Back in the Game (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - Play Hard or Go Home - full transcript

Terry decides that the Cannon needs a girlfriend.

Sliding on your butt, front
knee bent, hands up!

That's why we teach you to
pop up, you can come up

and hit him right into mouth
with a good elbow, right?

No! No, it's to
protect your hands.

- Whoa!
- What a cool airplane.

I want to have one.

Hey! Hey! Heads out of your butts.
Let's go.

Come on, man. This game is
about commitment and focus.

Committed! You know
who's committed?

The Chinese. They're committed.

And one day, they're gonna
come screaming up that beach



in Santa Monica, and they're
gonna lop your heads off

and send them to your mothers
in a little white to-go box!

Right? Now, let's go sliding.

And for now, come
in spikes high!

Come on!

Ow!

Help! Help! Ow!

All right. Good stuff.

What? That was good stuff?

It's a disgrace.

Ted Williams' head would
roll over in its freezer.

Black Hawk is going down.

Wow. He is in rare form today.

Why has he been so mad
at us for the past week?



This is a whole new
level of mean.

His forehead veins were
giving me the finger.

My Dad gets mad like
that when my Mom's away.

My brother says it's
because he's pent up.

- What's pent up?
- When he needs to get some.

- Some what?
- You know, the good stuff.

Mom, does the Cannon need
some of the good stuff?

That's the good stuff.

Well, maybe some companionship
would be good for him.

Here we go...

Whoa.

- You think?
- Definitely.

♪ I'm back ♪

1x03 - Play Hard or Go Home

♪ I'm back ♪

Man, watching her pack up is way
hotter than watching coach Dave.

If he were a deejay,
he'd be Wolfman back.

- He's like ZZ bottom.
- Come on, guys. It's genetic.

There's nothing a man can
do about his body hair.

Shut up, Stan. Hey, rookie!

Come over here. I need to
talk to you for a sec.

Or I can come to you.
That's fine.

Check it out. It's my condom
supply for the month.

I'm kidding.

- Classy, Dick.
- So I've been told.

- By Stan?
- That's funny.

Look, as the rookie coach,
you get the crappiest job.

You got to run the
chocolate-bar fundraiser.

Buy it. Sell it. If you
want to get kinky,

melt it down and
take a bath in it.

But then be sure to
take a real bath after,

'cause you're gonna be all...
you know... chocolaty.

There needs to be eight
hundy in this cash box

by the end of the week,
or it's your ass.

Unless you're not up for it.
I can find another coach.

- That won't be a problem.
- Oh, please.

I'm gonna sell so
much chocolate,

it's gonna make you cry
like a bitch, bitch.

That's dirty talk, and I like it.
I'll see you Monday.

Pull your pants up, Dave!

Hey!

Speed it up, or I'm gonna get my
car and chase you around with it!

Brakes are shot!

Dong, where is your pride, man?

What a bum.

- Hey, Danny. Did you hear

about David and Vanessa? - No.

Oh, they had a ginormous
fight in the cafeteria.

Tater tots were thrown, tears were shed.
It was Kardashian crazy.

- So?
- "So?" You like her!

This is your window to
get in there with her.

Find your inner Angelina
and take out Aniston.

OMG! There she is!

Hey, remember when we were
at the bank the other day

and you were flirting with
that tall, skinny teller?

- Oh, Karen, yeah.
- Karen. Yeah.

You know, if I was 10 years younger,
I'd try to bust into that vault.

- So, you like tall women?
- Tall, short, I don't care.

It's all the same down
at the "y," you know?

So let's talk age, hmm? Let's
say a woman who was, uh, 60?

50?

- 40?! Oh, go look in the mirror.
- No, no, no, no.

I am not knocking boots
with some blue hair, okay?

What the hell are you doing
with this machine, anyway?

It is a seniors dating site.
I thought it would be nice

if you found someone you enjoyed
spending some time with.

You know, like a "from
here to eternity" moment.

- That's the good stuff.
- Yeah.

So just answer some questions
and see what happens, okay?

- You're kidding.
- What kind of hair do you like?

- Brazilian.
- On her head, Dad!

Uh... it's got to be long.

None of that, um, tennis lady hair.
You know me.

Just a nice gal who'll watch
a ballgame with me on TV,

uh, after we boff.

Can I say "make love"?

That would be "boff." Type it.
Two F's.

- "Boff."
- You are not taking this seriously.

You got it, Sherlock.
I am not doing this.

"Make... love."

