Bad Judge (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - Judge and Jury - full transcript

.

[survivor's eye of the tiger]

- Drink.

¶ ¶

- Um, you know, this would be
a lot easier

If you each got your own lunch,
but, you know...

- We're training.

- Time.

- Half basket of fries,
no spills--that's a record.

- Oh, we are gonna crush it

At the fifth annual
serpico olympics on Friday



And putting our names back
on that belt where it belongs.

- The serpico what, now?

- Oh, it's an annual competition
of bar games.

Uh, tedward and I
against tom and...

Both: Jake.
- Yeah.

We've only lost once--
last year.

The loser has to spend a night
in jail.

- It was our darkest hour.

- Gary, you should totally
come--I mean, or not.

You know, whatever.
- Aw, that's sweet.

You want me to come be
your cheerleader.

- Whatever. I don't care.
- Come on.

You want it. Admit it.
- Yeah, I want you to.

Gary.
[laughs]



- Oh, y'all have, like,
this little, like,

Justin-and-selena thing
going on.

It's kind of cute.
- Oh, look who it is.

It's tom.

Hey.
How's jake?

- Jake is dead.
Both: What?

- He might as well be dead.

He broke his arm, so...
- Oh!

- Yes, he cannot do
the olympics.

We just have to push,
like, two weeks.

[both sobbing mockingly]
one week.

- No, no, no.
There's no pushing, tom.

The games play on.
You play through.

Remember last year, when tedward
was working with one eye?

One eye, and you made him
play through.

- Fine. I can do it.
It's not gonna be a problem.

- Oh, you're gonna
go down, tom.

There's no way you're gonna find
another partner by...

Both: Friday.
[laugh]

- By end of day today,
I will have a partner.

- E.O.D.? Okay.
- Oh.

- I just don't see
what the big deal is.

I mean, it's just bar games.
- Whoa. Hey.

Is it a game
when we play babysitter?

- This is a competition, gary,
all right?

Painstakingly crafted

To take place
in this bar every year.

- Best of luck, tom,

'cause you're gonna need it.

- Ooh, how did I know?

I don't know.
One mind?

Heh.
Fry.

Ow! Got my eye!
- Oh.

[upbeat music]

¶ ¶

- Judge, you really have to stop
just dumping all your mail

Over here in this corner.

- It's where I keep
my winter mail.

- Look at all these perfectly
good bed, bath & beyond coupons

You just let expire.

- I just like
the catalogs.

See, maybe I do need
christmas pants.

- Ooh, you are not going
to like this--jury summons.

- Ugh.

Eh.

- What are--

Okay, you cannot do that.

It's for tomorrow.
- What?

Let me see that.

Oh, all right.

- What are you talk--
no big deal?

What if you have to miss
the serpico olympics?

- Tedward, nobody's gonna put
a judge on their jury, okay?

Ooh, ooh, look, look,
it's dog steps for the bed.

Maybe I should get a dog.

Yeah.

Now that you know
what to expect,

I hope that you will find
jury service

To be a pleasant experience.

So I invite you to sit back,
relax...

That's me up there.

[laughs]

I know, right?

A better hair situation
in my life.

That chunky highlights
was just--

Whenever I tried it...

My name is
judge rebecca wright...

[cell phone vibrates, rings]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
Excuse me.

Number one, stop eating.

Number two, no cell phones.
It's written everywhere.

- By a jury of your peers...

Oh, yeah, I know.

This is my work husband.

I just got to take it.
It's no big deal.

- Uh, rules are rules.

They're meant to be obeyed,

Not bent, not broken.

You may be a judge,
but that doesn't make you better

Than any of us, okay?

- Take it easy, senator,
all right?

I think you're taking this all
a little too seriously.

And please take this seriously.

Cell phone usage
is strictly prohibited.

- Oh!
[laughs]

Ho-ho!

You said it, not me.

- That call can wait.

- [imitates gunshots]

Ha!
- Okay.

- Oh.

Is that your whole arm?

