Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 9 - Life Science - full transcript

- (rattling doorknob)
- Uh-uh. No, no, no, no!

This is my guest house!

Why don't you find your own
place to go to the bathroom?

Come on, Meredith.

You know Brie won't let
the help in the house.

This isn't fair, man.

Lupe blew up her burrito
in my microwave yesterday.

And you guys use all the toilet paper,

which doesn't just
steal itself from my job,

by the way.

(knocking on door)



Oh, my God!

Hi, Mere-bear. (Gasps)

Oh, no, a leaf blower?

Did you have to get a second job?

Brie, isn't there any other place

your staff can take their breaks?

- I'm sorry, Mere. They track mud all over.
- Yes.

Yeah, but if I was okay
with that type of filth,

I'd get a dog.

And then, there'd be a dog
person in here, too, so...

- You're welcome.
- Um...

Listen, Frank and I are
going away this weekend,

and I was hoping you could watch Lily.

No.



Brie, it's like you've forgotten
that I'm your best friend,

and you invited me to live
here while I recovered from

my extremely upsetting divorce.

We'd pay you, of course.

Well, no amount of money is gonna...

Wow. It's really heavy.

Some's for you, some's for Lily's food,

and there's an extra hundred in there

to buy her something so she
knows we feel bad about missing

the science fair.

You know, something that
says, "You're my favorite..."

(whispers): And thank God
only... "stepdaughter."

- Right.
- Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Uh-uh, Lupe. You are not
microwaving that in here.

But it's muy frio.

Yeah, and it is "mow-we,
mow-we" annoying!

Oh, hi.

What's that? You got toilet paper in there?

You steal from your job, I steal from mine.

(sighs) I got to find a new place to live.

You, uh, searching the
kids' emergency contacts

for dads' phone numbers again?

Well, I need a rich dad,
and it's an emergency.

Hmm.

If I don't meet someone, like, right now,

I'm gonna have to pay
for my own place to live.

And that's expensive.

They want first and last month's rent,

plus security. It's, like, for what?

When I break the light
fixture trying to hang myself?

Hey, if you want to crash
with me, my mom and my sisters,

I'll give you the futon, and
I can sleep on the treadmill.

It's not as bad as it sounds, because

the incline actually
helps my acid reflux, so...

Bingo! Katie Shaw,

two parents addresses.

That means divorced.

"Hi, Dr. Shaw!

Katie fell down a well,

and you need to get here
as soon as possible""

Too much?

Okay, folks, quick heads up.

I will be training Kim in
fight prevention this week.

And I am proud to report,
we have not had a fight

in over a month here at Nixon Middle.

- Yay-oh!
- The key is not to call them fights.

So, we have had four skirmishes,
two tussles and half a fracas.

And... now I yield the
floor to our two co-chairs

of the Tournament of Little Scientists,

Ginny and Irene.

Irene!

Thank you.

Irene and I are very excited

to be co-chairing for
our seventh year in a row.

No seven year itch here, right, Irene?

Right. We're so happy, because this year...

Anyway, as most of you know,

we equally divide the duties.

So, if you need help with
awards distribution, talk to me.

And if you need help with name tags,

check-in, bathroom maintenance,

sawdust for vomit incidents,
or... my personal specialty...

pest removal... then
you just come talk to me.

Okeydokey, see you all tomorrow, 9:00 a.m.

Tomorrow's Saturday!

I don't even get out of bed on Saturdays,

unless it is to get someone
in my bed on Saturdays.

Okay, normally, you would have my sympathy.

Actually, no, you wouldn't.

But don't worry. It's... it's not that bad.

Hey, can you keep a secret?

We bet big on the Little Scientists.

Which some would say is immoral,

but you have no morals,
so, welcome to our pool!

Thank you.

Nobody outside the coaching
staff or the woodshop guys

knows about this.

Everybody put in $400. Last year,

- Coach Donnie here won five G's.
- What?

Yeah, but then, I doubled
down on the spelling bee,

got screwed.

Now I live at the YMCA.

MEREDITH: All right.

$400. That's steep.

But I need a new apartment.

Got to spend money to make money.

- I'm in.
- What, you just have 400 bucks on you?

Yeah, well, I'm baby-sitting Lily

over the weekend, and it's for food. Oh!

I just decided we're on
a cleanse. No food needed!

Ah, nice business plan. Up high.

- Proceed.
- Okay.

So you got to pick a winner for each round.

But figuring out which
kid is gonna come out

on top of the whole tournament...

that's what's gonna
win you the entire pool.

So I just pick the
smartest kid to win, right?

