Baby Daddy (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Daddy Whisperer - full transcript
Ben has a one-on-one to clean up his act at an elite Mommy and Me class.
Stop. Gimme that!
I've got it. Quit yapping at me,
Play nice, Danny.
Or at least give him a step ladder.
Okay, people.
I need a clean shirt and a clean baby,
not necessarily in that order.
Emma, you ready for
your first playdate?
Okay now. Remember, Emma,
what we talked about.
Just because
he buys you formula
doesn't mean you need
to share your toys.
She's actually pretty smitten with
her new little friend Jordan.
Well, she's also having
an affair with her thumb,
so I wouldn't be picking
out china just yet.
Honey, I think
it's so cute that you
joined a Mommy and Me class.
Room full of hot mommies?
- Yeah, he's selfless.
- ( Scoffs )
This is about Emma, okay?
Jordan's mom Isabelle
is amazing.
People actually call her
the "mommy whisperer."
Funny.
That used to be
your father's nickname.
She runs
the whole program.
There's a huge waiting list
for her class.
But, using a little
of the patented Wheeler charm,
Emma and I have jumped
to the front of the list.
We pass our playdate audition
today, and we're in.
- ( Music from TV playing )
- We're in! Yes!
- Finally!
- Whoo! Yes!
Today is gonna be
all about yelling,
swearing and full-on
body blows.
( Mouths )
Sounds like
my wedding night.
Boxing. It's the
pay-per-view fight
- of the decade.
- Yup.
And watching it
is how we stay manly.
Ohh.
Yeah, okay,
that should do it.
Oh! It's okay, Emma.
Here we go.
Three-second rule.
No! No-second rule.
Izzy said
that's a myth.
Do you have any idea
what kind of germs
you're exposing her to?
Honey, when I was
raising you boys,
it was a three-day rule.
If you kept it down,
it was safe.
If you didn't--
well, that's why we had a dog.
Well, Izzy has this
simple list of rules
that every parent
needs to follow.
It's amazing how much
I don't know.
We're all amazed
at that, honey.
And I've got
a list too.
Chips, beer,
salsa, guacamole
- and you be home by 8:00.
- ( Mouths )
Please.
I'm so on it.
And I'm so late.
The first thing
on Izzy's list:
Be prepared
for everything.
The second thing
on the list:
Don't forget
the baby.
( Theme music playing )
♪ It's amazing
how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life
and change directions. ♪
So maybe not
the best day for the park.
- If you need to dry off--
- We're good.
Rain or shine,
we're always prepared.
Make yourself comfortable,
while we recycle our raincoats.
It smells very...
( Inhales )
Male.
On behalf of the three men
who live here,
thank you.
Look, we're sorta new
on the whole
baby-dating scene,
so I'm not really sure
what comes next.
A little peek-a-boo.
Maybe some spin-the-bottle.
That's hilarious.
But it's almost time
for Jordan's nap
and I can't imagine
putting him down
anywhere here,
so we should...
Probably be going.
No no no no.
Please don't.
I know we're
probably not up
to your usual standards.
And the place could use
a touch more...
- Baby-proofing.
- "A touch?"
She says, looking
at a giant dartboard
and 75 choking hazards.
Ben, I'm sorry.
I just don't know
if you're taking your role
as a parent seriously enough.
And that's why we need
to be in your class.
We're tired of being
pathetic "Befores."
( Exaggerated sigh )
We wanna be
happy "Afters."
( Laughs )
We need to be
Izzied.
Yay, Izzy!
( Giggles )
I guess I could do
a private home intensive.
A one-on-one where we go through
everything in the place.
Yes! Thank you.
Maybe we could
do it over dinner.
My mom's got
Jordan tonight,
which just means
dohe'll probably know
how to mix a Martini
before he's two.
Tonight?
As in this evening?
Hours from now?
It's really
the only time I have.
And there's no way
that I could let
the two of you
into my class.
Then tonight it is!
But I'm just
letting you know,
I'm a really fast learner,
so get ready to put
the baby pedal
to the daddy metal.
( Chuckles )
I have no idea
what that means.
Ben, honey, there is
such a thing as being
too protective.
Did I pick you up
every time you cried? No.
Did I feed you
every time you were hungry?
No.
Did I fix those
frayed wires
behind the TV?
I mean, what am I?
An electrician?
Come on, Ben,
you turned out--
well, you are still here.
I feel so coddled.
Well, you should,
since I'm making dinner
for you and lady goo-goo.
Hey, that's organic
chicken, right?
She only eats organic.
Yeah, right.
Like I'm going to spend
40 bucks on a breast
of chicken.