- Well, I guess tom hasn't
found a decent partner yet.

- Nope.
Been testing people all day.

- All right, this sucks.

I mean, craigslist sucks.

Wait a minute.

Gary.
- What?

- You're agile, low body fat,
full set of teeth.

You want in?

- Sorry. I don't believe
in competition.

You see, studies have shown
that it sabotages self-esteem

By turning
recreational activities

Into a battlefield.

That's why I play hacky sack.
Everybody wins.

- I'll do it.

- Sorry, no.

I'm looking
for a skilled gamesman.

[dart thunks]

- [groans]

What's wrong with you?

- Well, you just hit a man
in the back with a dart,

So that's great.

- He was in the way.

- Judith, that man is bleeding.

- He'll live.

- Welcome to the team.

[laughs]
we're gonna get that belt.

- Get this show on the road.

I got places to be.

- Think you're gonna waltz
right out of here

'cause you're a judge?

- Yes, I do.

This is my pal annie's
courtroom.

She's not gonna put me
on her trial.

It's called
conflict of interest, my friend.

We're supes tight.

- All rise.

The honorable judge marcus pitt
presiding.

- Please take your seats.
- You're not annie.

- Not since
my fifth grade play.

- Uh, sir,
I'm judge rebecca wright.

- And she'd like to get this
show on the road, your honor.

She's got places to be.

- Ignore him.
Where's annie?

- Judge carter is
on maternity leave.

- She was pregnant?
- Huh.

Sounds like you guys
were supes tight.

- Sir, I'm a judge.

Clearly, it's a conflict
of interest.

So, if you don't mind,
I do have places to be.

Thank you. Excuse me.
- No, I don't mind...

As long as all of those places

Are right back there
in that chair.

- Wha--
- [laughs] booyah.

- [sighs]

.

I let myself in, but I got
all of our training supplies--

Onion rings, olives, straws.

- Oh.
Apricot scrub?

Oh, you think god just does this
all by himself?

- Hey, hey, did you know
that annie carter had a baby?

- Yeah, we went halfsies
on a breast pump.

You still owe me 80 bucks,
by the way.

- Hey, I got bad news, man.

I don't know
if I'm gonna be able

To get out of this jury duty.
- [groans]

Just in case, that maybe
we should have a backup

And that maybe
it should be gary.

- Gary who?

- Gary.

Come on,
he's got great core strength.

The guy can hold a plank
for 20 minutes.

[mumbling] while the other arm
is doing something else,

If you get what I'm saying.
- Please stop talking.

Look, another problem--

Gary doesn't believe
in competition.

- Which is why
you have to teach him.

You have to mr. Miyagi him.

- Mr. Miyagi.
- From the karate kid.

- I know the movie.
I'm in america. I have eyes.

- I'm still planning
on getting dismissed, okay?

All right, I am gonna go
to that courtroom tomorrow.

I'm gonna do everything every
annoying juror's ever done to me

To get me to dismiss them--
I'm gonna do to that judge.

I am gonna show him no mercy.

- As part
of the jury-selection process,

I'm going to describe
the nature of the case

To make sure
you can be impartial--

- [coughing violently]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I am super sick.

It's super contagious too.

They don't know what it is.
They're terrified.

[clears throat]

[gargles]

Truly, I'm sorry.

I don't know--

You know what it is?
I'm hungry.

I got low blood sugar.

I got to have a snack,
otherwise, I'd, like, faint.

I'd leave my body.

Anybody want
some--some pickled eggs?

Huh?
I mean, they are wonderful.

- Ooh.
- I'll just pass these around.

Oh, I mean, if it's pickled,
it's for me,

Is what I always say.

I got to get these out of here.

It's like, ah.

Mmm.
Oh, yeah.

It's good.
Pass 'em along.

I also have some sardines.

I mean, it says
that they're expired,

But I think
that's a sell-by date.

Say one more word,
and I'll hold you in contempt.

I would like to thank
most of you jurors

For your time and serious
treatment of this matter.

