Back in the Game (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Change Up - full transcript

Whoo!

I'm okay!

♪ And Bingo was her name-oh ♪

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

Girls! Pick it up!

- These boys are out of control.
- What is wrong with them?

They intentionally stuff
their faces with pizza,

and then they run
around until they puke.

That's not fun. How's that fun?

You know what's fun? Digestion.

And they're sticky.
They're always sticky!



Whoa. Cover me. I'm going in.

Okay.

What do you got?
What do you got?

Hang on, hang on. There.

I just want to be home.

Animals.

The crowd is loving it.

It's the bottom of The 8th
inning, and so far...

Whose turn is it to
wash the dishes?

- I did them last time.
- I did the laundry.

Well, there's not one clean
plate for me to use.

This morning, I had to eat
cereal out of Danny's frisbee.

- There's a hole in that frisbee.
- I know!

Look, I am not a full-time maid.



No kidding. If you were, this
place would be a lot cleaner.

I been telling you all along.
Use paper plates.

- We are not using...
- The environment can suck it.

Boom.

- Ha.
- Okay, new rule.

When you use something, wash
it off and put it back.

We're all in this
together, right, family?

Right, family... that
sounds like one of them

hippie cult things.

You better not be lying
about doing the laundry.

Hey.

Dad!

I never have to do
the laundry again.

That's what I'm talking
about, my brother.

♪ I'm back ♪

1x04 - The Change Up

♪ I'm back ♪

- Take your base.
- Time.

What's going on? You're
all over the place.

- What the heck does she see in him?
- Who?

Can we hurry this along? I got
cotillion in a half-hour.

Ticktock. What is the holdup?

Danny's got girl problems,

and Parvu has to go to
cotillion, whatever that is.

Ballroom dancing for couples
that resembles a quadrille.

Do we have Vanessa
on the noggin?

I mean, seriously. What does
David have that I don't?

Well, he's great at baseball.

He's got a great head of
hair, one on his chest,

and owns 50 limited-edition
pairs of sneakers.

I dreamed I was royal baby.

- We have to poop!
- We have to poop!

Keep your eye on
the ball, sweetie.

Man, I haven't seen a
drumming this intense

since the Miami Sound Machine
concert at the fabulous forum.

Front row.

Hey, hey. Guys, what's going on?

Well, Danny's upset about
David and Vanessa.

Parvu's late for a cotillion.

Dong thinks he's the royal baby,
and the gingers need to poop.

- We have to poop.
- We have to poop.

We're dealing with
a lot of crap.

Enough! Take your positions, and
let's finish this up like a team.

Vince, Vance... lock it up.

Sorry, coach, but that's time.
That's the ballgame!

Oh, these guys suck.

None of you are
going to help me?

- Hi, darling. Hi. Mwah. Mwah.
- Mwah. Mwah.

I am so sorry that I
missed the match, darling.

I met a new friend and
completely lost track of time.

- Huh.
- I know.

So, how did you get on?
How was the game?

Oh, well, we lost, 21-0.

Oh, only 21-0? Oh,
that's fabulous!

That's better than last time.
You must be thrilled.

No, I am losing it. My
family is driving me nuts.

I need a night away from
boys under 10 and over 70.

I-I can't even remember the last
time I had a fun night out.

No, no. Me, too. I...

But that is mainly due
to blackouts, though.

You know what?

I am gonna get the
Cannon to watch Danny,

and you and I are
gonna go out tonight!

- Oh, yay!
- Yes!

- Splendid!
- Our first girls' night out.

- Yes!
- Oh, we'll drink and dance.

And then we'll drink some
more, 'cause I love drinking.

- Yes! - And then we'll just end

up naked on some man's yacht.

- Yes!
- Oh, that sounds good.

- Yes!
- Except for the yacht part.

♪ It's enough to
make you go crazy ♪

♪ whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ and I'd be crazy not to care ♪

Hey, bud. What seems to
be the problem here?

I don't understand girls.

- What's to get?
- I don't know.

I always do as my Mom told me.
I'm nice. I'm funny.

I always hold doors open.
Just none of it works!

They always end up
with a guy like that.

Well, first off, you can't take
advice on chicks from chicks.

It would be like asking
a fish how to fish.

- What? - This nice-guy thing
you got going on here.

It's obviously not working.
Girls like a bad boy.

