Back in the Game (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 10 - I'll Slide Home for Christmas - full transcript

You look great in that hat, darling.
Very festive.

I'm sorry. You didn't
buy that, did you?

You look like you're wearing
a giant, red, woolly condom.

Please do not wear that
to my Christmas party.

Hey, I am adorable
in this thing.

And also, I can't make it
to your Christmas party.

I'm sorry.

Terry, please tell me that this is one
of your jokes I don't understand.

It's just, the last few Christmases
haven't been so great for Danny.

Anyway, that is all going
to change this year.

I am gonna blow Danny's
Christmas mind.



We're gonna do everything the
way my mom did for me...

Turkey, carols,
Christmas movies.

Strike 2!

So, what are you getting
your mom for Christmas?

Maybe bangs...?

Wait. No. That would
be more a gift for me.

I want to get my mom
the perfect gift.

Batter's out! That's game!

- It was a foul!
- Hey, dingus!

How many times I got to tell ya?

If ya bunt the ball
with two strikes on ya

and it's not in play,
you're out, ya dingus!

- Yay! Double dingus!
- Yay! Double dingus!

Hey, here's the updated
Christmas tournament sched...



- Shorts.
- Oh, we're playing on Christmas day?

- Terribly inconvenient, I know, but...
- No! No, this is perfect!

I love Christmas games!

Then our little baseball family can
have a great Christmas together.

Who the heck plays
baseball on Christmas?

Uh, losers do... In
Southern California.

- They are not losers!
- Yes, we are.

- We haven't scored a single run all year.
- Face it, coach... We're a joke.

You guys, I used to love playing
on Christmas when I was a kid.

Hey, you get up, you open presents,
then you go to the field.

The Cannon would coach, my mom would
make hot chocolate... It's the best!

Or you could just forfeit and give
the rest of the league the day off.

Forfeit!

- Forfeit!
- Stop yelling "Forfeit"!

Come on, you guys.
We are not quitters.

What have I been saying
to you all year?

Don't let you forget to pay your
cellphone bill on the 21st?

Yes! Thank you.

Also, never give up, okay?

Winning... it takes hard
work, grit, determination.

Now raise your hand if
you're still a quitter.

Danny, don't even think
about raising your hand.

Well, look at that. Majority
rules, so it is a forfeit.

- Come on, you guys! Come on!
- Good job. Well done.

We're the Angles!
We stick together!

Season 1, Episode 10 "I'll
Slide Home for Christmas"

Mom, I'm sorry the team
voted to forfeit on you.

Oh, that's okay, buddy. We are still
going to have an amazing Christmas.

This is my favorite holiday jam!

♪ Feliz navidad

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba

Okay, let's talk
Christmas morning.

So, I am thinking, uh, "It's
a Wonderful Life" marathon,

pajamas all day, eating
cookie dough, huh?

That's what I did with my mom
and Cannon when I was a kid,

and that is exactly what
we are gonna do, buddy.

And, of course,
opening presents.

Now, if you could have one gift
under $37, it would be...?

You don't have to
get me anything.

I just want us to have the
perfect family Christmas.

You know, you're kind of obsessing
over the holidays this year.

Hey, I obsess about things
that are important to us.

- Merry Christmas!
- Lifelike Santa!

- Ho ho ho!
- It's the last one!

Merry Christmas!

What? This is important to us.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays!

Ho ho ho! Merry...

- Merry Christma...
- Dad! Stop!

- ♪ Merry christma... ♪
- I'm killing something!

You killed lifelike Santa!

W-what are you doing creeping around
the house in the middle of the night?

Dad, it's 8:15. I was
out in the garage.

I found some of mom's old Christmas
decorations and I wanted to put 'em up.

Put them back. It's
not happening.

My buddies and I, we, uh, we
don't do decorations, okay?

- Your boys?
- Uh, Earl, Louie, Stinky Pete.

Oh, wow. You still do
that stupid poker game.

Hey, and Stinky Pete?

The one who stole my bicycle and
then used it for drug money?

Hey, Christmas is about
forgiveness, right?

No. No. It is about spending
time with your family.

Really?

Well, then how come I haven't seen you one
Christmas since the time you moved out?

Dad, we invited you to spend
Christmas with us every year.

Yeah, right... That
was with you, Donny,

and that geek of a husband
that you had there.

- That's an automatic "never."
- What happened to you?

You know, when mom was alive, you woke
me up at 6:00 A.M. to open presents.

Yeah, well... That
was a long time ago.

Yeah, well, I want Danny to
have a perfect Christmas,

so just cancel your little poker
night and enjoy it with your family.

I'm the only family
that they have.

And they will miss this terribly.
They love it.

Well, I don't want to spend
it with a bunch of strangers.

They are not strangers. They're my
friends, and are playing poker.

No, we are having Christmas.

- Really, dad?
- Yeah, really.

This whole perfect-Christmas
thing is really coming together.

Danny! Why don't you come
help me decorate the tree?

