Back in the Game (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 9 - Massive Election - full transcript

Wait. Only four of you showed
up for practice today?

- Yeah. "The Unfantastic Four."
- Dad, filter.

- That's pretty filtered right there.
- Where is everybody?

- Vince and Vance have saxophone lessons.
- Angel's babysitting.

- Dong is here.
- We see that.

Vanessa's in the school
play with Michael,

Owen has scouts, and
Steve moved to Virginia.

This is the fourth time we've
had to cancel practice

'cause we didn't
have enough kids.

It's because we have the
worst practice time.

It's right after school.
No one can make it.



Half an hour later would
have been perfect.

That's when I get off of work.

- How old are you, son?
- All right, this has to change.

I am gonna go find Dick, and I'm gonna
ask for a better practice time.

- Hey, look. There he goes now.
- Yeah, good luck with that.

All right. I figured this out.

I know why our guys aren't
showing up for practice.

That's because we don't
have any leadership.

We don't have any step-up kind
of guy in the locker room.

We need a leader.
We need a captain.

- Let's just vote for one right now.
- I'll be captain!

Dong, uh, you... You have to be a U.S.
citizen.

- I nominate Danny.
- Me too.

- What do you say, kid?
- Uh... no.



No. No. I'm set. I don't...

What are you... what are you
talking about you're good?

I don't really want to do it.

My grandson doesn't
want to be the captain?

My grandson?

That bums me, pal. That bums me.

Whoa, Cannon. Are you okay?

Hey. Wait a minute.

I think I popped that thing back in.
That's fantastic, Dan.

I've never felt better.
Look at this. Wait.

Oh, the bank machine is open.

Oh, yeah! I'm hitting the links.

And, you... we're not through
with this captain stuff yet.

You got me? Not through!
Oh, but look at this.

Gin!

Season 1, Episode 9
"Massive Election"

That passenger seat
looks super comfy.

Yeah, for the last time, I'm the only one
who sits in this cart. Now, keep up.

There she is. There's Terry.
H-how do I look?

- You're going to ask her out again?
- Yeah, man. I'm wearing her down.

Why do you always put
on a show for her?

"A show"?

Is that what you
think I'm doing?

What I'm saying is, I think she's
looking for something more real.

- I'm not being real?
- Well, not with her, no.

I think if you just show Terry who you
really are, then she'd like that guy.

You know what? You don't know what
you're talking about. Okay? You don't.

So just step away from
the vehicle, please.

Further away.

I never meant to hurt you.

A golf cart?

- Oh, yeah.
- Really?

Yeah, I need it for... official
business as league president, you know?

I put out a lot of fires.

So I guess you could see this as
my totally awesome fire truck.

- What's up?
- I need to talk.

Well, hop in.

Will you talk to me
if I don't hop in?

- I will not.
- Fine.

It's better to
talk in the shade.

- So, what's up, Buttons?
- Uh, first off, don't call me "Buttons."

Secondly, I just need to
change my kid's practice time

by a half-hour so they can
make it after school.

Well, I wish I could help you out,
Terry, but you got to understand

there are a lot of
moving pieces to this.

For instance, the team that's in
that slot... what about them?

Look at it this way...
You ever play Jenga?

- Jenga?
- Jenga.

It's a profound game.

If you pull out the wrong piece,

then the whole thing collapses.

So all of this... All of it...

And this, it's just...

It's... it's Jenga.

All of... this...

Really weird.

So can I move my kid's
practice time or not?

Why don't you just bring it up at
the league meeting tomorrow night?

That's all you got to do.

Well, why didn't you just say
that in the first place?

Because I like you and I want
to spend more time with you.

And I wanted to maybe impress
you with my new golf cart.

- How'd that go?
- Not great.

Okay, then. I'll see you, uh...
I'll see you at the meeting, yeah?

- Yeah.
- See ya.

Not a chance, Stan.

This cart's for presidents only.

- Heads up!
- Watch out!

Man, that's got to hurt.

You have no idea.

Dad! What are you doing?
There are houses back there.

They don't know where the
balls are coming from.

- Kevin!
- That's Williger.

His house is, uh...
a good 180 yards.

- Seven iron.
- That's impressive.

Out of balls.

Speaking of which, you got
to have a talk with your son

about growing a pair
of those things.

He turned down being
captain of the team today.

- My Danny?
- Yeah, your Danny.

I mean, who does that? The
vote wasn't even rigged.

Look, I don't want to be in charge, okay?
I'm not like you guys.

I'm not a number one. I'm...
like an eight.

Eight? You don't see
yourself in the top five?

