Baby Daddy (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - Married to the Job - full transcript

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( Theme music playing )

Well, I would have
invited the baby's mother,

but I never met her.

She was one of Ben's
more productive one night stands.

Okay, three words I never
want to hear again,

"that's so cute."

( Gasps )

Wasn't that cute?

Best shower ever.

Yeah, those five hours
just flew by.

There's not enough
football in the world



to erase
what just happened.

( Gasps )

Wait.

I almost forgot
my present.

So exciting!

There can't actually be more.

I mean, seriously, what are we
gonna do with a wipes warmer?

Oh, I was actually
gonna hold on to that.

Okay.

What? Oh, Emma's the only
one who can appreciate

the soothing comfort
of a warm towelette?

That does sound nice.

Don't worry.
Everything can be returned.

Finally, my little
princess has her carriage.



Isn't it perfect?

Hello, princess.

You said, "everything," right?

( Rock music playing )

( Theme music playing )

♪ It's amazing
how the unexpected ♪

♪ can take your life
and change direction. ♪

Okay, suddenly don't care that dad
never let me drive the convertible.

Ah, it's even got that
new stroller smell.

Oh-h, this thing
is so cool.

- Nice stroller.
- Hello...

And it just got
a whole lot cooler.

We just drove her
off the lot.

Looks fast.

Well, that depends on who's pushing it.
( Chuckles )

There's no way he's
recovering from that line.

Wait.

It's not over yet.

- Okay.
- I'll call you.

That boy's got
confidence.

Stroller
confidence.

Her name's Zoe.

Finally one for the "z"s.

This stroller is amazing.

Yeah, give me the keys.
I'm driving.

That is what I call a
very successful outing.

So why are
we "in-ing"?

We need to get
back on the street.

Dude, what's the rush?

Maybe you haven't noticed.

But I'm
a relationship magnet.

I enjoy casual.
I want casual.

But casual has not
wanted me.

Until now, okay?

This is my fun window, people.
Don't shut it.

( Scoffs ) Wow!
It even works by itself.

That one's mine.

Oh, crap! What's he doing here?

That's Henderson,
the owner.

My shift started
five minutes ago.

You don't know me.

Afternoon, sir.
Things can really pile up

if you don't
stay on top of them.

- Hey, Walker.
- Wheeler.

Whatever.
Have you seen McNeely?

Nope. Could be
in the break room.

Don't know, 'cause I've
never been in there.

Well, let me know
when you do.

I wanna talk to him about a
new management position.

Excuse me,
Mr. Henderson.

Oh, is my father here?

Call me "H."

Oh, you got it, H.

You can call me "W."
( Chuckles )

Or "B" for Ben.

But we're doing the last
name thing, so it's--

What do you want, Walker?

It's Wheel--
never mind.

About that new position, I like to think
of myself as management material.

I'm definitely a leader,
not a follower.

Unless you need
a follower.

And then I'll follow
your lead.

Look, I like you.
I really do.

You're fun, you're personable,
a little flirtatious.

Thank you?
( Weak chuckle )

All qualities I'm looking
for in a bartender.

But not in a manager.

You've got yourself
a dream job, kid.

Enjoy it.

So you'll think
about it?

Finally.
There's my little princess.

Mom, remember,

the school therapist said
you had to stop calling me that.

I thought Emma
was with you.

I got us
matching outfits.

She's out
with the guys.

Something wrong?

- No.
- Did something happen at work?

No, why?
I'm good.

Honey, you can't
hide things from me.

Chip my windshield,
I knew it.

Set the basement
on fire, I knew it.

Got a girl pregnant--

oh my God, you did not get a
girl pregnant again, did you?

Somebody get me
a banana and a condom!

No! I swear,
once is enough.

Do you think I could ever
be more than a bartender?

Honey, it wasn't
the community-college fairy

who left all those brochures
under your pillow.

Of course
you can do more.

You can be
whatever you want to be.

There's a manager
position open at work.

Okay, let's not
go crazy.

It's not just
about me any more.

It's Emma's
future too.

Well then,
you go back there

and don't take "no"
for an answer.

Unless there's a chance
he might fire you

from the job you already
have for being too pushy.

Then, you know what?
I'd just let it go.

- Thanks for the pep talk, Mom.
- Anytime, princess.

Hey, check it out.

Two different girls,
two different numbers.

Or as I like
to call it,

"hot guy problem."

