Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Ultimate Mate - full transcript

"The jester,"

"anchors aweigh,"

"snaky tiger,"

- "lunch lady."
- Wow! He skates like he fights.

It's art, really.

All right folks, time for
"couple skate" competition,

where you and your partners
can show off your skills

and compete for big prizes.

Singles, you need to clear
the roller rink now.

Axe Cop, buddy, it's
"couples" skate,

don't embarrass yourself.



That means you, police
guy with the axe.

Ugh.

- Couples skate? That's gross!
- I hear you, man.

But you look like a
pretty confident guy.

Why don't you just
get a girlfriend?

No woman on Earth is
good enough for me.

Who said anything about Earth?
Check this out.

- It's an interplanetary dating site.
- That's dumb.

It's pretty scientific, actually.
Uses love algorithms and whatnot.

And next week's prize is the
ultimate space trampoline.

What?! Wexter!

Whoa! Axe Cop! What gives?

I'm going on the internet
to find a girlfriend

so I can win the ultimate
space trampoline!



Two large containers
of gummy worms,

just like we agreed on.

Soon Axe Cop will find
the perfect girlfriend

and fall right into our trap.

One day, at the
scene of the fire

the cop found the perfect axe.

That was the day
he became Axe Cop!

I need a partner now.

So he had tryouts and
hired a partner.

My name is Flute Cop.

Let's go inside a
mouse's imagination!

I will chop your heads off!

You realize most
chicks aren't cool

with the gone-all-day-and-night
fighting-crime thing, right?

But you know who is?

Your best friend! Yeah,
you're looking at him!

You gotta stick with me, man.

I'm not listening to you. I need
to be in a couple so I can win

the ultimate space trampoline
at the couples skate.

"Personality: the best."

"Idea of a perfect date:
tricking a thousand bad guys

into eating poisoned tacos,
then watching them die."

Done. Submit.

Axe Girl? From Axe Planet?

Problem solved.

Grey Diamond, you're in
charge of the phones. Bye.

Whoo-hoo! All right!

First order of business,
we're going to talk

into this part and
listen into this part!

The perfect city. Down there!

- You must be Axe Girl.
- And you must be a genius.

Of course I am, I'm Axe Cop.
You are my new girlfriend

and will help me win
the couples skate.

So tell me, do you already
know how to rollerskate

or will I have to train you?

Train me? No one trains me.

My only job is to kill bad guys
and I'm already the best at it.

Um, and by the way, you
wanna be my boyfriend?

Barf.

First of all, I'm the
best at killing bad guys.

But the reason I'm here

is because I'm the best
at winning prizes.

And next week's couples
skate grand prize

is the ultimate
space trampoline.

Did you say, prizes? Okay.

I will allow you to be
my pretend boyfriend

so we can win the grand prize.

But after we win you are
automatically dumped,

and no holding hands.

Fine. I would never want
to hold your hand anyway,

- that's gross.
- Hexter!

Hmm, not bad for a triceratops.
Wexter is, of course, better.

Oh, Axe Cop, take a closer look.

Hexter here has
unlimited bullets.

Have you ever seen
anything so lethal?

Must be a new model.

In any case, time to practice our moves.
Lace up, Axe Girl!

♪ And I can't fight
this feeling anymore ♪

♪ I've forgotten what I
started fighting for ♪

♪ it's time to bring this
ship into the shore ♪

♪ and throw away
the oars forever ♪

First place, Axe
Cop and Axe Girl.

Congratulations. What a show.

Here is your big prize.

Yes! I win!

- Grey Diamond.
- Hey-yoo!

Bring the ultimate space
trampoline back to the station.

Ahem. Oh, actually, Axe Cop,

I have to head back
to Axe Planet now,

and I'll be taking
the trampoline.

Axe Girl, while I thank
you for you help,

let me explain how
this will work.

You may come by the station
and jump sixth turn,

after my turn, Grey
Diamond's turn,

Flute Cop's turn,
Sockarang's turn,

my turn again, then your turn.

Ah, right. This
trampoline is mine.

I'm the better skater,
I had the best moves,

so, I won the prize. Oh,
and you're dumped. Bye.

Wrong! I have the best moves!

It's my ultimate space
trampoline, I won!

I'll chop your...