It's okay. Look, Danny
knows who he is,

and if he doesn't wanna be in
charge, that's... that's okay.

- It's is not okay.
- Let it go.

- But it's not okay.
- It's fine.

Okay, now I'm gonna go to work. Do
not listen to the cranky, yelly man.

All right? I love you
just the way you are.

You, come with me.

You rang?

Look, it is bothering the heck
out of me that he is like this.

Okay, we've been
here for six months.

He's kissed a boy once and
been slapped around twice.

- I'm really worried about him.
- Right. That's what I'm saying.

Okay, so here's how we're
gonna handle this, okay?

I'm gonna be the good cop. I'm
gonna be the supportive mom...

Tell him I love him no matter what.
You... you have to be the muscle.

You have to turn this kid around
and help him find his huevos,

or else you'll have
to deal with me.

Hey, buddy.

I love you no matter what.
Don't change.

Garner foursome, on the tee box.

You know, before
I hurt my elbow,

I was making $4,000 a month
from suckers like that.

Now let's see if we're
back in business. Come on.

Hey, Cannon, everyone else has one of
those rolly things for their bags.

- Can we get one?
- You are my rolly thing.

I see, you're making
me be your caddy

so I realize that it's better
to be a leader in life

than to be someone
who carries bags.

You're pretty quick
for a number eight.

So you just earned
yourself a rock.

What... What do you mean?

I'm gonna show you what I mean.

This is what I mean... A rock.

Don't lag. Come on.
We're teeing off.

Half my team has conflicts,

so I am asking to push my team's
practice by half an hour.

Um, well, look, that
sounds reasonable,

but your request is gonna
affect two other teams

that practice after you, so...

Well, I'll talk to those teams.

Not without legal
authorization, you won't,

and we got to vote on
that, so all in favor?

Okay. One, two, three, four.

Motion denied. I'm...
I'm sorry, Terry.

- But it's a Jenga world.
- Well, that's...

That's democracy in
action is what that is.

Okay, next order of business...
Election of the president.

Since I'm running unopposed,

why don't we just vote
this thing through, okay?

- All in favor?
- Wait.

"Unopposed"?

Hold on.

So if I run against
you and I win...

Can I change my own
practice time?

Theoretically, yeah, you could.
But, you know, theoretically,

A walrus could walk in
here with a harmonica

and bring the house down
with some Billy Joel, so...

Maybe some pretenders.

Look, the point is, it's
probably not gonna happen.

I'm running against you.

- Jenga, Dick.
- Oh, that's not even legal, is it?

Well, the league charter
says she can campaign

for the position until the next
board meeting takes place.

Okay, fine. Well, then, I'll just call
for an emergency meeting on Monday

so we can get this thing over with.
But I need a second that, so...

I second that emotion.

- Really, T?
- It's smokey.

You got one day to
get your votes.

You need five.
Meeting adjourned.

Oh, uh, Merkle,
Spiro, Bob, and Kat,

you guys have early duty
tomorrow at the field.

Boys... beers.

Hi. Hi. I'm... I'm Terry Gannon.

Yeah, that's a nice shirt.

That's a nice tie.
I'm Terry Gannon.

I'm gonna show you something. I
call this the big-shot show.

How do you hold your money? You
got your singles on the top.

In the middle, you got the $20s.

And the big ones are down
at the bottom, right?

Fold it in half, rubber
band, double twist,

snap, gin.

Put it down.

- Compare it.
- You have a lot more.

Right. Why? Because
you work for me.

Leader. Follower.

Yeah. Yeah. These examples
are really easy to follow.

But, Cannon, I still don't
want to be a leader, okay?

It's just not who I am.

Well, you just earned
yourself another rock, okay?

Have some pride,
will you, Spiro?

We're not just raking dirt.
We're making dreams come true.

- Dick, it's youth baseball.
- Exactly.

And you won't make it to the
majors with that attitude.

- I'm an accountant.
- Well, then be accountable.

God, Spiro! Get with it!

Dick has a lot of nerve.

It's an infield,
not a zen garden.

How would you like to
dethrone the king?

Ooh, baked.

- Wait. Those are 75 cents.
- Put it on my tab, Kitty Kat.

I bet dick throws off your whole
inventory taking chips like that.

By the end of the season,
I'm down $14.50,

and guess whose fanny pack
that's coming out of.

Well, somebody should
do something about him.

Maybe you could?

Well, I'll try, but I'm
gonna need some help.

I could get you that help.

I could also get you a sweet
deal on a fanny pack.

I noticed you are
not wearing one.

Okay, Kat.

Okay.

I have your four votes.
I just need one more.

It is totally possible for
us to take over this league.