I don't spend that much
per cup on a bra.
Mom! This is important.
Honey, your brother is 6'5"
and he grew up
eating dirt.
( Door opens )
I did it!
I got the job.
You are looking
at the newest employee
of Bender, Bowman, Brockman
and some guy whose name
I can't pronounce.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Wow. That's a really
long name for a strip club.
It's a law firm
and I start my internship
on Monday.
Well, then you better
find the rest of that skirt
before then because
I can kinda see
your tonsils.
This is the most
conservative thing I have.
Well, Emma and I are
heading to the outlet mall
for their monthly
madness sale.
It's 40% off
of 40% off.
Which I think means,
they pay you.
Well, I actually could use
a couple of new suits.
Here's something
I'm gonna regret.
Mrs. Wheeler,
will you take
me shopping?
Absolutely.
I can always use
somebody to block
those perfume ladies.
Those bitches are tough.
But we should probably get
going before the fight starts.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot the fight
of the decade is tonight.
No. I mean the one
Ben's gonna be getting into
with the boys when they find
out that he's ditching them
for dizzy.
- Izzy.
- Whatever.
Hey, it's for Emma.
They'll understand.
I don't understand!
Do you not see
that we've instituted
- a leave-no-chip-behind policy?
- Yeah.
You cannot pull the plug.
I'm making my famous
five-layer bean dip.
I thought we were
doing my onion dip.
Well, maybe we can try
something different.
Guys!
I'm really sorry,
but you'll have to find
somewhere else
to watch the fight.
We all have to make
some sacrifices.
Oh, I know exactly
who I'm sacrificing.
Yeah, we wanna watch
the fight in our home
with our stuff
on our television!
Yeah, this is
unacceptable behavior.
We are so revoking
your bro card.
Well, feel free
to put it in this box
with the rest of
your non-baby-friendly crap
and dump it
in the storage cage.
I've got important
Mommy and Me business.
( Door shuts )
Does he even hear
how weak that sounds?
( Ben shouts )
Yes, he does!
You were amazing.
The way you just ripped that
shirt right out of her hands.
That's why they
call it a tag sale.
I tagged her right
on her ass--
just ka-blam!
Excuse me. Ladies.
Normally I
would buy cookies
from your troop, sir,
but I just dropped
a boatload of cash--
let's cut the chatter.
I got a 942 in progress.
Follow me, please.
I'm sorry,
is there a problem?
Yeah. You're under arrest.
Let's fall
in line, blondies.
Dude, I can't believe
you didn't have enough room
in your storage cage
for some boxes.
You gotta get rid
of some of that crap.
Dude, I can't help it.
All that furniture
belonged to my nana.
And I had my first kiss
on that couch.
Could we please
just dump these
and find a place
to watch the fight?
- Okay.
- ( Sighs )
Wait!
Is that a cable outlet?
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Yeah.
We need to find a place
to watch the fight.
- Both: Oh!
- Yeah.
Guys?
Where is everything?
I believe
the laundry room
is officially
back in order.
Who needs Ben?
More importantly,
who needs beer? Okay.
This guy.
( Playfully groans )
( Laughs ) Mmm.
Okay, water boiled for pasta-- check.
Salad in a bag I'll pretend
I made myself-- check.
Sweating through
my nice shirt-- double check.
Okay, now what?
Cut the chicken
into bite-sized pieces.
Right.
( Tucker laughing )
Where have you guys been?
I've been calling you
for over an hour.
No reception
in the man cave.
The where?
It doesn't matter.
Thank you for getting
on board with this.
I say onion and bean.
- I say I love you.
- ( Chuckles )
I'll text you as soon
as Izzy's gone
and you can bring back
the TV
and my bro card.
We're good.
Maybe you can catch
the fight down
at the bar.
Oh, is that where
you're watching it?
Nope.
So you're not
gonna tell me where?
Don't see
why we should.
Not really something
you seem interested in.
Really? Could you
be more childish?
( Whining )
Please.
Laundry room.
It's so cool!
What is the point
in having a No-Ben club
- when you invite Ben?
- ( Door opens )
- Knock knock.
- Izzy, hey.
Just take this
baby monitor
and let me know if
anything big happens.
Thank you for coming.
My brother and my roommate,
both giant supporters.
- Hi.
- Oh, I actually just sanitized.
Boo!
Enjoy baby-proofing
the apartment,
and we'll be downstairs
dull-proofing our lives.
Wow. Ben,
I am so impressed.
Do not need to tell
me anything twice.
( Giggles ) Then this
should take no time at all.
And we'll be able
to get to the
one-on-one portion
of the evening.