Excuse me, police
officers with axes,

I can help you solve
this problem.

It's called an interplanetary
couples therapy retreat.

That's great!

I don't know one person
who doesn't love therapy.

Ugh. Fine, let's go.

Grey Diamond, hide the
ultimate space trampoline

- in the secret spot.
- Oh, for sure, bro.

No one's ever gonna
find it under your bed.

Three large containers
of sugar dip sticks,

just like we agreed on.

Phase two of our plan, complete.

Two perfect axes walking
right into our trap.

Welcome, Axe Cop and Axe Girl,
we all know relationships

- take work, - and part of
that work is compromise.

Ugh, this is taking too long.
You, announce that I

won the ultimate space
trampoline fair and square.

Well, what I think we're
trying to say is that

maybe you two can work
together on the solution here.

All right, fine.

I get it seven days a week,
and she can have it zero.

Umm, I think what
he meant to say

was that I get it all
days of the year.

No! That is not what I meant!

- Excuse me?
- Hey, hey, hey, you two.

Shouting and pouting stops
healing and feeling.

- Please, relax.
- Just look into...

Our eyes.

- Is it working?
- I think so.

- Tell them to do something.
- Stick your finger up your nose.

- It's not working.
- Cross your eyes,

and stick your tongue out.

Pat your head and
rub your stomach.

No one can hypnotize me!

I'm wearing hypno-proof
sunglasses!

So am I.

I'll chop your...

No! Wait! Spare our lives!

We can lead you to an even
bigger head to chop off.

- Bigger?
- You tell him, dear.

We're from the beautiful
Planet Tutukaka.

Our world is in trouble.

And since you two aren't
very good listeners,

we tried to hypnotize
you into helping.

We'd just like to show you
a short educational film.

It will not try to hypnotize you.
It's just for learning.

- Ugh, fine. I hate learning.
- Shut your trap, Axe Cop.

But yes, I agree that
learning is dumb.

_

Our once beautiful
planet of Tutukaka

has recently been infected
with horse measles

and has grown an evil,
gigantic moon head.

This mutation is
relentlessly consuming

all the inhabitants
on our planet.

There's only one hope.

The mutated moon head
needs to be destroyed

by two perfect axes
at the same time.

_

Now, that's why we brought
you two together.

You're perfect fighters,
and you have perfect axes.

Please, will you help us?

A planet with a bad guy head?

- I'll chop its...
- Ahem.

Ugh, fine. We'll
chop its head off.

But, let's make
this interesting.

If I chop off my side better,
I get to keep the trampoline.

Thank you for making
this so easy, Axe Girl.

- Girls are so dumb.
- Thank you, Axe Cop and Axe Girl,

but we must hurry.
Where's the trampoline?

This was smart to hide it under here.
At least nobody found it.

We must hurry.

Grey Diamond, you're
in charge of judging.

Let's do this. I just
hope I don't accidentally

chop your head off, Axe Cop.

Although I obviously wouldn't
because my precision is stellar.

- You wish, Axe Girl.
- Okay guys, let's go over the rules.

I want a nice, clean jump here,

and in the event of a tie,
the trampoline goes to me.

Let's get it on, and let's
have fun, and let's jump!

Grey Diamond, let's go!

- One, two, three...
- Jump!

Ha!

Oh, no, Axe Cop!

Axe Cop, hold still!

Ha!

I'll chop your head off!

- You are our heroes!
- You saved our home!

Be quiet! Grey Diamond, who won?

Oh, it was exactly a tie!
That's so weird.

Well, unfortunately, the
trampoline goes to me. All right!

Ugh, fine.

Ultimate space trampolines
are boring anyway.

I now prefer the trebuchet.
Ahem, Axe Girl,

thank you for saving me
from the Tutukaka tail,

even through I would have
been fine without your help.

- Gross, Axe Cop, come on.
- I am never gross.

But, you will always be gross to me.
And dumb.

Thank you.

Well, it's time for me
to return to Axe Planet.

Never bother me again
with your stupid ideas.

Unless, of course, they're
prize related and

I don't have to share them with you.
Hexter!

There she goes.
Girls are so dumb.

The jester!

Anchors aweigh!

Here comes the snaky tiger!

And the lunch lady!

Ah! Oh, no!