But can't you see it's
pointless, Terry?

It's hopeless. Dick
owns this town.

And Dick has hit on every mom in this
league, yet I'm invisible to him.

What does that have
to do with anything?

I'm gonna have to
freeze my eggs now.

See? This is what I am talking about.
We don't have to put up with this.

Shh. Is that a golf cart?
Damn, it's Dick.

Hey.

- What do we have here?
- Nothing.

Yeah?

He knows. He knows you're
trying to take him down.

Tell you what, guys, before
you go down this road,

you might want to think about what this
league was like before I took over.

No scoreboard. Gofer holes.

Willie the hobo living
in the equipment shed...

All cleaned up because of me.

Yeah, along with you being
an inflexible jerk.

Oh, Terry, I am super flexible.

Whatever, Dick. Me and my friends
are gonna take you down.

Well, you need five votes,
Terry, so how you gonna do it?

- I only see four.
- Oh. Well, it's easy.

See, you take out the weakest link,
and the whole tower collapses.

Jenga.

Mnh-mnh. That's my thing.

I'm watching you, Bob.

I'm sorry, Dick.

You know I don't care if
you're a team captain or not.

I just...

I just want to understand
what's going on

inside your head so that
I can be there for you.

- So what is it, buddy?
- I'm afraid to fail, okay?

In front of my friends,
in front of Vanessa.

I'll look like a jerk.

Okay, but right now, I'm safe.

A few days ago at school, we learned
about this thing called "regicide."

Do you know what that is?

Something you spray on
your tomato plants?

No. It's when a king
gets assassinated.

Okay, no one wants to
kill the underlings,

but when you're the king, you got
that big old target on your back.

Okay, I don't need
that pressure.

I hear you. And you don't.

- And I completely understand.
- Thank you.

The world is gonna
eat that kid alive.

Turn up the heat.

- You got it, baby.
- Yeah.

All right, I'm gonna
go work on Stan

and his low self-esteem
to get his vote.

Can I count on you to use your
influence on Al as a backup plan?

Darling, with those pecs, he
was already on my to-do list.

With my money and my
looks and your...

Intelligence and sad past, those
guys don't stand a chance.

- My "sad past"?
- Own it, darling. Let's roll.

I know what this is about, Terry.
I can't give you my vote.

Dick and I go all the way
back to high school.

Is that how long he's
been mistreating you?

No. Way before that.

Coach Al, I've
been watching you.

Not as much as I've
been watching you.

- And you know what I know?
- What?

You've come over here to use your
feminine wiles to get my vote.

Let me ask you something, Lulu. Is
that all you are... A beautiful pawn?

I'm so sorry. I don't
understand the question.

People have you pegged
as some shallow floozy

who's burning through her dead husband's
money, but I see beyond that.

Behind those eyes, I see
a delicate, sweet woman.

My question is, when are you
gonna let her come out?

- You are not what I expected.
- I get that a lot.

So, the reality is,
when I am elected,

I'm gonna change my
team's practice time,

then I'm gonna step down
and appoint you president.

No one is ever gonna tell
you to shut up again.

What about my mom?

- Well, I can't control your mom, Stan.
- Would you at least talk to her?

We can discuss that.

I just think it's
safer, you know,

to play this big character
rather than be this....

- Vulnerable little girl from Brighton.
- That's why you're self-medicating.

You need to find a safe
home, emotionally.

- Oh, my.
- N-not here.

Not yet.

Let me heal you first.

I like the way you
make me feel, Terry.

I'm not used to being in the
catbird seat like this.

Oh, take it in.
Take it in, Stan.

You know that plaque in the league office
that has all the former presidents on it?

Your name could be
on that plaque.

A vote for me is a vote for you.

League president Stanley...

- What is your last name?
- Horchatta.

Hor... Horchatta?

It's French-Indian-
Scandinavian-Dutch-Irish.

Stan! Guess what arrived.

All-star-manager jackets.

Now wait for it.

Wait for it.

Oh, Mary, Mother of...
It's beautiful.

Come try it on.

Feel that material. That is
all-star-team coach material.

Yeah. Here we go.

You're playing with
the big boys now.

You look like Tommy Lasorda Jr.

- Stan, that's not a compliment.
- No, yes, it is.

Danny boy, this is Derek
Diggs right here.

- This is my grandson.
- Derek Diggs.

You can call me "D2,"
"D-squared," "Double D."

Derek digs them all. You
see what I did there?

I dig that, yeah.

Anyway, uh, Derek here's the
biggest pharmaceutical rep

in all of Southern California.

And I'm about to take
down some of his cash.

- So automatic price is $100 a hole?
- That's what she said.

