Baby Daddy (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 9 - A Wheeler Family Christmas Outing - full transcript

I'm telling you, Emma.
A little sun,

a little surf,
a little cold one--

life does not get
any better than this.

Hello? Sorry I'm late.
My flip-flops

flopped out
around 14th.

- What's going on?
- Welcome to Wheeler beach,

where strangers don't ask you
to rub lotion on their back.

Snow cones? One of the benefits
of never de-frosting the freezer.

Listen...

Your current
flavor choices include

beer



or ketchup.

I recommend the combo.

Oh, I thought we were going
to the real beach.

You know, where I get to ask
strangers to rub lotion on my back.

We were. Unfortunately,
I got called into work.

But it's the hottest day
of the year.

What kind of crazy person
is even gonna be out?

Merry Christmas,
everybody!

Are you all ready
to revive

a cherished Wheeler
family tradition?

All right!
Pancake-eating contest!

No. The annual
Christmas card photo.

It was Benji's idea.

Whoo!
Family photo!



There really is just no way
to make that sound exciting.

Yeah. Because Mom used
to dress us up like reindeer

and make us look
like idiots.

I know. But now
that Emma's here,

I wanna dress her up
like a reindeer

and make her look
like an idiot.

Aww, I always loved
that card.

It was the highlight
of the season.

Thank you, Riley.

We put it on our fridge,
and laughed...

In admiration
whenever we saw it.

Well, I'm glad you liked it
because you're gonna be in it.

You too, Tuck.
This is about family

and you're both part
of Emma's family now.

Well, God knows
she needs a new one

since your father
blew up the old one.

Ooh, beer cone! Mm.

I actually just finished
cutting his fat head out

of all of our albums.

But you guys got divorced
over three years ago.

Yeah, well, I spent the first two
years trying to ruin his credit.

And then I just
kind of landed on this.

Hey, Tuck.

As the newest member
of the Wheeler clan,

any way I can talk you
into taking my mom's car

out to Jersey tomorrow
to pick up the costumes?

Oh, you know
I don't really drive.

Oh, I do! I'll drive.
Can I do it?

I'm a new member too.

Well, why can't I go?
What's going on?

Well, you know how
it wouldn't be Christmas

- without Santa?
- But Dad was always Santa!

And his sleigh lands
tomorrow morning.

Your father
is coming to town?!

Merry Christmas!

♪ It's amazing
how the unexpected ♪

♪ can take your life
and change direction. ♪

Okay, Mom, Dad will
be here any minute.

And I'm begging you--
one weekend,

one photo,
no fighting.

Hey, I'm not the one
you need to worry about.

I have moved on.

Ray Wheeler is just
a speed bump in

my rearview mirror.

I wouldn't mind slamming
the car in reverse

- and backing up--
- Mom!

All right.

Danny, back me up here.

Dude, there are some things in life
you just don't get in between.

a bear and its cub,
a zombie and a brain,

and Mom and Dad fighting.

That's him!

Mom, remember--

How he crushed my soul

and left my ego for dead?

Distant memory. Okay?

- Dad!
- Ben Ben!

Oh!

Oh, you're looking good
as always.

- Hey, Dad!
- Dan the man!

- Think fast!
- Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

There she is.

Oh!

Hi. Hi.

I think we know where she gets
her good looks from, huh?

There's a sound I haven't
missed once.

Grab the baby.

Bonnie.

Ray.

Wow! Would you
look at us?

Just one big happy
family.

So Dad, how's business?

Good. Good.

I got three homes
going up.

Oh, that's ironic.

I thought your specialty
was wrecking them.

Just the old broken-down ones.

Dad, come on.
You said you weren't go there.

Go where?
Mid-life crisis island?

Too late! I heard you
were just elected mayor!

You know what
you should try? Yoga.

I've been doing it
twice a week.

I can actually touch
my toes.

Oh. Well, that should
make it easier

for you to pull
your head outta your--

Mom!

What?

You didn't know where
I was going with that.

Ass!

Okay? Maybe you did.
Just--

Seriously?

Who has 14 boxes
of Christmas costumes?

Even Jesus would
call this overkill.

Okay. Well, then
make yourself useful

and find us a good one.

I wanna be something
naughty and nice.

Okay.

We've got a-- a box
full of random beards.

Some assorted angel
paraphernalia.