Bo-o-ff.

Okay, you each need to
sell 20 bars, okay?

Smile and be charming.
Hey, Dudley, no snacking.

Next time.

Okay, sell!

So, did you get any replies
to the Cannon's profile?

Oh, one. Yeah. A guy who
calls himself "diaper dude"

who likes getting punched by old men.
Point is, he is not an easy sell.

Last night, I saw him drinking
the juice from a can of clams.

I mean, it's not like I can just go to
the store and buy him a girlfriend.

- Well, actually, maybe you can.
- Hmm?

Oh, Lulu. I love you.

Circle up, boys! New plan!
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Okay, very important, all right?

If you want the Cannon
to stop yelling at you,

help me find him a lady friend.

Okay? This place is crawling
with potential women.

45-60 is our target age.
Short, tall, big, small.

If there's a ring on her left
hand, don't waste your time.

If there's a tan line, she's
shady and ready to party.

Okay! Let's do this!
Angles! 1, 2, 3!

Angles!

Whoo! Whoo!

His name's the Cannon, and he used
to play professional baseball.

All original hair.
Original teeth.

Smells like beer,
but in a fun way.

Hello, lady.

I'd like to speak with you

about matters of the heart.

Hey, baby!

You interested in
an American guy

with an unlimited
access to toilet paper?

Hey, there, gorgeous.
Are you single?

- Hey. Danny, Michael.
- Hey, Vanessa.

- You know my mom?
- Um...

Oh, my gosh! Don't you
love that iced tea?

Totally. I like the random
facts on the bottle caps.

"Kangaroos can't
walk backwards."

Danny likes something, too.
Right, Danny?

Uh, d... um, k... uh,
b-baby k-kangaroos.

Awesome. You should
send that in.

I got to go catch up with my mom.
Uh, see ya.

Sounds good. All right.

Coach Terry, I believe
we have found our lady.

- Hi, I'm Dotty.
- Hi.

Well, you didn't run or call the
cops, so that's a good sign.

Unless she's homeless. Are
you homeless, darling?

'Cause you are very tanned.

Oh, no. No. No. I
have a beach house.

I like to get my hammock on. The
boys told me about your dad.

Kind of a crazy way to meet
a guy, but what the hell?

I like 'em rough
around the edges.

- What about hairy around the edges?
- I can work with that.

And check this out...
infield fly rule. Go.

Oh, if a batter pops up and
there's less than two outs

and a force on third,
it's an automatic out,

regardless if the
ball is caught.

I used to sell beer
at Dodger Stadium.

Are you free tonight at 8:00?

Oh, this is ridiculous. Just come
meet Dotty for 20 minutes, please?

Baggin' on that.

Kershaw's pitching, and
I got to get through

this salmon jerky
before it expires.

Hmm.

- Is that a toothpick necklace?
- Had it made special.

It saves me a ton of
money on toothpicks.

Do you ever wash it?

What, am I gonna catch
something from myself?

Why don't you think
before you talk?

Hey, I busted my ass to
find someone for you!

The entire internet
turned you down.

I found her in a parking
lot, all right?

You are going on this date!

Let me tell you, if
this house was on fire,

I would sit here and
burn like a monk.

He throws the fastball.
It's a hard hit.

Hey, give me that. What
the hell are you doing?

- What did you press? Come on.
- Hmm?

- Come on. Get rid of the snow.
- Yeah, try that one.

- "HD" might... oh, come on!
- Oh, that didn't work? Oh, no.

- Fix this.
- Oh, I'll fix it...

if you go on this date. Pick
that out of your teeth.

You got to go to M.I.T.
for this stupid...

What the hell is this?!
Piece of crap!

Dad, this is Dotty Sanchez.
She is divorced.

- Her son lives in Chicago.
- Mm-hmm.

And she has a basset
hound named Kevin Kline.

Yeah, well, when he was a puppy,

his cute little face
reminded me of Kevin Kline.

And... goodbye.

Think of the TV.

It's gonna be snowing every damn
day of your miserable life.

Hmm, yeah.

Anyway, found you
in a parking lot,

he almost killed a guy
in a parking lot.

Discuss. Have fun.

Hey. Look who's here.

How's the chocolate
sale coming, Terry?

Did you, uh... did you
take that bath yet?

Just dropping off my Dad.
He's on a date, thanks to me.

- Where's your date?
- Where's your date?

- Yeah, where's your date?
- Where's your date?

Uh, well, just got her number.

So that deal is closed...
like circuit city.