And despite some of your obvious
attempts to be dismissed,

The following jurors
have been selected.

Number 4, 6, 23, 14, 8...

- 8!
That's chet. Yes.

- 7, 12, 21,

5, 1, 16, and...

19.

- Fu...N.

Trials--trials are fun.

- Hey, judge.
That is a hat.

That's a big-ass hat, man.
- It's new. What do you think?

- I think I wish judge wright
was here to see--

I should send her a picture.
- No, absolutely not.

- I don't want her to miss this.
This is good.

- No. No.
- One...

- I don't want you to take
a picture.

- Two, three.
[camera shutter clicks]

I see you got, like,
a little tyra banks thing here.

Look at you in this hat.

I'm gonna tag you.
This is cute.

- Tedward.
- Gary.

Oh.

What--
- sorry.

- Little tip--whenever
you're giving a high five,

Look at the elbow.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Try it. Ready?
- Okay, yeah.

- Oh, dude.
Sorry.

- This--this ain't good.

- Did you say your elbow?

- [clears throat]

- Dude, the worst-case scenario
has become reality.

- Did they cancel
pretty little liars?

Because I cannot--
- no.

I got picked for jury duty.

I mean, I'm still
in good shape, though, you know?

And I'm just gonna hustle
everyone to the right verdict.

- Well, I started training gary
just in case.

- You know,
let me ask you a question.

When you two are "planking"...

- Mm-hmm.
- Do you ever high-five?

Just had some
work-related stuff, you know.

You probably know by now
that I am a judge.

Anyway, listen, tomorrow
I will be the jury foreman,

So I can quickly walk you

Through all
the legal mumbo jumbo.

- Got it all figured out,
do you, red?

We're gonna move things along
pretty quickly,

Because as I said before,
I've got places to be.

Okay?
- No-kay.

When you were out
in that hallway

Doing whatever it is
you're doing,

These good people

Elected me jury foreman.

- You guys!

- And we're gonna take
this case seriously,

And justice will be served.

Booyah.
[chuckles]

This feels good,
I got to tell you.

[laughs]
mm.

No, no.
Not you.

Me.

- Hey, tedward.
- Hey.

How's it going today, judge?

Oh, we all good
for tomorrow night?

- I'm not gonna lie to you.

Kind of hit a bump
in the road, tedward,

A bump in the road.

- Hey, I heard
you got jury duty.

I smell a forfeit
in the works.

- The only thing I smell
is your axe body spray.

Tom, seriously,
one pump once a day.

Even if you do make it
back here, rebecca,

You're not taking home
the belt this year.

Check this.

Kaboom.

She's like
a bar olympics savant.

It is on.

- It's so on,
it's almost off.

- You're missing
half of your skirt.

- Yeah, well, you missed
10 million years of evolution.

- [chuckles]
that's pretty funny,

But you're dressed
like a hooker.

- Those pants give you
front butt.

- [chuckles]

- Bobby, growing up, did you
ever have any girlfriends?

- [laughing]
what?

No.

I-I couldn't talk to girls.

I couldn't even look at them,

'cause I was a loser
with a capital "l."

- And has your life changed

Since the night
you hired a female friend?

- Oh, totally.

I mean, I am--
I am confident now.

And, uh...

[whispering]
I have a girlfriend.

- Is it true
that female friend

Even came here today
to support you?

- [normal voice]
yep. Yeah, yeah.

That's her right over there.

- [laughs]

How about that?

You guys have the same pimp
or what?

- God, I wish
I could choke you.

- Ooh.
How much would that cost me?

[rolls tongue,
chuckles]

[handcuffs clatter]

- Hey, tedward.

You dropped these, bud.
- Oh, so I did.

Stop.
Toss 'em to me.

- Uh, okay.

Sorry.

- You need to focus.

[handcuffs slide across floor]
- whoa. Take it easy.

I can just hand them to you.

- No, you cannot just
hand them to me.