I mean, you could, but
a lot of people do that,

and then you'll have to be splitting

the pot a bunch of ways, and then,

you won't even have enough money
to cover first month's rent,

or the garbage bag to move your stuff in.

So, what am I supposed to do?

Okay, so, the way to win the
pool and to not have to split it

is you got to pick a kid
nobody else thinks can win.

And then make sure they win.

Got it.

♪ Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! ♪

I decided to start today
so you could get a dose

of a normal day and a special event,

like the science fair.

Because there will be a fight tomorrow.

The dirty little secret is,
when bullies aren't around,

nerds are total bastards.

You don't have to tell me that.

I went to Space Camp.

The key is to recognize
the fight hot spots.

That north wall... that's
close to the computer lab.

That's where all the dorks hang out.

But it also borders the gym,

which sets up a lot of
jock-on-dork violence.

- Now, this eastern corridor...
- Oh.

this is where the goths exit the darkroom,

and they infringe on the drama geeks.

But their fights are
mostly slapping, crying,

the occasional poetry slam.

Finally, there are the unclaimed.

These are the students that don't fit in

to any particular category.

They cling to the outside of
my office in their fearful way,

desperately avoiding the
attacks of all other factions.

There's nobody sadder than the unclaimed.

Just having my lunch.

Okay.

- (school bell ringing)
- MEREDITH: Lily!

What's up, L-dog?

Just us girls this freak-end!

So, no partying tonight, okay?

We got to break it down

study-style, so you can for
sure win the science tournament

tomorrow, right?

I don't know.

It's gonna be hard without my dad there.

Last year, I lost in the first
round because I got nervous.

And he's been working on it with me, but,

I still thought he was
gonna come for moral support.

Well, I'm gonna be
there, and I can help you.

- Why would you want to help?
- I love science.

Air, water,

the continents.

So, what is your project about

and what are its chances of winning?

- Well, my project is awesome.
- Oh, good.

I took two plants, and I
gave them sun and water.

But I gave one special attention
to see if it would grow more.

Is this plant gonna have to point out

on a plant doll where you touched it?

- I just talked to it.
- Mm-hmm.

And sang to it.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, okay.

I may hugged it twice.

But that's not the point. It grew... a lot.

Great! This is gonna be
so good for both of us.

What are you gonna wear?

(gasps) We should get blowouts.

Um, it's a science fair.
It's about the science.

Okay, I'm gonna go give
the opening remarks.

Uh, awesome.

I was actually thinking

there's a few things
I could throw in that...

Irene, we divide duties.

I give the opening remarks

because I'm a natural public speaker.

And look at what a great
job you did on these floors.

You are a natural linoleum polisher.

Thank you. Thank you.

JOEL: I saw your bracket.

I think Lily is a great choice.

She is. She's gonna win the whole thing.

And she didn't even need my help.

Also, last night, I went online,
I found the perfect apartment.

And it's across the street
from a Porsche dealership.

So, all the rich guys are
gonna have two great options

for their midlife crisis. (Clicks tongue)

Ooh!

I...

keep my fertilizer...

in a warm place

in my back...

uh, yard.

Uh...

- Oh, God, she's freezing up.
- Okay, yeah, hold on.

- Maybe she'll pull it out.
- LILY: Okay.

This... this plant grew more than that one.

Or maybe not.

That selfish bitch.

GINNY: Okay.

Thank you, Lily.

And next, we are going to be moving over

to see Lily's competition, Victor Hu.

When he's ready,

he'll show us his project,

growing a whole starfish

from a single arm.

I mean, there is no way

Lily's sad presentation
is gonna beat Victor Hu.

Well, that's what teachers are for...

make kids beat themselves.

Victor, hi. Walk with me.

Did you know I dated a doctor?

He gave me lots of stuff.

Most of which went away with medication.

Don't worry about it. But he also gave me

this... a pad of presigned doctor's notes.

- Okay, I really have to get back to...
- Yeah. How much

do you hate gym class? Because...

I can make that go away. (Laughs) Yeah.

I set out to grow an entire
starfish from a single arm.

It didn't work.

(crowd murmuring)

Oh, well.

JOEL: Maybe next year, guys.

All right.

The craziest thing just happened.

Victor Hu just choked.

Well, at least, he's doing better

than the formerly
star-shaped fella in here.

Ugh! I mean, is there
anything you won't do to win?

A gym teacher.

Advancing to the next
round will be Lily Parker.

(applause) Yes! We did it!

You told me you had this
tournament in the bag.

But you don't. That's okay, because

you have 15 minutes before you go on again,

and I know what to do.

Tensions run high at special school events.

Kids are out of their element.

You've got parents,
teachers... it is a powder keg.