Jimmy Dean,

you got the man in black,
Johnny Cash, Kennedy.

And I'm not bragging, but I
had a hell of a roll myself.

We were all bad boys just
drowning in a sea of flesh.

I mean, you got to get
you some of that.

I can't just change who I am.

Of course, you can. You can
be anybody you want to be.

So I can be that guy?

Yeah, sure, why not?

See how that girl's
hanging all over him?

You know why? He's making
believe he doesn't care.

That makes 'em crazy, and
it gets the jealous going.

So, if you want your chick
to notice you more,

just pay less attention to her.
She'll come a-knockin'.

- Hey, Mom.
- Hmm?

Can I ask you a question?

Did you date bad boys
when you were growing up?

I married one.

- Why?
- Why?

'Cause it was exciting.

- So, the bad-boy thing kind of works?
- Well, until it doesn't.

So what I'm hearing is that
it gets you in the door.

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, what door?

- No doors.
- All right.

Hey, good night.

- Good night.
- Wait. Where are you going?

- I want to go out with Lulu tonight.
- What? I got Bingo tonight.

- You don't play Bingo.
- Bingo is a chick.

I met her at the bar
the other night. Uh...

- don't wait up.
- I really need a night out.

Sorry, can't do.

Come on, I really need you
to be the other parent.

Like it or not, we're kind
of raising Danny together.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Since when?
I didn't sign up for that.

Look... I did my parenting.

You've never been arrested.
You're not a stripper.

- Job's done.
- I never had a 20s. I need to go out.

I am asking you for one night.

Listen, I'm truly very
sympathetic to your problem.

How about this... Why
don't you just sneak out

for a couple of hours
while the kid's sleeping?

I used to do that with
you all the time.

I am not leaving Danny
here by himself.

Okay, why don't you just go
see Bingo another night?

It's kind of time-sensitive.

She's got to go back
to the joint tomorrow.

So, uh, have a nice night, okay?

"The joint?"

♪ B-I-N-G-O ♪

♪ B-I-N-G-O ♪

♪ B-I-N-G-O ♪

♪ and Bingo was her name-oh ♪

- ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ - So, how
was your night last night?

It was weird. She was the
one that yelled "Bingo."

Awesome.

So, you got your night.
Now I get mine.

You are going to watch Danny.
I'm going to work all day.

And then I am going
out with Lulu.

A-Are you sure you want me to
do this co-parenting thing?

As you might recall, I
parented you, and let's see...

You got divorced. You
work at a pizza parlor.

- And you live with your father.
- Okay, I get it. But don't you see?

This is a chance to
redeem yourself, right?

See, you always wanted a son.

You named me Terry Jr., for
god's sake, so have at it.

- Father away.
- You're very trusting.

It's not trusting.
It's desperation.

I really need a night
away from all of this...

the sights, the
smells, the sounds.

Okay, fine, but, you know, if
I do ruin him, it's on you.

Chicken nuggets, bath, bed...
in that order.

Right... chicken bath,
your bed nuggets,

and it's handled... Bingo.

- Hey, buddy. That's a new look.
- Yeah, I'm trying something new.

Hey, man. That's it.
Express yourself, my man.

- Yeah, brother.
- Come on, Terry.

- That's right.
- He just call me Terry?

♪ Oh, come on ♪

♪ forgetting nothing ♪
♪ end the fight ♪

♪ forgiving less, before
the fight ends you ♪

♪ forgetting nothing ♪
♪ end the fight ♪

♪ forgiving less, before
the fight ends you ♪

- 'Sup?
- Hi...

- Is that a new shirt?
- Where's your little boyfriend?

Don't care. So,
enough of this little

dancing around we've been doing.

You, me, "Paranormal Activity
4" on demand tonight.

- I can't go out on a school night.
- You want me to talk to your folks?

- Huh? Straighten 'em out?
- So, you a metal fan?

- Hell, yeah.
- Who do you like?

- Slipknot's pretty rad.
- You're cute.

A bunch of us are hanging
out at the park tonight.

Just listen to some
music and chill.

Sounds cool.

- Rad.
- Yeah.

Hey, Danny.

If I talk to my parents, I might
be able to hang out tonight.

Let me know how that turns out.

- So, Danica, you want to buy me lunch?
- Okay.

♪ Aah ♪

♪ whoa ♪

So, how was your first
day as a changed man?

