Bad Judge (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Knife to a Gunfight - full transcript

.
What, warrants piling up? Evidence to review?
- Fully loaded potato skin Tuesday.
Oh, I had a craving,
It's much funner to share it with your favorite bailiff.
- Uh-uh, no, no, I can't eat like that.
Look, next thing you know, I'll have a belly
And look like winnie-the-pooh in all my t-shirts.
Take a subtle, very subtle look across the bar.
See that guy sitting over there?
He look familiar? - Where? Where?
- Didn't I try him in my courtroom a couple years back?
Yes, that's him. That's the guy.
I know, it's byron cash. I remember him.
Remember the case? - Yeah, yeah, drugs, weapons.
I can't believe he's out already.
An ex-con chilling at a cop bar,
A cop bar everybody knows is judge wright's spot.
Don't feel right. Mm-mm, nah.
[shouting] don't...Feel right!
- Okay, take it down a notch, tedward.
Come on, man, I'm a judge.
These things happen all the time.
You try a guy, you put 'em away, they get out.
Stab you in the head. Yeah, I know how it goes.
- Starting to freak me out.
- We have the upper hand right now.
Let's not waste it.
As your court officer,
Everything I am,
Everything I know
Has led to this moment.
[whitney houston's I will always love you plays]
And if that man has harm planned for you,
It is my duty to stand between you
And that harm.
- Tedward, are you saying
You want to be the black kevin costner
To my white whitney houston?
- He's on the move--I got to get you out of here safe.
- [whispers] what are you doing...
With your jacket?
This doesn't just happen.
[upbeat music]
¶ ¶
- Did you get the charlie lewis case?
All right, don't over-think this one, judge.
Cut and dry.
Your only decision is gonna be 25 years or life.
- Guy does not deserve 25 to life, tom.
- Are you kidding? It's a slam dunk.
The law means this third strike
Is mandatory minimum.
- Yeah, but look at his crimes, tom.
Strike one-- grand theft auto.
- Come on!
- [groans]
- Seriously.
Strike two-- grand larceny.
This one is really stretching it.
- Hey, man, don't sweat it.
I'm gonna pay for everything I eat.
- You're gonna pay $300 for a jar of caviar?
- [laughs maniacally]
Oh!
- Which brings us to this case,
His third strike.
- Mother of pearl handle, very nice.
[whistles]
2 hunny?
That's pretty steep, my man.
All right, I'm taking the pretty knife,
So nobody do anything stupid.
Well, well, well.
Looks like we got ourselves a standoff.
- The guy literally brought a knife to a gun fight.
I mean, the only person he endangered was himself.
- I'm gonna put this guy away for a long, long time.
- Tom--tom!
Tom, three strikes is misguided, and you know it.
It was meant to keep murderers, rapists,
And child molesters off the street.
And instead we're... - Judge hernandez!
- Handing down sentences to guys like charlie--
- Judge hernandez, your honor, your honor,
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look, judge gandhi here is trying to pull off
Her philosophical anarchism nonsense.
- Listen, you two, it's my week off,
And I'm not gonna spend any me time
Refereeing one of your annoying little scraps.
- No-- - so, counselor,
Man up. - You mean mani-pedi up.
- And judge wright,
You follow the letter of the law.
Understood?
- Understood, sir.
And have a wonderful time on your vacation.
- Thank you. - Yeah, at what I can
Only assume is a navajo surf camp.
No, no...[chuckles]. - Oh, hi, judge.
Is it casual Friday?
'cause I'm in the mood for a little casual ah-ah!
You know?
- Good god.
- Sorry!
Wait!
Did I misread this whole situation?
- I wish I hadn't seen any of that.
- Tom, I'm just asking you to be reasonable.
Of course charlie deserves some jail time, okay?
But 25 to life?
That's what we give violent criminals.
It just--just-- it just doesn't fit.
- Well, judge, I'm the d.A.
So I'm gonna do what I want.
- I just hope charlie has a good defense attorney.
- Your honor, I've decided to represent myself.
And I just want to say I, uh--
I think it's cool they're letting chicks
Do this whole judge thing now.
[rock music]
¶ ¶
- [sighs]
Tedward, I got this, okay?
Just like I told you when you stood guard
Outside my stall in the ladies' room.
- Oh, you know, yeah, okay, that was--
That was a bad-- that was a bad idea.
- You think?
Until I'm sure that byron cash is not a threat.
[alarm disengage beep] got some of the p.D. Guys
On the lookout too.
- Tedward, I miss my van.
Rental car place only had these mini suvs left.
I'm like a chick magnet for 30-something lesbians.
- Hey, judge wright.
Is that your new ride?
Dig it.
- See what I mean? Actually, she's kind of cute.