- I'm scared.
- Fear is good. Keeps you on your toes.

But you want to protect
yourself at all times,

or before you know it, you'll
be getting your nurples purpled.

And you have not known shame

until you have to write the word
"nurple" on an insurance form.

- GIRL: Ha-ha. Nice backpack.
- Kim, you hear that?

A girl giving another girl a
compliment is never sincere.

No one ever had a nice backpack. Come on!

There's gonna be a girl fight,
and you are gonna break it up.

Girls are the most brutal. Get
in there, drop an expression

of dominance on them.

I like to throw a little
Batman voice in there;

really send the message home.

KIM: Um...

Hey, ladies. I couldn't help

- but notice...
- (bystanders gasp)

Gentlewomen, end this now.

(deep voice): Or you'll
find out how I will end it.

GIRL: Sorry, Principal Carl.

I knew I wasn't cut out for this.

Well, you tried, Kim. That's
the most important part

of fight prevention. And life.

Wow, so many things are about
one thing and also about life.

Mm-hmm. I love to make dip.

(Ginny giggles)

Oh, yes.

And glasses.

Oh, you look so smart.

Lost and Found comes through again.

Just don't use condoms from there.

Trish Kelly learned that
lesson freshman year.

That lesson just turned 12.

I don't know about all this stuff.

It... it feels wrong.

Someday you're gonna learn

that anything worth doing feels wrong.

And we're not changing the data.

We're just zhuzzing up how we say it.

It's like science on cocaine.

Which is not cool.

"Don't do drugs."

Ready to see me win some money?

I fixed Lily's presentation.

My stepmom and dad said
I couldn't get a puppy.

So they got me a plant.

(everyone awwing sympathetically)

LILY: Life gave me lemons,

and I made science.

(rock music begins)

(whooping)

I showered one plant with attention

to see if it would grow bigger

- Science, science, science...
- ... and better than this one.

So... do you want to see it?

- Yeah!
- (Cheering)

I can't hear you. Who wants to see it?

- (cheering)
- Here is the plant that love built!

(cheering)

Heck, yeah, it worked!

By a whopping 140 millimeters.

(cheering and applause)

That is, uh... that's pretty impressive.

She killed it.

Thank you.

I... I want to announce this one.

Uh, too late

'cause I already have the clipboard.

But you can announce the
garbage cans are empty

after you've emptied
them. Oh, and cute wig.

Okay. And moving on to the next round is...

Lily and her amazing plant!

(cheering and applause) Hey-o!

(Joel whoops)

Wait, why are you cheering?

What? I picked a long
shot to win, too. Oops.

My loser? But you know I need that money...

They clapped for me.

- Aren't you happy?
- I'm so happy.

But, apparently, I'm splitting
my happiness two ways.

Walk, walk, walk.

I can't believe you
piggybacked on my long shot.

I need this. What do
you need the money for?

A fancy whistle? Formal sweatpants?

I'm actually helping my mom
with her cataract surgery.

- Aw...
- And/or getting a new PlayStation.

Well, then get a better job. Look at me.

I don't belong here. I
used to have everything,

and now I'm basically living in
the guest house of my old life.

An apartment for me isn't just a place

to do filthy things with rich men...

it's my chance to start over.

So, sorry if I don't care

about some gym teacher's mom's broken eyes.

This money means I can move
out and finally start over.

I found Lily, I got her here,
I deserve to win the pool.

Find your own nobody to bet on.

And now...

our first Little Scientists finalist,

Lily Parker.

(whoops)

People say plants just need

sunlight and water and... whatever.

But people are dumb
and hurt other people...

Time out!

Time out! (Chuckles)

Time out. Can I talk to you?

What are you doing?

You're blowing everything.

You only care 'cause you're betting on me.

There are no time-outs in science.

The pressure is getting to her.

(gasps) I have got just the thing for you.

Hey. Go get half a benzo
out of Sally Kimball's desk.

And make sure you replace it with a Tic Tac

so she doesn't know any
are missing. And make sure

you don't take any of the eight Tic Tacs

that are already in there.

Now scat.

Principal Carl,

Ms. Davis and Coach Kotsky

are betting on the science fair.

They don't care about the tournament

or the kids in it.

Lily, wait...

You're not going anywhere, Ms. Davis.

Betting on a school function?

That is unacceptable.

Okay, okay. Here's the truth.

Joel's running everything,

so you should really be
focusing your anger on him,

not me. And don't listen to his sob story

about his mom's broken eyes.

CARL: Illegal wagering on a school event?

- Really?
- JOEL: We don't... we don't call it

gambling. You know, w... we see it more

as an experiment in probability.

