Bad Judge (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - One Brave Waitress - full transcript

.
- Yeah, that's good. How's that for you?
- Can you move your hips up a little?
Yeah, now squeeze harder with your thighs.
I'm a black belt in jujitsu. Now squeeze!
- Okay. [laughing]
- That's it, babe. - Rarr!
- That's it. You got it.
Nice. You see?
Now, nice thing about a move like the triangle
Is a girl like you can take down a guy twice her size.
- What if I'm in an alley, and I'm seriously--
Somebody's gonna mug me? I need a move.
- Rear naked choke.
- What do you got? - Let me show you.
Here.
Nice and firm like that-- you grab the bicep.
Put your other hand behind the head...
- Uh-huh. - And you pull.
- Oh.
- Squeeze. - Mm-hmm.
- That's it. - Yeah, I can't move.
This is awesome. I'm panicking. This is working.
- Now you try. - All right.
- Like that? - Yeah, nice and firm--
Grab the bicep, put your other hand behind my head.
- Right, it's hard to get it around my bicep.
It's pretty big. - [laughs]
- Okay. - That's it.
- And then like this? - Yep.
- All right, what else? What do you got?
What do you got? What do you got?
- How about an invitation to the fireman's ball?
Want to be my date, hmm?
- [grunts]
Okay.
Uh...
[upbeat music]
¶ ¶
- The minute he said "fireman's ball," I choked,
And then I choked him, and then he passed out,
And then I walked out-- that's where we left it.
- Haven't you ever heard of the word "no"?
Uh, thank you for the invitation, but, no.
- If I would've said no, it would've hurt his feelings.
You know, I might be too nice.
I worry about that sometimes.
- Yeah, you don't have to worry about that.
- Thanks, tedward.
- Rebecca--your honor, I was wondering
If maybe we could have a little tete-a-tete,
Off the record, about a woman who might have been a waitress
At bj knockers.
- That you would ask a judge to discuss a case
Right before trial is highly unethical, and you know it, tom.
- Bj knockers?
Man, halter tops, short skirts--
Even the white girls have long brown legs.
[laughing] it is crazy.
But, yeah. Nah, like, that's a rough job.
- I just want to make sure
That we're all up to speed here about this.
- She cannot talk to you, tom.
- [snaps fingers] tedward...
Travel with me, if you will, to a parallel universe.
[imitates sci-fi music]
We're on a plane. I'm a stranger.
You find out that I'm a judge.
I'm sitting right next to you.
You can tell me anything you want.
- I would say that I do not want to be stuck on a plane
Next to a chatterbox.
- Not me. Total opposite--
Like, I might tell this judge on the plane
That I have a star witness in a sexual-battery case
Who has a roommate that kept a very detailed diary.
- Do you have the diary?
- Yeah. But the witness has not responded to her summons.
- Okay, well, you need that testimony.
- I know, but I think the owner, chad forbes,
Is paying her not to talk.
- Mm, is the witness--
Hannah--is she any good on the stand?
- I don't know. I'm on a plane.
- Well, from where I am sitting...
On the plane,
First class, warm towels, hot nuts,
A hot stewardess, a nice stewardess.
Remember when they were nice? - Yep.
- From where I'm sitting, I would tell you
That if you came into my courtroom,
I would have your back.
- So we're on the same side?
You and me?
The eagle flies at dawn.
- Ca-caw! That's my best eagle.
- And, uh, be aware. He uses cheap tactics.
Like, he's got this super-hot lawyer
To entice all the men on the jury into voting her way.
- Oh, please. How hot could she be? Really?
[the cars' moving in stereo]
¶ ¶
- ¶ life's the same, I'm moving in stereo ¶
¶ life's the same, except-- ¶
- [slurping loudly]
- Your honor, I'd like to dismiss
Jurors two, four, five, seven, and nine.
And thank you very much. Bye, ladies.
- No. Objection. Permission to approach.
- Permission granted.
Everybody sit down, okay? Ms. Sanchez--
- I am the only one who will be dismissing jurors today.
- Eagle down--she's dismissing all the lady jurors.
- Okay, I got your back, remember?
Go. Sit.
Being a juror isn't just your civic duty.
It's fun.
Look, you could be at work, but you're here.
I wish I was inside that box.
I know just how comfy those chairs are,
Could any of you legitimately give a reason
Why you can't be here?
Wow. That was fast.
- My dad is blind. - Chemo. Sorry.
- I am the receptionist at your dentist's office,
And I refuse to be unbiased.
- Fine.
All right, you-- what's your deal?
- Um, I'm--
- Juror number nine stated that her mother dealt
With unwanted sexual advances for 17 years.
