Baby Daddy (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - Guys, Interrupted - full transcript

- Oh, man. Come on.
- I'm telling you, leaving Mom alone

in our apartment every
afternoon is a bad idea.

Well, until you teach Emma
to order in Chinese,

somebody's
got to feed her.

Don't worry, you won't
even know Mom was here.

Too late.
Yesterday, she found time

to go through my nightstand and
tidy up my protection center.

Your mom organized
your love drawer?

Mom has this thing
about boundaries.

She has none.

So, Captain Action,



How much longer
do you think

your new lady friend
is gonna be in the shower?

Okay, if I'm late, Vanessa
will have my head in a jar.

Really?
Just your head?

I thought the plan was
to break up with Vanessa?

I tried.

Not using
actual words, but...

Man, I did think it
really hard though.

Mom also baby-proofed
all the cabinets.

I'm telling you--
bad idea.

But we need her
to watch Emma,

so we're gonna have to
make some adjustments.

Good morning.

Oh, like remembering
to wear pants.



So how did my baby sleep?

Pretty good.

I meant Emma.

How did
she get in here?

Oh, thanks
for the key, honey.

It's gonna make this
so much easier.

You gave her a key?

She gave me life.

But yeah, I probably shouldn't
have done that. - No.

♪ It's amazing how
the unexpected ♪

♪ can take your life
and change directions. ♪

What is the matter
with you?

You can't give Mom
a key to our apartment.

That means she can
whenever she wants

and do whatever--
Mom, where you going?

- To wash my hands.
- Oh, use the kitchen.

Why? What's wrong
with the bathroom?

We're having some trouble
with the door, it's stuck.

Mom, you're not supposed to be
here for another five hours.

Oh, I know.
I'm sorry,

but Emma and I had
so much fun yesterday,

that I signed us up
for a "Grandma and Me" class.

Well, actually
it's a "Mommy and Me" class,

but come on,
I mean, huh, aah.

And today it is

ballerina tutu day.

Oh, this just
reminds me

of how badly
I wanted a little girl.

Mm. I swear, I must
have cried for two days

after I saw your penis
on the ultrasound.

Really has
no boundaries.

Granted, you really
had to look for it,

but once I found it,
you know, it's...

Still working
on the door.

Maybe I'll just go
hose off out back.

Okay.

- You know, Mom...
- Oh.

...the mornings are kind of
my only time with Emma.

I told her that we were
gonna go to the park and--

Well, honey,
she's a baby.

She doesn't even know
what a park is.

Mom.

You don't have
to say it.

You're welcome.

I just know
if we all pull together,

we will do right
by that little girl.

Now where is

my little pumpkin?

Oh, and, Danny?

Let that poor woman
out of the bathroom.

I think Emma's
a little young

to see her first
Booty call.

And here's another good thing
about having Mom watch Emma--

more bro time.

Get the key.

Who's the nozzle
talking to Riley?

Law school buddy.

They've been hitting
the books pretty hard lately.

Looks like he's interested in
hitting more than the books.

You think?

Well, good for
Riley, right?

Wrong.

Thank you, counselor.

I look forward
to our next sidebar.

I wouldn't
object to that.

Ooh.

Oh, hey, Danny.

Hey.

Uh, you just missed
my friend, Jack.

I've been
tutoring him.

In what?

Blushing, flirting,

hair flipping?

Okay. It's a lot
harder than it looks.

He's kind of cute,
right?

That isn't really the kind
of guy you like, is it?

Fancy-ass lawyer
wannabe?

Well, since
smooth-talking bartenders

don't really seem
to be interested--

yeah, I'm looking
elsewhere.

Then maybe you
should keep looking.

Why do you care
if I like Jack?

I don't care.

Why would I care?

But maybe someone
else cares.

And what kind of message
is that to send them?

Those people
who care.

Okay. Well, I'll, uh,

keep that in mind.
Thanks.

Would any of those

people who care

happen to be
in this bar?

Maybe.

So you're saying
that this person

might actually
be interested?

He might be.

So I should stop
flirting with Jack?

That one's
a definite yes.

Message received.
Thank you, Danny.