( Laughs )
What? I don't know.

I got 11.

I'm new at this.

Savor it, because that might
have been your last ride.

- Mom's here.
- Now?

Wait? What are
we gonna do?

- No, I need this stroller.
- Relax, my little friend.

I'll handle Mom.
Take this.

All right, Emma.
Let's go get Daddy a promotion.

But let me do
the talking.

Come on.
And remember,

just follow
my lead.

- Okay.
- ( Elevator bell dings )

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey.

- Tucker sold your stroller!
- Oh my God, you tattletale!

What?!

Oh!

( Groaning )

Ah-ah.

Oh-oh, ah-ah-ah.

( Mutters )

- Riley!
- Hi.

Perfect. Can you watch
Emma for two seconds?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Ooh, sweet ride.

H. Hey,
what's happening?

It's me--
Wheeler Walker W,

your slightly
flirtatious barkeep.

Don't you ever
go home, Walker?

I have wives
I see less than you.

I was just thinking about our
conversation from earlier.

And I think you're wrong
and I'm right.

I mean-- I mean
I'm right for the job,

and you're wrong
not to consider me.

Hmm. Wow.
When I said this to my myself

in the bathroom mirror,
it was really smooth.

Look, I appreciate
the whole "eager kid" thing,

but I'm looking for someone a little more...
responsible.

And that's exactly
what I'm trying to be.

I've got a kid now
and I--

You've got a kid?

Yeah...

Her name's Emma.

And a hot young wife.

Yes.

Yes, I do...
Family man.

And there's nothing more
responsible than that.

You obviously don't know
a lot of family men.

Hi, I am so sorry
to interrupt.

But I've got
to hand her off.

I have an exam in an
hour, and right now,

she knows more about
immigration law than I do.

Little lady goes to law school
and she's running late.

Well, not running,
but she should be.

- Go go go.
- Law school, huh? Must be tough with the baby.

I was just saying how
great you are with Emma.

Okay, give her kiss.
Wave bye-bye.

- Aww, that is so sweet.
- See ya.

But Ben truly does
all the heavy lifting.

I mean, I'm barely
even helping out.

That is one impressive
wife you've got there.

Well, I don't call her
my better half for nothing.

Got a daughter
about her age.

Sadly, they have
nothing in common.

( Sighs )

I might have underestimated
you, Wheeler.

( Small gasp )
Oh my God.

That's the first time
you've said my name.

Let's have lunch tomorrow
and discuss that job.

Oh, and bring your lovely
little barrister with you.

If you can get
a woman like that,

there really must be something
about you I'm missing.

Again, thank you?

What was that about?

Two questions
for you:

What are you doing
tomorrow for lunch?

And...
Will you marry me?

Huh?

I am not pretending
to be your wife.

But I need you!

You're the glue
of my very flimsy lie.

Well, I can't tomorrow.
I'm having lunch with Jack.

- Jack?
- The guy I'm seeing.

In the real world.

Where I'm single
and not breastfeeding.

Okay, how's this?

Once Henderson hires me, we'll get
a quick- but-amicable divorce.

If only you had anything
I wanted half of.

I just want Emma to have a
father she can be proud of.

- ( Sighs )
- Please, you have to help me...

"Riley Wheeler."

I only wrote that in
my notebook every day.

I'm just working
on our backstory.

So you'll do it?

Oh, hell no!

This is going back.

Angry blonde with a baby
coming through, people.

Move it. Come on.
Move it, move it, move it.

Oh, hell no.

This is going back.

Yeah, I just love
being an uncle.

Although technically
I'm more of a friend.

I guess that makes me
a frunkle.

( Both chuckling )

Okay, frunkle.
Let's see that phone.

All right.
( Chuckles )

- Call me.
- Okay.

Impressive.

You seem to be getting
the hang of this.

You up for a little
challenge?

- I'm listening.
- We each take a block.

Whoever lands
the most numbers,

gets the stroller the
whole rest of the day.

Game on.
But I gotta warn you--

Tucker's in the zone.
( Chuckles )

Thanks for
the heads-up, frunkle.

I get this block.

Wait wait wait. You get the
yogurt shop and the nail salon?

Woo! Is it ever
hot out today!

Hey! Hey, man!
That is not fair!

Hey! I wanna
re-negotiate!

Okay, so we met
in high school,

you had a crazy
crush on me,

but were too shy because
of your weight problem.