- Yeah. [women singing on radio]
- You know, there was this one time in college I did--
- Uh, believe me--believe me, I want to hear this story.
Like, I do. I want to hear exactly what you did.
- Yeah, you do. - But for now--
What is that?
What is that?
- It's just a...Note.
"you ready to die?"
No signature.
- You need more evidence than this?
- All right.
- Byron cash wants revenge.
Look, no more screwing around, judge.
You're getting a gun.
- I'm not getting a gun. - Yes, you are.
- I'm not getting a gun!
When I miss the breakfast cutoff.
You want to add a weapon to that mix?
- You deal with violent criminals.
- And one of them might be screwing with me right now.
Okay, I get it, tedward. I do.
So I'll lock my doors,
And I'll even have the cops drive by.
- That's not enough.
[quirky music]
¶ ¶
- Rebecca...
Rebecca!
- [screams]
Aaaahhhh! - Not the face!
Not the face!
- What!
.
I climbed on top of you, and I strangled you.
Guess what--you're dead. - [groans]
- You didn't even wake up.
And why is your alarm code 69, 69?
- Because it's hilarious!
- Well, I guessed it right away.
Reprogram it.
- I don't know how to reprogram it.
What am I, nasa? - Judge--
Judge, this is what I'm worried about.
Okay, it's not just this one guy.
Someone in your position is always vulnerable.
I just want you to be able to protect yourself
If it comes to that.
- Okay, fine, you're right.
I'll get a gun.
We'll go shopping for it tomorrow.
- Great.
- [sighs]
- Oh, I hope you don't mind.
I, uh, I made a sandwich.
- Mr. Lewis, please approach the bench.
That's a great color on you. - Thank you.
You are aware of your right to waive a jury trial.
I mean, one very reasonable judge
Versus 12 unpredictable jurors,
It's-- - permission to approach.
- You might want to move your briefcase, counselor.
- It's fine. It's fine. This, this--you're helping.
- No. - You're not allowed to help.
- I am merely informing mr. Lewis of his rights.
They law may not be fair, but his trial should be.
- Your honor, I want a jury. I have a strong case.
And don't forget--everyone underestimated elle woods too.
- Elle woods?
Are you referring to the film legally blonde?
- "all people see when they look at me is blonde hair
And big boobs."
That was all I saw.
And it was wrong.
Let's not make the same mistake.
- It's a valuable lesson.
You can-- - sit down.
- The defense will illustrate that there is no possible way
That the defendant could have attempted to steal this knife.
It's--it--
[knife clattering]
It doesn't fit.
The handle is too small for my hand.
If the knife doesn't fit, you must acquit.
- Mr. Lewis... [clears throat]
- Permission to also approach, you honor.
- Permission denied. Sit.
- Oh. - Yeah.
There's video footage of you holding the knife.
- Think that'll be a problem?
- You know, you seem to be an avid student
Of film and television.
The, uh, law & order show criminal intent.
- Okay. - Huh?
- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I will show that my client
Had no law & order: Criminal intent
Of stealing said knife
Until after he entered the gun store.
And in accordance with california penal code, uh...
Ooh.
- [coughs] 45..
[high-pitched voice] 9.
I love the german language, don't you?
- Uh, code 459--without prior criminal intent,
An act of theft
Shall not be considered felony burglary.
Boo-yah!
I want the truth!
I can't handle the truth!
- That's recess.
Recess for two hours.
[ahem] so where do we go to get these guns?
- I don't know. Mine are state-issued.
- I wonder where the defendant went.
He had a revolver, a semiautomatic,
And some old-timey dueling pistols pulled on him.
Obviously they have a wide selection.
Oh, well, guns, guns, guns.
- Judge, I'm really glad we're doing this.
[gunshot] - mm-hmm.
- You're not just my boss. - No.
- Okay, nope, no, no, going to a mushy place, freaking out--
Make it stop. - There is a giant ex-con
After you, and you're freaking out
About a little emotion? - Yeah. Yippee-ki-ay.
- Whoa, hey, hey, what are you doing?
You don't just shoot your weapon.
Your first defense start here.
Gun face.
- Well, it's basically my "who ate all the pie?" face
- Yeah. - But with crazy eyes.
[gunshot] so it'd be like...
- Yeah, I like that. - Right?
- All right. I like to try before I buy, so...
- Ladies first.
Whoo! Nice!
Hello, your honor.
Someone's been playing a little late-night call of duty.
- Nah, I grew up with guns.
When janna hunsinger's dad was taking her to ballet class,
My dad was taking me to the desert to blast tin cans.
I was the only 11-year-old in the county
With a license to carry.
- That explains a lot.
- All right, come on, you're up, cowboy.