She's therefore unable to remain unbiased.
- Um, uh, you-- what did, uh--
The lady, uh, right there with the typing and the curly hair,
Yeah, okay, juror number nine, will you please kindly
Approach the bench?
[mouths words]
So what's your deal with, like, a handsy boss?
Where do you stand? - Let's take him out.
- I find this juror to be fair and impartial.
- [mouths word]
.
Girlfriend, sister, just typing away down here.
- All right, I feel badly.
I should know the stenographer's name, okay?
Ooh, ooh, ooh, did you tell hector that this was for me?
He always gives me extra guac.
- You know, it's interesting to me
That you know the taco guy's name.
- Well, yeah, because he feeds me, all right?
Tedward, hector feeds me.
- You have the entire california penal code in your head,
But she's been working here for over a year,
And you cannot remember her name.
You called her "typer lady."
- Oh, come on, I call you "bailiff man."
People call me "judge lady."
What? Come on, just tell me her name.
- You'll have to ask her yourself. I'm not--
And what is going on with billy with the chili?
That, uh, fake fireman/judge no-dating ordinance
Had been lifted.
What? Don't give me that look, okay?
I was alone with a bottle of reposado,
And his phone number is only three digits long.
- Well, he's called here twice this morning.
- It's 'cause I'm avoiding his texts about the fireman's ball.
- You have avoidance issues.
Anytime you think something's gonna be awkward or painful...
- Mm-hmm. - You avoid it.
- God, how do they make these tortilla so soft
And yet so strong?
- Just like--it is so good.
No, no. See, you're doing it.
Look, you don't want to hurt the fireman, so you avoid him.
You don't even know the stenographer's name,
So you avoid her.
You haven't even dealt with the death of your van.
- Fine. Fine. I'll start with the stenographer.
What's her name? - Uh, no. Nice try.
Aha. Nice try.
- Gosh, I just--
But for the life of me, I cannot remember your name.
I know we have never been introduced.
- Oh, no, we've been introduced, but it's okay.
Um, it starts with a "j."
- "j"...
"I," "o"...
Ooh, ooh...
Oh, julie!
- Okay. No, I can't lie. It's--it's judy.
- Oh, I knew it was something juu-ey!
That came out wrong. - Shalom!
Okay, so, if you want to remember it, it's j-u-d--
It's like the first three letters of "judge."
You know, or you don't. It doesn't matter. This is fun!
Thank you.
[squeals softly]
- Jurors, comfy, right?
In the state vs. Chad forbes,
Mr. Forbes, you've been charged with nine--
Wow. Okay.
Nine counts of misdemeanor sexual battery
Under california penal code 243.4.
Miss sanchez, how does your client plead?
- Not guilty, your honor.
- Your honor, if I may-- - objection.
- On what grounds?
- [scoffs] look at him.
- Overruled.
- My attorney, miss sanchez, is here to represent me,
To defend me, to speak for me.
But these words...
I have to say for myself.
Your honor, I plead not guilty.
Thank you for indulging me.
- And thank you for recognizing
That you were, in fact, indulged...
Mightily.
Counselor, your first witness.
- Your honor, the state would like to call hannah jam...
Real name.
Take your time. I know it's hard.
- No, I just had something in my eye.
- No, it's-- I know it's hard.
Miss jam, in your time working as a knockers girl,
Did you experience unwanted advances?
When customers ordered the "slap my buns" burger,
They typically expected to slap my buns.
- But would you characterize bj knockers
As a hostile working environment?
- Objection. - Approach.
- Your honor, it's policy at bj knockers
To have all their servers sign consent forms.
She was fully aware she'd be working
In a sexually charged environment.
- The court acknowledges exhibit "a," judy.
- [squeals softly]
- Can you tell the court what this is?
- It's my consent form to be a knockers girl.
- Miss jam, to what were you consenting in this form?
- I guess that I knew what I was getting myself into?
- Ah.
- All right, the jury will acknowledge that
That is miss jam's signature...
- I'd really prefer "hannah."
- On the consent form,
But I'm sorry, defense.
It has nothing to do with the actual law.
So let it be known that at all times,
Miss jam did retain her legal right
To not get her butt slapped.
Got it?
Recess, one hour.
I need a nap. My dogs are barking.
.
It reduces the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles
Whilst I nap.
- Perhaps your nap could wait.
- No, sir, it's a $100 mask,
And it makes me look a month younger.
- There is a life-size firefighter
Calling your name out on the steps of the courthouse.
Would you please address it? - I know.
Sir, can't you ask security to do it?
Is sitting around playing candy crush
And swapping links to porn sites on their phones.