Isn't that what we--
Oh. Didn't realize
daddy had a playdate.
( Radio static ) This is the
Tom Man at home base-- over.
( Static )
Come in sector 21.
( Imitates radio static )
This is Bonnie in security.
Come in, fatpants.
( Imitates static )
( Imitates static )
Hey there, Bonnie.
Looks like we're
gonna be cellmates.
I call top bunk!
- ( Imitates static )
- Guess there was
a two-for-one sale
on wisenheimers.
You two ladies
wanna tamp it down?
( Valley girl accent )
Please don't call my mom.
She will totally
freak out.
And if she grounds me,
I'm gonna miss prom.
And I think that David
and I might actually...
Do it.
- ( Imitates accent ) Shut up.
- You shut up.
The two of you
shut up.
You two should take
this act on the road.
Oh! But you can't.
Because where I come from,
using an innocent
little baby to steal
a diamond watch
is what we like to call
a felony.
Where did that come from?
We didn't put that in there.
Tell it to your
parole officer, sister!
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to get
the proper paperwork.
Oh my God! A felony?
I could lose
my internship.
I could get disbarred
before I'm even barred.
How could you
do this to me?
Oh, you actually think
I stole a watch
and shoved it
into Emma's stroller?
How should I know?!
You're a crazy person.
If I do become a lawyer,
the first thing
I'm gonna do
is sue you.
( "Star spangled banner" playing)
- ♪ And the home...
♪ ...of the brave!
Both: Whoo! Yeah!
( Grunting )
You think Ben's enjoying
his "boring and me" date?
- ( Scoffs )
- ( Mockingly ) What do you think
is better--
baby oil or baby powder?
( Seriously ) Oh well, I
personally like the oil the best
because it leaves
my skin blemish-free
and just all over--
Come on!
Somebody hit somebody!
Okay, rule #1:
No baby talk
in the man cave.
- ( Monitor static )
- Ben: Baby daddy to man cave,
baby daddy to man cave.
Come in, man cave.
I think we have
a situation up here.
I repeat--
we may have a mommy-gone-wild
situation up here.
- That's good, right?
- No, it's not.
Well, it could be.
I don't know.
I guess I could go
for a little extra credit.
Ben, what are you
doing out there?
I gotta go. Wait--
what's happening
- with the fight?
- Tucker and Danny: Whoa! Whoa! Yeah!
What?!
- ( Frustrated groan )
- ( Monitor clicks )
Sorry about that.
Part of the neighborhood
watch program.
It was my turn to watch.
This chicken is delicious.
And the-- oh!
This wine--
it tastes like...
Freedom.
It is just so good
to get out of the house.
Five hours a month
is all I have to myself
and I am going
to squeeze
every last
second out of
every one of them.
Okay well,
here's to freedom.
- Oh!
- And maybe a quick squeeze.
( Chuckles )
Do you have any idea
what this means?
Yeah. We're paying
retail from now on.
Mrs. Wheeler,
you have ruined my life!
Okay, let's calm down.
We can't turn on each other.
- That's what they want.
- Oh-ho, I'll sing.
I'll tell them everything.
Obviously, Emma just
grabbed it.
She's at that stage.
All right, listen--
when walkie-talkie Tommy
gets back in here,
just use your powers
of persuasion
and get us out
of this.
Well, I have picked up
a few legal moves.
I meant use
your skinny little butt
and shake what
weight watchers gave you.
Huh? Huh? Huh?
That is called entrapment.
Or solicitation,
or something...
( Mumbles )
Intercoast--
Oh wow,
you are good at this.
All right, here.
Fine, I will do it.
Okay.
Huh, yeah, okay.
Ah, okay.
Oh my God,
we're so going to prison.
Huh?
- What's this?
- Shh.
20 bucks and a coffee
card with at least
five freebies
still on it.
I don't drink coffee.
And that's bribery.
Oh! That's what it was.
You know the worst part
about Mommy and Me?
The mommies.
"Oh Izzy,
what should I do?
Izzy, what's
wrong with my baby?"
How the hell should I know?
It's a baby.
Well, isn't that
kind of your job?
- ( Monitor static ) - Tucker:
Man cave to baby daddy.
What's that?
Oh, it's the baby monitor.
( Scoffs ) Picks up a
lot of weird stuff.
Like yesterday,
I picked up a telenovela.
I don't know what Ramona
was saying to Jorge,
but she was pissed.
Danny:
Man cave to baby daddy.
I should just put it away.
And I am gonna go
freshen up
because I still have
three and a half hours
worth of living to do.
( Door closes )
Come in, man cave.
What's going on?
Tucker and Danny: Whoa!
What? What just happened?