Oh! Halo!

What's over here?

Oh! And a box full
of Danny's old schoolwork?

So Riley...

When I said,
"hey, check the boxes,"

I kinda meant,
"hey, check the boxes!"

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was too busy ignoring you.

Oh, but wait!

What do we have here?

The journal of one Mr.

Daniel J. Wheeler.

Oh my God! Aww, that was
our senior class project.

Should we read it?
Is that like totally wrong?

Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying?
I was reading.

Tucker, if you're gonna
invade someone's privacy,

at least have the decency
to read it out loud.

Hey, you got room
for one more out here?

Look, Ray, I'm sorry.

But I just can't pretend
that I'm happy to see you.

Well, I could.

But then they'd
have to give me an award,

and I'd have
to write a speech

and you know,
who's got the time?!

I just wanna have
a conversation.

Well, whatever it is,
I don't want to hear it.

I want to apologize.

Go on.

You deserved better.

I was going through a lot and
I was taking it out on you.

And I'm sorry.

But I gotta say, seeing
how good you look--

it makes me feel
a lot better.

You think I look good?

Yeah, I think you
look fantastic.

Apparently having me a thousand
miles away is good for you.

I don't know
if it's that.

Or just that I've been
drinking more water.

Hey, what do you say you and I spend
a little quality time together?

You know, without
the k-i-ds.

You still happy
we stopped at two?

Ecstatic.

But the new one
shows promise.

I'm babysitting her
tonight.

And they didn't tell me

that I couldn't invite
any boys over.

So do you want
to join?

Yeah. Yeah,
it's a date.

I've missed you,
Bonnie.

So? Huh?
Well? See?

I don't know.

Call me crazy, but I
think that your father

is looking to move
back to Bonnie town!

Oh, wait wait wait.

I think we might
finally have something.

Oh, there's a whole
section about a secret crush.

It looks like
the big guy was in love.

Oh yeah-- no.

Trust me, if there's
anything I know about Danny

it's that he
was never in love.

Yeah, tell that
to girl "X."

Girl "X"?
Who's girl "X"?

Oh, I'm sensing that
might be a code.

What?

Yeah, I guess he checked her out
every day at field hockey practice.

There is no way!
I played field hockey.

We made fun of
every girl on that team.

Wait.

You were on
the field hockey team?

Yeah.

Okay, keep reading.
We gotta figure this out.

Oh no, that's it.
The end.

When I said section
I just meant those two lines.

Oh, give it to me.

Oh! Oops!

Now look what you
have done.

Now we'll never know.

You and Mom... so?

Huh? Well? See?

Look, I'm not gonna lie,
it was really good to see her.

Look, I don't wanna be
one of those

"maybe mommy and daddy
are getting back together"

kids, but...

Maybe mommy and daddy
are getting back together?

Is that what
you were thinking?

I'm sorry, that is not
gonna happen.

I'm actually
seeing someone.

Now? Just when you
and Mom are about

to get back together?

I'm sure she'll understand.

Dad, no! You cannot tell Mom
you're in a relationship!

At least not until after the
Christmas photo. Please!

She will not be happy
about your happiness.

You know, unlike me,
who's very happy for you.

I'm sorry.

What's her name?

His name is Steve.

That's... weird.

'Cause you said Steve and
that's usually a boy's name.

And then you said "his."

Ben, I'm gay.

Okay...

Wow! Really?

Probably could have eased
into that a little more.

I'm sorry. I saw an opening and
I just kind of went for it.

Are you sure?

Sure enough that I'm living
with a guy named Steve.

But what about
you and Mom?

Ben, I loved your Mom.

Being with her was like
driving a great car.

And then one day that car throws
your suitcase out on the front lawn,

so you get on a plane,
and you realize...

Holy cow!

I'm a pilot.

Along with your delivery, you might
wanna work on your analogies.

They say the first time you
talk to someone is the hardest,

so when I talk to your mother
and your brother, I'm sure--

Oh, no no no no no!

You cannot tell Mom
or Danny.

At least not now.
I've got a happy family photo to take,

and just because gay means happy,
it doesn't mean they will be.

I just hate to be dishonest.

Dad, it's only dishonest
if someone asks.

And trust me,
no one is gonna ask.

Ask what?

How quickly we can
change the subject?

I have a friend who's
thinking about coming out.