Or you can come over here
and stick your entire face

right under this cheese nozzle.

Come in!

It's beginning to look a
lot like not-Christmas.

Oh, Terry, this is, uh, Noel, and...
and this is Noel.

- Hi.
- That's... That's the first Noel.

See, they're sisters.

Where should we set
up our North Pole?

- Really, dad? Strippers?
- They are not strippers.

They dance just a little bit.

Mm. Yeah. Well, get them out of here, okay?
This is insane.

They're going nowhere.

Where should we set up
our ping-pong balls?

- Oh, wow.
- I can do this all day long.

You know what, Danny? How about we get out
of here for some holiday spirit, okay?

And your grandfather here can
just go "scrooge" himself.

Hey, ladies.

No, mom. Wait. No, I wasn't...

Ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho!

Mom, I really don't need a
picture with Santa, okay?

I mean, look around. I'm a
dinosaur compared to these kids.

Oh, just humor me, buddy.

Santa's got to feed the reindeer,
so we'll be back in a while, folks.

What? What reindeer?

Nuh-uh! Elf! Elf, get back...
Elf!

Move.

Hi. Excuse me, uh, Mr. Claus.

Could we trouble you for just
one more picture, please?

In a little bit, hon.

I'm going on my break. I
should get something to eat.

So should the reindeer.

What reindeer?! There
are no reindeer.

Please? I mean, we've been
waiting here for over an hour,

and it would... just mean the world to
the... That little boy right there.

All right.

- Really?
- Yes.

Okay. Okay! Danny, yeah!
Come on!

Ho ho ho.

Yeah. Okay, get on up there.

So, what would you li...
Like f...

Santa's going down.

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What is wrong with him?

He said he needed something to eat.
He's a diabetic!

Way to go, mom.
You killed Santa.

- Didn't you park there?
- Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no! No, no!

No! No, no, no, no!
That's my car!

There are presents!
In the trunk!

Come in!

Hello?

If it ain't the three wise men...
Except you're all dumbasses.

That joke never gets old... Unlike you,
you wrinkly old bastard! Get over here!

- Where are the...
- Hey, boys!

Should we get this
party started or what?

In all seriousness, thank you.

You know how much we look
forward to this every year.

Why won't my phone work?

Because you forgot to pay
the bill on the 21st.

Right.

Right. So, the tow yard
isn't open till the 26th.

Christmas is just delayed.

Mom, you really have to lose this
idea of a perfect Christmas.

- Okay? It's obviously not gonna happen.
- Hey! It is going to happen!

You are gonna have a real
Christmas, even if it kills me.

- Christmas can suck it.
- Sir, mind your own business.

I'm a girl.

Cool.

Louie, ante up.

Ante up, or I'm gonna
tell the girls

that the stuff on your head is a
preview to what's on your back.

I'm out of this one.

I'm not gonna shave. I got
nobody to impress no more.

And what about you, Cannon?

You daughter still up in
Michigan with that deadbeat?

- Um... no, she's got her own life now.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.

My son's down in Florida.
We haven't talked in years.

I'll tell you, though, they
shouldn't allow him to carry a gun.

Yeah, this is fun.

Seriously... I got nothin'.

At least we got each other.

Yeah.

Oh! Terry! Terry, darling!

There you are. What
took you so long?

Well, you see, there were
strippers at our house,

mom might have killed Santa,
they towed our car, and...

And a partridge in a pear tree.
Fabulous, darling.

Why don't you go and join Michael over by
the gingerbread station with the others?

- All right.
- Just 'round there.

- Oh, Lulu.
- Hmm?

Your house is so...
Festive and...

Perfect.

Well, of course it is, darling.
It's moi.

I don't know what we would have
done if you hadn't taken us in.

Oh, good God, Terry.
Are you all right?

Well, this Christmas has
been a disaster so far.

But here... here is where
it's gonna turn all around.

I really want it to. It has to.

It better, because, Lulu, I
am hanging on by a thread,

and I cannot afford a therapist.

Christmas is tomorrow, and I still
have no idea what to get my mom.

I'm totally screwed.

- I have three kidneys.
- Okay. Thank you for that.

I just want to give her the
perfect Christmas gift.

What? The heads are
the best part.

♪ Christ the Savior is

♪ Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o...

Great. Great.

♪ ...o-o-rn-uh!

- Wonderful. Wonderful.
- Thank you all very much.

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you, Dick!

Who knew the man with the heart
of a devil could sing like a....

- Angel?
- Thank you.

Dick. Who's next?
Very exciting, hmm?

Oh, it's Terry!

Come up here, Terry. Great.

Let's hear it for Terry,
ladies and gentlemen.

- You go for it, darling.
- Thank you.

- Come on. Off you go.
- Yep.

Uh, ok... Oh. Uh...

Yeah, um, this isn't
the right song.

I requested "Feliz Navidad."

- We don't have it.
- What do you mean you don't...