- Hey, tiger eyes-- that is very nice.
What are you trying to do, lower your chakras?
Hey, judge. No? Nothing?
You know what? Same as you.
Nothing--you get nothing out of that guy.
Silence is golden. He is good at that.
By the way, there's a firefighter
Roaming the halls looking for you,
Looking like he just fell out of a calendar,
So you should probably handle that.
- Rebecca?
Rebecca?
[elevator music]
- [clears throat]
¶ ¶
[elevator bell dings]
- Rebecca?
Rebecca?
- Rebecca!
[elevator bell dings]
- Rebecca, hold up!
- [grunting]
¶ ¶
- Did I invite you to the fireman's ball?
- Oh, um, I could stand in the corner
And sing a drake song to myself, if you guys want--
- No, no, no. No. This isn't a private conversation.
He just wondered if he asked me to the fireman's ball.
You did. - That's what I thought.
But then when I woke up, you were gone,
And I'm trying, but I can't remember your answer.
- Yeah, I--well, I didn't say, because, um--
Well, I was waiting-- tedward has my calendar, so...
- Oh, cool. I'll follow you to your office.
- Uh, well, actually, I'm going car shopping now.
- Well, I know a lot about cars. I'll come with you.
- Yeah, me too. I replace my spark plugs.
- I rebuilt my transmission. - Yeah? I rebuilt my engine.
- I lifted a cabriolet off a family of five
While it was on fire. - Wow.
I mean, I don't know how that will help me.
But, yeah, okay, come with. - All right.
- All right, judge, let me know if you like anything.
- Okay, thanks, lenny.
- Hey, say "hey" to your wife for me, all right?
- She left me last month for another guy.
- She's still the mother of my children.
- Slut... And an angel.
- [laughs] now you're talking. - All right.
- Hey, let me know if you see anything you like.
- Okay, will do. Thanks, lenny.
- You sure this is where you want to shop for a car?
- Oh, come on, this is the perfect place to shop for a car.
- Yeah, because they were owned by killers and drug dealers.
- Does this look like the car of a drug dealer?
You know, crooks don't drive wagons, okay?
Oh, my god, there's a human foot.
- What? - Gotcha!
[laughing] come on, I'm joking! Lighten up!
These are like normal-people cars, though--
Most of them anyway, you know?
I mean, look at this thing. Actually, this truck is--
This is in really nice shape,
Probably some old retired guy keeping it up.
- Yeah, check out the license plate.
- "coke king."
It's a little on the nose.
Get it? "on the nose." - no.
You know, rebecca, I, um...
I pick up on things. - You do?
- Yeah. And you may call me crazy, but...
I feel like you've been avoiding me all week.
- No.
- I just want to let you know...
I get it. - You do?
Going out in public together-- it's a big step.
These legs-- they're long enough to take it.
See? See how long they are?
Huh? [chuckles]
- Uh-huh. [engine turning over]
Rebecca?
Rebecca?
- Hannah, do you recognize this?
- Yeah. That's my roommate's diary.
- And do you know what your roommate wrote about
In this diary?
- Well, we were taking a lot of crap at knockers,
And she decided to document all the stuff that was going on.
- Tell us, what happened?
- Well, it started because chad--
I mean mr. Forbes-- he would do things
Like halter-top inspections in his office,
On his boat, on his lap,
Or sometimes he would just untie it
While we were holding a tray of drinks.
He got off on stuff like that. - Objection.
Your honor, she's speculating as to my client's state of mind.
Everything he does is in the interest of his business.
- Overruled, counselor. That's a big swing.
- Chad has a big swing in his office.
He used to make us push the new girls
And pour water on them.
- I think we're done-- no more questions.
- Whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
- Of course. - All right, cool.
- [clears throat] mr. Forbes...
- Call me chad. - Maybe I will.
- That'd be great.
- It's going to be easier for me anyway.
- Glad to be of service.
- So, chad, let's talk about bj knockers.
What is that-- a, uh, family name?
[chuckles] - [laughs] no, no.
It's just something I came up with.
You know, knockers 'cause I thought it was funny,
And bj-- well, it's kind of a no-brainer.
- And, uh, chad, what type of girl is a knockers girl?
- Good personality.
- I'll remind you that you are under oath, sir.
- So just good personality? That's it?
- Maybe I said it wrong. Um...
A bj knockers girl has to be a good sport,
Otherwise she won't be able to cut it.
- A good sport-- like on December 21st,
When sandy adams was supposed to work on christmas
And you let her off in exchange for a foot rub.
Do you remember that? - Honestly, I don't.
But I make lots of deals with lots of girls.
But if it's in that diary,
I have no reason to doubt that it's true.