Anyway, look.

Say no more, rookie, 'cause
I got you all figured out.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Your ex wrecked you, and you're
scared to start dating again.

So, what do you do? You take
your dad out to test the waters.

You have no idea what
you're talking about.

Struck a nerve, huh?

- That's kind of hot.
- No. Not everything is hot.

Like that right there you just did?
It's hot.

No! Stop getting aroused by my anger!
I'm walking away now.

I can't wait for that... 'cause
it's gonna be... so hot.

- Oh, my god.
- And...

- I'm right.
- Mm-hmm.

♪ When I start making love ♪

♪ I don't just make love ♪

♪ I stroke it to the East ♪

♪ and I stroke it to the West ♪

♪ and I stroke it to the
woman that I love the best ♪

♪ I be strokin' ♪

♪ I stroke it to the... ♪

♪ strokin' ♪

Hey. Why did you turn off my Hi-Fi?
I'm strokin' over here.

Why are you happy?
You are never happy.

Wait. Two cups of coffee.

Oh, my god! She's
here, isn't she?!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Keep
your voice down, loudmouth.

She's just getting up.

We, uh, had kind of a
long night, you know?

- That is completely disgusting.
- Yeah.

But good for you!

There's my barrel-chested
dreamboat.

Hey, hey. Hi, babe.

Hey, uh, this is, uh, my
beautiful daughter, Terry.

- This is Barb.
- Hi, hon.

After I get some nicotine in me,

we'll take a shower and get
cleaned up for round two.

W-what is that?!

Oh, you see, uh, Dotty,
she's really sweet,

but to tell you the truth,
we just didn't click.

So I walked over to this
dive bar, and I met Barb.

And I got to tell you, she is terrific.
So, to be honest,

I think I'm gonna spend
some time with this one.

Is she okay? It sounds like her
lungs are about to explode.

Hey, nothing wrong with those lungs.
She held her breath like a dolphin.

You know, I got to tell you,

if it wasn't for you pushing
me the way you did,

I'd have never met, uh, Barb here.
And so thank you.

Is there a pool in this house?

Oh, that's not a clean thing.

Is she terrific, or what?

Cannon, I just passed Barb.
She's turning blue.

Oh, it's a touch of Emphysema.
She'll shake it.

Why do they make these things
childproof if they're for children?!

- What's the problem, buddy?
- Nothing.

Girls. How did you get
Barb to like you?

Oh, well...

Uh, we sat down and we
talked for a while.

I got her loaded and asked her
nicely to join me in the men's room.

Every single part of that
sentence would get me expelled.

- You got your eye on a girl?
- I just don't know what to do.

Look, it's like I told you in
practice, right? You got to commit.

You just go up and
tell 'em how you feel.

Now, if she doesn't
like you back,

she's a bum and you
don't want her anyway.

So, I just walk up and tell her?

I mean, if you want to make
a real impression, right,

then, uh, just do something,
uh, you know, thoughtful.

You know, girls, they, uh...
they eat that crap up.

There you go. Take a hike.

- Hey. I brought dinner.
- My nose never lies.

I smell pizza and brake fluid
like sharks smell blood.

Barb. Now wearing my clothes.

Yeah, she, uh...
she fixed the TV.

She's a wiz at electrics.

I was gonna be an astronaut.
But after apollo 13,

you're not allowed to
smoke on a rocket ship.

So there goes that dream!

What the hell is going on?

Look, the poor thing, she's
in between places, you know?

So, uh, I told her she could
bunk here for a while.

- "A while"?
- I left it open-ended.

We can't live with that woman!

She washed her flip flops
in the dishwasher.

Now we need new dishes!

Gee, that's, uh... I
mean, that's too bad.

'Cause, I mean, me and Barb
are kind of connected.

I mean, that's what
you wanted, isn't it?

Yes. When this began,
that's what I wanted.

I wanted you happy and
nicer to the kids.

- Boom! It worked.
- But now I'm miserable!

I can't take it, and I want
"Mucus Mary" out of this house.

- Lung butter churned, daddy!
- Oh, that is one of Danny's socks!

Yeah, dairy's really gonna
help that whole situation.

Mmm, it's delicious.

The next kid to drop a ball is
running bases till he's 16!

Hey! Start running,
Governor Christie!

What's your problem, lady?

Hey, right now! Go! Five laps!
All of you!

Now!

Mom, what's your problem? You seem
just pent up like the Cannon.

It's that Barb. She
is driving me crazy.