- Oh, hey, Tuck.
- Oh, hey.

How long
were you there?

Long enough.

Okay. So...

I'm curious.

See, I'm pretty sure

that Ben's not
really into Riley,

so I wonder
who at this bar is?

It could be anyone.

Anyone?

- Quit smiling.
- Oh, I don't think

I'm ever going
to quit smiling.

Really? Again?

You know,
you might have

a better shot
with Riley

if you didn't offer
free showers

to every girl
on the Lower East Side.

For the 100th time,
I don't like Riley.

And whoever's in there,
she isn't mine.

Who's got Emma?

Good morning.

Oh! Pajamas--
got to get me some.

- Did you spend the night?
- Oh, don't be silly.

I just know how early
Emma wakes up,

so I thought you might
like to sleep in.

Oh, and the drain's
a little backed up.

Sorry. I think some of my
extensions might have come out.

Oh, well, I better go
pull them out of the drain

before Ben gives
them a key, too.

And I'm late for the rink.
Coach wants me to practice

- some of my key moves.
- Subtle.

So, Mom, you're here
awfully early.

- Again.
- Well, I have to be.

You've seen the line
for this shower.

Well, I really
didn't get to see her

before she went
to bed last night and--

isn't it great
she's on a schedule?

Oh, terrific.

But since I work
in the afternoons,

when you
oh so graciously offered

to watch her for that oh
so brief window of time,

I assumed I'd see her
in the mornings.

And now you've got
your mornings free.

Oh! How I wish
I had a me

when I was
raising you. Oh.

And I wish I had a you
that could take a hint.

Did you say
something, honey?

- Oh, no, Mom. No.
- Okay.

And finally my day
gets a little brighter.

Oh, thank you.

- Is something wrong?
- No, just my mom.

- Are you meeting Jack?
- No. Why?

Oh, you look
a little dressed up.

Three hours
every other afternoon,

that's all I needed.

Do you think that
I'm going out with Jack?

- Because I'm not.
- Oh, too bad.

I have her a key, and now
she's practically moved in.

- Why too bad?
- Oh, I just thought you guys looked good together.

And I never get
to see Emma.

So you're saying
I should go out with Jack?

Why not?
That's what I told Danny.

That's what
you told Danny?

Yeah, but I can't
talk to her.

I've never been able
to talk to her.

But I have no choice.
I just have to

sit her down and lay out
some boundaries, right?

Not right.
Why would he do that?

- Who?
- Danny.

I meant my mom.

So do you think I should
talk to her tonight?

You can't.
She has book club.

Yes, my palms are
starting to sweat.

So just so we're clear,
you have no issues

with me throwing myself
at Jack?

Actually sounds like
a pretty good idea.

Most guys are
fairly clueless.

Yeah.

I'm getting that.

Hey, look, I know the last few
days have been a little rough,

so I hope this free pony
keg from the beer guy

and some slightly-expired meat
from the bar kitchen

will let you know
how truly sorry I am.

Hey, I'm just glad
you got rid of Mom.

Wish I could have heard that go down.

You did talk to her,
right?

How good do
those steaks smell?

Like they're trying
to change thsubject.

Well...

I can't believe
you can't stand up

to your own mother.

Oh, g-- can
we not go five minutes

without talking?

Hey, Vanessa.

Oh, I miss you, too.

Tucker's right, bro.

Does that minivan
look familiar to you?

Mom! Go!

- Oh!
- Okay.

Ah!

- Get the bag!
- Okay. Right.

Emma!

Look what your grandma
brought you.

It's a bunny the size
of your daddy's roommate.

- Hi.
- Oh, thank God you're home.

No phone, no wallet-- we
really had nowhere else to go.

What's going on?
Is everything okay?

No. Mom showed up again.

She's got to learn
that she can't

just barge in unannounced
and ruin our evening.

Oh. So you're
teaching her a lesson

by barging in unannounced
and ruining my evening.

Exactly.
No, I mean...

It's not like
you had any plans, right?

Hey, what's with the wine?

And the candles?

And the cleavage?

Oh, hey.

Jack--
Jack Parker.