- Well, it's in the diary.
- Oh, good.
- Did these girls that work for you object?
- Not very often.
It was all in good fun. I'm a good boss.
I love my girls.
I protect my girls.
Look, I won't lie. We get some creeps in there--
Frat boys, athletes...
Couple guys who keep pretending to be blind.
But if you touch one of my girls in a way they don't like,
I will take you out to sea and dump you.
- Well, there are a lot of instances in this diary
Of your girls being treated in a way they didn't like.
- Breaks my heart. Really does.
- [groaning in frustration]
.
- How do I defend chad forbes, founder of bj knockers?
The events described in this diary are indefensible.
In fact, the defense concedes
That all of the events in this diary
Warrant each and every one of our charges.
- All right, you're throwing a curveball, counselor.
- Without the sworn testimony of the owner,
We move that this diary not be allowed into evidence.
- I see your point, but the court feels
That the diary corroborates miss jam's testimony.
Motion denied.
- And in anticipation of your honor's ruling,
I have already filed an interlocutory appeal.
- Great. I love interlocutory appeals.
I also love long walks on the beach.
Lucky for me, I work in a court,
And I live pretty close to the ocean,
So the more "locutory," the better.
- Your honor, we believe the diary is hearsay.
- Button your shirt, counselor.
- Not you, her. - What?
- If it's in the roommate's diary,
Why isn't she testifying? Is there a reason?
- Yes, because she is on a beach in her new car
With a bag of diamonds, counting her hush money.
- Easy, tiger-- defamation.
- You'll have my ruling by the end of the day.
- Thank you, sir. - Thank you, your honor.
- Gracias. - Gracias? Really?
- Mm-hmm. - Gross-ias.
- All rise. The honorable-- - yeah, yeah, yeah.
Please be seated.
Judge hernandez has ruled that without its author present
To testify to its veracity,
The diary is inadmissible.
So, while the defendant himself says,
"if it's in the diary, it must be true,"
The only thing that's true
Is that even his admissions are inadmissible.
I have no choice but to dismiss this case.
Mr. Forbes, on the other hand,
I have a feeling the great state of california's gonna take
Another crack at you.
- Is that so? - Yeah, that's so.
You know, I used to be a cocktail waitress,
And I had bosses like you, and I had customers like you.
And the worst of the worst just got a slap on the hand
Or a fine equivalent to a car payment.
But now we take this very seriously.
So you go back to your bj knockers,
Is one pat on the ass and one brave waitress--
Not that one, unfortunately--
And you're going down.
Case dismissed.
- Okay, point is, I thought we had him, guys, didn't you?
- No, they're athletes, man. They were training for this.
- Rebecca, wait up! - "rebecca"?
- He continues to be incredibly presumptuous.
- Oh, god, you are so predictable.
- Step away from the judge. - Don't worry, tedward.
He poses zero threat to me. - "zero threat"?
- Mr. Forbes, please.
- Hey, how much do you weigh?
Oh, that's what I thought. Ooh, nice gun.
What, do you shoot that once a year on the range?
No, don't pull it out.
I won't be able to stop giggling.
Can you come here? - No, no, I have nothing to say,
Except that this is going to end badly for you.
It's simple math. - No, I like math.
Come here, you little tease. - Oh, no, you didn't.
- Oh! - Aah!
Yes!
Thank you, billy with the chili!
Any of you guys want to kick him in the nuts,
Now would be a good time.
Ca-caw!
- Ca-caw!
- Boom! - [chuckles]
- Billy, I'm telling you, man.
Thanks to you, I mean...
Knocking out chad forbes was one of the highlights of my life.
- Well, I'm glad you called.
I didn't know if I'd hear from you again
After you left me in the impound lot.
I mean, that truck-- it just wants to go, you know?
I started reading another book because of you.
- That's great!
- Yeah, the title's bad.
But so far, it's just about a little girl in the south.
I hope it becomes about birds.
I like animal stories.
- Billy, I can't go to the fireman's ball with you.
If that's what you're worried about.
I know how independent you are. - No.
No, I just don't feel like there's a, um...
Thing between--
You've read one book.
I--
I've read, like, 1,000 or more books.
- [laughs] yeah.
I am so relieved. - Yeah?
- The truth is,
I'm struggling to find things to talk about with you.
I was feeling bad just sleeping with you 'cause you're hot.
- Okay.
- But I'll tell you what--
If you ever start reading less...
Give me a call, huh?
- Saw what happened. Proud of you.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
- I'm kind of on a roll.
I got billy checked off the list.
I got a car, and I know the stenographer's name.
- And what's her-- what's her name?