- Danny: Oh! And he's down!
- Tucker: Oh my God!
- Who's down?!
- ( Monitor clicks )
Izzy, I'll be right back!
I just need run next door to borrow...
Something I don't
have here.
Hey! What do you say
we go out dancing?
Ben?
- No no no no, get up.
- Come on. Go.
- What did I miss?
- ( Bell rings )
( Cheering )
Truly saved by the bell!
You just missed
the most incredible round.
( Groans )
Okay well, remember
everything.
I don't know if I can
get back down here.
What's with the door?
Don't close it
all the way.
It'll lock
from the outside.
( Bangs on door )
Welcome to Mantopia.
Dude, I thought
we settled on Brotown.
Help! Anyone...
What are we gonna do?
How are we gonna get
out of here?
I don't care,
but your girly whining
is upsetting the level
of manhood in here.
I could spend
the rest of my life
in this room.
( Chuckles )
Uh-oh, cable's out.
Oh my God!
We're gonna die in here!
Oh no!
They will never find us!
You cannot eat me first.
And according
to statute 189--
or perhaps 237--
of the bylaws
of this state,
you are prohibited
from holding us
for more than 48 hours.
Oh great, so that's...
46 hours and 20 minutes
to go.
And I've got no plans.
Well, color me shocked.
Hey! I have dedicated my life
to protecting this mall.
I did not pick this job.
The job picked me.
Look, charge us
or let us go.
Either way, I'm gonna need
to get my parking validated.
I'll just walkie
the cops, hmm?
They'll get your
real name, Siegfried.
Wait-- my walkie.
- Where is it?
- Don't panic.
You had it with you when you
ran out to that staff meeting.
Right! The men's room.
You two don't move!
Lock it down, people!
I'm off walkie!
I repeat--
I am off walkie!
( Whining )
No no no.
We're locked in.
What are we gonna do?
Bam!
And bam!
Let's go, Siegfried.
- I'm springing you.
- Yes!
I'm in!
Now go!
Crawl for help,
little buddy.
I can't believe
what an idiot I am.
- I can.
- Me too.
I ruined Emma's chances.
I just wanted to do something
great for her.
Ben, you do something
great for Emma
every time you
look at her and say,
"hi, baby.
It's me, Daddy."
- You really think so?
- I do.
I'm sorry I called
you selfish.
It's cool.
I ignored you.
What about you, Tuck?
Will you forgive me?
I'm not budging.
Why do you have
to be so difficult, Tucker?
- I just apologized.
- Tucker: No.
I'm not moving.
I am stuck.
Get me out of here!
Ben really knows how
to show 'em a good time,
doesn't he?
Shh.
( Mimicking baby crying )
I'm up!
Jordan, it's ok!
Mommy's coming.
Oh, give it a rest,
super mom.
Hi, Bonnie Wheeler,
real mom,
and my nondescript
sidekick.
I'm sorry.
I guess I fell asleep.
What's the dealio
with you?
Why are you trying to make
the rest of us look bad?
I'm not. I'm just trying
to make everything perfect.
How's that working
for you?
Look, I've raised
two boys,
and I'm here
to tell you that
there is no such thing
as perfect.
They might be small,
but a baby can take
you down.
Getting through the day
in one piece--
that, my friend,
is job done.
I know.
( Sighs )
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I try and I try,
but all I want to do
- is take a nap.
- Yeah, I know.
A really really long nap.
This kid is sucking
the life out of me.
Oh, I feel you, lizzy.
- Izzy.
- Whatever.
Not that anybody
seems to care,
but, um, where's Ben?
Tucker:
Help! Can anybody hear me?
We're stuck
in the laundry room.
I guess one
of us should go.
Tucker: Anyone! We're desperate!
And I really need
to use the bathroom.
We're saved!
Izzy, it's not
how it looks.
Looks like you're hiding
out in a laundry room
drinking beer while your
friend is stuck in a vent.
- Hey, Tuck.
- Oh hey, girl.
Look, I'm sorry,
but clearly Emma and I
aren't ready for your class.
I just don't have it
together like you do.
She passed out
on your couch.
Thanks.
I kinda owe you
an apology.
I just wanted a night off
with a cool guy.
I didn't know
how else to do it.
So the approval process?
Don't really have one.
What a coincidence--
neither do I.
( Laughing )
So maybe
we can start over.
I would like that
very much.
- Chip?
- Aw yes. Starving.
- Who's winning?
- Hey, can I get a beer?
- Yeah, here.
- Thanks.
Mm, yeah.
Tucker:
Still here.
A little help
here, please. Okay.
Oh yeah!