That's, like, the best blind
Christmas song of all time.

My mom and I would crank
it up on the radio

and sing it at the
top of our lungs.

I don't know what to tell you. Go
find your mom. Sing it with her.

My mom is dead.

Oh, here we go.

Well, this is just perfect.

I have no feliz left...

And zero Navidad.

Oh, boy. This has been building
ever since she almost killed Santa.

I am obsessed with a
holiday that hates me.

We are sworn enemies.
We're like Kirk and Khan.

- Nerd!
- Hey! Hey! My dad...

Who would rather spend
Christmas with strippers

than his own daughter, made
me watch "Star Trek," okay?

I am obsessed with having the
perfect family Christmas.

I am obsessed with rebuilding a
relationship with my stupid father.

I am obsessed with
coaching a baseball team

that doesn't want
to play baseball.

You know those... those kids?
Do you see all those kids?

Yeah, they all have the
right attitude... quitting!

So simple. So easy.

So what I should
have been doing.

So, you know what, team?

I am on board with the
"I can't do" attitude.

Okay? Yeah. There.
So let's all quit.

How's that? Let's all quit.

Let's forfeit Christmas.

Peace.

I-I finally know what to
get my mom for Christmas.

Flawless bed head.

Mom. Wake up.

What's going on?

We're not quitters. Okay?
And neither are you.

We're gonna play today, and
we're gonna win for you.

Merry Christmas.

You are the best, buddy.

I love you.

I love you, too.

But... Please brush your teeth.

Sorry.

Okay! We are gonna crush them today!
I can feel it!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Phone, text Mr. The Cannon.

Raise.

Looks like somebody's hooking up
with a broad of baby-making age.

Spill it, Cannon. Who
you bunking with?

My daughter and her son. They...
They moved in here.

So... let's just play
cards, all right?

Why didn't you tell us?
Why aren't they here?

Look, for years, they wanted
nothing to do with me.

I mean, now they just waltz
in here and make demands.

This is our tradition right here.
We play cards,

we drink a little beer, we
have fun with the Noels.

That's what we do.

Because we got nothing
else, you jackass!

The reason our Christmas
tradition was born

was because everyone we were related to
was either dead or didn't want us around.

The only reason we're all here
is because we ain't got nobody.

You got somebody...
Two somebodies.

You know, you're the, uh,
smartest dumbasses I know.

Anyway, I fold.

- Where you going?
- We got a game.

Mom.

I'm sorry this is such a
crappy Christmas present.

Are you kidding? This
is the best gift ever.

It's Christmas with my gang.

It doesn't matter if we win.

The most important thing
is you didn't quit.

I am so proud of you, buddy.

All right, guys. Guys!

Look, we're down by 21.

We suck at this
sport, all right?

We're probably not gonna win
this game or any game ever.

But you know what we can do?
We can score a run, all right?

Let's not go down in history as the
worst team in this league, okay?

Let's score one run this
Christmas for us...

- For my mom, all right?
- Now, let's do this!

- Come on!
- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

All right, hands in.

"Angles" on...

Yeah!

- "Angles" on me!
- "Angles" on three!

One, two, three, Angles!

You know, your mom...

I mean, she loved this holiday,
uh, more than any other one.

I mean, she'd start
planning Christmas in July,

and it drove me up
a freaking wall.

Yeah, she was always
wound a little tight.

- Yeah. Well... You got that from her.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's where
I got it from.

See, uh... The holidays...

They really got kind of hard
for me after she passed,

and even more... When you left.

And, uh, these guys...
They, uh...

They helped me out, you know?

So, all this time, I thought
I was keeping them alive,

but in fact...

They were keeping me alive
until you showed up.

And so, uh... I guess,
if you take it,

uh, that'd have to
be your job now.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Okay, let go. Make
sure no one sees us.

Strike two!

Ya never bunt with two
strikes, ya dingus.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

N-o-o-o-o-o!

Ru-u-u-n!

Go-o-o-o!

Safe!

Whoo! Oh, my gosh!

Hey, hey, hey!

- Coach! We're in the middle of an inning!
- Shut up...

All right! That's ballgame!

Yeah!

- Terry, Terry.
- Let it fly, Dick.

Nothing you can say could
possibly ruin this moment for me.

No, look, I just wanted to
tell you I think it's great,

you're teaching these
kids to never quit.

Thanks.

You're welcome. And, um, also, I-I
picked up your car at the impound.

I own the lot, too, so...

The presents are still inside.

So...

Merry Christmas, Terry.

Hey, good-looking.

- Hey.
- What?

This is the most imperfectly
perfect Christmas ever.

Well...

It looks like it's, uh, just
me and you, short stuff.

I think you're bluffing.

Bluff this, pops. I'm all-in.

And, uh, looks like you don't have the
canes or the chestnuts to cover it.

Well, then...

And, uh, how about the
dishes for a month?

How about two months?

Deal.

Aces and 8s, full boat.

Send it!

And to all... a good night.