- I go to school with--
- And the man in your bathroom?

Jack, Danny.

Danny, Jack.
Jack, Ben.

Ben, Jack.
They're just old friends

who stopped by
to show off their new baby.

Yeah, you're such
a cute baby.

Okay, thanks
so much, bye.

- Bye.
- So you threw yourself

at him, after all, huh?

Glad to see you
took my advice.

You're welcome, counselor.

Don't pay attention
to anything

that Ben says,
because he's crazy.

New baby, doesn't get
a lot of sleep,

you know. Here.
Here, have some cheese.

Wine and cheese?
Are you coming on to me?

Stand by.

Did you hear that?
Hmm? Ben's advice?

Hey, man.
Really sorry for messing up

the obligatory
small talk portion

of the evening, but...

I just gotta
change a diaper.

And feed her.

Don't forget
we need to feed her.

Is that okay?

Fine.
Just be quick please.

You won't
even know we're here.

This is exactly
why I need to be here.

I'm gone
for two seconds,

and they've got Emma
out past her bedtime.

God knows where,
doing God knows what?

"Hi, Ben."

I'm trapped
with your mom.

Where are you?
I hate you.

"Call me."

Do you expect me to believe that
you don't know where they are?

Know how you can tell?
If I did, I'd be with them.

Well, until you dig up
some information,

it's just you, me
and the clock.

Tick, tock, Tucker.

Wow. Really wish
I could hang around,

but you know what?
I was just on the phone with Vanessa

before you got here--
which is totally true.

And, um, she said

she'd like me
to come on over, so--

haven't you broken up
with her yet?

- How do you know about--
- Oh, everyone knows.

Well, maybe
I'll do it tonight.

Let me give you
a little advice,

tuck-a-doodle-do.

All women
really want to hear

is the truth.
We can take it.

We're tough.
Look at me.

You can tell me
anything.

- I still don't know where they are.
- Oh!

As soon as she wakes up,
we're out of here, I swear.

Oh, well, what are we waiting for?
Wake her up.

How was I supposed to know
you were on a date?

Oh, I'm sorry. Next time
I'll put a sock on the door.

So, you and Riley--

what's that about?

Nothing yet,
but she's smart,

and funny.

And obviously
very attractive.

Well, you should have
seen her in high school.

She was ginormous.
Hey, Riles?

You got a copy
of your yearbook around here?

I don't think so.
What is the matter with you?

I'm just
checking him out

to make sure he's
good enough for you.

Well, how about
I do the inspection

and get back
to you?

Look.

I know you're terrified
of talking to your mom,

but just be honest.

Tell her the truth.

That's really all
any girl wants to hear.

I was kind of afraid
to tell you this,

but Emma threw up
on your comforter.

No-- no, V-Baby.

I'm just saying,
I think we need to talk.

Yeah. Okay.

No no no, I'm just--

no no.
We've just been really--

- if you could just let me speak--
- Oh, for the love of God,

give me that.
Vanessa, honey?

Hi, Bonnie Wheeler--
Ben and Danny's mom.

Real quick-- Tucker is
breaking up with you.

Bye-bye.

Done.

What did you ju--

Oh my God,
I can't believe you ju--

You did it.

I'm free.

That was amazing!

I know.

And who said
having you around

was a bad idea?

Oh, man.

I don't know, Tucker.

Who did?

You know, track isn't
a real sport, right?

Well, I've got a wall full of
ribbons that beg to differ.

Ribbons.
Do you keep them

next to your headbands
and scrunchies?

♪ Danny,
stop talking. ♪

I wish there was a way to find
out if she's still there.

There is--
go home.

No, that sounds
a little risky.

All right. Let me put this
for you another way--

get out of my apartment
and go talk to your mom.

You know, what, um.

- I should probably go.
- You don't even know our mom.

You know what, Jack?
That is a good idea. You should go.

Ouch. Don't know how much
clearer that could be.

Sorry it didn't work out
between you two.

I meant
I'm going with him.

So, uh, just lock the door

when you leave.
All right? Bye.

He seemed nice.

I can't believe that's all I had to do.