Oh. ( Chuckles )
Okay. Don't act like
y'all can't hear me.
Hey, I made that dip!
I've got it. Quit yapping at me,
Play nice, Danny.
Or at least give him a step ladder.
Okay, people.
I need a clean shirt and a clean baby,
not necessarily in that order.
Emma, you ready for
your first playdate?
Okay now. Remember, Emma,
what we talked about.
Just because
he buys you formula
doesn't mean you need
to share your toys.
She's actually pretty smitten with
her new little friend Jordan.
Well, she's also having
an affair with her thumb,
so I wouldn't be picking
out china just yet.
Honey, I think
it's so cute that you
joined a Mommy and Me class.
Room full of hot mommies?
- Yeah, he's selfless.
- ( Scoffs )
This is about Emma, okay?
Jordan's mom Isabelle
is amazing.
People actually call her
the "mommy whisperer."
Funny.
That used to be
your father's nickname.
She runs
the whole program.
There's a huge waiting list
for her class.
But, using a little
of the patented Wheeler charm,
Emma and I have jumped
to the front of the list.
We pass our playdate audition
today, and we're in.
- ( Music from TV playing )
- We're in! Yes!
- Finally!
- Whoo! Yes!
Today is gonna be
all about yelling,
swearing and full-on
body blows.
( Mouths )
Sounds like
my wedding night.
Boxing. It's the
pay-per-view fight
- of the decade.
- Yup.
And watching it
is how we stay manly.
Ohh.
Yeah, okay,
that should do it.
Oh! It's okay, Emma.
Here we go.
Three-second rule.
No! No-second rule.
Izzy said
that's a myth.
Do you have any idea
what kind of germs
you're exposing her to?
Honey, when I was
raising you boys,
it was a three-day rule.
If you kept it down,
it was safe.
If you didn't--
well, that's why we had a dog.
Well, Izzy has this
simple list of rules
that every parent
needs to follow.
It's amazing how much
I don't know.
We're all amazed
at that, honey.
And I've got
a list too.
Chips, beer,
salsa, guacamole
- and you be home by 8:00.
- ( Mouths )
Please.
I'm so on it.
And I'm so late.
The first thing
on Izzy's list:
Be prepared
for everything.
The second thing
on the list:
Don't forget
the baby.
( Theme music playing )
♪ It's amazing
how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life
and change directions. ♪
So maybe not
the best day for the park.
- If you need to dry off--
- We're good.
Rain or shine,
we're always prepared.
Make yourself comfortable,
while we recycle our raincoats.
It smells very...
( Inhales )
Male.
On behalf of the three men
who live here,
thank you.
Look, we're sorta new
on the whole
baby-dating scene,
so I'm not really sure
what comes next.
A little peek-a-boo.
Maybe some spin-the-bottle.
That's hilarious.
But it's almost time
for Jordan's nap
and I can't imagine
putting him down
anywhere here,
so we should...
Probably be going.
No no no no.
Please don't.
I know we're
probably not up
to your usual standards.
And the place could use
a touch more...
- Baby-proofing.
- "A touch?"
She says, looking
at a giant dartboard
and 75 choking hazards.
Ben, I'm sorry.
I just don't know
if you're taking your role
as a parent seriously enough.
And that's why we need
to be in your class.
We're tired of being
pathetic "Befores."
( Exaggerated sigh )
We wanna be
happy "Afters."
( Laughs )
We need to be
Izzied.
Yay, Izzy!
( Giggles )
I guess I could do
a private home intensive.
A one-on-one where we go through
everything in the place.
Yes! Thank you.
Maybe we could
do it over dinner.
My mom's got
Jordan tonight,
which just means
dohe'll probably know
how to mix a Martini
before he's two.
Tonight?
As in this evening?
Hours from now?
It's really
the only time I have.
And there's no way
that I could let
the two of you
into my class.
Then tonight it is!
But I'm just
letting you know,
I'm a really fast learner,
so get ready to put
the baby pedal
to the daddy metal.
( Chuckles )
I have no idea
what that means.
Ben, honey, there is
such a thing as being
too protective.
Did I pick you up
every time you cried? No.
Did I feed you
every time you were hungry?
No.
Did I fix those
frayed wires
behind the TV?
I mean, what am I?
An electrician?
Come on, Ben,
you turned out--
well, you are still here.
I feel so coddled.
Well, you should,
since I'm making dinner
for you and lady goo-goo.
Hey, that's organic
chicken, right?
She only eats organic.
Yeah, right.
Like I'm going to spend
40 bucks on a breast
of chicken.
I don't spend that much
per cup on a bra.
Mom! This is important.