- [clears throat]
[gunshot]
Aah!
Nailed it!
Boom!
Whoo!
- This is my "bailiff screams like a little girl" face.
- That is hurtful.
- This car is like a corrective toddler shoe.
- Women love baby shoes. They think it's cute.
- Well, not everything small is cute.
- Ah, ah, left my wallet in the car.
- Hey. No-- hey, stay in my sights, okay?
- Oh, come on, that's ridiculous, tedward.
- Hey, I was looking for you.
- Oh!
Judge hernandez. - You idiot! Get off me!
- I thought you were on vacation.
- I was!
Would you stop?
- Okay, is now a bad time
To take a crack at resort-casual bolo tie?
'cause I am sitting on a good one, sir.
Okay, it can wait.
.
Your bailiff to body-slam me!
- You honor, I am sorry.
I was just trying to protect her.
- He thought you were someone else.
We're so sorry.
Sir, that will never happen again.
- Tom called me about the charlie lewis case.
- He tattled?
- Judge wright, I am well aware
Of your feelings about three strikes.
You are not here to fix the law.
You're here to uphold it.
Do your job.
Now, I'm off to my massage.
- You want me to-- - [blusters]
If I'm called away to deal with any more of your nonsense,
There will be no happy ending.
I heard it. Not a word.
Both: He said "happy ending."
[both laughing]
- He is mad, though, huh?
- Yeah, dude. Okay, dude, you know what?
I'm about to go all commanding officer
From every bad cop movie ever made on your ass.
Do you know how much crap I just ate
For that little stunt you pulled back there?
You're a good officer, but you're a hothead.
And you're costing millions of dollars to the city
In damages.
I always wanted to do that.
- That was intimidating. I was scared.
- I'm serious, and the point is, you got to stand down, tedward.
- Ah. Look, I fear for your safety.
I think you still might be in a little danger.
- Well, okay, but there's more pressing issues
Than the hypothetical problem of byron, okay?
He's gonna end up spending the rest of his life in jail.
- You think I want to hear this anymore?
I don't want to hear it! Shut--stop!
Stop!
Oh, I see.
I see. Okay.
Okay, yeah, yeah, you're in charge.
You're in charge.
You're damn right I'm in charge!
Shut your mouth! - Oh, my god.
- Oh. - That's not good.
- I need your expert psychiatric opinion on charlie lewis.
I think he's not just-- hmm, how should I say--dim.
I think he might be cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
I mean, total cuckoo-roo nut balls mcgee.
- Okay, yeah, I'm not sure that's the official diagnosis
That we use, but--
- Can you evaluate him for me, please?
Because if you can find anything clinical--
I can probably get the jury to maybe go easier on him.
- [clears throat] dr. Boyd, judge...
- Hmm? - You need to hear this.
Blocked phone call on line one.
- [breathing heavily] - ooh.
- Let me find byron cash and shut this down.
- No. Tedward, come on-- - please, this dude is crazy.
- Tedward, that could be
This asthmatic hammer thrower I dated.
Just let it go.
- Okay, um, what the hell was that?
- Oh, well, there was a circus coming through town,
And this guy threw hammers.
It was pretty hot. You had to be there.
- No, no, not that. That.
- Oh, oh, yeah. No, there's this ex-con that I put away.
He may or may not be stalking me.
Tedward's freaking out. - What?
Well, why didn't you tell me?
- Because... - No, no, no--that's it.
I'm staying over. - Oh, hey, hey, easy, tiger.
I know you've been gunning for that toothbrush position,
And it ain't gonna happen. - [sighs]
Come on, I'm really worried about you,
You know, as a friend and someone who cares.
- Well, don't worry, all right?
We've got excellent security here at the courthouse,
As you can see, and I'm gonna get a gun.
- You? A gun? That's, uh, that's not a good idea.
You have a temper. - No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do. You tell me all the time.
- No, but just hearing you say it
Makes me want to thump you in the nards, gary!
- Interesting. - [growls]
Seriously, gary...
Please, will you please just talk to charlie?
- All right, but I'm staying over tonight, okay?
With my steak knife duct-taped to the end of it.
- Ooh, I feel safer already.
- Go ahead, doc.
[austrian accent] I will open my mind to you.
- [normal voice] no, that was schwarzenegger
From total recall. I just like doing it.
- Charlie, your crimes so far have been theft related.
On a scale of one to ten,
How uncontrollable is your urge
To take things that are not yours?
- Zero.
- That's weird. I just had my pen.
Hey, charlie, is that my pen?
- This? - Yeah.
- No. It's--it's, uh...
Foot scratcher.
Hey, this might be something.
I breast-fed till I was five. Is that a thing?
'cause it feels like it might be a thing.