Coach Kotsky, don't you dare
try and put lipstick on this pig.

I'm confiscating that pool
money when this is over.

I am very disappointed that
you have tarnished the good name

of Richard Nixon Middle School.

This is why I have to
bug all of the offices.

Now let's get back to the fair.

Lily, when you told me about
your project on the bus,

I thought it sounded good.
I thought you could win.

- Yeah, we both did.
- Yeah, but I thought so first and he cheated off me.

LILY: Just let me pack up.

It's over.

I bet on you because I believe in you.

I know people say that to kids
all the time, but I mean it.

I put my money where my mouth is.

Money is way more valuable than free words.

Lily, we could sit here and argue

about how Ms. Davis feels about you,

but we both know how she feels about money.

(chuckles) She does like money.

- I do. I...
- She loves it.

It's one of her likes on Facebook.

Look, your project, talking to plants,

in the real world, is so sad.

Like "Benihana-for-one" sad. But here

it's great. So don't you want
to go in there and try to win?

Because I really think you can.

I know I can.

Good girl.

"Benihana for one." That
is... that is very sad.

I once heard Carl make a
reservation there for one,

and it stuck with me.

LILY: Is positive attention
as essential as sun,

food and water to grow? As of last night,

my plant had grown 140
millimeters more than that one.

What gives, Fingerprints?

I'm presenting this.

Every year, I get stuck
with all the terrible jobs.

And you know what?

I'm the science teacher.

These are my star students.

And I am announcing the winner.

And if you don't like it,
you can have your own fair.

Oh, wait, a stupid history fair?

No one would give a...

(whispers): rat's hindquarters.

And today my plant grew an
additional two millimeters.

Nurturing is the key
to growing your plants.

And you know what? It
works with people, too.

You know, she's talking about me.

I'd like to dedicate this to my dad.

- Ooh.
- (Applause)

I don't see him here.

I understand that you're upset.

But I am presenting

this trophy.

- Oh, Irene, no.
- Oh, yes, I am.

- Really...
- Excuse me.

Not now, Kim.

Yes, now. Dear teachers

for whom I have a deep admiration...

Um, Batman voice.

(deep, growly voice):
The kids are watching.

Is this what you want them to see?

- Wow.
- Kim's James Earl Jones impression is right.

- It is?
- Yes, it is, Kim. I'm very proud of you.

I knew you could do it. Well,

it just took you believing in me

and a Tic Tac from Sally Kimball.

I think it was a Tic Tac. I don't know.

I feel terrible, Irene.

I guess I was just working so hard

that I lost sight of how
hard you were working, too.

Maybe even a scootch more than me, so...

you should announce the winner.

Oh, no, Ginny.

You should announce the...

Okay, great!

The winner of

the 2014 Tournament

of Little Scientists is...

Lily Parker!

(cheering and applause)

I told you.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Thanks.

I never thought I could win.

But are you mad that
you didn't get any money?

- I know you wanted to move.
- Oh. That was

barely enough for a studio.
It's like, what am I, a runaway?

- It was nice having you here.
- Thanks.

But I'm still mad at Dad and Brie, though.

Go easy on them, okay? And, remember,

your biological mother's
a total nightmare, too.

- Anyway, go show your friends your trophy.
- All right.

- Congratulations.
- JOEL: I'm... I'm really sorry

we bet on the science fair.
You know, it won't happen again.

Well, it was nice seeing
the kids and the teachers

wrapped up in this one together.

- Now hand over the cash.
- (Groans)

Ugh...

Sixty-five dollars!

That is quite a haul. You know what?

I'm gonna give this to the kids.

- Wow.
- MEREDITH: Oh, God.

Because I've actually been
trying to raise money to fix

the Nixon mural.

- That is a fantastic idea. Here you go.
- (Gasps)

Thank you.

(clears throat) It's...

it's $100.

(clicks tongue)

Looks like I'm gonna have
to contribute the rest.

- That's so cool.
- (Chuckles) Well, use it wisely.

That is my Benihana money.

- Okay, that felt wrong.
- Well...

that's how you know it was worth doing.

♪ This is your payback,
moneygrabber... ♪

Looks like you showed your
plant some love and she grew.

MEREDITH: Ugh. Don't be weird.

Where's my money?

I always thought I'd be leaving
this on your dresser. Hmm.

So, what are you gonna do with it?

Well, it's not enough
to move out, but, uh...

I have some ideas.

(rattling doorknob)

LOUIS: Miss Meredith?
Sweetie, my key's not working.

Did you change the locks?
Lupe has to heat up her soup.

Oh, no. Too bad.

Better tell Lupe to start
packing some sandwiches.