Oh, hey, not in front
of the kid, okay?

All right.

Danny, when I put my hand out like
this, it means give me the driver.

I know. I just don't
want to be here.

- That kid just sassed you.
- Give me the thing.

- Don't throw it.
- You caught it.

Don't throw it.

Oh, God! I threw that
thing out again!

Oh, God, that hurts!

That's a shame. That's
a hell of a shot.

There's a $1,200 putt on the
line, and you can't take it.

That's a DQ. Unable to perform.

- That's what she said.
- Would you shut up?

Look, I have an idea, all right?
Why don't I take the shot?

What? I mean, that's like $1,200.
You gonna stand up for $1,200?

Why don't you pay me now?
Save you a walk to the green.

You know what, Double D? I
think you're kind of a jerk.

All right. Cannon, I got this.

And there he is.

Hit it like you mean it, Nancy.

"Nancy"? You like your teeth, Double D?
Leave the kid alone.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

By they way, I know you
didn't hurt your elbow.

What a guy. What a putt.

- Cash, my friend.
- Pay up.

Remember, Stan, a vote for
me is a vote for you.

Look, Terry, I think
you're great.

And Dick does sometimes take advantage
of me, but this is all he has.

When he got divorced,
heenent off the rails.

This league became his life.
It still is.

I'm afraid if I vote for you
over him, he'll spin out again.

And I'm his friend, Terry. I'm
not gonna let that happen.

Well, think about this...

If this is all Dick has, maybe
it's not such a good thing.

- You're a good man, Horchatta.
- Hor-r-r-chatta.

- Hor...
- Hor-r-r-r-r-chatta.

- Hor-r-r-r... chatta.
- Oh.

You're a good man, Stan.

- She's a beaut, ain't she?
- Danny, hey.

Are you here to
support your mom?

No. I'm here to
support you, Stan.

Man, you'd look real
good in this thing.

Okay, so, let's just get this over
with, right, so we can all go home.

Anyone in favor of
an inexperienced,

uh, fragile pizza worker

to be the next league president,
go ahead and raise your hand.

It's a waste of time, guys.

Okay, so, one, two, three, four.

Anybody else? Nobody?

- Okay, meeting adjourned.
- Wait!

Stan, what the hell
are you doing?

- Put your hand down.
- No, Dick.

It's time I did something
for my own good.

I vote for Terry.

I win! I win!

- Yes! I'm the big winner!
- Yeah!

Kitty, Bob, Spiro, Dick crushed!
We did it!

I knew we could do it!
It's a new day!

You're dead to me, Horchatta!

Thank you, Stan.

Let's be clear, Terry. The
only reason I voted for you

is because Danny promised me
the golf cart for a year.

It's Horchatta time.

Danny did what?

- Hey, what are you doing? Be careful.
- All right.

- Here.
- What are you, crazy?

I am crazy, with Gannon pride.

You won. I won. Danny won twice today.
Come on.

Hey, buddy, once again, ththat
was a great putt today.

Oh, and that thing you did with Stan...
it was genius.

- You became a leader today.
- Whoa, look. Stop the clock.

All right, look, I only did those things
because double d was being a jerk,

and we do need a better
practice time, all right?

I know you guys want me to be a leader
and a captain and to win at all costs,

but that's just really
not who I am, all right?

I-I only did that stuff 'cause I
wanted to get you guys off my back.

I'm sorry if that's not good enough
for you guys, but that's how it is.

And, by the way, if being
a leader is so important,

then why aren't you
guys doing any better?

- I've often thought that.
- Kid's got a point, yeah.

And, P.S., I'm 11, and I know
you guys worry about me,

but I have a lot of time to
think this stuff through.

Oh, buddy. I shouldn't get
so wrapped up in this stuff.

It's just I was raised to
lead and win at all costs.

And so?

And I do that without thinking how
it affects other people sometimes.

- And I'm sorry.
- It's all right, mom.

I just heard a speech.
It was great.

And that speech was perfect
for a team captain...

- Perfect speech.
- Let it go.

Never!

Hey, Prez.

Um, I just wanted to bring
by the league files.

It's a tough job, so I figured
if you have any questions,

I'd be, uh, happy to help out.

You know what, Dick?

You should hang on to those.

Yeah, you want to set up your
own filing system. I get that.

Fact is, even though I beat you,

you are the best
person for the job.

So, you're... you're
giving me the job back?

On one condition.

- I get to change my practice time.
- Done. Take whatever spot you want.

Thank you, Terry. Uh...

You're welcome, Dick.

So, maybe we should get a
celebratory Margarita?

Or maybe a beer
or a scotch or...