[elevator bell dings] - so it looks like you suffer
From an impulse-control disorder,
Exacerbated by concurrent personality disorders,
Which manifest mostly as kleptomania.
- Whoo-hoo.
You know, my--my testimony could help you get less time.
- Yeah, about that...
As my attorney,
I've advised myself not to allow that into evidence.
- Charlie, you know this could mean the difference
Between a few years and forever.
I got this jury wrapped around my little finger.
Besides, I don't want to be labeled as crazy.
That kind of thing doesn't sit too well
With the ladies. [squeaks lips]
- No, it doesn't.
- Oh!
Sorry, my man.
I believe these are yours.
- Hey. - Uh--it wasn't me.
- Do you kiss your wife with that lying mouth?
- Listen, gary evaluated charlie, okay?
He's got some extensive mental and psychological issues,
But he won't allow them admitted into the case.
I mean, you really want to throw the book at a guy
That's too incompetent to defend himself?
- Do you really want to live in a world
Can just repeat their bad behavior again and again?
- No, tom, I want to live in a world where nobody poops
And the matrix sequels don't suck, okay?
But this is a guy's life we're talking about.
This goes all the way back to law school, right?
You're this know-it-all that's bigger than the rules.
The rules don't apply to you, all right?
I follow the rules. - I know.
- Rules make life fair,
But you have to enforce them, okay?
So take gary's-- - oh, great, thank you!
- Oh, no, that was not-- come on, that wasn't on purpose.
I was just-- [light arguing]
- I've been looking for you.
- Oh, man, where's black kevin costner when you need him?
.
- You put me away for five years, judge.
- I was not on that...
Particular case.
- And I just want to say thank you.
- Because prison turned out to be so delightful?
- I was going down a bad road,
But I wasn't some kind of thug that hurt people.
The system was set up to just throw me out like garbage,
But you didn't let that happen.
Yeah, I got time,
But not so much I couldn't have a second chance.
- Mm.
- This is my family. - Sure.
- Oh, wow.
Cute kids, byron.
Tom...
Sometimes I do know what I'm doing.
- Yes, this one oddly,
Coincidentally very similar case.
I will think about it. Don't rub it in, okay?
- Is that your grandma?
- That's my wife.
- Ah, well...
Good luck to you, byron.
- Thanks again.
[groaning]
- Oh. Wha-- - are you all right?
- Whoo! I got your back, rebecca!
- Tedward! He was thanking me!
- Oh, that's nice.
Oh, man, hey. Hey, bro. Hey.
Hey, do not sue me. I can't--
Oh, I don't get paid enough.
- Man, his grandma/wife's gonna be pissed.
Gentlemen, you've reached an agreement?
- Yes, your honor.
The defendant agrees to plead guilty
To misdemeanor burglary
And will serve two years
At a minimum-security psychiatric facility.
- I think...
- Think the punishment fits the crime.
- And 'cause I didn't get to give closing statement
In front of the jury--
- Well-- - you promised.
No backsies. - No backsies, tom.
- Almost forgot about no backsies.
Yes, the prosecution, in turn, will allow mr. Lewis
To present his closing statement to the court.
He's all yours.
- Thank you, thomas.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
"these people don't dream about being rich.
"they dream about being able to watch their children
"swim in a pool
"without worrying that they're gonna have to get
A hysterectomy by the age of 20!"
- Erin brockovich. - Yes.
- Great flick. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I just remember her boobs.
- Well done, sir.
Both: Hey. - What's up?
- Came to reset your security system,
Make me feel better. - Mm-hmm.
- Gary's not much of a bodyguard and you won't get a gun.
- Oh, no, no, I got a gun. Look, it's right here.
Pretty cute, huh? Judy got it for me.
- Not bad. - Yeah.
You know what? And this is the only place
I feel comfortable carrying a gun.
You were wrong about byron, all right?
I told you--I don't ever want to be wrong about somebody
While carrying a gun,
But I did get this bad boy.
Rarr! Pshh!
My dad taught me how to use it.
Taught the whole family-- big hunting people.
- Who is your family-- duck dynasty?
Okay, so what about the note that byron left on your car?
- Oh, that was judy. - "you ready to die?"
If she wanted to go to a hot-yoga class.
By the way, I might have butt-dialed you during hot yoga.
Sorry. - Line one.
- Okay, heavy breathing. - Mm-hmm.
Mine's all full of buttons and doll heads.
Long story. - You know the way.
You want to hang out while judy bathes?
I mean, gary has a swiffer spear.
You got a crossbow, and judy naked.
- All right, just park your ass down, okay?
Because you're the one who made me learn her name.
- Hey.
I almost killed naked judy.
- You want it shaken or stirred?
- Clothed. - Too late for that, my friend.