"Hey-yo, Vanessa.
It's over." Click.

"Don't call me
'cause I so won't

"be calling you." Click.

Did they really say

that they don't
want me around?

Who cares
what they said?

In my book
you are awesome.

Oh, it's Vanessa!

What have you
done, woman!

Look, I'm not here.

- Hey.
- Oh.

Hi, Riley.
Officer.

Your sons and Emma

are in my apartment
hiding out.

So maybe you can
settle this

so I can have
my place back?

They're hiding out?

From me?

Oh. Well, I think

they're about
to be found.

Care for a retrial,
counselor?

Permission to
approach the bench.

Mom, please. I can explain.

All right, go ahead.
No? Didn't think so.

Are you just giving keys to everyone now?
What are you doing?

Just trying out
the worst date ever.

Oh, look,
it's working.

Where were you guys?

Tucker? How long
have you been there?

Long enough.

I'll put Emma to bed,

and then you can
all return

to your regularly
scheduled depravity.

I can put her down.

Oh. Oh, right.

Don't need grandma's
help any more.

- I get it.
- No, Mom. That's not what I'm saying.

Then what are
you saying?

Ben, just tell
your mom how you feel.

Danny?

Tucker?

Oh, we're actually cool.

Okay, well,
this is going nowhere,

so, uh, let's try
something different.

All right,
gather around.

Okay. Well, this is
something we just learned

in our mediation class
for settling disputes.

I just need to find something
to use as a truth totem.

We didn't learn that
in mediation.

Okay, so I learned it
at fat camp.

- Fat camp?
- Told you.

All right.

This will be
our truth rattle.

Or not.

All right.
Um, so whoever's holding

the truth baby has
to tell the truth.

And since Ben
is conveniently

holding our totem,
Ben?

Oh, for crying out loud,
just spit it out.

You can tell me
anything.

You're overbearing
and rude,

and I want my key
and my baby back.

Wow.

No one was ever that
truthful at fat camp.

Mom, wait!

- Ow.
- Good.

What? First
you throw me out,

and now you lock me in?
Make up your mind, Ben.

Mom, please.

Look, I know
I should have

just told you the truth
from the beginning.

That you don't
want me around?

No, you don't understand.

We just need
some space.

We have our guy stuff
that we like to do.

Like sit around in your
underwear playing videogames

while strange women
flounce in and out?

So you do understand.

I'm annoyed because
everyone keeps forgetting

that this is
my apartment.

And would it
kill you to refill

- an ice cube tray?
- That all you got?

My big list is
in the other room.

Okay.
All right.

Come here.

Truth--
my friends are idiots

and I really wish

we could start
tonight over.

Not idiots,

just suspicious.

I truly don't
trust this guy.

Danny's right.
I lied.

I didn't really
need tutoring.

I just wanted to get
to know you better.

I kind of knew that.

Wait. He wasn't
holding the baby.

Mom, you know I couldn't
do this without you,

but I need to be
the one raising Emma.

I need help,
not a replacement.

Is that what
you think?

I never meant
to replace you.

I just came
to the city every day

and spent
every moment with Emma

and did all
the things with her

that you probably
wanted to do with her.

Basically
replacing you.

Yeah, that's what
I was doing.

Oh, Ben,
I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

We just need to set
some boundaries.

It was like in high school
when you had to learn

to knock before you came
into my room.

Well, you only gotta
walk in on that

10 or 12 times before
you learn your lesson.

I guess I should
give you this back.

You already made
a copy, didn't you?

Oh, my baby
knows me so well.

Really, Riley?

Get a room.

Believe me,
we are trying.

Finger tracks
in the peanut butter.

Toenails
on the floor.

Two words--

Hairy soap.

Okay.

- Can we be done?
- Oh yeah, sure. We can be done--

if you want to start
talking about Riley.

- Continue.
- Exactly. Okay.

Using towels
as bathmats,

using bathmats
as towels,

taking any of my shampoos,
conditioners,

ointments, lotions,
powders or pomades.

Okay? Muddy shoes.
Sweaty gym bags.

And never having
your own gum.

- Is that it?
- What do you think? No.