Wait, I wasn't fat.
You were.

Not if you want
my help, I wasn't.

- ( Door opens )
- We tied!

Well, I had to cry
for two of the numbers.

But we tied.

Wait. You took out
the stroller?

Mom just put Emma
down 10 minutes ago.

Turns out the baby
part is optional.

You just say
she's asleep

and nobody
looks inside.

Okay, but Mom's
still here.

- Now.
- Again?

- Go!
- Oh my God.

Is that Tucker?

He went that way.

I don't know
which is more fun,

siccing Mom on tuck, or cruising
around with that stroller.

Ben, you gotta
get in on it.

Can't. I have
a wife now.

Wait.

How long were we gone?

We are pretending
to be married

so that he can get
a promotion.

Oh, which reminds me, I picked
this up on my way home.

Riley,

will you do me the honor
of being my wife?

( Breathless )
Sure. Yes.

I do.

Riley, are you sure
this is a good idea?

I'm fine!

So when did you first know
you were in love with me?

Um...

After we had sex.

Come on! You have
to paint a picture.

It has to be something
romantic, like--

Spring Break,
freshman year.

Down by
the reservoir.

You were wearing
a blue dress.

And the sun was setting so it
made it look like you had a halo.

Exactly. Something like
that, but not so sappy.

And the sunsets
were incredible.

Not that we ever left the room.
( Chuckles )

Well, Wheeler this has been
an excellent meeting.

- I think I can safely say--
- Hi there.

- Hey, didn't you--
- A-absolutely not!

Sorry, miss, but we're kind of in
the middle of a business meeting.

Take it down a notch, Wheeler.
This is my daughter Zoe.

Your daughter?
( Exhales )

Well, uh, so nice to meet you
for the first time ever.

Nice to meet you too.

Zoe, this is Ben and
his lovely wife Riley.

You should really
get to know each other.

- Oh, that would be--
- Impossible!

'Cause we're about to
head out, right, babe?

Oh, don't leave now.
There's nothing I'd like more than

to chat with you
and your wife.

As soon as
I freshen up.

Wow, where'd all
that iced tea go?

Oops! There it is.
I'll be right back.

Ready for a rematch?

You go.
I'm good.

You ever think you want
just one phone number?

Been there, done that.

These days
I'm shopping in bulk.

( Chuckles )

I'm talking about
one special number.

The kind that makes you want
to delete all the other ones.

Wait...

Is this about Riley?

Who you swear
you don't like?

No. I'm just saying, getting lots
of women to like you is easy.

It's getting one that's hard.
How do I do that?

Okay, so assuming
there is a special girl

whose name doesn't start with
"R" and end with "iley"...

Are you asking my advice
on how to get her?

Yeah. You're the
relationship magnet, right?

Magnetize me.

Fine. Look, if you really
want a relationship,

you gotta tell her
how you feel.

I mean maybe
she's into you too.

Then it's all sweet,
can't wait to see her,

send each other
fun little texts,

get comfortable
together,

maybe even
a little bored.

Until one day you realize
it's not even love any more,

but a horrible dance of pain
that will leave you both

damaged, empty shells
for years to come!

That sounds nice.

( Stammering ) I know this looks
horrible, but I'm not a cheater.

I'm just faking being married so
your dad will consider me for a job.

So you're a liar?

I'd probably go
with creative go-getter.

No worries.

Scamming my dad
is my favorite pastime.

So you won't
say anything?

Not a word.

So how about you
show me your resume?

That's not where I keep it.
( Nervous chuckle )

- Seriously?
- Riley, it's not what it looks like.

Really? Because it looks
like you abandoned me

to shove your tongue down
some stranger's throat.

Wrong! She was shoving
her tongue down my throat.

I was trying
to push it out.

Ben Wheeler, I hate you.

Okay Wheeler,
it's go time.

Take your best shot
and tell her how you feel.

No matter what
you can't turn back.

Danny?

What are you
doing here?

Can I use
your bathroom?

Your brother
is such a jerk.

If you ever see me
offering to help him again,

you have to promise
to stop me.

- I promise.
- ( Sighs ) Take this.

God, I can't believe Ben would
just take our fake relationship

and throw it all away.

Well, maybe it's time
for a real relationship.

You know, with a
real guy who's--

Not a gigantic tool.

- Go away, Ben.
- I'm so sorry.