To visit?

Of the closet.

Why is he in--

Oh... that closet.
Got it!

But he's not ready
to come out yet.

Actually, I think he is.

What's the big deal?
If he's gay, he's gay.

It just means more
ladies for me.

See? Totally on board.

But if your friend's
gay today,

he'll probably still
be gay tomorrow.

Say, after 5:00?

I'm not exactly sure
how that works,

but I think he's right.

All right, it's cool.
He's waited this long,

I'm sure he can wait
another day.

Thank you.

I'm pretty I know
who your friend is.

You do?

And you're okay
with that?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Oh, that's great.

That is so great.

Oh, you know what?
I'm gonna take this.

Let's just keep this
between us for now.

Ben's worried if your mother
finds out she's gonna freak.

- Totally. It's our secret.
- Thank you.

Hey, bro, just know...

I'll always love you.

Thanks.

But you're still gonna
have to pay for this beer.

Hey, Wheeler!
You home?

I got a couple
♪ questions.

Oh, and I've got
some answers.

Boxes in the back.
Riley out the door.

Wow, don't think I'm gonna
make a habit of this,

but you look beautiful.

Thanks.
You look sweaty.

Listen, Riley,

I need the advice
of a girlfriend.

And, well, you're here,

so...

What would you say if Ray
and I got back together?

Well, if you're
really asking my advice...

I think it's a truly
horrible idea.

So what you're saying is

I should liquor him up,
and then break out

a few of my
seductive charms.

Yeah, that's actually the
opposite of what I was saying.

I know, but I didn't
like what you said.

Grandpa reporting
for duty.

Hi.

- Fatpants?!
- Right?!

Oh my God!
Look at you!

Who knew that

this was hidden
inside all that?

Really nice to see
you again, Mr. Wheeler.

You guys have
a good night.

Boom boom boom boom boom.

Oddly made for each other.

Wait! You read
my journal?

What's wrong with you?!

What? Stay with me.
Okay?

Riley knows about
girl "X."

You broke my code?

No, I called up
my three-year-old nephew

and he broke it.

But Riley has not, okay?

So you've got yourself
two options:

One, finally man up and admit
that you've been in love with her

after all
these years.

Or, you can--

or you can just hide.

Where did you
g-- oh!

Hi.

Do you who your brother
was in love with in high school?

Yeah. Himself.

I think they're
still together.

Well, do you know
where he is?

I'm gonna give him
such grief.

Yeah, I think he's
over there with my--

where's my dad?

♪ I know something
you don't know. ♪

Guarantee I know
a whole lot more.

Do you know your folks
might be getting back together?

Already been down that path, and it does
not lead to happiness and rainbows.

Well, maybe a rainbow.

Well, then someone should
probably tell your mom

because she is about
to launch a full-on assault.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

I gotta go!
Hey, cover for me!

Wait wait wait wait.
You remember when we stole

all the neighbors'
garden gnomes?

And then that
crazy Johnnie Haskell

from across the street

demanded to search
our garage.

That's right.

Oh my gosh, how did we get
ourselves out of that?

We blamed the boys and
grounded them for a week.

Those kids do come in
handy sometimes.

Oh, and do you remember

how Johnnie always used to work
out in his yard shirtless?

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm great.
I just feel

like I need to talk
to you about something.

Ray, it's your bonbon.

You can tell me anything.

I was gonna wait until
after the picture tomorrow

'cause I didn't want it
to get too awkward, but--

Well, I think you'll
find that I am...

Fairly receptive.

- Bonnie.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry.
I just can't.

Well, maybe you just
need a little inspiration.

Welcome to Bonnie town!

Bonnie!

Oh God!

Oh...

Oh! Oh!

This is gonna cost
so much in therapy.

Oh God!

And that is
how you cool off

during a heat wave.

Honestly, Ben,
don't you ever knock?

Sorry I keep forgetting
it's my apartment!

Well, okay, but if you could just
grab whatever it is you needed, and--

So what's the plan?
Hide from her

- for the rest of your life?
- Well, how hard can it be?

It's not like she comes over that much.

- Riley's coming over.
- Quick! Back to the bar!

Hey, that's a great idea.

Wheeler men bonding
at the bar.

Wheeler women bonding at the
apartment-- let's go, Dad!

Nothing like a night out
with the boys.