Gentle underhand lob--

Go.

- Okay.

- That's what
I'm talking about, okay?

- What are you talking about?

- We're gonna be all right.

You know what I'm saying,
dr. Boyd?

[laughs]

- All right, listen up.

I've tallied our initial vote.

- Okay, just say it already
so we can get out of here.

- 11 to convict,

1 to acquit.

- 11 to convict?
Are you serious?

- Serious as my mother's
coke addiction.

- What?
- Oh, yeah.

You don't know me.

So you're obviously the holdout.
- Yeah, because he's a kid.

He didn't hurt anyone,
he didn't threaten anyone,

And he didn't legally violate
anyone's rights.

- Legally,
he broke the law, period.

He's guilty.
We vote again.

This time,
I want you to write "guilty"

On this piece of paper

So we can head out of here,
justice served.

You do want to get
out of here, don't you?

- Yes...

Very badly.
- Yeah.

Well, then, "judge"...

[laughter]

You know what you got to do.

- That's mine.

- Still 11 to 1.

[all groan]
- yep.

And we're all staying here
until each and every one of us

Get this
sexually repressed kid off.

It's not--that's--
you know what I mean.

- Are you serious?

- Oh, I'm as serious
as your mom's coke addiction.

What?

- Look, I don't know
if I'm high-fiving myself

Or slapping a toddler's ass.

- Hey, hey, hey--
- no.

No, no, no, no.
- No.

- Tell me that this pizza
is so that we--

You and I--
can carbo-load

Before serpico olympics tonight.

- We're still deliberating.
I'm just on a break.

I'm so sorry.
I'm not gonna make it, man.

- You are not saying this to me
right now.

- Believe me,
there's nothing I'd rather do

Than play shuffleboard
with urinal cakes, okay?

But I can't let this kid
go to prison.

You're just gonna
have to use gary.

- [sighs]
- tedward...

The lotus is ready.

- That is not
a karate kid reference.

- Oh. Hey.

Go get that belt.

[both grunt]

- You are 134 seconds late,

And there's no food allowed
in here.

- Okay, there's a no-food rule

Because they don't want people
making a mess.

But if we clean up,
no harm, no foul.

Everybody gets fed.

And I don't see
what the problem is.

- The problem is,
there are rules.

- Well, sometimes rules
can be broken

If nobody gets hurt, hmm?

[box squeaking]

Hmm?

Looks like some people
are interpreting the rules

Like I do, chet.

- Oh, no,
there he is.

Hello, tedward.

No rebecca, I see.

I guess that means you forfeit.
- Yeah!

- Nope, new partner--gary.
- What?

- Rebecca's shirt--
wear it with pride.

- Oh, no, no, no.
Sorry.

I-I told you,
I'm not into competition.

- Okay, come on, dr. Kumbaya,
grow a pair, all right?

Rebecca wants you to fill in.
Do it for her.

- He doesn't want
to do it, teddy.

- Yeah, dude,
I don't want to do it.

- Gary can't win that belt
for rebecca.

- She's right.
I can't.

- He can't even win her heart.

- Wait. What'd you say?
- You heard me.

You ain't never gonna
lock that down, son,

'cause you're a bitch.

- You just called down
the thunder.

Now I'm coming,
and hell is coming with me.

Hell is coming with me!

- Boom!
That's all I needed.

Got me a new partner.
Hello.

- [laughs]
yeah!

Let's do this!
Come on.

Hey, man, look, you might want
to bring your "a" game,

'cause you don't want to go
to oz dressed like dorothy.

You know what I'm saying?

- All right,
let the fifth annual

Serpico olympics begin!

- Hey, oh!
- Whoo-hoo!

.

- Well, it's getting worse.

Five to convict,
six to acquit,

And one question mark.

- What can I say?
I'm still feeling confused.

- Okay, this is ridiculous.
That's our third vote.

Listen up.
- No, no. No. No.

Remember, no one talks
without the spirit stick.

Okay, listen, you really want
to send a kid to jail

For losing his virginity?

