not be the
best shop teacher,

but he did a great
job on this!

So, uh...
We cool, Ginny?

LORNA:
If anybody asks,

I'm going out to lunch.

Somebody ate my leftover
lasagna from the fridge.

Ugh.

Is that marinara
on your shirt, Joel?

No.

Cuff me, Lorna.
I was powerless.

You are a magician
with ricotta.

Aw, that's sweet.

I'm even better
with fresh mozzarella.

I don't believe you.

I'll prove it.
I will make you

baked ziti this weekend.

I dare you.

(LAUGHS)

Lorna!

Aren't you mad
about the lasagna?

Now you have nothing
to eat for lunch.

Oh, it's okay.
It's nice to get

some attention from a
man who's not trying

to sell me a
reverse mortgage.

(GROANS)

So, we cool, Lorna?

Yeah, we cool.

(CHUCKLES)

See that? Everybody's cool.

Everybody is not cool!

Ginny is being
so unreasonable.

I scratched her car,
then I fixed it,
but we're still not cool.

You want to hear
about uncool?

Victor Hu's moms tried
to break up me and Carl.

They Yoko Ono'd us,

and I'm not just saying
that because they're
horrible Asian women.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. How?

Carl demanded
that I apologize

to them for being
rude, and I refused.

Well, were you being rude?

Yeah, absolutely,

but they were being
disrespectful to me

and talking down to me.

Look, I could be as
successful as the Hu's.

I just didn't have
the same opportunities
that they had,

because I could
get by on my looks.

But if I were ugly,
I could be a doctor

and join any country
club that I wanted.

Well, it's good to know
you're thinking straight.
You know what?

I'm gonna go down
and give those doctors

a taste of their own
Chinese medicine.

That sounds like a bad idea.

Or the best idea ever.

No, I'm sticking
with bad idea.

At least count to ten
before you do something rash.

...eight,

nine,

ten.

Attention,
Hu patients.

You can't stand
on the furniture.

Oh, really,
is it disrespectful?

More like dangerous.

What's going
on here?
Oh.

Hey, you guys.
I thought I would
just come by

your place of work
and complain about you,

since you took time
out of your busy schedule
to come to my work...

...and complain about me.
Complain about what?

Oh, thank you
so much for asking.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to lodge
a formal complaint.

The Hu's...

...the worst
doctors in America.

They didn't spend
enough time with me
taking my temperature.

They didn't even know where
to put the tongue depressor,

and they were rude
during my breast exam.

They're allergists.

So on top of everything,
I might have been molested.
I mean, where does it end?

(SCOFFS)

Here.
MAN: Step down.

Why, thank you.

Ooh!

These, they're mine.

Thanks for the ride.

I usually walk,
but I forgot my mace.

It's really good
for scaring people off,

but it's pretty heavy
to carry around

on a daily basis.

I should really see
if Medieval Times

has a travel-sized one.
JOEL: Ginny, hey.

I know you're still
mad at me, but...

How many different ways
can I say "Leave me alone"?

There's nine
ways in Eskimo,

but most are
used on bears.

Okay, I know the car
is fixed, but I still want

to give you something
for your trouble.

So...
(SIGHS)

I got my second-to-last
stamp on my sandwich card.

Now, the next
one is full price,

but the one after that,
totally free.

Joel, you borrow money
from people and then
you don't pay it back.

You drink
people's coffee,

and when you ate
Lorna's lasagna,

did you even return
the Tupperware?

Well, no, it's soaking.

You want everything
to be cool,

but sometimes
it isn't cool.

And then somehow
I'm the uncool one

because someone
scratches my car,

and I want them
to leave a note!

A note?
It shouldn't be so
hard to acknowledge

that something
happened, Joel.

To respect
someone's feelings.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(EASY LISTENING MUSIC BLARING)

JOEL: What if I buy
the next sandwich...

...and then give
you the card?

Oh, do you think
she's gonna circle
back around?

I, I don't get it.
I have tried everything.

Joel, walk with me.

You're a good kid,

but you're prettier
than you are smart.

So I am gonna
help you out.

Three years ago,
you kissed Ginny
at the Christmas party,

then said "We're cool"
the next day.

(GROANS)
She stopped talking
to you for two weeks.

You didn't even notice.

I know this because
I found her journal

in a shoe box in
back of her closet
when I was house-sitting.

Man, I had no idea.

Yeah, I house-sit for
her pretty regularly.

I'm super tight
with her plants.

Ow. What?

I'm an inspiration?

No.

Hey, you're the
inspiration, kid.

I just got off the
phone with the Hu's.

Apparently, you paid them
a visit without my permission.

Well, I did go down
there to demonstrate how
out of line they'd been,

and it was actually
a very creative

and well thought out plan,
but they went nuts.

And you cannot trust
anything that they say.

Well, you don't
have to worry about
the Hu's anymore.

They're taking
Victor out of Nixon

and transferring him
over to Kennedy Middle.

I'm not supposed
to say this, but he
was my favorite.

It's all over.
Carl, it's not my fault.

I know it's
not your fault.

(SIGHS)
It's mine.

Oh, okay, good.

So, are we
friends again?

I don't know if we were
ever friends, Meredith.

Crazy week, huh?
Huh.

I heard Victor Hu
is transferring.