Honey, your brother is 6'5"
and he grew up
eating dirt.
( Door opens )
I did it!
I got the job.
You are looking
at the newest employee
of Bender, Bowman, Brockman
and some guy whose name
I can't pronounce.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Wow. That's a really
long name for a strip club.
It's a law firm
and I start my internship
on Monday.
Well, then you better
find the rest of that skirt
before then because
I can kinda see
your tonsils.
This is the most
conservative thing I have.
Well, Emma and I are
heading to the outlet mall
for their monthly
madness sale.
It's 40% off
of 40% off.
Which I think means,
they pay you.
Well, I actually could use
a couple of new suits.
Here's something
I'm gonna regret.
Mrs. Wheeler,
will you take
me shopping?
Absolutely.
I can always use
somebody to block
those perfume ladies.
Those bitches are tough.
But we should probably get
going before the fight starts.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot the fight
of the decade is tonight.
No. I mean the one
Ben's gonna be getting into
with the boys when they find
out that he's ditching them
for dizzy.
- Izzy.
- Whatever.
Hey, it's for Emma.
They'll understand.
I don't understand!
Do you not see
that we've instituted
- a leave-no-chip-behind policy?
- Yeah.
You cannot pull the plug.
I'm making my famous
five-layer bean dip.
I thought we were
doing my onion dip.
Well, maybe we can try
something different.
Guys!
I'm really sorry,
but you'll have to find
somewhere else
to watch the fight.
We all have to make
some sacrifices.
Oh, I know exactly
who I'm sacrificing.
Yeah, we wanna watch
the fight in our home
with our stuff
on our television!
Yeah, this is
unacceptable behavior.
We are so revoking
your bro card.
Well, feel free
to put it in this box
with the rest of
your non-baby-friendly crap
and dump it
in the storage cage.
I've got important
Mommy and Me business.
( Door shuts )
Does he even hear
how weak that sounds?
( Ben shouts )
Yes, he does!
You were amazing.
The way you just ripped that
shirt right out of her hands.
That's why they
call it a tag sale.
I tagged her right
on her ass--
just ka-blam!
Excuse me. Ladies.
Normally I
would buy cookies
from your troop, sir,
but I just dropped
a boatload of cash--
let's cut the chatter.
I got a 942 in progress.
Follow me, please.
I'm sorry,
is there a problem?
Yeah. You're under arrest.
Let's fall
in line, blondies.
Dude, I can't believe
you didn't have enough room
in your storage cage
for some boxes.
You gotta get rid
of some of that crap.
Dude, I can't help it.
All that furniture
belonged to my nana.
And I had my first kiss
on that couch.
Could we please
just dump these
and find a place
to watch the fight?
- Okay.
- ( Sighs )
Wait!
Is that a cable outlet?
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Yeah.
We need to find a place
to watch the fight.
- Both: Oh!
- Yeah.
Guys?
Where is everything?
I believe
the laundry room
is officially
back in order.
Who needs Ben?
More importantly,
who needs beer? Okay.
This guy.
( Playfully groans )
( Laughs ) Mmm.
Okay, water boiled for pasta-- check.
Salad in a bag I'll pretend
I made myself-- check.
Sweating through
my nice shirt-- double check.
Okay, now what?
Cut the chicken
into bite-sized pieces.
Right.
( Tucker laughing )
Where have you guys been?
I've been calling you
for over an hour.
No reception
in the man cave.
The where?
It doesn't matter.
Thank you for getting
on board with this.
I say onion and bean.
- I say I love you.
- ( Chuckles )
I'll text you as soon
as Izzy's gone
and you can bring back
the TV
and my bro card.
We're good.
Maybe you can catch
the fight down
at the bar.
Oh, is that where
you're watching it?
Nope.
So you're not
gonna tell me where?
Don't see
why we should.
Not really something
you seem interested in.
Really? Could you
be more childish?
( Whining )
Please.
Laundry room.
It's so cool!
What is the point
in having a No-Ben club
- when you invite Ben?
- ( Door opens )
- Knock knock.
- Izzy, hey.
Just take this
baby monitor
and let me know if
anything big happens.
Thank you for coming.
My brother and my roommate,
both giant supporters.
- Hi.
- Oh, I actually just sanitized.
Boo!
Enjoy baby-proofing
the apartment,
and we'll be downstairs
dull-proofing our lives.
Wow. Ben,
I am so impressed.
Do not need to tell
me anything twice.
( Giggles ) Then this
should take no time at all.
And we'll be able
to get to the
one-on-one portion
of the evening.
Isn't that what we--
Oh. Didn't realize
daddy had a playdate.
( Radio static ) This is the
Tom Man at home base-- over.