This morning, I caught
her using a hair dryer

to warm up an egg sandwich.

There was burnt cheese
all over the nozzle,

which ended up being delicious,
but I can't take it anymore!

- Well, the Cannon seems happier.
- Yeah, but now I'm a mess.

A hot mess.

- Oy.
- Hey, Terry, just a friendly reminder,

I'm gonna need that chocolate
money in two-zero days.

- 20 days?
- Zero-two. Darn.

Look, don't try to put me down

just 'cause you don't like
what I said the other night.

You remember, Dr. Dick's
dating diagnosis.

Okay, first off, if there's an "M.D." in
your name, it stands for "massive douche."

Secondly, I have every right to be
a little cautious about dating.

Oh, hey, I get that. I mean,
after my wife and I split up,

I figured the next person I meet

was just gonna stomp
all over my heart.

It took me a long time
to get back out there.

Look, if you need to talk
to somebody about this,

this guy is really good.
Call him.

I promise you he will help,
and I need that money, okay?

- Call him.
- Thanks.

You're welcome.

- This is your number, Dick!
- I know!

- Mom?
- Hmm?

Okay, so, today, after school, I
brought my chocolates by the gym

where the big people hang out...
you know, Tubby's.

And I just opened the box
and got out of the way.

- Payday!
- Well played!

That brings us to $800, buddy!
We did it!

- Where's all the money?!
- Where's all the money?!

Barb!

Watch my skin there.

- That phlegmy hag stole my money!
- Watch your mouth, Barbie!

I'm not that phlegmy, and
I don't have your money.

From this box? The money
from the chocolate sale?

- Oh, that money. That's long gone.
- Well, get it back!

The guys who have it don't like
it when you ask for it back.

Get me my money back, or so help
me, I will smash your apnea mask!

Now get the hell
out of my house!

Uh, relax, ladies. Just relax.
Barb, you, uh... you were a champ.

We did great, uh, but you can
hit the bricks now, okay?

Perfect!

It's still happy hour at
the Airport Radisson.

Okay, uh, where's she going?
Where is my money?

And what the hell
is going on here?!

Barb, um... not
really my girlfriend.

She's just some lush from my bar.
I-I've known her for a while.

So I paid her to hang out
here and to drive you nuts.

That's crazy!

I-I-I heard you two having
nasty, old-people sex.

- She was here.
- What?!

Wait. You brought Barb
here to put me in my place

for sending you on a date,

and then you paid her off
with my chocolate money?

Bingo.

I can come up with that crazy
kind of crap all day long.

You shouldn't have meddled.

I wasn't meddling, you idiot!
I worry about you, okay?

I didn't want you to be alone
for the rest of your life!

But you had to go break
my TV, and that's war.

Oh, you are a mental patient!

That is commitment.

And hereth endeth the lesson.

♪ Nothing but a
heartache every day ♪

♪ nothing but a heartache ♪

♪ nothing but a tear
drop all of the way ♪

Whatever you're about to
say to Vanessa, don't.

She and David are
totes back together.

♪ Loving a bad guy is
such a sin, yeah ♪

♪ he's got me, oh, why
can't I get him? ♪

♪ Nothing but a heartache
every day, yeah ♪

♪ nothing but a heartache ♪
♪ nothing but a tear drop all of the way ♪

♪ it's one situation that
I just can't win, yeah ♪

♪ he's got me, oh, why
can't I get him? ♪

That's the good stuff!

- Why do you look nice?
- None of your business.

- Hey.
- Hi, Cannon.

Hey, Dot. Listen, uh,
would you mind terribly

just waiting in the
car for one minute?

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Uh, after she stopped yapping about
that silly dog and everything,

we had a pretty nice
time, you know.

She worked at Dodger
Stadium, and, uh,

she made it with Steve
Garvey, a good ballplayer.

- So...
- Yeah.

I figured I'd take her out for a...
a legitimate dinner, you know?

Good for you.

Anyway, um, you know what you
said about caring about me

and being lonely and everything?

Well, I... I... I want
the same for you.

I hope someday you find
somebody, you know,

really great, somebody
really wonderful.

Really?

No. I'll kill him.

Anyway, uh...

Don't wait up.

Whatever I get in my teeth
tonight, I'm keeping it.

Hmm.

And right back to disgusting.

- Terry!
- Yes?

Where's my television set?

Oh! Uh, I sold it in order

to get back the chocolate
money you gave to Barb.

Now the lesson has endeth.

That's my girl.