Vanessa was so jealous.

And this other girl, Danica,
she brought me lunch.

Danica, huh?

I'm telling you, this
bad-boy thing works.

There you go.

Man, I am so tired of these lame snacks.
I want those.

So, what do you think? Who's
the easy team to beat?

Yeah, so? I mean, do
something about it.

I mean, I know I would.

- Look.
- What's he doing?

Hey, pal!

Afraid you can't havethose.
Those are our snacks!

Okay, Stan!

Yeah!

Dig in, boys.

- I call the red one.
- No, give me two!

You're a quick study, buddy.

Reel her in, my man.

Excuse me, Cannon.

Just so you know, I did
this is all for you.

- You looked thirsty.
- Thanks. I am.

I spend one afternoon
away from the field,

and I find out you're stealing
the other team's snacks?

What is wrong with you?

- Hey, I only did it 'cause he told me to.
- Hey, you little rat stool pigeon.

I didn't think you
were strong enough

- to throw me under a bus.
- I knew this reeked of you.

Literally... I can smell
him wearing your cologne.

I take no responsibility. My
parenting comes with a disclaimer.

And you, Danny. You should know
better than to listen to him.

I thought I taught you how
to make better choices.

- Hey, hey. Ease up, Terry.
- Yeah, ease up!

What did you just
say to your mother?

Hey, look. I'm just copying you, okay?
That's all.

You need to go to your room and
stay there until I get home.

No! I've got a thing!

Well, you're gonna lose
that thing right now

if you don't go to
your room, okay? Go!

You two need to learn to chill.

- What?
- What? Room, now!

Whatevs, Terry.

I'm going out. Try not
to ruin him any further.

Wear a shorter dress,
why don't you?!

You know what?

Danny and my dad can make
each other miserable tonight.

I can't take it.

- Darling, are you okay?
- No!

But I'm gonna get there quick.

Just don't let me have
more than three drinks,

because then I turn
into my father.

Bartender! Four more
Martinis, please.

- Girls' night has officially begun.
- Well, I'll drink to that.

- That's my drink.
- Uh-huh.

Good evening, ladies. I'm Josh.

- Oh, gosh, Josh.
- Hmm.

Nice ass, Josh. Why don't
you park it in this seat?

- Okay.
- Right there.

Do you have any hot
friends, Josh?

- Yeah.
- Call 'em.

- All of them.
- All of 'em?

- Now.
- Now?

Now. Yeah, yeah, you got
to put it to your head.

- So... oh, okay.
- Yeah.

Hey, kid! Get out here!

Yo! Kid!

Oh. Oh, boy. Little twerp
went out the window.

This is what I have been
missing all these years.

Guys! Liquored up.
No inhibitions.

Lying about being
professional photographers.

Darling, they can hear you.

- It's Terry time!
- Yes, it is.

I will pay for that!

Wait. No, I won't.
Because I'm hot.

Maybe we should order
some food, darling,

Maybe some calamari.

No, no, no. It'll just
soak up the alcohol.

Plus, this!

- This is my jam.
- It is?

Oh, come on. Let's go!

- Let's go.
- Let's go. Go, go, go!

Off we go! Off we go! Go, come on!
Go, go, go!

♪ I'm Mr. Big stuff ♪

♪ oh, yeah ♪

♪ I'm a quick rhyme shooter ♪

♪ rap rookie, recruiter ♪

♪ I always say could never,
ever say could have ♪

Yeah! Come on!

♪ I'm healthy and stacked,
not a beast or all fat ♪

Come on! ♪ I get applause and
awards every time I rap ♪

♪ I love the way I am,
I would never switch ♪

♪ I'm the greatest entertainer
since a porno flick ♪

♪ you move and groove
to my funky tune ♪

♪ party people, it's
time to make room ♪

- Whoo!
- ♪ for your Mr. Big stuff ♪

I'm okay!

This is the best I've
ever felt in my life.

Well, give me about
7 1/2 minutes.

Oh, boy. I'm glad
that smell isn't me.

Just saying, Ter. You on the floor...
so hot.

Did you come here alone, or
did your date hang herself?

I came with Stan, but I'm
not leaving with him.

- So I'm cabbing it?
- That is correct.

- Cocktails! Platinum.
- Your card's been declined.

It was maxed out on douche
elixir, and it has worked.