- And by boys, I mean--
- She's got it, Dad, yep!

I don't know which
one you are,

but you're definitely the
cutest reindeer of them all.

When did I become
one of those parents?

Probably two seconds after I saw
you in those little antlers.

Okay, Santa baby,
let's move it along.

Christmas is just
around the corner

and so is my next break.

Yeah, we'll just be
another minute.

Well, what do you think?

Does your dad
look like a wise man?

Wiser than you did
last night.

Yeah, that probably wasn't the
best time to come out to your mom.

You know what?
I think I'll do it the old-fashioned way

and just blurt it out
at Thanksgiving.

And the Christmas angel
is upon us.

Hey, maybe later
we can ditch the fat man

and you can try
to tarnish my halo.

Okay, Mom.

- You'll be standing over here.
- I know, but I was--

- W-way-- way over here.
- Okay, all right.

Okay, this isn't
a social, people.

Let's shake
our tinsel makers

and get a move on.

Okay, guys, come on!
Let's go!

Well, put a plaid
skirt on this

and it's my senior
class picture.

Danny, come on.

Why won't you tell me
who your secret crush was?

I think you're kinda
missing the point

of it being a secret.

Um, it's me, Riley.
You tell me everything.

What do you have
to be embarrassed about?

I don't have anything
to be embarrassed about.

It was just
a long time ago

and I don't want
to talk about it.

Are my presents on
the right feet?

Let me see.

Damn it!

I think I just
popped a gumdrop.

Okay. It's official.

I can't possibly be
more humiliated.

Don't forget your hat!

Oh, and I stand
corrected.

Danny's old elf costume.

Aww, he hasn't fit into
that since he was four.

Hear those bells?

Yeah, that's the last
sound you'll hear

before you're clubbed
to death by a candy cane.

Can we please
just let it go?

You know I'll
figure it out.

Okay, Von Trapps.

- Finally all here?
- Uh, yeah yeah. Just, uh--

- Great.
- You know, we never got

to finish what
we started last night.

Oh! Uh, Ben?

- Mom, hands to yourself, okay?
- Okay.

If I could just get
my little elf to sit down.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just saying,
okay?

I have seen 150
Christmas movies,

and I ain't never
seen a black elf!

Okay, I think
we're ready.

Okay. So when I
yell "Vixen"...

Fine. So she was
on the field hockey team,

we obviously had
the same math class, and--

Oh my God.
I know who it is.

Danny...

One, two--

Ben's gay!

- What?!
- Ben?!

Seriously?!

I'm not gay!

Dude, it's okay.

I guess I'm not
that surprised.

It does explain
the whole Tucker thing.

Wait! Hold up!

Wait, you think
I'm gay?!

Yo, how could you
look at me and say that?

Okay, for the last time,
I'm not gay.

Danny, what is the matter
with you?

Come on!
"Your friend"?

Dad told me.

You told your father
before you told me?!

I didn't tell
anyone anything.

Because he's afraid
to come out.

- I'm not coming out!
- See?

- I'm gay!
- Dad.

- Mr. Wheeler?
- Ray, you don't have

- to cover for him.
- I'm not covering for him.

I'm telling the truth.

Are you serious?

Yes!

You're gay?!

Any chance we could put a pin in
this until after we take the photo?

Wow!

You think you could have eased
into that a little more?

Yeah, I have been told I
need to work on my delivery.

Well, hearing you
say that just

confirms...
Everything I've always known.

You knew Dad was gay?

No.

Nothing was my fault!

Ah! Oh, wow.

It feels so good
to be right.

So does this mean
that we're actually okay?

Uh, I guess.

I just wish you would have
blurted it out at Thanksgiving

like a normal person.

Okay, and we're back.

Okay, everybody together.

Okay, sorry about that.

Though I'm guessing this
doesn't happen every day.

You'd be surprised.

Okay, on three.

One, two...

It was that exchange
student, wasn't it?

Three!

Dear Diary.
It's me again.

Today was epic!

First of all,
girl "X" has no idea

that she's girl "X."

But for safety's sake,
we'll call her girl "Y."

Oh! But I didn't tell you the biggest
thing that happened to me today.

I just found out

that my favorite Chinese
restaurant delivers!

I no longer have
to take two subways

to get those
amazing eggrolls.

Oh!

My dad's gay
and Ben isn't.

Danny.