Look, look.
Look at this guy.

He still has pimples.

Remember when you were his age
and you thought everybody else

In the world was having sex
besides you, right?

And that was before
the internet.

And now you can get porn
in five keystrokes.

- I can do it in three.
- Seriously?

Anyway, listen,
as a judge...

- We get it.
You're a judge.

- I have to follow
the letter of the law.

But we need to follow
the spirit of the law.

Bobby just needed
some self-confidence.

You want to send him
to jail for that?

Really?

- You're not the foreman.
You can't do that.

- Okay, well,
here's the thing, chet--

I just did, okay?

- Go!

Shot!

- [spits]

Hey.
That's well bourbon.

[gags]
- [groans]

- All right, round one
goes to the red team.

[rock music]

¶ ¶

- Whoo!
- Empty. That's it. We did it.

- We got a winner--blue team!
- Yeah.

- 11 to acquit,
1 to convict.

Looks like we're stuck.

- Okay, chet,
what's the holdup?

- He broke the law, judge.

Our society is built on laws.

If we start ignoring them,

The entire fabric of the system
breaks down.

- Okay,
you've never broken the law?

- No, not even a fix-it ticket.

'cause that trash can
you just missed?

That's littering--
$1,000 fine minimum.

These last several hours--
destruction of state property.

That carries
a three-month jail term.

Oh, and your mom's coke problem?
Did you turn her in?

'cause if not, you're complicit
in felony narcotics possession.

- All right,
just hold it right there.

My mother is a saint.

She was going through
a hard time.

She should have never
married nacho!

- Look, according to you,
you broke the law.

You're guilty, period.

According to me,
you're a bit of a tool,

But you're not
a criminal, chet.

- [groans]

All right, hooker skirt,
you win.

- Yeah!

Eh.
- No, no.

No, no.
This one's for you.

Chet.
- Oh.

Nobody does that.

- Chet does.

[laughs]

- Okay, okay, okay.

Red team has won high five
to infinity, coaster boaster,

And ice fiasco.

Blue team has won
onion ring antlers,

Napkin fold-off,
and bathroom.

We are tied three to three.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
you can't just end in a tie,

Or else this
is meaningless, right?

- Nope. Tiebreaker.

- Yes. Yes.

And we shall call it
"kick the lime around."

- Love it.

- Both teams will kick the lime

Back and forth
until someone drops.

I am no good with these feet
I got, okay?

- Hey!
- Oh. Rebecca!

- Gary.
- Rebecca.

- All right, that is
their third and final time-out.

- [whispering]
okay, okay, what's going on?

What's happening?
- We're in a kiki tiebreaker.

We have to kick a lime
back and forth.

You know feet
are not my thing, judge.

- Oh, man, your feet
are your achilles' heel.

- Tedward, this is
just like hacky sack, okay?

Watch and learn.

The student has become
the master.

You've got this, man.
Tap the sack.

You might want to think about a
different way of saying that.

- Yeah, that's not--
- "tapping the sack"--

Okay, okay, wait.
Go get this, huh?

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

All:
Chicka-chicka-boom-boom!

- Let's get that belt!
- Whoo!

- Let's do this!

- Focus.
- Just focus.

- And go.

[vangelis'
chariots of fire theme]

¶ ¶

- Whoo!

[all cheering]

- Red team wins!

Victor and champion!

- Give me the belt!
Give me the belt!

Give me the belt!
Give me the belt!

- Oh, this is the best day
of my life!

- Oh, sorry.
Yeah, thank you.

- Ow!
Gary, you got to--

Elbow, man.
- Yeah! Go.

- Yeah.

- What's happening?
Oh.

- You guys want to touch it?

- Okay, okay,
you guys are awesome.

I can't believe we have to
spend the whole night in jail.

- Wait a minute.

It's the losers
who get to do that?

[gasps, squeals]

- [crying mockingly]

[laughing]

- Really?

You just got here.

[crowd cheering]