That's so hot.

So, Lulu, would you like
to see my marionettes?!

- No.
- That's okay. Normal reaction.

So, I was thinking, maybe
later, we could...

Oh, good timing, Lulu.

Let's go to another part of
the bar where there's less...

that.

Terry, call me back right away.

So, we're all getting tickets
to Hatebreed if you want to go.

♪ It's enough to
make you go crazy ♪

♪ whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

- I-I can't believe it.
- They're not that hard to get.

Uh, you know, look, Danica,
you know, I like you all,

but my real feelings
are for someone else.

- Rusty, don't even start.
- Who's this dork?

- Kick his butt, Danny.
- What?

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

♪ It's enough to
make you go crazy ♪

♪ whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ yeah, hey ♪

♪ and I'd be crazy not to care ♪

You know, I've never been on
this side of vomit before.

Just relax, darling.
Let it all out.

Flush those pounds away.

Ugh. I am so sorry, Lulu.

Were they able to
put the fire out?

Yes, darling, but that man's
toupee is completely ruined.

I just really wanted
to have some fun.

Oh, I know, darling,
and that's fine.

But you can't cram 10
years into one night.

And look, I know you think
you missed out on your 20s,

and maybe you did.

And so what? May I
suggest baby steps?

- Thank you, Lulu.
- And I'm not talking metaphorically.

I mean, if you don't
actually walk slowly,

you're gonna end up
in the loo again.

No, no, gosh. You're fine.
You're fine.

You are absolutely
disgusting, but you're fine.

- You're the best.
- Yes, I am. Off you go.

- I love you.
- There she is. Wow.

Here. Put this on your kisser.

So, you done now?

Yeah. Look, I get it. I got
smacked back into reality.

The universe has a
way of doing that.

And this... this bad-boy thing,
you got to use it in moderation.

Of course, I should
have told you that

before you jumped out the
window, but you know.

Wait, wait. Cannon, was this
all one of your lessons?

- I don't know. Was it?
- Is this right now one of your lessons?

You tell me.

I'm just gonna go
clean the house.

Whose house is this?

Hey. What happened to your face?

Rusty. Big kid, big mistake.

Pretty much got what I deserved.
Mom, I'm so sorry,

and I promise, I will not
mouth off to you again.

Oh, I am so glad
to have you back.

Ow!

Now, what did you do
with my dirty house?

Uh, well, the Cannon
and I worked it out.

I've got Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays.

And also, I embarrassed myself
in front of Vanessa again.

I guess we're just
not meant to be.

Anyways, if I have to pretend
to be someone I'm not

just to get near her,

I think it's the universe
trying to tell me something.

Hmm.

Anyways, I got to go
get ready for school.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, too, bud.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You smell like a rug
a camel sleeps on.

- It was a rough night.
- Yeah.

Hey, how did you
clean this house

and transform my son... back
into this sweet boy I love?

Well, uh, you know, just
a little co-parenting.

- Hmm.
- It's a gift. I'm gifted.

So we're figuring
this thing out.

Maybe I'll get it a
little better this time.

- Hmm.
- And by the way, I told the kid

that I would clean up
Tuesdays and Thursdays.

And just for a little heads-up...
it ain't gonna happen!

Bye-bye.

- Mwah. See you at practice.
- I know.

Light it up, Billy.

All right, boys. Come
on, everybody out.

Let's go. Come on. Hustle up.

All right. Time to get
back some of our pride.

We're gonna practice
our butts off today

because, according to that
scoreboard over there,

you knuckleheads let them
get up on you 21-zip.

We are never gonna see
that score again.

Let's go.

Let's go! Let's go.
Let's hit it.

Run and put the bats down.

Come on! Come on!

Pick it up, Dudley. Let's go.

Attaboy.

Balanced. Stay balanced.

All right.

All right, hey.

Hunter, it won't hurt you.

- Ow!
- All right, maybe a little.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Come on.

Field that ball like your
pants are on fire. Or not.

Catch it! Catch it!

Good eye.

- I'll get it!
- I'll get it!

I got to get out of here.

Hey, metal head! Throw me one!

- I'm not that guy anymore.
- Good.

Now, come on. Throw me one.

All right, but I'm gonna warn you.
I have been practicing.

- Whoa.
- Whoa. What?!

Hey, Vanessa. You ever
think of playing?