Mmm-hmm.
That's a bummer.

He does my taxes.

Well, I say
good riddance.

His moms
are the pits.

Carl is so
depressed about it

and upset with me.

(SCOFFS) It's like,
what's the fuss?

It's one tiny student.

No, no, no, it...
It's not just one student.

It, it's 30 students,
three teachers...

...and-and a janitor.
They've all transferred
to Kennedy this year.

Wait, why?
I don't know.

More money,
better resources.

They don't have
to inflate their basketballs
at a gas station.

I mean, Carl's been
doing backflips

to make everyone so happy,
but they keep jumping ship.

Who cares?

Carl cares.

Why do you think he put
on such a nice open house

for the parents
with the smooth jazz
and the cheese?

Why do you think
he cares about you
apologizing to the Hu's?

You know, you've been
so worried about
being disrespected,

when the real
person being
disrespected was Carl.

But by other people.

Really?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Hey.

Grab your coat.
We're going to Kennedy.

Why? Are they hiring?
Come on!

The juice bar lady said their
tour started 15 minutes ago.

The Hu's should be
in auditorium three.

Man, what school
has three auditoriums?

This place is
like Versailles, which
I toured once...

Virtually.

Nope, Esteban, you quit.

You are dead to me.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

How can they afford
all this teak?
I don't know.

MEREDITH:
Victor!

Seriously? Again?

Man, the acoustics
in here are amazing.

Unique New York,
unique New York.

MAN:
Excuse me.

Hi. You here
with the tour?

We need to talk to Victor.
We want him back.

We're not
listening to this.

Mom, they've
been good to me.
Let them speak.

Victor,
you belong at Nixon.

DR. HU:
But everything's
better here.

Not everything
at Kennedy is better.

At Nixon, you only have
21 kids per class.

At Kennedy, you have 28.

Well, because so
many Nixon students keep
transferring to Kennedy.

(LAUGHTER)

If you're looking for
a Nixon-Kennedy debate,
pal, you just found one.

Wonderful.

Oh, now you leave a note.

Oh.
(CHUCKLES)

Hey, I really am sorry.

I'm sorry about
a lot of things.

Too little,
too late, Joel.

But the thing I'm
most sorry about is
that we never talked

about what happened
at the Christmas
party, you know.

So you do remember.
Yeah, of course.

I mean, the two of us
under the mistletoe.

In the parking lot.

Well, we had
a lot of eggnog.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, I, I rarely
drink anymore.
No good comes from it.

Well, I mean, some
good came from it.

I got to make out with
a really hot girl

in a light-up
Rudolph sweater.

That was the one
literal bright light in
a pretty rough Christmas.

I, I had just broken up
with my long-term girlfriend.

We were supposed
to get married.

You know, I, I bought
a ring and everything.

You never told me that.
Not to mention,

I had just gotten
bumped from the playoffs
in my fantasy football league.

Yeah, you told me
about that several times.

Anyways, um,
I'm sorry I didn't
handle things well.

But you're right.

I need to start owning
my mistakes, so...

Okay.

We're cool.

Cool.
(KNOCKING)

Kiss her!

Not that kind
of moment, Kim.

Kiss me.

Our soda machines
only charge
75 cents a can.

I noticed yours
charge a dollar.

We discourage our students
from drinking soda.

That's why we
offer a complimentary
fresh juice bar.

Oh. Juice.

Well, maybe Victor
doesn't like fresh juice.

Are you kidding?
I love fresh juice.

Okay, Meredith,
this isn't working.

No, no, not yet.

He forgot the most important
thing at Nixon Middle.

He's standing
right here.

This man cares

so much that
he ignored, like,

a huge file of
complaints about me.
(COUGHS LOUDLY)

And more importantly,

he has not missed
one day of school.

That is, count them...
Five days a week.

Which feels
excessive to me,
but not to him.

He's even been
teaching Victor calculus
in his free time.

It was your Christmas
present, Moms.

Aw.

Last year,
we got trigonometry.

Look, Carl lives
and breathes Nixon so much

that it's easy
to take him for granted

and forget everything
that he does for us.

And, uh...

And I honestly never
thought I would say this

about a middle
school principal, but...

I respect him.

(WHISPERING)
Now say it's fine
and walk away.

Okay. Okay.

You know what, Victor?

If you want to
stay at Kennedy, then
you should stay.

I don't know
about this, Meredith.

Hey, people respond
to those that
reject them, okay?

This is sort of my
area of expertise.

It's gonna be good.

Well, I've always said,
Meredith, you are unorthodox.

Principal Carl?

But I get through
to the kids.

And that is why
I respect you.

VICTOR:
Principal Carl...

I choose Nixon.

Let him hang.

This is where we go
for something extra.

Maybe new earrings
for me, maybe a
beanbag chair for you.

I'm just saying.

Yeah, but I already
got everything I wanted.

(GRUNTS)

If Victor wants
to stay, it's okay.

We want him to be happy.

So do we. That's one
thing we can agree on.

I guess so.

But we're keeping
our eyes on you.

It's hard to take
your eyes off me.
I get it.

That's not
what I meant.

(SIGHS)

Damn, that was
a good Christmas.

♪ Be good, be good,
be good, be good

♪ Be good, be good!

♪ Johnny! ♪