( Static )
Come in sector 21.
( Imitates radio static )
This is Bonnie in security.
Come in, fatpants.
( Imitates static )
( Imitates static )
Hey there, Bonnie.
Looks like we're
gonna be cellmates.
I call top bunk!
- ( Imitates static )
- Guess there was
a two-for-one sale
on wisenheimers.
You two ladies
wanna tamp it down?
( Valley girl accent )
Please don't call my mom.
She will totally
freak out.
And if she grounds me,
I'm gonna miss prom.
And I think that David
and I might actually...
Do it.
- ( Imitates accent ) Shut up.
- You shut up.
The two of you
shut up.
You two should take
this act on the road.
Oh! But you can't.
Because where I come from,
using an innocent
little baby to steal
a diamond watch
is what we like to call
a felony.
Where did that come from?
We didn't put that in there.
Tell it to your
parole officer, sister!
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to get
the proper paperwork.
Oh my God! A felony?
I could lose
my internship.
I could get disbarred
before I'm even barred.
How could you
do this to me?
Oh, you actually think
I stole a watch
and shoved it
into Emma's stroller?
How should I know?!
You're a crazy person.
If I do become a lawyer,
the first thing
I'm gonna do
is sue you.
( "Star spangled banner" playing)
- ♪ And the home...
♪ ...of the brave!
Both: Whoo! Yeah!
( Grunting )
You think Ben's enjoying
his "boring and me" date?
- ( Scoffs )
- ( Mockingly ) What do you think
is better--
baby oil or baby powder?
( Seriously ) Oh well, I
personally like the oil the best
because it leaves
my skin blemish-free
and just all over--
Come on!
Somebody hit somebody!
Okay, rule #1:
No baby talk
in the man cave.
- ( Monitor static )
- Ben: Baby daddy to man cave,
baby daddy to man cave.
Come in, man cave.
I think we have
a situation up here.
I repeat--
we may have a mommy-gone-wild
situation up here.
- That's good, right?
- No, it's not.
Well, it could be.
I don't know.
I guess I could go
for a little extra credit.
Ben, what are you
doing out there?
I gotta go. Wait--
what's happening
- with the fight?
- Tucker and Danny: Whoa! Whoa! Yeah!
What?!
- ( Frustrated groan )
- ( Monitor clicks )
Sorry about that.
Part of the neighborhood
watch program.
It was my turn to watch.
This chicken is delicious.
And the-- oh!
This wine--
it tastes like...
Freedom.
It is just so good
to get out of the house.
Five hours a month
is all I have to myself
and I am going
to squeeze
every last
second out of
every one of them.
Okay well,
here's to freedom.
- Oh!
- And maybe a quick squeeze.
( Chuckles )
Do you have any idea
what this means?
Yeah. We're paying
retail from now on.
Mrs. Wheeler,
you have ruined my life!
Okay, let's calm down.
We can't turn on each other.
- That's what they want.
- Oh-ho, I'll sing.
I'll tell them everything.
Obviously, Emma just
grabbed it.
She's at that stage.
All right, listen--
when walkie-talkie Tommy
gets back in here,
just use your powers
of persuasion
and get us out
of this.
Well, I have picked up
a few legal moves.
I meant use
your skinny little butt
and shake what
weight watchers gave you.
Huh? Huh? Huh?
That is called entrapment.
Or solicitation,
or something...
( Mumbles )
Intercoast--
Oh wow,
you are good at this.
All right, here.
Fine, I will do it.
Okay.
Huh, yeah, okay.
Ah, okay.
Oh my God,
we're so going to prison.
Huh?
- What's this?
- Shh.
20 bucks and a coffee
card with at least
five freebies
still on it.
I don't drink coffee.
And that's bribery.
Oh! That's what it was.
You know the worst part
about Mommy and Me?
The mommies.
"Oh Izzy,
what should I do?
Izzy, what's
wrong with my baby?"
How the hell should I know?
It's a baby.
Well, isn't that
kind of your job?
- ( Monitor static ) - Tucker:
Man cave to baby daddy.
What's that?
Oh, it's the baby monitor.
( Scoffs ) Picks up a
lot of weird stuff.
Like yesterday,
I picked up a telenovela.
I don't know what Ramona
was saying to Jorge,
but she was pissed.
Danny:
Man cave to baby daddy.
I should just put it away.
And I am gonna go
freshen up
because I still have
three and a half hours
worth of living to do.
( Door closes )
Come in, man cave.
What's going on?
Tucker and Danny: Whoa!
What? What just happened?
- Danny: Oh! And he's down!
- Tucker: Oh my God!
- Who's down?!