That girl-- I hit on her a couple
days ago with the stroller.

Did not know she was
my boss's daughter.

When she came, and I went
after her to be like,

"hey, don't tell
your dad."

Then she went all psycho
and started kissing me.

I would never do something like that.
Danny, back me up here.

Oh, I think
you're doing great.

I don't even care
about the job any more.

All I care about
is you.

I'm listening.

You were so sweet
to help me.

Keep going.

Well, I'm gonna
tell Henderson

that he was right about
you and wrong about me.

You're never gonna
get that promotion.

No, but maybe
I'll get you back.

I'll take a real friend
over fake wife any day.

Or... we could go back
in there one more time.

Danny:
Wait.

This is the part where I'm
supposed to stop you.

Riley, stay strong.

Well...

I mean we already
made it this far.

At least if you get the job, I won't
feel like I totally wasted my time.

Well, Henderson does want
to have drinks tonight.

Okay, but this
is the last time.

All right,
I need my ring back.

Thank you, Riley.

I'll buy you coffee and
we can work on our story.

The one where you're a dork,
but I marry you anyway?

( Chuckles )

All right-- hand.
Thank you.

Ooh...
( Flirtatious chuckle )

What's up?

- Tucker?
- Mrs. Wheeler?

Oh, hell no!

Oh no no no!

- Oh yeah?
- Stop it!

You gonna run
from me?

- You're so fast!
- You're gonna run from me?!

So now that I've
conquered New York,

I'm taking the Henderson
brand national--

Chicago, Atlanta,

first stop Miami.
You ready for that, Wheeler?

Wait, are you
offering me the job?

Nothing's final,
but why don't you and Riles

fly down for the weekend and check it out?
It'll be fun.

Uh, this--
this weekend?

You know what? I don't think
I can make it down to Miami.

Are you sure about that?

We all know how much
you like hotel rooms.

Sounds like an offer we
can't refuse, huh, babe?

Riley?

I know this might not be the
best time to tell you this,

but you need to hear it
and I need to say it.

I'm in love with you and
I think we should be together.

Please say something.

Well, I guess the cat's
outta the bag.

Ben, I am so sorry
to do this to you,

but your brother
and I are in love.

- We are?
- You are?

I realize that Thanksgiving might
be a little awkward this year,

but I'm hoping that in time
you'll come to accept it.

You should really hire Ben.
The kid could use some good news.

- All right, let's go, babe.
- Wait!

Wow.

Same thing happened
with me and my first wife.

Only it was me walking out
the door with her sister.

- Riley?
- ( Chuckles ) You were brilliant!

"I'm in love with you"?
If this whole hockey thing doesn't work out,

you should totally
be an actor.

Because I swear for like two
seconds I actually believed you.

- Riley--
- You are so sweet to come to my rescue.

You promised you would
stop me and you did.

Thank you.

Mm.

Well, guess that finally
answers the question

of what it's like to be
married to Ben, huh?

( Phone rings )

Jack-- a guy who's
actually interested in me.

Maybe I'll see
what that's like

do you wanna come with?
Drinks are on me.

No, I'm good.

Okay. Thanks.

Man, I gotta work
on my go time.

- Where have you guys been?
- ( Door closes )

Tell him.

Fine. Ben, you are never gonna
believe what just happened.

- All right!
- I--

Ben, we need to return
the stroller.

( Flatly ) We're being
immature and selfish

and Emma deserves better.

( Mouthing words )

Can I go
to my room now?

( Grumbling ) And
remember-- to your grave.

Hey, Emma, Daddy really
missed you today.

Ohh.

Is everything okay?

I got the job.

( Gasps )
Oh, Benji!

I just knew
you could do it.

I turned it down.

What is the matter
with you?!

I couldn't do it.
It's too much travel.

And what's the point
of giving Emma everything,

if I'm not even here
to see her enjoy it?

There will be other jobs,
but there's only one you.

That we know of.

But I think you made
the right decision.

Thanks.

So...

What's the big secret
between you and Tucker?

I was sitting outside
having coffee

- and then Tucker comes up--
- That is not what happened!

- No no, huh-uh.
- Oh, you didn't?

You didn't go
"what's up"?

No, I did not!

Okay, I said,
"what's up?"

( Indistinct arguing )

That's right, Emma.

Grandma is gonna get her princess
her special carriage back.

Nice stroller.

Hello...

( Rock music playing )