- ( Monitor clicks )
Izzy, I'll be right back!
I just need run next door to borrow...
Something I don't
have here.
Hey! What do you say
we go out dancing?
Ben?
- No no no no, get up.
- Come on. Go.
- What did I miss?
- ( Bell rings )
( Cheering )
Truly saved by the bell!
You just missed
the most incredible round.
( Groans )
Okay well, remember
everything.
I don't know if I can
get back down here.
What's with the door?
Don't close it
all the way.
It'll lock
from the outside.
( Bangs on door )
Welcome to Mantopia.
Dude, I thought
we settled on Brotown.
Help! Anyone...
What are we gonna do?
How are we gonna get
out of here?
I don't care,
but your girly whining
is upsetting the level
of manhood in here.
I could spend
the rest of my life
in this room.
( Chuckles )
Uh-oh, cable's out.
Oh my God!
We're gonna die in here!
Oh no!
They will never find us!
You cannot eat me first.
And according
to statute 189--
or perhaps 237--
of the bylaws
of this state,
you are prohibited
from holding us
for more than 48 hours.
Oh great, so that's...
46 hours and 20 minutes
to go.
And I've got no plans.
Well, color me shocked.
Hey! I have dedicated my life
to protecting this mall.
I did not pick this job.
The job picked me.
Look, charge us
or let us go.
Either way, I'm gonna need
to get my parking validated.
I'll just walkie
the cops, hmm?
They'll get your
real name, Siegfried.
Wait-- my walkie.
- Where is it?
- Don't panic.
You had it with you when you
ran out to that staff meeting.
Right! The men's room.
You two don't move!
Lock it down, people!
I'm off walkie!
I repeat--
I am off walkie!
( Whining )
No no no.
We're locked in.
What are we gonna do?
Bam!
And bam!
Let's go, Siegfried.
- I'm springing you.
- Yes!
I'm in!
Now go!
Crawl for help,
little buddy.
I can't believe
what an idiot I am.
- I can.
- Me too.
I ruined Emma's chances.
I just wanted to do something
great for her.
Ben, you do something
great for Emma
every time you
look at her and say,
"hi, baby.
It's me, Daddy."
- You really think so?
- I do.
I'm sorry I called
you selfish.
It's cool.
I ignored you.
What about you, Tuck?
Will you forgive me?
I'm not budging.
Why do you have
to be so difficult, Tucker?
- I just apologized.
- Tucker: No.
I'm not moving.
I am stuck.
Get me out of here!
Ben really knows how
to show 'em a good time,
doesn't he?
Shh.
( Mimicking baby crying )
I'm up!
Jordan, it's ok!
Mommy's coming.
Oh, give it a rest,
super mom.
Hi, Bonnie Wheeler,
real mom,
and my nondescript
sidekick.
I'm sorry.
I guess I fell asleep.
What's the dealio
with you?
Why are you trying to make
the rest of us look bad?
I'm not. I'm just trying
to make everything perfect.
How's that working
for you?
Look, I've raised
two boys,
and I'm here
to tell you that
there is no such thing
as perfect.
They might be small,
but a baby can take
you down.
Getting through the day
in one piece--
that, my friend,
is job done.
I know.
( Sighs )
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I try and I try,
but all I want to do
- is take a nap.
- Yeah, I know.
A really really long nap.
This kid is sucking
the life out of me.
Oh, I feel you, lizzy.
- Izzy.
- Whatever.
Not that anybody
seems to care,
but, um, where's Ben?
Tucker:
Help! Can anybody hear me?
We're stuck
in the laundry room.
I guess one
of us should go.
Tucker: Anyone! We're desperate!
And I really need
to use the bathroom.
We're saved!
Izzy, it's not
how it looks.
Looks like you're hiding
out in a laundry room
drinking beer while your
friend is stuck in a vent.
- Hey, Tuck.
- Oh hey, girl.
Look, I'm sorry,
but clearly Emma and I
aren't ready for your class.
I just don't have it
together like you do.
She passed out
on your couch.
Thanks.
I kinda owe you
an apology.
I just wanted a night off
with a cool guy.
I didn't know
how else to do it.
So the approval process?
Don't really have one.
What a coincidence--
neither do I.
( Laughing )
So maybe
we can start over.
I would like that
very much.
- Chip?
- Aw yes. Starving.
- Who's winning?
- Hey, can I get a beer?
- Yeah, here.
- Thanks.
Mm, yeah.
Tucker:
Still here.
A little help
here, please. Okay.
Oh yeah!
Oh. ( Chuckles )
Okay. Don't act like
y'all can't hear me.
Hey, I made that dip!